How can their marriage be happy once MM/MW are back from an Affair ?

[East7]

Once they have dumped the OM/OW,

I wonder how can these people be happy and go on living with the BS after an extra-marital affair ? Especially when they were emotionally and physically attached to the OM/OW ?

 

Some claim that marriage gets stronger but I'm very sceptical about this.

 

Some claim that they can make it work out and M counselors sell success stories about how it can be easy and doable to put the pieces together.

Aren't they haunted about their xOM/xOW ? How can BS trust them ever again ?

 

They also post on FBook pics to tell how happy they are back in their family which most of the time is just a big show because the truth behind is much less rosy.

 

I know it's not fair to wish them misery but those who run after 2 men or 2 women, probably lose them both.

[Owl]

Well, I can probably help answer this question. I'm the fBS, in a very happily recovered marriage where several years ago my wife was deeply involved in an EA with an OM...and when d-day hit and she was confronted was actually all set to leave and go live with her OM.

 

I'd tell you that there probably not very happy immediately after d-day. Odds are very high that both the BS and the WS are in a lot of pain at that point, for different reasons.

 

I'd suggest that stories where both partners claim to be screamingly happy within a few days/weeks after d-day are probably trying to sweep the whole thing under the rug rather than dealing with it.

 

It takes a long time for a marriage to recover from infidelity. And a lot of work on both sides to do it.

 

But it can be done. The first thing has to be to 'clear the air'...re-opening communication between the two spouses that was shut down during the affair, or even prior to it. They have to learn to talk to each other again, even when it hurts. Perhaps ESPECIALLY when it hurts.

 

Marriage counseling can go a long ways in rebuilding this...it certainly helped in our case.

 

My wife and I struggled hard for the first six weeks after d-day. Things started to get quite a bit better after that, and we did outstandingly well rebuilding our marriage after all of this. We went to MC for nearly a year after d-day to help us work through the issues that led up to the affair, were caused by the affair, and how to improve things overall to keep things from getting that bad again.

 

I'm not haunted by OM. He's in the past...no longer relevent to our marriage today. I trust my wife today because she learned as painful a lesson as I did...and I know she doesn't want to go through that again either.

 

As far as "rosy pics on facebook"...well they probably ARE being posted to 'ward off' the OW/OM...at least at first.

 

But that shouldn't matter to the OW/OM...because at that point they're no longer part of the situation...the affair is ended. I would absolutely see why that would hurt...but truthfully you're better off not checking them out on FB anyway.

[ladydesigner]

Well the truth in my case is that I was not happy for at least a year after my A had ended. It wasn't until I went NC with my XAP and started to really think about what I wanted in life (my M or D) that I really started to reinvest in my M. I was a BS before I became a WS. So I understand both sides. My XOM had a significant other and he might as well have been married to her. He ended our A and chose her. I probably would have caused my own D-Day had he not ended things with me. I grieved for a long period of time and it wasn't until recently (the last 5 months or so) that I have realized what a blessing it is to have my M back on track. I believe my H and I both were faced with the possibility of losing each other for good and when faced with that reality we realized we wanted it to work. So it wasn't until BOTH of us wanted the marriage to work that our marriage started to gain strength and love again. It has been a very trying, heartbreaking, confusing, frightening experience to have gone through. We are much better communicators now and much more understanding of each other. We have a different M now. One that has weathered a storm, but have come through it intact. I don't resent my H anymore for his A and I completely regret mine.

[whichwayisup]

If a CS is truly remorseful for cheating and betraying, and is willing to do everything possible to save the marriage, work on him/her self, and the BS is willing to be the bigger person for a while, together with the help of MC, it can work.

 

People deserve a second chance if they are willing to put in the effort and want to change.

[thomasb]

You certainly can recover from infidelity and go on to have a happier, stronger marriage bond. I did. It's rather like breaking a bone. It takes time to heal, but where the scar was it will never break there again because it has healed stronger than it was before the injury.

[anne1707]

You certainly can recover from infidelity and go on to have a happier, stronger marriage bond. I did. It's rather like breaking a bone. It takes time to heal, but where the scar was it will never break there again because it has healed stronger than it was before the injury.

 

 

There is much truth in this. Through all my H and I have been through, we have become more open with each other and both are more able and willing to talk about and deal with things before they become a problem. We make time for each other in a way we didn't before and I love it

[thomasb]

Communication is the key, isn't it!

[Star_Bright]

This hasn't happened to me but I don't understand it either. If I fell in love with someone else and cheated on my partner (which I can't imagine doing, but, hypothetically) then I really don't think I could ever go back with my partner. I feel that it would show I had no love or respect for them and that the relationship should be over. On the other hand I feel that if my partner cheated on me, we would be done, for the same reason... he would have showed me no love or respect and I would have no interest in giving him a second chance. I will make this clear once I'm in a committed relationship, not that this should need to be stated!, but, just so the person knows how I feel about it and that if they choose to cheat, I'm out, right then and there. And then I would feel I would have to back that up with actions or else I'd lose respect for myself too!

 

I know, different strokes for different folks. But I am a very all or nothing person and I don't see the point in continuing on in a relationship after the ultimate betrayal.

[Owl]

This hasn't happened to me but I don't understand it either. If I fell in love with someone else and cheated on my partner (which I can't imagine doing, but, hypothetically) then I really don't think I could ever go back with my partner. I feel that it would show I had no love or respect for them and that the relationship should be over. On the other hand I feel that if my partner cheated on me, we would be done, for the same reason... he would have showed me no love or respect and I would have no interest in giving him a second chance. I will make this clear once I'm in a committed relationship, not that this should need to be stated!, but, just so the person knows how I feel about it and that if they choose to cheat, I'm out, right then and there. And then I would feel I would have to back that up with actions or else I'd lose respect for myself too!

 

I know, different strokes for different folks. But I am a very all or nothing person and I don't see the point in continuing on in a relationship after the ultimate betrayal.

 

 

I would agree with a lot of what you said. I'd even tell you that the vast majority of BS's I've talked with on this site and others felt the exact same way that you feel...right up until the moment they were actually faced with this situation.

 

Including me.

 

And I'm not judging you or discounting your viewpoint when I say this...I'm simply saying that its one of those things that it's really hard to know what you'll do until you're there.

 

I certainly expected that I'd have left in a heartbeat if my wife cheated on me...and when it happened, I didn't.

 

Good thing tho...it worked out well in my case.

[bentnotbroken]

If a spouse is truly remorseful, confesses and repents...why can't they have a better relationship? It requires both spouses to look at themselves with a magnifying glass and be willing to face and change those things that are necessary. It requires cold hard truths that no one will like but will appreciate in the end. It requires work to forgive and to remember. Forgive the bad things and remember the good ones. It requires the use of words since telepathy hasn't been proven yet. It requires things doing things differently than things were done in the past. It is an everyday job. It is a conscious choice everyday. NO it can never be the same. But if they both desire, a new marriage can be built from the destruction.

[thomasb]

Count my wife in also Owl. And I'm certainly blessed she changed her mind, or we would be unable to experience what we have today. Life is good!

[Star_Bright]

I would agree with a lot of what you said. I'd even tell you that the vast majority of BS's I've talked with on this site and others felt the exact same way that you feel...right up until the moment they were actually faced with this situation.

 

Including me.

 

And I'm not judging you or discounting your viewpoint when I say this...I'm simply saying that its one of those things that it's really hard to know what you'll do until you're there.

 

I certainly expected that I'd have left in a heartbeat if my wife cheated on me...and when it happened, I didn't.

 

Good thing tho...it worked out well in my case.

 

I understand and I think your wife is lucky to have you!

 

I would be too afraid of getting hurt again. To do all that work and desire reconciliation only to find out my partner was still cheating or cheating again... I wouldn't want that risk. I would think that someone who is good enough at lying and cheating (depending on the extent of the affair and whether they confessed or I found out, and how I found out, etc.), would be good at acting sorry and saying all the right stuff only to turn around and bite me again!

 

But I do get that I don't know what I'd do unless I was in that situation. Heck, I never thought I'd be an OW and I know there are a lot of cheating spouses who said they never thought they'd cheat. So, who knows. I guess one really can't say unless it happens to them. Hopefully I will never have to test my theory but then again karma might come bite me.

[Silly_Girl]

I think it depends on the level of commitment. My guy 'returned' to his marriage. But in body only. It was meaningless.

[East7]

I think that when the M was going downhill prior to the affair it means that the affair was only a catalyst to a situation which was already unhappy. In this case the A is not merely a Red flag but a "death kiss".

 

There are ppl who have tempted a divorce and not done it for whatever reasons, kids, property, comfort, habit etc...Then an A comes for one of them and pushes the things further, but IMO the 2 spouses if they decide to divorce they usually do it for them and not for the OM/OW.

Thats why the one who has cheated is not ready to settle with the OM/OW after the divorce because they are filled with guilt.

Also IMO, it may be very dangerous for the OM/OW to settle with the gone spouse because he/she may keep the OM/OW for responsible of the failure of their previous M. In fact the OM/OW was just a catalyst, not the M wrecker.

[East7]

I was a BS before I became a WS. So I understand both sides. .

 

Well, in this case both spouses are guilty so much more easy to forgive each-other.

[Stung]

It's always a bad idea for anyone to think they know what's happening on the inside of someone else's marriage.

[Circular]

Well, I can probably help answer this question. I'm the fBS, in a very happily recovered marriage where several years ago my wife was deeply involved in an EA with an OM...and when d-day hit and she was confronted was actually all set to leave and go live with her OM.

 

I'd tell you that there probably not very happy immediately after d-day. Odds are very high that both the BS and the WS are in a lot of pain at that point, for different reasons.

 

I'd suggest that stories where both partners claim to be screamingly happy within a few days/weeks after d-day are probably trying to sweep the whole thing under the rug rather than dealing with it.

 

It takes a long time for a marriage to recover from infidelity. And a lot of work on both sides to do it.

 

But it can be done. The first thing has to be to 'clear the air'...re-opening communication between the two spouses that was shut down during the affair, or even prior to it. They have to learn to talk to each other again, even when it hurts. Perhaps ESPECIALLY when it hurts.

 

Marriage counseling can go a long ways in rebuilding this...it certainly helped in our case.

 

My wife and I struggled hard for the first six weeks after d-day. Things started to get quite a bit better after that, and we did outstandingly well rebuilding our marriage after all of this. We went to MC for nearly a year after d-day to help us work through the issues that led up to the affair, were caused by the affair, and how to improve things overall to keep things from getting that bad again.

 

I'm not haunted by OM. He's in the past...no longer relevent to our marriage today. I trust my wife today because she learned as painful a lesson as I did...and I know she doesn't want to go through that again either.

 

As far as "rosy pics on facebook"...well they probably ARE being posted to 'ward off' the OW/OM...at least at first.

 

But that shouldn't matter to the OW/OM...because at that point they're no longer part of the situation...the affair is ended. I would absolutely see why that would hurt...but truthfully you're better off not checking them out on FB anyway.

 

I agree with Owl (as I almost always do). As an MM who had an A and didn't have a d-day I can say that I created a mess for myself that is going to be much harder to fix then if I had just tried fixing everything up-front in my M.

 

I don't think for anyone (unless they're sociopathic) regardless of dday or not that they just 'walk away' and are then happy! happy! The loss to the AP is as if someone had just died - so you're talking 6-12 mo. or more to process it. If there was a dday the damage to the BS, family, etc... is extensive and all those people need to grieve a loss as well of what they 'thought was'.

 

The knee jerk reaction for most is to put a coat of fresh paint over it. Why? Fake it til you make it. Most people do not want to be seen as vulnerable, do not want the world to see their scars, the faster they can cover up the external appearance and put a buffer/insulation barrier in place the more emotional stability they bring to dealing with the situation (which is already extremely emotionally unstable). Things like pictures up on FB, and 'were so much more happy now' and I remember reading someone say 'I have a new appreciation and renewed love for my spouse' (this is from the mouth of a WS that was 2-3 weeks after dday) are various forms of 'denial' to diminish the amount of pain and the repercussions. Denial is the killer one, that's the one that in two years makes the WS reach out to the AP again and say "How are you doing?".... and the cycle starts all over again.

 

I'm still trying to reconcile myself... it's going to be a long road.

[fooled once]

Once they have dumped the OM/OW,

I wonder how can these people be happy and go on living with the BS after an extra-marital affair ? Especially when they were emotionally and physically attached to the OM/OW ?

 

Some claim that marriage gets stronger but I'm very sceptical about this.

 

Some claim that they can make it work out and M counselors sell success stories about how it can be easy and doable to put the pieces together.

Aren't they haunted about their xOM/xOW ? How can BS trust them ever again ?

 

They also post on FBook pics to tell how happy they are back in their family which most of the time is just a big show because the truth behind is much less rosy.

 

I know it's not fair to wish them misery but those who run after 2 men or 2 women, probably lose them both.

 

You are entitled to your belief, but as you can see, people who have actually LIVED it have shown you it doesn't HAVE to be the way you want to think it is.

 

Is your intent behind this post to help OW by fantasies of these miserable people? Go check out infidelity - you will see that many people's marriages DO recover and DO go on to become stronger.

 

I understand and I think your wife is lucky to have you!

 

I would be too afraid of getting hurt again. To do all that work and desire reconciliation only to find out my partner was still cheating or cheating again... I wouldn't want that risk. I would think that someone who is good enough at lying and cheating (depending on the extent of the affair and whether they confessed or I found out, and how I found out, etc.), would be good at acting sorry and saying all the right stuff only to turn around and bite me again!

 

But I do get that I don't know what I'd do unless I was in that situation. Heck, I never thought I'd be an OW and I know there are a lot of cheating spouses who said they never thought they'd cheat. So, who knows. I guess one really can't say unless it happens to them. Hopefully I will never have to test my theory but then again karma might come bite me.

