Wife losing interest & I'm starting to get frustrated....

[Hoover]

Don't really know where to start. I guess with a little background info. Both in our mid 30's, married for 10 years, 3 kids (5, almost 3, and 6 months old), both of us are professionals with graduate degrees, and are high school sweethearts. I work full time in a very mentally and physically demanding job and my wife is mostly a stay at home mom but also works two half days a week. We do not have a lot of alone time and when we do get it, theres always something in the air that prevents us from having sex.

 

Over the last couple of years our intimacy level has steadily declined and now is almost non-existant. I have always been an affectionate and sexual person. My wife tells me that she "thinks about sex and things she wants to do all of the time." I have even asked her point blank if she still is attracted to me and I get a resounding YES, OF COURSE, I love you very much and am very attracted to you.

 

I get the usual I'm tired excuse most of all, but she also says that she is uncomfortable with herself (physically), especially after the birth of our third child. I get that. I really do. She's not in the same shape she was before kids (nor am I), but I still think she is beautiful and tell her often "you look nice today," etc. Neither of us could be considered overweight, but she has baby weight and I have bad-eating weight (I'm 6'4", 215 lbs. and she is 5'10", 165 lbs. for reference). Her favorite phrase is "I feel disgusting," which couldn't be further from the truth.

 

The last few months have really started to anger me, however. Example: Oldest was at school and the two younger kids were napping. We haven't had sex in two weeks. My wife goes to take a shower and I sneak in with her. She doesn't lay a finger on me, even after I gently rub her back for a minute or so and she seems to enjoy it, not resisting anything. She then starts to get her towel and I ask, "you're getting out?" She says yes, and that she feels "gross" and off she goes. WTF? How am I not supposed to be offended by that?

 

A big point of contention with her is that "its always about sex." She would like me to "just lay here with her sometimes." Problem is, sometimes has become ANYTIME we are alone. The last time we had sex was on my birthday before I went to work 3 weeks ago, and it was almost a month before that.

 

What it comes down to is this. I have a wonderful wife who is an AMAZING mother to our children. She pays all of the bills (she works in finance and I am bad with money, so it only makes sense that it has become her dept) and generally handles a lot of the day to day around here, and I GET THE FACT THAT IT IS A FULL TIME JOB.

 

However, I feel that sex is a large part of a healthy relationship and should not be considered a "reward" by either side. Frankly I'm sick and tired of it being up to the husband in every "sexless" marriage to try and fan the flame to get things going. My wife knows that I am frustrated, but still does nothing about it. If there is something that I know makes my wife feel good, even if I don't necessarily enjoy it, I do it because I know how it makes her feel. The thing I don't get is that when it happens, she really (appears to) enjoy sex and even says that she's sorry we haven't done it in awhile. She says she wants to be spontaneous and fantasizes about sex in a public place, etc., yet anytime I try and be spontaneous (make a move *GASP* when the sun is actually up) I get rejected.

 

It has gotten to the point where I am hesitant to even make a move because if she pushes away, I'll get angry and we'll be in a "funk" for a few days with each other. I am starting to have trouble sleeping because I constantly have thoughts about what to say/do and how to say/do it, but nothing ever comes out of it except exhaustion the next day.

 

Am at a loss at this point and don't know how to change things. Am I being ridiculous? I am not unrealistic asking for sex every day, all I want is a physical relationship with the love of my life....

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay so she has body issues right now:

 

1. Do a night (an hour whatever) of exploring her body MINUS THE GENITALS. Kiss her and cuddle with her, do not push for or have sex. Give her a massage or something. Tell her you think she is crazy for some of the things she has been saying about her body and then cite evidence to the contrary by describing a beautiful feature about her body, even if you feel you have to make it up. For instance: "You have really soft, fair skin, how could you be feeling unattractive? I really love touching it, it is so beautiful." Yes it may be hard to say but say it like you mean it!

 

2. The next day say how hard it has been not connecting with her on a sexual level.Yes use those words. Tell her it makes you feel distant from her. IT MAKES YOU FEEL DISTANT FROM HER AND YOU MISS IT. Do not tell her things like "it has been frustrating me and pissing me off." Or even just frustrating. Tell her that you "miss it and look forward to doing it again." Just say it once, I was just aiming for emphasis.

 

3. Look distracted at some point in the day where it is really obvious. When she asks why, just say "I was thinking about how great you look naked since having the last child. I don't know what it is about you, but it is really doing it for me." OR "I was just thinking back to that time when you XYZ in bed. Oh, nevermind...now what were you saying?"

