Being the ow multiple times.

[greengoddess]

I just read of another poster who has been the ow more than once. I just have to ask why would you ever put yourself through that pain again. Did you believe this time it would end differently?What makes you want to do that again?

[delirious]

Although I doubt very much I could love anyone else again like I have MM, or even saw that coming, i would rather be stuck in the eye with a red hot poker than do that again. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it?

[greengoddess]

Although I doubt very much I could love anyone else again like I have MM, or even saw that coming, i would rather be stuck in the eye with a red hot poker than do that again. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it?

 

lol that's what I would think. I can't imagine women would what to do this again.

[woinlove]

Being an OW didn't cause me any pain because I never became attached and could walk away at any time. I didn't want any commitment and wasn't open to the kind of love that makes you want to spend your life with someone.

 

Of course, it is only fun if you don't think of the W (I never met or talked to any of the W's, except one toward the very end). I'm no longer capable of that type of compartmentalization. But I used to be.

[silverplanets]

I just read of another poster who has been the ow more than once. I just have to ask why would you ever put yourself through that pain again. Did you believe this time it would end differently?What makes you want to do that again?

 

Good question ... maybe sometimes new *drama* is easier to cope with than just stopping, taking stock and really working out who you are, what you want and what you don't want ... and then taking responsibilty for directing your efforts towards yourself and letting others be to do the same for themselves.

 

 

There's also that old addage ..... "Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame." ... One can avoid that terrible thing called responsibility by jumping from one R to another and not stopping in-between.

 

btw, just came aross a lovely quote that I haven's seen before .. made me laugh ..

 

"Most of us can read the writing on the wall; we just assume it's addressed to someone else"

 

------------------------

In terms of my experience being other OM then looking back from where I am now I can confidently say:

a) It was a waste of my time - it just distracted me from issues, within me, that I should have been coming to peace with

b) It was a waste of her time - it just distracted her from issues, within her, that she should have been coming to peace with

 

The drama of the A only prevented me from spending time where I should have been spending it, on coming to terms with me.

 

When I left she was desparate for me not to, I can now see that this was driven by sheer panic that without the distraction of an A in her life she would potentially have to look deep within for her answers.

 

I strongly suspect she never did and instead created a new source of distracting drama.

 

So the A delayed me facing what I needed to face and she was nowhere nearer to facing her issues by the end of it either.

 

So, to answer the OP from another way, perhaps people get involved again because they aren't yet ready to face themselves.

 

Without criticising or judging I would see compartmentalisation as just another strategy for avoidance ... I've used it before but now I can see why I was using it.

 

Once you come to terms with yourself then you don't need it and don't need the distraction/validation of an A.

 

Maybe one might also go to other A's because one's own personal pain threshold has not yet been reached ... it may hurt but not enough to force one to really ask oneself ... "Why am I doing this to myself?"

 

Anyhow, just musings over a cup of tea

 

Chris

 

 

[/FONT]

[jthorne]

Wow, Chris, amazing post.

Just amazing.

 

GG, I am confused about this as well, and my biggest confusion is the BS that becomes an OW... I don't get that at all, but a subject for another thread.

 

I recall another OW saying that she preferred MM because they suited her lifestyle better. I never could understand why a single guy looking for NSA wouldn't fit that bill, but that's just me...

 

Sorry, no answers, just joining you in the confusion.

[greengoddess]

Chris that really was an amazing post. Thank you.

 

Sometimes I think the bs that becomes the ow has the attitude of hey I lived through it so can his wife and I deserve happiness too after all I've been through.

[Spark1111]

Good question ... maybe sometimes new *drama* is easier to cope with than just stopping, taking stock and really working out who you are, what you want and what you don't want ... and then taking responsibilty for directing your efforts towards yourself and letting others be to do the same for themselves.

 

 

There's also that old addage ..... "Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame." ... One can avoid that terrible thing called responsibility by jumping from one R to another and not stopping in-between.

 

btw, just came aross a lovely quote that I haven's seen before .. made me laugh ..

 

"Most of us can read the writing on the wall; we just assume it's addressed to someone else"

 

------------------------

In terms of my experience being other OM then looking back from where I am now I can confidently say:

a) It was a waste of my time - it just distracted me from issues, within me, that I should have been coming to peace with

b) It was a waste of her time - it just distracted her from issues, within her, that she should have been coming to peace with

 

The drama of the A only prevented me from spending time where I should have been spending it, on coming to terms with me.

 

When I left she was desparate for me not to, I can now see that this was driven by sheer panic that without the distraction of an A in her life she would potentially have to look deep within for her answers.

 

I strongly suspect she never did and instead created a new source of distracting drama.

 

So the A delayed me facing what I needed to face and she was nowhere nearer to facing her issues by the end of it either.

 

So, to answer the OP from another way, perhaps people get involved again because they aren't yet ready to face themselves.

 

Without criticising or judging I would see compartmentalisation as just another strategy for avoidance ... I've used it before but now I can see why I was using it.

