Think I'm losing my girlfriend. I need some honest insight

[tinker]

This will be kind of long, so please bear with me.My girlfriend lives in New Jersey and I live in Maryland, we have been seeing each other for about 4 months, and we try to see each other every weekend. The first couple of months were absolutely amazing. I would go to her house in Jersey City and she would show me the city, took me to New York city, Philly etc. It was wonderful.

 

A few months ago she started acting differently though. I grew suspicious, and looked at her phone. I still feel slightly bad about this, but my suspicions were somewhat correct. I discovered there is a guy she works with who has been in love with her for over 2 years now or so. Her texts basically said she felt something for him, but that she was confused and didn't know what to do because she was with me. As soon as i saw her phone, I immediately got my things and left her house (even though I had only been there for a few hours or so) and I left her a text basically saying if she wanted to be with him then I'll make it easier for us and end it before it gets worse. This was around 2 in the morning. She fell asleep so I figured she wasn't going to get it untill the morning, but I got a call from her 10 minutes later. She was crying hysterically, so I came back to talk to her face to face. She basically said she wanted to be with me and she's sorry and that she didn't want to lose me, so I believed her and the month after that we were doing great again.

 

This past weekend she seemed distant again and when I talked to her about it she said she feels like I don't romance her enough and that when she comes to see me (we switch off every weekend) and that we don't do much, or go to fancy restaurants, which is pretty much true. She likes to go out and party and have some drinks, as do I, so we've been going out with my friends to bars or clubs at night, which she seemed to be happy with. Now I feel terrible because I haven't romanced her at all, and she said she doesn't know if she feels the same spark that we had before. I think this also has to do with guy from her work. I've asked her if she's been talking to him, but she says it's only work related.

 

My dilemma is that I have crazy strong feelings for her, and I want to try to make it up to her and show her that I want to be romantic with her. I want to give her the world, but my ultimate question is, is it worth it? I was thinking about getting a limo, and having a secluded candle lit dinner at one of the best restaurants in baltimore, but I'm not sure if it will change how she will feel about me. She isn't a gold digger, or particularly needy, but part of me thinks if I go all out for her that she will really appreciate it and rekindle our relationship, and another thinks that she's already made up her mind that she won't feel the same. Is it possible that this will save my relationship? I want to give this girl the world, but because I don't have very many close girlfriends, I don't have much insight on this. Any advice would be wonderful. Please help!!

[Truthseeker-John]

Hi Tinker.

I'm not such a great expert on relationships but here's my contribution anyway. I think that she really does love you. She says she chooses to be with you but for any relationship to work, there has to be trust. That I think is why she went distant on you, your lack of trusting her. It rings a bell with me because I once had a long distant relationship but she didn't trust me and I know what it is like. I kept telling her that I choose to be with her but in the end her lack of trusting destroyed our relationship.

 

Risky business I know but it won't work unless you have trust and are positive about each other.

 

Yes, it would be a good idea to be more romantic when she comes to see you. Greet her with flowers - most women like that! Go out to restaurants and show her your city. Go to a music concert. Myself, I like romantic classical music, such as Rachmaninoff - how about her (and yourself)? Be romantic and make her feel special and wanted, by actions rather than only the words "I love you".

 

 

Good luck!

John

Edited October 25, 2010 by Truthseeker-John

[Guitarjeff]

I'll have to go opposite from John here, I say this is because of the guy at work and you said that she told the guy she feels something toward him. He gets to work on her every day, while you see her less frequently. You shouldn't have to blow big bucks still chasing her, she should simply want romance from you, and romance doesn't require limos and expensive places to eat.

 

I'm on the other side, I say end this thing before you continue to put deeper and deeper feelings forward to be crushed later. Look what happened when you left, she called you crying, wanting you back. If you cow to her demands and also shower her with UNDESERVED attention, fine eating and money spent, she's only going to feel you are even weaker where she is concerned, and that doesn't mesh with respect. I say turn her in to the dumpee and you the dumper before she gets so bored with you that she does it first. If she really loves you and wants you then she will come and take her man back, but if you grovel she'll lose respect for you and that will be the end. This smells to high heaven like the guy at work, sorry, but your only hope is to be firm, not weak and needy. Look what happened in the past when you were strong and walked out telling her you would make her decision easy?

[Truthseeker-John]

Well Tinker, take your pick

[Truthseeker-John]

Guitarjeff, do you speed-read or something? Where does it say he groveled to her? Quite the reverse. And what is wrong with a woman (or a man) crying anyway?

 

.... As soon as i saw her phone, I immediately got my things and left her house (even though I had only been there for a few hours or so) and I left her a text basically saying if she wanted to be with him then I'll make it easier for us and end it before it gets worse.

This was around 2 in the morning. She fell asleep so I figured she wasn't going to get it until the morning, but I got a call from her 10 minutes later. She was crying hysterically, so I came back to talk to her face to face.

She basically said she wanted to be with me and she's sorry and that she didn't want to lose me, so I believed her and the month after that we were doing great again.

 

This past weekend she seemed distant again ...

[tinker]

Hmmmm, you make a good point guitarjeff... To be honest, I was thinking about maybe giving her some space and seeing what happens. Telling her that maybe we should take some time and if she ends up with the other guy from work, so be it ya know? At the same time she does make good points about not romancing her. Her biggest thing was that she says I don't show her enough ways to say I love her, or that I care about her. Obviously she knows I do, but that isn't enough and shouldn't be enough. She said I haven't really tried wooing her or showing her that she's special since the first month or so that we were together.

 

She makes good points, but the problem I'm struggling with is what you mention- that if I take her to a fancy restaurant that she'll think I'm doing it just because I want to save our relationship, not because I just want to make her happy. It could either come across as really sweet, or I could look like a total tool and I'm beginning to think that taking her somewhere amazing might not matter so much anymore. She's even more distant the past few days. Not texting me nearly as much or saying she loves me or asking me how my day is going. It's killing me.

[quankanne]

sounds like she's seeing how far through the hoop you're going to jump, son ... I totally get the part about wanting visible proof of someone's love, but there are considerations to make, esp. regarding the fact this is a long-distance relationship. Would sending her a card or letter be considered romantic? Sharing quirky stories cut out of the newspaper (I did this when my husband – before we were married – was working in Saudi Arabia, and he seemed to get a kick out of it)? Reading passages from books or reciting funny bits from a movie/video? You know ... doing those little things that show you that you're thinking specifically of her when you hear/see those things ...

 

my guess is that she's pitting you and the coworker against each other to see who is going to be more "romantic" toward her ... the winner is the one who gives her the most attention.

 

which, IMO, isn't fair, because he's on-site and has the advantage of having access to her daily ... you're already behind because of this.

 

as for what the other poster said about her pitching a hissy and crying the night you left to give her space? I think he's on the money – she's trying to see which monkey dances better, plain and simple.

[tinker]

sounds like she's seeing how far through the hoop you're going to jump, son ... I totally get the part about wanting visible proof of someone's love, but there are considerations to make, esp. regarding the fact this is a long-distance relationship. Would sending her a card or letter be considered romantic? Sharing quirky stories cut out of the newspaper (I did this when my husband – before we were married – was working in Saudi Arabia, and he seemed to get a kick out of it)? Reading passages from books or reciting funny bits from a movie/video? You know ... doing those little things that show you that you're thinking specifically of her when you hear/see those things ...

 

my guess is that she's pitting you and the coworker against each other to see who is going to be more "romantic" toward her ... the winner is the one who gives her the most attention.

 

which, IMO, isn't fair, because he's on-site and has the advantage of having access to her daily ... you're already behind because of this.

 

as for what the other poster said about her pitching a hissy and crying the night you left to give her space? I think he's on the money – she's trying to see which monkey dances better, plain and simple.

 

 

So what do you think I should do though? Would taking her out in a limo to one of the best restaurants in baltimore be too much? Would it even be worth it? I sent her roses about a month ago just to show her that I missed her and was thinking about her. She liked that. But should I show her more? All I want to do is make her happy. I'm just not sure it will be worth it in the end.

[quankanne]

if she makes it about spending money, then you've both lost sight of what's romantic. Yeah, a limo to a fancy meal would be swell ... but so would doing something with her that y'all don't normally do when you're together. Hell ... take her fishing, or since Halloween is around the corner, check out a local haunted site or two. Pack a picnic lunch and hit a local park (or cemetery if she doesn't easily freak). Really, anything that shows you're thinking of her ... frankly, innovative thinking scores high points (well, with ME, )

 

go back to the things she likes: Does she collect antique jewelry? Baseball cards? Marilyn Monroe artsy stuff? Does she scrapbook or bead or knit or anything? Is she a music-lover? You can find stuff that's not too expensive or even burn a CD of music she likes ... stuff like that, because it shows you've been paying attention to her likes, etc.

 

I realize I'm a jaded old fart, but when my husband makes a high-dollar "declaration of love" the messag I get is, "I know I'm in the doghouse, so I'm making this grand gesture so you'll like me again" ... WRONG! :D:D

[tinker]

if she makes it about spending money, then you've both lost sight of what's romantic. Yeah, a limo to a fancy meal would be swell ... but so would doing something with her that y'all don't normally do when you're together. Hell ... take her fishing, or since Halloween is around the corner, check out a local haunted site or two. Pack a picnic lunch and hit a local park (or cemetery if she doesn't easily freak). Really, anything that shows you're thinking of her ... frankly, innovative thinking scores high points (well, with ME, )

 

go back to the things she likes: Does she collect antique jewelry? Baseball cards? Marilyn Monroe artsy stuff? Does she scrapbook or bead or knit or anything? Is she a music-lover? You can find stuff that's not too expensive or even burn a CD of music she likes ... stuff like that, because it shows you've been paying attention to her likes, etc.

 

I realize I'm a jaded old fart, but when my husband makes a high-dollar "declaration of love" the messag I get is, "I know I'm in the doghouse, so I'm making this grand gesture so you'll like me again" ... WRONG! :D:D

 

 

Well she loves all kinds of music, so making her a CD is a pretty good idea. We are actually supposed to go to a haunted site on thursday with a few friends. I had an idea to get to her apartment earlier than I said I will and surprise her with a candle lit dinner before we go. She gets home around 5 or a little after so I was thinking of getting to her place around 1 or 2 and having dinner ready for her. Do you think this would score some points? Neither of us are good cooks, but my dad is a great cook and I was thinking about asking him for one of his recipes and having something special for her. She certainly wouldn't expect that.

Edited October 25, 2010 by tinker

[quankanne]

home cooked meal is ALWAYS a sweet idea ... if she realizes you're not that comfortable cooking, but are willing to try, it says a lot that you are doing something you normally don't. Because it's for her. Just be sure to have Dad walk you through the prep so you have a visual idea of what to do. And it doesn't even have to be fancy, just something you know she'll enjoy.

 

just for the hell of it, get y'all some wax vampire teeth for the tour, and when you spring them on her, tell her you want to make it as "authentic as possible," hee hee ... sense of humor is always a bonus with a guy.

 

OH! Since you're cooking the meal, consider postponing dessert til after the tour, and take her either to her favorite spot, or maybe then splurge on a fancy dessert someplace. Extra points: Make sure it's big enough to share so you can feed her

[aisle_seat]

I'm not sure about the posters who say she's playing you off the guy at work...if you really dig this girl then don't be too anxious to throw in the towel just yet. I totally agree that it does not take money to romance a woman. For one, if it's true love then it can't be bought anyway. Secondly, unless you're wealthy, it can't be sustained. You don't have to chase her...just be honest with her about your feelings. A surprise home cooked dinner is a great idea, as is the cd. Also, think about what brought you two together...what's your common ground outside of the relationship? What revs your motor about her? I write my girl poetry once a week. Doesn't cost a dime and she loves it. You're no poet, you say? I'm no E.E. Cummings either, believe me. But a few short verses about something you're feeling will go a long way. If that's not you, forget the poetry and just write her notes telling her how you feel about her, about what your day is like, ask her about what she's up to. Don't be stingy about telling her why she makes you happy. If she doesn't inspire those kinds of thoughts within you then maybe it is time to move on; only you can know that. Keep in touch frequently with email and texts during the week...tell her what's on your mind about her at that moment and ask her what she's thinking about you (if she doesn't already tell you). If she does love you and just wants to feel love from you and you make sure she does, the other guy doesn't stand a chance; she'll be too busy thinking about you to think about him. I don't worry about other guys with my LDR because I KNOW that no one knows her like I do...I've always got the inside track no matter how far apart we are and we don't see each other for months at a time. You've got to let her know you're thinking about her, and you don't have to spend a lot of cash to do it.

 

Good luck, buddy.

[Arizonaheart]

I am compelled to respond as I have been in your shoes to some degree. It was brought to my attention that my SO of my LDR was taking things a bit too far for my taste w/another woman while our relationship was fairly new. Nothing physical but the flirting between them was too uncomfortable for my taste (ie; questionable emails, an abundance of text messages etc). When I discovered this I packed my things to leave his house even if it meant paying additional airfare. He cried, promised that nothing had happened between them, spoke of his deep love for me etc. I believed him, I do still believe him. He wasn't considering pursuing this other woman but made the wrong choice of entertaining her flirtatious verbal pursuits (she is the wife of his long time friend). HOWEVER the foundation of trust was shattered a bit. I still had my doubts, questions, lack of complete trust. I continued to struggle with it even though a year had passed since the "discovery". Despite my inactions since my discovery he continued to apologize, broke off complete contact w/the person and continued attempts to prove his love. Our last visit I knew over the past year I had built myself into a wall of protection. He sensed it then and I believe he started pulling away too after trying for so long to make it right. He had to know I finally forgave him for his actions.

 

All this to say- if you have built a wall because of your discovery, whether consciously or unconsciously you are going to get absolutely nowhere in this relationship. I FINALLY let down my wall and because I do love him deeply I am moving past the incident. My last visit there we hashed it all out (and it wasn't pretty). Our relationship is like a brand new one now. On the other hand he now understands and respects the boundaries of our relationship.

 

After letting down your wall (if that's what needs to be done) then "date" her. Doesn't have to be extravagant. Could be as simple as a hand picked flower, a hand written love letter, a dedicated song or as someone suggested already perhaps a preplanned picnic in a park.

 

Only you know how deep the love goes to make it work. A relationship worthwhile will take work though.

 

Good luck

[quankanne]

I think OP is headed in the right direction with doing things with her specifically in mind, but something in the back of my brain is bugging me, and it has to do with this other guy she works with. At this point, he's her back-up, and if OP's actions don't meet her requirements for "attention," he'll get pushed back. Because as much as he cares for her, she's got her attention divided by these two men.

 

still, I'm seriously hoping that the home-cooked meal and other things he comes up with to shower her with attention do the trick

[aisle_seat]

Could be, quankanne...hard to say from what's been written. No doubt she is/was definitely enjoying some attention from the guy at work since she evidently wasn't feeling what she needed to from tinker by his own admission. All the more reason for him not to spend a boatload of cash to win her over. And as you pointed out, it doesn't really work anyway.

 

If he (tinker) thinks she's worth his attention, then he's got to give it to her. Otherwise he needs to find someone else who is.

[Romance]

Remember only YOU know your relationship best. None of us know as much as you do on it, but from what I have heard I would be very very hurt if I saw my bf texting another girl who lived close to him saying he had feelings. Trust is number one. She sounds like she needed an excuse for why she was texting another man, so romance is what she jumped to. Don't go overboard on spending money, maybe cook her a nice meal and buy her flowers? Then have a real talk. Sit down talk face to face and make sure you're on the same page. It sucks to have a big talk and'waste' your irl time together but it is always beneficial.

 

best of luck

[Idalis]

If this wasn't an LDR I might be inclined to think that it was the guy at work or some other reason that she was being distant. But b/c it is an LDR that kind of puts a different spin on things, at least for me. I like going out to a lounge or to grab a drink as much as the next gal and I used to really enjoy it when my bf and I lived near each other. Now I sort of feel like when I see him I like to have time just for US, me and him. Not ALL the time but every so often thats nice. Whereas when he lived near me this wasn't an issue.

 

I agree with the poster that said it shouldnt be about money, but it should be about the thought that you put in to it, and the time you spend together. At four months you should still be in the honeymoon stage and doing romantic things for each other anyway right?? I mean just from your post it sounds like she's been touring you around to different places in her city, and you've taken her to bars with your friends. So, IMO I can see why she would be resentful of that (although of course I dont know all the details so I'm going off of what you posted). Anyhow, best of luck!

[Guitarjeff]

Did I say that he said he groveled? Where? I said if he chases and tried to spend bucks and limos, that is pretty much the same as groveling. I have been on these divorce boards for years, and I'll stick to my advice. Nothing is more pathetic to a woman who is sitting on the fence between two guys than one of them appearing weak, and blowing money on limos to try and impress her to be in love with him would be a mistake on his part, but as he said, we saw what she did when he threatened to leave her, didn't we? So he has past experience that shows him that taking the strong way worked before.

 

I'll put my theory up to one of weakness any day. The girl is obviously having feelings for this other guy (WHICH HE VERIFIED WITH HIS OWN EYES) and the worst thing he can do is look weak in any way. Sorry, John, if you are upset that someone disagrees with your advice, but I certainly do, 100 percent, disagree, COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY!!! he needs to project strength, and that worked before to shake her in to reality.

 

 

Guitarjeff, do you speed-read or something? Where does it say he groveled to her? Quite the reverse. And what is wrong with a woman (or a man) crying anyway?

[Truthseeker-John]

Did I say that he said he groveled? Where?

Let me take a look.

If she really loves you and wants you then she will come and take her man back, but if you grovel she'll lose respect for you and that will be the end.

I apologize and the key word was 'if'.

 

I said if he chases and tried to spend bucks and limos, that is pretty much the same as groveling.

I agree with that and there has to be balance and it doesn't take an awful amount of money or a new limo to be romantic and to show that you care. Edited October 27, 2010 by Truthseeker-John

[tinker]

Hey guys. It's obviously been a while since I've talked about me and now my ex's situation, but I need some advice again. I'm truly confused as to what to do now.

 

So me and my ex broke just a week or so after posting this. It was pretty much mutual. She told me she had feelings for that other guy and didn't want to cheat on me while we were together, but she still had feelings for me too. Basically we agreed to end it and see if anything would happen again later. We continued to text and talk on the phone, but not nearly with the same frequency. Eventually she ended up taking a trip to vegas with the other guy that she has feelings for. She actually lied about it at the time, but told the truth later after I suspected she went with him. Anyway, after she got back, she was texting me much more. Telling me she missed me. Missed spending time with me. This is when I figured she went on the trip with him and that maybe it didn't go as amazing as she wanted it to.

 

A few weeks later she had a christmas party and invited me to it so I went and stayed the whole weekend and it was great. Since then we have been spending time almost every weekend together, but I know she is still spending time with him. She says she's confused. She doesn't know what she wants. I think there are certain things she likes about him, certain things she likes about me.

 

My question is this:

 

Should I keep spending time with her? I guess I'm totally in love with her, so I keep thinking that maybe one day she will give me another shot and realize I am the better man to be with. It's almost like I'm in direct competition with the guy she works with. Or should I let it go? I spent the entire week with her last week and it was amazing, but now she's on a 3 week work trip and I know she is obviously spending the majority of her time with him. Her texts, which started out as very loving, have now turned into very quick messages, and yesterday I barely heard from her at all. I know it's because she's with him. She isn't texting him all that much when we are together so I understand, but it's just so hard.

 

Should I continue with this, or just walk away? I'm thinking that she wants one of us to choose for her because she either doesn't want to hurt our feelings, or she literally has no idea who she wants, so if eventually one of us backs out, it would make it an easy decision for her.

 

I've been struggling with this for the past month or so. Some days I really miss her and just want to be with her, so I continue on, and other days I feel like its not worth it. What do you guys and gals think?

 

Thanks

[aerogurl87]

Stop spending time with her, go NC! You're the consolation prize and the other guy is the number one pick at this point in time. I bet she went to Vegas with him and then he decided he didn't like her as much or he stopped chasing her so much. So to fill that void she's leading you on and keeping you on the back burner. Plus if it doesn't work out she sees you as being second choice, and you do not want to be second choice. You want to be number one in a girl's heart, not second, so leave her alone, heal, and find someone who wants you and only you.

[tinker]

To be honest, I think her opinion changes. It seems like at some points she only wants me, or I'm number 1 as you would say, and then her feelings change and then he's number 1. Right now she's with him on this big work trip. Obviously all of her emotions are going towards him, but we spent over a week together not too long ago and so I felt like I was number 1, if you want to call it that.

 

I think she genuinely is confused. I just don't know if I should stick it out any longer or not. It's pretty tough considering I'm definitely in love with her.

[creighton0123]

I might be the only one to say this, but it needs saying:

 

She seems incredibly emotionally immature and incapable of sustaining a mature, romantic relationship.

 

You may love her, but everything - including all the red flag behavior (basing romance on money spent, talking to this other guy, calling you back hysterically emotional, the flip/flop of her attitude towards you, her desire for you to "show her how much you love her", etc.) - points to the fact that she is not yet ready and not yet capable of sustaining a mature romance.

 

Cut your losses. She needs a few more failed relationships to learn from.

[tinker]

It's true. She hasn't really ever been in many long lasting relationships. I think she told a few years ago she was off and on with one guy for a year, and then there was another guy she had been with for only 6 months. Most of her relationships, if you even want to call them that have only been for a month or so. She's dated a lot of guys in the past and she told me she's now trying to find a guy to eventually settle down with.

 

But you're right, she hasn't been in really any committed relationships even though she's dated plenty.

[tinker]

Any other advice?