Dear OM/OW

[porter218]

Some people want and need to believe that the OW/OM is a villain - it makes it so much easier to explain how a married person could fall in love with someone else, how a woman or man could fall in love with a married person. They must be the devil, they must be narsacistic and functioning on pure ego. It seems to be the only explanation.

 

That is just part of the pain talking...it is part of the healing process. After a while when mostly healed a BS can see that in some cases the OW/OM can be the MM/MWs victim too. At some point you have to forgive and let go. OP will get there especially if she believes in God because it is a sin to hold a grudge and not forgive...that goes for all parties included. I forgave the OWs in my sitch. I know my xH filled there heads with all type of stuff to make them think it was OK what he was doing. They didn't even have to tell me that for me to know because I know him(but many did tell me). Some thought we were separated and living under the same roof so we could parent together and he couldn't really afford to move out and we lived in separate parts of the house...lies. In a way that was damaging to that OWs life. She left her BF for him but he refused to leave me in the end. He threw her under the bus. Another one was told how I was a horrible W and I expected him to fully support me(hahaha...I was the breadwinner) and cater to my spoiled needs:rolleyes:. I know they weren't bad people, they just didn't ask enough questions or really investigate what they were getting into. When you get past the pain you see things for what they are you'll learn that this usually isn't about the BS or meant to hurt the BS. I thank the OWs who freed me from a cheating H. I am happy with my life now and they helped me get here. The last OW who my xH moved in with after I kicked him out was a broken person. She really needed him. This made her easy prey for a MM. What amazes me is even my son speculated this one day. He told me that we were getting a D because when you're married you can't have a gf. But that his gf needed him more then us because she probably only had his dad whereas we had lots of close family. This was a 4yr talking.(and I told him nothing of his dads As). She didn't set out to hurt me..she wasn't thinking of me at all. She was thinking about her pain and the much needed support and help my xH was giving her. He lied to her too of course, but even that was better then what any man had given her before.

[Holding-On]

Ah, this forum was actually living up to its premise of support this last month... I guess all things end.

And back we go in the preaching cycle....

 

Dear OP,

1. Can you comprehend that not everyone believes in a "god" ?

2. Do you post on Ashley Madison and player websites looking for info into the morals of the cheating spouse or is your curiosity only limited to the other party?

3. Did you actually read the sticky at the top of this forum?

4. Answer honestly please: are you or were you ever a betrayed spouse?

[pureinheart]

I came to this forum because I wanted to know what goes on in the OW mind. I am really curious to know how you justify having a relationship with another person's spouse. What do you hope to get out of the relationship? Do you have any idea how much pain and damage your relationship has the potential to do to the spouse their child/ren if they have any? I understand that the MM/MW is the one that made the vows, but marriage is a covenant between Husband, Wife, and God. This means that you are going against God. Do you not realize that you are going to reap what you have sewn? I just want to know what you truly feel about your relationship with the MM/MW. I am not trying to attack at all and if I come off as if I am I apologize. I am just trying to get some insight.

 

I hate to say this, although this post sounds exactly like a "reincarnated" BS or ROW...

[pureinheart]

Ah, this forum was actually living up to its premise of support this last month... I guess all things end.

And back we go in the preaching cycle....

 

Dear OP,

1. Can you comprehend that not everyone believes in a "god" ?

2. Do you post on Ashley Madison and player websites looking for info into the morals of the cheating spouse or is your curiosity only limited to the other party?

3. Did you actually read the sticky at the top of this forum?

4. Answer honestly please: are you or were you ever a betrayed spouse?

 

FTR concerning OP...what is not of God in first place He doesnot recognise...

 

Holding On, I think this is a reincarnate trying to stir up mess...lets see now...who loves to stir the pot:rolleyes:

[BB07]

The OP is a BS and just recently found out she was betrayed as evidenced by her posts in infidelity.

 

I would assume that she is trying to figure out the whys and hows of how her husband had come to have an affair. Perhaps at this stage she is more angry at the OW in her situation and she is just trying to get POV's and understanding for how it happens and while asking her questions she stated her point of view on the matter.

