How can their marriage be happy once MM/MW are back from an Affair ?

[East7]

Amen. It's also no one else's business, especially the xAP's.

 

Well, starting to the moment that WS enters in the AP's life, tell him/her how much he/she loves AP, gets emotionally and sexually involved, YES, the actual M becomes the AP business as well. It depends what WS wants to tell and how he/she is honest. (I never asked my MW about her M, she used to tell me plenty of details by her will)

But I agree with you at the moment after A is over everyone goes back to his life and AP's life is not WS's business either.

 

We mutually broke up, I went NC and my MW keeps contacting me, telling that she still loves me and asking plenty of questions about my life. I would never contact her.

[alexandria35]

I believe that people can go on to have a happy marriage after infidelity if the both parties are committed and doing their best to make the marriage better. Obviously the marriage will be very rocky for a period of time once the infidelity is discovered.

 

What I don't understand is why OW/OM so desperately want to believe that the marriage will be nothing but misery and unhappiness until the end of time. That doesn't make any sense. I have an aunt and uncle that have been married for 50 years. He was unfaithful to her many many years ago and she told me thier marriage was hell for about 1 year (typical I think) after it was discovered and then they began to recover in the second year. They have been through a whole life time together, and have had many life changing events in their marriage, children,alcoholism, grandchildren, a fire that destroyed everything they owned, death of adult child, death of parents, home ownership, succesfull businesses, not so successful businesses, now great grandchildren, illness, old age, etc etc...My point is that life didn't begin and end with the affair, my uncle hasn't live a life of misery for the past 40 years because he chose to stay with my aunt.

 

His affair was almost 40 years ago and it lasted a year, followed by about 2 hard years of recovery. That's a total of 3 years out of 50.When you look at the big picture it puts the affair in perspective. Are OW ruined forever by an affair? I doubt it and I doubt the ws or bs are ruined either. When an affair ends everyone does what they have to do, everyone will recover and life will go on. Nobody is going to spend the rest of their life in misery because the affair ended or because the marriage ended. Honestly, I have had relationships end and as heartbroken as I was at the time, I got over it and my life became happy again. Also I very much doubt that any of my exes are still crying in their beer over losing me. Geez, get over yourselves.

[fooled once]

I think that cheating is different than a regular old up and down in relationships. I know all relationships have risks but staying with someone who could cheat on me sure increases my risks and I would rather start over with someone new where that KNOWN risk isn't that.

 

So cheating is worse than being beat by your spouse? What about if your spouse was a drunk? Or addicted to drugs? What about the spouse who abuses the child? Quite frankly, I would prefer a cheater over those other options. I would prefer my husband to have sex with someone else over having the crap beat out of me.

 

I know what's coming next, ha ha, and I think it's weird that people tell OWs "If he can cheat on her, he can cheat on you" and "why be with someone you know can cheat?" and "the potential for him to do it to you is much bigger than a single guy you start out honest with", but when it comes to the BS, now you are saying "all relationships have risk" and "you can trust him and communicate etc. etc. etc." WTF. I would rather take my chances on someone who left his marriage for me because he loved me, not her (of course this isn't my sitch anymore but looking at it from the OW perspective) then take my chances staying with someone I know is capable of cheating on ME.

 

I would rather take the single guy than the guy who claims he loves me why staying with his wife. I would rather have a guy who only wants me Personally, I wouldn't want someone who left his marriage FOR ME. I would prefer that the person left the marriage for themselves, because they were unhappy, than for ME to be the reason.

 

Yes, trust is very important and I could never trust someone who cheated on me before. Even if for some reason I felt compelled to stay with them, I would always be suspicious. That's part of why I left exMM... because I need total trust to have a relationship and I didn't have it from him. I know me, I could never trust someone who had cheated on me, for sure, so for me, the risk of getting hurt AGAIN would outweigh any "reward" I can see in trying to stay with the person who had hurt me like that. I don't think it means I need to live alone forever. I think it means that I would be respecting myself, doing what I know is best for me based on knowing what I need, and protecting my heart, just like when I stopped being an OW.

 

?? But don't OW say how they feel like they ARE being cheated on by the MM going home each night to his wife and having a relationship with her (I know I know, he only sleeps with her, never has sex ). He is having a life with the wife, while the OW is the secret.

