colm Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 can someone help me with this? i'm at a lost. without being honest, you won't be able to acurately understand. fact is, given the truth, you probably won't understand. here goes... i have a girlfriend that the relationship is dying. it will end. problem is, before it ended, i found someone new. it's important to know that the first is not ending cause of the second. this new one, she's amazing. i like her more than you would believe. here's where my problems begin. i see the new one and i 'in' a relationship. it has begun and it's great! she on the other hand, doesn't think we're 'in' anything yet seeing as i haven't stopped the first relationship. as a result, she's recently slept with another guy. she told me and i didn't take it too well. still, i'm not. she's told this guy goodbye. i can't get past it. i want to make this work and need some help. please, don't lecture me on the first...it's the second that i'm here for. thanks. anyone? anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 New-Girl had every right to sleep with whoever she wanted to, as you're not really available to be in a relationship with her, because you're already in one. I'm actually quite surprised she's even giving you the time of day......most women wouldn't touch a guy who's already in a relationship, with a ten foot pole? What for? There's tons of nice SINGLE guys out there. You have no right to be angry with New-girl to have hooked up with someone.......she's not yours and until you end it with the girlfriend, why should she invest all her eggs in your basket? Just out of curiosity, why cheat on your girlfriend? If the relationship is going nowhere and will end soon, why not just pull the plug now, out of respect to her and the new girl......? It's ironic, really, you're cheating on someone, yet having a problem with someone who's not even your girfriend, allegedly cheating on you. That's pretty mixed up, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Author colm Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 yes...yes it is pretty messed up...and i'm well aware of the irony. it's difficult to explain and really don't want to get into it if you don't mind. i know that New-girl didn't cheat...problem is...it feels like she did in my stomach. as for Old-girl, we've just hit a point where we both want different things and the breakup has been rather slow. it's begun, we've talked about it. perhaps not clearly enough to execute it. i'm not proud of it all. New-girl just makes me happy like i've not been in a very long time. truth is, i don't remember being as happy as i am when i'm with her. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Originally posted by colm can someone help me with this? i'm at a lost. without being honest, you won't be able to acurately understand. fact is, given the truth, you probably won't understand. here goes... i have a girlfriend that the relationship is dying. it will end. problem is, before it ended, i found someone new. it's important to know that the first is not ending cause of the second. this new one, she's amazing. i like her more than you would believe. here's where my problems begin. i see the new one and i 'in' a relationship. it has begun and it's great! she on the other hand, doesn't think we're 'in' anything yet seeing as i haven't stopped the first relationship. as a result, she's recently slept with another guy. she told me and i didn't take it too well. still, i'm not. she's told this guy goodbye. i can't get past it. i want to make this work and need some help. please, don't lecture me on the first...it's the second that i'm here for. thanks. anyone? anyone? forgive me, clarity is a vice with me sometimes. let's sort this out. 1. you are in a bad relationship with a party we will label B. you are A. 2. you have a crush on a new girl. let's call her C. 3. this new girl is interested in a fourth party; we'll call him D. now, here is the bravest and best solution; listen up: 1. grow a set. 2. break up with girl B. this is hard, i know, but do the right thing. you're a man, not a mouse, not a coward. 3. wait a little time, get to know yourself again. two weeks is respectful, one week is realistic. 4. start slowly courting girl C. she may be seeing boy D, so either hang on or move on. no matter what, relationship one is not functional, and you can either make things better or make them awful. be. a. man. break up cleanly and with integrity. don't hurt B, and don't disrespect C. be true to A. this is not a lecture. i'm trying to give you straightforward and clear advice. i think you are probably a good guy who does not want to hurt B. i'm telling you that the real good guy thing to do would be to face your fear of confrontation and step up. Link to post Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 sounds like you what to have your cake and eat it too. i think you're being selfish on top of being a totally a**h*** for using bother girls and cheating. and i dont understand why girl #2 would think that you wouldnt cheat on her when you get tired of her like you're doing to girl #1. have you no respect for yourself and both females involved. it also brings up the question of what's girls #2 morals are if she knows you're in a relationship and still messing with you. has she no respect for her self or another female. in adddition to that, what makes you think that she wouldnt be messing with another guy when she is with you, creating your present situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Ok, first of all, EXECUTE. If you want this new girl and she makes you happy, don't just talk about breaking things off with the OLD girl. Just do it. I don't know why people drag things like that out. I know it's hard, but take care of it. Otherwise, if you wait around too long, new girl might be history. As for New girl, if you really want to make this work, you are really going to have to just get over it, as harsh as that sounds. New girl was not obligated to be faithful to you, as you were not faithful to her. You can't expect what you don't give. If your stomach is telling you what she did was cheating, then what you do is cheating also. My advice is to go to old girl, break it off, and then tell new girl you would like to be exclusive. Quickly. =) Link to post Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 one thing that might always plague you and your relationship, is TRUST or rather mistrust. how do you know that either one of you can trust the other at any point? this can come back to bite you in the arse. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 hold on. i think our poster is on the cusp of doing the right thing or the wrong thing. its seem exigent to me to let him know he's a good guy; now it's time to do the right thing. i think the poster is youngish, we all have to make choices like this. it's hard out there. i hope, and i sort of predict, that this guy can muster his courage to the sticking place. he knows it's wrong to play two chicks, and seeks advice. more than anything he does not want to hurt anyone while not denying himself any pleasure. there are ways to do that that have integrity; he may not have thought of them. let us know what happens, babe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author colm Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 thanks jenny, you're right about not wanting to hurt B. she's great. we just don't want the same things anymore. i appreciate your candidness. it's been heard and registered. fact is, that's the route i'm about to take. don't think it's possible NOT to hurt B but i owe it to her to be fair to both of us. any advise on 'dealing with the feeling of being cheated on'? i know i know, she didn't cheat...i'm aware of that. all i've said is if FEELS like she did. she's not interested in D anylonger. it was a fling. her and i have known eachother for a very long time...more than 7 years as friends. we've been 'seeing' eachother for about 4 1/2 months. my feeling towards her is we're 'in' something. she claims that she slept with this guy cause she didn't feel we were 'in' something. everyone i tell this to keeps saying GET OVER IT...SHE DIDN'T CHEAT. fine, easy to say. NOT EASY TO DO PEOPLE!!! THAT'S WHY I'M HERE!!!! HELLO, IS THIS THING ON? thanks to both of you for replying so far. i appreciate the feedback from the 'outside'. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Agreed with jenny. Colm does not seem like an a-hole. Making a stupid decision not to break off a dying relationship with a wee bit of haste does not make one a jerk. We all make mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 you owe it to all parties to be fair not just two parties esp if there is a friendship behind it all and if you want to keep that over 7 yrs of friendship. it seems that our boy here knows that he's doing wrong yet he continues to. he knows what he needs to do but he doesnt want to let go of girl #1 b/c he wants for the lack of a better word a "comfort blankie" but he also wants to have the perks of a b/f. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Try digging into whatever is truly bothering you about C's fling with D. Is it on this list: * She is not selective, so it does not mean much if she chooses me * She has given him something I want and cannot yet have * I keep thinking of him on top of her, and this thought bothers me * He is a threat ?? And then deal with that thought. And by the way, even though your breakup will cause some pain, it will be the "clean" kind. Don't ever delay a breakup JUST to spare someone. And BTW, you are not the first person in history to have a new SO in your sights before you've cut it off with the old. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 I know getting over it isn't easy, but that's kind of what you have to do. Your situation is eerily similar to one I've been in. We were supposedly non-exclusive. He hadn't cut off his old relationship, and I had someone also. However, when I slept with this someone, he was pretty pissed off. It was a bit perplexing to me in light of the fact that he was seeing someone else. I understand how you feel. It sounds like you really like this girl and so imagining her with someone else is probably pretty difficult. However, that's just the way the circumstances are. Until they change, you gotta get a cap on that jealousy because she is not obligated to anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 o! i see something i missed before. ok, the feeling of being cheated on. at this point in your relationship with C; your emotional reality was quite different than hers. you were feeling different things, and that made you vulnerable and, i think, insecure. let's suss it out. tell me more - did you feel that she should have maintained chastity to you? as in: your friendship and regard for her should have trumped a desire for a meaningless tromp with insert D dude? i won't disregard these feelings, i promise, i just need a clearer picture of what the problem is here. so, explain why you feel betrayed more - with details - that will totally help - we should be here to listen without undue judgement. cheers, sweetie - Link to post Share on other sites
Author colm Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 Hiddenpiglet, thank you first of all for replying. I don’t want my cake and eat it too. I want to be happy. Fine, my timing is awful, I am well aware of that. Truth is, I plan to end it with Old-girl and really want to make a go of it with New-girl. I’m here for some help to make that happen. I know the answers for Old-girl. What about New-girl? Girlie, thank you as well for responding. I love the line ‘you can’t expect what you don’t give’. Mind if I use that some time? It’s a time tested question that has plagued humankind for eons…why do we drag it out…? Don’t know, but we do. At least, I seem to. I like the ‘telling New-girl about wanting to be exclusive’. Thank you for that too. SoleMate, thanks to you too. YES, YES, YES and YES. How to deal? Talk to her about it? that kinda stirs it up when I do that but I think she needs to be involved. For both our sakes, she needs to know who I am and how this hurts. I need to know that she wants to know. Truth is ladies, I plan to do all that you say. What I don’t plan to do is figure out on my own is how to deal with the way my head/heart interprets it all. not that i don't want to, i just haven't managed to... just curios Girlie, in your case, was your guy sleeping with his girl when he got upset at you for doing it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author colm Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 Thanks for replying again Jenny. Vulnerable is a great word. That’s where I was alright. Problem is, I never thought she wasn’t there, putting her neck on the line with me. I do feel she should have maintained chastity I guess. It’s not like we just met. I guess I’m a little nervous now cause I thought I knew her. At least, I never pegged her as the type to have a meaningless fling…not after we started! If we’re starting something, surely women all around the world don’t think that sleeping with another guy is going to ‘help’ matters? Don’t worry all, I am not forgetting that Old-girl exists…I know, I know. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Originally posted by colm everyone i tell this to keeps saying GET OVER IT...SHE DIDN'T CHEAT. fine, easy to say. NOT EASY TO DO PEOPLE!!! THAT'S WHY I'M HERE!!!! HELLO, IS THIS THING ON? Okay, so it's not easy. You feel what you feel, whether it's logical or not. So what can WE do to help you change how you feel? Answer: nothing. It's something you have to work through on your own, I'm afraid. There's nothing we strangers on the internet can say or write that will change/take away, what you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author colm Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 thanks ladies, this feels better to talk about it finally. even if i'm being reammed out by hiddenpiglet. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 my interest is in the resolution of the problem at hand. it is more expedient to do this with non-judgmental and non-prejudicial language. i believe humans are basically reasonable creatures - i know i respond best to reason when i am doing something that has hurt another human being. colm demonstrably responds to appeals to reason; he is a reasonable person in a difficult situation which he seeks to correct. how do you feel name calling assists in your purpose? i do respect your right to name-call, 'guest'; it's free speech after all; but it is neither productive nor condusive in actually assisting girl B. Link to post Share on other sites
vivid Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Oh good I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this guys got a skewed perspective on things. I thought the advice he gave me on the family board was a little off. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 You're right, Jenny, I am exercising my right to free speech. As far as I'm concerned, mollycoddling him serves no purpose at all in helping his girlfriend. This is a guy who came on this forum because he was upset that the woman he's been seeing behind his girlfriend's back slept with some guy. He went to his friends seeking their advice on how he was to feel about his sidedish's sexual foray onto another man's plate. Nowhere has he mentioned the slightest bit of concern or respect for his girlfriend, her feelings or the relationship they've shared. He's not worried or ashamed about his infidelitous ways. He's more worried about he's going to permanently bag his sidedish before finishing up with his girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 we're on the same side here, in terms of the end we hope to achieve. let's work together: you take shame, and i'll take reason. there is no reason for us to bicker, objectively. the most important thing is to prompt him to be straight with girl B before he moves on. i am hoping his feelings of betrayal with girl C might help him be empathetic towards girl B's probable similar feelings. hopefully a poster will come along with an approach that works. i don't care if it's not me; i'm not at stake here. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 I was not bickering with you. You asked how my response was helpful in assisting his girlfriend and I merely answered. Link to post Share on other sites
Author colm Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 well, don't know what to say now. sorry i've created a heated debate. i thought i could come here and ask for perspective on things. i felt it necessary to be truthful here to get useful feedback to a real situation. i am not proud of my situation. if i were, do you think i'd be here asking this crap? everyone is entitled to their opinion. some hate me, some sympathize, some don't care but are being mature and helpful. all in all, this has been more of a positive than a negative experience for me. sorry if i infuriate...i'm trying to fix that. anyone ever watch a soap opera. ever tell someone how 'real' it is and 'believable'? then, when you tell them the current plot, and say it out loud, it sounds so rediculous? my situation is real...sounds clearly aweful when you break it down, and it is bad, but to live it doesn't appear so black and white. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Colm, my apologies for the low blows a few posters have thrown. I'm glad to see you're able to let them slip past. How to deal? Well, most of the problems aren't going to be made better by talking them out with girl C. Why? Because as you know, you don't really have a leg to stand on as far as having reasonable objections to her behavior. I believe your feelings are real and troubling, and you need to handle them internally. I recommend clearing the decks by breaking up with girl B. You may find things less troubling when you only have one girl to think about. Also, I'm curious...why did C tell you about her escapades? I find her fling more forgivable than her lack of discretion. What was her purpose in telling you? Did she describe it as a meaningless coupling, a fun way to spend the evening, a mistake, a mindblowing thrill, or a meaningful connection? Did she give you details of what happened, or what was in her mind? How did you react? Did she seem to be looking for a reaction? And last but not least...if you ever have sex with C, will she tell the world? I'd want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
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