hurtingme Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 help new to the site I'm the wife that can't handle it when she catches her husband looking at another woman. I don't want to be this way. It hurts, its ruining my marriage of 4 1/2 months. I need some advice on how to change these feelings. i always feel like he is going to leave me for some more attractive skinnier woman. Which i know would never happen, i just have the lowest self esteem and insecurities ever. help Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Your low self esteem is not your husband's fault. If he looked at other women before you married him, shame on you for marrying him. If he's just started doing this, get to a counsellor immediately because your marriage is in trouble. Assuming you have discussed this with him (if not the communication in your marriage is dangerously poor) and he continues showing you this kind of disrespect, it's only going to be down hill from here. And that was the good news. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 What do you mean 'looks at other women'? Do you mean gawks or glances? See a therapist. Clearly, you think that he is comparing you with every woman he sees and maybe even shopping for someone else. There aren't a lot of men who are that kind of jerk. Just because a person is attractive to the eye does not mean that someone wants to throw them down and hump them, for heaven's sakes. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Just because a person is attractive to the eye does not mean that someone wants to throw them down and hump them, for heaven's sakes. Very, very true. Link to post Share on other sites
Fofinha Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Try to get over this hun. The more he feels you fear he will wander, chances are, that is exactly what is going to happen. Looking at other people because you find them attractive does not equal infidelity. If you need professional help, get it. You must get over this though because, your insecurities might come true. Link to post Share on other sites
GiveAndTake Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Imagine this... You are with a guy and he constantly says, "do you like me, do you, do you?" "is he better looking than me, is he, is he?" Not very attractive, right? If he doesn't like himself, I would think "he knows himself better than I do so I'd be thinking, no, I don't like you and yes he is more attractive" It's human nature. You need to fake it 'til you make it. Act like you don't care that he's looking (not for his sake but for yours) Even go as far as pointing out an attractive woman. Say, "hey honey, isn't she pretty?". Those insecurities will subside eventually... AND you will be much more attractive to others with your new confident personality. It is very possible that your insecurity makes you less attractive causing much of his wandering eye incidents. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 i always feel like he is going to leave me This is the bit you need to work on - his behaviour may be a problem, the way you feel about yourself is a more important one. Success rates for treatment of low self esteem are relatively high. What is it about yourself that you feel is lacking or unlikeable? Is that how others view you? Ask them. Why do you feel that way, what can you do about it? What are your strengths? These are the sorts of questions that are the starting point for thinking about what is causing those feelings and doing something about them. There are some really good self help books on the market with lots of practical tools. Meanwhile, try not to blame your husband for the way you feel about yourself. It is quite tactless to gawp at other women in front of you - he should respect you more than that. But it shouldn't make you feel this bad. You can do something about this - good luck Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 It sounds to me like you know it's you who has the problem. I didn't get the feeling you were laying any of the blame on your husband at all. I also get the feeling you know what will likely happen if you can't change this. meanon is right - you can do something about this. It's not clear from your post whether you question him about things, but if you do, you need to start biting your tongue. Not only will it drive him away, it's likely that it'll make you feel worse about yourself as well. Find a self-help book or get an appointment to see a therapist - it's a very common problem but certainly not a trivial one. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurtingme Posted March 4, 2004 Author Share Posted March 4, 2004 Thanks for the feed back. I try not to question him its more of me getting upset and shutting down ( not talking much). Not that that helps either. As far as this whole thing goes i take the blame i know that it is me, i know he is a guy and he is going to look. I hope to work on being able to just brush it off when he gawks at other woman. I would love to be able to say to him wow isn't she pretty but i think that it will take alittle more on my part before i get there. But i will try my hardest. And as far as seeking help i will take you advice and start with some books. Reading some of these threads over the past few days has really helped. But i need more than this and i know it. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 First of all, you say he "gawks" at other women. How do YOU define "gawks"? I mean, is he really gawking and making it oh-so-obvious that he's interested in checkin' out other women......or is he just doing a brief sideways glance? Was he "this way" prior to you marrying him? This is an important question. I would think that whatever way he is now, he was this same way prior to marrying...and that said, did you think his behavior would "go away" once you got married? I do vividly recall what it's like to have a new husband who's a gawker. Years ago, I had me one of those. Hell, he was gawking, very blatantly, at women we'd meet or be in the same restaurant with, on our honeymoon for God's sake. Sometimes he'd be quite loud and "funny", trying to get their attention, to entertain them....I mean, it was so obvious. Hell,if anyone was insecure, it was him....for needing to act so disrespectfully to me, in order to boost his ego and fell all manly. However, I DO remember beginning to feel quite insecure.......it got to the point where we'd be walking through the Mall in our small town, and he'd gawk at chicks, some would even flirtatiously pass us as we were walking, and say "hi" all cutesy like.......when I'd ask him "who" they were (as it was a small town and I'd never seen them before), he'd deny ever having seen them before......(yeah, right.....complete strangers just say hello to a dude they've never met before, and give him "the look" while he's walking hand and hand with his WIFE). Anyway, my dude WAS a cheater. How was your dating relationship? How long did you 2 date before getting married? During that time of dating, did he EVER give you any reason to think he was someone you couldn't totally trust? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurtingme Posted March 4, 2004 Author Share Posted March 4, 2004 To answer some of your questions, he does make his looking very obvious. He even went as far as yelling out wow she hot a few times. He was this way before, not as obvious and no i didn't think that i would change once we got married, this has been an on going struggle it has just gotten worse and i need to seek some help. We dated 5 years before we got married. He never has given me any reason to not trust him. I do trust him, i just have an insecurity. Which is something that i need to deal with not him, i never said that it was all his fault. I am the one with the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 You may have a problem with low self-esteem and jealousy, but that doesn't make what he's doing right. To yell out "She's hot" right in front of you is disrespectful - even worse if the woman he's directing it towards hears it. If he wants you to feel better about yourself then he needs to cooperate and do his part. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Originally posted by hurtingme Which is something that i need to deal with not him, i never said that it was all his fault. I am the one with the problem. You *may* have issues with insecurity and self-esteem, but I am concerned about the fact that you are so clearly and quickly willing to take all of the blame here. It is absolutely heartless, disrespectful, immature and cruel for a man to behave as he is.....a) OBVIOUSLY looking at other woman, in the presence of their girlfriend/wife......b) "yelling out WOW SHE'S HOT" in the presence of his wife. Does your husband do other things that make you feel bad about yourself? (that would make most women feel bad or insecure) Does he treat you with the respect you DESERVE? His behavior is totally inappropriate, piggish and thoughtless. Surely he must know how that sort of thing makes you feel......but he still does it, not caring about your feelings? A good, loving, respectful husband will not act the way yours does. You have every right and reason to feel hurt and uneasy by his behavior. Have you ever sat down and talked to him about this? If so, what does he say? Does he just laugh at you and tell you that you're "too sensitive" or does he try to justify what he does/says? Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 I take back most of what I said earlier. It wasn't obvious from your first post just how disrespectful he was being. You may have low self-esteem and insecurities, but now I feel they are at least partly his fault. You say you trust him. I think you need to explain how this makes you feel. Explain that you don't think he's cheating, but it upsets you when he obviously lechs at other women. Whatever the rights and wrongs of his behaviour (and I know some people would say you're overreacting - I'm just not one of them) the fact that it upsets you so much should be reason enough for him to take a critical look at what he's doing. I still think you should start on the books - the very fact that you posted this as entirely your problem (without a hint of outrage!) says "low self-esteem" to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurtingme Posted March 5, 2004 Author Share Posted March 5, 2004 thanks for the feed back, makes me feel much better. Your feed back makes me feel like someone out there understands why it hurts so much. My biggest issue is my weight, but that is no ones problem but my own and i take all the responsibility for that. my new years resoloution this year was to loose some weight, i went on a diet and have lost 15 lbs so far. This is helping with my own problems of low self esteem and insecurities. With doing this and sticking to it has made me also realize that i can over come my low self esteem and insecurities. I am going to get some books this weekend to help. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 15, 2004 Share Posted March 15, 2004 wow!! congratulations on losing the weight. your husband is totally out of order. he clearly knows how you feel and it sounds to me as though he may be doing this to perpetuate your negative feelings - for whatever reason. did he get worse and more obvious with your wedding or actually with your weight loss? i think befuddled hit the nail on the head by saying thats hes got insecurities himself, maybe hes trying to manipulate you into staying with him by encouraging your low self esteem - either that or hes a total **** (insert swearword). counselling for him. you sound perfectly normal to me - id feel insecure if my husband was doing what hes doing. Link to post Share on other sites
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