What would you do if you found out BW had told xMM lies about you?

[pureinheart]

I know you have your way of thinking, and I am not too at odds with it on the whole.

 

Cause the people could obviously find closure in themselves, if they were worth their salt.

 

For me, I needed something from xMOM beyond a blanking in the street.

 

I can see a BS might not see that need in an OW, but then the OW has been minimised by then.

 

And the BS was minimised so that the OW felt the A wasn't stepping on anyone's toes.

 

Full circle.

 

But the OW wants closure.

 

And to be denied it kills.

 

Well WW, that was cold and he intensified the already raw feelings...man that was way uncalled for IMO, I remember your thread on that.

 

For me I don't need closure for anything, but I understand those that do, especially with how yours went down.

[BB07]

This is why I advised not to talk to the BS on the BB/HS/SS thread.

 

And I think it goes without saying that the BS does not trust the OW either. She is just a means to an ends for her. And that's kind of how it worked out for BB in the end. HSSS went NC and she was left wondering if they worked it out or not.

 

GEL

 

About that.....I have no regrets because I feel that I did the right thing for me and her. Sure she and I both had our motives and reasons, although I don't believe either one of us had any intent to hurt each other with the information we shared. I think both of us wanted the truth, and I do feel that we both got it. I know what I've done with the truth and what I've done since and I'm good with it. As for her........no I don't know what or where she is at with him or even if she is with him. Yes I would have liked to have my question answered by her when I contacted her a while back and truthfully it bothered me that she wouldn't answer. In a way I admit that I felt like she owed me that much but yet at the same time I get it that I'm not entitled to know. And.......I'm sure if I was serious about finding out, I could, but I've decided it's best to just let it go. It's funny how sometimes we get a little obsessed about something but then given a little time we can get past it and I did get past my need to know. I'm OK with not knowing now. I also get that if they are together, I'm the enemy and I'm sure she has probably had to lie to herself in order to take him back. She told me once that he said I chased him, (ha ha).......maybe she believes that now. I would think that she would have to believe some pretty bad things about me in order to close her eyes to the truth about HIM.

 

I look at it like this and yes it took some time to get here, I know without a doubt that I don't want him in my life. I can't trust him, I can't forgive him and really IMO he is not deserving of forgiveness from me......nor her, but if she is with him, then I pity her. As bad as it is in what he did to me, it was much worse for her. She found out most of her marriage was a lie and that 6 months after they married, he was telling me that he made a huge mistake and that they separated,(the 1st big lie). How could she sort out the truth from the lies in her own head? I know I can't....regarding me and him. There are some things about it that I have reached conclusions about but there are many things I know I'll never figure out, and how they hell can anyone figure out the why's of all that. My bff and I have had many conversations about it, and I've said there is so much I don't know or understand, but one thing I'm pretty sure of...........why he did what he did is that he wanted me to love him. Looking back on it, I think he had me up on this pedestal, he thought I was unattainable to him, so maybe the payoff for him was me loving him.

 

Sorry for my rambling........

[whichwayisup]

BB, I believe that if they were divorcing, she would let you know. I would assume that they are trying to work it out.

 

I know many on here figure that she wasn't trustworthy and you shouldn't have bonded with her, but I think in the long run it was what you both needed at that particular time. She isn't in a malicous place towards you, though I'm sure she's in pain..infact i'm sure she truly liked you and if it wasn't for the situation itself there would be friendship.

[2sure]

However I would have no qualms whatsoever about telling lies about the OW to my fWH or to anyone else. I wouldn't even care if my H found out later they were lies. I would make sure I didn't break any laws or defame anyone though. This is so totally against my character that it surprises me, but it's how I feel. Haven't ever put it into practice though...

 

Exactly what I was thinking. BS is angry and has been lied to by both OW and WS via the affair itself.

OP pointed out that when she spoke with BS she was honest about some information but omitted other things at MM's request. While I'm sure BS did originally appreciate your honesty...its possible that the omitted info has come out and she got angry about being lied to again so used what she had.

