We broke up... sort of? I'm so lost!

[la vie est belle]

You can read some background of our relationship on the other thread I started... ("thinking about ending my inter-continental LDR").

 

Long story short: He's in France, I'm in California. His new job requires him to move back and forth across France every 3-4 days for training, and he's been living in hotels. After training he's going to be abroad 80% of the time, being shipped somewhere new every 2 weeks to 2 months, all over the world.

 

I, on the other hand, am in school full time. I have a very academically rigorous schedule, I have major senioritis, I'm totally unmotivated, and am stressed out pretty much all the time. I've also been having a hard time readjusting to life in LA after living abroad for so long. I can't prioritize what's important anymore, I've lost sight of my goals, I can't really manage my stress, and lately I've been starting to get depressed about our situation. I've been starting to get resentful because we can never talk. I've been backing off to protect myself because I know I need to focus on myself. We have an amazing connection, but lately it's been hard for me to even say I love you because it just kills me every time.

 

So we got on the phone today and talked about all this. I needed to talk about this before I ended up doing/saying something stupid and destroying the relationship. I just cannot keep going on like this because I'm miserable and my happiness is more important to me than anything. We decided that we just can't meet each other's expectations in a relationship under these conditions. (At least not while I'm still in school/going through so much emotional stress anyway, and not while he's still learning his new job).

 

However, neither of us are ready to give it up. We're being forced to end it for reasons beyond our control and it's totally unfair. We both know this, and just can't let go because of that. In our current situation, we're only able to talk on Skype once a week and we send each other short text messages at least once a day. At the end of our phone conversation we decided:

 

1.) We're not together anymore.

2.) We can sleep with other people. But he made a point of letting me know that he has no desire to find anyone new, and that even if he wanted to he probably wouldn't find anyone anyway with his new job, and that even if he did it wouldn't mean anything to him because I'm the only one he wants to be with.

3.) We'll talk at least once a week, but cut out all the I love you, I miss you stuff because it just hurts.

4.) He still wants to see me as soon as possible. He said he'll either come to L.A. as soon as he can, or fly me out to wherever he is working if he's going to be there for more than a week.

 

So, our conversation started out as "we need to end it" and we ended up making all of those agreements. For me, that pretty much says "we're still together, but we're not calling it that, but we have an understanding that we may find other people, even though we don't want to."

 

I feel pretty relieved at the moment. I'm very very sad and cried a lot today, but I feel somewhat relieved. I hope I can focus now on settling in, doing well in school, being happy, and focusing on what I'm going to do after I graduate in December.

 

However, what I'm wondering now is what REALLY has changed between us? Not much really, we just agreed to talk less and not be all lovey dovey. I feel like we're just lying to ourselves by saying it's over... am I setting myself up for disappointment?? Has anyone else ever done anything like this, and has it worked? I'm sooo confused, now I have no idea what we are.

[Idalis]

I had replied to your previous post. I'm really sorry that it is turning out this way

 

What has changed is that you're not in a relationship anymore, from what I gather. It may not mean much since you weren't sure when you're going to see him though. I, however, would have a HUGE issue with a man who professed to love me and then said I could sleep with other people. That would be a breaking point for me. And vice versa I would never tell him that.

 

To answer your second question, I don't know if you're setting yourself up for disappointment, I'm sorry you're sad though. I can't imagine how hard it is. My bf and I have always had this idea that when you LOVE someone you do everything you can to keep them in your life. LDR's take a lot of sacrifice. My bf and I met at the worst time possible, we just had so much going on. When we had to go long distance I was really sad and just hated the whole idea of not seeing him on a daily basis anymore. I remember he told me that I had no idea how much I factored in to every one of his decisions from the day he met me on. I just think that when you meet THE ONE you dont put anything else first. And I don't mean you drop your career, or your family or whatever but you make the sacrifices it takes.

I think if your bf (ex) made time to talk to you without distractions you would be okay, don't you?? Thats really not a BIG sacrifice to make on his part, or on yours, if its true love.

[la vie est belle]

Yeah I'm bummed it ended up like this too... but now I'm just confused.

 

In response to:

I, however, would have a HUGE issue with a man who professed to love me and then said I could sleep with other people. That would be a breaking point for me. And vice versa I would never tell him that.

 

We're pretty open with each other about this type of stuff. At the same time, the French have a very different view on sex than most Americans... (a view I have learned to somewhat embrace over time lol). We both understand that we're 10,000km apart... and neither of us know where our futures are going, and that we both have needs. So we understand that if we're not going to be in a relationship we can't have expectations of exclusivity. So we both kind of assumed that this means if we find someone else that well... we find someone else. It doesn't necessarily mean though that we want to or will actively go out and search other people to be with. Surprisingly though, I'm pretty ok with it. I think the main reason I'm ok with it is because I know there's almost a 0% chance of him finding anyone with his new job lol. At the same time, I understand it's a possibility and if it happens well... obviously I would be really sad. I told him that if he does sleep with someone to please tell me and I'll do the same. Like, I would genuinely want to know. He pretty much freaked out when I said that and told me that if I sleep with someone, he doesn't want to know. He can't handle it. Either way, he doesn't need to worry about it. I'm way too busy and have no social life at the moment. And plus, I don't go sleeping around with other people just because I want some booty haha, way too many people have herpes, it scares the crap out of me! He's the only person I want to sleep with anyway

 

And in response to what you said in the other post:

maybe once in the next two months he can stay in his hotel room and talk to you?? I don't think ONCE would be that unreasonable

 

To be fair, he's only been unable to give me 100% for the past two weekends... and I still got like, 90%, which is acceptable but still annoying considering we only talk once a week. So when it happened two weekends in a row I went into freakout mode lol, "OH MY GODDD it's going to be like this forever!!" We actually have a Skype date on Sunday and he's going to be at the hotel. While I think I had a right to be bothered about it, because it is annoying, I may have overreacted a little.

 

We do really love each other, but neither of us are in a position to make sacrifices right now. By staying with him I think I would be sacrificing my emotional well-being... being with him with such uncertainty in the future, even the NEAR future, was really f*ing me up, and I really need to do well in school. It's hard for him to sacrifice too right now, because he has to move around so much and needs to get as much sleep as possible in order to be able to perform 100% at his new job (this is a necessity if he wants to get a permanent contract, but I won't even start with French labor laws lol). Bottom line being, we're both under an extreme amount of pressure, and we can't even support each other...

 

Because we're so far apart and we don't know when we'll see each other next, there's THAT much more pressure to talk often, but we just can't... like the stress:relationship fulfillment ratio was way out of whack. We were both stressing out way too much over each other, him over me because I was being distant, weird and stopped showing love, and I was stressing out over him because we need to talk more but can't, and I think it was starting to take its toll.

 

We live halfway across the world... neither of us know where our futures are going... the fact that we probably can only see each other maybe a few times a year does not help... and while we want to be together more than anything, we can't put off our lives for each other right now because neither of us are in a stable enough position to sacrifice. All we can do now is try to build ourselves so in the future it will be easier to be closer. That is if we are still "together."

 

I have no idea how this "non-relationship" status thing is going to play out... we'll see I guess. Maybe I think I'm ok with it now but deep down maybe I'm not... I don't think he's ok with it, considering when I asked if we would still try to see each other soon he was like, willing to fly me out. How is that not being together?! lol. It's so so hard... I don't know... it's very sad, two people who want to be together so much can't. I have never seen him cry. He didn't cry when I left France, or when he left L.A., he has always been the stronger one, but he teared up on the phone.

[folieadeux]

I'm so sorry to hear things turned out this way, but from what you've described here, it really seems like this may be the best course of action for you both right now. If needs aren't being met, then the relationship has to be re-evaluated.

 

For me personally, it's either all or nothing. I either have to be with the person or go NC if we decide to end things. But that's just what works best for me. Some people do just fine with the whole "in-between" stage, but that has always been too painful for me.

 

I think you both are doing the best thing you can right now in spite of everything. Coming to an agreement and being able to talk things through maturely is definitely a great sign. Alot of couples fail horribly even at this level. But whatever you decide to do in the end, keeping what's best for you in mind really is key.

[la vie est belle]

I know that for now it's for the best... all I can hope for though is that things calm down for both of us and neither of our feelings toward each other change until the next time we can see each other. Today was the first day we've ever had with no contact since I left France 4 months ago, and it makes me sad . It makes me sad even though I know he's thinking about me, and that we're going to talk Sunday... but still, it hurts.

