Dear OM/OW

[BB07]

To the OP.........I hope you find peace and healing.

 

Ya know I wish that for everyone who has been hurt by an affair regardless of the position in the triangle.

 

Of course I want this for myself too.

[porter218]

 

For those of you who don't believe that God is a God of Justice, you should really pick up a bible and read it. You can even google bible verses by topic and type in adultery, reaping what you sew, causing pain to others, adulteress woman, wickedness, etc. It is all in there and I pray that you take the time to read it and that God speaks to your heart while you are reading it.

 

IDK.. doesn't sound like what is preached at my church. Not to get off on religion here, but more often my church discusses God is a God of forgiveness. Even if someone commits a sin they can be saved and then completely forgiven. No matter what the sin. You may want to spend more time focusing on that to get yourself to a healing place in your M. Here is a link for you

http://www.allaboutfollowingjesus.org/meditation-on-gods-forgiveness-faq.htm

 

I read your post about what you have gone through with your H and I am so sorry you are going through such a trying time. I hope for your sake he is being very genuine with you about trying to work things out...but if you notice anything else that seems suspicious I think for the sake of your kids it should be time to throw in the towel. You will at least know you did do every thing in your power to save your M. Best of luck to you!

[desertIslandCactus]

IDK.. doesn't sound like what is preached at my church. Not to get off on religion here, but more often my church discusses God is a God of forgiveness. Even if someone commits a sin they can be saved and then completely forgiven. No matter what the sin. You may want to spend more time focusing on that to get yourself to a healing place in your M. Here is a link for you

http://www.allaboutfollowingjesus.org/meditation-on-gods-forgiveness-faq.htm

 

QUOTE]

 

This follows repentance .. true repentance..

 

It is extremely difficult to tell someone who has been sinned against - to just forgive. It all comes with time. And there are stages of grief.

[KarmasTestDummy]

After 2 months of my H being out of the house he has just recently returned. At this point I am attempting to stay with him because of several reasons. You are more than welcome to read the post that wrote on the infidelity forum. That would give you a short run down of my long story. I do not know how I am going to get over this or trust him, but I do know that in my faith adultery is an acceptable reason to get a D. If I am unable to get over this, I know that although God hates divorce, I will be justified in leaving. I love my husband very much. We have four beautiful children who also love him very much. I am not one who believes in staying for the children. My plan is to try to live each day, one day at a time. We are on a waiting list for MC and IC but the plan is for both of us to go to both MC and IC. I will not make a final decision about whether we are going to make it or not until we have gone through those. Prayer and my relationship with God plays a major part in the decisions that I make. The statements you made about the H contacting the OW even after NC has been agreed upon is probably one of the reasons I am here. I am not so naieve that I don't think he thinks about her or even wants to call her sometimes. Whether he fights the urges or not, I don't know. I am still trying to find a place where I can get into the minds of the MM/MW who have A's and still claim to love their spouse. I wish I could put a bug in my H's head to record every thought. I have told him that I would much rather just be friends with him than to wind up hating him because he tried to stay with me when he didn't truly want to be with me. I have told him several times that although I love him dearly, if he wants to be single, or if he wants to be with someone else, that he should do so because I truly want him to be happy even if that means that he is happy without me.

 

Well, I am rambling on an on, but I think I answered all of your questions.

 

Thank you for answering. I think you have a good plan and the fact that you're not approaching it naively makes me applaud you with great respect. I was a bs before I was an OW, though my marriage did not work out. I held most of my anger at the ow for the longest time until the shoe was on the other foot and saw first hand the lengths a mm will go through to lie, manipulate and keep the ow in his life in whatever form possible. They are indeed conflicted in the heart. Usually time, comfort, familiarity and family win out over new and fresh even if it's not what he wants, so if you let him stay I truly hope he is staying for love and not any of the above or else you set yourself up to accept a very cold miserable existence while his heart pines for something else. I personally couldn't accept it in my marriage or the affair I had later with a mm. I know I deserve to be loved whole heartedly and be the only one in someone's life.