 

OP, you are moving on and I think you will just ignore this backlash but...

it concerns me that you are blaming the BS for the feelings, words, and actions of your MM toward you. Thats exactly like the BS blaming the OW because her H cheated.

[BB07]

BB, I believe that if they were divorcing, she would let you know. I would assume that they are trying to work it out.

Yes that is what I assume.........and so be it.

I know many on here figure that she wasn't trustworthy and you shouldn't have bonded with her, but I think in the long run it was what you both needed at that particular time. She isn't in a malicous place towards you, though I'm sure she's in pain..infact i'm sure she truly liked you and if it wasn't for the situation itself there would be friendship.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head.....perfectly. As crazy as the circumstances were I do feel we got to know each other on a level that was pretty deep and it happened quickly. As she said......in some ways we were alike.

 

I tend to try to think the best of people and yes sometimes it bites me but that is just who I am and even if she had to convince herself that I am the enemy in order to be with him, I know she knows.......deep inside that I'm not evil. I don't think she was just using me either. I know she was a very kind person.......and her kindness and forgiveness was extended to me although she certainly didn't have to.

[BB07]

However I would have no qualms whatsoever about telling lies about the OW to my fWH or to anyone else. I wouldn't even care if my H found out later they were lies. I would make sure I didn't break any laws or defame anyone though. This is so totally against my character that it surprises me, but it's how I feel. Haven't ever put it into practice though...

 

Exactly what I was thinking. BS is angry and has been lied to by both OW and WS via the affair itself.

OP pointed out that when she spoke with BS she was honest about some information but omitted other things at MM's request. While I'm sure BS did originally appreciate your honesty...its possible that the omitted info has come out and she got angry about being lied to again so used what she had.

 

OP, you are moving on and I think you will just ignore this backlash but...

it concerns me that you are blaming the BS for the feelings, words, and actions of your MM toward you. Thats exactly like the BS blaming the OW because her H cheated.

 

 

Whoa now........you have some information WRONG if you are referring to me! I answered EVERY question she asked me honestly.

[BB07]

Never mind....2 sure, I see now you weren't referring to me. Sorry I jumped the gun there.

[whichwayisup]

I think you hit the nail on the head.....perfectly. As crazy as the circumstances were I do feel we got to know each other on a level that was pretty deep and it happened quickly. As she said......in some ways we were alike.

 

I tend to try to think the best of people and yes sometimes it bites me but that is just who I am and even if she had to convince herself that I am the enemy in order to be with him, I know she knows.......deep inside that I'm not evil. I don't think she was just using me either. I know she was a very kind person.......and her kindness and forgiveness was extended to me although she certainly didn't have to.

 

All that counts is what you feel, and you're the one who got to know her. Listen to your gut on this, don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

 

It's a good quality to have BB! Just shows how kind hearted you are.

[hopeless4u]

Thank you all for your replies and sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, I will try to reply to each of you but just to catch up.....

 

I do find it hard to stay here on LS every night as it feels like replacing 1 addiction with another, it does seem to keep my wound open and I also need a couple of days to digest and understand my IC and being here doesent always help:o

 

So IC....It seems I am still looking for approval from xMM and that is why I am so pissed off about his BW lying about what I said.

 

I get that now, it is not his W I am angry at but I still need him to think I'm not a bad person. My head knows I should not give a sh*t what he thinks but my heart still cares....

 

I'm in a better place than I was a week ago but I still have issues that just won't go away....my IC says I am like 'a dog with a bone', in other words when I don't understand something, I need answers and until I get them I won't rest....and not just with xMM, this is in all aspects of my life so this part of my personality just makes this R with xMM even harder to let go.

 

I need to post now as I have just rushed this so I can have a glass of wine and not get told off by Tony for drinking on the thread;)

[ladydesigner]

Thank you all for your replies and sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, I will try to reply to each of you but just to catch up.....

