He Left Home, wants me to stay but won't Divorce?

[Pokemon]

Let me keep it short.

 

MM and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary.

 

He confessed about our relationship to wife 6 months ago and left. He now sees his daughter 2 times a month and she is 2.5 years old. MM and I broke up for a month when he wanted to work things out with wife in April. He did it for 2 weeks and then decided it was hell.

 

Now we live together for the last 6 months in the apartment he used to share with his wife (she moved out). But he refuses to divorce her saying he has guilt issues and needs a few more months.

 

I gave myself a year and don't want to wait anymore. But he always insists he will divorce and says it is a matter of months. He says he loves me and does not want to get back with his wife at all.

 

I want out and think my feelings for him are starting to sour and I am losing respect for him.

 

What do you guys think? Is he lying to me? Am I making the right decision to ditch him after I ruined his marital life?

[Pokemon]

By the way, he and his wife don't communicate at all except for the twice a month when he sees his kid. I'm sure she harbors the thought of getting back with him but she doesn't talk to him at all!

 

I have all his email passwords and access to cell phone records. I find it so ODD that both of them just don't talk to each other!

[Treetopbaby]

If you are starting to loose respect for him and your relationship you need to sort it out. I suggest you sit down and have a proper talk with him, let him know that you've waited long enough for him to sort it out himself and that something needs doing.

 

His marriage at the moment is just a piece of paper but maybe to him it represents what hes lost, the whole family package and the stability. You need to find out if he has any regrets in leaving his marriage that you can talk to him about or help him with to make him cut the final cord tying him to his wife.

 

He needs to understand how you feel about it and how it affects you. It may not affect him at all and he may never think about it but if one of you still is, then it needs to be sorted before it makes a bigger gap in your realtionship.

 

Generally, you need to talk to him, let him know how you feel and AGREE on whats going to happen, if he says he needs another month then set a date, so youve got a boundary and it wont continue forever. Let him know your serious and that your relationship will suffer otherwise.

[Pokemon]

Oh yeah - I set a date for all this to be done and it was for Oct 31.

Now it's becoming clear that he can't even bring up the subject of 'divorce' to his wife, let alone file for papers! He will try to call her in my prescence but then lose courage as soon as he talks to her. They just avoid each other and don't ever talk it out!!

 

Now I'm just sick and tired of being with a wimp.. I don't know what is happening because I used to love him so much. Now I'm just sad our relationship is disintegrating because of his apathetic attitude. And I'm starting to realize this man is spineless and he irritates me! Sex is also beginning to change on my part and I just don't feel the same?

[woinlove]

Let me keep it short.

 

MM and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary.

 

He confessed about our relationship to wife 6 months ago and left. He now sees his daughter 2 times a month and she is 2.5 years old. MM and I broke up for a month when he wanted to work things out with wife in April. He did it for 2 weeks and then decided it was hell.

 

Now we live together for the last 6 months in the apartment he used to share with his wife (she moved out). But he refuses to divorce her saying he has guilt issues and needs a few more months.

 

I gave myself a year and don't want to wait anymore. But he always insists he will divorce and says it is a matter of months. He says he loves me and does not want to get back with his wife at all.

 

I want out and think my feelings for him are starting to sour and I am losing respect for him.

 

What do you guys think? Is he lying to me? Am I making the right decision to ditch him after I ruined his marital life?

 

I'm concerned about that bolded part. Don't stay with him out of guilt. Ending a M with a child is a big deal and that is a lot to go through. It is difficult to separate all that from the R between you two. Maybe your souring feelings are temporary and a result of the difficult circumstances or maybe they are a result of the fact that this isn't really the person you want to share your life with. It's the right decision to ditch him (as you put it) if the second possibility is true, but only you know. How do you think you would you feel without him?

[bentnotbroken]

By the way, he and his wife don't communicate at all except for the twice a month when he sees his kid. I'm sure she harbors the thought of getting back with him but she doesn't talk to him at all!

 

I have all his email passwords and access to cell phone records. I find it so ODD that both of them just don't talk to each other!

