why is he so mean? he makes me feel incompetent

[janie]

my b'f of two years is really getting to me. i am a mother of three grown kids, so i am not so young. i have never had anyone tell me how to clean house, when to do dishes, when to do laundry, and so on, until now. we have lived together for over a year now and when i don't clean when he thinks i should, or do laundry when he thinks i should or do dishes when he thinks i should, and on and on again, when ever i don't do something in a timely fashion (his), he gets crabby and starts doing it himself, and makes it obvious by slamming things around that he is not happy. i never have a real dirty house, there is only three of us here, him, and my youngest daughter who is 20, so our apt. don't get that bad anyway. he complains all the time about the cat hair, i can't help that, they are spoiled and sleep on the bed so he complains about the cat hair, i can understand that somewhat but he wants me to get rid of them and i wont. when i tell him to leave things alone that i'll do them, i.e. dishes, cleaning, etc. he says "yeah when"? i am so tired of this attitude of his that i feel like kicking him out. he is also so moody lately, i don't know if something else is going on with him that i don't know about. he is a very private person and keeps business seperate from home, he don't share anything with me unless i directly ask. he don't tell me what goes on with his family, well sometimes he does, then when something comes up and maybe i hear him talking about it on the phone, when he hangs up and i ask him what is going on, he says, "i told you already" when in fact he hasn't told me nothing, he says, he did but i don't remember. i don't want to leave him, i'd miss him and i really love him alot, he treats me good other then his moodiness and bitching about my housekeeping. i am not a slob. i have never had complaints of housekeeping or anyone else say anything about the way i keep house. it is not dirty, it's just small and may look worse then it is. i clean when i feel like it or if "i" think it is so bad i can't stand it, but if he wants to clean it cause he cant stand it, why should i feel guilty? but he makes me feel so incompetent and dirty and useless and like i can't do anything right. what can i do? should i just let him do it when he wants? i told him before that he don't have to it, he says if i don't it will never get done, and that is so not true. help.

[bibi]

i don' think that is the only reason why he is moody. there is something which distrub him but he can't express it as want instead he just argue with the cleaning so he can have a relief by saying that. Please be smart and clear out and go deeper to find out. Otherwise the next step will be very hearty to you and it will be very late for both of you

 

take care

[Brooke]

Is this a recent thing? Or has he been this way since the start of your relation? If it is recent, there is, surely, in underlying issue that you need to probe.

 

In my opinion, I think you should try to find that out with honesty and sincerity. Tell HIM how he makes you feel.

 

If that doesn't change anything . . . do you really feel that you deserve to be in a relationship that makes you feel incompetent and unworthy?

 

You sound like a nice lady that seems willing to make this relationship work. But healthy relationships need communication from both partners. Is he willing to make

 

it work?

 

I wish you the best.

my b'f of two years is really getting to me. i am a mother of three grown kids, so i am not so young. i have never had anyone tell me how to clean house, when to do dishes, when to do laundry, and so on, until now. we have lived together for over a year now and when i don't clean when he thinks i should, or do laundry when he thinks i should or do dishes when he thinks i should, and on and on again, when ever i don't do something in a timely fashion (his), he gets crabby and starts doing it himself, and makes it obvious by slamming things around that he is not happy. i never have a real dirty house, there is only three of us here, him, and my youngest daughter who is 20, so our apt. don't get that bad anyway. he complains all the time about the cat hair, i can't help that, they are spoiled and sleep on the bed so he complains about the cat hair, i can understand that somewhat but he wants me to get rid of them and i wont. when i tell him to leave things alone that i'll do them, i.e. dishes, cleaning, etc. he says "yeah when"? i am so tired of this attitude of his that i feel like kicking him out. he is also so moody lately, i don't know if something else is going on with him that i don't know about. he is a very private person and keeps business seperate from home, he don't share anything with me unless i directly ask. he don't tell me what goes on with his family, well sometimes he does, then when something comes up and maybe i hear him talking about it on the phone, when he hangs up and i ask him what is going on, he says, "i told you already" when in fact he hasn't told me nothing, he says, he did but i don't remember. i don't want to leave him, i'd miss him and i really love him alot, he treats me good other then his moodiness and bitching about my housekeeping. i am not a slob. i have never had complaints of housekeeping or anyone else say anything about the way i keep house. it is not dirty, it's just small and may look worse then it is. i clean when i feel like it or if "i" think it is so bad i can't stand it, but if he wants to clean it cause he cant stand it, why should i feel guilty? but he makes me feel so incompetent and dirty and useless and like i can't do anything right. what can i do? should i just let him do it when he wants? i told him before that he don't have to it, he says if i don't it will never get done, and that is so not true. help.

[Tony T]

I can unconditionally guarantee you that he is acting exactly like his father acted toward his mother. He has an anxiety problem and control issues he inherited from his daddy...check it out!!! I can also tell you he was treated that way by his parents, who were constantly on his back to take care of chores. I wouldn't be surprised if you find he was severely emotionally and/or physically abused as a child.

 

When you grow up in a chaotic atmosphere, it's very difficult to just calm down and sit back in adulthood.

 

There isn't much you will do to change this man in a major way except to complete the household chores in a timely fashion. He doesn't seem like the type of person you can sit down and reason with too well.

 

I also want you to know that the reason we love people is because of the way they make us feel when we are around them. There is simply no way you can continue to love someone who continually demeans you, makes you feel incompetent, and who keeps you on edge. The love will disappear in no time if it hasn't already and you don't realize it.

 

You might try talking to him and finding out if there is a compromise here...but I'm afraid you'll either have to put up with his stuff, give him an ultimatum or leave. I don't get the feeling you want to leave.

 

My heart goes out to you.