 

I do find it hard to stay here on LS every night as it feels like replacing 1 addiction with another, it does seem to keep my wound open and I also need a couple of days to digest and understand my IC and being here doesent always help:o

 

So IC....It seems I am still looking for approval from xMM and that is why I am so pissed off about his BW lying about what I said.

 

I get that now, it is not his W I am angry at but I still need him to think I'm not a bad person. My head knows I should not give a sh*t what he thinks but my heart still cares....

 

I'm in a better place than I was a week ago but I still have issues that just won't go away....my IC says I am like 'a dog with a bone', in other words when I don't understand something, I need answers and until I get them I won't rest....and not just with xMM, this is in all aspects of my life so this part of my personality just makes this R with xMM even harder to let go.

 

I need to post now as I have just rushed this so I can have a glass of wine and not get told off by Tony for drinking on the thread;)

 

Hi there! You sound like you are doing waaaay better girl! I'm so happy for you. The bolded is so true. I am also like that in every aspect of my life. My mind just won't let it rest until I find resolution. I always thought maybe I had some kind of OCD thing going on lol. Glad to see you here today and hope you are doing fabulous;)

[hopeless4u]

That's the next step Hope, leaving it behind you.

 

I think you also need to put the onus of the break up in it's proper place. I truly believe she told him what she "believes" you said with her conscience to back it up. Truth is relative and subjective. You have your truth, he has his truth, and the wife has her truth. How each of you frame your notion of the truth is probably going to dictate how all of you proceed.

 

The only problem with the aforementioned is that HE is the one that deserves to be left out in the cold- but it's you and his wife that end up being the most damaged by his actions.

 

Now they can both go off and re-bond believing "that OW was a demon".

 

It took me some time, but I blame my exH for choosing to have an affair behind my back. The OW was a willing participant in the affair- but she wasn't "the cause" of the problems in our marriage.

 

I guess I am saying, don't demonize the wife for the demise of your affair (or the aftermath)- demonize the MM that caused all of the heartache for both of you in the first place.

 

He's now the one sitting pretty, and that just doesn't seem right does it?

 

I don't blame his W for anything more than fighting for her M I suppose but the desperate measure of an overdose that she warned people about before/after she'd taken just 'enough' really grated on me.

 

I guess I saw it as taking away any 'choice' he ever had about 'his' life because now he will never leave for the fear of what she may do.

 

I can now see it how it is, its not about his choice, its about my choice.

 

What they do will not make any difference to my healing...I fell in love with a man who was just not worthy of the love I was willing to give...

[hopeless4u]

Hi there! You sound like you are doing waaaay better girl! I'm so happy for you. The bolded is so true. I am also like that in every aspect of my life. My mind just won't let it rest until I find resolution. I always thought maybe I had some kind of OCD thing going on lol. Glad to see you here today and hope you are doing fabulous;)

 

Hey LD, yeah I'm ok, things are a lot clearer in my mind, (heart will catch up soon), this damn tug of war with the answers for everything is a bi*ch but I guess I'll get there;) and IC has helped me understand 'me' so has helped enormously!!

 

Hope you are good hun;)xx

[hopeless4u]

Ok so I've tried to read through quickly and I do understand most of the posts I realise quite a few are not really relevent to me so please don't think I'm being ignorant if I don't reply.

 

I will try to answer most by this 1 post....

 

Someone mentioned I did not tell his W the whole truth and maybe that has now come out in their reconciliation and she now thinks I lied to her....I answered her questions, nothing more. The things I didn't disclose were things she didn't and wouldn't ask. We went away for 3 days where his dad grew up, she never asked if we went away together. xMM told me about her A and the fact she had planted the seed that his D may not be his that she told him about after DDay#1, you get the picture....things she would of never of asked and things I never would of just told her.

[hopeless4u]

Yep I have read through and most are really not for me....Sorry if I have missed any questions and please feel free to ask anything that I haven't answered in my post tonight after my IC revalations;)