3 years and no better

[base618]

It's been three years since my divorce. The short version is, married for a year, tried having a baby for a year, and caught her with another man 2 weeks after an insemination attempt. She ended up running away with him.

 

So lately, as in the past 6 months I guess, I find myself in the midst of I guess is a mid-life crisis. 38, and at this point I thought I'd have a family, a wife, etc. Instead, I only attract crazy women, relationships don't work out, I'm still stuck in the house we bought together, etc. I've been to numerous therapists, prescriptions, etc. I have just not been 'alive' since she left. Part of the reason I think is left over anger, that she could be trying to have a baby with me, and then like a light switch, turn it off and be with another man and live with him. I could have made her life miserable in so many ways, but I didn't. I know that was the right thing to do, but I still regret it.

 

So, come home from happy hour, and even though I shouldn't, I do an internet search... I already knew they got married, but then tonight I see this (X'd out the names)

 

What a week! First and most important, our good friends Xxxx and Xxx finally welcomed their baby, Xxx Xxxxxxxxx XXXXXX into the world yesterday. So exciting!

 

I hate the fact that I am nearly shaking right now, and I feel like I did 3 years ago when I was in the midst of the deceit, the divorce, all that raw emotion, hurt, and pain. I always hear how only 3% of affairs work out, but here she is, married and now having the baby that we were once trying to have, and I'm so lost and miserable and can barely function. It's just not fair.

 

It's been three 'effin years and I feel like I'm back at square one. I really feel like I've lost all hope. I hate who I've become.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry for your pain..

 

You want to get past this? Forgive her. As much as she hurt you, atleast she didn't string you along for years to come. She let herself fall inlove with someone else and she made a choice. It sucks, it hurts, but you have to let go and move on. Go back to therapy, find someone you can trust and open up to, work on "you'..Find "you" again so you can meet a wonderful woman, when the timing is better! You're not ready and attracting the wrong women into your life IS a red flag. Take time and work on letting go.. Forgiving her. It's time for you to live again and be happy! You deserve that.

 

I know this is alot to ask, but why not try to be happy for her? Look at it from a different angle and not one from pain and what you lost. I hope that makes sense.

[Steadfast]

I do feel for you friend. I can sense the pain and heartache in your words. But if you're looking for good advice and hoping to feel better, than I truly believe you've come to the right place. Good people here! Smart too!

 

I have three points for you to consider.

 

1) Having a baby with someone guarantees nothing. It is not a symbol of everlasting love between the parents, it is not an indicator of anything but biology. Do not poison your soul by tormenting yourself with this.

 

2) See the post above. Forgiveness is critical to your healing. If I can reach here, I'd say that's the biggest reason your three-year funk. The effect of harboring resentment plays out like this; if our happiness is boosted when 'bad things' happen to those who betray us, it only stands to reason we'll be let down if the ex is experiencing good things. Bottom line? She's still controlling your emotions. Take them back and give them some TLC.

 

3) At 38, you are still a young man. When 'the love of my life' left I was in my late 40s, overweight, losing income and burying my father. I was truly lost. Three years later I'm in shape, weigh what I did when I was 19 and have a wonderful lady in my life. Do not let age-pressures enter into your thinking! My brother became a father for the first time at 50.

 

The key is forgiveness. It takes time to train your heart and mind. Start by treating yourself better. The goal is to be happy in your own skin. In the meantime, there are tons of fatherless kids in your area just hoping someone will take an interest. Get out there and become the you that you like!

 

Keep in touch here.

[karnak]

Pay attention to what Steadfast wrote, Base. He's very right.

 

I sense that you really have no feelings for your ex. You seem to be just angry and jealous and revolted with the world. Your ex - a cheating, lying, bad person - done some evil deeds and now life is seeming to be all roses for her, while you're knee-deep in ****.

 

Trust me, man. I've seen way too many **** in this world, and met way too many messed-up people. So many, that I almost got insane at one point in my life and seriously considered suicide several times.

 

Just because your ex had a baby with the guy she's cheatd on you with, it means 0 considering the status of their relationship. If you take the time to read the latest "cheating" posts in LS (from the last year to today) you'll see that many, many women are starting to have affairs when their child are mere toddlers.

 

Her ex-affair partner (now husband) may very well be a cuckold and not know it. They're married for what...2 years? If you wait a couple more years you'll see your ex-wife cheating on him as well.

 

You're needing some peace of mind right now. And you're expecting some kind of "divine justice" I guess. Well, as for almost everything in life you'll just have to keep walking while you wait and see.

 

Don't loose hope, man. Keep walking. Remove all the "toxic people" out of your life and think about yourself and improving your life.

[br0ken_w0lf]

Just wanted to echo others' sentiments that forgiveness really is the key here. Like you, my ex left over 3 years ago (August 2007) and it was only about a month ago where I felt I really started to improve. What changed? At some point, I just let go of the hurt, the resentment, and bad feelings associated with her leaving. I let it go and truly forgave her for it. It was *then* that I woke up and realized that not letting go of all those things had been stalling any progress. Prior to that, I felt like I'd just been going through the motions for the past 3 years, not really living, not accomplishing a whole lot... because I still thought about the pain and often relived it. My current problem is that although I've forgiven my ex, I realized I still have feelings for her BUT in terms of life in general, I'm doing so much better since the forgiveness stage.

 

It wasn't the exact same situation as yours, but I know the pain you're going through, and I also know what it feels like to think, "how can I not be over this in 3 years?!?!". For me, I didn't consciously make an effort to forgive, it just happened. But if you at least start thinking about it, I suspect it will help until you get there. I'm really glad I saw your post and I do hope it helps. Take care...

[LiveWell]

What a week! First and most important, our good friends Xxxx and Xxx finally welcomed their baby, Xxx Xxxxxxxxx XXXXXX into the world yesterday. So exciting!

 

 

This is merely an assumption.

 

Whether it is true or not could only be confirmed by a DNA test.

 

My friend, I understand your sadness. But consider this: you are far better off than the man who ended up with your ex.