What would you do if you found out BW had told xMM lies about you?

[greengoddess]

so you don't think sneaking around with someone elses husband is living a lie?

[pureinheart]

This goes to show that an OW should never trust a BS (talking about real life here). An OW should never let what a BS says factor into her decision whether or not to stay with the MM.

 

Jennie, I thought about what you said here and it provoked memories of even bf's that had broken up with their gf's and the gf's would follow them around wanting to get crazy with the new person in the bf's life. I had this happen to me a lot. Noone wanted to get crazy with me ever, although later on I would be told that we were followed, and would have exgf's call and then hang up...very childish.

 

The reason being, in unhealthy R's there is a dynamic of "ownership"...this always seems to lead to a series of other unhealthy behavior. Also in my own situation I had figured out in the beginning that his now ex and family were extremely unhealthy mentally and in behavior. I wanted nothing to do with the mess.

 

I never think it is a wise thing to have communication with the BS, for many reasons.

[hopeless4u]

so you don't think sneaking around with someone elses husband is living a lie?

 

I said I had never lied to her and I haven't.

 

I have taken ownership of my part in the A and I have had this conversation with BW, I will not be blamed continuously for every little thing that crops up in their M.

 

They had big problems way before I came along, I was just the catalyst that brought those problems to the surface.

[greengoddess]

This goes to show that an OW should never trust a BS (talking about real life here). An OW should never let what a BS says factor into her decision whether or not to stay with the MM.

 

lol yup I love this thought process. it is the betrayed douse that is not to be trusted when her husband and his mistress are sneaking sound having sex.

[hopeless4u]

I cant believe you really believe you never lied to her. sneaking around screwing her husband was lying to her.

 

To answer your previous post I AM out of their lives, unless they are posting on here that is:confused:

 

Yes I do believe I never lied to her....have you ever been in an A??

 

Until DDay I knew he had a W, it wasn't until I spoke to her that it hit home she was real.

 

You can bash me all you want but I HAVE taken ownership for my part and have had lots of IC to get my head around what I did and I DO NOT owe either of them anything more than I have already given them.

 

I'm sorry if you don't agree with that but that is how it is. I can not spend the rest of my life punishing myself for what I did just as his BW can not go on punishing him for what he did.

[hopeless4u]

Oh and to add, I never once said his W was a horrid person, I have never been nasty about her and I never would.

 

I have only said what I know to be true about her and nothing more.

[woinlove]

To answer your previous post I AM out of their lives, unless they are posting on here that is:confused:

 

Yes I do believe I never lied to her....have you ever been in an A??

 

Until DDay I knew he had a W, it wasn't until I spoke to her that it hit home she was real.

 

You can bash me all you want but I HAVE taken ownership for my part and have had lots of IC to get my head around what I did and I DO NOT owe either of them anything more than I have already given them.

 

I'm sorry if you don't agree with that but that is how it is. I can not spend the rest of my life punishing myself for what I did just as his BW can not go on punishing him for what he did.

 

I think greengoddess is referring to the general definition of lying which includes lies of omission, i.e. saying or doing things to make someone believe something false. In this case, making the W believe you don't exist or that you aren't having an A with her H.

 

In any non-secret R, when one has been with someone for months or more, you typically call each other at home, even visit each others home, meet their family. By contrast, in an A usually both the WS and the AP work to keep the A a secret, by making sure they do not meet the BS or relatives who would clue the BS in, and make sure they don't call or drop by, so that the W doesn't find out what is really going on. This is deception.

 

I assume you did your part to deceive the W, right? If not, I don't know how that works, perhaps greengoddess doesn't either, so could you explain?

[GreenEyedLady]

How can you lie to someone you don't know??!!

 

OP:

 

It seems the usual suspects are on the attack.

 

You are doing really well. You are processing everything that's happened in your life and trying to reflect and move on.

 

Keep on moving on. You don't owe anyone but yourself anything. Process everything the best way that you can.

 

GEL

[hopeless4u]

I think greengoddess is referring to the general definition of lying which includes lies of omission, i.e. saying or doing things to make someone believe something false. In this case, making the W believe you don't exist or that you aren't having an A with her H.

 

In any non-secret R, when one has been with someone for months or more, you typically call each other at home, even visit each others home, meet their family. By contrast, in an A usually both the WS and the AP work to keep the A a secret, by making sure they do not meet the BS or relatives who would clue the BS in, and make sure they don't call or drop by, so that the W doesn't find out what is really going on. This is deception.

 

I assume you did your part to deceive the W, right? If not, I don't know how that works, perhaps greengoddess doesn't either, so could you explain?

 

I did nothing to deceive his W, our paths never crossed. He deceived his W, he lied to her so he could spend time with me.

 

I had my life and he had his, just like a R in any other form. Yes near the end I worried about ringing him but for 2 yrs I could ring him whenever I needed and he would either answer or get back to me when he could.

 

If we had bumped into her and I had pretended to be 'just' his friend or if she had phoned me and asked what was going on and I'd of lied then yes I'd of deceived her but no I didn't.