 

I don't get why others are getting bent out of shape about it. You gotta admit it takes some courage to ask the questions when her pain is so fresh. Let's be nice to the lady.

[bentnotbroken]

The OP is a BS and just recently found out she was betrayed as evidenced by her posts in infidelity.

 

I would assume that she is trying to figure out the whys and hows of how her husband had come to have an affair. Perhaps at this stage she is more angry at the OW in her situation and she is just trying to get POV's and understanding for how it happens and while asking her questions she stated her point of view on the matter.

 

I don't get why others are getting bent out of shape about it. You gotta admit it takes some courage to ask the questions when her pain is so fresh. Let's be nice to the lady.

 

 

I know right?

[Angel1111]

The OP is a BS and just recently found out she was betrayed as evidenced by her posts in infidelity.

 

I would assume that she is trying to figure out the whys and hows of how her husband had come to have an affair. Perhaps at this stage she is more angry at the OW in her situation and she is just trying to get POV's and understanding for how it happens and while asking her questions she stated her point of view on the matter.

 

I don't get why others are getting bent out of shape about it. You gotta admit it takes some courage to ask the questions when her pain is so fresh. Let's be nice to the lady.

 

I agree. I think it's obvious she's a BS - why else would she be asking? But she's not being disrespectful or anything so I don't get what the big deal is.

[BB07]

I agree. I think it's obvious she's a BS - why else would she be asking? But she's not being disrespectful or anything so I don't get what the big deal is.

 

Me either.....I see no big deal at all.

[GreenEyedLady]

I agree. I think it's obvious she's a BS - why else would she be asking? But she's not being disrespectful or anything so I don't get what the big deal is.

 

I GET IT!

 

It's one thing to be in an active A and quite another to be "over" it.

 

I think the questions are presumptuous. This is not a Q/A forum that OW are obligated to answer anyone's questions as if they are subjects to be studied.

 

It would be just as rude to go into the infidelity forum and start asking what the BS did to their spouse to get them to cheat.

 

It was not worded respectfully at all.

 

GEL

[Angel1111]

I GET IT!

 

It's one thing to be in an active A and quite another to be "over" it.

 

I think the questions are presumptuous. This is not a Q/A forum that OW are obligated to answer anyone's questions as if they are subjects to be studied.

 

It would be just as rude to go into the infidelity forum and start asking what the BS did to their spouse to get them to cheat.

 

It was not worded respectfully at all.

 

GEL

 

Well, maybe, but you really don't have to answer. Just ignore.

[BB07]

No one HAS to answer her questions, it's purely voluntary.

[porter218]

I GET IT!

 

It's one thing to be in an active A and quite another to be "over" it.

 

I think the questions are presumptuous. This is not a Q/A forum that OW are obligated to answer anyone's questions as if they are subjects to be studied.

 

It would be just as rude to go into the infidelity forum and start asking what the BS did to their spouse to get them to cheat.

 

It was not worded respectfully at all.

 

GEL

Sure.. I do see that some of what she said had a little venom behind it. However she is grieving and desperately trying to understand. There is nothing wrong though with her wanting to understand how these things work. The really difficult thing about being a BS is how in the dark about it you are. She wants to shed some light on it to help her get to a more emotionally healthy place. Maybe she could have tried to word it better but either way she is just trying to understand, and anyone who is offended doesn't have to respond to her thread.

[ilovelife75]

To the OP:

Because our WH's are selfish, manipulative liars who say all the right things to get OW to believe the life that they are living is pure hell, and OW are naive enough to believe these lies (just like we BS's are naive enough to believe that we are the most loved one, or that our husband could never cheat, or whatever the situation calls)....It feels good to be wanted and loved, and that love (whether real or not from the MM) fills some void in all of us (OW and BS alike), where it compartmentalizes the painful effect the A has on each person in the triangle. OW are able to justify the A because the MM is trying to get out of the marriage (even though deep down, they know that most MM do not leave the marriage) and that the BS is a horrible, evil, unloving woman, and this poor MM is having to deal with such a horrible life.

 

Unless of course the OW is really an evil, man chasing seductress succubi, they are just as vulnerable to the charms of MM as we were when we said "I Do".

