What would you do if you found out BW had told xMM lies about you?

[hopeless4u]

I agree with this. I don't know your story, but if you contacted the wife behind the MM's back or against his wishes, or if you told her things that he specifically asked you not to, then this is probably what he is really pissed off about. Contacting him to reopen this will only make it look like you are bored and trying to stir up some drama or get attention.

 

 

As I said before, she phoned me, xMM knew I would be truthful with her and he also knew there were certain things I wouldn't tell her because he had told me she wouldn't be able to handle them.

 

I have no intention of contacting him, guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

[hopeless4u]

Do NOTHING H4U.

 

Stay away from BOTH of them. Who cares what he told her or what she thinks. They are NOT your problem anymore. NO WAY should you break NC to talk to the MM..how dumb is that? Stay away from them; let them stay in their world and you stay in yours.

 

((hug))

 

No I won't break NC FO, I suspected she had lied as she has done this before and at least I now understand why he reacted the way he did.

 

I have IC tomorrow so I will bash it out of my system and hopefully this will be another part of my healing put to bed:o

 

Thanks for the ((hug))x

[pureinheart]

I agree.

 

It's as if the OW is a one-dimensional creature with no emotions.

 

In reality, MM invites the OW into his life and intrudes on hers. Yet, the OW is supposed to just "get on with her life" when MM decides he is done.

 

Respect? huh?

 

This is extremely thought provoking. Your words shed new light for me...this is exactly what happened in my case...excellent.

[Tsm]

It happend with me, she would call me and ask questions, i would answer them honestly, then she would turn and turn everything i said. But he knew the person i was so he was on my side.

[hopeless4u]

When I learned about the lies that were told about me as a BS (I cheated, I was a spendaholic, I didn't love him), I so wanted the OW and everyone else to know the truth.

 

But you know what? I don't have access to a time machine to transport me back in order to right the wrongs, and I really don't care anymore. Let them beleive whatever. At some point, you have to let go and move on.

 

I understand the feeling of injustice, but affairs are and always will be a hotbed of omissions, white lies and half-truths. Live in the present. And don't contact him to talk about this recent news. Unless you want to be a living soap opera.

 

From what his BW has said to me in the past he has not lied about them to me or me to her. She also said I was the only person who would be honest with her and she respected that.

 

I take ownership of my part in the A and deeply regret the pain I put her through which is why I took her phone calls and tried to do the right things (a little late I know).

 

I guess this just feels like a kick in the teeth, I was honest and she played dirty....

 

I would feel like this about anyone who I found out was telling people I said things that I didn't, not just because it is xMM's BW.

 

No I have no intention of going anywhere near their 'soap opera' of a life:D that I can promise.

[hopeless4u]

Okay, I just went back and read your story and have altered my opinion. You should do absolutely nothing about this information. Leave it be and move on. If it came from a third party then set the record straight with them and that's it. I wouldn't approach your xMM with an explanation because it would be a moot point. As a matter of fact, he OWES you an apology for blaming you instead of taking responsibilty for his actions.

 

Be thankful you got away from this guy. He's toxic.

 

The person it came from knows exactly what was said, that is the reason they told me. None of my friends talk about him anymore but this person knew I suspected his BW had lied to him as she has done it before.

 

You are right 'they' are toxic, not just him. I have come to the conclusion that they like drama and TBH I'm way to tired to start it all over again:sick:

[hopeless4u]

Ever think the exMM is LYING to you about what his wife said? Maybe he's stirring up crap to play a game with you..

Don't react, don't do anything.

 

Need to ask, how did you find out he thought this? Did he tell you, or did you find out in another way?

 

No xMM did not tell me this directly, we have been NC for a long time but he showed up to give me closure(so he said) in August and said I had said things I shouldn't have I asked him 'like what?' and he was just like 'it doesn't matter now' and wouldn't tell me, again another reason I suspected there was more to it and deep down he knows I wouldn't of lied to her.

 

I do know the information is true, I don't want to go into detail of who and how but I know it is true.

[hopeless4u]

Oh, and I forgot to add:

 

You are free to live an honest life-to find a partner who doesn't manipulate and lie. Know the red flags, and be picky. Don't ever fall for a MM's drivel again. (But I know you won't )

 

No I most certainly won't fall for a MM again, lesson well and truly learnt:o

[hopeless4u]

Well I'll just preface by saying that I haven't told my fWH any lies about the OW.

 

However I would have no qualms whatsoever about telling lies about the OW to my fWH or to anyone else. I wouldn't even care if my H found out later they were lies. I would make sure I didn't break any laws or defame anyone though. This is so totally against my character that it surprises me, but it's how I feel. Haven't ever put it into practice though...

 

My H knows how I feel about the OW and I already know that he would do nothing to defend her against anything I decided to "do" to her (legal of course). He would be passive about it. Pretty well the same way he and she allowed the other to be "passive" about the disrespect to me during the affair.

 

Based on my own feelings and those of my H I would say the OP is best doing nothing in relation to the MM and his BW.

 

I don't plan on doing anything about the information but it still annoys me that someone is lying about things I said to make me look nasty.

 

I know part of her problem is that xMM has never bad mouthed me (she told me that), he also told her he could never hate me which is what she wanted(she also told me this).

 

I understand that I should never of been in the position in the first place and I am truly sorry for the pain I caused her but lying about what I said then taking an OD because of it to try to make xMM hate me will come out in the end and then where does that leave her.....

[hopeless4u]

It happend with me, she would call me and ask questions, i would answer them honestly, then she would turn and turn everything i said. But he knew the person i was so he was on my side.

 

I think when xMM sits and thinks about it he also knows I wouldn't say things that wern't true but his BW is very clever at manipulating and has been most of their M.

 

I know it makes no difference now but it still annoys me when I know someone is lying about me when all I was trying to do was the right thing....

[jennie-jennie]

Well I'll just preface by saying that I haven't told my fWH any lies about the OW.

 

However I would have no qualms whatsoever about telling lies about the OW to my fWH or to anyone else. I wouldn't even care if my H found out later they were lies. I would make sure I didn't break any laws or defame anyone though. This is so totally against my character that it surprises me, but it's how I feel. Haven't ever put it into practice though...

 

My H knows how I feel about the OW and I already know that he would do nothing to defend her against anything I decided to "do" to her (legal of course). He would be passive about it. Pretty well the same way he and she allowed the other to be "passive" about the disrespect to me during the affair.

 

Based on my own feelings and those of my H I would say the OP is best doing nothing in relation to the MM and his BW.

 

I don't plan on doing anything about the information but it still annoys me that someone is lying about things I said to make me look nasty.

 

I know part of her problem is that xMM has never bad mouthed me (she told me that), he also told her he could never hate me which is what she wanted(she also told me this).

 

I understand that I should never of been in the position in the first place and I am truly sorry for the pain I caused her but lying about what I said then taking an OD because of it to try to make xMM hate me will come out in the end and then where does that leave her.....

 

This goes to show that an OW should never trust a BS (talking about real life here). An OW should never let what a BS says factor into her decision whether or not to stay with the MM.

[greengoddess]

I don't plan on doing anything about the information but it still annoys me that someone is lying about things I said to make me look nasty.

 

I know part of her problem is that xMM has never bad mouthed me (she told me that), he also told her he could never hate me which is what she wanted(she also told me this).

 

I understand that I should never of been in the position in the first place and I am truly sorry for the pain I caused her but lying about what I said then taking an OD because of it to try to make xMM hate me will come out in the end and then where does that leave her.....

 

think about what you are upset about? you were sleeping with this womans husband. you basically lied to this woman daily by sneaking sound with her husband and helping him lie but you are upset she lied about you. lol. then you are accusing this woman in enough pain and heartache to want to od of doing it for the purpose of making mm hate you. are you kidding me? don't be so vain. I don't think her suicide attempt had anything to do with making you look bad. you did that to yourself by sleeping with a married man.

[jthorne]

Anyone who thinks they deserve no closure is at least as bad as a WS.

 

If not more.

No one is entitled to closure from another person, whether is it an affair, single relationship, or even a marriage. Obviously you don't agree, but even moreso in and affair when someone knowingly boinks a married person. Regardless, closure comes from within. No one else can give another closure. Period.

 

I have to wonder if the insistance that the xMM "owes" the OW is just a way for the OW to hold onto the xMM in her mind. It's either a way of not moving on, or stands in the way of it.

I agree.

 

It's as if the OW is a one-dimensional creature with no emotions.

 

In reality, MM invites the OW into his life and intrudes on hers. Yet, the OW is supposed to just "get on with her life" when MM decides he is done.

 

Respect? huh?

Is this a joke? A MM intrudes on an OW's life? Really? How about the OW that intrudes on another's marriage? Obviously, there was no invitation from the BS! Wow, good blameshifting. As if the OW didn't have the choice to say no to the invitation!