 

I didn't mean to imply you should be alone; my point was ANY relationship will have ups and downs; and I guess the ups and downs are different for every person. Like I said, I would prefer to have a husband who slept with some other chick than for him to beat me while high on drugs or drunk. If you think relationships don't take work, don't have hard times and don't have issues, then you will be sorely disappointed down the road. Each person has their own "I would never forgive" things. Personally, if my H had an affair, we could probably work through it. I don't know for sure. The only thing I do know for sure is I will never cheat on him

[datura_noir]

I believe that people can go on to have a happy marriage after infidelity if the both parties are committed and doing their best to make the marriage better. Obviously the marriage will be very rocky for a period of time once the infidelity is discovered.

 

What I don't understand is why OW/OM so desperately want to believe that the marriage will be nothing but misery and unhappiness until the end of time. That doesn't make any sense. I have an aunt and uncle that have been married for 50 years. He was unfaithful to her many many years ago and she told me thier marriage was hell for about 1 year (typical I think) after it was discovered and then they began to recover in the second year. They have been through a whole life time together, and have had many life changing events in their marriage, children,alcoholism, grandchildren, a fire that destroyed everything they owned, death of adult child, death of parents, home ownership, succesfull businesses, not so successful businesses, now great grandchildren, illness, old age, etc etc...My point is that life didn't begin and end with the affair, my uncle hasn't live a life of misery for the past 40 years because he chose to stay with my aunt.

 

His affair was almost 40 years ago and it lasted a year, followed by about 2 hard years of recovery. That's a total of 3 years out of 50.When you look at the big picture it puts the affair in perspective. Are OW ruined forever by an affair? I doubt it and I doubt the ws or bs are ruined either. When an affair ends everyone does what they have to do, everyone will recover and life will go on. Nobody is going to spend the rest of their life in misery because the affair ended or because the marriage ended. Honestly, I have had relationships end and as heartbroken as I was at the time, I got over it and my life became happy again. Also I very much doubt that any of my exes are still crying in their beer over losing me. Geez, get over yourselves.

 

I just think that this is such a good healthy perspective on this whole thread.

[BB07]

Amen. It's also no one else's business, especially the xAP's.

 

It very well may not be AP's business but I can certainly understand the curiosity of the status, even if the affair is truly over for the AP also, still most people are curious. It's a normal human condition to be curious.

[East7]

I understand here the point of view of the married ppl or those who had been BS : I-don't-care-for-the-OW/OM-it serves-them-right.

 

What about the OW/OM emotional damage ? Especially when they had been seduced and got involved by the married person who swear true love and then got dumped like a used rag. At the end you realize that you have been emotionally used to fill the loveless life of the married person.

 

A love affair is like any other relationship in terms of feelings. The OM/OW loves the actual person regardless his marital status, he/she goes through heartache and needs time to recover. OM/OW put their life on hold for someone who pretended to love them. Why EMPATHY has only to be for the married ppl? An A is always wrong but it wouldnt exist if the married person didn't allow it to happen.

So to return to the topic, the OW/OM can be curious about the M because they wonder how people can be so heartless to go back to someone who they cheated and start the M all over like nothing ever happened. Well I guess I'm very embittered and disappointed by a MW who still wants to keeps the hooks on me and doesn't let me go and live my life, but at least I would say Life lived, Lesson learned.

[bentnotbroken]

I understand here the point of view of the married ppl or those who had been BS : I-don't-care-for-the-OW/OM-it serves-them-right.

 

What about the OW/OM emotional damage ? Especially when they had been seduced and got involved by the married person who swear true love and then got dumped like a used rag. At the end you realize that you have been emotionally used to fill the loveless life of the married person .

 

A love affair is like any other relationship in terms of feelings. The OM/OW loves the actual person regardless his marital status, he/she goes through heartache and needs time to recover. OM/OW put their life on hold for someone who pretended to love them. Why EMPATHY has only to be for the married ppl? An A is always wrong but it wouldnt exist if the married person didn't allow it to happen.

So to return to the topic, the OW/OM can be curious about the M because they wonder how people can be so heartless to go back to someone who they cheated and start the M all over like nothing ever happened. Well I guess I'm very embittered and disappointed by a MW who still wants to keeps the hooks on me and doesn't let me go and live my life, but at least I would say Life lived, Lesson learned.

 

 

The bolded really astonished me. I will try to be as respectful as I can so please don't take this as a dig at you. You want the BS to feel empathy and compassion for you and your pain right? Let me ask you a question. Did you feel those things for the BS while in the affair? You are asking for the very things you didn't give to another human.