 

I say this as a BS. I hated the OW in my situation with such vehemence that I wished her dead. She knew my husband was married, and I even called and asked her about her relationship with my husband. She denied denied denied, and when I finally got the truth from my WH, I sent her an email asking (pleading) for her to tell me the truth so I could do right by my children, and she sent me the most hurtful email, saying that I needed to be taken into the woods and shot, and that she would go to court and take my children away, and that if I had questions about my WH, that I didn't know him very well because a man with such integrity shouldn't have to deal with backwoods idiots like me.....Then she proceeded to tell me that she knew my WH for 5 years, sat next to him in philosophy classes with him for 5 years....I knew that was a lie because my WH only was in grad school for 2 years, and we didn't even live in that state for 3 years.....Before and after we lived in that state, we were hundreds of miles away....So, either she is insane, or....well, I don't really see that there could be an either or here. I pity her, really. According to my fWH, she liked to be the OW to several different men, including professors in the grad school department where they were enrolled. I still have feelings of anger at her, but now they are more grounded in pity. I hate that she feels so much resentment and anger in this world. That's a lot of stuff to carry around.

 

Then again, there are those women out there who just do not care, and all they want is to get off anyway they can with anyone they want. Now this, this I will never understand....Nor could I forgive.

 

And God....God is justice. He does dole out justice. For all of you who believe otherwise, look at all the examples He has provided of His justice. Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Nadab and Abihu, Uzza the priest, the Jewish people going into captivity all those times, the destruction of the world with the flood, the destruction of all the towns and cities that turned their backs on Him. God does serve justice, if not, what is the purpose? Would a good parent let their child do whatever they wanted to do without any reprimand, any justice for their knowledge, life lesson? God is the same. And for anyone who says different, you are just deluding yourself with this humanisitic ideal of an all loving, all accepting God. This God doesn't exist. God is love, but he is also Justice.

[Lachicauna]

I guess some people are not fully reading the post before they respond, and I thank those who are. I clearly state in my post that I am just trying to understand. Yes I am a BS and I have not attempted to hide the fact that I am. I have actually spoken to the OW from my H's A and I have forgiven her. It was actually easier for me to forgive her than it was to forgive my H despite the fact that she was not only knowingly dealing with my H but she also did things to tourment me during the A. Yes she was lied to about certain things, but she says that had she really thought about the things he was telling her vs the evidence she was seeing, like photos on FB, statuses by myself and other people we hung with, she would have known that all he said couldn't possibly be true. The OW in my situation was ok with being the OW because she had been hurt by the person she loved and just wanted to do her without caring about anybody else.

 

My pain is still very fresh and I did not come into this forum trying to disrespect or upset anyone. I simply wanted to hear some responses from OW/OM who have no personal relationship with me because I felt they would be honest responses. I blame my H more than I blame the OW in my situation. I am simply trying to understand what goes through the OW/OM mind.

 

For those of you who don't believe that God is a God of Justice, you should really pick up a bible and read it. You can even google bible verses by topic and type in adultery, reaping what you sew, causing pain to others, adulteress woman, wickedness, etc. It is all in there and I pray that you take the time to read it and that God speaks to your heart while you are reading it.

 

Thank you to all of you who attempted to give me some insight and to those of you who stood up for me.

 

I told both my H and the OW in my situation this. It takes a person who is in extreme pain to be able to knowingly cause extreme pain on another person. With that being what I believe to be true, I pray that God takes their pain and the pain of many others like them away and fills them with the love of Christ and the ability to see temptations, deceitfulness, and other evils for what they really are.

 

God Bless You ALL

[KarmasTestDummy]

I guess some people are not fully reading the post before they respond, and I thank those who are. I clearly state in my post that I am just trying to understand. Yes I am a BS and I have not attempted to hide the fact that I am. I have actually spoken to the OW from my H's A and I have forgiven her. It was actually easier for me to forgive her than it was to forgive my H despite the fact that she was not only knowingly dealing with my H but she also did things to tourment me during the A. Yes she was lied to about certain things, but she says that had she really thought about the things he was telling her vs the evidence she was seeing, like photos on FB, statuses by myself and other people we hung with, she would have known that all he said couldn't possibly be true. The OW in my situation was ok with being the OW because she had been hurt by the person she loved and just wanted to do her without caring about anybody else.

 

My pain is still very fresh and I did not come into this forum trying to disrespect or upset anyone. I simply wanted to hear some responses from OW/OM who have no personal relationship with me because I felt they would be honest responses. I blame my H more than I blame the OW in my situation. I am simply trying to understand what goes through the OW/OM mind.

 

For those of you who don't believe that God is a God of Justice, you should really pick up a bible and read it. You can even google bible verses by topic and type in adultery, reaping what you sew, causing pain to others, adulteress woman, wickedness, etc. It is all in there and I pray that you take the time to read it and that God speaks to your heart while you are reading it.

 

Thank you to all of you who attempted to give me some insight and to those of you who stood up for me.

 

I told both my H and the OW in my situation this. It takes a person who is in extreme pain to be able to knowingly cause extreme pain on another person. With that being what I believe to be true, I pray that God takes their pain and the pain of many others like them away and fills them with the love of Christ and the ability to see temptations, deceitfulness, and other evils for what they really are.

 

God Bless You ALL

 

Can I ask some now? Are you staying with your husband despite the affair? My guess is based on your faith you plan to. If so, how do you think it will go? Do you plan to forgive and trust again? How do you think you will be able to trust him again. Please be aware that affairs are addictive. 99% of mm reach out to the ow many times over and over despite saying they want to go no contact and work on their marriage. Seems to come in a predictable timetable. Within 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, and 6 months. It is very hard for them to let go...you will have to make a conscious effort to bring joy and newness, respect and appreciation back into the home. Marriage counseling should definitely be considered.

[whichwayisup]

God Bless You ALL

 

No, God Bless you! It takes a very dedicated and special person to work through infidelity and want to give the CS a second chance. The BS has to be the biggest person of the triangle. The BS has to allow their CS some rope, some space as mentioned that sometimes NC is broken. IT doesn't mean that he wants to run back to the OW, but the addiction is there, the habit, the affair dynamic is hard to give up. Remember, it's about him and his needs so if he breaks contact, it has NOTHING to do with you, or the OW. It's his ego. Sounds selfish and it is selfish.

 

Do a site search on members OWL and Thumbingmyway. Two stories that I believe will help you. If you can't find the links to their stories by searching their names, let me know and I'll find it for you and post it.

[steelknife]

I came to this forum because I wanted to know what goes on in the OW mind. I am really curious to know how you justify having a relationship with another person's spouse. What do you hope to get out of the relationship? Do you have any idea how much pain and damage your relationship has the potential to do to the spouse their child/ren if they have any? I understand that the MM/MW is the one that made the vows, but marriage is a covenant between Husband, Wife, and God. This means that you are going against God. Do you not realize that you are going to reap what you have sewn? I just want to know what you truly feel about your relationship with the MM/MW. I am not trying to attack at all and if I come off as if I am I apologize. I am just trying to get some insight.

 

i love him. and there is nothing else i can say to justify my affair with him. he completes me, call me blind. i know what i am, i knwo what im not. i see what is wrong. and yet i was in that relationship bec i love him. i dont understand the pull of the relationship.

 

i kept wishing for us to have more time together, spend time where we dotn have to hide, where we can stop looking at our watches bec he has to go, where we can go to places where we can be free. but for me to hope he leaves his family for me, i never did. i dont know really know what i hoped to get fr the relationship. jsut him and more time i guess. i never had any intention to break his family. but it goes with out saying, we were only thinkin of ourselves.

 

we both knwo of course what would happened if the bs would find out. and i know he adores his children. as ive said, he might have a problem as a husband, but as a father, he truly adores his children. we kept it a secret bec it has to be or we lose each other. we had to live that way because we love each other.

 

We both grew up in a very religious family. we both knew what we were doing. but at the time of the relationship. nothing else mattered. it was me, him and our time togehter, around his children and bs. it kept us going. it kept me sane. i stayed bec i love him.i want him to be mine. but bec he has a family i accepted them with him. and i never thought ill thoughts to his wife..it was accepted bec i have to, or else ill lose him.