Edited October 22, 2010 by KarmasTestDummy

[porter218]

This follows repentance .. true repentance..

 

It is extremely difficult to tell someone who has been sinned against - to just forgive. It all comes with time. And there are stages of grief.

 

Oh I am well aware of that. I've been in her shoes and through the stages of grief. However I healed from my destructive M by one simple day at church where they were preaching about forgiveness...other things too that hit home but mainly forgiveness. I healed almost instantly from my pain. I am happy with my life because I no longer worry or waste time thinking about the people who have sinned against me...They will stop sinning one day and be forgiven too. That is where you can begin to live again.

[piscis]

Lachicuana,

Here is what is going on in their minds, whether they want to admit it or not:

 

MM

 

See MM

 

Want MM

 

Don't care about the wife as long as they get theirs

 

 

Dexter this is so rude IMO, forget rude it is so unreal.

Life does not work like that.

It is not that OW are dogs and MM are piece of meat

And let's pretend just for a second it is as you see it, so you are telling that a MM is not a capable person to see this and say "lady, I am sorry I am a loyal person to my wife please go and seek somewhere else"

 

Come on!!!

In most cases MM are those persuing OW.

[OWoman]

I came to this forum because I wanted to know what goes on in the OW mind.

 

There is no one "OW mind" that all OWs channel, but if you want to know what's going on in this fOW's mind:

 

* I have a project deadline which I should easily make - if I can muster up the motivation to start.

* We're having guests for dinner tomorrow - friends and colleagues of my H. I need to check that we have all the ingredients for the dessert (H is doing the main course).

* I need to book flights for our xmas break, as well as some accommodation, and some fun excursions.

* I must cut my photos of my in-laws' surprise party to a CD and send it to them, and post a selection on FB.

* I must edit an article for publication, and draft a book chapter proposal.

* I must phone my H's xW's bank and give them her current address, which she's never bothered to change - two years on - so that her statements stop coming here.

* I need to contact some people about a political campaign we're organising.

 

I hope this helps shed some light on those most mysterious of beings - women who involve themselves with men who "belong" to someone else...

[KarmasTestDummy]

Op I'm curious to know how ur doing and if ur h is behaving. My ex mm just recently broke NC at the (almost) 3 week point, just as I predicted, and to know surprise was playing the "I miss you, I need you" game. I hate that it is so predictable, and I hate that I was unable to ignore his calls or invitation. The addiction is so strong. I'm guessing your H is probably coming up on his 3 week point. Be on the lookout. Keep your heart strong!

[Spark1111]

After 2 months of my H being out of the house he has just recently returned. At this point I am attempting to stay with him because of several reasons. You are more than welcome to read the post that wrote on the infidelity forum. That would give you a short run down of my long story. I do not know how I am going to get over this or trust him, but I do know that in my faith adultery is an acceptable reason to get a D. If I am unable to get over this, I know that although God hates divorce, I will be justified in leaving. I love my husband very much. We have four beautiful children who also love him very much. I am not one who believes in staying for the children. My plan is to try to live each day, one day at a time. We are on a waiting list for MC and IC but the plan is for both of us to go to both MC and IC. I will not make a final decision about whether we are going to make it or not until we have gone through those. Prayer and my relationship with God plays a major part in the decisions that I make. The statements you made about the H contacting the OW even after NC has been agreed upon is probably one of the reasons I am here. I am not so naieve that I don't think he thinks about her or even wants to call her sometimes. Whether he fights the urges or not, I don't know. I am still trying to find a place where I can get into the minds of the MM/MW who have A's and still claim to love their spouse. I wish I could put a bug in my H's head to record every thought. I have told him that I would much rather just be friends with him than to wind up hating him because he tried to stay with me when he didn't truly want to be with me. I have told him several times that although I love him dearly, if he wants to be single, or if he wants to be with someone else, that he should do so because I truly want him to be happy even if that means that he is happy without me.

 

Well, I am rambling on an on, but I think I answered all of your questions.

 

I told my fWS the same thing. I can feel what is in your heart and the unsurety of what tomorrow may bring.

 

I had a bag-packed-and-out-the-door mentality for a very long time. I was unsure I would ever be able to trust my H again, and realistically I knew that without the restoration of trust, we could not have a future together.

 

I also encouraged him to follow his heart, and if it was with her, so be it.

 

But I refused to be anyone's default choice: Not for children, money, history, or even my religious views. It would not have worked for me to sacrifice my ego and my emotions to keeping the "family together." I had already sacrificed enough to the affair.

 

So, whenever I discovered continued contact between them, I threw him out again, demanding to know why he was here with me?

 

He, stripped bare of all the "I shoulds" in his life, chose me and he initiated no contact with her. He then spent a long time convincing me that he was worthy or trust again.

 

This is a long, arduous and emotionally rollercoasting process that takes two people committed to having a new relationship with each other; one built on love, trust, respect and appreciation.

 

And I too, came to LS curious of the mindset of the OW.

 

I wish you peace in all this.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter this is so rude IMO, forget rude it is so unreal.

Life does not work like that.

It is not that OW are dogs and MM are piece of meat

And let's pretend just for a second it is as you see it, so you are telling that a MM is not a capable person to see this and say "lady, I am sorry I am a loyal person to my wife please go and seek somewhere else"

 

nope, not saying that at all. MM/MW who are cheating bear the brundt of the responsibility of what they are doing to their spouses. But that is not what was asked.

 

 

In most cases MM are those persuing OW.

 

and the OW that knows they are MM don't care about the wife, again, as long as they get theirs.

 

and you want to talk about rude? NOTHING said in a forum such as this is as rude or despicable as cheating on one's spouse, or knowingly sleeping with someone elses spouse.

 

funny how an act that hurts someone IRL life, to you, pales in comparison to an opinion of what may go on in someone's mind.

[GreenEyedLady]

What I came to realize at the end, and through reading here, is that nothing good could have come of it. I wouldn't have been able to deal with the guilt of hurting other people.

 

That is what you believe. And so because she doesn't know you didn't hurt anyone? Is that how you reconcile it?

 

You're just as guilty as every fow or ow.

 

There is plenty of good that comes from A's. Now I think most people would want the good to come through another source, but in the end how many times do you read from a reconciled BS that their M is better than before because the A was a wake up call? Is that not something good?

 

Or from the BS who decides to D and has a better life without a man who disrespects her?

 

Everyone has responsibility for their choices, be it leave or stay or have a R with a MP and have it work out or not.

 

I don't care about your story JT. You've changed it many times but at this point who cares? You have no empathy for those who walked in your shoes and play the morality card every chance you get.

 

There are so many scenarios where good does come out of it, and not just the AP getting the MP. It does wake up some WS's as to what they will lose (family, children). I think you're projecting and the projection just doesn't ring true.

 

Life isn't fair. It's the choices you make when it's rough that define you as a person. You say yourself you didn't care about the BS until you came here.

 

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

 

GEL

[Silly_Girl]

That is what you believe. And so because she doesn't know you didn't hurt anyone? Is that how you reconcile it?

 

You're just as guilty as every fow or ow.

 

There is plenty of good that comes from A's. Now I think most people would want the good to come through another source, but in the end how many times do you read from a reconciled BS that their M is better than before because the A was a wake up call? Is that not something good?

 

Or from the BS who decides to D and has a better life without a man who disrespects her?

 

Everyone has responsibility for their choices, be it leave or stay or have a R with a MP and have it work out or not.

 

I don't care about your story JT. You've changed it many times but at this point who cares? You have no empathy for those who walked in your shoes and play the morality card every chance you get.