 

think about what you are upset about? you were sleeping with this womans husband. you basically lied to this woman daily by sneaking sound with her husband and helping him lie but you are upset she lied about you. lol. then you are accusing this woman in enough pain and heartache to want to od of doing it for the purpose of making mm hate you. are you kidding me? don't be so vain. I don't think her suicide attempt had anything to do with making you look bad. you did that to yourself by sleeping with a married man.

Totally agree. She should probably be thankful that it wasn't worse. I'm kind of suprised at the arrogance shown in that she is indignant that the BS said anything disparaging of her. If the BS in my situation found out, she could call me anything she liked, true of not. As the betrayed party, that is her right.

 

What's the saying? Karma is a b1tch?

Edited October 24, 2010 by jthorne

[spice4life]

The person it came from knows exactly what was said, that is the reason they told me. None of my friends talk about him anymore but this person knew I suspected his BW had lied to him as she has done it before.

 

You are right 'they' are toxic, not just him. I have come to the conclusion that they like drama and TBH I'm way to tired to start it all over again:sick:

 

Good for you, hopeless4u. Life is tough enough sometimes so why add in extra drama.

 

There is nothing wrong with feeling angry about the lies though. In reality, you have no control over their situation and their relationship; it belongs to them. It sounds like you already know that. But, that doesn't mean your feelings are any less valid. Even though it wasn't the perfect situation, you still have a right to your feelings and the right to heal so you can move on with your life. Being angry is a part of that, so don't sell yourself short. It's perfectly fine to feel angry about it and you're doing the right thing by venting about it here instead of trying to set the record straight with him. It gets it out of your system sans drama...lol.

[stillafool]

And the AP was part of it, and has emotions.

 

Anyone who thinks they deserve no closure is at least as bad as a WS.

 

If not more.

 

What is appropriate in the AP getting closure? How? Should the BS and WS sit down with the AP and have a talk? Is this the kind of closure you are referring to?

[desertIslandCactus]

I think when xMM sits and thinks about it he also knows I wouldn't say things that wern't true but his BW is very clever at manipulating and has been most of their M.

 

I know it makes no difference now but it still annoys me when I know someone is lying about me when all I was trying to do was the right thing....

 

I'm so sorry that I disagree with most here.

 

I hate lies between two people - no matter how much you Need to have him Out of your life.

 

If this misconception is eating away at you - I think all you can do is to put it in Writing.. (email or whatever form that only He would read).. Documenting that you were informed of a lie that supposedly came from you, and the lie itself, and what you actually did tell the wife. It's logical that you would want to know also, if he received your communication.

 

So if he responds (so you'll know of acknowledgement).. Then you could inform once again of the importance of further NC, and that you only needed to clear the air - and from misconceptions.

 

It's up to you if you wish to let sleeping dogs lie - or to open it up temporarily to clear the slate.

[hopeless4u]

What is appropriate in the AP getting closure? How? Should the BS and WS sit down with the AP and have a talk? Is this the kind of closure you are referring to?

 

This would be a very interesting conversation, I would certainly be up for it as I think I would be the only person of the 3 of us who could actually say I never lied to anyone, everything I said I would say again in front of both of them.

[hopeless4u]

Good for you, hopeless4u. Life is tough enough sometimes so why add in extra drama.

 

There is nothing wrong with feeling angry about the lies though. In reality, you have no control over their situation and their relationship; it belongs to them. It sounds like you already know that. But, that doesn't mean your feelings are any less valid. Even though it wasn't the perfect situation, you still have a right to your feelings and the right to heal so you can move on with your life. Being angry is a part of that, so don't sell yourself short. It's perfectly fine to feel angry about it and you're doing the right thing by venting about it here instead of trying to set the record straight with him. It gets it out of your system sans drama...lol.

 

I don't care that much for 'their' situation tbh, its more that someone and in this case its his BW is lying about the things I said.

 

If this was someone at work or one of my friends I would face them and ask why?

 

I'm not the kind of person to just sit back and be slagged off by someone, I don't think anyone would if they knew that someone was lying about them.

 

Like I said I have no intention of breaking NC but at some stage we will see each other at work and I can not promise I won't say something to him then.

 

I do also think that these things have a habit of catching up with people....like JT has said.....Karma is a bitch:rolleyes:....guess it catches us all up in the end;)

[vanilla chai]

think about what you are upset about? you were sleeping with this womans husband. you basically lied to this woman daily by sneaking sound with her husband and helping him lie but you are upset she lied about you. lol. then you are accusing this woman in enough pain and heartache to want to od of doing it for the purpose of making mm hate you. are you kidding me? don't be so vain. I don't think her suicide attempt had anything to do with making you look bad. you did that to yourself by sleeping with a married man.

 

ITA!!! Whats wrong with this picture? what is the bw suppose to do just sit back and keep quiet? I say op got off easy,yet shes upset over words.

[hopeless4u]

I'm so sorry that I disagree with most here.

 

I hate lies between two people - no matter how much you Need to have him Out of your life.

 

If this misconception is eating away at you - I think all you can do is to put it in Writing.. (email or whatever form that only He would read).. Documenting that you were informed of a lie that supposedly came from you, and the lie itself, and what you actually did tell the wife. It's logical that you would want to know also, if he received your communication.

 

So if he responds (so you'll know of acknowledgement).. Then you could inform once again of the importance of further NC, and that you only needed to clear the air - and from misconceptions.

 

It's up to you if you wish to let sleeping dogs lie - or to open it up temporarily to clear the slate.

 

 

No I won't contact him but as I said to S4L if we bump into eachother at work I may mention it and these things tend to come back and bite you on the ass so maybe in time it will for her too.

 

He is not a stupid man so part of me thinks he knows or at least suspects not everything she said was true, she has lied about what I've said to her in the past but I think the OD has totally terrified him.

 

I think venting on here has helped me get it out of my system and I have IC tomorrow so hopefully I'll put it to bed for good.

[hopeless4u]

ITA!!! Whats wrong with this picture? what is the bw suppose to do just sit back and keep quiet? I say op got off easy,yet shes upset over words.

 

No not at all, I'm upset because she chose to lie about what I said when there was no reason to.

 

We have had a few conversations and she knew I was staying away so they could work on their M at this stage.

 

She phoned me, I answered her questions and she lied about what I had said and then took an OD because of it....

 

Oh did I mention that she had every chance to slap me if that was what she wanted as she sat outside my house for 2 hrs previous to this phone conversation which I was unaware of at the time but she chose to lie about what I had said instead.

[hopeless4u]

QFT.

 

Don't be a hypocrite, OP.

 

Explain???

[Idalis]

I dont think you need to do or say anything to the married man, I'm sure he's lied to her about you, and he's lied to you about her and it goes on and on. Is she the only one not allowed to lie in this scenario?? You dont really have an argument for a reputation either, at least not with him. So what if it comes back to bite her in the butt, thats not your problem, and I don't really think your concerned with her karma anyway. I think you want HER hubby back.

 

Find someone of your own, or if you're going to start counseling focus on that for a while and figuring out yourself, before you create more heartache for yourself.

[hopeless4u]

I think Green Goddess explained it best. YOU LIED TO HER. You ASSISTED her husband in LYING to her. And now you're upset about her lying about you? BFD if she sat outside your house for 2 hours without you knowing. YOU were schtupping her husband for how long without her knowing?

 

Your actions are no better than hers, and the only reason your pissy is because you want to continue looking good (compared to her) in the eyes of your XMM.

 

So you say you are not going to tell your exMM, unless you run into him at work. OK, to what end? Why would you want him to know the truth? He is your ex now. What difference does it make? The only difference is that maybe your exMM will say "Oh, poor Hopeless4U! You were a victim!! I'm so sorry I didn't believe you!"

 

Unless you are expecting a different reaction from him?

 

Firstly I never lied to her, he did and if you read my post even she said I was the only person who was truthful toward her.

 

The point about her sitting outside my house is she could of knocked on my door if she had wanted to face me.

 

How I look to xMM does bother me you are right, the same as it would bother me about anyone thinking I was a nasty and spiteful liar.

 

I said I may say something if the need arised, I'm hoping when I see him I won't give a sh*t, hence venting on here.

 

He most certainly woudn't see me as any kind of victim, not my style but I am no liar either.

[hopeless4u]

I dont think you need to do or say anything to the married man, I'm sure he's lied to her about you, and he's lied to you about her and it goes on and on. Is she the only one not allowed to lie in this scenario?? You dont really have an argument for a reputation either, at least not with him. So what if it comes back to bite her in the butt, thats not your problem, and I don't really think your concerned with her karma anyway. I think you want HER hubby back.

 

Find someone of your own, or if you're going to start counseling focus on that for a while and figuring out yourself, before you create more heartache for yourself.

 

As far as I know he hasn't lied about me to his W or his W to me, from what his W has told me.

 

I can promise you I DO NOT want her H back, far from it, I am way past wanting him back believe me!

 

I have been in IC for a while and it has opened my eyes to a lot of things and this is just a blip, part of my healing and I see that but that doesn't mean knowing that someone is making me out to be something I'm not isn't going to annoy me, xMM's W or any other person.