jwbrkr21 Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 we are getting married on may 1st. i guess i just had a question about something. we were staying with her parents doing some wedding planning. one night we went out, we were driving around trying to find something to do with a couple of her HS friends. they are a couple of real "pot-heads" so they started smoking up. my fiance asked me if she could too, i told her NO, and she continued to ask me over and over, i finally told her she could. she knows how firm i stand on this issue, and she has done it once before since we have been engaged (that time she acted like she had totally betrayed me when she told me about it) so i know that she knows how i feel about it. and we had discussed it several times before. so anyway...we end up going back to her parents. and not wanting to start a fight at her parents house, i let her go to bed, while i wrote her a 3 page letter telling her how disapointed in her i was....yadda yadda yadda. not wanting to just let the subject be forgotten. so the next morning we had a long drive home....nothing was ever mentioned, and i really wanted her to just tell me that she was sorry, that never came. and so this was about 4 days ago and havent said anything about it because i feel it will just start into an argument...and turn into being my fault. she is not very good at saying "im sorry" or admitting that she was wrong. i guess i just dont have that many people to turn to, to talk about stuff like this. she is the main person i talk to about my problems....and this time, she is my problem....any advice would be greatly appreciated....sorry for all the writing!! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 She has no responsibility to apologize to you. You let her do it, explicitly, in so many words. Tell her to knock the kindergarten crap off, and to not whine like a three year old when she doesn't get her way. Also, communicate. If something bothers you, don't assume she can read your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jwbrkr21 Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 ya ok.....first tell her to stop acting like a baby in front of her friends....ya that will be really good for me, should i just cancel the wedding altogether?? and how many times do i have to say no, for her to undestand that i didnt want her doing it. she shouldnt have even asked me, I KNOW that she knows how i feel about it. if shes doing this stuff when im sitting right next to her, how am i going to know what shes doing when shes in the same exact place next weekend, with the same exact people at the same exact places??? just because i did say yes.....doesnt mean that what she did was the right thing, god we went to some stupid high school party, and i must have gotten asked to smoke weed about 20 times....i still said NO. so all these "kids" went to one of the bedrooms to "smoke" my fiance asked me to go in there with her....and i told her i wouldnt. she got seriously pissed off at me because i wouldnt go into a room where a bunch of kids were smoking weed. im sorry, maybe ive seen drugs mess up alot of peoples lives. ive been there, ive done drugs, and ive almost lost it ALL in doing so. me and my fiance have a very close friend who basically almost died from drugs. now hes about ready to get out of rehab, and you know, its sad, i dont even want him in my house, he doesnt have a car, place to live, he lost the job that i got him, i just dont feel comfortable with someone like that in my home. you know....if my fiance expressed to me that she didnt want me drinking beer because she almost screwed up her life because of it...i wouldnt do it. and i wouldnt even attempt to ask her permission to do it, i wouldnt do it behind her back, i wouldnt do it with her right next to me if i begged her and she said yes. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 If you feel so strongly about the issue, are not able to communicate with her at any kind of 'satisfactory' level, and you don't trust her... perhaps you should not marry this girl? -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Pookette Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Have you told her WHY you feel so strongly about drugs? She knows that you are strongly against it, but I didn't really find anything that indicated she knows why you are against it. You must have told her at some point...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jwbrkr21 Posted March 6, 2004 Author Share Posted March 6, 2004 like i said before.....w had talked about why i was so against ANY kind of drug because i had come very close to ruinning my own life, and also i have seen too many friends go that route too. abd towards the begining of our relationship, she had told me that she respected the way that i felt, and she wouldnt do them anymore neither, for me, and we had talked about it many times since. but since....when she was 3 states away.....supposedly getting her bridesmaid dresses fitted/made......she had done drugs. and when she got back, from her little trip.....the way she started to tell me what she did, her tone of voice, her attitude.....the way she was saying everything, i almost thought she had cheated on me. she KNEW she had done something i totally disagree with. she KNEW what she did was wrong......i seriously did think she did cheat on me, before she told me that she actually did drugs......she was saying thngs like "okay, i know your going to go storming out of the room and never want to see me again" obviously that time she knew she had messed up pretty bad. jesus.....how hard is it ask someone to give up weed. ive given up so much more to be with my fiance. ive given up sex (ever since she had a ring on her finger, everybody knows that). ive given up a lifestyle i knew before i was with her. some of this stuff....i wasnt happy with giving up, but i knew that if i wanted her that bad, it would be worth it. ive given up a possible career. and shes given up.....well i cant think of anything except being a little hoochie....she always goes around telling people that i was the one who made her life straight. i was the one that made her a one man woman. ahhhhh screw it......i need someone real to talk to, not someone thats going to tell me to tell her off and tell her to stop acting like a spoiled brat.....wait, i mean a typical woman. half of the people in this forum are probably either 16.....or probably havent ever had a real relationship........... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 6, 2004 Share Posted March 6, 2004 ahhhhh screw it......i need someone real to talk to, not someone thats going to tell me to tell her off and tell her to stop acting like a spoiled brat.....wait, i mean a typical woman. half of the people in this forum are probably either 16.....or probably havent ever had a real relationship........... Wrong on all counts - REALLY, REALLY wrong on all counts. What is your problem? How many solutions are you looking for? Either you talk to her and resolve it - tell her that it's unacceptable and then get over it, or haul her to a counsellor, or decide she'll do it again and not marry her. There aren't that many options to consider so there's no point getting into a snit. Link to post Share on other sites
silversoulfly Posted March 6, 2004 Share Posted March 6, 2004 Are you beginning to see a pattern of her getting high whether you like it or not? You either need to accept this or call off the wedding, because this will continue. You may have been able to stop using drugs without any problem, but some people are less fortunate. She may have a problem with drugs, and only she can make the decision to quit. If she chooses to stop, she has to do it for herself- not because you don't like it. So it seems to me that you have three choices: you can call it off now. You can accept her-faults and all- and love her unconditionally. Or you can set yourself up for disappointment and resentment by believing that her behavior will be different in the future. The choice is yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Pookette Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 I was engaged to a guy who was hooked on weed. And meth and crack and morphine...whatever he could get. I left him. The choice is yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jwbrkr21 Posted March 7, 2004 Author Share Posted March 7, 2004 i dont think its a question of the drug abuse.....its more of a question of...hell, i dont know what it is. maybe its......i dont want her doing what she did when she was in high school. what if its a question about something WE had both agreed upon a long time ago. maybe its a question of her asking permission to do something i didnt want her to do. jesus....im a veteran......and every day, when i watch the news, i want to go back in. i want to go help my nation, and my fellow Marines. and every time i mention the thing to her, she threatens to cut off my trigger finger. so basically i drop it. so ive basicly come to the conclusion that, if i want her, and i want to keep her happy, that there are some sacrifices that i need to make. even though i have sworn to god, and made an oath to the president and the people of the united states to do more than just the average person. ive given up the fact that i probably will never see a desert again....especially one 5,000 miles away. so basically she knows how much the Marines mean to me......she knows that im disabled from seving my country...and obviously....id keep on doing it if given the chance.....but she wont give me that chance...and so i respect that, i respect that she wouldnt want me in harms way. so i pretty much keep it to myself!! maybe she has little dreams to smoke weed every now and then....maybe all of us do now and then, maybe my parents do too.....but we dont act of them. jesus.....if i acted on every single dream or wish that i ever had....i dont know where id be...i dont know where that would be.....you cant tell me that i am the only one in the whole world that has given up a lifestyle.....something they wanted to be...since they were 8 years old...to be with the one they love...i cant even name the things ive given up....they are beyond words.....because i love her...and i respect her feelings......its not like she's addicted.....but she cant say no to her loser friends that cant live without getting some kind of drug in their system every day. i thought she was more grown up than that. i thought that when my little sister has spent, ever since she was 12.....in some kind of treatment center....or some kind of juvenile center.....that she would know how i felt about drugs.....when i spent nights crying because my parents are going to lose their house from legal fees. when my parents cant even afford to see their own grandkids....because of drugs...i cant count the number of nights ive talked to her about drugs, considering it has broken my family to pieces.....but screw that.....maybe she doesnt know. maybe she doesnt know that what my parents have worked for the last 30 years is all $hit because of drugs. when im afraid to give my own sister my address or phone number because i dont want her friends breaking into my house. thats what drugs do.....you cant tell me that every drug addict on the street started off on coke or heroin.....they had to have started off small.....maybe something like weed....and they started looking for a bigger high. ughhhhh anyways....we all make sacrifices for what we want....am i wrong?? we all have to give up something. or am i the only idiot out there???????? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 I thought this was one incident. You seem to have imbued it with all the significance of your entire relationship; your last post was, IMHO, an overreaction. If she continues to do it, then yes, dump her. However if all this angst is over that one incident, then you need to go get help to get over it because you are way too overwrought about this. Link to post Share on other sites
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