I am falling apart - can I take it?

[RecordProducer]

I have been depressed for a long time, ever since I realized my marrriage was falling apart. I am alone in this country, I just don't feel like living anymore. I am so tired. I want to die now.

[whichwayisup]

Aww sweets, nice to see you again but sorry to hear you're depressed..

 

You have so much talent, you're a beautiful woman, a wonderful mother and have a huge heart! Remember that!!

 

Don't give up RP, ever. Things seem bad now, but it will get better.

 

Maybe it's time to reach out and go talk to someone about how you're feeling, a therapist.

[2sunny]

big hugs RP!!! nice to "see" you here.

 

when i feel this way... i go DO things for others... it lifts my spirits! it helps ME to not think about ME so much!

 

it gets me out of myself! try it!

[RecordProducer]

Thanks, WWIU and 2sunny, I appreciate it. The thing is I have so much to do (like study) and I can't focus. I'm drowning in tears and booze. BTW, I am officially divorced now, but the divorce decree is not the reason for my depression. I can't stand that an average man, almost two decades older dumped me for no reason. Now he's living with his mom! She moved into his house, as if just to stay for a few days (it's been six months now and she ain't going anywhere) and he can't tell her to leave. We used to see each other until she moved into his house, then he told me "If you come over, what am I gonna tell my mom???" He also told me "If I have sex with you, you're gonna tell my mom and my cousin!!!" This was while we were still officially married. I can't believe a grown man, in his 50s, would NOT sleep with his wife because his mom is going to find out.

 

This same mom abused him when he was a child - she beat the crap out of him, she was strict, she didn't allow him anything fun, and she yelled at his dad, insulted him, and threatened him with divorce every single day. This same mom told me she wanted to divorce her husband since day one but stayed with him until she was able to leave - meaning until she got her master's degree, a full-time job, bought herself a house and got herself a young lover. This same woman was telling me to leave, go to school, work, support myself and my kids just like she did. Hell, she did. In fact, she had a third child that she tossed to my husband and his twin brother while she was going to work and school.

 

I don't even know why I am writing about her. I am so angry at all these people who hurt me. There's also a friend of my hubby's who comes to his house to sleep there (she is not a GF), she is older than him and he thinks she is a good friend, but he doesn't realize that she is trying to use him for money - she just got divorced, and she wants to move in with him when she sells the house, and she wants him to support her. Why do I care? Because my sons live with him 50% of the time and they can't stand this woman, but they don't have the guts to tell him.

 

This same woman tried to ruin our marriage when we were still together. My ex has a way of thinking that this is a compliment - he doesn't get it that people who do such things have no respect for you and would turn their back on you at anytime because they're selfish ass holes.

 

Three days ago was his step-mother's birthday. His step-mother is a woman who looks like a lady but is anything BUT a lady: all she ever talks about is gossip and shopping. She hasn't read one book in her life, nor is she aware that there is such a thing as books in this world. Letters and numbers exist to write checks only, and yet everybody treats her like a lady because she is "acting" like a lady, meaning she is acting like a queen who needs to be respected, served, and bowed before. Well, I call twice between 8 and 9 p.m. and nobody picks up the phone. Fine, I don't care.

 

But my phone rings at 10:15 p.m. and she tells me, "I didn't pick up the phone when you called because we had guests." I wanted to tell her: you piece of s*it with no manners, you're so dumb, but I just used the occasion when she asked me how I was doing to tell her that my law school was going great and that the judge I was working for this summer asked me to continue to work for her because I was doing a good job - which is all true, by the way. I just wanted to let those cockroaches know that I have more value than they even though I am not driving a Mercedes and don't live in a fancy house.

[jerbear]

Hi RP!

 

I see what you're going to and would suggest this.

 

Let go of your past slowly, it is hard and quite frankly very annoying to have a mother in law that has a strong influence over her son. It is really annoying to hear that having sex with your wife, the mother would know and cousins would know.

 

Continue to move forward with your law school and work with the judge. Focus on your kids, school work, and future.

[RecordProducer]

Continue to move forward with your law school and work with the judge. Focus on your kids, school work, and future.

Thanks, Jerbear. I know this is the best advice. I don't know why I am destroying myself and sabotaging my own life. I just feel so lonely. Now that I have achieved so much (thus far), I don't have the strength to continue. I am so tired.