 

4. Act a little aggressive like you can't keep your hands off of her and then you should pretty much get your way. Apparently pasta dishes have the right kind of carbs to encourage women to be a little more ready to go etc. So try and make it spaghetti night.

 

I know a lot of guys are like: that stuff is just ridiculous! She already knows I want it, why do I have to go through this stupid dance just to get some? blah blah etc. To her it isn't stupid. Women feel that the longer the relationship goes on, the less sexual it gets. They feel like the man feels obligated to sleep with only her, not compelled to. Couple that with a weight gain and you've got a cute formula for a sexless marriage.

 

Because she isn't doing it with you because of some bodily or emotional disconnect. So connect with her on her level.

 

Quite frankly as a woman I want to be the hottest woman in the world to my man and I want him to have the overwhelming urge to want to **** me. You also need to frame it in a way that gets her attention on all fronts without it turning into a conflict. The above formula should work well and if you were to do something like it once a month, you would probably have more sex then you knew what to do with. Then you wouldn't be so frustrated with her 'antics.'

 

First guy to take this advice is the winner. If you do, let us know how it goes.

[lucylove]

i'd just like to say that i completely agree with dreamingoftigers. the point of telling her how this is effecting you is worth the mental effort. you need to drop any accusatory statements when illustrating this consequence of your sex life. you must tell her how it affects you, not why she is wrong. avoid statements that exclude non defensiveness and detail such as, "i'm really not getting what i want" or "frankly i'm aggravated" you need to take up a good, open manner and be genuine. how does this make you feel? if you explain that aspect, you will side step putting her on the defensive and give her a good opportunity to HEAR YOU OUT. if it clicks for her that you don't feel emotionally connected because one MAJOR spectrum of romantic connection is lacking, it will click for her! don't be impatient though...it might not immediately click.

i get what you are saying about "why is it up to the husband?" well because you are the one who recognizes a problem, and she is in denial. it might not be fair, but neither are a lot of things. why is it so often left up to the wife to remind her husband that they need more romance, or communication? sometimes that's just the way it is. address what bothers you about your marriage. you get to be the one who rescues the marriage this time. just do it. for YOUR sake and her's.

her other suggestions deserve just as much attention, but i wanted to highlight the necessity to drop an accusatory tone because that is something i think a lot of people almost unconsciously do when discussing their unmet needs in the context of a relationship.

it probably won't be as hard for you to make a fuss over how hot she is. do not go surrender any negative acknowledgments regarding her figure no matter how hard she presses you to. "can't you tell how fat i am?" respond with praise. don't tell her something like, "i like the extra weight." just tell her how gorgeous she is, and do so with enthusiasm. don't shy away from assertiveness; caress her and touch her when she appears most repulsed with herself.

being aggressive for moments of the day and spending a lot of time pampering her, massaging her, and embracing the whole of her body, detail by detail are other tips that will help greatly. you won't have to do this forever. this is how you help her get past what is blocking her.

something else...INVEST in her in a way you normally don't. surprise her by hiring a babysitter and cooking her a meal...or just wait until the kids go to bed. send her an email about how you can't stop thinking about her. call her up during the day just to say i love you. do things that you would do if you were dating and seriously trying to win her over. make her feel giddy. you might say, you don't feel like it. start doing spontaneous things you know she will love, even if it does feel forced and nature will take over.

this is not easy...but as a woman, it's what must be done.

[that girl]

You skipped over a few things that I think might be important.

 

You have a six month old baby. That is pretty recent. Is she still nursing? Does the baby sleep through the night?

 

The other thing is she isn't a full time stay at home home, she works half time.

 

Sex is important, but I think you still have to take into account that you have a new baby. The family is still adjusting and your wife's body is still adjusting.

 

If rejection upsets you (understandable) one thing you could do is be affectionate and complimentary but let her initiate. It seems like she eventually would and it might take the stress off both of you because you wouldn't feel rejected and she wouldn't feel pressured.

 

The other thing is could she be overwhelmed? Does she want to work out and not have the time? Could you take over a parenting task like putting the kids to bed or start taking over every Sunday morning?

[waynebrady]

If rejection upsets you (understandable) one thing you could do is be affectionate and complimentary but let her initiate. It seems like she eventually would and it might take the stress off both of you because you wouldn't feel rejected and she wouldn't feel pressured.

