Is a friend a good choice for a husband?

[Amy82]

I am 28 and recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5yrs because he told me he never wanted to get married or have kids. Although I am upset by the end of our relationship, I think I was expecting it. So, I am excited to date and find someone with the same passion for children as I have.

 

So, I went out for a couple drinks with a friend of mine last night. He is 32, and we have been friends for about 5 years. Years ago we had a bit of a fling, but at the time we had both just come out of serious relationships, and we had a friend in common who had strong feelings for me. Needless to say, it didn't work out. I was definitely more keen on him than he was on me, and I think I scared him off.

 

But, we were very open with each other, and have remained close friends. He has brought "us" up on a few occasions since, and has mentioned regret over the bad timing, saying that he was "crazy to not have been that interested in me". I also secretly thought that I never felt completely comfortable with him, and of course he had been somewhat unreliable (but I suspect it was related to my keenness and his lack of). He has always been a very caring and considerate friend though, and certainly reliable in that sense. So, having drinks last night, (I went along as friends only) I found that we have a lot more in common than we used to, and that are very much on the same page when it comes to marriage and children. He told me that he would like to settle down soon, and have children. He spoke about how he has spent the last two years really getting to know himself, and confront his fears and insecurities. I found him to be a lot more open and easy to converse with than I previously have. I also felt as though the scales were very even, and recognised that I too have matured, and feel confident in knowing and sticking with what I want. I think the dynamic of our relationship has changed for the better.

 

So, overall I got the impression that he was quite interested in me. Which leads me to wonder about my own feelings. Part of me thinks, "wow.. This lovely, happy, funny, caring, smart, intelligent and successful guy is interested in me, and may be suggesting that he wants to settle down with me." I consider that he has a lovely family, nice friends, a good job, and a happy temperament. I have never known him to get angry or yell, or behave like a brat. He is also respectful of my feelings. My reservations.. I'm not sure about how I would feel with him physically. I only have the past to go on, and then it was always a little awkward. However, taking into account that he has opened up so much in other ways, and that the tables are more even, I feel that maybe we would be different with each other this time around. Also, I guess I am comparing him to my ex, and after 2.5 years we have had so much time to get comfortable with each other that I guess I may feel this way about any guy I meet. It all takes time I think. So, do I say to this guy, I'm keen but I would like to get to know you a lot more without anything physical for the time-being, and see how we both feel in a couple months? I'm a little afraid of getting caught up in something I will change my mind on later, especially considering that we are friends.

[Silly_Girl]

A friend is a great choice for a potential casual could-turn-to-more relationship. Are you sure you want to be husband-shopping if you're only newly single?

[emmalee]

A friend is a great choice for a potential casual could-turn-to-more relationship. Are you sure you want to be husband-shopping if you're only newly single?

 

 

 

I agree!

 

Just have fun, don't go out looking for a husband & don't be too judgemental.

[InternationalPlayboy]

I agree with the previous two posters. Go and have fun.

 

But personally, I would want the passionate, world-ending, hold-onto-your-****ing-hat type romance at least at the beginning of a relationship. If you can be friends on top of that for years to come you're set.

[Buglemn]

I think for a good marriage to work you must be friends and really like the person that your with. Love will follow, but be cautious.

[yumbby]

Having a good friend in your relationship is wonderful, but make sure you have that spark as well, or you could just end up marrying " a buddy" and believe me, after years and years, you'll regret it.

[6of1]

I second what yumbby said--I'm right there in that very regret now. Check out the relationship and see where it goes--but make sure you feel a real spark. Make sure he is someone you'd be excited to introduce at a party. Make sure you find him interesting. Because nothing is worse than regretting it later when you have no spark--especially if you have children in the picture by that point. Trust me.

[Green]

In the begining fun should be in the forefront, let the more seriouse married with children talks come later.

 

You and this guy sound like you could be a good match why not mess around a little (no sex but kissing and touching... maybe dancing) then if things get seriouse you guys could make it a seriouse relationship.

[karnak]

I honestly don't think it would turn out OK. Marriages based on "rationality" never work in the long run.

 

And it seems you're really not in love with him. You're just emotionally lacking. Unless you want a pragmatic, business-type marriage. There sure are plenty of those nowadays.

[Afishwithabike]

Having a good friend in your relationship is wonderful, but make sure you have that spark as well, or you could just end up marrying " a buddy" and believe me, after years and years, you'll regret it.

 

This.

 

I married my best friend from college and we've been married for ten years. I had been attracted to him from the beginning so the spark was there all along. We were both in love with each other when we got married. We're still in love with each other. I had other male friends in college who were strictly friends. I had no sexual attraction to them at all. I couldn't imagine being married to someone who was strictly a platonic friend.

 

You said you had a fling with him in the past. Why not revive it and see what happens.

 

Don't get married if you're not in love with the person even if they seem ideal otherwise. Don't get scared that you may not find a husband. Being single isn't so bad and really you're still young.