[skydiveaddict]

I have been depressed for a long time, ever since I realized my marrriage was falling apart. I am alone in this country, I just don't feel like living anymore. I am so tired. I want to die now.

 

 

I would go see your doc right away if I were you

[RecordProducer]

Sky, a doctor is just going to give me medications, cuz that's what doctors do. I don't want to poison myself with chemicals. I guess there's still some stoic side in me that wants to get through this the oldfashioned way. The thing is, if I met someone today, I would immediately get out of this mental state.

 

I am just so tired of having so many enemies in my life (mostly connected with my ex in some way) and no family or friends nearby, other than my kids, but they're kids - they need to be taken care of, not vice versa. I am hoping that my mom will join me in a few months though; her immigrant visa is pending.

 

My ex always puts me down and talks to me in a condescending way. He tells me that everything I have in my life is thanks to him, that he owes me or my kids nothing and all he does is "from the kindness of my heart" [citing him]! I think what I've gone through in the past few years is not a joke. I've been all alone in this country, taking his and his family's crap, and I found a way to go on, I enrolled in law school, and I am fighting my own demons, too. It's easy for him to look down at me from his million-dollar worth brand new house, his airplane and fat bank account, with so many "real" friends (who all benefit financially from him), with his father living in the same street, his mother living in the same house--to look at me and say "You wasted six years of my life!"

 

If a divorced marriage is a waste of time, then he wasted his entire life, because I am his thrid ex-wife. He met me when he was 47. Plus, we only lived together for three years, so it's not six years, but that's not the point. I fell in love with him because I gave him a chance with me. If I were American, I would not have gone on a date with him ever. He can't come close to a woman like me, even with all of his money.

 

I can't stand the way he talks to me. I can't stand that I still depend on him in some ways (the kids love him and live with him half the time). Why doesn't someone just shake him and tell him, "Dude, girls like her don't go out with guys like you - you should kiss the ground she walks on, cuz you'll never find a woman like her who will love you. All the others just want your money and you're not even attracted to them."

 

But hey, nobody wants to see a rich man happy! Nobody is going to give him the advice they give their poor friends. They all want to see the rich man cry. After all, the fewer wives in his life, the more money left for them. Even his own mother, she doesn't care that he will never be able to bring a woman in his house with his mom hanging around. All she cares about is that she gets to live with him. She told me a few years ago that she can't be alone. She even tried to live with her son's ex-wife #2 (the ex-wife needed help with math). After she tried to live with her much younger lovers and none of them was good enough, she found a solution to her problem: why not live with her son. She'll make sure I am out of his house and life and no one will be there to kick her out.

 

I am just so hurt and humiliated. I can't stand injustice, I can't stand fake people, I can't stand people who walk on bodies to achieve their petty goals. My ex is surrounded with such people and he can't see it. Here's an example: an old "friend" emerged from the "dead" after she hasn't contacted my ex for like 15 years. All of a sudden, she declared him her best friend of whom she has thought throughout the years. He even showed me the email, telling me 'See? She appreciates me. People don't change over time." (as if I need someone else to tell me about his character, some lost friend, as if I can't form my own opinion - good or bad - after being married to him).

 

I thought something was fishy about that email and guess what: she needed money. And he gave it to her. $50,000!!! She sent him $500 once and when she saw that he didn't say "no, it's a gift, honey," she stopped paying back the "loan." She came to his house, used it as a hotel, he drove her to some seminar (she is a doctor and lives on the other side of the country) two hours back and forth - twice. And he still says she is a good friend. Who wouldn't be? He has other friends like that, too. But he tells me that I am using him. I was his wife, goddamnit!

[skydiveaddict]

Sky, a doctor is just going to give me medications, cuz that's what doctors do. I don't want to poison myself with chemicals. I guess there's still some stoic side in me that wants to get through this the oldfashioned way. The thing is, if I met someone today, I would immediately get out of this mental state.

 

 

More power to you then. I hope your way works.

I'm just going by what you said, that you are "falling apart" and "want to die". If you are serious, feelings like this can easily spin out of control. And you can end up in a big mess before you realize it.

Edited October 25, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[RecordProducer]

More power to you then. I hope your way works.

I'm just going by what you said, that you are "falling apart" and "want to die". If you are serious, feelings like this can easily spin out of control. And you can end up in a big mess before you realize it.

Yes, you are right. I am not going to kill myself or anything like that, but yes, I am already a mess. When I feel lonely, I drink and then I feel even worse. What just came to my mind is that my ex-husband also probably feels the way I do. I mean, he is still angry at me and he's still playing games, which means he cares. He is not indifferent, he just wants me to think that he's moving on. He's not angry at his two other ex-wives.

 

And I think he's using his friend just to make me jealous, although he's telling me that she's just a friend. A few days ago, I was coming back from school and he told me he and the kids were in Taco Bell and will be there for another 20 minutes or so. This sounded to me like an invitation (because a few days before that we all went to dinner together), in that it sounded to me like he was hoping I'd show up. I don't know why I had this intuitive feeling, but you know when you feel in somebody's voice what they're up to. Well, I didn't go, but the kids told me later that this friend showed up there. By the way, I hate her and he knows that. She tried to ruin our marriage when we still lived together and were trying to work things out. She was giving him presents and tried to pursuade him to go to NYC with her - knowing that he was working on his marriage(!!), but he said no. He's using her to make me jealous, I just realized that. She is dumb, older than him, and ugly, but she always brings him food and they're like best buddies. But I know him, he likes female attention, but he can't possibly enjoy her company, she's a boring old lady.

 

Anyhoo, apparently he wanted me to show up at Taco Bell while she was there. I mean, c'mon! You know your ex-wife hates this woman, you know a public scandal might ensue, and you tell your ex-wife where exactly you are with your friend?!?! Even two of my sons' friends were with them! A normal person would not mention where he is. So, knowing me and knowing that I might start a fight with her, he obviously wanted to cause a scandal. That would've fed his ego - the more embarassing the better. She sleeps in his house after dancing nights (she lives 1.5 hrs from the club and he's 15 min away), and whenever I see her car in his driveway, I don't even enter the driveway; I just unload the kids in the street.

 

Once I came to his house and didn't know she was there, but I smiled and shook her hand and said "Nice to meet you." But another time, when I was supposed to pick up the kids at 9 pm (it was their dancing night), she also showed up at the same time and I got out of the car and told him in front of her "How convenient! You told us both to come at 9 o'clock just to make me jealous. I'm not jealous of THAT woman!" In fact, it wasn't quite true that he told us both to come at 9, but he knew we would probably meet and didn't try to stop it. Of course, she's playing his game and only a scumbag would try to make somebody's wife jealous. I mean, we've only been officially divorced for about a month and a half. She knows I was coming to his house. I would never stand in between two married people. It doesn't matter if they're separated. If they are still seeing each other, the marriage is not over.

 

I told her to stay away from my husband long time ago. She, instead of saying "Hey, we're just friends, you have nothing to worry about," she hung up on me. She brought him a framed picture of the two of them and he put it on his office desk (in his house). The picture is turned away from him (so a visitior would see it, but not him while he's sitting at his desk) - apparently he can't even look at her. I mean, if I care about someone, I will want to look at their picture, it's not like he has any visitors in his office. But the thing is, he put the picture there because of me - to make me jealous. And the funny thing is, she can't have him because he doesn't want her, so all she can get from him is make his ex-wife (me) jealous. It's kinda like telling people how rich you are so they can anvy you and you're dirt poor. What's the point? At the end of the day, she is friendzoned by him and he sure won't masturbate thinking of her. But she is not after his ass, I know that. She's after his money. Everybody seems to want to have a rich friend. Everybody who's a scumbag-loser-parasite, that is.

 

She just got divorced, too and she is selling her house. She had a nice house with her ex, two incomes, two grown kids living out-of-state. Now she will have to rent an apartment, work 'till she gets old, and have nothing but a car and furniture. So, my guess is: she will ask him to stay at his house for a few days until she finds an apartment. He will say OK, of course. Then she will start spending her money on him so that he doesn't tell her to leave. And before you know it, she will be living with him. Then she will quit her job and tell him she got laid off, and before you know it, he will be supporting her. She is a night owl, she loves to dance and stay up at night - people like that don't like getting up every morning for work. She is 56 (he's 53), she is probably hoping that he will support her for the rest of her life (and help her kids). That's a two-million $ value that she is hoping to get from him. I told him any woman will take 2 mil. over your cute ass, don't think she is a friend or cares about you. In any case, now that I warned him, he probably won't let her fool him. The kids can't stand her either. If she moves in, they'll move out.