 

I wish I could have that all or nothing mentality. I think it would make for a quicker recovery... I just love him too much though to do that. I think I would have to be in a really bad situation personally to call it all or nothing. The thought of NC killed both of us, because we both still love each other. What I'm hoping though is that I'll be ok in that 'in-between' stage and that it's not worse than actually being in a relationship where our needs aren't met. That's what I meant when I asked if I was setting myself up for disappointment.

 

I really like the way we handled it, I'm glad neither of us really freaked out too much about it because we both know it's for the best. I have a feeling though that once he starts traveling and he's going to be away from France and all his friends and family, he may start to talk about wanting to talk to me more or be together again... maybe to fill that void he'll have... or to add some sort of stability to his life. I should be wary of that...

 

I'm so sorry to hear things turned out this way, but from what you've described here, it really seems like this may be the best course of action for you both right now. If needs aren't being met, then the relationship has to be re-evaluated.

 

For me personally, it's either all or nothing. I either have to be with the person or go NC if we decide to end things. But that's just what works best for me. Some people do just fine with the whole "in-between" stage, but that has always been too painful for me.

 

I think you both are doing the best thing you can right now in spite of everything. Coming to an agreement and being able to talk things through maturely is definitely a great sign. Alot of couples fail horribly even at this level. But whatever you decide to do in the end, keeping what's best for you in mind really is key.

[folieadeux]

I too would be cautious about him "filling the void", but it really doesn't seem like this is the case here at all. The fact that he still wants to visit you and arrange for you to fly there speaks volumes. I give both of you so much credit for maintaining that balance, and with maturity!

 

I really believe this is one of those rare cases where it truly is the distance, and the distance alone, that's preventing you two from being together. From what you've described so far, it seems like everything else is fine apart from the miles between you.

[la vie est belle]

Yeah you're right I think. I'm just such a naysayer, because I have such a hard time dealing with the distance. I think he deals with it a lot better

 

He contacted me today (to propose a time to get on Skype tomorrow)... he said "what's up my *insert my name here*?" He's still referring to me in the possessive. How is that not being together?! Maybe he just didn't realize.

 

Either way, I don't know if I can not "be together" but still let him talk to me like that. It will just confuse me and make me sad. It's good to know he still thinks I'm his lol, but at the same time I won't be able to heal and think about our relationship if he makes it so easy for me to keep hanging on.

 

So so confusing...

[folieadeux]

He probably said it out of habit; it’s a tough thing to break after doing for so long. Or maybe he’s having second thoughts about everything and wants to get back together. You’re not a naysayer, anyone would be having a hard time dealing with the distance while trying to workout your “new” life together. I still think it’s a good thing that you both could be civil. It definitely makes things a bit easier, but you also need to do what you need to do to minimize the hurt on yourself.

[la vie est belle]

Thanks for the support. This place is awesome! It really helps to get objective opinions rather than letting this get out of control in my head lol.

 

We talked on Skype yesterday and it was cool. It doesn't really feel like much of anything has changed though, he even referred to me as his "chérie" as if we were together, and talked way more than normal about the next time we'll be able to see each other. Weird.

 

Maybe he just "misses" me more than normal, even though I haven't gone anywhere and am still just as available as I was before... lol. If anything, I actually feel way more secure about our "relationship" now than I did when we were "together" ... it's kind of ironic.

 

 

He probably said it out of habit; it’s a tough thing to break after doing for so long. Or maybe he’s having second thoughts about everything and wants to get back together. You’re not a naysayer, anyone would be having a hard time dealing with the distance while trying to workout your “new” life together. I still think it’s a good thing that you both could be civil. It definitely makes things a bit easier, but you also need to do what you need to do to minimize the hurt on yourself.

[pandagirl]

I totally relate with this situation. I don't think anything is ever black and white, but that's just the way I think.

 

From what you say, it was best for both of you as individuals and as a couple, to break things off for now. I was sort of in a similar situation with my ex. We broke up because things got too hard. At first, I didn't understand, but quickly I realized it was for the best, otherwise we would've run the relationship into the ground... in a bad way.

 

All I can say is you have to do what you feel is right. I do think you need a period of time of no contact, just to let the dust settle. I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with keeping some contact with your ex, but it will be easy to fall into a mode of feeling like you're together again, even though you're not.

 

The future is unknown. You're going through a huge transitional phase right now. Focus on making yourself happy, and the rest will fall into place in due time.