What would you do if you found out BW had told xMM lies about you?

[hopeless4u]

I have to make this quick as I am about to go out but will pick it up when I get in.

 

I found out yesterday that xMM's BW has told him lies about what I had said to her on the phone the night she took the OD.

 

This explains the angry reaction I got from him.

 

I couldn't get my head around why he was so angry because everything I told her, he knew I would.....

 

Now it all makes sense, he thinks I lied to her about things he had said to me, he thinks I was nasty to her and he thinks I was trying to break up their M because I couldn't have him.....

 

What would you do with this information, I know she had said to him after DDay #1 that she wanted him to hate me.....

[steelknife]

obviously he is taking sides. and why do week keep up with men who couldnt even stand up for us??

[alexandria35]

Well how do know this? Who told you? Because if you didn't hear it straight from her or him then you really don't know what was said between them. It amazes me when people listen to gossip and believe it's 100% true. All this "my coworkers, husbands sisters first husbands third wife told me and I know she would never lie to me" stuff..ha! I remember when I was about eight years old and I had a school teacher who was trying to teach us the error of believing gossip. She has us sit in a row and then got the first student to whisper something to the student next to her. That student passed what was said to the next person and so on it went down the line. It was a valuable lesson, because the first student might have said something like "my cat just had 5 kittens" and it would end up being "mike is fat and I've lost my mittens" Nobody was out and out lying about what they heard, it was just getting changed a little with each retelling.

 

Even if the BW did twist your words to the MM, what can you possibly do about it now? If someone asks you about it specifically then I guess you could tell your side but if nobody is asking you then it is probably best to stay quiet. If you start to stir things up now you will be the one to look bad.

[spice4life]

That's a tough one. I'm not sure what I would do in that situation. I guess I would just hope that he knew me well enough through my actions that I would never say or do anything to interfere with his relationship with her. It's their relationship therefore their business. I would have never done anything to upset their "apple cart" so to speak.

 

If this info came through a third party I wouldn't do anything I suspect. I would only set the record straight with the person that told me. If it came directly from him I would set it straight there too. Then I would ask him, "why didn't you just ask me right away instead of getting angry and assuming she was told you the truth?" Not sure what else you can do in that situation. However, I would be understanding about it. She did try to OD so I'm sure he wasn't really thinking straight due to the circumstances.

Edited October 23, 2010 by spice4life

[pureinheart]

I have to make this quick as I am about to go out but will pick it up when I get in.

 

I found out yesterday that xMM's BW has told him lies about what I had said to her on the phone the night she took the OD.

 

This explains the angry reaction I got from him.

 

I couldn't get my head around why he was so angry because everything I told her, he knew I would.....

 

Now it all makes sense, he thinks I lied to her about things he had said to me, he thinks I was nasty to her and he thinks I was trying to break up their M because I couldn't have him.....

 

What would you do with this information, I know she had said to him after DDay #1 that she wanted him to hate me.....

 

In my case exDM, as far as I know, always believed me. He knew me quite well and knows basically that I am straight forward and knows lying and playing games is not a real big part of my personality (I believe we all play games, lie, and just plain do things that are wrong).

 

When I told him what was happening, he took care of it.

 

H4U, if I were in your shoes, I would consider the source and move on. In this type of situation, I am the one that is quiet, not defending myself...I know what the truth is and that is all that is important to me. If MM doesn't want to believe you then you possibly should consider the source.

 

I have always been believed by others in my lifetime. I will lie to protect another person if there is a VERY good reason.

 

They have a really weird dynamic anyway H4U...you have turned into the middle person. The BW has some serious mental issues and I would stay way away from that.

[jthorne]

And why do you care what she said? She could have said that you are a purple-eyed monster with green teeth and two heads. So what? It doesn't change anything.

 

I'll never understand why OW continue to "check up" on the BS/xAP after d-day. The respectful thing to do is get the heck out of their lives and get on with your own.

[Carrot2000]

What would you do with this information, I know she had said to him after DDay #1 that she wanted him to hate me.....

 

I wouldn't do anything with it...he's EX-MM, after all. It really doesn't matter.

[jennie-jennie]

I would talk to your exMM.

[jj33]

Its probably not the mature thing to do but I would tell him. I would email him and say I understand you have been told I said x. I did not say x. I said y.

 

And leave it at that. I wouldnt call him. I wouldnt call her but I would email him. Just to set the record straight.

 

But if you do that it might make things worse. It might cause more conflict, if shes lying then she will be saying that you are still meddling in their marriage.

