Stoggyrog Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 My girlfriend has what she calls a "radar" that makes her look at cute guys. Even if we are out together she will still look at these guys. We went away for a romantic weekend and things were going great, walking hand in hand, til she spotted firemen and got all excited and wanted to take photos of them. Then the other day we were on the phone when she suddenly stopped talking for a few seconds then came back on and said she didnt talk because she was looking at a couple of cute policemen walking past. This really annoys me, but she cant see why I get upset about it. When we went for a drink with her friend, they ended up talking about some of the guys they "knew" in the past. And she mentioned how she taught one guy "some new tricks". I was sitting beside her for God's sake. Then she looked out of the window and watched a guy walk past and pointed him out to her pal. I just got up and walked away. I couldnt take it anymore. She says she loves me with all her heart, and doesnt mean to do it, but cant help herself. We want to marry but she thinks I have a problem because I cant handle her flirting and watching other guys. Am I in the wrong? Is it my fault that I cant handle it? Any comments would be much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 No, you're not wrong at all. If she TRULY doesn't understand why you get upset about her checking out, BLATANTLY checking out other guys, you two probably aren't meant to be and she doesn't really care much about your feelings. She doesn't MEAN to look at other guys? PLEASE. What, it's an involuntary reaction? A reflex? Screw that. It's not your fault you can't handle it. If she doesn't change now, she never will, and you'll be forever pissed off when she does it. You shouldn't HAVE to handle it. Say g'bye, I say. She doesn't respect you much if she does this to you AND you stick with her. Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 What Kev said. Getting excited and taking pics of fireman? Come on bro...you know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Let me preface this by saying you learned a valuable lesson. Dating - even dating seriously - is a game. Relationships are about leverage. She's trying to get leverage in the relationship, and I'd say she's got it. It's time for you to take it back from her. >>>My girlfriend has what she calls a "radar" that makes her look at cute guys. Even if we are out together she will still look at these guys.<<< Look, getting busted looking at attractive members of the opposite sex is a misdemeanor offense - even you do it yourself, I would imagine. My policy on that is that it's okay for a girl to be "alive". The key is in how she's doing it. She can be alive and yet respect you at the same time. I say it's okay for a woman to glance at a guy, even in my presence (as long as it's a glance). But the moment it becomes active flirtation, that's where I draw the line...and I take no prisoners. If the line is crossed, then she's got to be discplined. >>>When we went for a drink with her friend, they ended up talking about some of the guys they "knew" in the past. And she mentioned how she taught one guy "some new tricks". I was sitting beside her for God's sake. Then she looked out of the window and watched a guy walk past and pointed him out to her pal. <<< This is crossing a line, and the appropriate response from you is to put her right in her place. You were half right in the way you reacted. You were right to let her know that you were pissed off, but you were wrong in the manner in which you displayed your displeasure. Right in front of her friend no less, you let her know that she got to you. You got up and walked off in a huff, like a little adolescent. What you should have done is started flirting with one of the female bartenders, or you could have said "Wait right here honey, I need to go to the bathroom." Then, on your way back, you could have started talking to one of the women in the place. A third option would have simply been to keep your cool and said nothing. That would have been better than storming out. Oh well...that's the past. >>>She says she loves me with all her heart, and doesnt mean to do it, but cant help herself. <<< Rule number one: NEVER EVER pay attention to what a woman SAYS. Pay attention to what she does, and act accordingly. Never be afraid to be the strong, assertive, DOMINANT male. That's what she wants anyway. >>>We want to marry but she thinks I have a problem because I cant handle her flirting and watching other guys.<<< No, let's get this straight: you want to marry. Right now, she wants to test you. The truth is she doesn't respect you enough at this point in time to marry you. If she wanted to marry you, she wouldn't be testing your manhood like that - certainly not in front of her friend. What's more, by doing it in front of her friend, it's even worse because you KNOW she's going to have her input. They'll chit chat about what a scene you made, even though they both know that she was inappropriate. The fact that she was acting inappropriately doesn't mean s*** with women. They're not interested in whether or not they committed a dating faux pas, they're going to commiserate over what future she has with a guy like you. And buddy, you didn't do yourself any favors with that act. >>>Am I in the wrong?<<< Only in the sense that you're allowing this chick to run roughshod all over you. Here's what you do: I'd start making myself scarce. Start pulling back in the relationship a little. In fact, I wouldn't call her for a few days. Let her do the calling. And if she asks about plans for the weekend, tell her that you've already made plans with some a couple of friends then hurry to get off the phone and tell her that you're busy now but you'll call her later. Maybe the weekend after. And wanna know something? I'd actually go through with it and make some plans with one of your buddies to go out to a bar - but definitely make it one that you and she don't go to or one that she won't expect to find you at. Trust me. When she sees that you're doing the unexpected (i.e. showing her that you've got balls of steel) she will begin to respect you. You'll be seen as the one taking control of the relationship, which is what she really wants anyway. One last thing: don't wimp out. Do as I've told you above and don't even think twice about not doing it. Remember, you're just giving her what she wants. She wants a man, and by doing this, you're being one hell of a strong man. And if she goes in the other direction...you know that she wasn't that interested in you to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