 

they said that falling for the wrong man meant something was wrong with your childhood. maybe. but for me, it was simple because i love him. beyond reason. and beyond any thing. selfish, yes. and no.

 

the heart when it loves....

[pureinheart]

Shame on JT. Shame on all of us. If we never speak up and talk about the things we have done wrong, who will learn from our mistakes?

 

It's the condescending way it's done...also I never hear any mistakes from certain posters, they just point out what others do wrong and are very consistant.

[pureinheart]

OP, I think you will find that a number of OW's here either do not believe in God, or believe in what benefits them. Some have gone so far as to say that God owes them. Actually, I think I owe God, not the other way around.

 

It's a sense of entitlement that I do not understand. And it looks as though you do not either, hence your thread.

 

I have heard OM/OW say that they had lost their faith, but never have I heard anyone say that God owes them...

 

I find this statement (bold) very interesting as I don't see how you wouldn't understand it, or didn't at some point.

Edited October 22, 2010 by pureinheart

[pureinheart]

This means that you are going against God. Do you not realize that you are going to reap what you have sewn? .

 

And God....God is justice. He does dole out justice. For all of you who believe otherwise, look at all the examples He has provided of His justice. Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Nadab and Abihu, Uzza the priest, the Jewish people going into captivity all those times, the destruction of the world with the flood, the destruction of all the towns and cities that turned their backs on Him. God does serve justice, if not, what is the purpose? Would a good parent let their child do whatever they wanted to do without any reprimand, any justice for their knowledge, life lesson? God is the same. And for anyone who says different, you are just deluding yourself with this humanisitic ideal of an all loving, all accepting God. This God doesn't exist. God is love, but he is also Justice.

 

 

For those of you who don't believe that God is a God of Justice, you should really pick up a bible and read it. You can even google bible verses by topic and type in adultery, reaping what you sew, causing pain to others, adulteress woman, wickedness, etc. It is all in there and I pray that you take the time to read it and that God speaks to your heart while you are reading it.

 

I just want to say that I fail to understand the reasoning for posting in duplicate Gods judgement/chastisement? I don't think you will get an arguement in this forum concerning this.

 

What you might get is a person who is already turned off to God, turned off even further as it can appear as ones own personal agenda stemming from IMO a soulish realm, meaning the flesh is in operation and not God.

 

We have all fallen short, we have all messed up and we will until the day we die.

 

This is no different than any other offence/sin, God receives us already, it's just a matter of when WE decide to return to Him...BS's need redemption also...

 

There is enough guilt and condemnation in this world...and definitely not enough love...

[bentnotbroken]

It's the condescending way it's done...also I never hear any mistakes from certain posters, they just point out what others do wrong and are very consistant.

 

 

We all post condescending way from time to time. Remember the posts to me about using . You said something to the effect if someone is that confused all the time they shouldn't be posting. It seems that you are even guilty.

[jthorne]

Oh, please. Those of you that want to read something into my post, that's on you.

 

OP, I recently had a thread about spirituality and affairs. It was shocking to me to see the number of current OW who either had no place for God, or used Him when it was to their benefit, compared to the number of fOW or BS who did seem to have some spirituality in their lives. It's almost as if saying I don't believe in God, so hurting someone else isn't wrong. Or, I've had a hard life, so I am owed happiness with someone else's husband. Or the kicker, God gave me this married man to love.

 

I myself never felt any of those things so it was rather eye-opening to read.

 

There are a few of us, (I think) that constantly struggled with it, but held onto the false promise that all would be good in the end. What I came to realize at the end, and through reading here, is that nothing good could have come of it. I wouldn't have been able to deal with the guilt of hurting other people. And, my affairyland assumption that he would automatically change to be the person of integrity I had always hoped he would be was totally wrong.

 

For me, I was lucky things didn't work out. I learned a lot about myself and who I really am, not who a married man wanted me to be. The BS in my A never found out. Debatable whether that is good or bad, but the general consensus of some fellow LS'ers is that the only person I hurt was myself.

 

I really hope that's true.