[whichwayisup]

But he still is mad you to begin with, fact is, YOU called his wife. THAT is why he's pissed off. Whether or not she lied or exaggerated stuff, doesn't really matter. The A is over and he isn't coming back to you. I'm sure it sucks but imagine how she's been feeling, he was telling YOU lies about her as well, exaggerating and omitting stuff. Part of the affair dynamic that happens sometimes..

 

Leave it alone! Let go and let yourself begin to heal so you can move past this.

[alexandria35]

But he still is mad you to begin with, fact is, YOU called his wife. THAT is why he's pissed off. Whether or not she lied or exaggerated stuff, doesn't really matter. The A is over and he isn't coming back to you. I'm sure it sucks but imagine how she's been feeling, he was telling YOU lies about her as well, exaggerating and omitting stuff. Part of the affair dynamic that happens sometimes..

 

Leave it alone! Let go and let yourself begin to heal so you can move past this.

 

 

I agree with this. I don't know your story, but if you contacted the wife behind the MM's back or against his wishes, or if you told her things that he specifically asked you not to, then this is probably what he is really pissed off about. Contacting him to reopen this will only make it look like you are bored and trying to stir up some drama or get attention.

[fooled once]

I have to make this quick as I am about to go out but will pick it up when I get in.

 

I found out yesterday that xMM's BW has told him lies about what I had said to her on the phone the night she took the OD.

 

This explains the angry reaction I got from him.

 

I couldn't get my head around why he was so angry because everything I told her, he knew I would.....

 

Now it all makes sense, he thinks I lied to her about things he had said to me, he thinks I was nasty to her and he thinks I was trying to break up their M because I couldn't have him.....

 

What would you do with this information, I know she had said to him after DDay #1 that she wanted him to hate me.....

 

Do NOTHING H4U.

 

Stay away from BOTH of them. Who cares what he told her or what she thinks. They are NOT your problem anymore. NO WAY should you break NC to talk to the MM..how dumb is that? Stay away from them; let them stay in their world and you stay in yours.

 

((hug))

[spice4life]

Okay, I just went back and read your story and have altered my opinion. You should do absolutely nothing about this information. Leave it be and move on. If it came from a third party then set the record straight with them and that's it. I wouldn't approach your xMM with an explanation because it would be a moot point. As a matter of fact, he OWES you an apology for blaming you instead of taking responsibilty for his actions.

 

Be thankful you got away from this guy. He's toxic.

[datura_noir]

When I learned about the lies that were told about me as a BS (I cheated, I was a spendaholic, I didn't love him), I so wanted the OW and everyone else to know the truth.

 

But you know what? I don't have access to a time machine to transport me back in order to right the wrongs, and I really don't care anymore. Let them beleive whatever. At some point, you have to let go and move on.

 

I understand the feeling of injustice, but affairs are and always will be a hotbed of omissions, white lies and half-truths. Live in the present. And don't contact him to talk about this recent news. Unless you want to be a living soap opera.

[whichwayisup]

Ever think the exMM is LYING to you about what his wife said? Maybe he's stirring up crap to play a game with you..

Don't react, don't do anything.

 

Need to ask, how did you find out he thought this? Did he tell you, or did you find out in another way?

[datura_noir]

Oh, and I forgot to add:

 

You are free to live an honest life-to find a partner who doesn't manipulate and lie. Know the red flags, and be picky. Don't ever fall for a MM's drivel again. (But I know you won't )

[stillafool]

She probably feels that you didn't care about hurting her by sleeping with her husband and feels she doesn't owe you anything. She probably thinks why shouldn't I tell him whatever I like. I think you would be wise to just move on and not respond to him/them.

[SidLyon]

Well I'll just preface by saying that I haven't told my fWH any lies about the OW.

 

However I would have no qualms whatsoever about telling lies about the OW to my fWH or to anyone else. I wouldn't even care if my H found out later they were lies. I would make sure I didn't break any laws or defame anyone though. This is so totally against my character that it surprises me, but it's how I feel. Haven't ever put it into practice though...

 

My H knows how I feel about the OW and I already know that he would do nothing to defend her against anything I decided to "do" to her (legal of course). He would be passive about it. Pretty well the same way he and she allowed the other to be "passive" about the disrespect to me during the affair.

 

Based on my own feelings and those of my H I would say the OP is best doing nothing in relation to the MM and his BW.

[wheelwright]

And why do you care what she said? She could have said that you are a purple-eyed monster with green teeth and two heads. So what? It doesn't change anything.

 

I'll never understand why OW continue to "check up" on the BS/xAP after d-day. The respectful thing to do is get the heck out of their lives and get on with your own.

 

After closure. Otherwise they are living in a really uncertain world.

 

Sorry, but MM make them think they want to be with them in the future. That's how it is for them.

 

So until closure for OW, closure is only happening for the BS and MP.

 

And the AP was part of it, and has emotions.

 

Anyone who thinks they deserve no closure is at least as bad as a WS.

 

If not more.

[on a learning curve]

After closure. Otherwise they are living in a really uncertain world.

 

Sorry, but MM make them think they want to be with them in the future. That's how it is for them.

 

So until closure for OW, closure is only happening for the BS and MP.

 

And the AP was part of it, and has emotions.

 

Anyone who thinks they deserve no closure is at least as bad as a WS.

 

If not more.

 

I agree.

 

It's as if the OW is a one-dimensional creature with no emotions.

 

In reality, MM invites the OW into his life and intrudes on hers. Yet, the OW is supposed to just "get on with her life" when MM decides he is done.

 

Respect? huh?

[spice4life]

After closure. Otherwise they are living in a really uncertain world.

 

Sorry, but MM make them think they want to be with them in the future. That's how it is for them.

 

So until closure for OW, closure is only happening for the BS and MP.

 

And the AP was part of it, and has emotions.

 

Anyone who thinks they deserve no closure is at least as bad as a WS.

 

If not more.

 

Sure the OW deserves closure, but it doesn't always happen - not even in regular relationship break ups. Closure comes from within you once you allow yourself to begin to heal. It is not something that someone else can give you, it is something you have to give yourself. Holding on and expecting closure after someone is gone is only going to prolong the agony. There comes a point in time where the person has to accept that it is done, allow themselves to heal and let go.

 

Sure everyone deserves closure from the other person, but it is not something that always happens. Many times it doesn't. If it the person gets closure that's great, but if they don't, they still have to find a way to let go and move on...right?

 

I just broke up with someone about a month ago and he wants closure too. I've explained why I was leaving and he still has a ton of questions that I can't answer. I've already told him how I feel and why, so what else am I suppose to do. Closure is up to him now and not me. I've provided the answers as best as I could and now he needs to let go, heal and move on.

[hopeless4u]

Were they outright blatant lies or were they things that could have been misconstrued? I only ask because everyone has different versions of the same story, especially during highly emotional situations. What you regard as lies, she could see as the truth and vice versa.

 

They were outright lies.

[hopeless4u]

And why do you care what she said? She could have said that you are a purple-eyed monster with green teeth and two heads. So what? It doesn't change anything.

 

I'll never understand why OW continue to "check up" on the BS/xAP after d-day. The respectful thing to do is get the heck out of their lives and get on with your own.

 

I didn't 'check up' on them and I am out of their lives.

 

It bothers me when anyone lies about something I said whether to do with the A or any other part of my life.

[hopeless4u]

But he still is mad you to begin with, fact is, YOU called his wife. THAT is why he's pissed off. Whether or not she lied or exaggerated stuff, doesn't really matter. The A is over and he isn't coming back to you. I'm sure it sucks but imagine how she's been feeling, he was telling YOU lies about her as well, exaggerating and omitting stuff. Part of the affair dynamic that happens sometimes..

 

Leave it alone! Let go and let yourself begin to heal so you can move past this.

 

I never phoned BW, she phoned me and I answered her questions honestly.

 

xMM never lied to me about his M or his W and from what his W told me he never bad mouthed me to her either, another reason for her to lie about what I said I guess.

[pureinheart]

When I learned about the lies that were told about me as a BS (I cheated, I was a spendaholic, I didn't love him), I so wanted the OW and everyone else to know the truth.

 

But you know what? I don't have access to a time machine to transport me back in order to right the wrongs, and I really don't care anymore. Let them beleive whatever. At some point, you have to let go and move on.

 

I understand the feeling of injustice, but affairs are and always will be a hotbed of omissions, white lies and half-truths. Live in the present. And don't contact him to talk about this recent news. Unless you want to be a living soap opera.

 

I know exactly how you feel, I was lied about by my ex's...stupid lies as a matter of fact, only for the purpose of throwing blame off of them, or some other ridiculous reason...it was enough for me to know the truth...oh also bullies in my lifetime...so stupid and crazy IMO....

 

FTR, I had zero respect afterwards for the people that rallied against me and believed them. People like that cannot be trusted ever.