look forward Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Hi Guys I am just curious if any of you are or have been though what I am going through.. I was with my partner for nearly nine years then we split for nearly a year got back together for a month I was happy so was he but he couldn't deal with his guilt (he cheated initially hence the breakup).. He had some sort of break down and is clinically depressed.. I was willing to help him through this and support him but he seems to want no help from me whatsoever, he says he has put me through enough and I deserve better blah blah the thing is i know the guy loves me and I love him so whats the problem? he doesn't understand why i have forgiven him or why i still want to be with him? is this the depression talking or is it him? He is having therapy and is now on medication but I haven't heard from him in over a month as I felt it was best i leave him alone as he asked.. I know he thinks he is doing the right thing because he just wasn't listening to me when i said i wanted to be with him he just couldn't grasp it.. Is this the depression talking or is it just his way out?.. I am so confused right now I just dont know anymore? Has anyone had a partner who has suffered from depression and pushed them away saying it was for the best .. i mean why wont he just let me help him? I really love him and hope that he will start to see a bit clearly once the depression lifts but I cant help thinking my efforts will be in vain.. But its so hard for me to just close that chapter in my life and move on when I know he is suffering I guess if i knew he was with someone else and happy that would be different I wouldn't have a choice but right now I am in limbo and really dont know what I am doing?? Help please anyone?? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 I know he thinks he is doing the right thing because he just wasn't listening to me when i said i wanted to be with him he just couldn't grasp it.. Is this the depression talking or is it just his way out?.. It is common for depressed people to believe they are a burden to others. Depressed people who commit suicide often do so because they believe they are too much of a burden for their families to bear. I would get back in touch with him if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author look forward Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 moimeme thanks for your response and I hear what your saying but he was pushing me away so much i thought it best I leave him alone. I am scared if i contact him i will push him away but i guess this is different as he is depressed. What do you think I should do drop him an e-mail asking him how he is getting on? I'm really concerned about him but i dont want to frighten him further away from me. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Email him or even phone him. It shouldn't push him away. I'd be very surprised if he wasn't wondering why you weren't contacting him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Smoove Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 the guys feeling depressed of course cos hes guilty and also to make you feel sorry 4 him. It seems that youv forgiven which is very admirable. Just tell him 2 snap out of it if you love me you will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author look forward Posted March 4, 2004 Author Share Posted March 4, 2004 moimeme I stopped contacting him because everytime he saw me he would be in tears the more I said I would be there for him the more of an emotional wreck he would be... I still persisted calling and going to see him but I could see that he wanted me to back off.. so the last time I saw him he said he would call and I left it at that and now a month later I'm wondering what the hell is going on. He has been on medication over a month now surely its started to work if only a little plus the counselling must be helping him.. I thought it would be best if I let him come to me rather than hound him.. but maybe your right and I'll contact him.. Smoove - I'm not sure he is doing this for me to feel sorry for him the guy is genuinely depressed and cant just "snap out of it" so to speak. This is a serious condition not to be taken lightly, I only wish it was that simple.. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Smoove - it is inexcusable in this information age for anyone to show so little knowledge about depression. Number one piece of information that you need to commit to memory: Depression can NOT be cured by telling somebody to 'snap out of it'. It is a chemical illness, not a blue mood. Go, please, and read some medical articles about depression. Ignorant people can do a LOT of harm to depressed people with that sort of attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
Smoove Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Sorry pls forgive 4 my ignorance. It was way out of context, but I felt the guy was really trying to make her feel sorry for himself because of what he had done to her, and showing that by depression is rather pointless. I know what depression feels like, but i guess people have their own way of going through it according to their circumstances. I apologise once again. Beware 'look forward' not to fall into the trap of depression because seeing him in this state will force you to succomb to the gravitating forces which depression can cause. Give him space and i mean a lot. Im not saying that he is in the wrong but it is unhealthy for you especially to experience it. I dont know if im making sense here. I know you must be killing to help him, but you have to think if you yourself cant get help him, then you must let it go for him to help himself, and when he does he will have be a better person for you and himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author look forward Posted March 4, 2004 Author Share Posted March 4, 2004 So Smooth your saying I should leave him alone and let him come to me right? You think if i get too close to him I could start suffering signs of depression.. I feel like I am suffering them already to be honest its all such a nightmare.. I thought best to leave him alone but i know he feels like a burden to me so am scared he will think that I dont care and that I think i am better off without him so wont contact me at all.. then i am scared that if i do contact him he will continue to shut me out as he thinks he is such a bad person and has done me such wrongs that he doesn;t deserve to speak to me I know thats the depression talking.. i'm just not sure how best handle this situation.. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Just call him. As you said, he's been on the drugs for a month. He may be embarrassed about how he treated you before. If he's still in a bad state, you'll find out. If he's on the mend, you'll find out. One call will not be the end of the world. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Look Forward You sound a great person, i wish my s/o had your views towards someone with a medical condition they can't help. I had anxiety prob & she was there for me, but for her own needs, so i would go home. Mabe it's our caring upbringing that tells us that you don't throw someone away thats ill, even if it hurts us. "Do to those, as you would want done to you" This is true I too feel guilt as to my prob being put on her, but she says she had enough & obviously sees me getting in the way of her life & probably thinks i won't be well, ever. But she says she wants me to be well, but she doesn't put her money where her mouth is, so to speak! All i talk about to my therapist is my guilt as to how she felt & i was being told to concentrate on myself, i just feel so bad about this pushing away my girl who i love. Depression makes you feel guilty & i think he doesn't want to hurt you, truthfully. You are a diamond & he is a lucky guy It can also make you feel insecure & in need of attention, like a baby in a way. I would write a caring letter to him, it's not pushy & intrusive as a phone call & he can read it over & over again Smoove is talking bollocks, mabe he will one day get depressed & realise it's no game! Your situation realy hit home to me & makes me think that there are caring trustworthy people out there, i just lost hope in finding her! PM me if you need more to chat, i know a bit about these affects. Thee's also a book thats good called "depression fallout" by Anne Sheffield. Take Care Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts