a rollercoaster of emotions

[Dear_me]

Hi everyone, thanks for reading.

 

I've come to understand a lot since then til now, but I'm still very confused about him and my own feelings. Perhaps it would help to write it all out and have it analyzed in the eyes of others?

 

Here is my story:

 

We started dating back since Feb/09 and at the beginning he was not serious with me. He was a player, bar star (clubbing twice a week, partying all the time), popular cool guy, knew all the girls and had many sexual partners. That doesn't help with me being a jealous person. But he had only 1 serious girlfriend on and off for 6 years. I can only assume he cheated on her if he had been with 20-30 partners in his 8 years of sex (lost his virginity to that same gf at 18). It caused me to have a lot of insecurities issues with our relationship.

 

Apparently I was special and made me his official 2nd gf. We dated for about 10 months but always had problems, always arguing and breaking up and getting back together. I could never make him happy, he is a bit of a narcist (dating him was like taking a course, everything had to go exactly his way to his liking, very hard to predict how he likes things done). He is a great guy, everyone likes him, friendly to all (maybe too friendly to the ladies) but being his gf was a whole different world. I like to share everything with my bf, a very close and romantic type of person. Whereas, he likes to be sweet only behind closed doors or even infront of his best friends. But I've noticed he treats me different infront of different crowds (at the clubs he would not stand near me but instead hang out with his other girlfriends which he does not introduce me too). That added to my jealousy and insecurities...

 

I feel deeper into the relationship than I wanted or planned to, but I cannot say the same for him (I don't even know if he knows what love means). Most of our arguements were about how I was so stupid because I don't have "common sense" to do things right (his own way of course), how I keep pissing him off and making him stress out more. Of course I had problems too, but mine were usually surpressed. So 10 months later, he couldn't take anymore of me and broke up. I was devasted...begged him and cried but he wouldn't have anymore to do with me. He even mentioned there was someone else....which I was not surprised about but rather hurt that I gave him so much of me and had very little return.

 

Yet, he claimed he still cared very much for me which brought my silly heart hope. He would still stay in connection with me, calling me every now and then. I knew the smarter thing to do was ignore him, but because I was in love I held on to every bit of him I could. I did try to move on, dated a few guys but no one could replace him in my eyes. Then I found out from a very close friend (a mutual friend) that he was seeing someone else while still with me. I was furious! I called to yell at the dirty bastard, but he wouldn't confess to the cheating (I assume all guys would hold their cheating ways to their graves) and in reverse he got angry that someone accused him of cheating. For months I was so angry at him but it helped only a little to get over him, yet somehow I was still always thinking of him.

 

We had been apart of 9 months, but living in the same area and having mutual friends we still bumped into each other now and then. He would still call me now and then. I was still angry with him, I wouldn't reply to his text or tell him to leave me alone but he didn't stop. Eventually I gave in and started to be friendlier to him. Gossip from a mutual friend was that he been asking if he should try to get back together with me, that perhaps if he kept talking to me it would be easier for me to fall back to him. And so it worked, my feelings for him had not faded since. Despite all the horrible events, I still found my heart hopelessly surrendered to his love.

 

So we are back together now, but things aren't much better. On the good side his lifestyle has changed, he no longer parties much, he recently opened a business and is so busy running it. Its a good things and a bad thing because he has no time for me. But our personality still clashes, we've been back together not even 2 months and we are fighting and arguing the same as ever. Maybe we are just not suppose to be together. But our feelings keep pulling us together.

 

I try to be a good girlfriend, accept his flaws and I do whatever it takes to make him happy. I wish I could make all our problems go away but there is only so much I can do, the rest is up to him. What I don't understand is...he finds me annoying, thinks I intefers with his business and I cause him more stress... why then does he choose to keep pulling me back?

 

I feel like its a never ending cycle, that if we break up again this time he will slowly find his way back to me and my weak heart will take him back. Its like when I don't have him I'm so sad and empty, but when he is mine.. I'm still sad because he isn't as I'd like and insecurities get the best of me so I still end up being sad and alone.

 

I wish I could make things better... but how can I when its who I am that he finds so annoyed by. I've put a lot of investment into this relationship, settled for less than I like because his happiness to me is more important than my own. But I know my heart is weak and will always fall back to him, so if he choose to leave again I can only hope he doesn't drag me back.

 

As for now, I know I love him. Should I keep trying to hang on and hope for a better future? If we break up, I will accept it as much as it will hurt. Maybe one day he will love me very much and be better to me? One can only hope.