He Left Home, wants me to stay but won't Divorce?

[Pokemon]

He promised me divorce by our anniversary so I can take him to my parents at the end of the year. Am I being unreasonable because he failed on the promise? But then, am I seriously being stringed along when he has no intention of getting a divorce? I am so confused. Why did he even make me promises then?

 

He says his wife is not ready for the divorce and he isn't too at this point. I'm not sure if I should wait anymore and realize he won't do it. I still want marriage and kids of my own one day.

 

I'm tired of not being able to tell my friends or family about our relationship. I'm constantly a secret to his friends too.

 

I'm starting therapy today.

[BB07]

You didn't give us a lot of info so based on what you did say see my responses.

 

Let me keep it short.

 

MM and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary.

 

He confessed about our relationship to wife 6 months ago and left. He now sees his daughter 2 times a month and she is 2.5 years old. MM and I broke up for a month when he wanted to work things out with wife in April. He did it for 2 weeks and then decided it was hell.

 

Now we live together for the last 6 months in the apartment he used to share with his wife (she moved out). But he refuses to divorce her saying he has guilt issues and needs a few more months.

 

Most wouldn't advise just jumping in and living together so quickly, but hey.....the guy actually left and didn't pussy foot around about it. I would think that is a really good thing as he didn't keep two women on a string and you should give him kudos for that. As for the guilt, of course he is going to have some and 6 months isn't enough time to work through all the issues surrounding the ending of a relationship, even if he wanted it to end, there is a still a lot of stuff he has to deal with. I would think you need to cut him a little slack and be patient with him. 6 months is not that long in the great scheme of things and he did the biggie......he left and you have no evidence that he is flip flopping.

 

I gave myself a year and don't want to wait anymore. But he always insists he will divorce and says it is a matter of months. He says he loves me and does not want to get back with his wife at all.

 

I want out and think my feelings for him are starting to sour and I am losing respect for him.

 

What do you guys think? Is he lying to me? Am I making the right decision to ditch him after I ruined his marital life?

 

The above is a pretty heavy statement, do you really think you ruined it for him? It sounds like he isn't the only one carrying around a lot of guilt. You both should consider counseling.

 

By the way, he and his wife don't communicate at all except for the twice a month when he sees his kid. I'm sure she harbors the thought of getting back with him but she doesn't talk to him at all!

 

Why 2x a month on seeing his child? Work, distance, or what? Why do you think she wants to get back with him or is it that you just assume that is the case without anything to back that up?

 

 

I have all his email passwords and access to cell phone records. I find it so ODD that both of them just don't talk to each other!

 

WHY do you have his passwords? Sounds like a lot of distrust is there, why is that? I would think it wouldn't be pleasant to live that way and if the basic trust isn't there, I don't see a future.

 

Oh yeah - I set a date for all this to be done and it was for Oct 31.

Now it's becoming clear that he can't even bring up the subject of 'divorce' to his wife, let alone file for papers! He will try to call her in my prescence but then lose courage as soon as he talks to her. They just avoid each other and don't ever talk it out!!

 

Now I'm just sick and tired of being with a wimp.. I don't know what is happening because I used to love him so much. Now I'm just sad our relationship is disintegrating because of his apathetic attitude. And I'm starting to realize this man is spineless and he irritates me! Sex is also beginning to change on my part and I just don't feel the same?

 

Based on the little information you gave us and assuming you can work through the trust issues, it sounds like you need to cut him a little slack and be understanding of each other. You both have made a lot of changes. Maybe some IC and counseling for both of you.

 

Perhaps you could gives us more info, it might help with the advise aspect you are asking for.

[Mimolicious]

Ok, your posts... No comprende.

 

Hone, this man had a life already set up. How do you expect him to press the reset button and everything is to where YOU would want it to be?

 

Did you understand what kind of R you were getting yourself involved in?

This was an A! not a bf/gf R in which some even after years of dating still can't commit. Hope therapy makes you put things into perspective and you find some answers to your questions. Good luck!

[Brokenlady]

The fact that he's keeping you hidden at 6 months post separation screams the fact that he still hasn't given up on the M. Keeping you hidden will make it easier to go home.

 

he still has going back to his wife on the table. He wants to see if it works out with you before he makes an irrevocable decision like divorce. He's keeping his foot in the wifes door, and I hate to say it, but he will keep doing it for as long as you let him. I've been in your shoes, and my DM is only divorced bc his xw filed. Your guy is going to fight to keep his options open until you make it clear you aren't going to accept him keeping the door open with his w.

 

And this isn't adding up- if he and w aren't talking, how can he say she's not ready for a D? Either she's telling him she wants him back and he's not telling you that, or he's blaming her fir his reluctance to D. Not good, either way.

Edited October 25, 2010 by Brokenlady

[greengoddess]

also you said he left her and yet she was the one to move out with the child. He's not giving you the truth.

[Confused4Now]

He promised me divorce by our anniversary so I can take him to my parents at the end of the year. Am I being unreasonable because he failed on the promise? But then, am I seriously being stringed along when he has no intention of getting a divorce? I am so confused. Why did he even make me promises then?

 

He says his wife is not ready for the divorce and he isn't too at this point. I'm not sure if I should wait anymore and realize he won't do it. I still want marriage and kids of my own one day.

 

I'm tired of not being able to tell my friends or family about our relationship. I'm constantly a secret to his friends too.

 

I'm starting therapy today.

Wow believe this in BOLD. IF he says that I can assure you he's NOT READY. When a man says this....all other promises which have a time frame ... you need to throw out the window!!!

Like everyone says....step away cause it looks like you're holding on to tight.

[Brokenlady]

Whether or not it makes financial sense, pushing to move in right now is a bad idea. It's way too soon, and it's probably also just too weird for you to move in to the apt he shared with his wife. Maybe when it's time, he can move to a new place with you.

 

I am a little concerned about your pushing for him to commit to you in such a big way. I get wanting him to cut the cord with his w if he's going to be with you, but i assure you that people freshly divorced are not first in line to sign up again. Evaluate the reality of your expectations.

[East7]

Pokemon, it is understandable that you feel stressed and anxious about the situation. But there are lots of OW/OM that dream a "happy ending" like yours, he was able to make a QUICK choice and pick you. Believe me 6 months is really quick and you are lucky ! It is very complicated to switch from a partner to another.

Don't take it like a competition between you and his W, give him time to digest his D. He "invested" in YOU, now it's time you invest on HIM. You might as well give him a deadline for the D but it would be good to support him with patience.

Your support and patience is the price you have to pay and the foundation of your future relationship. He will be thankful for that. (IMO)

[Mimolicious]

Pokemon, it is understandable that you feel stressed and anxious about the situation. But there are lots of OW/OM that dream a "happy ending" like yours, he was able to make a QUICK choice and pick you. Believe me 6 months is really quick and you are lucky ! It is very complicated to switch from a partner to another.

Don't take it like a competition between you and his W, give him time to digest his D. He "invested" in YOU, now it's time you invest on HIM. You might as well give him a deadline for the D but it would be good to support him with patience.

Your support and patience is the price you have to pay and the foundation of your future relationship. He will be thankful for that. (IMO)

 

 

He "invested" what in her? Please delight me... in the world of finance this would be considered much of a not profitable investment. This guy doesn't sound like he's exactly in a "love and light" place.

 

Yes, your support and patience is the cheapest price that you have to pay, considering that his daughter gets scraps. Sorry. I wont adore a man that doesn't fight for his child. There is no court that will keep a willing and 'healthy' parent away from its child just because...

[East7]

Yes, your support and patience is the cheapest price that you have to pay, considering that his daughter gets scraps. Sorry. I wont adore a man that doesn't fight for his child. There is no court that will keep a willing and 'healthy' parent away from its child just because...

 

I didn't comment about him as a father. I only gave my opinion about the original post of Pokemon which is about how to deal with her MM's divorce.

 

PS. I like your signature : Wanting everything, leaves you with nothing. Good point for the WS-es

Edited October 25, 2010 by East7
add smth

[Mimolicious]

I didn't comment about him as a father. I only gave my opinion about the original post of Pokemon which is about how to deal with her MM's divorce.

 

PS. I like your signature : Wanting everything, leaves you with nothing. Good point for the WS-es

 

Thanks! This is true, life has taught me this. People sometimes spend their whole life wanting everything and in search of this complete "happiness" when in fact there is not such a thing. They end up empty and with nothing and missed out on the little moments, they were not replenishing enough. All along, they didn't bother to search within themselves. They look for fullfilment in someone or something else, when these things should just compliment their lives. Beats me... I am trying to get at least half way there and even though I may not know what I want, I know what I dont want!

[Angel1111]

I'm editing this because I thought you actually lived with him. I see that's not the case. First of all, you need to drop this issue of moving in with him. It's a bad idea if you want to eventually get married. Also, you need to drop the conversations about him getting a divorce. He obviously isn't ready for that and pushing him on it will only create resentment, even if you get him to go through with it.

 

I think one of the problems is that he has had no chance to have downtime from his marriage. It takes a lot of time to process relationships and it's a mistake to think we can jump seamlessly from one to another without any backlash.

 

At this point, you need to let him have his space and back off from the relationship. Let him miss you. You also need to stop being his caretaker and taking on so many expenses. Treat him like a man and expect him to act like a man. You're babying him and that's always a mistake where men are concerned.

Edited October 25, 2010 by Angel1111

[stillafool]

Let me keep it short.

 

MM and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary.

 

He confessed about our relationship to wife 6 months ago and left. He now sees his daughter 2 times a month and she is 2.5 years old. MM and I broke up for a month when he wanted to work things out with wife in April. He did it for 2 weeks and then decided it was hell.

 

Now we live together for the last 6 months in the apartment he used to share with his wife (she moved out). But he refuses to divorce her saying he has guilt issues and needs a few more months.

 

I gave myself a year and don't want to wait anymore. But he always insists he will divorce and says it is a matter of months. He says he loves me and does not want to get back with his wife at all.

 

I want out and think my feelings for him are starting to sour and I am losing respect for him.

 

What do you guys think? Is he lying to me? Am I making the right decision to ditch him after I ruined his marital life?

 

I think he is an arsehole for not already being in process of a divorce. Why did he break his wife's heart, waste your time, finally gets what he was asking for, and now doesn't want to follow through. Another question is why hasn't his wife filed for a divorce? She couldn't possibly want that thing back, could she?

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry SG but you missed a HUGE KEYWORD there- "The level of contact with his CHILD may have no reflection on his worth as a human being". Reads kinda different, uh?

 

----

 

If he can neglect his own flesh and blood...

 

Imissed nothing. I have known personally MANY men who have been eliminated from their kids lives. I have seen women do it, I fell out with someone I was close to (a mother) I had known for years because of it. So I have a very open mind when it comes to judging people on their contact arrangements. Excuse me if I've not booked him for a hanging based on one line in a post. Oops.

Edited October 25, 2010 by Silly_Girl

[spice4life]

Pokemon, getting divorced is not easy and it will require a lot patience on your part while he sorts this out. When someone, especially a man, makes the decision to leave a M it becomes a rollercoaster ride. If you think being in an A is roller coaster, a divoece is when it really begins. If he is serious about leaving and she has moved out I would not impose Oct 31 as a deadline. Take it one step at a time. Challenge him yes, but I would back off the deadline for now and help him adjust to the separation at the moment.

[whichwayisup]

I'm editing this because I thought you actually lived with him. I see that's not the case. First of all, you need to drop this issue of moving in with him. It's a bad idea if you want to eventually get married. Also, you need to drop the conversations about him getting a divorce. He obviously isn't ready for that and pushing him on it will only create resentment, even if you get him to go through with it.

 

I think one of the problems is that he has had no chance to have downtime from his marriage. It takes a lot of time to process relationships and it's a mistake to think we can jump seamlessly from one to another without any backlash.

 

At this point, you need to let him have his space and back off from the relationship. Let him miss you. You also need to stop being his caretaker and taking on so many expenses. Treat him like a man and expect him to act like a man. You're babying him and that's always a mistake where men are concerned.

 

I'm confused, in her opening post she said,

 

Now we live together for the last 6 months in the apartment he used to share with his wife (she moved out). But he refuses to divorce her saying he has guilt issues and needs a few more months.

 

she implies here they are infact living together and somewhere in another post, she says she's paying the majority of the bills.

[Silly_Girl]

Yes, your support and patience is the cheapest price that you have to pay, considering that his daughter gets scraps. Sorry. I wont adore a man that doesn't fight for his child. There is no court that will keep a willing and 'healthy' parent away from its child just because...

 

Yes, there is. There absolutely utterly and totally is. I have been IN THE COURT when it has happened. I have even seen children adopted out and then returned because the cases were not heard fairly.

[Pokemon]

Sorry for confusing everyone.

 

I still pay rent at my own apartment but spend zero time there. Basically I commute twice as much everyday because I have to pick clothes up at my place, go to his place, go to work, go back home to do laundry, go back to his place, etc. He won't have me moved in officially so I can have it easier or help out with his rent? But he wants me to stay with him everynight?

 

If you think this is what most OW would like out of their relationship, let me tell you this has been VERY difficult. Numerous D-days, I checked out of the relationship once, he checked out too, then we get back together, and now I feel on the verge of giving up again.

 

On top of that, I feel tremendous guilt if I left the relationship and he can't pick up the pieces. Yes, I worry. So, so so much easier to be dating someone my age (26), young, single and free. This isn't the basis to start a great relationship! I still have time to get out and I know it isn't too late yet.

 

I'm going for my first therapy session now, thanks 4 all your advice!

[greengoddess]

ask yourself what is this relationship doing for you? what are you getting out of it now? It sounds like you are doing everything to keep it going and him nothing.

[whichwayisup]

If you think this is what most OW would like out of their relationship, let me tell you this has been VERY difficult. Numerous D-days, I checked out of the relationship once, he checked out too, then we get back together, and now I feel on the verge of giving up again.

 

Then slow it down. You guys have been in an affair and trying to make a relationship happen way too fast. That affair dynamic needs to change and right now it hasn't.

 

SLOW DOWN. Stop sleeping over at his house every single night.

 

DATE HIM. Do sleepovers on weekends, but not during the week.

 

Or, back off completely and tell him HE needs this time to be alone, YOU need the time to figure out if this is what you want.

 

Hope this makes sense to you.

[2sunny]

Sorry for confusing everyone.

 

I still pay rent at my own apartment but spend zero time there. Basically I commute twice as much everyday because I have to pick clothes up at my place, go to his place, go to work, go back home to do laundry, go back to his place, etc. He won't have me moved in officially so I can have it easier or help out with his rent? But he wants me to stay with him everynight?

 

If you think this is what most OW would like out of their relationship, let me tell you this has been VERY difficult. Numerous D-days, I checked out of the relationship once, he checked out too, then we get back together, and now I feel on the verge of giving up again.

 

On top of that, I feel tremendous guilt if I left the relationship and he can't pick up the pieces. Yes, I worry. So, so so much easier to be dating someone my age (26), young, single and free. This isn't the basis to start a great relationship! I still have time to get out and I know it isn't too late yet.

 

I'm going for my first therapy session now, thanks 4 all your advice!

 

well first of all - stop all that nonsense. stay at your own place at least 50% of the nights!

 

HE needs to be inconvenienced and make an effort to see YOU. make him make an effort!

 

if he doesn't - then kick him to the curb! why are you running around like a crazy gal while he makes no effort? IF he intends to see you - let him COME TO YOU!!!

 

then and only then, will you find out IF he's willing to make changes and make an effort or be inconvenienced from his end to be with you.

 

you have made it way too easy for him to do nothing.

 

and who cares what HE wants - what about what YOU want? have you forgotten that YOU have choices in all this?

[stillafool]

Sorry for confusing everyone.

 

I still pay rent at my own apartment but spend zero time there. Basically I commute twice as much everyday because I have to pick clothes up at my place, go to his place, go to work, go back home to do laundry, go back to his place, etc. He won't have me moved in officially so I can have it easier or help out with his rent? But he wants me to stay with him everynight?

 

 

 

Yes, I assumed from your first post that you guys lived together also. If you ask me this guy will not let you move in because he is still lying to his wife that he has or is trying to break it off with you. This guy sounds like a real jerk.

 

 

 

On top of that, I feel tremendous guilt if I left the relationship and he can't pick up the pieces. Yes, I worry.

 

 

 

Why should you feel guilty, look how he is treating you!

 

So, so so much easier to be dating someone my age (26), young, single and free. This isn't the basis to start a great relationship! I still have time to get out and I know it isn't too late yet.

 

I'll say. How old is this guy? Yes you certainly do still have time to leave and make a better life for yourself.

[fooled once]

Stop pushing him to divorce and let it happen when HE feels ready to.

 

Also, why do you have access to his email accounts and cell records? This seems excessive to me.. Trust obviously is an issue here, due to how you two got together. Which leads me to think that you two shouldn't have moved in together so quickly. She moves out, you move in .. He's had NO time, no period of adjustment to sort things out, grieve the loss of his marriage, his family unit as one, under one roof. Not saying this is all your fault, it's his too, he brought it on himself..

 

Was his wife the one who decided he can only see his 2.5 year old child twice a month? Or was that his decision? I can see her not wanting you around the toddler, rightfully so - Though it does seem odd that a father would be okay with this arrangement, not be pushing to see his child more often.

 

Ditto. SO why do you say you are living together when you aren't? You are sleeping at his house. You don't live there since you state you go home to change and do laundry. You are having sleep overs, nothing more.

 

twice a month isn't enough to build a relationship with a child. he needs to spend his time focusing on that relationship.

 

he tells you he doesn't talk to his W. MM lie all the time...

 

YOU can make decisions for YOU... what he does is up to him.

 

make decisions that are in YOUR best interest. no one else is going to look out for you - except YOU!

 

I completely agree. I believe also that he is leaving the door open to reconcile with his wife. The fact that he is paying her money (as he should because most courts will grant her that and NOW since he has shown he has the ability to do it, he will end up with a judgment stating he needs to continue this amount).

 

I also have to agree what a piss poor father he is. He has enough time to sneak around and have an affair and now play house with you - but ONLY see's his daughter twice a month? If he wants more, he can easily go to court and get more. Sorry Silly, I disagree with you. Many men who FIGHT for their visitation with their child are given it. MANY states in the US now will do 50/50 visitation, especially when the child is so young. This guy seems more interested in having sleep overs with his affair partner than parenting his child. I had an ex who chose to NOT exercise his visitation (which ended up being a good thing all around in my case). But in this case this guy is just NOT following through on ANYTHING except sleep overs.

 

Ok, let me clarify.

Yes, they have split bank accounts and he writes a check to her every month (quite a big sum). I am taking on 70% of our shared expenses right now, like dinners and such. I asked to move in to give up the lease of my apartment so I can help him out with his rent but he refuses to make that commitment. I don't understand why he wants me to feel the financial burden when change can be made? He wants me here but I can't move in?

 

He sees the child twice a month because his wife won't let him. I raised it because it seems like he may be a bad father but I'm in denial of it myself. He wants to see the kid more but when I tell him to raise it to his wife, he just says, "yeah I have to", then sighs and does nothing to change it.

 

He is seeing the child twice a m

 

Stop being at his beck and call. Get a life for yourself OUTSIDE of him. What are you going to do when his wife gets the custody papers to state he is not allowed to have a girlfriend at his place when he has visitation? She can do it and MANY courts encourage that so the kids aren't being introduced to new people all the time.

 

Allow him to "chase' you. You have put a timeline on his divorce - which is silly since HE cannot control court dates. I DO agree with having a timeline for him filing papers - and if your timeline is Oct. 31, he has less than a week to complete this. I highly doubt he will. Know why? Because you are making it too easy. You aren't enforcing your boundaries. IF he misses the Oct. 31 deadline, follow through with your threat of ending the relationship. He can then decide if he wants more time and space to get his head on straight; but he isn't doing that with you right there every day with your demands of moving in . He needs time to be independent and decide what he wants. I have a feeling he is going to end back up with his wife.

 

I also think it is frightening that he has given you all his passwords and I have a feeling you check his cell phone records every day to see if he has called his wife. Maybe he is talking to her from work? Maybe he has another email account?

 

Bottom line - there is NO trust in your relationship. Without trust, you will NOT be able to build a healthy, sound foundation for a relationship.

 

The fact that he's keeping you hidden at 6 months post separation screams the fact that he still hasn't given up on the M. Keeping you hidden will make it easier to go home.

 

he still has going back to his wife on the table. He wants to see if it works out with you before he makes an irrevocable decision like divorce. He's keeping his foot in the wifes door, and I hate to say it, but he will keep doing it for as long as you let him. I've been in your shoes, and my DM is only divorced bc his xw filed. Your guy is going to fight to keep his options open until you make it clear you aren't going to accept him keeping the door open with his w.

 

And this isn't adding up- if he and w aren't talking, how can he say she's not ready for a D? Either she's telling him she wants him back and he's not telling you that, or he's blaming her fir his reluctance to D. Not good, either way.

 

I agree BL. She is still a secret? That is very telling and should be a HUGE red flag to the poster.

 

Sorry for confusing everyone.

 

I still pay rent at my own apartment but spend zero time there. Basically I commute twice as much everyday because I have to pick clothes up at my place, go to his place, go to work, go back home to do laundry, go back to his place, etc. He won't have me moved in officially so I can have it easier or help out with his rent? But he wants me to stay with him everynight?

 

If you think this is what most OW would like out of their relationship, let me tell you this has been VERY difficult. Numerous D-days, I checked out of the relationship once, he checked out too, then we get back together, and now I feel on the verge of giving up again.

 

On top of that, I feel tremendous guilt if I left the relationship and he can't pick up the pieces. Yes, I worry. So, so so much easier to be dating someone my age (26), young, single and free. This isn't the basis to start a great relationship! I still have time to get out and I know it isn't too late yet.

 

I'm going for my first therapy session now, thanks 4 all your advice!

 

Therapy will be good for you. You need to be able to have a life outside of him and it sounds like you don't.

 

well first of all - stop all that nonsense. stay at your own place at least 50% of the nights!

 

HE needs to be inconvenienced and make an effort to see YOU. make him make an effort!

 

if he doesn't - then kick him to the curb! why are you running around like a crazy gal while he makes no effort? IF he intends to see you - let him COME TO YOU!!!

 

then and only then, will you find out IF he's willing to make changes and make an effort or be inconvenienced from his end to be with you.

 

you have made it way too easy for him to do nothing.

 

and who cares what HE wants - what about what YOU want? have you forgotten that YOU have choices in all this?

 

Excellent post.

[Fieldsofgold]

Let's see, you're still a secret. He won't let you actually move in; you keep all your clothes and belongings at hour house, pack a bag to go sleep with him, but do your laundry, etc. at YOUR house.You don't "live" with him at all; you just drive over to his house to sleep with him. It sounds to me like he does not so much have a relationship with you, as you are just his bed warmer. I am incensed on your behalf that he lets YOU do all the shuttling around. What a convenience you are for him! You DO realize how much of the "giving" and "accommodating" you are doing, and how little he is doing? That is not the right way for him to be treating you. He should be working to win you.

 

If I were going to guess, I would guess that his W left him, he either wants her back, or is not sure he ready to lose her. And you are a "comfort" to him. That would be my guess.

 

I would like to see your self-esteem/self-worth improved in counseling. Then you would recognize when someone is treating you with respect (this guy is not. I'm sorry. That's how it looks to me.)

[BB07]

After reading your clarification Pokemom, I have to agree with the other posters.....FO and FOG are two that should hit home for you.

 

Take care of YOU and don't settle for him flip flopping around to that extreme. I wish you well.