5 yr relationship trouble

[Alobar]

My girlfriend of roughly 5 years and I have been having a lot of problems lately. She feels distant and irritated with me, like a different person.

 

To be honest I'm not even sure how to begin. I've been thinking about posting here for help for some time but couldn't think of how to say it.

 

For the first 4 years or so of our relationship, we were absolute best friends, lovers, and just very close in general. About a year and a half ago we both moved states (I followed her) to 1000 miles away for school. I left my family and friends behind and was ok with that because we were going to be together and we always supported each other.

 

A few months ago we began to fight quite a bit. She said that the fighting is taking it's toll on her and that she feels very different now. I made an active effort to just get along (which wasn't all that hard) and I expected things to get better. I talked to her last night and she said that she recognized that she loved me, but didn't feel it right now. Shes been spending a lot of time doing things on her own and getting very irritated with me whenever im around.

 

I've never been a terribly emotional guy, but this has got me down so much. I feel so lonely and neglected and abandoned. We havnt broken up (yet), but she keeps saying things like "oh well we can keep that so if we break up you can take it back home". This is all such a wild change because she and I were so inseparable just a few months ago. We aren't having sex, kissing, cuddling and she won't even approach me for a hug. I feel like she is so checked out and I don't know how to handle it.

 

I asked her if she WANTED to break up and she very plainly told me "no", but she wasn't very happy right now. I've tried leaving her alone and giving her space, but I feel like when I do that too much, she just drifts farther away. Conversely, every time I try to do something with her I feel like she pulls away. I don't consider myself clingy, but am I asking so damn much to want to spend time with my girlfriend once in a while?

 

I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to or any friends to rely on. I can't talk about this with anyone but her and every time I do I just make things worse.

 

I really appreciate any responses to this. I've just been bottling up my feelings until I'm ready to crack. This is affecting my school, work and personal life so much that I'm just lethargic 90% of the time. Thanks.

[LiveWell]

It sounds like it may be time for you to accept the fact that she has already moved on.

[Don Ho]

I asked her if she WANTED to break up and she very plainly told me "no", but she wasn't very happy right now. I've tried leaving her alone and giving her space, but I feel like when I do that too much, she just drifts farther away. Conversely, every time I try to do something with her I feel like she pulls away. I don't consider myself clingy, but am I asking so damn much to want to spend time with my girlfriend once in a while?

You want advice you won't want to hear? I am assuming you live together. If so, you're really stuck with little chance of changing your relationship. That means you have to do a 180. This take BIG balls, but it's your best shot if you do it. Get your own local place today or move in with a friend. Move your stuff when she's at school or away. Let her come home to an empty place and call you to find out what's happening. When she contacts you, just tell her "I'm not sure what I want anymore, so I thought it was best that we spend some time apart so I can figure out what I want". Then let her contact and chase you. Hold back. Get some new friends, hobby, exercise and get really busy. You have to be DESIRABLE and right now you're not. She might just let you go too. If so, it was going to happen anyway and it will be WAY better for you to make a pre-emptive move and do it on your terms. If she doesn't chase you, LET HER GO and DO NOT chase her. Sorry, then it's not meant to be. That's my advice Bro if you want a chance at salvaging your relationship.

Edited October 23, 2010 by Don Ho

[Alobar]

You want advice you won't want to hear? I am assuming you live together. If so, you're really stuck with little chance of changing your relationship. That means you have to do a 180. This take BIG balls, but it's your best shot if you do it. Get your own local place today or move in with a friend. Move your stuff when she's at school or away. Let her come home to an empty place and call you to find out what's happening. When she contacts you, just tell her "I'm not sure what I want anymore, so I thought it was best that we spend some time apart so I can figure out what I want". Then let her contact and chase you. Hold back. Get some new friends, hobby, exercise and get really busy. You have to be DESIRABLE and right now you're not. She might just let you go too. If so, it was going to happen anyway and it will be WAY better for you to make a pre-emptive move and do it on your terms. If she doesn't chase you, LET HER GO and DO NOT chase her. Sorry, then it's not meant to be. That's my advice Bro if you want a chance at salvaging your relationship.

 

Alright a response from the fabled Don Ho.

 

I agree completely with you. I have been trying to not push her or chase or anything like that (actually based on several responses you posted that were spot on), but the living situation is pretty inflexible at the moment. I don't really have friends down here yet (especially not the ones I can call and go "hey bro I'm movin' in!" and I for sure can't afford a place on my own (I've looked). My choices are staying here or moving home (1000 miles away) which is pretty definite. Both require a pretty concrete decision, and that is a lot of what is frustrating me. I have few "outs" and we're on top of each other all the time.