[woinlove]

This is a bit Clintonesque. Depends on your definition of lying. Or whether one considers intentional deception to be morally equivalent to lying.

 

Most would consider intentional deception to be morally equivalent to lying, when the end result is the same.

 

If the W lied about you, that is wrong. No more wrong that you intentionally deceiving her. In fact, some would argue, less wrong, if you consider the end result and if you consider who acted this way first. However, less wrong still doesn't make it right. Understandable, sure. But not right.

[hopeless4u]

How can you lie to someone you don't know??!!

 

OP:

 

It seems the usual suspects are on the attack.

 

You are doing really well. You are processing everything that's happened in your life and trying to reflect and move on.

 

Keep on moving on. You don't owe anyone but yourself anything. Process everything the best way that you can.

 

GEL

 

This is how I see it GEL, I never lied to her before she found out because I didn't know her and as soon as she found out I was honest.

 

I'm stronger now with the usual suspects;) My IC has helped me so much.

 

There are still things that bother me which I don't discuss on the public forum but what I do discuss I can handle:rolleyes: just!!

 

I'm getting there and I know I'm not a bad person, just a person who made bad choices:o

[woinlove]

I did nothing to deceive his W, our paths never crossed. He deceived his W, he lied to her so he could spend time with me.

 

I had my life and he had his, just like a R in any other form. Yes near the end I worried about ringing him but for 2 yrs I could ring him whenever I needed and he would either answer or get back to me when he could.

 

If we had bumped into her and I had pretended to be 'just' his friend or if she had phoned me and asked what was going on and I'd of lied then yes I'd of deceived her but no I didn't.

 

Sorry, I still don't understand. How did you paths manage to never cross? Didn't he live with his W? Why didn't you stay overnight at his house sometimes? If they usually shared the same bed, and his W was sleeping at home too, you could sleep in their spare room. How come you never did this? I know the awkwardness of having a long-term relationship with a boyfriend with room mates, but room mates understand that a couple want to sleep together? I don't understand how this never came up unless you were trying to keep it secret from his W.

[hopeless4u]

This is a bit Clintonesque. Depends on your definition of lying. Or whether one considers intentional deception to be morally equivalent to lying.

 

Most would consider intentional deception to be morally equivalent to lying, when the end result is the same.

 

If the W lied about you, that is wrong. No more wrong that you intentionally deceiving her. In fact, some would argue, less wrong, if you consider the end result and if you consider who acted this way first. However, less wrong still doesn't make it right. Understandable, sure. But not right.

 

 

What???

 

I'm sorry but no, no, no....

 

Yes I helped deceive her but I never once told people lies about her, I never once told people she was something she was not.

 

Even at the end when she was so desperate to keep her H she swallowed pills, not once thinking about her kids, even then I never told people she was something she was not.

[woinlove]

What???

 

I'm sorry but no, no, no....

 

Yes I helped deceive her but I never once told people lies about her, I never once told people she was something she was not.

 

Even at the end when she was so desperate to keep her H she swallowed pills, not once thinking about her kids, even then I never told people she was something she was not.

 

Okay. This I understand. Thanks.

 

But read my Clintonesque post above. It is difficult to argue that intentional deception is somehow less wrong than a verbal lie, when the outcome is the same or worse.

[hopeless4u]

Sorry, I still don't understand. How did you paths manage to never cross? Didn't he live with his W? Why didn't you stay overnight at his house sometimes? If they usually shared the same bed, and his W was sleeping at home too, you could sleep in their spare room. How come you never did this? I know the awkwardness of having a long-term relationship with a boyfriend with room mates, but room mates understand that a couple want to sleep together? I don't understand how this never came up unless you were trying to keep it secret from his W.

 

 

You can paint it how you want but you will still not convince me that I lied to her.

 

I have a son so I stay at home, he could stay wherever he wanted as he worked all over.

 

It wasn't a case of me knowing he was at home with his W, when I needed him he was there, simple.

 

You can go so deep into the R and of course you will prove your point but tbh, it makes no difference to me now, I have been all through this in IC.

[greengoddess]

What???

 

I'm sorry but no, no, no....

 

Yes I helped deceive her but I never once told people lies about her, I never once told people she was something she was not.

 

Even at the end when she was so desperate to keep her H she swallowed pills, not once thinking about her kids, even then I never told people she was something she was not.

 

what is it you would have liked to tell people about her suicide attempt?

[BB07]

It seems H4U has worked hard to put the affair behind her and is in a pretty good place. Of course there are going to be things that come up or think about from time to time, that's normal.

 

For the life of me, I don't get why some posters are making in their mission to change her mind about certain aspects of it. She feels the way she does about it and it seems pretty pointless to try to make her see it a different way.

 

H4U.......here is a wish for your continued healing and peace of mind.

