Reconciliation List

[Don Ho]

I'm not a fan of second chances because they typically end up with the Dumpee getting dumped again and I think the Dumpees most often are holding on to false hope of getting back together. However, I have this list I was working on (based largely on another LS Members thread) for those of you that want to know how to act and what to do IF a Dumper contacts you and really wants you back. Before you read this, you should probably take a look at No Foolin's thread:

 

"Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk": http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/.

 

Also there's Caliguy's, "Guide to second chances": http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/

 

and Caliguy's "No Contact Guide": http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/.

 

This should give you PLENTY to read and think about. Ironically, my list turns out to be 12 steps:

 

 

1. ACT HAPPY

Don’t show any signs of being sad or depressed in front of them. This doesn’t mean going up to them and saying “my life’s fabulous now I’m sooo glad we’re finished”. It just means you should put on an appearance that everything is fine and dandy. This is an especially important rule if your ex found you to be clingy. No one wants to feel like they’re responsible for someone else's happiness, so show them that they’re not. You don’t need them to be happy.

 

2. DO NOT BRING UP THE RELATIONSHIP!

As above under ‘stop questioning them’. If they happen to bring up any relationship type talk, it’s ok to engage if you think you can both do it in a calm collected manner. If not or if it drags on without going anywhere, it’s best to just to divert and go back to normal, friendly chit chat or make your excuses and exit the conversation (in a polite way). If they’re constantly on the phone to you crying over what’s gone on but show no sign whatsoever in wanting to reconcile, they’re just stringing you along and you can’t let them.

 

3. DON'T ARGUE

Arguing closes off lines of communication which is not what you want to do when you’re trying to open them up or keep them open. The more you fight, the more you criticise, the more they defend themselves, the more they back off the less they think of you and the more they think they’ve made the right decision to leave you. Stop arguing, keep your emotions in check!

 

4. DON’T REACT TO THEIR HOSTILITY

It’s not unknown for dumpers to react in a cold or hostile way to the dumpee after a break up even when the dumpee hasn’t done anything to deserve it, especially when they have a new person!! The natural thing to do is react angrily to this and demand to know why you’re being treated unfairly. I don’t know why the dumper feels this need to be cruel but I do know that when you react to it, you just make matters worse. Quite often you don’t get an answer for their behavior and the more you push the more hostile and distant they get. If they tell you that you can’t pick up the rest of your stuff from their place because they’re too busy, just tell them “that’s fine, we can sort that out another time”. You’re easy going, you’re cool, you’re calm and that should hopefully force your ex to stop fighting and start acting rationally.

 

5. FAKE INDIFFERENCE

Fake indifference about the breakup. It’s not what you wanted but it was their decision so that’s ok with you. Obviously it’s not ok, but acting like you care too much is unlikely to work. Especially if they’ve told you there’s no chance they’ll change their mind and want you back. They’ve broken up with you and they’re totally unfazed by the whole thing. You on the other hand are heartbroken, confused, hurt and angry. You cry, you get upset and you give off the impression that you’re desperate and you need them. You push and you push and you push and they back further and further away. When you act indifferent to the break up you stop becoming needy and instead come across as a mature rational person who although didn’t want the break up is willing to accept it and refuses to dwell.

 

6. STOP TELLING THEM YOU LOVE THEM

When they’ve dumped you and you’re saying “I love you” you’re trying to claw them back into a relationship they don’t want to be in. You’re saying to them I need you, I want you, please give me what I’m looking for. As far as they’re concerned it’s all done and dusted and you’re just grasping at straws. You can’t force someone to feel what they don’t feel. They don’t love you anymore, that’s fine. You’re backing off. There’s no pressure and you’re not gonna tell them you love them because although you’d like to have them you don’t need them.

 

7. STOP QUESTIONING THEM

Don’t ask them what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, what they thinking about the break up, if they’ve noticed how much you’ve changed. This can be very intimidating to people and it puts them on the defensive. Also if you keep asking them and they keep having to explain what they feel they’ve already explained, they’re gonna start getting annoyed with you and want less and less to do with you. Take off the pressure and watch them feel more at ease.

 

8. STOP CRITICIZING & COMPLAINING

Don’t blame them for the break up, don’t complain about what they did wrong in the relationship. It’s fine to talk to let off steam to others about this (just don’t do it too often otherwise your friends will dump you) but if you want to reconcile with your ex, don’t criticize. Judging them and chipping away at them is not gonna keep the lines of communication open. If you wanna discuss the ins and outs of what you both did wrong in the relationship, chances are you’ll have that talk if you get back together. Now is not the time.

 

9. DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE THEM TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY

People don’t like to be told what to think and feel. It’s a form of control and who likes to be controlled? Nobody. They already know how they feel, they’ve made their decision and the more you try to persuade them otherwise, the more they’ll dig in their heels. Don’t try to convince them that you’re so wonderful, the perfect BF or GF and why they should love you and feel a certain way. You’re just pushing and it will push them away. Also, when you try to persuade them to feel differently you’re insulting them because they think you’re questioning their judgement and decision. That’s not going to help your cause.

 

10. DON'T GIVE THE IMPRESSION YOU'RE WAITING AROUND

If you keep letting them know that you’re there if they ever change their mind, you’re nothing but a pushover and a sap. Every time you give off that impression you’re saying I can’t get anyone else, I have low self esteem, I’ll be your plan B, I’m willing to accept whatever breadcrumb you throw in my direction. Not very attractive to a potential mate. This attitude doesn’t give of confidence or sex appeal. You’re absolutely no challenge to them anymore. They don’t even have to try. Boring! Best to tell them or give them the impression that you’re out having fun, seeing people of the opposite sex and moving on.

 

11. TRY NEW THINGS

If you’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut in your life, now’s the time to get out of it. One of the reasons your ex may have left you is boredom. Everyone has things they’ve been putting off doing or have always wanted to do but have never had the time. Now’s the time to take action. Now your partner has gone you probably have that extra bit of spare time to try some new things and show your ex that you’re not as boring and predictable as they thought you were. It could be anything at all. Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn to drive, or learn a language or visit some far flung city or take cooking lessons. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s something you want to do. Your new found confidence that you’ve gained from your new skill/new experience will be alluring and you’ll find yourself having more to talk about which will make you more interesting too.

 

12. TANTALIZE, REASSURE & WORRY THEM

Tantalise them, reassure them and worry them. Tantalise means your new found confidence, your looks, your conversational skills or whatever it was that your ex was attracted to in the beginning. Tantalising them means alluring them back to you but in an indirect sort of way. You don’t want them to know that all this effort is for them! Reassuring means making sure they realise you’re not gonna be needy, you’re not gonna be possessive, you wont be jealous and you’re not desperate to win them back. Worry means worrying them that they might lose you. Don’t tell them they might lose you, just go out and date and don’t let them know that nobody else compares to them. If you do that they’ll know you’re effectively just waiting in the wings. Reverse the roles and hopefully when they know someone else is cozying up to you they’ll start to wonder what they’ve thrown away.

Edited October 24, 2010 by Don Ho

[Gt.ooh]

Wow, if that isn't enough info about this kind of ordeal for us..I don't know where else you'd get it! Kudos to all you guys.. Put a big smile on my face in a time when I was down.

[Don Ho]

That's good Bro! LOTS of reading in all the threads and good advice to follow.

[Nkognito]

This should be a sticky with all the references it has and insightful information! Thanks Don!

[alwaysoverthinking]

Well, I recently received a second chance back in August, and in fact, she basically came running back to me. And after reading this, I think I made several mistakes. However, one thing I would add is this...

 

Make sure they are clear that they want to pursue a relationship with you. They have to commit to it first.

 

Also, the faking indifference thing is huge. I cannot stress that enough. Get a hobby. Dive into work. Don't be available. Make them seek you out every time. When I got my second chance, I told myself that I would never initiate contact with this girl again, and that she would have to chase me. It worked for awhile. However, if there was infidelity, make sure that you are secure in trusting this person. Be honest with yourself. I wasn't, and when there were hiccups or changes in the level of communication, I assumed that the pattern that was there previously was repeating itself. Lesson learned. When a girl gets distant, you disappear. Remember, you are the one giving them a second chance, not the other way around, even though in your heart, you may feel like you are getting a second shot. I was pretty much over her the first time. Now that the second time has faded, it's worse, because I got more invested.

Of course, In my situation, I just don't think she was really quite over her ex. And also, it was long distance, which makes the whole indifference/making them chase thing a little more difficult, because you have to talk in those situations.

[Don Ho]

Good advice Bro. I think many people spend so much time trying to get an Ex back if the opportunity comes up, they are so excited, they don't think and don't have a plan on how to proceed with the situation. A reconciliation plan and using it, I think is key to if you will be successful. BTW, if they cheat on you, MOVE ON. A leopard never changes his spots and you will be cheated on again.

[whatadeer26]

I like alway's addition. If your second chance comes this may be the hardest to follow. Do not chase them and do not jump right back into a relationship with them. Let it come slow and steady. It will help you gauge their intentions and help you think clearly. This is a horrible analogy, but I think it paints the best picture.

 

Think of it like the Jews rescued from Nazi Prison Camps. They were starved and in horrible shape. If given the chance they would eat anything and everything infront of them. EATING THEMSELVES TO DEATH. If you watched band of brothers this was shown at the end where those rescued had to be on portion controled diets.

[alwaysoverthinking]

In my particular situation, we had gone out for around 3 months, had a hiccup when her ex kinda came back into the picture. But I took her at her word that he was no longer in play. And when we talked about it, I forgot that I should have been the one to make the rules and take it slow. Couldn't help it though. Neither one of us could. Problem was, it was long distance, and so when we weren't talking or things seemed to change, I figured it was the same pattern as before when he had re-appeared, and of course, my insecurity got the best of me and I pushed her away. That, and I forgot that I had to make her work for it. I had been over it before, but this time is awful because I got more invested, and I'm kicking myself because I know I should have done a ton of things differently. It really, really sucks. On day 23 of no contact.

[tgr172]

Don Ho,

Probably the best briefing on here on how to act. All is very accurate. It should be followed like a flight plan. One word of caution, and I think it needs to be mentioned, is it should be followed for quite a while. Many do it and it works then they fall back into the "comfort" zone (were back together and I dont need to do that anymore) WRONG! stick with it untill she is sure she is recommited and even then follow it at a some what lesser intensity. Think about it, if it worked then why throw it out the window.

 

To be honest it is more useful then the other guides because we are all looking to get back together, Think the other ones are somewhat draconian, but useful once it is definatly over.

 

Great guide DH!

[andrew-bkk]

4. DON’T REACT TO THEIR HOSTILITY

It’s not unknown for dumpers to react in a cold or hostile way to the dumpee after a break up even when the dumpee hasn’t done anything to deserve it, especially when they have a new person!!

 

The irony of it all!

 

We go through two or three of the worst weeks of our lives, and then get ignored or treated with hostility when we get back on our feet and start to move on.

 

How long does this hostility usually last?

[kaycstamper]

Wish I'd read all this before we had contact again. Oh well, it's good to keep in mind. Do you mind if I post it on my refrigerator?

[bl22]

great stuff Don as usual, I wish I knew all this a month ago instead of acting like a 'needy pussy' as you would have said and making things worse.

[alwaysoverthinking]

Well its been 25 days since my second chance went to complete crap. 25 days no contact. First date tonight. Perhaps this one won't be crazy. She's not 23, so that's a good start.

[freeshrink]

Worry means worrying them that they might lose you. Don’t tell them they might lose you, just go out and date and don’t let them know that nobody else compares to them. If you do that they’ll know you’re effectively just waiting in the wings. Reverse the roles and hopefully when they know someone else is cozying up to you they’ll start to wonder what they’ve thrown away.

 

Thanks Don for your summary. This last portion is crucial. If the dumper initiates a reconciliation attempt, then I am positive that they are curious if the dumpee is dating others. It is human nature, jealousy at its core. The dumpee should be evasive and mysterious, but should throw out little tidbits of information to the dumper that these other suitors have admirable traits.

 

The dumper must win back the heart of the dumpee. Always.