 

In a perfect world, we all should feel those things for each other, but we are human and in the flesh. You chose not to display those traits for another human and now you don't understand why there may not be care about the emotional damage you have suffered.

 

Most see the damage you have suffered as self inflicted. There were choices that will have an ending. With endings come emotional baggage. While I don't like to see anyone hurting:( it is something that comes with life and our choices about how we live that life.

 

Seduction isn't an excuse for facing what we have put into place. Seduction should not mean that you can't think for yourself and reason that something about the person you are with is married and lying to the person they are married to. Could it be at all possible that they may be lying to you also. Let's be fair. Did he command you to believe him or did you do that all on your own? Did he command you to rationalize your actions or did you make those excuses for yourself because you wanted to be with him? Did he command you ignore any inconsistencies or did you look the other way? These are just a few things that may need to be answered if you are to find any solace as you heal.

[woinlove]

East7, your tagline says Love that we cannot have is the strongest, last the longest and hurts the deepest. but you write A love affair is like any other relationship in terms of feelings. The OM/OW loves the actual person regardless his marital status, ...

 

For people for which your tagline is true (and it certainly is not true for everyone, but for some), the feelings in an A are unlikely to be just "like any other relationship", and "regardless" might be replaced with "in part because of".

 

This seems off-topic from your initial post on the state of a M after an A, but you now bring up the topic of the OW suffering and make the above claim. The pain will eventually subside, while the lessons learned in the aftermath of the A will persist. Some OW have been quite open about their attraction to MM, whether it is for the fun without commitment (my own experience) or whether they think MM are the best group for potential husband material in their age range. Putting aside the OW who didn't know their MM was married, it seems that it is the OW who think they just happened to fall for a man who just happened to be married who suffer the most.

Edited October 22, 2010 by woinlove

[Owl]

I understand here the point of view of the married ppl or those who had been BS : I-don't-care-for-the-OW/OM-it serves-them-right.

 

What about the OW/OM emotional damage ? Especially when they had been seduced and got involved by the married person who swear true love and then got dumped like a used rag. At the end you realize that you have been emotionally used to fill the loveless life of the married person.

 

 

Not every BS feels that way. Even in the midst of my own situation, I knew full well that OM ended up hurting every bit as badly as I did. I can't say that I pitied him for it...but I absolutely realized that he had to be hurting pretty badly after all of this too. I never said it serves him right, nor do I say that here.

 

I have no doubt that OW/OM who end up without that relationship are very emotionally damaged...we've seen it here time and again on LS.

 

My question is...how is that relevent to this thread's topic, which is about recovery of the marriage after an affair?

 

A love affair is like any other relationship in terms of feelings. The OM/OW loves the actual person regardless his marital status, he/she goes through heartache and needs time to recover. OM/OW put their life on hold for someone who pretended to love them. Why EMPATHY has only to be for the married ppl? An A is always wrong but it wouldnt exist if the married person didn't allow it to happen.

So to return to the topic, the OW/OM can be curious about the M because they wonder how people can be so heartless to go back to someone who they cheated and start the M all over like nothing ever happened. Well I guess I'm very embittered and disappointed by a MW who still wants to keeps the hooks on me and doesn't let me go and live my life, but at least I would say Life lived, Lesson learned.

 

I see no reason why the OW/OM can't be curious about the marriage...but they do so at their own risk. Because remaining engaged like that after the affair has ended is going to prolong that pain you mentioned above...same as if a BS "kept tabs" on their ex and the OW/OM after divorce as a result of an affair. It's just not going to help anyone.

 

It's always better to stop, and focus on your own HEALING rather than focus on their relationship.

 

Rather than be bitter...heal, and learn.

 

As far as whether or not a marriage can heal after an affair...well, it can be done. Just as sometimes a great long term, committed relationship can also form between affair partners (which is the flip side that many BS's struggle to believe as well).

 

One is no harder to believe in than the other. But like I said...it's always best to focus on helping yourself heal rather than to focus on what you can't control.

[East7]

Thanks Owl, great post !

Btw honestly I do have felt guilty many times but as long as I had genuine feelings, I was trying to convince myself that I was not using anyone.

 

This topic is because I'm an OM and the MW is putting me through a roller-coaster of hopes and disappointments.

2 weeks ago she told me she wanted to marry me (Big unexpected statement) and be with me. 3 days afterwards, she was like "we can't be together there are 100 reasons why we can't " I said OK, told her to come back if a day she is single again (mean D) and went totally NC.

She broke NC,

Now she is telling me her marriage is being a turmoil, that she "lost" her husband. I was like "What do you mean ?" She gave me no details, so she is the one who keeps me linked-in. She is just driving me insane, I wouldn't want to know what is going on in her M if she was more consistent and fix her mess without coming back and forth.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks Owl, great post !

Btw honestly I do have felt guilty many times but as long as I had genuine feelings, I was trying to convince myself that I was not using anyone.

 

This topic is because I'm an OM and the MW is putting me through a roller-coaster of hopes and disappointments.

2 weeks ago she told me she wanted to marry me (Big unexpected statement) and be with me. 3 days afterwards, she was like "we can't be together there are 100 reasons why we can't " I said OK, told her to come back if a day she is single again (mean D) and went totally NC.

She broke NC,

Now she is telling me her marriage is being a turmoil, that she "lost" her husband. I was like "What do you mean ?" She gave me no details, so she is the one who keeps me linked-in. She is just driving me insane, I wouldn't want to know what is going on in her M if she was more consistent and fix her mess without coming back and forth.

 

 

She can't drive you anywhere unless you get in the car you allowed her to drive. Own your own responsibility for the seat you occupy.

[East7]

She can't drive you anywhere unless you get in the car you allowed her to drive. Own your own responsibility for the seat you occupy.

 

Oh thanks ! Very helpful.

I would have loved to jump out of that car if I had less feelings. I wish I could !

[bentnotbroken]

Oh thanks ! Very helpful.

I would have loved to jump out of that car if I had less feelings. I wish I could !

 

 

The only help you require can only be supplied by you, not by a group of people you want to hold your hand. You will stay in this situation as long as you want to. You can't change what you don't acknowledge and until you acknowledge you are the one in control....buckle up it's going to be a bumpy ride.

[SoMovinOn]

I don't know how one can have a happy marriage after such an extreme betrayal of trust. You can forgive. Maybe you can forget most of it, but there will always be some part of your brain, wondering if they are lying to you or deceiving you. Maybe you'd rarely think about it, but then, they would do something that seemed a little "wrong" to you - it makes you start wondering, especially if you ignored your suspicions during their affair. You wonder if you can trust your own judgement.

 

Aside from that, for me, there is the idea of "Winning by default". At one time, she chose me over all others. Then, she chose others over me. During our "reconciliation", she was actually pining for OM. When I finally cut her loose, she immediately went to him, and was rejected. She looked for someone else, and nothing worked out. THEN, she decided she was best off staying with me.

 

No thanks. That's not what marriage is to me.

 

Could we make it work, stay married? Sure we could. She's been in therapy and doing other things to get her head screwed on straight. We've always got along well, with a few exceptions from D-Day through our 15 months of BS reconciliation. She went a bit crazy a few times, but... we got through it. We have a great time when we go out together. Sex is, and always has been awesome. So... if we stayed married, life could still be pretty good, but to me, commitment and trust are key foundations in marriage. Maybe we could be happy, but we couldn't ever completely have the commitment and trust we once shared. Without that, we don't have a marriage.

 

Knowing what I know now - I should have thrown her out on D-Day. We don't have kids, so a split isn't all that complicated.

 

If would recommend anyone without kids, kick their cheating spouse out immediately on D-Day and don't look back. If you have kids, you have to consider your commitment to them. Divorce is never good for kids.

[pureinheart]

Once they have dumped the OM/OW,

I wonder how can these people be happy and go on living with the BS after an extra-marital affair ? Especially when they were emotionally and physically attached to the OM/OW ?

 

Some claim that marriage gets stronger but I'm very sceptical about this.

 

Some claim that they can make it work out and M counselors sell success stories about how it can be easy and doable to put the pieces together.

Aren't they haunted about their xOM/xOW ? How can BS trust them ever again ?

 

They also post on FBook pics to tell how happy they are back in their family which most of the time is just a big show because the truth behind is much less rosy.

 

I know it's not fair to wish them misery but those who run after 2 men or 2 women, probably lose them both.

 

Hi E-7,

 

It is only on these boards that I have seen successful reconciliations, and I sense the sincerity because I have read the posters and how they word various replies and they are not arrogant, hateful, or otherwise. There are only a couple that I question if true forgiveness and reconciliation has taken place.

 

Now the people I hang with or hear about....nope...some of them are hanging on saying how wonderful everything is...actually giving blow by blows on different web sites..it's really very sad.

[pureinheart]

Thanks Owl, great post !