tac719 Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 There's nothing wrong with acknowledging someone of the opposite sex is attractive, but there is a tactful way of going about it. She is not doing that. She's lying if she's saying she can't help herself. I guarantee if you said "see ya!", she would be at your doorstep saying she would change. She is definitely trying to get under your skin. Besides according to a lot of women this is your role (being a male chauvinistic pig). You do not test someone you are supposedly in love with. If this is the case then you guys shouldn't be considering marriage at all. Way to much immaturity going on here. Link to post Share on other sites
Fofinha Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 There is nothing wrong with LOOKING at people from the opposite s*x EXCEPT : 1) It is not done discreetly when your partner is with you 2) If it bothers your partner (because it is not discreet) You have every right to be upset, concerned and mad at her. Her attitude is inappropriate and incredibly childish. If she cannot understand how you feel and keeps going at it like she is (...taking pictures...?!? C'MON!), I would walk away FOR GOOD! Link to post Share on other sites
Dug Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 and when you have sex with her, she'll eventually start to compare your body parts with other guys and tell you who you remind her of. If she isn't the last girl on the face of the earth, I'd suggest that you do some "looking" of your own. She does not respect you and this will fester inside you and consume you and anything you hoped to have with her she has already ruined.....because you'll never know who she's really thinking about when you're with her....even during those intimate times. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Hey guys...I see some eerie parallels between the "guys and porn" topic, and the "gals and live guys" topic. I can hear you guys screaming, "They are so different!" And granted, there are obvious dissimilarities. But think of this: * There is no physical contact or emotional bond between the looker/user and the object/person looked at * The looker/user thinks it's innocent * The looker/user can't imagine why the non-looking party would even be bothered by something so trivial * The looker/user can't stop looking/using * The looker/user thinks it's the other person's problem * The non-looking party perceives the looker/user to be acting disrespectfully * The non-looking party is angry, jealous, fearful, and devastated Before everyone jerks their knees or their members, how about really thinking this one through? How about really trying to see it from the point of view that seems "insane" to you? And do post when you can sorta see it from the other person's point of view. Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 I think it's disrespectful of her to continue doing this after you've expressed how much this behaviour bothers you. At the very least, she could be more discreet about it. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 You forgot a parallel: *It's fine to do, as long as you're not doing it right in front of the person in a disrespectful manner Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Yes. You're right. Note: Brain half-asleep today. Would love nothing more than to spend the rest of the afternoon inspecting the inside of my eyelids, but...must...stay...awake. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaK Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Well this post was a twist!!! Usually it's the guys oogling the women that everyone is complaining about - now here's a guy upset about a woman oogling cute men? It's good to know men get jealous too - most of them on here post how looking at other women or porn is "boys being boys". Let the women have their fun too and look at attractive men! Don't get all in a huff about it! Most of us women look at gorgeous men we just don't go into a cartoon mode with our eyes popping out and tongue unrolling like a carpet - we're subtle and inconspicuous. This girl just sounds like she appreciates handsome guys - let her look and gawk and act like it doesn't bother you - then she tend to be more focused on you knowing you're not so jealous. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 yep - fine by oneself - we're all human and we all covet - but *tacky* when with one's partner. i hope she also looks at other things - does she notice buildings, people, stores, cityscapes, found art, nature? i have more sympathy if she is a beauty hound in general, less if she is just passive aggressively power baiting. a good tactic with her might be to ask her why she does not have other things to occupy her mind. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Originally posted by UCFKevin No, you're not wrong at all. If she TRULY doesn't understand why you get upset about her checking out, BLATANTLY checking out other guys, you two probably aren't meant to be and she doesn't really care much about your feelings. She doesn't MEAN to look at other guys? PLEASE. What, it's an involuntary reaction? A reflex? Screw that. It's not your fault you can't handle it. If she doesn't change now, she never will, and you'll be forever pissed off when she does it. You shouldn't HAVE to handle it. Say g'bye, I say. She doesn't respect you much if she does this to you AND you stick with her. i just want to say that this goes THE SAME for males. its not an involuntary reaction for either sex... Link to post Share on other sites