 

 

Why would you assume she harbors thoughts of wanting him back if she doesn't talk to him? That doesn't make any sense? Seems like you are more than a little paranoid.

[greengoddess]

why would you even be interested in a man who only sees his 2 1/2. year old twice a month?

[Silly_Girl]

why would you even be interested in a man who only sees his 2 1/2. year old twice a month?

 

Maybe he only saw her that often when he was with his wife? I saw my dad infrequently because he worked away.

 

OP - it seems like infrequent contact at that age.

 

It does seem odd they don't talk. Is this a 'break' do you think? And not a 'split'? That would be a feasible explanation for the things you've raised.

[silverplanets]

What's happening at ground level?

 

HOw are they managing money?

Have they split bank accounts?

What's happened to the mortage deeds?

What's happened to pension rights?

etc, etc, etc

 

If all these things have been separated and they have a reasonable reason for not filing the divorce then maybe it's ok ?

 

If none of the above is done then maybe it's time he and her started to address some of the ground work, even if addressing the D is too hard.

 

From his point of view what's happening about visiting rights to the child .. are these clarified .. if you're in the uk does he legally share parental responsibilty ...

 

I can understand that 6 months is not long, and in a way if no rash decisions have been made then I admire that ... (gives time for them each to get a glimpse about coming to terms with the loss) ... but at some point they need to start sorting out the ground level details?

 

Approaching it from another angle .. if he files for d then are you expecting him to move towards marriage with you ?

 

Maybe he's stalled because he just wants time to take stock and take it all in ... is he going to IC to come to terms with it all ... or is he just rolling on from one R to the new?

 

 

Just some random thoughts /ideas ... feel free to ignore :-)

Chris

[greengoddess]

Maybe he only saw her that often when he was with his wife? I saw my dad infrequently because he worked away.

 

OP - it seems like infrequent contact at that age.

 

It does seem odd they don't talk. Is this a 'break' do you think? And not a 'split'? That would be a feasible explanation for the things you've raised.

 

Just because that was your life experience doesn't make it right. Do you think if your dad was more involved in your life when you were young you may have made some different choices. Seeing a kid 2xs out of 30 is not being a father.

[Mimolicious]

This is all really sad. All the drama, heartache and broken emotions for what?

 

It would be a shame if in fact you were the factor to ruining his marital life and then ditch him.

 

It would be a shame if you stay with him just because...

 

Have you ever been involved in these type of R's? Maybe it's something that has to do with your foundation? Just wondering?

 

And with all due respect, how can you live at HER house? That alone is a huge dark cloud over your head and over your R... How do you feel sleeping in the same bedroom that they shared as a H&W? Besides, they are not D. That is as much as her home as it is his...

This takes me back to the question on your behavior.

[whichwayisup]

Stop pushing him to divorce and let it happen when HE feels ready to.

 

Also, why do you have access to his email accounts and cell records? This seems excessive to me.. Trust obviously is an issue here, due to how you two got together. Which leads me to think that you two shouldn't have moved in together so quickly. She moves out, you move in .. He's had NO time, no period of adjustment to sort things out, grieve the loss of his marriage, his family unit as one, under one roof. Not saying this is all your fault, it's his too, he brought it on himself..

 

Was his wife the one who decided he can only see his 2.5 year old child twice a month? Or was that his decision? I can see her not wanting you around the toddler, rightfully so - Though it does seem odd that a father would be okay with this arrangement, not be pushing to see his child more often.

[Silly_Girl]

Just because that was your life experience doesn't make it right. Do you think if your dad was more involved in your life when you were young you may have made some different choices. Seeing a kid 2xs out of 30 is not being a father.

 

I only reacted to your post because you had a very dismissive tone ("how can you even have anything to DO with this guy?!") about a man who you don't know, based on the level of contact. Check the facts, then be dismissive of him. The level of contact may have NO reflection on his worth as a human being.

 

As for my choices, yes, had we all had different childhoods and teenage years and first relationships we might all have made different choices. I feel blessed to have ended up where I am, with who and what I have in my life.

[2sunny]

why would you even be interested in a man who only sees his 2 1/2. year old twice a month?

 

By the way, he and his wife don't communicate at all except for the twice a month when he sees his kid. I'm sure she harbors the thought of getting back with him but she doesn't talk to him at all!

 

I have all his email passwords and access to cell phone records. I find it so ODD that both of them just don't talk to each other!

 

twice a month isn't enough to build a relationship with a child. he needs to spend his time focusing on that relationship.

 

he tells you he doesn't talk to his W. MM lie all the time...

 

YOU can make decisions for YOU... what he does is up to him.

 

make decisions that are in YOUR best interest. no one else is going to look out for you - except YOU!

[jthorne]

I'm just guessing, but it sounds like he is waiting for the W to find a boyfriend, so he doesn't have to feel like the "bad guy" in breaking up the marriage.

 

You can decide for yourself whether that is cowardly or not.

[greengoddess]

I only reacted to your post because you had a very dismissive tone ("how can you even have anything to DO with this guy?!") about a man who you don't know, based on the level of contact. Check the facts, then be dismissive of him. The level of contact may have NO reflection on his worth as a human being.

 

As for my choices, yes, had we all had different childhoods and teenage years and first relationships we might all have made different choices. I feel blessed to have ended up where I am, with who and what I have in my life.

 

the man had time to be married and have an affair. That takes a lot of work. I think he should have more time for his child and this says a lot about his character. The poster is probably happy he doesn't see his kid much especially since she thinks he is such a catch that his wife wants him back when he is virtually leaving her being a single parent of a toddler instead of coparenting. i think the poster should look at him as a an all around person not just her lover. open her eyes to the fact that he is a crap dad and examine if she really wants someone like this.

[BB07]

the man had time to be married and have an affair. That takes a lot of work. I think he should have more time for his child and this says a lot about his character. The poster is probably happy he doesn't see his kid much especially since she thinks he is such a catch that his wife wants him back when he is virtually leaving her being a single parent of a toddler instead of coparenting. i think the poster should look at him as a an all around person not just her lover. open her eyes to the fact that he is a crap dad and examine if she really wants someone like this.

 

Just wow........you are making a lot of assumptions on just a little information.

 

Twice a month seeing his child is not ideal but let's wait till we hear why that is before everyone labels him a terrible dad.

[greengoddess]

Just wow........you are making a lot of assumptions on just a little information.

 

Twice a month seeing his child is not ideal but let's wait till we hear why that is before everyone labels him a terrible dad.

 

nothing would stop me from seeing my children.

[Mimolicious]

I only reacted to your post because you had a very dismissive tone ("how can you even have anything to DO with this guy?!") about a man who you don't know, based on the level of contact. Check the facts, then be dismissive of him. The level of contact may have NO reflection on his worth as a human being.

 

As for my choices, yes, had we all had different childhoods and teenage years and first relationships we might all have made different choices. I feel blessed to have ended up where I am, with who and what I have in my life.

 

Sorry SG but you missed a HUGE KEYWORD there- "The level of contact with his CHILD may have no reflection on his worth as a human being". Reads kinda different, uh?

 

Whoa! Amazing. He is still good for the space he takes on earth but his worth as a "FATHER" speaks volumes is he cares to see his child 2 times a month. YET, he is into High School romance drama 28/29 days out of the month. I am sorry, if the father of my kids was willing to neglect them in such a way, he wouldn't be a part of their lives PERIOD and yes, I can do that! *counts her blessings* I lost a ****ty, piece of dirt H but my kids have a very active father who gives them attention and dedicate a lot of his time to them. He will be no prize to any women but a king to his children.

 

If he can neglect his own flesh and blood...

[BB07]

nothing would stop me from seeing my children.

 

That's you.........and yes that is me too, but really there may be circumstances that prevent that from happening. I was simply saying it's not fair to make all those assumptions until we know more.

[Mimolicious]

Just wow........you are making a lot of assumptions on just a little information.

 

Twice a month seeing his child is not ideal but let's wait till we hear why that is before everyone labels him a terrible dad.

 

Yeah and this better be REALLY GOOD!

[greengoddess]

That's you.........and yes that is me too, but really there may be circumstances that prevent that from happening. I was simply saying it's not fair to make all those assumptions until we know more.

 

sorry I have zero respect for absentee parents regardless of the reason. he had the time to peruse an affair, he should have time to see his kid.

[Mimolicious]

Out of curiosity, when he sees his kid does he bring the baby over where before it was mommy and daddy together and now is daddy and a stranger?

 

No pun intended, but I really hope not. That must be so puzzling for a little one.

[jwi71]

He confessed about our relationship to wife 6 months ago and left. He now sees his daughter 2 times a month and she is 2.5 years old. MM and I broke up for a month when he wanted to work things out with wife in April. He did it for 2 weeks and then decided it was hell.

2 times a month?

 

Well, if its any consolation I doubt the daughter, due to age, will actually grow up missing him much. Personally, I don't remember anything from when I was 2.5 years old and I doubt the daughter will either. I guess I'm trying to say the daughter will grow up just fine w/o a daddy. Of course, the W may remarry and find herself a great man who will step into that role. What's more likely is he will get joint 50-50 custody and it won't be so bad for him.

 

And I agree with those who are alarmed at 2 times a month. I have 50-50 custody (the norm these days in the US) and the fist few days w/o my kids is actually kinda nice then I start missing them bad. But that's me. Maybe he simply doesn't give a damn about the daughter - there are crappy dads out there. Is he one?

 

Now we live together for the last 6 months in the apartment he used to share with his wife (she moved out). But he refuses to divorce her saying he has guilt issues and needs a few more months.

 

This is confusing. He didn't miss them during the A and his return trip was hell so what is he guilty about? Guilt wasn't factor earlier so why is it one now? If its money he can simply agree, in the divorce, to pay extra child support and alimony. He can D the W and STILL support her. In the US, its the norm for parents to split custody now. Where's the guilt coming from and who is it for?

 

I gave myself a year and don't want to wait anymore. But he always insists he will divorce and says it is a matter of months. He says he loves me and does not want to get back with his wife at all.

 

Then either believe him and wait or do not. Your life, you choose.

 

I want out and think my feelings for him are starting to sour and I am losing respect for him.

 

This makes even LESS sense. He LEFT his W and, to a lesser degree, his daughter for YOU. How can you NOT respect that? Did you WANT him to leave for you? Did you think it would be easy? How is it, now that you presumably have what you want (your MM full time), you want to throw him back.

 

What do you guys think?

 

I think you are being a selfish little whiner. He left, now give him time to get himself together, file for D, and build a new life with you. So many life altering changes in just a few months - having an A, leaving the W and daughter, starting new R with you, moving in with you and filing for D...that's a lot in 1 year. Give it time.

 

Is he lying to me?

 

Maybe. Maybe not. Seriously, he LEFT. He lives with YOU now. Typically, the MM is full of words and short on actions...this guy up and bailed right away. Hell, you should be grateful. Give him more time and keep playing prison warden with the phones and emails.

 

Am I making the right decision to ditch him after I ruined his marital life?

 

Up to you. But don't worry, if you walk your life will continue as normal - as if nothing happened. It'll just be a bad memory and a lesson learned.

[Pokemon]

Ok, let me clarify.

Yes, they have split bank accounts and he writes a check to her every month (quite a big sum). I am taking on 70% of our shared expenses right now, like dinners and such. I asked to move in to give up the lease of my apartment so I can help him out with his rent but he refuses to make that commitment. I don't understand why he wants me to feel the financial burden when change can be made? He wants me here but I can't move in?

 

He sees the child twice a month because his wife won't let him. I raised it because it seems like he may be a bad father but I'm in denial of it myself. He wants to see the kid more but when I tell him to raise it to his wife, he just says, "yeah I have to", then sighs and does nothing to change it.

 

 

 

He is seeing the child twice a m