BlackLovely Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 I have posted about my trust issues in the past. This extreme difficulty trusting, stems from not seeing even one faithful husband in family, extended and immediate. There was also physical and emotional abuse from my mother. My father was too afraid to stand up to her and he still is to this day. Let's not forget the men that took advantage of my low self esteem when I was younger; they treated me like garbage because I thought I was garbage. By the time I met my husband at the tender age of 25, I was more jaded than a woman who has been married 10 times. I saw relationships with men as transactions and deceit; I didn't want to give my heart to my man until I saw what he could do for me. I believed that all men cheated and wives who trusted their husbands were stupid. I also believed that the world was out to get me, since my own mother gleefully hurt me whenever she could. Fast forward three years and I am very happy with my brand new husband. We have been through so many things together! He has been very patient and loving with me despite my problems trusting. My husband has helped me not get drawn into the dysfunctional dynamics of my family; I am no longer the scapegoat because I refuse to have contact with people who only wish to hurt me. I also do not bow to pressure from other family members who want me to accept my mother's awful behavior; I tell my Dad and my eldest bro (who is so enmeshed with my mother that he can't find a wife like he wants to) that they can choose to be afraid of Her, but I will not be. I did this long before my met my husband, but now I have more support. After our two year engagement and recent wedding, I finally looked into my husband's eyes and told him that I trusted him. He has proven himself and he deserves to be trusted, since he hasn't done anything wrong that I am aware of. I have been in therapy for my experiences. I don't think that the therapist could help me trust again. Rational statements do not work on someone who is relating from an emotional standpoint, especially where abuse is concerned. I had to come to this realization myself, on my own time. So this is a happy thread, but it's also a question: Is it silly for a woman to trust her husband, when so many men cheat like they drink water? I will admit, that there is still a part of me that wonders if I'm being a fool. After all, my mother trusted my father and he slept around. I know women cheat too, but I am not married to a woman, hence the phrasing of the question. Like I always say, polite and respectful responses only please. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 no, I don't think it's silly –*because there is going to be that one particular man in your life who you're romantically involved with who you realize you can trust because he loves you and respects you immensely, and you innately realize this is the guy. That's not to say he won't drive you nuts with his idiosycracies, but if you learn to separate the things that annoy you from the bedrock of love and trust in y'alls relationship, you're going to have a long, successful marriage. I'll go out on a limb to point out that other than your husband, there are other guys (usually good friends) you can trust wholly, because they also love and respect you for the person you are! Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 No, it's not silly at all. In fact, I believe trust is one of the essential elements that holds a relationship together and keeps it strong and healthy. I think there are many men in the world that you can trust and if a woman uses her instincts she can probably work out who they are. Unfortunately, I also believe that trustworthy men can become untrustworthy for a variety of reasons, but if you know the man intimately, you can probably tell if he changes his trustworthy status. I've had relationships with men I didn't trust and with men I trusted completely. I trusted my ex husband for our first 12 years together. When things started going wrong, I realised I could no longer trust him - end of marriage. Sometimes we want to trust someone because we love them but, deep down, we know that we shouldn't. For me, it's all about instinct. You feel you can trust your husband, so you trust him. That's great and it says a lot about your personal healing. Link to post Share on other sites
FructoseGrande Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Trust but verify. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 Trust but verify. That is not trust. Nor is it a helpful answer to the OP's question. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 No I don't think it is silly. But I did feel the same way about my husband for the 1st 3 years of our relationship. When I was pregnant with our daughter I thought about how he had been an absolute saint to me and if something were to happen to him how our daughter probably wouldn't believe how wonderful of a man he had been. Then I found out about the cheating. Granted he has issues. It would be best to be as certain as possible that you are with a healthy individual and as well do your best to keep attractive and attentive to your man's feelings. Often actions like cleaning the house and cooking dinner speak more to a guy then a card (of course everyone is different). This isn't to say that your man will do this, just be careful and thankful for the good days you have together. Also do everything you can to face your own issues, because one healthy spouse can pave the way for a healthy marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 No, its not silly. I trust my H implicitly. We have a zero tolerance policy on cheating in our marriage. He was the one who brought it up- before we got married he said that was one of his dealbreakers. I have stated this on LS before and have had many negative naysayers telling me I was stupid to trust him so much, (most of them were either cheaters or people who had been cheated on) but so far I have had no reason not to. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 I don't know what to tell you. I am sort of the make version of you and I admit when I see a man getting married or a man madly in love with a woman I sometimes think he is a sheep marching to the slaughter. I would suggest getting some help. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 Sadly, I do find trust silly. I don't think anyone is really trustworthy and I don't even see this as paranoia, its life and people break trust every day. That said, you can either trust and take the risk or not trust and drive people away. But I don't think trust is particularly natural - only few people we can trust and I don't think romantic partners are always trustworthy. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 It is not silly for someone to trust their H at all....and I get where that question stems from because I have been cheated on more times then I can recall. I spent my whole adult life never really trusting any man after my first R at 18. My lack of trust was proven and set in concrete over and over again with every time I found out I had been cheated on. But I have spent the last 2 years, since my D, soul searching and somehow I found the realization that people aren't bad and men can be trusted. Without taking the 'risk' of trusting someone you might miss out on your life by spending it in fear. I think that at this point I will just be more careful with who I choose and trust my gut when it tells me this is someone not to be trusted(my instincts never lie). And when I feel that way I will decide to move on to someone who doesn't give me that feeling. I know I will be married again one day and I am sure I will trust whoever he is. I know there are good men out there because I am related to a good number of them. So I am sure if you have seen all of your family cheat then that can be damaging. I am glad to know that only two members of my family are cheaters...my brother and my maternal grandfather. I have a huge family that is all very close and we know all the details of each others lives so if there are so many good men in my family then I know there are more out there in the world. I refuse to live in fear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackLovely Posted October 24, 2010 Author Share Posted October 24, 2010 Thanks for all the kind words. In the end, it seems foolish NOT to trust my amazing husband. What's the point of speaking vows, exchanging beautiful rings, taking his name and then believing he is just like the men in my family? Trusting feels relaxed and peaceful. When I look back on my past, I see that I was right to be wary of the clowns I dated before meeting my hubs. I should have listened to my intuition like Porter is doing. Woggle, please let go of your past! It is defining who you are, this hostility and hatred towards women. Your wife deserves your trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I am working on letting go of my past. In many ways both of us are sort of in the same boat and I do not want to ruin the best relationship I have ever had. In the end just realize that almost everybody of either gender has gone through hurt and betrayal and it is dumb to blame a whole gender for the actions of one person. Link to post Share on other sites
impz Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Thanks for all the kind words. In the end, it seems foolish NOT to trust my amazing husband. What's the point of speaking vows, exchanging beautiful rings, taking his name and then believing he is just like the men in my family? Trusting feels relaxed and peaceful. When I look back on my past, I see that I was right to be wary of the clowns I dated before meeting my hubs. I should have listened to my intuition like Porter is doing. Woggle, please let go of your past! It is defining who you are, this hostility and hatred towards women. Your wife deserves your trust. It's not silly. It's impossible for many to envision this trust because they are shaped by their experiences. To me, it is like a leap of faith to a man/woman who you can spend your life with. I am not denying that many people will cheat eventually. They do. However, there is likely to be a significant number of people who will be loyal, put you on absolute ease and make you feel totally peaceful. I hope this man can make you feel that way for a long time Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackLovely Posted October 29, 2010 Author Share Posted October 29, 2010 I am working on letting go of my past. In many ways both of us are sort of in the same boat and I do not want to ruin the best relationship I have ever had. In the end just realize that almost everybody of either gender has gone through hurt and betrayal and it is dumb to blame a whole gender for the actions of one person. Keep on rememebering that you wrote this! We are both well on our way to letting go. *hug* Link to post Share on other sites
DonnyWhoLovedBowling Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 I'm glad this turned out to be a happy thread, since it started on a bit of a down note. You're not bring silly at all. You should trust your husband/wife or you shouldn't be married to him. That goes for all married men and women. There are definitely good people out there. My parents have been happily married for 40 years without cheating (and they're still madly "in love"). If they can do it, anyone can. I do think it's unfortunate that youre questioning your husband because of men you dated in the past (though it's certainly natural if that's your experience). Just because you made poor choices with past partners (and they burned you) doesn't mean this one is bad news. It's always hard to trust after you've been burned but if you're going to try and spend the rest of your life with someone, I would hope trust was a necessary first step. In any event, it sounds like your relationship is going well and that's great. I hope it continues. Link to post Share on other sites
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