Why is he getting angrier?

[tobydog]

Long story short, married 14 years, a 4 year old son. I started a business that stbx ran and it grew well. I teach so had no time to help him. I also like a drink 2 x per week. He had a drunk and violent father and hated it but I was never violent. He has no friends and never went out. But we live in a lovely house and had done well. He then started a part time job in his mother's partner's club and got some new friends that he was out with all the time, came in at 2am and we had a fight. I thumped him but have never been that way at all.

He left 6 weeks ago and has hardly seen our boy who we waited 8 years for. Then despite total denials that there is another woman involved, it turns out there is. There were rumours going around about them for weeks, his mum told me and all the pieces fell into place. Someone who has a loose reputation etc. He is living with her but denies it. But we know he is! He says she is someone else's g/friend. Then this weekend he took my car and went up to Scotland with her. Yes I snooped on FB to find this out. He does nothing but lie and said he needed it to move into a flat. Prior to all this starting 2 months ago he was a lovely decent man. Now his business is going down the pan. He brought the car back tonight, spent 5 mins with his son and blamed me for ruining his life. Saying my drinking had ruined his life and now he has nothing. He hates me and is getting angrier. I still love him and I poited out that I had bailed him out of loads of debt and got the business idea for him.

Shouldn't he be calming down by now? And recognising that we need him and love him. He is threatening to go for full custody.

I did send him an email last night, I know I shouldn't have, telling him to get that fat infected old slag out of my car. He is beyond livid and it's all getting too nasty for me now. I am very depressed cuz of all the plans we had and the holidays coming up etc but anti depressants are staring to help and I am feeling stronger. Everyone is disgusted even his own mother. Why is he getting angrier? He says he will move the last of his stuff out tomorrow and I will be glad. Can he get full custody? Thanks guys for any info. Oh he has already filed for divorce.

[tobydog]

Please give me some advice x

[just_some_guy]

Your guy grew up the child of an alcoholic. You like to drink, he doesn't at all. This goes on for years.

 

Do you see a conflict here?

 

Another hint: You started a business, left him responsible for it.

 

Things go on, he has a change of situation and begins to move emotionally outside of your marriage. He drags in late one night, you have a fight and by your words, "thumped him."

 

Hmm.

 

Now he says your drinking has ruined his life.

 

Well, I can say that he is most likely an "al-anon" and an adult survivor of alcoholism. Whether you are an alcoholic or not, he seems to have associated you with that.

 

If you want to try and recover this relationship, it is going to take a lot of work, starting with understanding whether or not YOU have a drinking problem or possibly are an alcoholic. Given his history, it is likely salvaging this relationship will probably include becoming a completely non-drinking household. Not a drop. You may also find some substantial help in joining an AA group. For his part, joining an Al-Anon group would likely be helpful.

 

Most likely, you will need professional help from a marriage therapist. Each of you will likely need help from separate individual counselors.

 

That is, if you are both willing to try, make the changes, face the issues openly and honestly.

 

That you have a child together is an imperative to work on this.

[tobydog]

Thanks for the reply

I am not an alcoholic at all. Just need a couple of drinks 2x per week. My little escape from the pressure. I have a full time job as a teacher and he gave up his job to run the business. He loved and it thrived but now is going down the pan.

I have stopped drinking, I don't need to now as he is not shouting all the time and I never would with me and my son. He has big unresolved issues, I am ill and poorly and don't know what to do. He is so angry with me.

I am seeing my therapist tomorrow. He won't consider this at all.

It can't be all my fault, when I met him he had nothing, now he has a lovely house and a 4 year old son who we had 4 atempts at IVF for.

He has literally walked out of our life. Now things fall into place and he has another old bag, a real slapper who had no morals as she has done this before. I am ill, lost 2 stone, cannot eat and am permanently cold. Debbie Leeds UK He has not seen his son either

[just_some_guy]

Thanks for the reply

I am not an alcoholic at all. Just need a couple of drinks 2x per week. My little escape from the pressure. I have a full time job as a teacher and he gave up his job to run the business. He loved and it thrived but now is going down the pan.

I have stopped drinking, I don't need to now as he is not shouting all the time and I never would with me and my son. He has big unresolved issues, I am ill and poorly and don't know what to do. He is so angry with me.

I am seeing my therapist tomorrow. He won't consider this at all.

It can't be all my fault, when I met him he had nothing, now he has a lovely house and a 4 year old son who we had 4 atempts at IVF for.

He has literally walked out of our life. Now things fall into place and he has another old bag, a real slapper who had no morals as she has done this before. I am ill, lost 2 stone, cannot eat and am permanently cold. Debbie Leeds UK He has not seen his son either

 

In my narrow view of the world, when the words "need" and "drink" are in the same sentence, that's a big red flag that says alcoholism is possible. The other big red flag is externalizing the reason for drinking, as I highlighted above. That's two big red flags. Hmmm.

 

That you have completely stopped drinking is a positive. There are many dry-alcoholics out there. They just go into remission, but the disease of alcoholism is latent and always ready to return and it has an effect on life. I found this out with my first wife. There are many once-a-week alcoholics and many high-functioning alcoholics. Alcoholic does not mean sleeping in a cardboard box under a bridge. Most alcoholics are high functioning, above average intelligence, hold down good jobs and so on.

 

My suggestion would be to make a commitment to visit 6 AA meetings, read the steps and commit to an honest and full self-evaluation. If after 6, you see no reason to continue then stop. It will not hurt you one bit if you are not an alcoholic and you may find the meetings helpful for personal growth.

 

Is the break-up your fault? No. It takes two to tango. You had a part in it, and he had a part in it.

 

If he is unwilling to work on the marriage, then it is up to you take the responsibility for putting your own life back together to provide a safe and healthy environment for your child. That probably includes getting papers filed for support orders and everything else.