 

There are so many scenarios where good does come out of it, and not just the AP getting the MP. It does wake up some WS's as to what they will lose (family, children). I think you're projecting and the projection just doesn't ring true.

 

Life isn't fair. It's the choices you make when it's rough that define you as a person. You say yourself you didn't care about the BS until you came here.

 

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

 

GEL

 

I have read and heard that so many times. I like your wording in this post GEL. I definitely think there is a wider view, and you've got it.

[Minnie09]

I don't believe that As create positive results ever. If the future after the A is a good one, it's a good one despite the A. And that applies to all parties involved in the triangle, plus kids, if any. Those whose future is more blissful after a dramatic change like that, are just lucky. The likelihood that the whole thing ruins you and your beloved ones is far greater than vice versa.

I do know couples who got married after leaving their spouses as a result of their A. They do seem happy, have their own kids now and a happy family, however, in BOTH cases the ex-spouses are far from being happy and recovered. They have to clean up the mess, struggle financially, survive as single parents, lose their home and all that. They have to deal with issues they never expected. They didn't want that. They have to watch their oh-so-happy ex-spouses' family lives. They were the ones cheated on and left behind. I think that's beyond tough and it's quite an arrogant assumption to make about all parties getting out of this hell in better shape than before. It's simply not true.

[Spark1111]

That is what you believe. And so because she doesn't know you didn't hurt anyone? Is that how you reconcile it?

 

You're just as guilty as every fow or ow.

 

There is plenty of good that comes from A's. Now I think most people would want the good to come through another source, but in the end how many times do you read from a reconciled BS that their M is better than before because the A was a wake up call? Is that not something good?

 

Or from the BS who decides to D and has a better life without a man who disrespects her?

 

Everyone has responsibility for their choices, be it leave or stay or have a R with a MP and have it work out or not.

 

I don't care about your story JT. You've changed it many times but at this point who cares? You have no empathy for those who walked in your shoes and play the morality card every chance you get.

 

There are so many scenarios where good does come out of it, and not just the AP getting the MP. It does wake up some WS's as to what they will lose (family, children). I think you're projecting and the projection just doesn't ring true.

 

Life isn't fair. It's the choices you make when it's rough that define you as a person. You say yourself you didn't care about the BS until you came here.

 

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

 

GEL

 

Gel, I like you a lot and I am happy you personally have had a happy outcome.

 

But I find this particular post somewhat arrogant and insulting to both OW and MP and BS in pain.

 

I think RARELY do the deception and betrayals most affairs generate for both the OW/OM and BS result in a happy result....

 

Most affairs leave a wake of destruction both in broken hearts, guilt, shame, and life-altering pain.

 

Maybe YOUR MM's spouse did not care.....maybe YOUR heart was not broken by a MM who tossed you aside to return to the spouse he claimed not to have loved....Maybe YOUR MM was confident enough to blend his children successfully with your own.....

 

But you have been reading and posting here long enough to know that is not the norm....and LS is filled daily with posters who have broken hearts. ruined lives and ruined families.

 

GEL, you KNOW better.

[Spark1111]

That is what you believe. And so because she doesn't know you didn't hurt anyone? Is that how you reconcile it?

 

You're just as guilty as every fow or ow.

 

There is plenty of good that comes from A's. Now I think most people would want the good to come through another source, but in the end how many times do you read from a reconciled BS that their M is better than before because the A was a wake up call? Is that not something good?

 

Or from the BS who decides to D and has a better life without a man who disrespects her?

 

Everyone has responsibility for their choices, be it leave or stay or have a R with a MP and have it work out or not.

 

I don't care about your story JT. You've changed it many times but at this point who cares? You have no empathy for those who walked in your shoes and play the morality card every chance you get.