 

I've said it on other threads, and I'll repeat it here. It wasn't until I came here and read the posts of many BS that it really hit home the kind of damage that could have been caused by the A, needless damage. It made an already remorseful person embarassed and ashamed for participating in that. Now that I am married (to someone else obviously), it's even harder to stomach. My marriage is precious to me. The WS and condition of marriage aside, I just cannot see how a third person would feel they have a right to insert themselves into my marriage. I pray that never happens, and am sorry for those whom it has.

Edited October 22, 2010 by jthorne

[Lachicauna]

Can I ask some now? Are you staying with your husband despite the affair? My guess is based on your faith you plan to. If so, how do you think it will go? Do you plan to forgive and trust again? How do you think you will be able to trust him again. Please be aware that affairs are addictive. 99% of mm reach out to the ow many times over and over despite saying they want to go no contact and work on their marriage. Seems to come in a predictable timetable. Within 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, and 6 months. It is very hard for them to let go...you will have to make a conscious effort to bring joy and newness, respect and appreciation back into the home. Marriage counseling should definitely be considered.

 

After 2 months of my H being out of the house he has just recently returned. At this point I am attempting to stay with him because of several reasons. You are more than welcome to read the post that wrote on the infidelity forum. That would give you a short run down of my long story. I do not know how I am going to get over this or trust him, but I do know that in my faith adultery is an acceptable reason to get a D. If I am unable to get over this, I know that although God hates divorce, I will be justified in leaving. I love my husband very much. We have four beautiful children who also love him very much. I am not one who believes in staying for the children. My plan is to try to live each day, one day at a time. We are on a waiting list for MC and IC but the plan is for both of us to go to both MC and IC. I will not make a final decision about whether we are going to make it or not until we have gone through those. Prayer and my relationship with God plays a major part in the decisions that I make. The statements you made about the H contacting the OW even after NC has been agreed upon is probably one of the reasons I am here. I am not so naieve that I don't think he thinks about her or even wants to call her sometimes. Whether he fights the urges or not, I don't know. I am still trying to find a place where I can get into the minds of the MM/MW who have A's and still claim to love their spouse. I wish I could put a bug in my H's head to record every thought. I have told him that I would much rather just be friends with him than to wind up hating him because he tried to stay with me when he didn't truly want to be with me. I have told him several times that although I love him dearly, if he wants to be single, or if he wants to be with someone else, that he should do so because I truly want him to be happy even if that means that he is happy without me.

 

Well, I am rambling on an on, but I think I answered all of your questions.

[Lachicauna]

No, God Bless you! It takes a very dedicated and special person to work through infidelity and want to give the CS a second chance. The BS has to be the biggest person of the triangle. The BS has to allow their CS some rope, some space as mentioned that sometimes NC is broken. IT doesn't mean that he wants to run back to the OW, but the addiction is there, the habit, the affair dynamic is hard to give up. Remember, it's about him and his needs so if he breaks contact, it has NOTHING to do with you, or the OW. It's his ego. Sounds selfish and it is selfish.

 

Do a site search on members OWL and Thumbingmyway. Two stories that I believe will help you. If you can't find the links to their stories by searching their names, let me know and I'll find it for you and post it.

 

Thank you!! I am going to try to find them now.

[on a learning curve]

I GET IT!

 

It's one thing to be in an active A and quite another to be "over" it.

 

I think the questions are presumptuous. This is not a Q/A forum that OW are obligated to answer anyone's questions as if they are subjects to be studied.

 

It would be just as rude to go into the infidelity forum and start asking what the BS did to their spouse to get them to cheat.

 

It was not worded respectfully at all.

 

GEL

 

I have to admit, this was my first thought when I read the OP's inquiry.

 

OP asked: "I came to this forum because I wanted to know what goes on in the OW mind". As if there is one concrete answer, or that all OW/OM constitute a breed of people wired differently from everyone else? Maybe I am defensive, and I accept that.

 

OP - It would likely be beneficial for you (if you haven't already), to read through the many posts here by OW/OM to get an idea of the thought processes of women/men involved in affairs. There is a wealth of information here from folks in various stages of an affair, and I think you'll find answers as to how individual OM/OW feel about their involvement.