 

Women don't initiate sex so he'd never have sex if he waited for her to initiate it.

[Silly_Girl]

Women don't initiate sex so he'd never have sex if he waited for her to initiate it.

 

SOME women don't initiate sex. Not all!!!

[lkjh]

SOME women don't initiate sex. Not all!!!

 

 

 

Not the ones in long term relationships. Maybe a select few but the bulk majority don't once they get comfortable

[giotto]

I've been exactly in the same position and I made thing worse by behaving like a dick, although my reasons were quite justifiable...

 

First of all: give her space. Don't crowd her and don't keep mentioning the S word. Believe me, she knows you want sex, but you are putting too much pressure on her and you are putting her off. She has issues with her body and feels unattractive right now. As a woman, she needs to feel good in herself and confident. She has a 6 month old baby! That's very tiring, not to mention the other two! You have to be patient. Keep telling her she is beautiful and, if you touch her, she needs to know it's not sexual, it won't lead to anything. She needs the pressure off. Eventually (hopefully not in a distant future ), she will start feeling sexual again. Babies do tend to kill the libido. Above all, do not get angry! If you stay attentive, loving, helpful and cheerful, without being demanding, she will find you attractive and she will have sex with you. Maybe not straightaway, but soon...

[lucylove]

Women don't initiate sex so he'd never have sex if he waited for her to initiate it.

i think you are making a massively incorrect generalization here. women in general, and the vast majority of those in long term relationships do.

it is more likely that this is a problem specific to you, rather than a problem demonstrated in "all women."

[Whateverelse]

i think you are making a massively incorrect generalization here. women in general, and the vast majority of those in long term relationships do.

it is more likely that this is a problem specific to you, rather than a problem demonstrated in "all women."

 

I don't think anyone really knows what most long-term married women do, but the anecdotal evidence from this and other comparable message boards is that wives radically slow down in the initiation department after they have kids; that's certainly the case in my house, where we've gone from 50/50 to her initiating maybe 5 or 6 times in 10 years. I think there are couple of lengthy posts dealing with this topic.

[Tinkerbell1]

Dont know if this has been said but Im wondering if your wife is having some postpartum blues or depression since the birth wasnt so long ago. Even low grade depression will greatly affect a woman's sex drive. Also, just so you know, PPD can occur within 18 months of giving birth, six months is actually quite common. SO, coupled with her being tired and feeling out of shape and unattractive (her weight for her height is perfect though) she may just be really down. Talk with her calmly and with love. Tell her you love her and you miss her making sure to let her know that its not really about the sex, its about the connectiony you both have when you are intimate. Ask her what can you do to help. Also request gently that she please have a checkup with her obgyn. PPD can be really tricky, it can be low grade and subtle but still have quite an impact on overall mood. Either way, it sounds like she has shifted since this child was born and there is something going on where she doesnt feel good in general. You can both work through this and she will get her equalibrium back if you stay connected and COMMUNICATE. Otherwise, as you are seeing, frustration and resentment start to build and they are tough opponents to overcome when they are allowed to take over.

[quankanne]

Not the ones in long term relationships. Maybe a select few but the bulk majority don't once they get comfortable HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA ... oh, this is PRICELESS. I can guarantee you that men are the ones who become complacent in long-term relationships, and grow very uncomfortable at the thought that their wives want sex. You slay me, kid ...

 

back to the OP's concern: My take is that with three little ones under the age of five, your wife might be having a hard time switching gears from "mommy" to "lover" because her identity is so closely tied into being a mom right now.

 

whatever you do, don't push, but send out non-sexual signals that let her know that you still see her as that attractive lover who turns you on. Romance her. Cuddle her. Talk to her. Do things with her that don't involve the rugrats. All those things let her see herself as someone other than "mom." And once she's able to make the separation, she just might well come around feeling comfortable being your lover again.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Women don't initiate sex so he'd never have sex if he waited for her to initiate it.

 

Waynebrady, maybe you should get a little real world experience with actual women before you post any more about your perspectives on what women are like. Your simplistic and ignorant gross generalizations are boring and ignorant.

 

I'm a woman who is mad for sex with my SO, myself. And I'm not an oddball, either.

 

Thanks!

 

To the OP - I'm sorry you are going through this. It seems that personal issues get in the way of sexuality for both men and women way too frequently and then the disinterested person seems very out of touch with the effect their withdrawal is having upon their spouse. I think you have received good advice here, and I don't think you are wrong to be feeling frustrated. It could be a good time to get into some counseling with your wife, before resentment and misunderstandings build to an irreparable point.

Edited October 25, 2010 by Mme. Chaucer

[lucylove]

I don't think anyone really knows what most long-term married women do, but the anecdotal evidence from this and other comparable message boards is that wives radically slow down in the initiation department after they have kids; that's certainly the case in my house, where we've gone from 50/50 to her initiating maybe 5 or 6 times in 10 years. I think there are couple of lengthy posts dealing with this topic.

you're still making a big generalization regarding the female gender. i have known married women WITH kids who complained to me that their husbands were not giving it to THEM enough and that they got rejected by the men.

what you are addressing here is some kind of abnormality that a healthy woman doesn't go through for an extended period of time; healthy people period, have sex drives, and actively seek to fulfill them. however it is possible that this abnormality is happening to a considerable amount of married women, with children, and i would say this is a sign that she needs help; whether that be in the form of assistance with her overwhelming duties, some treatment for mental wellness, help accepting her changed figure, help from her spouse, etc. what she, and her gender do not need is judgment.

 

it is not an indication that the woman is normal and just being a woman. it is not just a "woman" thing. i have heard of men who do the SAME thing time and time again.

[Floridaman]

Okay so she has body issues right now:

 

1. Do a night (an hour whatever) of exploring her body MINUS THE GENITALS. Kiss her and cuddle with her, do not push for or have sex. Give her a massage or something. Tell her you think she is crazy for some of the things she has been saying about her body and then cite evidence to the contrary by describing a beautiful feature about her body, even if you feel you have to make it up. For instance: "You have really soft, fair skin, how could you be feeling unattractive? I really love touching it, it is so beautiful." Yes it may be hard to say but say it like you mean it!

 

2. The next day say how hard it has been not connecting with her on a sexual level.Yes use those words. Tell her it makes you feel distant from her. IT MAKES YOU FEEL DISTANT FROM HER AND YOU MISS IT. Do not tell her things like "it has been frustrating me and pissing me off." Or even just frustrating. Tell her that you "miss it and look forward to doing it again." Just say it once, I was just aiming for emphasis.

 

3. Look distracted at some point in the day where it is really obvious. When she asks why, just say "I was thinking about how great you look naked since having the last child. I don't know what it is about you, but it is really doing it for me." OR "I was just thinking back to that time when you XYZ in bed. Oh, nevermind...now what were you saying?"

 

4. Act a little aggressive like you can't keep your hands off of her and then you should pretty much get your way. Apparently pasta dishes have the right kind of carbs to encourage women to be a little more ready to go etc. So try and make it spaghetti night.

 

I know a lot of guys are like: that stuff is just ridiculous! She already knows I want it, why do I have to go through this stupid dance just to get some? blah blah etc. To her it isn't stupid. Women feel that the longer the relationship goes on, the less sexual it gets. They feel like the man feels obligated to sleep with only her, not compelled to. Couple that with a weight gain and you've got a cute formula for a sexless marriage.

 

Because she isn't doing it with you because of some bodily or emotional disconnect. So connect with her on her level.

 

Quite frankly as a woman I want to be the hottest woman in the world to my man and I want him to have the overwhelming urge to want to **** me. You also need to frame it in a way that gets her attention on all fronts without it turning into a conflict. The above formula should work well and if you were to do something like it once a month, you would probably have more sex then you knew what to do with. Then you wouldn't be so frustrated with her 'antics.'

 

First guy to take this advice is the winner. If you do, let us know how it goes.

Dreaming, I'd like to send you a PM but am not to that level yet, so I want to thank you for posting this.

 

I don't think my wife has body issues, and we don't have kids, but we're physically (not maritally- job relocation change/ home sale issues) separated and I only have a three-day weekend with her this weekend.

 

I plan to print this and try to follow this advice. Hopefully, I can make some progress in the short time I'm with her. It's been at least a year and I'm going crazy! The D-word keeps coming in my mind on how "well, I'll show her.."

 

You seem to know a lot about this kind of thing (and other things) and I appreciate your advice here.

Edited October 25, 2010 by Floridaman

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks, I am glad to know that being a co-dependant, sexually frustrated wife married to a sex addict has given me some insight.

[LiveWell]

Hoover, your wife is completely exhausted.

 

Three small children + a half time job?

[Hoover]

Thanks for all of the responses. Let me address a few things.

 

1. Not splitting hairs, but she does not work "half-time.". She works a half day, two days a week (8 hours approximately in the office a week) and has all but eliminated working at home. Her home time is just that.

 

2. Let her initiate. This is hilarious. Back to what I said about her having daily thoughts about where, how, and when. We had at one point made a deal with each other that she wouldn't get upset with me if I made a move and she wasn't into it if she promised to actually initiate sex if she was in the mood. That lasted about 6 months and we are back to square one. I actually think that she just never is in the mood.

 

3. About the newest little one. Yes, she is still nursing (boobs are off limits to my hands currently) and the baby is sleeping through the night most of the time. Pumping is a major obstacle for my wife and were it not close flu season, she would likely quit nursing soon. At the urging of our pediatrician, she is going to try and continue until spring. Our baby is relatively easy, just like the first two were. Very happy and healthy and like I said, she is sleeping very well at night most of the time.

 

The idea of touching her in a non-sexual way doesn't seem to work for her because when she "feels disgusting" she wants no contact, especially skin on skin. When we are intimate, there are a lot of "don't touch me there" moments and often it's a mood killer for one of us. It's a virtual mine field and I can't relax out of fear I may touch a forbidden area (boobs, outer thighs/hips, stomach, etc.). I am going to make an effort to incorporate some of the suggestions and see where it takes me. Will post updates.

[that girl]

I think I read 2 half days as 2 and a half days, so that would be the misunderstanding.

 

This does seem to be a long term problem and not just a matter of a new baby. But you really seem to be underestimating the workload created by three young children (including an infant). The grossness does seem like it has a lot to do with childbirth and nursing.

 

What if you took over all of the bedtime rituals for the kids. You handle teeth brushing and storytime. That would give your wife some breathing room and maybe for the hour or two you are both up afterwards you could both treat this as couple time. This wouldn't necessarily be sex time, but it could be if she gets a little personal time and you spend time as a couple things would improve. At the very least, your kids would benefit from more dad time (and I'm not saying you're an uninvolved dad, but they obviously get a lot of mom time).

 

I get that you want sex and I don't blame you, but getting angry about it isn't going to fix the problem.

[giotto]

what Hoover is describing seems pretty normal for a woman after 3 babies. After our 4th baby, we didn't have sex for 4 months and there were no complications, stitches or anything like that. She just was in mummy mode. In fact, I got sex for my birthday... I couldn't touch her boobs for a long time and she hated her body. Give her space. She needs to be in the right frame of mind. You just have to accept it and get on with it. Hopefully, it won't last too long. But by putting lots of pressure on her, you'll just make things worse...

[giotto]

Why do people have so many kids anyway? Ever heard of vasectomy? LOL

 

I did have a vasectomy... after my 4th one!

[LiveWell]

But you really seem to be underestimating the workload created by three young children (including an infant).

 

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++1

[GorillaTheater]

I did have a vasectomy... after my 4th one!

 

Me too. Then had a reversal and had four more. Three kids? That's nothing.

[goingstrong]

Hoov man, there is some good advice here from ..dreamingwithtigers..probably the best advice I have ever read..to some less than stellar advice that would have you posting on the infidelity forum in 6 months.

 

Here is mine, do the combo. Listen to every word from dreaming with tigers, get the fleshlight as the musjman said, listen to this part from that girl

 

This does seem to be a long term problem and not just a matter of a new baby. But you really seem to be underestimating the workload created by three young children (including an infant). The grossness does seem like it has a lot to do with childbirth and nursing.

 

What if you took over all of the bedtime rituals for the kids. You handle teeth brushing and storytime. That would give your wife some breathing room and maybe for the hour or two you are both up afterwards you could both treat this as couple time. This wouldn't necessarily be sex time, but it could be if she gets a little personal time and you spend time as a couple things would improve. At the very least, your kids would benefit from more dad time (and I'm not saying you're an uninvolved dad, but they obviously get a lot of mom time).

 

then sit back for 6 months to a year( your family is worth that much time), and re-evaluate.

Edited October 27, 2010 by goingstrong

[emmalee]

You obviously love and respect your wife alot, and you are also still very attracted to her.

 

I feel a bit 'disgusting' at times too after the birth of my son, and if my partner were to show me something he wrote about me in a forum, as nice as you wrote, I would feel so reassured.

 

Why not just come out and show her what you wrote?

Reading it is a change from hearing it, and it also says how you feel and what you think, two things she cant know without you telling her