 

Urgh... I'm just rambling... why can't I just let it all go?

[chadmc1979]

My wife just left me three days ago.we have been together for 7 yrs and married for 6 months. here is the story....

 

I love her with all my heart. I also didn't know how to listen to what she was trying to say and concentrated on the words that she was saying. I got layed off from my job about a year ago and was only thinking of myself and depression. She told me multiple times that I needed to get a job. by all means we were not struggling she has a good job and I was pulling in a fair amount on unemployment. then she finally said you need to get a job or im devorcing you. I knew then she ment business and lit a fire in my pants and I went out applyed and in a week had a job. now that I have this job she tells me that it was to late and she is leaving cause she "isnt in love with me" she loves me but not "in love" also in this conversation she also told me that she had been confiding in a M co-worker going thru a simular situation for about a month behind my back. She says all it is, is talking and that there is nothing more. I talked to another co-worker of hers that we bolth know and was told that it wasnt true that they have been fooling around for a couple of weeks. I have tried to confront her and get the truth and she is lying not only to me but her family. It's not that I believe this other person over her I have proof of this actually happening. She says we will not be back together but she isnt going to file for a devorce. So I guess what Im asking is. do you think its over? I can forgive her for this and completely understand why it is happening. If she really believed that is done between us, wouldnt she just tell me the truth in whats going on? or is she not willing to admit to her family that is completely mad at her. and as long as she doesnt admit it no one else will get hurt or me getting hurt more... Im so confused and would like some opinions.

[Gunny376]

The way that I see it ~ and I could be wrong ~ that the source of your depression isn't you XHEX, nor his mother, nor his step-mother.

 

The source of your depression is that you've no other social network other than them.

 

You've got law school, you've got your 'internship' with the judge from this last summer, you've got your classmates, your co-workers (neither of which are a good source of 'true' friends.

 

Let me take a wild guess?

 

You go to class, you go to work, you go shopping for groceries ~ whatever, you've got your children (which is another full time job + taking care of your household chores and bills) + you hit the books after you feed and bath the children until you can't do it anymore.

 

No freaking eagle ****e your depressed?

 

I know!

 

I use to do the same thing!

 

You don't have to go and see a psychologist, but you do need to see you primary care giver. You need to see about getting on antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs ~ "Happy pills" if you were.

 

They will help you to cope and manage the current stress in your life ~ help you concentrate and focus (Actually ~ my best advice would be to drop out of law school and work on getting your life straightened out ~ Trouble is? Once you drop out? Its HELL getting building that moumention back up to get back in?)

 

Barring that Girl ~ you need to get a life! Other than and outside of the XHEX and his toxic realm of influence.

 

You need to create your own circle of influence and friends ~ on many different levels, ~ be it intellectual (law school ~ academic), social (Just having some good girl friends to go shopping with and to do "girly things with), spiritual (going to church)

 

There's more to life than working to live? Work to live ~ not live to work. Which is basically what your doing. Even though your still in law school.

 

I see it everyday ~ people "Hell bent for leather (Which in Western lore means cowboys riding a horse as fast and hard as they they can) trying to out do the next door neighbors.

 

Me? I'm down sizing ~ I'm getting out of the rat race.

[whichwayisup]

My wife just left me three days ago.we have been together for 7 yrs and married for 6 months. here is the story....

 

I love her with all my heart. I also didn't know how to listen to what she was trying to say and concentrated on the words that she was saying. I got layed off from my job about a year ago and was only thinking of myself and depression. She told me multiple times that I needed to get a job. by all means we were not struggling she has a good job and I was pulling in a fair amount on unemployment. then she finally said you need to get a job or im devorcing you. I knew then she ment business and lit a fire in my pants and I went out applyed and in a week had a job. now that I have this job she tells me that it was to late and she is leaving cause she "isnt in love with me" she loves me but not "in love" also in this conversation she also told me that she had been confiding in a M co-worker going thru a simular situation for about a month behind my back. She says all it is, is talking and that there is nothing more. I talked to another co-worker of hers that we bolth know and was told that it wasnt true that they have been fooling around for a couple of weeks. I have tried to confront her and get the truth and she is lying not only to me but her family. It's not that I believe this other person over her I have proof of this actually happening. She says we will not be back together but she isnt going to file for a devorce. So I guess what Im asking is. do you think its over? I can forgive her for this and completely understand why it is happening. If she really believed that is done between us, wouldnt she just tell me the truth in whats going on? or is she not willing to admit to her family that is completely mad at her. and as long as she doesnt admit it no one else will get hurt or me getting hurt more... Im so confused and would like some opinions.

 

Sorry for your pain..

 

You should start your own thread so others can help you through this, and also get more replies...

 

RP, I completely understand the no drugs thing, if you can do without, that's great!

 

Consider talk therapy (CBT, or something like that) to help you cope with all that's going on around you and what's going on inside of you..

[PWSX3]

RP, I am so sorry to hear the bad news.......

 

Trying to look at the good side, now you have time to write some new songs & you have material to write about....

 

I agree with Gunny (Welcome Gunny haven't seen you around for a while) you need to start getting new healthy friends around you, maybe joining a woman's group of some sort.

 

Well maybe first thing is stop the drinking, that has never helped anyone.

 

I wish you the best it's not easy but YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

 

HUGS!!!

[quankanne]

the judge I was working for this summer asked me to continue to work for her because I was doing a good job feckin' A, RP – this is fantastic! I'm so proud of you, kiddo

 

as for the other shxt in your life – and believe me, it's all just shxt – start letting it go bit by bit. Your ex and his women (including his mama) are just pitiful, considering how old he is and the fact that he STILL hasn't done anything to improve himself or his situation. He might be rich, yes, and he might have people who "admire" (read: use) him for his money, but beyond that, he's never going to amount to anything in the ways that matter most. He isn't going to grow as a person, he isn't going to have any kind of spiritual or emotional epiphany when he chooses to remain frozen in that poor little abused me mentality ...

 

you, on the other hand, are incredible. I mean it. Here you are, a single mom who took a chance to come to this country, who has had to put up with your ex's bullshxt (and his family's), who dug in and started over when the marriage started falling apart and who is considered star material by the judge she works for. We see those good qualities in you, I wish you'd let yourself see them, too, instead of being blinded by the crap surrounding your ex. If anything, pity him for miring himself in such an unhappy life; he had the chance to change, to grow, but refused to do so, while you busted your *ss to roll with the punches life dealt, so to speak.

 

you're a very special gal, RP, someone that a lot of us old-timers admire and love because you're such a lively spirit. Don't let some jackass – or his family – steal that from you just because they are jealous of that. We love you, and we're here for you. Now, go knock 'em dead, kiddo!

 

XXX,

quank

[JamesM]

feckin' A, RP – this is fantastic! I'm so proud of you, kiddo

 

as for the other shxt in your life – and believe me, it's all just shxt – start letting it go bit by bit. Your ex and his women (including his mama) are just pitiful, considering how old he is and the fact that he STILL hasn't done anything to improve himself or his situation. He might be rich, yes, and he might have people who "admire" (read: use) him for his money, but beyond that, he's never going to amount to anything in the ways that matter most. He isn't going to grow as a person, he isn't going to have any kind of spiritual or emotional epiphany when he chooses to remain frozen in that poor little abused me mentality ...

 

you, on the other hand, are incredible. I mean it. Here you are, a single mom who took a chance to come to this country, who has had to put up with your ex's bullshxt (and his family's), who dug in and started over when the marriage started falling apart and who is considered star material by the judge she works for. We see those good qualities in you, I wish you'd let yourself see them, too, instead of being blinded by the crap surrounding your ex. If anything, pity him for miring himself in such an unhappy life; he had the chance to change, to grow, but refused to do so, while you busted your *ss to roll with the punches life dealt, so to speak.

 

you're a very special gal, RP, someone that a lot of us old-timers admire and love because you're such a lively spirit. Don't let some jackass – or his family – steal that from you just because they are jealous of that. We love you, and we're here for you. Now, go knock 'em dead, kiddo!

 

XXX,

quank

 

What she said. Couldn't have said it better.

 

I don't know if you are still checking in, but I am sad to hear that you are depressed and frustrated. It seems that you have so much going for you and yet...you seem to get caught up in your almost past.

 

Focus on the future. It actually looks quite bright from my objective POV. Letting go of the past is probably the only way you will be able to focus on the future.

 

You are divorced now and yet you seem to be focusing on the man that made your life miserable.