beachbabe Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 I have been married for 9 years and found out 1.5 years ago my H was having not 1 but 3 affairs!!I was devastated to say the least as I had moved here from Africa and left my family and good job to be with him.We have 2 small kids.I thought i could deal with it but couldnt and he eventually moved out.Its so hard being in a strange town with no family support but i decided to stay for the kids sake.I met a MM last year.It was a friendship at first and i tried so hard not to let it go any further but alas I fell in love with him and......we started sleeping together.For someone who has been down that hurt and betrayed road i gues i should have known better.But honestly when you meet someone you just click with you tend to loose sight of the big picture.Its now 10 months later and we are still together but I just cant be the other woman anymore.I feel convenient at the mo.Although he doesnt make me feel this way at all but i just do.i am in love with him an i he loves me to.He has been a rock for me through my seperation.He does not love his wife and says he is not sleeping with her and strangely i believe him.I know his wife well and she is aware that we ussed to be friends but thinks its over so ofcourse she does not like like me and does not trust him at all.He seems to have a miserable existance with her s why doesnt he just leave her??They have a child together and he is afraid she will stop him seeing his child.What woman would use her kids like that? I can honestly say i feel guilty and really awful to the point that we have discussed many times of ending it until he is ready to leave .But is there ever a right time to leave?I think I need to let him go to see if he is genuine. Please dont think that this is some cheap love affair.We have real deep feelings for each other.Maybe i am naive but i really and truelly do not think so.He has told me that if i go be will come and find me .Will he? I have been through so much hurt with my H that I am so afraid of going down that road again.There are nights that i feel like crying forever at the thought of breaking up a marriage but he says i have just made him realise how miserable and unhappy he is at home. So do i let him go and see what happens or do we carry on seeing each other ? Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Men who are involved in an affair and who have children with their wife often tell their OW that they cannot leave for the children's sake. If I were you, I'd take his excuse that she would not let him see his child with a grain of salt. Has she threatened to do such a thing if he does leave? As for her not trusting him, she has good reason not to trust him and good reason not to like you, obviously. As for you and him, he's married. Unless he makes a concrete decision to get out of his current situation, you should not be with him...period. I don't doubt that your feelings are genuine, but he's taken right now. Until he's not, I would recommend you NOT see him. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Pardon my bluntness, but you yourself were a woman who was devastated by the affairs your husband had, yet here you are, an active participant in an affair that will no doubt devastate his wife. I'm having a hard time understanding how you could be involved in a situation that you yourself went through, that caused you much hurt. Of course his wife doesn't like you, she's likely not stupid...and even if she's not aware that you've boinking her husband, womens intuition is a powerful thing..and she likely suspects it. And of course she doesn't trust him, with good reason. Duh. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Maybe i am naive yes. you are. let him go; see if he returns. but be prepared to move on, and be prepared to strengthen yourself on your own. we're here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beachbabe Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 Befuddled11 I understand what you are saying and believe me I feel as guilty as sh*t.Maybe when I first met him I felt like I needed to prove to myself that i could still have a man...a self esteem thing.You make me sound like some cheap thing and its just not like that.What happens when you fall in love with someone.everything else seems to pale into significance.Yes I did loose sight of things and not a day goes by that i feel terrible but i have fallen in love.I know i need to end it but easier said than done.Yes she has threatened to take his child away.I guess thats all she has to use against him.And im sure any woman would do the same thing.Well i would never use my kids but i didnt need to ....no affair is right i know that and once i have accepted that i need to end this i will do the right thing.the thought of being alone isnt a nice one is it.Who wants used goods?? But i do appreciate your reply. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 It's impossible to find true love in a married man. With a married man, you don't know the real him. You know the him that he presents to you on his schedule, the him that's looking for some sex, and the him who's willing to forge half of a sentiment to get it from you. It sounds so cruel, because it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beachbabe Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 dyermaker The sad thing is I know that.........but i guess when the other option is being alone you tend to take what you can get. If we bonked each others brains out every day then yes I would say its just a sex thing but its really not like that. Think my mind set is just all wrong! I know a man will say anything to get what he wants and that does worry me.I will never know if he is genuine until I let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 but i guess when the other option is being alone you tend to take what you can get. No. You learn to embrace your own company and to find other activities to fill your life other than falling 'in love' with other people's husbands. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 What are you really asking for? Are you looking for validation? Guarantees? you already have your mind made up. you know what you should do. as painful as it may be you have to fish or cut bait. let me ask you; if you are so certain that your love for and commitment to each other is genuine then why do you have any doubts at all that he will not leave his wife for you if you start withholding yourself from him? There are laws there to protect the fathers rights with his child. He doesn't have to make an either/or decision when it comes to his child - he will ALWAYS be the father. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beachbabe Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme but i guess when the other option is being alone you tend to take what you can get. No. You learn to embrace your own company and to find other activities to fill your life other than falling 'in love' with other people's husbands. well I have alot to learn from life then........maybe i need to love myself more!Now theres a thought.You make it sound like i really planned this.Very wrong!!But i will take your advise thanks Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 well I have alot to learn from life then........maybe i need to love myself more! Absolutely. Until you can live a fulfilled life without a partner I'd even say you're not fit to have a partner. You need to be a whole human, which means being able to flourish on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 It's impossible to find true love in a married man. True, Dyermaker. And also true that he hasn't really found himself if he's still searching. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 And also true that he hasn't really found himself if he's still searching. He won't find himself inside another woman's nether regions, either. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 He won't find himself inside another woman's nether regions, either. .......But he may wanna stay for a spell....... then like the climate so much he has a hard time leavin'. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 It's impossible to find true love in a married man. I only realized that after I got married. The MM I am involved with is...MY OWN! Link to post Share on other sites
Author beachbabe Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 I thinks its a defence mechanism to protect myself from being hurt again.My H would look me in the eye and lie to me without any feeling at all.I trusted him and he hurt me big time.So i am just finding it so difficult to know whats lies and whats genuine. I would love guarantees and validation.......wouldnt it be great if someone was to say its going to be ok......or that what im doing is ok!Its not ok i know that and Seriously I know it just doesnt work like that.There are just no guarantees in life! I have doubts because my trust was betrayed a few times.My H promised 3 or 4 times his affairs were over and I really believed him but all along he carried on seeing OW so obviously I will have doubts.My heart wants to believe him but my head says otherwise. MM has told his wife that he wants to leave and that he doesnt love her.That i know because when she confronted me the first time she told me herself but she also said she would not give up on him.So theres a small part of what he says that i believe.......its just so damn hard to know where to draw the line. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 He won't find himself inside another woman's nether regions, either. Well, certainly not figuratively Link to post Share on other sites
Author beachbabe Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 I would actually love to hear a MM point of view on affairs.Maybe someone who is currently having an affair.Are you guys really just all about wham bam thank you mam? Woman seems to get much more emotionally involved but a man has this great wall that makes him resistant to feeling any or far fewer emotions.Or is that a bit harsh?No offence to men...... Link to post Share on other sites
abc Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Every situation is different. We all come from various places in our emotional lives and our thoughts are coming from our own experiences. You know your situation better than anyone. Men can be just as emotional as women. I don't think it is a gender thing... more of a individual thing. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Beachbabe, you are going to re-experience the same feelings of betrayal you had over your ex when your MM breaks off the affair with you. By becoming involved with someone who is unavailable for a full fledged relationship, you're just waiting in limbo until one of you tires of the other. Is it worth it? Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Don't stay in any relationship if you are suffering from within. Just follow your conscience and put an end to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Every situation is different. We all come from various places in our emotional lives and our thoughts are coming from our own experiences. You know your situation better than anyone. - abc Yeah, we're all different, every situation is different, yada yada yada... You say you want some opinions from others involved in affairs? Well, read on, honey. There are a ton of them right here on LoveShack. Then you will see that although everyone is different with a completely different set of circumstances, their stories all sound remarkably the same!! What strikes me about this whole thing you're involved in is how you " tried so hard not to let it go any further"... How hard did you actually try? What did you actually do? Another very common theme among all those "different" affair stories is that they "just couldn't help themselves"... Link to post Share on other sites
Author beachbabe Posted March 4, 2004 Author Share Posted March 4, 2004 Benedict I did everything in my power to not be alone with him but it took ONE weaK moment!! I dont disagree at all.........and you can think what you like but my emotions got the better of me and i was weak.What do you wantme to say??I admit i was weak but hell it happened andi cannot just go back..i have to deal with it. You sound as though you have some issues on the subject???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author beachbabe Posted March 4, 2004 Author Share Posted March 4, 2004 abc... I dont doubt its a gender thing but men definately seem to have the upper hand there.Im not saying woman are the weaker sex but hell...........we definatley are more emotional!! Maybe becoz my H never showed much emotion, no jealousy or affection tahts the way i think but its good to know there are guys out there with feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 You are correct, Beachbabe; I have issues there. Does that make what I say more or less credible in your eyes? I felt that cheating was wrong before I was cheated on. Now that I have the scars to show for it, I still think it's wrong. Does that mean I think you are a bad person? Absolutely not. I am still married to - and intend to remain married to - my wife. We are working through it all, and no, I am not using it to make her feel guilty for eternity. It just surprises me so that you were able to "fall victim" to this guy's charms. Trust me, the stories all sound the same - yours included. The fact is that YOU had the power to NOT do this, and YOU decided to GO AHEAD AND DO IT. Those are the facts; that is the reality of it. Unimaginable to me is that you were able - with only ONE weak moment - to ensure that someone will feel the same pain as you did. I think that I am not the only one in this conversation with issues... Link to post Share on other sites
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