 

As far as doing my own thing, I've been hitting the gym hard these past few months and I actually look the best I ever have. She's even admitted she's been very physically attracted to me, but since she doesn't feel close emotionally, she doesn't desire sex.

 

Despite what my initial post may have come across as, I really do think very similarly to you, Don. I think if I move out or something similar and she's totally cool with that, she was going to make it happen anyway. The part I'm confused about right now is how to proceed. I can't really just pull up stake and leave (school, reason I already stated, etc.) so I'm kinda forced to be here until a decision is made by either one of us. It's kind of like limbo-land right now where I have to just twiddle my thumbs.

 

Any suggestions?

[thatsonlyme]

You want advice you won't want to hear? I am assuming you live together. If so, you're really stuck with little chance of changing your relationship. That means you have to do a 180. This take BIG balls, but it's your best shot if you do it. Get your own local place today or move in with a friend. Move your stuff when she's at school or away. Let her come home to an empty place and call you to find out what's happening. When she contacts you, just tell her "I'm not sure what I want anymore, so I thought it was best that we spend some time apart so I can figure out what I want". Then let her contact and chase you. Hold back. Get some new friends, hobby, exercise and get really busy. You have to be DESIRABLE and right now you're not. She might just let you go too. If so, it was going to happen anyway and it will be WAY better for you to make a pre-emptive move and do it on your terms. If she doesn't chase you, LET HER GO and DO NOT chase her. Sorry, then it's not meant to be. That's my advice Bro if you want a chance at salvaging your relationship.

 

This is what I wish I'd done with my ex. Unfortunately, I was too blindsided and ignored all the red flags. She behaved almost exactly the way you described in the 5th year of our relationship, she just never told me anything. It seems like your girl is trying to prepare you for a break up. Mine just confronted me one day and the very same day she was with another guy.

watch the movie science of sex appeal, it explains why relationships fail around 4th year, when all love hormones wear off, people ready to commit stay together. others just leave.

Sorry to say man, but you've already lost her. Don ho's advice makes a lot of sense, there is nothing really you can lose.

 

Good luck man.

[Don Ho]

There is no where you can move or move in with? Is there no dorm or something affordable? Homeless shelter? LOL. I would still try to work on this. Other than that, be gone as much as possible. Go out, stay out late, find some other women to hang out with, minimize contact as much as possible. Do not answer her directly as to why you're gone. Good that she says that she's physically attracted to you, that helps. Do not initiate sex with her or make advances. Be as cordial and light hearted as possible. You have to pull way, way back emotionally and physically. "Act" like you're moving on. If she does break up with you, at least you'll be in a better position.

[Alobar]

That's really excellent advice. For housing, it's possible for me to find a place (maybe), but I really think leaving her to pay the full rent here would just piss her off. If I continue to pay my half AND for a new place, I'm borked financially.

 

She really IS the kind of girl who wants what she can't have and she KNOWS she can have me. I really do need to be less available to her, but I'm trying to do so in a way that's not being a jerk. Going out with friends, etc would be fine because, hell, if you don't want me to hang around, why not? But we do share a car (my car) and other things of that nature, so if I was like "sorry can't drive you to X as we planned cause I'm busy/don't feel like it/etc., I think it would just make the situation worse. But I can't really be aloof when I'm bussing her around and making sure all her **** gets done, right?

[strength-abounds]

Listen to Don Ho. He hit the nail on the head yet again.

[Hhhh]

This is tough it's like kill or be killed, I guess Don Ho is right you got to get the upper hand before she does because when women make a decision it's pretty much over but if we end it prematurely it throws them off

 

Check out this quote

 

"Everybody's got a plan until they get hit in the mouth"

[Alobar]

I'm really liking the though process here. I really don't want to sit around and wait for her to get comfortable with breaking up. She would for sure be thrown off if I did something first. But how do I really go about that? Assume we are living together (it's just too big of a variable for me to give a definite answer to right now) so how do I go about this? Just leave her the hell alone until she wants to do stuff? Leave her the hell alone period?

 

Sorry some of this may be obvious to you guys but I'm kinda lost. I appreciate all this though!

[thatsonlyme]

You definitely have upper hand if you pull it off first. You have nothing to lose at this point.

Last week I met with my ex, we had some good time together, she really wants to be friends and she was under impression that we are really good friends now. at the end of the night I talked to her, explained her that I can't be her friend and after we're done with our unfinished business I don't want to talk to her or see her anymore. She's bad when it comes to showing her feelings, but she was thrown off, I could tell she was hurt, she didn't see it coming. She said softly as she was leaving, I'll txt you, I'll keep you updated even though you don't want to hear from me anymore. She hugged me.

she even tolerated all the mean things I told her, she tried to avoid arguments. I told her I don't want to be friends with drug addict (hoping it's gonna make her think and stop doing that s**t). I told her she's selfish and egocentric and much more. She's not in love anymore, but she still cares.

[Woggle]

Maybe it is time to dump her before she dumps you. The writing is on the wall.

[Don Ho]

There is no where you can move or move in with? Is there no dorm or something affordable? Homeless shelter? LOL. I would still try to work on this. Other than that, be gone as much as possible. Go out, stay out late, find some other women to hang out with, minimize contact as much as possible. Do not answer her directly as to why you're gone. Good that she says that she's physically attracted to you, that helps. Do not initiate sex with her or make advances. Be as cordial and light hearted as possible. You have to pull way, way back emotionally and physically. "Act" like you're moving on. If she does break up with you, at least you'll be in a better position.

Bro, do you not read WTF I write and get it? If not, then there's no point in me spending my time thinking about a response and writing it. Now go read what I wrote ten times.

[shayan]

good job thatsonlyme.

[yoga18]

What Don said.....so true plz go move on make a brand new life for yourself, who knows when she comes crawling back you may see her in a whole new light and not even want her! Hard advice, gutsy, a freaking crazy move.....? YES but in the end you win...if she comes back u decide if she is worth it, she stays away for good you in the process made yourself a better man for the right woman!

[dreamingoftigers]

Just randomly moving out is pretty stupid. I can't imagine something that would make things even worse than this.

 

Women are verbal connectors and relationships aren't competitions. What is all of this "you have the upper hand" type of crap?

 

Have you thought of asking what you could do to improve your relationship? Have you thought of telling her anything that you put in the first post?

 

Or are you trying to get her to dump your ass? Because if she comes home to an empty apartment with no warning, that is exactly what she would have to do to give herself some dignity back.

 

Why do the guys here seem to bring a bazooka to a game of checkers?

 

I have read that it is hard for guys to actually talk about relationships and feelings, but really, is running away to your friend's place going to do anything except make you look like you are running away? She'll just

think, "Are you kidding me, after five years this guy won't talk to me about this bothering him or give me any warning, what a loser, glad he moved."

 

Women try to problem-solve things with their mates, even after their mates have affairs (in general).

 

Maybe you should be asking women for advice on how to deal with a woman. The 180 thing can work quite well if you are in-home as well.

 

If you want to grab some balls, say straight up, you want a connection and you want one with her and if she doesn't want to connect with you, you want out.

 

If she doesn't chase you after you move out that doesn't mean it wasn't meant to be. It means she has more dignity then to beg back someone who makes it clearly look like they don't want to be in the relationship anymore unless she comes begging. I would be more worried about her if she came and begged.

 

If you want to torch what is left of your relationship, don't talk to her, don't try to make things right and just move while she is away.

[Don Ho]

Just randomly moving out is pretty stupid. I can't imagine something that would make things even worse than this.

 

Women are verbal connectors and relationships aren't competitions. What is all of this "you have the upper hand" type of crap?

 

Maybe you should be asking women for advice on how to deal with a woman

 

Have you thought of asking what you could do to improve your relationship? Have you thought of telling her anything that you put in the first post?

 

Oh Geez. I knew someone would give advice like this. Spoken like a true woman (with a baby on her lap). Maybe a woman AND a therapist in one!

 

Yes Bro, ask how she's "feeling" about you and the relationship and how you can make her happy. You'll be so happy with the result.

Edited October 25, 2010 by Don Ho

[Alobar]

I think that you both have a point. I very much doubt I will move out now simply for monetary reasons, but I have this mixture of feelings that you both express. I HAVE tried talking to her about it, with very "meh" results. But she also has longstanding trust issues (a lot of childhood abuse) so I do think straight up leaving would make her feel like I'm abandoning her, thus making her not WANT to be with me.

 

Remember, the goal here is not to break up. I just really hate how I can't think of a middle ground between "distant and uncaring" and "chasing after her relentlessly". Admittedly I have not been chasing her lately, which is good, but stuff is still bad.

 

I think people have the tendency to jump to "leave and start a new life" when that is ridiculously hard, especially in my situation. Currently I have school, a job and a lease that I cannot break in a state where she is my only actual reliable contact. If I just leave, I would either have to go home or keep living here, just broken up. That's such a massive commitment for something that may be fixable in the first place. I've been leaving her alone and staying pretty distant for the most part, but I feel like we're slipping back to just being polite without any connection.

 

Sorry if I sound contradictory.

[Don Ho]

Given her past, abandoning her might trigger her interest in you. But that doesn't really sound like what you want to do. IMO, you're on a sinking ship Bro. Regardless, I think the best you can do is be gone as much a possible, out with friends and so on. I wouldn't bring up the relationship or try to "talk" about it. TRY to be a little more upbeat when you're around her. I'm sure you're sulking inside and that will make her feel more pressured. See if backing off make her initiate any contact with you. If it doesn't that's probably a bad sign. You better also seriously look for a Plan B for living arrangements in case this really goes South.

[Alobar]

For sure, man. If I think about it too much I DO skulk around which helps nothing. Ill try to be just as upbeat and fine as possible around her and see what happens. I've been doing it for a few days and she's asked me to watch a movie with her and to record some songs with her. Small steps but it's something.

 

I'm also keeping my eye out for apartment deals just in case things go sour.

 

I'll keep you updated.

[Don Ho]

Good job Bro. Now, CONTINUE keeping your distance!! Do not just think it will just fall back in place. It won't last if you do. If she's responding (and she seems to be) then KEEP doing it, do not go back to your old ways. You want her wanting you and chasing you.

 

Also, you need to "re-invent" yourself a little bit. Do not turn into a pussy either just because she's responding!! If she was to have sex, tell her your tired! You have to change how you act and mix her up as well as not be around or available as much. Continue working on a Plan B, look for room shares too.

[Alobar]

Sorry to say that I pussed out tonight. She told me this morning she wanted to watch a movie tonight so I remind her at like 9 that it's getting kind of late and we should watch soon. Shes on aim talking to her friends and playing games with them and tells me "another hour?". I get irritated and she totally can tell but I leave the room and go to my computer to stay busy. An hour later she not only hasn't said a word but appears to have forgotten all about the movie with me. So I IM her and say "so...are we watching this or what?" and she tells me she's busy talking to a bunch of guy friends (which pisses me off) and playing a game. So I show more signs of irritation (puss-mistake) and soon tell her I'm just going to bed in kind of a snippy way.

 

Like two ****in hours later she gets off the computer and comes to bed and asks me what's wrong. I get pissed (mistake) and tell her that she snubbed me all damn night in favor of talking to some guys. She kind of gives me a sigh and tells me she didn't think it was that big of a deal. Now I'd like to clarify here, watching a movie isn't a big deal, but I'm sitting around like a jackass waiting for her while she does something she finds more entertaining. Now by this point I know I've bitched-up already and can't seem to help the flow of words. I keep bitching and it starts a fight.

 

So really, I should have just said nothing and expressed no desire to do anything with her, movie or otherwise. It's just tough feeling so pent up that it kind of released itself poorly.

 

Maybe next time I'll just make an angry post here.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry to say that I pussed out tonight. She told me this morning she wanted to watch a movie tonight so I remind her at like 9 that it's getting kind of late and we should watch soon. Shes on aim talking to her friends and playing games with them and tells me "another hour?". I get irritated and she totally can tell but I leave the room and go to my computer to stay busy. An hour later she not only hasn't said a word but appears to have forgotten all about the movie with me. So I IM her and say "so...are we watching this or what?" and she tells me she's busy talking to a bunch of guy friends (which pisses me off) and playing a game. So I show more signs of irritation (puss-mistake) and soon tell her I'm just going to bed in kind of a snippy way.

 

Like two ****in hours later she gets off the computer and comes to bed and asks me what's wrong. I get pissed (mistake) and tell her that she snubbed me all damn night in favor of talking to some guys. She kind of gives me a sigh and tells me she didn't think it was that big of a deal. Now I'd like to clarify here, watching a movie isn't a big deal, but I'm sitting around like a jackass waiting for her while she does something she finds more entertaining. Now by this point I know I've bitched-up already and can't seem to help the flow of words. I keep bitching and it starts a fight.

 

So really, I should have just said nothing and expressed no desire to do anything with her, movie or otherwise. It's just tough feeling so pent up that it kind of released itself poorly.

 

Maybe next time I'll just make an angry post here.

 

Better strategy probably.

[nineyearsgone79]

i agree.. she sounds pretty self absorbed

[Don Ho]

Well Bro, your actions showed her you care, which is not what you want. The idea was to show that you don't care (or at least TRY to show that). When she didn't contact you about the movie, you should not have contacted her. Wuss move. You should not have waited around. Wuss Move. You should have just gone out with your friends or something at 6pm if you hadn't heard from her not stayed. Wuss move.

 

I would not have contacted her. Now she basically knows you want her and she can "have you" whenever she wants. That's not the position you want to be in. Now remember, women ALWAYS test men. She was testing you to see if she still had control, had you wanting her and if she could just do what ever she wanted. Yes, you failed the test. Ok. Get back on the horse in the a.m. and get back to the program.