He Left Home, wants me to stay but won't Divorce?

[2sunny]

Let's see, you're still a secret. He won't let you actually move in; you keep all your clothes and belongings at hour house, pack a bag to go sleep with him, but do your laundry, etc. at YOUR house.You don't "live" with him at all; you just drive over to his house to sleep with him. It sounds to me like he does not so much have a relationship with you, as you are just his bed warmer. I am incensed on your behalf that he lets YOU do all the shuttling around. What a convenience you are for him! You DO realize how much of the "giving" and "accommodating" you are doing, and how little he is doing? That is not the right way for him to be treating you. He should be working to win you.

 

If I were going to guess, I would guess that his W left him, he either wants her back, or is not sure he ready to lose her. And you are a "comfort" to him. That would be my guess.

 

I would like to see your self-esteem/self-worth improved in counseling. Then you would recognize when someone is treating you with respect (this guy is not. I'm sorry. That's how it looks to me.)

 

as if all that isn't bad enough then she also says this:

 

I am taking on 70% of our shared expenses right now, like dinners and such.

 

honey... he's totally using you. and you are doing nothing except begging for him to use you more.

 

stop it. please, just stop it. tell him to take a f-ing hike!

[Silly_Girl]

It does seem odd they don't talk. Is this a 'break' do you think? And not a 'split'? That would be a feasible explanation for the things you've raised.

 

Now you've clarified as you have, in the absence of any other info, I'm convinced of the above and think you're sitting on an emotional timebomb waiting to go off. But you can take things in hand and don't need to hang around for the messy bit. Good luck.

[pureinheart]

Let me keep it short.

 

MM and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary.

 

He confessed about our relationship to wife 6 months ago and left. He now sees his daughter 2 times a month and she is 2.5 years old. MM and I broke up for a month when he wanted to work things out with wife in April. He did it for 2 weeks and then decided it was hell.

 

Now we live together for the last 6 months in the apartment he used to share with his wife (she moved out). But he refuses to divorce her saying he has guilt issues and needs a few more months.

 

I gave myself a year and don't want to wait anymore. But he always insists he will divorce and says it is a matter of months. He says he loves me and does not want to get back with his wife at all.

 

I want out and think my feelings for him are starting to sour and I am losing respect for him.

 

What do you guys think? Is he lying to me? Am I making the right decision to ditch him after I ruined his marital life?

 

First of all ...you did not ruin his M, the M mostlikely had many issues before you came on the scene.

 

I don't think he's lying to you or else he would not have returned to you.

 

Please keep in mind, this is just "my" way of doing business. I don't have sex, nor live together until M, I think in some cases it can complicate things and possibly rush things before their time. I just believe in the old fashioned way of courting and such...I totally realise this is drastic to most these days, although I really believe (from experience) that going from one R to another can cause problems. There just isn't anytime to re-group and I think that is important.

 

Bottom line, you want him free, and due to that I will say this...why does he have to D when he has you right there...maybe he needs a kick start?

[pureinheart]

Just wow........you are making a lot of assumptions on just a little information.

 

Twice a month seeing his child is not ideal but let's wait till we hear why that is before everyone labels him a terrible dad.

 

 

Double wow for me...every case IS different. My dad saw me two times a month when he could...his job required him to be gone most of the time, he could not help that, he traveled 100,000 air miles in one year, that is a lot of air miles and time.

 

When I got into my early teens I asked him to only pick me up once a month because I didn't like being away from home.

 

Then when I got older and he was retired he came up to see me all of the time...I reallyh should have been going to see him, but he felt because I had kids it would be easier for him. He was always there for me, he never denied me ANYTHING EVER.

 

He was a very maticulate person concerning finances and gave me the tools so that my stepmother couldn't screw me over if she tried (and she did).

 

My kids didn't see their dads at all until they got older and they never paid child support.

 

Actually I had more of a R with my dad than most kids who are living with their dads. You can live in the same house and not know the people you live with.

 

 

 

 

 

Pokemon, getting divorced is not easy and it will require a lot patience on your part while he sorts this out. When someone, especially a man, makes the decision to leave a M it becomes a rollercoaster ride. If you think being in an A is roller coaster, a divoece is when it really begins. If he is serious about leaving and she has moved out I would not impose Oct 31 as a deadline. Take it one step at a time. Challenge him yes, but I would back off the deadline for now and help him adjust to the separation at the moment.

 

Now that I have read more of the thread I agree with this.

 

Some people have a very difficult time with the D for many reasons. I hung in there with exDM, although it just about killed me...maybe someday he'll understand and appreciate the crap I went through..it doesn't matter really though, God has good stuff for me:D

[Mimolicious]

Yes, there is. There absolutely utterly and totally is. I have been IN THE COURT when it has happened. I have even seen children adopted out and then returned because the cases were not heard fairly.

 

 

"ADOPTED". A whole different ballgame... Nobody here is speaking about ADOPTED children. Besides, for all parties to sit at a "ADOPTION REVERSAL" hearing. BOTH biological parents way before getting there gave up their rights to this child. Unless you live in a 3rd world nation, where Madonna and Angelina Jolie purchase, I mean adopt children. This doesn't stand in the US. You would have to be an extreme case i.e. raped, etc... to not have joint legal rights to a child.

 

NO US family court denies not even a child support non-paying parent the rights to visititation. On the contrary, they encourage it. Unless you are a child molester, sex-offender who can put may endanger the welfare of a child and a court finds you as such, you can be a convicted KINGPIN and you will still have visitation rights.

 

I know plenty of deadbeat fathers that drag this fallible excuse, so others can buy the story of them not going all out for their children.

I wouldn't be able to keep my xH away from my kids, even if I wanted to be a conniving biotch... He will stand in front of my house day and night or stand on the corner waiting for the school bus.

 

I have zero respect for parents who their children are not their #1 priority. When there is a will, there is a way!

[Mimolicious]

I'm confused, in her opening post she said,

 

 

 

she implies here they are infact living together and somewhere in another post, she says she's paying the majority of the bills.

 

 

So am I. I could have sworn that she started this thread saying that she moved in with him when his wife moved out, no?

[Silly_Girl]

"ADOPTED". A whole different ballgame... Nobody here is speaking about ADOPTED children. Besides, for all parties to sit at a "ADOPTION REVERSAL" hearing. BOTH biological parents way before getting there gave up their rights to this child. Unless you live in a 3rd world nation, where Madonna and Angelina Jolie purchase, I mean adopt children. This doesn't stand in the US. You would have to be an extreme case i.e. raped, etc... to not have joint legal rights to a child.

 

NO US family court denies not even a child support non-paying parent the rights to visititation. On the contrary, they encourage it. Unless you are a child molester, sex-offender who can put may endanger the welfare of a child and a court finds you as such, you can be a convicted KINGPIN and you will still have visitation rights.

 

I know plenty of deadbeat fathers that drag this fallible excuse, so others can buy the story of them not going all out for their children.

I wouldn't be able to keep my xH away from my kids, even if I wanted to be a conniving biotch... He will stand in front of my house day and night or stand on the corner waiting for the school bus.

 

I have zero respect for parents who their children are not their #1 priority. When there is a will, there is a way!

 

Clearly you know nothing about the way things are done in the UK. Likewise I have no clue how contact arrangements are made in the US.

[Angel1111]

You know, there actually is another solution other than knocking yourself out for this man vs. leaving him. You are so bent on babying him that it's really ridiculous. Who cares if he wants you with him every night? It's driving you nuts going here and there all the time. He is such a spoiled child, it's unreal, and you're just encouraging this behavior and attitude. If he wants to see you, let it be more on your terms than his. Stop running around like a chicken with your head chopped off. What exactly is the purpose in all that? You seem to think that if you don't do everything he wants, if you're not around 24/7, that the world is going to suddenly collapse. Lighten up, girl! Let this man come after you for a change.

Edited October 26, 2010 by Angel1111

[Mimolicious]

Double wow for me...every case IS different. My dad saw me two times a month when he could...his job required him to be gone most of the time, he could not help that, he traveled 100,000 air miles in one year, that is a lot of air miles and time.

 

When I got into my early teens I asked him to only pick me up once a month because I didn't like being away from home.

 

Then when I got older and he was retired he came up to see me all of the time...I reallyh should have been going to see him, but he felt because I had kids it would be easier for him. He was always there for me, he never denied me ANYTHING EVER.

 

He was a very maticulate person concerning finances and gave me the tools so that my stepmother couldn't screw me over if she tried (and she did).

 

My kids didn't see their dads at all until they got older and they never paid child support.

 

Actually I had more of a R with my dad than most kids who are living with their dads. You can live in the same house and not know the people you live with.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now that I have read more of the thread I agree with this.

 

Some people have a very difficult time with the D for many reasons. I hung in there with exDM, although it just about killed me...maybe someday he'll understand and appreciate the crap I went through..it doesn't matter really though, God has good stuff for me:D

 

(bolded) Was this because you kept them away or because they kept themselves away? The "why" makes a whole new world of difference.

 

On the same note, your father had a way of life that mandated this kind of arragement. Would your father agreed to see you 2 times a month if he worked a 9-5, 10 mins away?

 

Nowhere in this entire thread has been stated WHY this MM sees his daughter 2 times a month. So for those that say "people are jumping into conclusions" here. That's what happens when assertive info is not provided. We do know that his AP is jumping through rings of fire to be around him at all times.

 

Anyway, back to the subject.

 

Hope therapy helps. I mean, all that is going on shouldn't be so surprising to you. You knew he was a MM with a family. From your posts, you may benefit best from your therapy just for self-help and not so exclusive to fixing this R. Sounds very crash and burn, unless you just get use to living your life with a 70% outflow.

[Mimolicious]

Clearly you know nothing about the way things are done in the UK. Likewise I have no clue how contact arrangements are made in the US.

 

 

And clearly you know nothing about the way things are done in the US. Even Steven. I believe in my post I clearly stated "US". I don't have to worry about UK family court rules... not in my plans to visit them.

[Mimolicious]

You know, there actually is another solution other than knocking yourself out for this man vs. leaving him. You are so bent on babying him that it's really ridiculous. Who cares if he wants you with him every night? It's driving you nuts going here and there all the time. He is such a spoiled child, it's unreal, and you're just encouraging this behavior and attitude. If he wants to see you, let it be more on your terms than his. Stop running around like a chicken with your head chopped off. What exactly is the purpose in all that? You seem to think that if you don't do everything he wants, if you're not around 24/7, that the world is going to suddenly collapse. Lighten up, girl! Let this man come after you for a change.

 

Or he can call his Mommy! (Sorry, I just had to add some humor to this).

 

Hone, you're 26 right? You really want to dull your shine this way? Ask yourself this: Where do you see yourself October 2011 with your MM? If your gut tells you that it will be remotely close to where you are now.... Lord knows what he is trying to save you from and you don't see the signs. 5 yrs from now this may be you, with a child that he sees 2 times a month, and has someone else staying at your place. This guys sounds like an emotional leech. Best of wishes!

[Silly_Girl]

And clearly you know nothing about the way things are done in the US. Even Steven. I believe in my post I clearly stated "US". I don't have to worry about UK family court rules... not in my plans to visit them.

 

This really made me chuckle! I'd not seen the distinction you picked up on. My lad and I are doing some DIY in the school hols while we're both off. I'd started replying on my mobile, wandered off and got busy with my drill, then continued typing.

 

I take that hit in good nature!!

[Carrot2000]

You seem to think that if you don't do everything he wants, if you're not around 24/7, that the world is going to suddenly collapse.

 

She's probably afraid that if she doesn't do everything he wants and is not around 24/7, he will go back to his wife. Going back "home" is still a very real possibility...that's why she's forcing the divorce issue and freaking out because it hasn't happened.

[Mimolicious]

This really made me chuckle! I'd not seen the distinction you picked up on. My lad and I are doing some DIY in the school hols while we're both off. I'd started replying on my mobile, wandered off and got busy with my drill, then continued typing.

 

I take that hit in good nature!!

 

YOU silly girl you!

[Pokemon]

Just an update:

 

I started my first session of therapy and it's been very helpful. I feel much more at peace and at ease than a year ago before me and MM met.

 

I started to re-focus on my goals (instead of including him in them), and at this point, I just feel no urge to meet him at all. I've wanted to get to this point for awhile now, to move on without the fear of him returning to his wife or whatever, because the whole thing with him is just so much unnecessary drama.

 

I'm going to work with my therapist to break free of this cycle. I really want my life back, instead of being part of this sick triangle which does nothing beneficial to my well-being or future. I figure if they want to get back together, it will take some serious deep counseling, which might not even work, but it's not my problem anymore. I'm learning to let go of my guilt.

[Silly_Girl]

Just an update:

 

I started my first session of therapy and it's been very helpful. I feel much more at peace and at ease than a year ago before me and MM met.

 

I started to re-focus on my goals (instead of including him in them), and at this point, I just feel no urge to meet him at all. I've wanted to get to this point for awhile now, to move on without the fear of him returning to his wife or whatever, because the whole thing with him is just so much unnecessary drama.

 

I'm going to work with my therapist to break free of this cycle. I really want my life back, instead of being part of this sick triangle which does nothing beneficial to my well-being or future. I figure if they want to get back together, it will take some serious deep counseling, which might not even work, but it's not my problem anymore. I'm learning to let go of my guilt.

 

Pokemon, I met a MM and thought I was safe. I was desperate to be single, and he was married. I fell for him. We stumbled along and when he was due to move out and leave his wife, he said he 'wasn't sure', but would still move. It got messy.

 

I had therapy (still having an hour a week for a lot of other compounded stuff). The very best time for me was when I felt I was at a fork in the road. One path included MM, one didn't. And yet both were EQUALLY appealing. Both excited and engaged me. Both held challenges and gave me lots of time for my son, and my closest friends. Both made me feel good about myself meant I appreciated my circumstances. That took a lot of work, but it was worth it!!! I don't mean to say I didn't care if MM and I made it, but us ending gave me a whole other load of wonderful stuff too. I had held him up, previously, as the epitome of happiness and I had no clue I was doing it. Best of luck to you

[pureinheart]

(bolded) Was this because you kept them away or because they kept themselves away? The "why" makes a whole new world of difference.

 

On the same note, your father had a way of life that mandated this kind of arragement. Would your father agreed to see you 2 times a month if he worked a 9-5, 10 mins away?

 

Nowhere in this entire thread has been stated WHY this MM sees his daughter 2 times a month. So for those that say "people are jumping into conclusions" here. That's what happens when assertive info is not provided. We do know that his AP is jumping through rings of fire to be around him at all times.

 

Anyway, back to the subject.

 

Hope therapy helps. I mean, all that is going on shouldn't be so surprising to you. You knew he was a MM with a family. From your posts, you may benefit best from your therapy just for self-help and not so exclusive to fixing this R. Sounds very crash and burn, unless you just get use to living your life with a 70% outflow.

 

Bold, that is why it's best not to jump to conclusions without all of the info:D

 

My kids dads chose to stay away.

[Mimolicious]

Bold, that is why it's best not to jump to conclusions without all of the info:D

 

My kids dads chose to stay away.

 

 

See... he's a complete deadbeat! It was his choice, no excuse there.

I'll never understand how can someone neglect their own children. (in your case) what a shame and their loss!

[Angel1111]

She's probably afraid that if she doesn't do everything he wants and is not around 24/7, he will go back to his wife. Going back "home" is still a very real possibility...that's why she's forcing the divorce issue and freaking out because it hasn't happened.

 

Great. Then I say let him go. If it's that much work to keep him, then he isn't worth hanging onto.

[Angel1111]

I really want my life back, instead of being part of this sick triangle which does nothing beneficial to my well-being or future.

 

I think it's great that you're talking to a counselor about this. One thing that I think is important to understand is that you're the one who controls your reaction to things. You don't control him or anything else - but you can choose how you respond. So you have a choice about stepping away from the madness and it's quite easy to get your life back. At the same time, I don't think it's fair of you to resent him for all the sacrifices you made because as long as you were willing to do it, he was willing to let you. I would suggest that you start staying at your place more often, let him know that it's becoming too difficult for you to continually go back and forth, and that he's welcome to come see you if he wants to. If he doesn't like that, if he doesn't see you or uses the opportunity to reconnect with his wife, then so be it. Just stop doing the dance and let him come to you on his own. Personally, I think he needs the down-time to process his marriage and his relationship with you. He hasn't taken the time to really do that and it will always remain unresolved until he makes peace with it, in whatever way he does that.

Edited October 27, 2010 by Angel1111