 

Once you come to terms with yourself then you don't need it and don't need the distraction/validation of an A.

 

Maybe one might also go to other A's because one's own personal pain threshold has not yet been reached ... it may hurt but not enough to force one to really ask oneself ... "Why am I doing this to myself?"

 

Anyhow, just musings over a cup of tea

 

Chris

 

 

[/FONT]

 

Chris...this is highly evolved and shows amazing growth and introspection!

 

Hats of to you!

 

Yes, this is exactly how many in the mental health profession view affairs.

 

A symptom, not a cause or a cure for whatever is being avoided internally.

 

When people go on to multiple affairs, it is becomes a greater symptom of internal conflicts that are just being avoided with the hope that this next person will complete you and make you happy. Or, you may be seeking empowerment because life has left you feeling so powerless.

 

We can only make ourselves feel happy and loved first, before we can love and make happy another, IMHO.

[jennie-jennie]

About the BS becoming an OW:

 

No mystery. Just like your husband's/SO's OW you fall in love with a MM.

[jennie-jennie]

Chris...this is highly evolved and shows amazing growth and introspection!

 

Hats of to you!

 

Yes, this is exactly how many in the mental health profession view affairs.

 

A symptom, not a cause or a cure for whatever is being avoided internally.

 

When people go on to multiple affairs, it is becomes a greater symptom of internal conflicts that are just being avoided with the hope that this next person will complete you and make you happy. Or, you may be seeking empowerment because life has left you feeling so powerless.

 

We can only make ourselves feel happy and loved first, before we can love and make happy another, IMHO.

 

While I agree that having an affair is likely to be a symptom of something else, that doesn't mean that the love is not real. Whether the love is real or not, depends on the degree of emotional involvement with the AP.

 

Symptoms can show us what we need to work on, be it conflict avoidance, intimacy avoidance, sexual addiction or loss of contact with emotional self.

[Dexter Morgan]

I just read of another poster who has been the ow more than once. I just have to ask why would you ever put yourself through that pain again. Did you believe this time it would end differently?What makes you want to do that again?

 

or better yet, why be the kind of person that seems not to care about being an accomplice to the pain of someone else?

[greengoddess]

About the BS becoming an OW:

 

No mystery. Just like your husband's/SO's OW you fall in love with a MM.

 

No people with boundaries do not allow themselves to fall in love with a married person. You can't help but wonder how after the pain of infidelity a bs could let down her boundaries and allow a mm into her life.

[jj33]

I was the OW once many decades ago. I didnt suffer any pain from that relationship it was very different than the relatoinship i had with the xMM i have posted about. I was young, carefree and when I met a single guy I liked I cut it off with the married guy. I never trusted him in the way I trusted the recent one (my radar was apparently better then, I was vrey much of hte mind that he was a cheater and he wasnt someone I could trust long term and if it hadnt been me it might have been someone else. Surprisingly he offered to leave her but I coudnt wrap my head around it. He was in his 30s and already on wife number 2. I saw a short shelf life for us if he left and came to me, low threshold for boredom. He seemed to trade in his wives after 8 years...

 

I suffered guilt from after the fact because I hated the thought that I had been so callous to what his W would have felt if she had known but she lived in another city, he was posted in my town for a year or so and so there was no sneaking around and really no way for her to find out.

 

I then promised myself I would never go behind someone else's back again. And I didnt as xMM's wife knew (the recent one). But I got burnt beyond belief because we were essentially living together and it has proven very difficult to unravel emotionally.

 

So now I would never EVER do it again no matter what the circumstances.

 

Well I could imagine some circumstances but I think they only happen in the movies;)

[jennie-jennie]

No people with boundaries do not allow themselves to fall in love with a married person. You can't help but wonder how after the pain of infidelity a bs could let down her boundaries and allow a mm into her life.

 

I have boundaries. It is just that my boundaries are different than yours. That certainly does not mean that I do not have boundaries. Yours and my moral differ, and thus do our boundaries.

 

Your boundaries allow you to do things I would never do, and vice versa.

[steelknife]

great post here. what an insight.

 

yes me too. i would never allow myself to go through being the ow ever again. i dont know how can anyone stand it and i dont thnk it is possible to stay with out feelings? this is just me. not helping at all with th topic. am helping myself get over my own trouble..

[woinlove]

or better yet, why be the kind of person that seems not to care about being an accomplice to the pain of someone else?

 

Exactly. Since I've never been hurt as an OW, this is the reason that works for me. For some others, their own pain seems to be a good teacher that helps them avoid future pain - both for themselves and others.

[2sure]

When I was OW multiple times years ago, it was intentional.

I did not want or feel up to a real relationship. I was emotionally unavailable although I did not realize it at the time.

 

I was vulnerable and not trusting. So a part time relationship which benefited me as far as affection & being taking care of seemed like a good option. I felt they could not hurt me because I had zero expectations.

[greengoddess]

When I was OW multiple times years ago, it was intentional.

I did not want or feel up to a real relationship. I was emotionally unavailable although I did not realize it at the time.

 

I was vulnerable and not trusting. So a part time relationship which benefited me as far as affection & being taking care of seemed like a good option. I felt they could not hurt me because I had zero expectations.

 

curious do you think it's possible you also subconsciously wanted to hurt their wives.

[BB07]

Many years ago I was also a OW when I was very young and looking back on it now I see that I didn't have an inkling of the hurt and devastation that I could be a part of to someone else's life. I was young and quite naive in my thinking back then although on some level I admit that I knew it was wrong but I never viewed it as a serious relationship nor did I have any intentions of him falling in love with me nor me him. It was just a casual diversion back then.

 

In the more recent happenings in my life, I was tricked and deceived by a man who lied about a separation and by the time I was so in love with him and when he said those words "I have to go back", I believed he was telling me the truth about the reasons for the separation and the reasons for his return, so for a short time I did become the OW. With all that said.....I had and still have deep regrets and I feel remorse and regret about making the decision to keep seeing him because at that point in my life I clearly knew that it was the wrong thing for me to do from a moral and self protection standpoint but yet I thought our circumstances were different, and he and I were special. So the joke was on me......as I found out that the lying asshat was not separated back then nor the 2nd go around either. The 2nd go around, I thought......we get a chance to do this right and I knew that I'd never go down that road again but he was a liar as most of you know. So in conclusion I really resent and I suspect I'll always be somewhat pissed off that he took that choice away from me and made me the OW without my consent or knowledge as I had learned from my past mistakes.

 

I can say with 100% certifiably that I will never find myself in the position of OW again and the reasons I say so are because of my morals (yes they changed) and also self protection and I also witnessed 1st hand how devastating and hurtful my part in the triangle was to the BS.

I'd also like to say that I feel compassion for OW's because I know what it's like to get yourself into that position and often times it's because they are deceived and they let down their guard and allow someone to cross boundaries because of different factors. It's too big of a gamble but most women and men can't see this when they are in the midst of it. Like me......they think the situation is unique and they will beat the odds. The odds are not in the OW/OM favor and I think if more people realized this, they would walk away sooner, but it's easy to lie to ourselves when you love someone.

[2sure]

curious do you think it's possible you also subconsciously wanted to hurt their wives.

 

No. Not even remotely. Their wives were not part of the picture for me at all.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have boundaries. It is just that my boundaries are different than yours. That certainly does not mean that I do not have boundaries. Yours and my moral differ, and thus do our boundaries.

 

Your boundaries allow you to do things I would never do, and vice versa.

 

 

no, it just means your boundaries reach MUCH farther than those who won't entertain being with married people.

[Silly_Girl]

I don't read any negative vibes in to why I got attached to my married BF. I see many factors, can recall many incidents, and can see things in my relationship history... but I whilst I was accidentally falling in love in affairyland there were things going through my practical brain

 

He deals with money similar to me

He feels X and Y, and I've not known that (but needed it) in a man before

He can discuss such and such

He would never have an issue with the importance of my relationship with my son

He would not have an issue with my success in the workplace (only woman at my level)

He has a similar sex drive, mentally and physically, to me

 

Loads of other stuff. I was doing a little checklist and he ticked more boxes than I thought any one person could ever do.

 

I wonder whether the 'why would you do it more than once' question is aimed at those who were waiting for their happy ending, didn't get it, and now are waiting again. That's different.

 

It's like meeting a career-mad guy you never see, and you feel neglected and upset, then you go straight to another guy who'll have no time for you and you're there again.

 

The guy being married isn't necessarily the pertinent point in the question, for me. It's more like "did you fall in love with a guy who rejected you for his wife and yet you're now again waiting for a man who's likely to reject you for his wife; are you mad, woman??!?".

[Dexter Morgan]

curious do you think it's possible you also subconsciously wanted to hurt their wives.

 

I don't think its a matter of wanting to hurt the wives (although a few here obviously revel in that), but rather they simply don't care if they hurt the wives long as they get theirs.

[MorningCoffee]

I have boundaries. It is just that my boundaries are different than yours. That certainly does not mean that I do not have boundaries. Yours and my moral differ, and thus do our boundaries.

 

Your boundaries allow you to do things I would never do, and vice versa.

 

 

Had to chuckle at this, JJ. Not that I disagree, no, not at all.

 

Just that, early on in my then not-quite-yet affair, my soon-to-be AP/MW said to me "You don't have any boundaries!" and I replied, "Sure, I do. Just not conventional ones."

[BB07]

curious do you think it's possible you also subconsciously wanted to hurt their wives.

 

 

And I gotta wonder why you'd even ask that question.........

I find it hard to believe that any woman would get involved with a mm for the sole purpose of hurting the wife indirectly and orindirectly and actually I don't believe it.