bella8464 Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 hey Stoggyrog, I have a question for you...Does it bother you only because she's doing it in front of you? Would it not bother you if she did it when youre not around? When you are not with her do you worry that she's checking out other guys all the time? Does the though of her hanging out with the girls and checking out men in the way she does when youre around make you really angry? Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 The fact that a woman finds another man attractive isn't a problem. It's okay for a woman (or a man) to be alive. But there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. Yes, if you're going to check someone out make sure you do it in a way that's relatively discreet. I'll be honest with you: I broke this rule myself a while back and paid a price for it, and deservedly so. I was with on a dinner date and couldn't help but notice how gorgeous our waitress was. I was drooling all over her basically, thinking that my date didn't notice (how stupid I was then). Well, she did notice, and that was pretty much the end of the date. Took me a while to convince her to go out on another one, too. Subconsciously, when a partner (a guy or a girl) checks someone else out, it's a kind of test. It's probably her way of telling you, "I'm bored. Either you give me the spark we once had or I'm moving on to someone who can." The way you get that spark back is to get her respect back first. That's why you've got to play the game better than she does. Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Hey guys...I see some eerie parallels between the "guys and porn" topic, and the "gals and live guys" topic. I can hear you guys screaming, "They are so different!" And granted, there are obvious dissimilarities. But think of this: * There is no physical contact or emotional bond between the looker/user and the object/person looked at * The looker/user thinks it's innocent * The looker/user can't imagine why the non-looking party would even be bothered by something so trivial * The looker/user can't stop looking/using * The looker/user thinks it's the other person's problem * The non-looking party perceives the looker/user to be acting disrespectfully * The non-looking party is angry, jealous, fearful, and devastated Before everyone jerks their knees or their members, how about really thinking this one through? How about really trying to see it from the point of view that seems "insane" to you? And do post when you can sorta see it from the other person's point of view. Yeah, I can see some similarities but its in a whole different field than porn. I mean, porn/pictures/vibes etc. are fantasy, flirting with another person/blantantly drooling and checking someone out is much more real. Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 I'm kinda with Fritz on this one. There is no chance of a guy reaching into his computer and hooking up with the image that is there. However, this young lady certainly can meet these guys if she wants - and we know how receptive a guy would be to meeting an attractive lady who is not shy. That being said, my wife and I are pretty relaxed about the whole thing. We pretty much freely comment on who looks good, whether friends, acquaintances, other musicians, or actors - whatever. BUT - it never gets near the point of "Good GAWD!! Look at that ______! I sure would like to __________ with her/him!" That would be just plain tacky, like someone else mentioned. Link to post Share on other sites
Dug Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 I have to say that Solemate's perspective is interesting..... but ....again, as with every post and dilemma. It really depends alot on the relationship and the people involved. As for my opinion...a girlfriend looking or even flirting can be a real ego booster for the boyfriend as long as he is confident and secure believeing she is otherwise faithful. What I mean is... don't most guys want a woman that other men would also find attractive or desirable ? You're already sharing zillions of "hot" female entertainers with other men and you don't mind. As for men/ porn parallel..... looking is one thing, but expecting your girlfriend to tolerate comparisons with porn stars or other things about ti that disturb her are not cool. Porn can be viewed with discretion or in privacy, just as flirting can be done in the absence of the boyfriend (if it bothers him). It all boils down to knowing your partner and caring enough to accomodate their insecurities. That is why not everyone is right for everyone, and finding your soulmate is so difficult and often never achieved. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Sounds like she has no respect or concern for your feelings. Does she truly understand how disrespectful and rude it is? If she does and she continues with this activity then you need to seriously think about whether or not you want to tolerate this in your future. I would not. If my spouse glances at someone that is one thing, but to make a comment and disregard my feelings is the same as telling me that I am no longer important enough in her life for her to be considerate of my feelings. I don't look at others when I'm out with my spouse. As for the game playing that was mentioned - don't go there. Don't try to 'teach her a lesson' by flirting with other women in front of her, or telling her off in front of her friends, etc. Have a little more personal integrity than that. Walking away was fine - but that should have been followed by a personal conversation with her about her blatent disregard for your feelings and that you do not apprciate it nor will you tolerate it, because a loving relationship means that you care about the other persons feelings and respect them and SHOW it. Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Originally posted by Errol Sounds like she has no respect or concern for your feelings. Does she truly understand how disrespectful and rude it is? If she does and she continues with this activity then you need to seriously think about whether or not you want to tolerate this in your future. I would not. If my spouse glances at someone that is one thing, but to make a comment and disregard my feelings is the same as telling me that I am no longer important enough in her life for her to be considerate of my feelings. I don't look at others when I'm out with my spouse. As for the game playing that was mentioned - don't go there. Don't try to 'teach her a lesson' by flirting with other women in front of her, or telling her off in front of her friends, etc. Have a little more personal integrity than that. Walking away was fine - but that should have been followed by a personal conversation with her about her blatent disregard for your feelings and that you do not apprciate it nor will you tolerate it, because a loving relationship means that you care about the other persons feelings and respect them and SHOW it. I think that pretty much sums it up. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted March 5, 2004 Share Posted March 5, 2004 >>>As for the game playing that was mentioned - don't go there. Don't try to 'teach her a lesson' by flirting with other women in front of her, or telling her off in front of her friends, etc. Have a little more personal integrity than that. Walking away was fine - but that should have been followed by a personal conversation with her about her blatent disregard for your feelings and that you do not apprciate it nor will you tolerate it, because a loving relationship means that you care about the other persons feelings and respect them and SHOW it.<<< If this were strike one, I'd probably be more inclined to agree with this. But this has apparently happened before - strike two. At this point, she's obviously not listening. Well maybe she'll listen to a little warning in the form of action that clearly shows her that this guy's not some chump who's going to sit back and take her cr@p. The fact is, women test in all relationships. They test to see if you're still a man. This chick's testing to see if this guy's still a man. Obviously whatever he told her in the past didn't work, which is why he needs to start putting distance between himself and her and let her think about whether or not she's really so hot-to-trot. You can talk til you're blue in the face, but I GUARANTEE that if he employs the steps I've advised above one of two things will happen: she'll realize that she's still interested in maintaining the relationship and awaken to the fact that this guy isn't a chump, that he actually has the stones to leave her if need be.....or, she'll realize that she's not interested in him and expedite the inevitable anyway, in which case he's saved himself a date with divorce court five years from now. He can't go wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stoggyrog Posted March 5, 2004 Author Share Posted March 5, 2004 Thanks for the advice people. Very helpful to see someone elses view point on this. We had a talk about it last night, but she still doesnt see what the harm in looking is. I said that I look too but would never be so blatant about it. She says that she has had this fixation about firemen since she was 6 and cant help getting all excited when she sees them. But what did really p*ss me off was that she blamed ME because I was annoyed about it. She said that it is only a fantasy, and that she would never cheat on me. And that if any of these guys actually walked over to her, she would run a mile. She doesnt think she can handle me being so insecure about this, and that I have a problem with being who I am. We love each other so much (of that I have no doubt) But she wont apologise or accept that she did anything wrong, and if I suggest that it was inappropriate she accuses me of calling her a slut and wanting to sleep with these guys. Am I really making a mountain out of a molehill? Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 5, 2004 Share Posted March 5, 2004 I don't think you'll get an apology or admission that she was wrong - if she thought it was wrong she wouldn't do it in the first place. It sounds like your discussion ended up with her explaining all the things her behaviour didn't mean, but with little progress on understanding what it means to you. Try and explain to her that most people do not want to witness their partner's desire for another, even if logically they know it happens and means little. Encourage her to find out about other people's perspectives on this issue with an open mind, rather than assuming that there is something wrong with you. Explain that you expect her to respect your views and feelings and to compromise, avoiding the things that upset you most whilst you accept that she will always be a little more flirtatious than is comfortable for you. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 5, 2004 Share Posted March 5, 2004 This might be a time for when you go upto a pretty chick in front of your gf and flirt with her, or even take her picture. Only then may your gf find realize how it feels to become 'second in line' when a more attractive person approaches your way. You tried explaining it to her, yet she is too stubborn to even want to try to understand. Now is the time to take action. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts