What would you do if you found out BW had told xMM lies about you?

[hopeless4u]

I am not blaming you. I am trying to get you to understand you are still in denial and not facing your truths if you honestly believe you never lied to her. I also think accusing her of suicide just to get him back is denial of her pain.

 

I am not in denial, I have been through all of the 'denial' with my IC, I get what I have done, I get my part in the A and I get that you think I lied to her by being with her H, I really do, but thinking of it like that can only hold me back in my healing and MY healing is whats important right now.

 

The suicide is something that xMM said would happen if she ever found out about 'us'. The reason I focus on that is because she told xMM, their children and their family it was because of what I had said, which I can handle if they knew what I had actually said.

[greengoddess]

I am not in denial, I have been through all of the 'denial' with my IC, I get what I have done, I get my part in the A and I get that you think I lied to her by being with her H, I really do, but thinking of it like that can only hold me back in my healing and MY healing is whats important right now.

 

The suicide is something that xMM said would happen if she ever found out about 'us'. The reason I focus on that is because she told xMM, their children and their family it was because of what I had said, which I can handle if they knew what I had actually said.

 

if what you said was the truth don't you think that would have caused her immense pain?

[greengoddess]

what did you tell her? how much of the truth did you give her?

[hopeless4u]

if what you said was the truth don't you think that would have caused her immense pain?

 

Yes, totally. I would have never judged her for any kind of reaction, please don't think this thread was about judging her.

 

I know the pain she went through and is still going through I'm sure and believe me I hate myself for being part of that but I can not focus on that right now.

 

I spent so long punishing myself and still when I think about it I hurt like hell, for her, for me and yes, for him....

 

Its a bad place to be for everyone involved but I guess for the OW, at least for me anyway, I spent months punishing myself but in the end I had to put my son first.

 

Please understand GG I may come over as strong but this is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life.

 

On the one hand I'm being rejected (own fault I know) and I have ripped his W's heart out, something I hate myself for and on the other hand I'm letting someone go that I am so deeply in love with without a fight....

[greengoddess]

it sounds to me like married man is the one doing the blaming here. he told you it was because of what you said. you said the truth. it was because of his actions, the affair not because of what you said. his actions caused this and he needs to own that.

[hopeless4u]

what did you tell her? how much of the truth did you give her?

 

Too LisaLee also...

 

I only answered her questions, the same as the last couple of conversations we had.

 

We had an hour of conversation so I'm not sure I can type it all.

 

 

She asked me what he had said to me about 'them' and their M?

 

He said he would never leave her for me and that he had always said that he loved her but wasn't sure if he was in love with her and needed to know that there was nothing left in their M to save before he could walk away.

 

She asked how come I had stayed with him for 2yrs if I knew he wasn't leaving her?

 

He told me we were soulmates and that he had never loved his W in the way he loved me and that if he could put 2 women together that we (me&BS) would be it. He had even thought of how he would ask me to marry him as if he ever married again it would be me.

 

She asked about sex and how he had pushed her away?

 

I told her he had said he couldn't have sex with her because he felt guilty because he would be with her but would be thinking of me.

 

There is so much more but you get the picture I'm sure. I answered her questions.

[Silly_Girl]

lol yup I love this thought process. it is the betrayed douse that is not to be trusted when her husband and his mistress are sneaking sound having sex.

 

Oversimplification to suit your cause. A BS may well turn things to best assist her position, whether she wants shot of the cheater, or wants him to stay.

 

No one is saying that BS's can't be trusted. It's that during that time, that traumatic, difficult time, the BS can (of course) do and say anything she wishes and if what she says isn't accurate, that just comes with the territory.

[Silly_Girl]

I cant believe you really believe you never lied to her. sneaking around screwing her husband was lying to her.

 

Not really. Although I do understand what you are TRYING to say.

 

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/lie

 

 / Show Spelled [lahy] Show IPA noun, verb, lied, ly·ing.

–noun

 

1. a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.

 

2. something intended or serving to convey a false impression; imposture: His flashy car was a lie that deceived no one.

 

3. an inaccurate or false statement.

 

4. the charge or accusation of lying: He flung the lie back at his accusers.

[Silly_Girl]

It seems H4U has worked hard to put the affair behind her and is in a pretty good place. Of course there are going to be things that come up or think about from time to time, that's normal.

 

For the life of me, I don't get why some posters are making in their mission to change her mind about certain aspects of it. She feels the way she does about it and it seems pretty pointless to try to make her see it a different way.

 

H4U.......here is a wish for your continued healing and peace of mind.

 

Hear hear BB!!!

 

H4U, I would be FURIOUS if someone were spreading blatant lies about me. I don't do it to others and wouldn't like it done to me. You have every right to be on THIS board and expect there to be some posters who 'get' that and don't use it as a chance to flog you. Rant as much as you like chuck

[hopeless4u]

Hear hear BB!!!

 

H4U, I would be FURIOUS if someone were spreading blatant lies about me. I don't do it to others and wouldn't like it done to me. You have every right to be on THIS board and expect there to be some posters who 'get' that and don't use it as a chance to flog you. Rant as much as you like chuck

 

LOL...I guess its all part of the healing, right??

 

I do feel better for getting it off my chest and IC tomorrow will put it to bed:D

[fooled once]

Sure the OW deserves closure, but it doesn't always happen - not even in regular relationship break ups. Closure comes from within you once you allow yourself to begin to heal. It is not something that someone else can give you, it is something you have to give yourself. Holding on and expecting closure after someone is gone is only going to prolong the agony. There comes a point in time where the person has to accept that it is done, allow themselves to heal and let go.

 

Sure everyone deserves closure from the other person, but it is not something that always happens. Many times it doesn't. If it the person gets closure that's great, but if they don't, they still have to find a way to let go and move on...right?

 

I just broke up with someone about a month ago and he wants closure too. I've explained why I was leaving and he still has a ton of questions that I can't answer. I've already told him how I feel and why, so what else am I suppose to do. Closure is up to him now and not me. I've provided the answers as best as I could and now he needs to let go, heal and move on.

 

I haven't read all the posts but this one was very insightful to me.

 

For all those that think they "deserve" closure .... can you tell me how you would get closure from the unexpected death of someone you loved? How does that work?

 

Closure comes from WITHIN, not FROM another person.

 

This would be a very interesting conversation, I would certainly be up for it as I think I would be the only person of the 3 of us who could actually say I never lied to anyone, everything I said I would say again in front of both of them.

 

H4U, you know I am on your side, but I have to ask...would you tell her EVERYTHING? Including the things you stated before that you didn't tell her per the MM's request??

 

No not at all, I'm upset because she chose to lie about what I said when there was no reason to.

 

We have had a few conversations and she knew I was staying away so they could work on their M at this stage.

 

She phoned me, I answered her questions and she lied about what I had said and then took an OD because of it....

 

Oh did I mention that she had every chance to slap me if that was what she wanted as she sat outside my house for 2 hrs previous to this phone conversation which I was unaware of at the time but she chose to lie about what I had said instead.

 

But didn't you also have contact with him again after you told her you were staying away from her H? I am not picking on you ((hugs)) just wanting to make sure I remember things correctly.

 

DO NOT contact him in any way. Sweetie, 1 conversation is going to set you back. It doesn't matter what she has said to him. IF you are truly done with him, it shouldn't matter. She is allegedly saying things because that is how SHE needs to cope. Let them deal with their issue and you stay far far away from them. ((hugs))

[fooled once]

Do you believe in karma? Your behaviour was (by your new-found standards) reprehensible, yet you scored yourself a proper winner of a husband it seems. That's not what I thought karma was about, but I'll have some if that's how it works!!

 

Wow Silly, I didn't expect to see this kind of attack/reply from you. Wow.

 

jthorne has posted numerous times about how she feels in regards to her former actions. The fact that she found a wonderful, loving caring husband is NOT because she doesn't deserve it -- she, like everyone, DOES deserve happiness in their life. I guess you must feel the same way about me since I sorted myself a proper winner of a husband even after having a 2 year affair.

 

Just wow.

[hopeless4u]

I haven't read all the posts but this one was very insightful to me.

 

For all those that think they "deserve" closure .... can you tell me how you would get closure from the unexpected death of someone you loved? How does that work?

 

Closure comes from WITHIN, not FROM another person.

 

 

 

H4U, you know I am on your side, but I have to ask...would you tell her EVERYTHING? Including the things you stated before that you didn't tell her per the MM's request??

 

You know FO, yes this time I would tell her all the things I didn't tell her before because then it would be done...once and for all. The reason I didn't tell her before was to save her sanity as xMM had said it would push her over the edge but guess thats already happened.

 

 

But didn't you also have contact with him again after you told her you were staying away from her H? I am not picking on you ((hugs)) just wanting to make sure I remember things correctly.

 

He came to work and rang me on his way home a few times when he had left and moved into his mums but as soon as I found out he had moved back home I told him we couldn't be friends and had been NC for 9 days when his W phoned me.

 

DO NOT contact him in any way. Sweetie, 1 conversation is going to set you back. It doesn't matter what she has said to him. IF you are truly done with him, it shouldn't matter. She is allegedly saying things because that is how SHE needs to cope. Let them deal with their issue and you stay far far away from them. ((hugs))

 

I will not contact him I promise FO, I am done with him. You know how I feel about this:o

 

I still have a long way to go and I still hurt about this whole mess but I'm very much in control of my feelings and my actions:D

 

Thanks for the ((hugs)) xx

[woinlove]

Do you believe in karma? Your behaviour was (by your new-found standards) reprehensible, yet you scored yourself a proper winner of a husband it seems. That's not what I thought karma was about, but I'll have some if that's how it works!!

 

Huh? jthorne was referring to the fact that you might not get closure in an A with a MM. Call it karma, or call it common sense. But your connection to what happens to an OW for the rest of her life seems really out of left field. What did you mean?

[hopeless4u]

Wow Silly, I didn't expect to see this kind of attack/reply from you. Wow.

 

jthorne has posted numerous times about how she feels in regards to her former actions. The fact that she found a wonderful, loving caring husband is NOT because she doesn't deserve it -- she, like everyone, DOES deserve happiness in their life. I guess you must feel the same way about me since I sorted myself a proper winner of a husband even after having a 2 year affair.

 

Just wow.

 

I think Silly was sticking up for me on this one FO, JT was a bit harsh with her reply, I felt it but didn't reply.

[Silly_Girl]

I said "No one is saying that BS's can't be trusted".

 

Then...

 

Actually Silly, it was said.

 

FO, just checked, it was said that 'An OW should not trust a BS'. Not that BS's are untrustworthy. I read that to be more (which is why I posted in that vein) that because the 2 women's stances will (generally) always be at opposite ends of the spectrum, the OW is better served to simply not trust the BS.

 

Not that BS's can't tell the truth. Those are very different scenarios to me. There's a lot of this on the forum; translation of the same text resulting in an extremely different slant.

[hopeless4u]

Huh? jthorne was referring to the fact that you might not get closure in an A with a MM. Call it karma, or call it common sense. But your connection to what happens to an OW for the rest of her life seems really out of left field. What did you mean?

 

 

Again, I can see just what Silly meant, it was a bit harsh from JT as I read it also.

[woinlove]

Again, I can see just what Silly meant, it was a bit harsh from JT as I read it also.

 

Looked to me like saying those who believe in 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you' necessarily think anyone who doesn't follow that never deserves happiness. But, I'll take your interpretation that it meant something else.

[jthorne]

Well, I stand by what I said, but am sorry if it was taken harshly. The fact is that you chose to get involved with a married man. Things ended badly. I'm sorry for that, but what they say between themselves about their marriage, about you, about all the tea in China is now THEIR BUSINESS.

 

And it keeps you from yours, which is getting on with your life.

[Silly_Girl]

Huh? jthorne was referring to the fact that you might not get closure in an A with a MM. Call it karma, or call it common sense. But your connection to what happens to an OW for the rest of her life seems really out of left field. What did you mean?

 

LS poster has an issue and feels aggrieved. Fellow LS poster says 'yeah, karma is a b*tch!'. I think it was an uncalled for dig on the OW board, and if karma rates so highly in these situations am genuinely interested as to how far that stretches. Maybe karma is selective. I don't know. I don't go round citing karma to people who are having a tough time, so I was hoping to understand better.

[GreenEyedLady]

FO. I think you should read both the posts with the same eyes.

 

Some people only see what they want to see and from who they want to see it from.

 

I thought your post was a nice rebuttal.

 

GEL

[D-Lish]

Sometimes people do what they need to do in order to make things right in their own world. I have to say I am not surprised that the wife embellished what you told her- I am sure she reconciled the conversation with how she was feeling- hurt, enraged, confused, decieved.

 

She may have reconciled the converstion to the point where she believes you said what you said to her. I am sure her feelings about what was done behind her back reflected how she translated your conversations.

 

In terms of your ex-MM, perhaps he too has to demonize you in order to feel better about what he did- so it makes sense that he would embrace what his wife told him and run with it. If he can make you the enemy because of these conversations it serves a dual purpose for him:

1) it takes the onus off of what he did to his wife and makes you the bad guy (also justifying him leaving your affair);

2) it gives him and his wife common ground- all of a sudden, YOU become the problem, not their marriage, and NOT what HE did to his wife.

 

I think the wife believes what she has to in order to move forward. It's unrealistic to expect that she'd come out of those conversations with a favourable opinion of you- and regardless off how forthright and pleasant you were during those conversations- she's going to view you as the enemy no matter what.

 

The bottom line is that there is no point defending yourself against the two of them. They are both working through what they need to in order to put the affair past them. People will warp things to suit them in a situation like that. Your MM probably has to believe what he does in order to keep his marriage- and she has to believe you are something she needs you to be in order to move forward as well.

 

I know it hurts, but I don't think she decieved you anywhere near the way HE did.

[jthorne]

Looked to me like saying those who believe in 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you' necessarily think anyone who doesn't follow that never deserves happiness. But, I'll take your interpretation that it meant something else.

Nah, there was a lot of poetic license taken with "new-found" whatever and karma reference. Her assumptions don't have anything to do with the OP, so negates the need for further discussion.

[hopeless4u]

Looked to me like saying those who believe in 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you' necessarily think anyone who doesn't follow that never deserves happiness. But, I'll take your interpretation that it meant something else.

 

Not sure I understand.

 

I just didn't want FO to think Silly was being disrespectful to JT.

 

I respect all of their opinions even if we don't agree on everything.

[woinlove]

LS poster has an issue and feels aggrieved. Fellow LS poster says 'yeah, karma is a b*tch!'. I think it was an uncalled for dig on the OW board, and if karma rates so highly in these situations am genuinely interested as to how far that stretches. Maybe karma is selective. I don't know. I don't go round citing karma to people who are having a tough time, so I was hoping to understand better.

 

Oh. Okay, I thought the karma was in reference to her statements on closure.

 

I guess I understand the sentiment as I argue the W would see purposeful deception the same as verbal lying - both of which are of course wrong, so I'm not excusing either. But I wouldn't describe that as karma - simply as understanding another's perspective and taking responsibility for one's actions.

 

You lie or deceive someone and when they lie or deceive you, it can still hurt the same, but you might understand where they are coming from. Personally, I always find such understanding actually makes me feel better, not worse. But I see others think differently.