 

There are so many scenarios where good does come out of it, and not just the AP getting the MP. It does wake up some WS's as to what they will lose (family, children). I think you're projecting and the projection just doesn't ring true.

 

Life isn't fair. It's the choices you make when it's rough that define you as a person. You say yourself you didn't care about the BS until you came here.

 

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

 

GEL

 

People who are reformed anything always throw stones!

 

I cannot understand the attacks against jthorne!

 

People who use to smoke, and then quit, become the worst critics against smokers.

 

What is so hard to understand about that? Isn't that one aspect of human nature?

 

If you were a fOW, grew to hate it, then quit it, then criticize others for it because in YOUR hindsight it was the worst thing you ever did to both yourself and others, is that a stance that should be decried?

 

If you are a totally unapologetic OW, happy in your relationship, is that a stance that should be decried?

 

If you are a MM who returned to your wife and family because it was the "right" thing to do, but every day wish you had the freedom to be with your soulmate, your OW, should that be decried?

 

If you were a MM/MW who realized you really loved your spouse and the affair was the biggest mistake you ever made in your life, should that be decried?

 

This is a public forum where all opinions can be posted, debated, agreed to or disagreed with....and we can all learn something from all opinions.

[Spiritgirl]

I just want to say that I fail to understand the reasoning for posting in duplicate Gods judgement/chastisement? I don't think you will get an arguement in this forum concerning this.

 

What you might get is a person who is already turned off to God, turned off even further as it can appear as ones own personal agenda stemming from IMO a soulish realm, meaning the flesh is in operation and not God.

 

We have all fallen short, we have all messed up and we will until the day we die.

 

This is no different than any other offence/sin, God receives us already, it's just a matter of when WE decide to return to Him...BS's need redemption also...

 

There is enough guilt and condemnation in this world...and definitely not enough love...

 

 

Wow, well said!

[Spiritgirl]

IDK.. doesn't sound like what is preached at my church. Not to get off on religion here, but more often my church discusses God is a God of forgiveness. Even if someone commits a sin they can be saved and then completely forgiven. No matter what the sin. You may want to spend more time focusing on that to get yourself to a healing place in your M. Here is a link for you

http://www.allaboutfollowingjesus.org/meditation-on-gods-forgiveness-faq.htm

 

Porter, this sounds much more like my religion and the God that leads and guides me as well. OP I truly am sorry you are going through so much pain and it says much about you that you are trying to work through and forgive. God bless you and may you truly find peace with all of this. You sound like a very strong woman.

[oxfordsocks]

As a person who was the other woman for almost 2 years I can honestly say that I did think of everyone. I thought of the Betrayed Spouse who didn't know what her husband was doing-I thought of his children whom he struggled with the thought of leaving.

I thought of my husband who deserved to have someone love him "the way i seemed to love my MM"

I wondered everyday about everything.

I many times let him go --only to be brought back in with his letters of love .

 

Why did i get involved---because we both were lacking soething in our lives and were on a website catering to people who were looking for something more.

 

After that we communicated daily--hours a day--8-10-12 hours a day for weeks on end until we finally met in person.

 

We talked a about everything for 3 months before we met. We shared our days and nights. We shared our dreams and our desires--

 

I honestly never have experienced feelings that I did , with my MM ever(including my husband) . I thought he felt the same as he told me-always-

I crossed the ocean to go see this person--and he did the same to see me.

We went only two days in almost two years that we didn't speak.

When I was with him I felt the happiest ever in my life--I felt beautiful and sexy and my body responded in ways it never had before.

 

I loved the look, the smell -everything about him in the most primitive way--there was no inch of him and I that we didn't share.

 

I took a plane from Canada to the Middle East to surprise him--showed up at his door (as he was working over there) and I never once doubted my choice. I was following my heart--following his heart, his words, his intentions. Although we both knew the difficulties we talked and thought that eventually we could be together-that this encommpassing love would make the path for us to be together as we tallked about it always. We talked about how hard it would be to seperate from a wife of 20 years and his life.