[hopeless4u]

omg this woman was in so much pain because of your affair with her husband and you are seriously judging her for trying to commit suicide. you actually believe her suicide attempt was out of desperation to keep her husband not out of the debilitating pain her husbands affair put her through? read your words back and look at how cold they sound. especially from someone who had a huge part in causing her that pain.

 

you say they are out of your life but you are posting on a support forum asking what to do because she told a lie about you.

 

 

OHHHH GET THE FU*K OFF YOUR SOAPBOX!!!

 

You know nothing about me, her or the situation.

 

I have not once said anything that isn't true, you on the other hand will pick into any tiny little fragment to make me feel bad, NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!

 

I am at peace with what I have done, the pain I have caused. This thread was to asked people who understand and would like to help me get my head straight with a blip not for BS's or whoever you are to bitch me back into feeling like sh*t about what I did.

 

Enough said...

[woinlove]

You can paint it how you want but you will still not convince me that I lied to her.

 

I have a son so I stay at home, he could stay wherever he wanted as he worked all over.

 

It wasn't a case of me knowing he was at home with his W, when I needed him he was there, simple.

 

You can go so deep into the R and of course you will prove your point but tbh, it makes no difference to me now, I have been all through this in IC.

 

Lying vs intentional deception -- makes no difference to me. It seems to make a difference to you. We can agree to disagree on this.

[greengoddess]

It seems H4U has worked hard to put the affair behind her and is in a pretty good place. Of course there are going to be things that come up or think about from time to time, that's normal.

 

For the life of me, I don't get why some posters are making in their mission to change her mind about certain aspects of it. She feels the way she does about it and it seems pretty pointless to try to make her see it a different way.

 

H4U.......here is a wish for your continued healing and peace of mind.

 

honestly. for me the whole denial thing makes me crazy and I think it is a big reason why ow stay in these disrespectful situations for so long. I want everyone who may be reading in these situations to realize they are living a lie not fooling themselves that you can't lie to someone you don't know. I want people to move on and not be stuck in denial believing his wife is not a real person.

[hopeless4u]

It seems H4U has worked hard to put the affair behind her and is in a pretty good place. Of course there are going to be things that come up or think about from time to time, that's normal.

 

For the life of me, I don't get why some posters are making in their mission to change her mind about certain aspects of it. She feels the way she does about it and it seems pretty pointless to try to make her see it a different way.

 

H4U.......here is a wish for your continued healing and peace of mind.

 

Thanks BB, I do try not to get irritated but sometimes its hard.

 

All I wanted was opinions, not bitching, not nastyness just opinions...

 

I'm ok with anyone asking my view or questioning my actions and I will answer honestly but sometimes people just have to have a piece to make themselves feel better I guess....

[hopeless4u]

honestly. for me the whole denial thing makes me crazy and I think it is a big reason why ow stay in these disrespectful situations for so long. I want everyone who may be reading in these situations to realize they are living a lie not fooling themselves that you can't lie to someone you don't know. I want people to move on and not be stuck in denial believing his wife is not a real person.

 

Honestly GG, the whole 'blaming' thing makes me crazy to and I think you do have a point but I also think you should aim it at OW that are in the situation you talk about.

 

I am way past the 'blaming' stage and it comes across as being bashed by a bitter BW.

[hopeless4u]

Lying vs intentional deception -- makes no difference to me. It seems to make a difference to you. We can agree to disagree on this.

 

 

Yes we can agree to disagree, I guess you have to be there to understand but trust me I will not be there again...

[woinlove]

It seems H4U has worked hard to put the affair behind her and is in a pretty good place. Of course there are going to be things that come up or think about from time to time, that's normal.

 

For the life of me, I don't get why some posters are making in their mission to change her mind about certain aspects of it. She feels the way she does about it and it seems pretty pointless to try to make her see it a different way.

 

H4U.......here is a wish for your continued healing and peace of mind.

 

Yes, I'm sure you are right. Just that H4U is asking about responding to what she sees as an injustice, the W lying about her. The W is unlikely to share H4U's views about deception/lying and what is unjust. If H4U responds to this or future incidents, the "who is doing the most bad against who" fight could continue to flare rather than die down, as would be in everyone's interest.

 

The W of one of my MM turned out to be quite aggressive and violent, destroying some of my property. While I was upset she had destroyed something important, I also realized her current life was harmed in a way mine wasn't, that I had participated in that, and I certainly didn't see her actions as somehow worse than mine or unjust - even though I could have taken legal action if I wished. I don't know if my reaction (or non-reaction) made her life any easier, but it certainly made my life better to empathize (rather late to the game, admittedly) and to see her behavior for what it was - someone acting out in pain.

[greengoddess]

Honestly GG, the whole 'blaming' thing makes me crazy to and I think you do have a point but I also think you should aim it at OW that are in the situation you talk about.

 

I am way past the 'blaming' stage and it comes across as being bashed by a bitter BW.

 

I am not blaming you. I am trying to get you to understand you are still in denial and not facing your truths if you honestly believe you never lied to her. I also think accusing her of suicide just to get him back is denial of her pain.