Never had a gf, losing all hope...

[thepopcornkernel]

Hello, I am a newbie here. I am a 20 year-old male attending Arizona State University. I have never had a girlfriend, although I have consistantly tried (using a mirade of methods).

 

My most recent attempt garnered the worst outcome: no response. I had struggled asking a girl for her phone number in my literature class. The reason for this is that my last attempt at verbally talking to a girl ganered me a "maybe" and never spoken to again. Anyway, to the dismay of all of my friends, I wrote a very "high school like" note explaining my difficulty in finding the right words. I acknowledged the fact that a note was a silly gesture and said I would like to talk to her sometime. I left my e-mail address and phone number. Like I said, I never recieved a reply.

 

So now, I feel as though it was a way of her saying, "You are not worth answering."

 

I have always feared being 20 and never having had a girlfriend. I am semi-confident, not unnattractive and by all means I have tried talking to girls. I have never had one girl be interested in me. My worry is that this practice will continue for the rest of my life. Many say I am being overdramatic, but how can anything change if this practice is affecting my overall confidence and character?

 

I used to believe in fate. Now, I shun the very idea. Is there any hope for someone that has given up on hope?

[Iamhappy]

Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it's never going to happen.

 

Sometimes the things we want to happen don't happen until we stop trying.

[Karlise]

I know you have probably heard this before, but things tend to come to you when you are not looking for them!

 

It's the truth, as corny as it may sound.

 

The best way to meet someone is to immerse yourself in things that interest you the most; be that history, water polo, microbiology, doesn't matter.

 

People who are consumed with passion for things are at their most attractive. They are filled with life.

 

So find things that light you on fire (other than girlfriends)

 

I guarantee you will have women chasing you.

[HelpMeNow]

I feel your pain ThePopCornKernel but coming here isn't going to give you any hope. The fact is none of the posters here have any advice that can help those rejected by the female gender. It's all your fault, they will say. Even if you decided to post every single genuine attempt you have made to get a girlfriend, they will just pick your every action apart. Believe in fate my friend. Otherwise, what is there to believe in????

[moimeme]

Um. I fear HelpMeNow has a rather cynical view about both LS and women. One need not 'do' anything to find friends/girlfriends. As others point out, it is what one IS that attracts people.

[thepopcornkernel]

Ouch... sensing hurt.

 

I only seek reassurance that 20 won't double up to 40 and 40 to 80... I understand your theory on believing in fate, but that is what I used to do... I don;t think it is right for me anymore. It let me down far too may times.

 

As for the joining a group that I am passionate about idea, great analysis. Problem is: I am a fan of reality shows and movies - far cries from swimming, chemisty and other hobbies that have devoted groups. It would be impossible to conjure up a reality show group. As for the movie group, I am a film critic for two newspapers and I have very strong opinions. Upon learning that I think "Cabin Fever" is an awesome movie and I won't budge on my opinion, I doubt any girls will be interested in me.

[RedneckRomeo]

hey - I feel your pain - in a way. I've never had a girlfriend either. When I was 20 though (a year ago) - I had some things happen that changed just about everything in my life. I suspect I have quite a number of girls that are interested in me, and I suspect that one of them is an old friend I ran into who I have a huge crush on. I really haven't actively searched for any girls - but things just happened that gave me opportunities to bring them into my life - and by taking advantage of those opportunities, I've gotten where I am now. Its just been amazing how much has happened so quickly. And all my difficulties in the past have helped me get to where I am now, so dont be discouraged just because you have girl-trouble. I've had troubles like that all my life - and now that I'm 21, my life is just about as good as it can get - I have the greatest girl in my life, even if she's not my girlfriend yet, she's still a great part of my life, and I wouldn't trade the years of trouble I've had for anything. They made me the person I am today - and I wouldn't be here without having gone through it all.

 

So dont feel discouraged. I am sure you are meant to find someone that will make your life whole, and whether that happens tonight or 50 years from now, rest assured that it will happen, but not before its time. Had events that I'm experiencing now happened a year before they did start, I would have reacted differently, and may have totally screwed up the good things that came out of this situation. You will find someone, though it may not be who you expect or as soon as you'd like, it will happen, and you will look back and think - WOW! Seriously - you will, because I look back right now and think exactly that.

[thepopcornkernel]

Yer story intrigues me. It is also sweet. So you are saying that something big and unexpected will likely happen that will change my life? Out of curiosity, what is your take on fate?

[Darkangelism]

Bro im 20 also, and in the exact same position, yes sometimes it bothers me, but if you can find stuff to keep you busy and having fun its ok, just keep trying, maybe approach girls in a different way, eventually we will find someone.

[DerangedAngel]

maybe approach girls in a different way, eventually we will find someone.

 

Maybe DON'T approach girls at all for a while. At least not with the interest of dating them in mind. Nothing turns me off like a desperate man. Whether it is one who really IS desperate, or one who appears to be. Woman have a sixth sense for those kind of things, I believe. At least most that I know do. The more girls you hit on and "fail" to get a date with, the more likely it is that the other girls around you will notice and read you as what? DESPERATE! As soon as you try to hit on them. Now, I'm not saying go to the opposite extreme either. A cocky bastard is just as bad.

 

If you left me a note with your email address and phone number, and you hadn't really talked to me enough to get to know who I was, I wouldn't respond either. Why don't you try to make friends with the girls in some of your classes? Getting to know them, without them feeling like all you're after is a date, or sex. Also, don't go into it expecting it will turn into anything more than a friendship. You'll put way too much pressure on yourself that way. You really need to chill and LET a girl be attracted to you, not 'forcing' her to be (or really shoving yourself in her face, waving your arms that you're single and interested. Won't someone please date me!) with notes, or attempts at getting numbers.

 

One need not 'do' anything to find friends/girlfriends. As others point out, it is what one IS that attracts people.

 

Great advice, simply stated. Be yourself. Someone should like you for who you are, not all the crazy efforts you're making.

 

Good luck to you.

 

-Deranged

 

(P.S. I enjoyed Cabin Fever (however I've been told I have horrible taste in movies), so I don't think that's going to keep a girl from being interested in you. )

[monkey00]

as my bro says: let things happen naturally.

 

look im 19 and i havent had a gf yet, but hey im in no rush. im still enjoying life as it is, i have other priorities to run in life.

im C&F with girls, i notice some of them may even have an interest in me. but hey, ill let things happen the way it is, if i find out they really like me, then ill ask them out.

 

i wouldnt suggest what deranged angel said....

 

once a girl places you in the friend category, you will have a ration of 1:50 of getting into a relationship w/them. if you want female friends then great!! go for it! female friends will always have hot friends, an even greater way to meet girls.

 

so the best bet is to meet as many girls as you can a day.

[thepopcornkernel]

I am feeling rather better, actually. I am not involved in many groups, so that is going to be a huge problem for me. But combing the "unexpected" event and the "just let them find you while enjoying what you enjoy" makes me feel better. I still doubt I will ever find anyone (my professor is 53 and has said he was never married).

 

I am not willing to compromise on the girl. She has got to be a dream. But I am going to let her find me. Somehow, somewhere, sometime. Is there a "Forever Eden" fangroup on college campuses???

 

[DerangedAngel]

i wouldnt suggest what deranged angel said....

 

once a girl places you in the friend category, you will have a ration of 1:50 of getting into a relationship w/them.

 

Perhaps if he makes some female friends, he will understand girls better. Long shot? Maybe. Maybe not.

 

Besides, not all girls like to keep guys in the "friend" category. And some will not date a guy who hasn't been there.

 

-Deranged

[monkey00]

Originally posted by DerangedAngel

Perhaps if he makes some female friends, he will understand girls better. Long shot? Maybe. Maybe not.

 

Besides, not all girls like to keep guys in the "friend" category. And some will not date a guy who hasn't been there.

 

-Deranged

 

YOU DO have female friends right dude??

as derangedangel said, if u make female friends you will understand them better. i have a couple female friends...it yea in a way helps me understand girls a little better.

 

PLUS on the end side of trying to hook up w/a girl, you will realize what you do wrong or right w/her...if u realize she put u in the friend zone, then u must correct your errors that did that to you.

yea, eerything in life is a learning process, learn from your mistakes. You just gotta try it.

[RedneckRomeo]

Well, unexpected, yes, but not necessarily big. Whats happened in my life consists of little things that all fit together like a puzzle to create my current situation. I have had my crushes, and lost them, and been lonely, so I found friends to hang out with. Through those friends, I met some old friends who are in a band, and little things that happened going to see their band eventually all worked together to put me where I am today. I have this huge crush on the one girl from the band, and I'm having a lot more fun in life.

 

A year ago, you wouldn't have caught me in a bar following a band, let alone out on the dance floor. But today - I'm a regular groupy for her band, because its really the only time I see her, and I'm out on the floor all the time "shakin' it" - and just having a great time. I dance with her, with others, or alone, and she's even had me up on stage once. And each day it gets even better. I saw her Friday, and we hung out a while, and just that little time we spent together, my life has changed some. I'm currently in the best spot I've ever been in life, and it just keeps getting better.

 

It wasn't anything big, but it was little unexpected things that just worked together to bring me where I am today. I had opportunities to say "forget it" and lose what I had, but I decided to give in and live it up while I could, and it turned out for the better.

 

Now, you bring up an interesting point - Fate. In a sense, you could say I believe in a kind of fate, but more like a constantly changing fate. Its rather hard to explain how I see it - but try this: Throughout our lives, we meet many different people. Sometimes we meet the same people multiple times. These meetings are bound to happen, no matter what we do, these meetings will happen at some time. The thing is, the time, place, and situations surrounding these meetings are not yet determined. The choices we make in life help determine who we will meet where, when and how we will meet them. The same goes for the situations that we find ourselves in. We are destined to be in these situations, but who we are in them with, when and where they happen all depends on the choices we make. It is all rather complicated, but I think it works similar to this.

 

I dont believe we are bound to a certain path, but we are meant to have certain experiences and meet certain people in our lives, but who we have those experiences with and how we meet these other people is 100% dependent upon the choices we make. We could meet a person by just a fleeting glance if we choose one thing, or we could meet them for dinner if we choose another. Similarly, we coudl have a fleeting glance with a certain person if we choose one thing, or we could have the fleeting glance with another person if we choose something else. But then, everyone else has their choices, so that also influences these situations and people.

 

Very complicated. More like a 4-dimensional problem. Choices we make, Choices others make, Situations we're to be in, and People we're to meet - all inter-twined to create life.

 

I was meant to meet this girl - and I was meant to be in the situations that I was in that led up to where I am now, but their order and the people that were involved, and the situation that I met this girl in were all dependent upon choices I had to make and choices that she had to make. It's very well possible that if she, or I, had chosen something differently, that there would be another girl in her position, or another guy in my position right now, or that we wouldn't meet up until later in life, or that it would have just been a fleeting glance and not met at all, but still enough to fulfill the meeting requirements.

 

Confused? I am somewhat too. Its very difficult to explain - this is remotely close to how I understand it in my head - but it can't be explained much better.

[monkey00]

i do somewhat believe in fate and destiny.

 

and you should make the best of what fate's offering you.

 

these 2 girls ....1 from my school, ive run into her and her into me in unusual places and timing, but it happens and when we meet, it feels like it was fate that brought us together. another girl lives in my building, i've run into her 4x in the past month...and it's just surprising!

 

out of all the ppl in my building i happen to run into her by far the most times.

both of these girls are interested in me at some level, what i make out of it is up to me.

the next time i run into them which will definitely happen, i'll make hte best out of it

[thepopcornkernel]

Yes, lol, I have female friends. I have absolutely no romantic interest in any of them whatsoever though. The two times that I actually had the chance to get female friends that had an interest in the things I have an interest in, I was too stupid and shy to do anything about it.

 

One time, a girl saw my "OC" poster and told me she watches it. I only responded, "Cool." The other time, a girl saw I was watching "Days of Our Lives" and said I was awesome. However, I was not attracted to either of these girls.

 

Yesterday, a friend of mine said that I needed to find some ugly loser girl that likes the things I like. He mainly went on to say that I have no room to be picky, I need to take what I can get. This strikes me as obvious but painful.

[DerangedAngel]

ugly loser girl that likes the things I like.

???

 

Is she ugly because she is a "loser" by your definition, or is she a loser because she is "ugly"? Also, if she shares your interests, what is making her a "loser" without you being classified as one as well? Nothing? So she is a loser because she is ugly? You are coming across as quite a shallow person if you're saying you're just going to have to settle for someone who isn't exactly a 10 in the looks category. If you haven't been told, looks don't matter in the grand scheme of a meaningful relationship.

 

I honestly hate (very much dislike?) the way you used those words together, regardless. Enough of my rant.

 

He mainly went on to say that I have no room to be picky, I need to take what I can get. This strikes me as obvious but painful.

 

Did I mention that desperate men are found to be unattractive by most, if not all, women?

 

-Deranged

[amerikajin]

Popcorn (et al),

 

Let me give you a kernel of hope (sorry, I couldn't resist).

 

I was 25 before I had my first long-term relationship (i.e. longer than 3 months). Even those 3-month relationships were never what I'd call exclusive. We'd just hook up occasionally, usually just a little date and some playtime or something. I dated a girl off and on for more than a year, but again, nothing exclusive. We'd often date each other for about a month or two at a time, get bored with each other and then go our separate ways, and it was usually she that would initiate the separation.

 

Like you, I didn't have any idea of how to read women and play the dating game (and let's just cut through the crap: dating IS a game). I used to be so self-conscious about my physical appearance, not knowing that I was paying way too much attention to how I looked rather than how I acted. I finally learned over time that I was sending all the wrong signals about myself.

 

The silly letter to a chick...the palpitations whenever she walked into the room...the stumbling over my words...every problem you have, I had. I eventually conquered it slowly by learning to pay attention to women better, but more imporantly, it started from within. I simply got to the point in my life where I said to myself "Hey, I like this chick, but I don't NEED her to make me happy." In other words, I slowly gained confidence in myself - and that's a big key. That's what women look for in a man: confidence. The sweetness is good, but it's not sexy, but in the words of Jack Palance "Confidence is very sexy."

 

In general, you have to make sure that you feel good about yourself at all times. Natural confidence shows, and women will pick up on it. Eventually, as you gain confidence, you'll see more and more women taking interest in you. At first you may be confused, but you'll eventually begin to see it.

 

I remember when I was in my junior year in college. I was very scrawny and like I said, very self conscious about my appearance. So I decided to do something about it over the summer. I worked out with weights every day and added about 15 pounds of muscle. I could feel myself getting stronger, healthier. I began to feel better about myself. It was actually a month or two before I noticed that chicks were starting to smile at me more, but the truth is, I felt better about myself anyway. I felt more like a man and not some wimpus Americanus. For me, someone who had always been the skinniest, weakest guy in the class, it felt good to walk around with pectorals women could notice. I also noticed that my natural features began to show more and I felt well-rounded physically. When I returned to school after the summer break, it was on. Women who hadn't seen me in a while (who usually either blew me off or only took a casual interest in me) were now giving me the serious eye and smile. It was an unfamiliar, but great feeling.

 

All of that said....

 

I still had trouble keeping women. I knew how to attract them - and that was half the battle - but I realized that because I'd never really practiced going on the chase, my approach was still awkward. I began asking girls out more often, and my success rate was improved in getting them to say yes. Unfortunately, the ones who said yes often said no to a second date because I had no idea what I was doing on those first dates.

 

Without going on for too long, you have to realize that dating is a process. It takes time to hone your craft. Some people are late bloomers.

 

You shouldn't give up hope, though. Your time will come. Look at each rejection not as a failure but as a learning experience.

 

I'm much better at keeping chicks now, but even so, I still goof or strike out. We all do. Don't let it bother you.

[thepopcornkernel]

Woah, I am just repeating what he is saying. I guess I should have included the rest of his definition. He went on to say that someone as strange as me can only hope to get a dorky girl with interests as strange as mine (but not necessarily mine). He said I needed to find someone that no one else wanted.

 

I am shallow in a way, but not on all plains. I don't want a 10, actually. I want a socially-labeled 5 with little quirks that make her a 10 in my own eyes. All I was trying to get at, though, is my friend right that ultimately, someone with no experience will have to "settle." For example, do I have to find the most ugly girls out there (inside AND out) in order to be with someone?

 

Trust me, I am not as shallow as you just said. I've asked out a very tall, clunky girl, a girl suffering from manic depression (she became my friend and made my life hell talking about the guys she liked, she had no interest in me), and several other 5's.

 

As for desperate, I heard you the first time. But if girls can sense it... how can you turn it off? Something that somone can sense cannot be turned off. Even if I acted happy and not wanting a relationship at all, the sense would still be there to the girls that matter.

[Durden]

I used to worry that i wouldnt ever find a girlfriend when i was 18-21. I'd try anything and all that was on my mind was finding a girlfriend. In the end after numerous disastarous attempts, i gave up and stopped looking. I didnt give a ****! Then, all of a sudden I had them flocking after me!

I've had a few serios relationships which have lasted between a year and 3. I'm single again at the moment, but not bothered. I know i'll have another girlfriend, but i dont know when! What happens happens. Dont waste your life worrying about it. Worrying is like a rocking chair, u can rock and rock allday but it wont get you anywhere.

[DerangedAngel]

I suppose we didn't exactly get off to a good start in these postings this morning.

 

He said I needed to find someone that no one else wanted.

 

This makes me so sad. I'd be even more sad if you believed him. So don't.

 

For example, do I have to find the most ugly girls out there (inside AND out) in order to be with someone?

 

One would think and hope not.

 

As for desperate, I heard you the first time.

 

Apologies. Felt it needed to be said again.

 

But if girls can sense it... how can you turn it off? Something that somone can sense cannot be turned off. Even if I acted happy and not wanting a relationship at all, the sense would still be there to the girls that matter.

 

As long as you are desperate to find someone, some/most people are going to sense that. So to answer your question, you can't turn it off, per se. Until finding someone to have a relationship with has moved down a considerable bit on your priority list... to the back burner so to speak... you are very likely 'repelling' women that you would be interested in.

 

Best of luck to you, pop.

 

-Deranged

[thepopcornkernel]

LMAO @ rocking chair.

 

Sorry on my part, too, Deranged.

[Durden]

Its true though!!

[monkey00]

if you said you're not unattractive, why should u find someone that no one wants??

you have the potential to find someone whom you appreciate.

 

beauty lies in the eye of the beholder

 

i can very well relate to amerikajin

 

im not the meatiest guy in the world, somewhat skinny, but i get a lot of eye contact from girls.

why?? because i have confidence, and it will show if you have it. i just started hitting the gym last december.

 

last semester compared to the now me is a completely different guy. I used to be the "nice guy" and i was desperate at some level, and believe me it shows when you're desperate.

 

the new me is a comletely awakened me, girls are more interested in the now me compared to the past me. what you have ti improve about yourself, you have to discover on your own.

 

with some help from this board and myself, i am able to live up to my potential that ppl will appreciate either it be man or woman.