I believed that two obviously in love people could part from those relationships which made them go against their vows. That it was unfair to remain with those partners .

 

I continued because of what he said--I tried so many times to "find" a hole in the stories(even confirmed with his wife that he had tried to leave on one occasion) but saw the pain it caused his family over a period of a week and couldn't do it(this was after we had been together 7 months). This love that i felt i tried so hard not to believe it --mistrusting that it was too good to be true in absence of any proof. Everything he said was confirmed to be true.

 

Our relationship ended---bottom line--because all was not so true with hiim Actually I will never really know what was true---I only know that my feelings, and my love was true . I believed that people should be with those that they love---that if you were having an affair it meant that you did not love your spouse--and that tiime would reveal a proper time to end the dying relationships. I didn't have an affair "to be the other woman for fun---I believed that the intention was the same on both sides and would not have pursued and continued the relationship as a side dish.I believed that we were both making small strides in a direction to be together as that is what I was told.

 

If this makes me the "bad one--the tramp--the sleeze--whatever one word a BS would use for me" than I guess that is in their opinion what I am . But I am and always will be a good person--never intentionally trying to hurt people like a murderer-I am a human being with a heart(a very pained one at the moment) that thought she was doing what was meant to be. I am not sure I can ever trust my heart or head again because it all turned out so wrong.

 

I really thought I was doing the right thing for my life--and that two relationships had run their course to make way for one new wonderful one.

[pureinheart]

Gel, I like you a lot and I am happy you personally have had a happy outcome.

 

But I find this particular post somewhat arrogant and insulting to both OW and MP and BS in pain.

 

I think RARELY do the deception and betrayals most affairs generate for both the OW/OM and BS result in a happy result....

 

Most affairs leave a wake of destruction both in broken hearts, guilt, shame, and life-altering pain.

 

Maybe YOUR MM's spouse did not care.....maybe YOUR heart was not broken by a MM who tossed you aside to return to the spouse he claimed not to have loved....Maybe YOUR MM was confident enough to blend his children successfully with your own.....

 

But you have been reading and posting here long enough to know that is not the norm....and LS is filled daily with posters who have broken hearts. ruined lives and ruined families.

 

GEL, you KNOW better.

 

 

Spark, I must disagree with you as all situations turn for the better, no matter how they start out or end up. Not always does a matter turn out the way "I" like, it turns out the way it was meant to be...certainly I can push an issue, intervine and "try" to make that experience the way I want it, but ultimately it turns out the way it should once I've taken my hand off of it.

 

With the knowledge that we will all make not so good choices, and at times really bad ones. Some affect others. We have all be the recipient of anothers bad choice or our own. Now we can choose to walk in that forever saying "oh poor me", abusing others, or choose to turn a negative into a positive.

 

 

 

People who are reformed anything always throw stones!

 

I cannot understand the attacks against jthorne!

 

People who use to smoke, and then quit, become the worst critics against smokers.

 

What is so hard to understand about that? Isn't that one aspect of human nature?

 

If you were a fOW, grew to hate it, then quit it, then criticize others for it because in YOUR hindsight it was the worst thing you ever did to both yourself and others, is that a stance that should be decried?

 

If you are a totally unapologetic OW, happy in your relationship, is that a stance that should be decried?

 

If you are a MM who returned to your wife and family because it was the "right" thing to do, but every day wish you had the freedom to be with your soulmate, your OW, should that be decried?

 

If you were a MM/MW who realized you really loved your spouse and the affair was the biggest mistake you ever made in your life, should that be decried?

 

This is a public forum where all opinions can be posted, debated, agreed to or disagreed with....and we can all learn something from all opinions.[/QUOTE]

 

I used to walk in the "reformed" attitude and it's quite selfrighteous IMO. I paid a heavy price for that.