Btw honestly I do have felt guilty many times but as long as I had genuine feelings, I was trying to convince myself that I was not using anyone.

 

This topic is because I'm an OM and the MW is putting me through a roller-coaster of hopes and disappointments.

2 weeks ago she told me she wanted to marry me (Big unexpected statement) and be with me. 3 days afterwards, she was like "we can't be together there are 100 reasons why we can't " I said OK, told her to come back if a day she is single again (mean D) and went totally NC.

She broke NC,

Now she is telling me her marriage is being a turmoil, that she "lost" her husband. I was like "What do you mean ?" She gave me no details, so she is the one who keeps me linked-in. She is just driving me insane, I wouldn't want to know what is going on in her M if she was more consistent and fix her mess without coming back and forth.

 

 

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

 

Take back your power, people only have the power we give them....please let her work out her stuff...oh how I know how tempting it is when she needs help and professes undying love...but, she may not be in any shape to make any decisions right now...you have to protect you:)...please do that ...k...

[pureinheart]

I understand here the point of view of the married ppl or those who had been BS : I-don't-care-for-the-OW/OM-it serves-them-right.

 

What about the OW/OM emotional damage ? Especially when they had been seduced and got involved by the married person who swear true love and then got dumped like a used rag. At the end you realize that you have been emotionally used to fill the loveless life of the married person.

 

A love affair is like any other relationship in terms of feelings. The OM/OW loves the actual person regardless his marital status, he/she goes through heartache and needs time to recover. OM/OW put their life on hold for someone who pretended to love them. Why EMPATHY has only to be for the married ppl? An A is always wrong but it wouldnt exist if the married person didn't allow it to happen.

So to return to the topic, the OW/OM can be curious about the M because they wonder how people can be so heartless to go back to someone who they cheated and start the M all over like nothing ever happened. Well I guess I'm very embittered and disappointed by a MW who still wants to keeps the hooks on me and doesn't let me go and live my life, but at least I would say Life lived, Lesson learned.

 

 

I know exactly what you are saying here...

 

BTW, you are not a rag, and MW didnot turn you into one...if her heart was wrong, that's on her...your feelings being real doesn't make you anything accept a person with real feelings that possible made a mistake...that it:)

[September]

For me personally, I think it gets down to a couple of factors.

 

*Length of the A

 

*Strictly EA or Full blown EA/PA

 

 

My A started out as an EA and was like that for 9 months until it was taken to the next level. Once the physical part of it kicked in, the emotions went through the roof, much more than when it was strictly an EA. We had an incredibly personal and intimate relationship BOTH emotionally and physically.

 

To this day I am not sure how married people can work through it. Knowing your partner had been so emotionally and physically involved and attached to someone else for a long period of time would be an incredibly difficult issue to work through.

 

Had it been strictly EA and not for a long period of time, I personally would find this much easier to deal with.

[East7]

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

 

Take back your power, people only have the power we give them....please let her work out her stuff...oh how I know how tempting it is when she needs help and professes undying love...but, she may not be in any shape to make any decisions right now...you have to protect you:)...please do that ...k...

 

 

Wise words PureInHeart !

I have never been nosy about her marriage, she likes to see me as a lover AND FRIEND and she used to tell me absolutely everything.I knew almost everything about her life and sometimes she used to forget that I was a lover, she used to talk to me like I was her marriage counselor (I am tired trying to make things work etc. I will tell him the truth so he will have the choice to stay or to go. I was Ok with that and told her that it is about them, not me..She never had the guts to tell him. So no D-day. Her H discovered a couple of texts and he asked. She pretended we were just friends.

Now we went officially NC but she still wants me to listen to her M problems...I am like WTF...I'm not going to help you fix your M !

 

 

I think it makes a big difference if there is a D-day or not. But even without D-day the BS is not stupid when his wife is weird and distant. Being full of doubts is worse and doesn't help to fix anything.

[kis]

I think that cheating is different than a regular old up and down in relationships. I know all relationships have risks but staying with someone who could cheat on me sure increases my risks and I would rather start over with someone new where that KNOWN risk isn't that.

 

I know what's coming next, ha ha, and I think it's weird that people tell OWs "If he can cheat on her, he can cheat on you" and "why be with someone you know can cheat?" and "the potential for him to do it to you is much bigger than a single guy you start out honest with", but when it comes to the BS, now you are saying "all relationships have risk" and "you can trust him and communicate etc. etc. etc." WTF. I would rather take my chances on someone who left his marriage for me because he loved me, not her (of course this isn't my sitch anymore but looking at it from the OW perspective) then take my chances staying with someone I know is capable of cheating on ME.

 

 

Star Bright,I cant understand your above statement. He cheats on you everyday with his wife. at the very least you could say he has never been faithful.

Edited October 25, 2010 by kis
Hard to understand

[Owl]

Wise words PureInHeart !

I have never been nosy about her marriage, she likes to see me as a lover AND FRIEND and she used to tell me absolutely everything.I knew almost everything about her life and sometimes she used to forget that I was a lover, she used to talk to me like I was her marriage counselor (I am tired trying to make things work etc. I will tell him the truth so he will have the choice to stay or to go. I was Ok with that and told her that it is about them, not me..She never had the guts to tell him. So no D-day. Her H discovered a couple of texts and he asked. She pretended we were just friends.

Now we went officially NC but she still wants me to listen to her M problems...I am like WTF...I'm not going to help you fix your M !

 

 

I think it makes a big difference if there is a D-day or not. But even without D-day the BS is not stupid when his wife is weird and distant. Being full of doubts is worse and doesn't help to fix anything.

 

You're right about how he may well see that his wife is being "wierd and distant". And he might be full of doubt...but the other side of that is that he probably wants to trust his wife. He wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. He doesn't truly want to believe that SHE would cheat on him...she was the woman he trusted with his heart.

 

I seriously knew that there was something to be concerned about in my wife's interactions with OM...actually even before the two of them admitted it to themselves and each other. And when I asked, I got the "just friends" line myself.

 

But it took me two months to finally reach a point where I KNEW that if nothing was done our marriage was doomed...and I finally started snooping and got the truth.

 

Here's the thing. You two can't go back to "just friends".

 

And she's made it clear that she's not going to leave her H, nor is she going to tell him the truth.

 

You need to take back the power here. YOU need to tell her that you're willing to be with her...but not at the expense of being her dirty little secret. You can make it clear that you intend to be in her life in one capacity only...and that's NOT as her marriage counselor.

 

Tell her what you feel, and set boundaries about what you're willing to accept.

 

That's a requirement in any relationship.

[Mimolicious]

Once they have dumped the OM/OW,

I wonder how can these people be happy and go on living with the BS after an extra-marital affair ? Especially when they were emotionally and physically attached to the OM/OW ?

 

Some claim that marriage gets stronger but I'm very sceptical about this.

 

Some claim that they can make it work out and M counselors sell success stories about how it can be easy and doable to put the pieces together.

Aren't they haunted about their xOM/xOW ? How can BS trust them ever again ?

 

They also post on FBook pics to tell how happy they are back in their family which most of the time is just a big show because the truth behind is much less rosy.

 

I know it's not fair to wish them misery but those who run after 2 men or 2 women, probably lose them both.

 

 

But the same goes to a MM/MW that flip-flops between their S and AP.

A MM/MW flat leaves their AP, goes home and a few months later goes looking for the AP. The AP thinks all is peachy as well and perhaps even goes posting comments of how they are back to life because the "oxygen tank" is back on and blah blah blah... yet it may all be a show as well.

 

Why is one relationship less real and less validated than the other? This is a constant tug of war in this forum and also in RL. If people are so serious about a decision and 100 % sure then they are where they want to be. Anybody that goes doing any different is a halfassed person and takes whoever allows them for a ride. If that person was M and in that relationship way before you existed in their life, what makes you think that all of that will disminish and be meaningless because they started to mess around with you? (Not you but "you" in general)

[East7]

You need to take back the power here. YOU need to tell her that you're willing to be with her...but not at the expense of being her dirty little secret. You can make it clear that you intend to be in her life in one capacity only...and that's NOT as her marriage counselor.

 

Tell her what you feel, and set boundaries about what you're willing to accept.

That's a requirement in any relationship.

 

Again, I admire your insight Owl, you could have been a good relationship counselor

 

What you are suggesting is exactly what I'm doing. She wants to keep contact on "friend's excuse" but I am not part of that game anymore. I told her NC is what's best I can do for her and for me. She knows what I want; there is no middle ways, we have already done it and we ended in pain, she has to pick and stick with it ! Meanwhile I'm moving on without being part of a cheating game and have my conscience clear.

[desertIslandCactus]

Although there is emotional attachment with OM/OW and probably because of intimacy - I would say the marriage was where the Substance was.