 

SB, every relationships have ups and downs. IF you are afraid to get hurt, then it is best to live alone. Partners aren't perfect and WILL hurt you (in small ways or bigger ways) while a relationship is going on. Relationships (healthy ones at least) go through trials and tribulations. Show me a marriage of 20 years that hasn't had some ups and downs and I will tell you they are lying.

 

It is about trust, commitment and most of all COMMUNICATION!!! If a couple is committed, they can work out anything

[jthorne]

It's always a bad idea for anyone to think they know what's happening on the inside of someone else's marriage.

Amen. It's also no one else's business, especially the xAP's.

[Star_Bright]

SB, every relationships have ups and downs. IF you are afraid to get hurt, then it is best to live alone. Partners aren't perfect and WILL hurt you (in small ways or bigger ways) while a relationship is going on. Relationships (healthy ones at least) go through trials and tribulations. Show me a marriage of 20 years that hasn't had some ups and downs and I will tell you they are lying.

 

It is about trust, commitment and most of all COMMUNICATION!!! If a couple is committed, they can work out anything

 

I think that cheating is different than a regular old up and down in relationships. I know all relationships have risks but staying with someone who could cheat on me sure increases my risks and I would rather start over with someone new where that KNOWN risk isn't that.

 

I know what's coming next, ha ha, and I think it's weird that people tell OWs "If he can cheat on her, he can cheat on you" and "why be with someone you know can cheat?" and "the potential for him to do it to you is much bigger than a single guy you start out honest with", but when it comes to the BS, now you are saying "all relationships have risk" and "you can trust him and communicate etc. etc. etc." WTF. I would rather take my chances on someone who left his marriage for me because he loved me, not her (of course this isn't my sitch anymore but looking at it from the OW perspective) then take my chances staying with someone I know is capable of cheating on ME.

 

Yes, trust is very important and I could never trust someone who cheated on me before. Even if for some reason I felt compelled to stay with them, I would always be suspicious. That's part of why I left exMM... because I need total trust to have a relationship and I didn't have it from him. I know me, I could never trust someone who had cheated on me, for sure, so for me, the risk of getting hurt AGAIN would outweigh any "reward" I can see in trying to stay with the person who had hurt me like that. I don't think it means I need to live alone forever. I think it means that I would be respecting myself, doing what I know is best for me based on knowing what I need, and protecting my heart, just like when I stopped being an OW.

[wheelwright]

Once they have dumped the OM/OW,

I wonder how can these people be happy and go on living with the BS after an extra-marital affair ? Especially when they were emotionally and physically attached to the OM/OW ?

 

Some claim that marriage gets stronger but I'm very sceptical about this.

 

Some claim that they can make it work out and M counselors sell success stories about how it can be easy and doable to put the pieces together.

Aren't they haunted about their xOM/xOW ? How can BS trust them ever again ?

 

They also post on FBook pics to tell how happy they are back in their family which most of the time is just a big show because the truth behind is much less rosy.

 

I know it's not fair to wish them misery but those who run after 2 men or 2 women, probably lose them both.

 

I'm not happy. I am a WS who had an A with a MOM and was thrown under a bus.

 

Yes, I agree with you. Anything else?

[wheelwright]

It's always a bad idea for anyone to think they know what's happening on the inside of someone else's marriage.

 

Agree. With cherries on top.

[wheelwright]

Amen. It's also no one else's business, especially the xAP's.

 

Can you understand an AP who was interested?

 

Or should they throw all their love and care under a bus?

 

(Yes, I see the irony).

 

It's just natural for them to care, whether they be part of it or not.

[East7]

You are entitled to your belief, but as you can see, people who have actually LIVED it have shown you it doesn't HAVE to be the way you want to think it is.

 

Is your intent behind this post to help OW by fantasies of these miserable people? Go check out infidelity - you will see that many people's marriages DO recover and DO go on to become stronger.

 

My belief is that the both success and failure can happen. My beleif is that it is like a broken glass, you can still put some glue and stick the pieces together but it will never be like brand new. Yes I have read Infidelity board.

 

 

 

I think that cheating is different than a regular old up and down in relationships.

 

Couldn't agree more !

[bentnotbroken]

My belief is that the both success and failure can happen. My beleif is that it is like a broken glass, you can still put some glue and stick the pieces together but it will never be like brand new. Yes I have read Infidelity board.

 

 

 

 

 

Couldn't agree more !

 

 

A new marriage is just that, brand new. If that's what both partners agree they want and work hard to achieve, it is not only possible, it is probable as evidenced by those who have achieved it. You are wanting to see two people who walk back into the same mess that was there before the affair. If that is true and no changes are made by both partners, no then what you want to happen will probably happen...it will eventually end.