 

Concerning jthorne, it is the glass house senario IMO. In a "reformed" state, the hatred for "what we did" and the "hatred" for that renders a person ineffective and the tone/attitude is so severe that objectivity is not there.

 

There tends to be a level of "control" and a controlling nature in the reformed attitude.

 

Spark, you know as well as I do, it's how you say it (bold)...and this being a public forum is not a license for rude behavior, or for posters to have to defend the rights of others because this is a public forum and there are those who are unable to say it right.

[pureinheart]

Wow, well said!

 

Thanks SG.......

[jennie-jennie]

OP, I think you will find that a number of OW's here either do not believe in God, or believe in what benefits them. Some have gone so far as to say that God owes them. Actually, I think I owe God, not the other way around.

 

It's a sense of entitlement that I do not understand. And it looks as though you do not either, hence your thread.

 

Thank you, Bent.

 

Had my post been read carefully, one would have read SOME feel entitled. Did it say ALL OW feel entitled? No, it did not.

For myself, I never felt entitled, nor did I ever feel that God owed me happiness.

 

Oh, please. Those of you that want to read something into my post, that's on you.

 

OP, I recently had a thread about spirituality and affairs. It was shocking to me to see the number of current OW who either had no place for God, or used Him when it was to their benefit, compared to the number of fOW or BS who did seem to have some spirituality in their lives. It's almost as if saying I don't believe in God, so hurting someone else isn't wrong. Or, I've had a hard life, so I am owed happiness with someone else's husband. Or the kicker, God gave me this married man to love.

 

I myself never felt any of those things so it was rather eye-opening to read.

 

There are a few of us, (I think) that constantly struggled with it, but held onto the false promise that all would be good in the end. What I came to realize at the end, and through reading here, is that nothing good could have come of it. I wouldn't have been able to deal with the guilt of hurting other people. And, my affairyland assumption that he would automatically change to be the person of integrity I had always hoped he would be was totally wrong.

 

For me, I was lucky things didn't work out. I learned a lot about myself and who I really am, not who a married man wanted me to be. The BS in my A never found out. Debatable whether that is good or bad, but the general consensus of some fellow LS'ers is that the only person I hurt was myself.

 

I really hope that's true.

 

I've said it on other threads, and I'll repeat it here. It wasn't until I came here and read the posts of many BS that it really hit home the kind of damage that could have been caused by the A, needless damage. It made an already remorseful person embarassed and ashamed for participating in that. Now that I am married (to someone else obviously), it's even harder to stomach. My marriage is precious to me. The WS and condition of marriage aside, I just cannot see how a third person would feel they have a right to insert themselves into my marriage. I pray that never happens, and am sorry for those whom it has.

 

The bolded in the last post above was obviously a poke at me.

 

Talking about entitlement, OW take what is freely given to them, while BS scream that it is theirs.

 

Your hand on your heart, jthorne, do you not feel entitled now to your husband's love?

[juicyfruit62]

I have been an OW for 8 years. It started because of a very strong sexual attraction, and has continued for lots of reasons: strong feelings for each other, great sex, compatability etc. I am an atheist so what "god" thinks is totally irrelevant to me and I am not afraid of going to hell for my actions.

 

He pursued me, he initiated the affair, he is the one who doesn't want it to end, he is the one who followed me when I changed workplaces to get away from him.

 

Whilst I do think about his wife sometimes, I'm not the married one, HE is, therefore the responsibility for the impact our affair has had on his marriage is HIS. However, as I have posted in another thread, I would like to end it. He has recently admitted his true feelings for me however I have told him that I don't want him to leave his family and feel that it is time I settled down with someone else. I am finding it very difficult to end it however, and I am contemplating the pros and cons of just letting it run its course.

Edited November 4, 2010 by juicyfruit62
a misplaced apostrophe!

[Star_Bright]

I'm a recent exOW. And this is my take on the issue. Here there are women who were once OWs and now they're not. Sometimes it is because they are married to the once-MM and sometimes it is because they are married to someone else or sometimes they are single now or whatever. But what I'm trying to say is that we all walked the same walk. None of us is better than the rest, now or then.

 

I believe that someone who comes to the OM/OW forum who is not a OM/OW, and especially if they were at one time a OM/OW!, should have the intention to help. I remember reading comments here from exOWs like "at least my man left for me, sorry yours didn't" and "I can't understand the entitlement of an OW." These are not exact quotes but I believe they are very close because I remember wondering with bewilderment how a woman who was a OW before could be so mean to current OWs. And those are just examples, there have been more. It's just not right IMO. For me it goes back to how our moms (and Thumper) always said if you can't say anything nice...

 

My current stance is that it is usually harmful to be an OW. It harmed me and I can read the hurt written all over the threads of the OWs who want their MMs to leave their wives. If I give advice here it is of the type I received, that helped me, like, why are you putting up with this?, you deserve better, don't settle for second best, live your life for you, etc. If the OW is hurting/ wondering, I mean. If she is sure that she likes being the OW well then I say, good for her, I mean, it wasn't my cup of tea but I'm not out to convert OWs into exOW's, just to provide some help like I've received here. I feel I have no right to sound at all judgmental because I have done the exact same thing. Yes, it's easier to recognize when someone else is doing something wrong, but even if I have a judgmental reaction, I remind myself that I have done similar, just as bad things. I try to say everything with love and care because that is how the message was usually delivered to me (sometimes with tough love) and that's what helped me.

 

So to me if one's intent is not to sincerely help, they shouldn't be here posting. Now I understand that the person who started this thread is a BS who wants to understand the mindset of OWs. She hasn't said anything judgmental that I've read, more like questioning/ kind of being astonished, and IMO it's fine if other OWs want to answer her, I myself did. To me that is not nearly as bad as exOWs throwing stones or being judgmental or haughty at current OWs. To me that's the saddest thing because there is a way to help OWs who are unhappy without judging them (if one's intention is truly to help, which I think it should be if one is going to come to this forum where people are struggling). That's my two cents on the subject and I guess it's my pet peeve about this forum.

[Star_Bright]

I don't believe anything good comes out of an affair that compares to the hurt it causes. If there is something good that comes out of it - a new relationship, a stronger marriage, an independent woman - then it would be even better had an affair not caused it. Because an affair to me is destruction and everything else rebuilding, but it would be better to grow or strengthen whatever was there without destroying it in the first place.

 

In my sitch the aftermath of the A is teaching me to be strong and love myself. It would have been better if I learned this without all the hurt of being in an A and in fact I think I was in the A because I didn't know how to be strong and love myself, or else I never would have been in an A. A chicken and the egg type thing ha ha. So I'm building something new for myself but I sure wish it hadn't taken an A to get me here!

 

If the A ends up strengthening a M then I'm sure the partners wish it hadn't taken an A to get them there. It would have been much better to work on the issues without an A sparking the realizations.

[donnamaybe]

Talking about entitlement, OW take what is freely given to them, while BS scream that it is theirs.

I notice your negative choice of verbage. I'm sure everyone else did as well.

 

Your hand on your heart, jthorne, do you not feel entitled now to your husband's love?

This is easy. ANYONE should feel entitled to WHAT IS PROMISED TO THEM. If a man wants to leave his marriage, HE SHOULD SAY SO! If he wants two women dangling on his proverbial string, HE SHOULD SAY SO!

 

I just will NEVER understand a person who feels that people should just accept being lied to and having the bodily fluids of a stranger foisted upon them without their permission.

 

When someone is cheating and THEN has sex with their spouse, they are subjecting them - UNWILLINGLY - to sharing bodily fluids with a stranger. THAT IS WRONG WRONG WRONG.

 

Let the spouse GO so they can find someone who isn't a lying cheating sneaky type of person.