Newly Wed and having problems

[KiloOneOne]

Hello everybody,

I have been a lurker for a while... but now I am in need of some advice.

 

I recently got married, and I feel things are a bit out of balance.

Firstly the old chestnut of "sex" she appears to have lost all interest in that area of our life, matter of fact she had before we got married, but now it worse and I am going through all the usual feelings of "Low self esteem, disappointment, feeling rejected, not worthy etc" I still try and initiate sex, and handle the rejection gracefully, I mean I'm not going to give up, but I don't try as often.

 

I don't pester her or anything like that, and I don't go on about it, and I don't make snide remarks (although Its making me angry) I feel like when I do get it, she is good, but not like before and makes way less effort.

 

Then there is this feeling I have, that I am actually lonely in my marriage, she does not seem to care about my day, or want to interact with me affectionately. When we were dating I really had a feeling of somebody I could go to war with, if you see what I mean? Now I feel like I am on my own.

 

I strongly believe In not giving to get, but I miss her affection. For example: I will always go out of my way, no matter what to help her do something nice for her, whatever whenever, she is my wife / my princess why would I not do that? I always give her feet massages make her stuff be it Tea/Coffee hot chocolate, help with all the household chores we both work. I don't wait to be asked

 

But I get none of the things I used to get back, and its not that I expect it, but I miss it. In some ways it made me feel closer to her, it validated something for me, and made me feel good.

 

I have said to her point blank, but it does not seem to sink in, she is very hard to get through lately, and I just cant put my finger on it, but it hurts, and I feel like I am just her room mate.

 

It just seems like she has almost gone 180 in some things, and I feel like I am getting little back.

 

For the sake of any questions you guys may have:

Things I do:

Always try to be cheerful

Compliment her always

Don't let her walk all over me

Support her thoughts and ideas, give my opinion

Listen to her & not interrupt

Do whatever I can to do something nice for her everyday if possible

Don't carry on arguments, I Just get over it.

I am spontaneous

When we did have a good sex life I always pleasured her, did what she wanted, open to news things... It was good, a two way street.

Help with all household chores

Try to keep myself in good shape

Make decisions, take charge when it right to.

 

I just don't know, maybe she is not onto me anymore, maybe its just a phase... But it sure is not nice being sexually and somewhat mentally rejected by your spouse.

 

I have asked her is everything OK, we have or at least did have a very honest relationship we just came straight out and told each other what we were thinking and we talked, but now any mention of the above usually starts an argument and her telling me she loves me.

 

On one hand I want to write her a letter to tell her what I feel, but I know she will take her new hard nosed approach and probably blow up, which I am not scared off, but I feel it will be counter productive, on the other hand I feel that having to ask for what I feel is the basics kind of means she does not love me any more, and thus whats the point.

 

Any advice please.

Thanks

[mitchell]

How long have you been married?

 

Don't let this fester. It will only get worse. I would strongly recommend MC now. You two need to learn how to communicate effectively or your marriage is doomed.

[KiloOneOne]

OP, do you perceive of yourself as your wife's husband, or her valet?

 

I preceive myself as her husband. i dont get what you mean?

[LiveWell]

I preceive myself as her husband. i dont get what you mean?

 

Your first post in the thread clearly indicates that you perceive the role of "husband" to be primarily defined as "provider of personal services" to the wife, in effect, a personal assistant or valet.

[ilovelife75]

Do you think your wife is going through a little bit of depression? How long have you been married? Some women spend their whole lives planning the wedding, and once the wedding is over, they feel that they have nothing left to look forward to, so that leaves them in a bit of depression. Just a thought.

 

Sounds like something is going on and she doesn't want or realize whats happening to you and to your relationship. If you have told her before and she did nothing, perhaps you need to show her. What would happen if you stopped doing all the things you do for her on a daily basis? And by that, I mean, all the extra and beyond things you do to make her feel special. Continue being respectful and faithful to your vows, but no more foot massages, getting things for her, making things for her, being romantic. By doing this, she will start to wonder whats going on, whats happened to the sweet, doting, loving man she married. Do not say anything rude to her, but when she comes at you (perhaps even coming at you frustrated, angry, confused, sad) and confronts you with why you stopped "loving her", simply tell her that you hated not being able to do those things for her, but your love bank is empty, and she needs to make deposits in your love bank if she wants deposits in her love bank.

 

A really good book that describes in more detail about love banks is The Five Love Languages. Really great book. Basically, we all have our own way of expressing and understanding love (physical touch, gifts, words of affirmation, and quality time. But, just because one person understands love in one way, doesn't necessarily mean that their spouse understands love the same way. Example, I feel most loved when I receive words of affirmation. I love to hear how special I am, how loved I am, I am doing a great job, etc. My husband is a physical touch. If I express my love by using words, I am using my language, but he speaks a different language, his being physical touch. When two people speak different languages, the conversation is nonexistant, so no matter how much I try to express my love to him via words, he wont understand it unless it is in his language. So we need to become fluent in over love languages if we want to communicate love to our partner.

 

I suggest getting the book and reading it with your wife. Make it a daily activity the two of you can do together. Even if she doesn't want to do this with you, you read the book and think about which love language you think your wife is, and start expressing love to her in the love language that she speaks. Most likely, she will start to change her behavior and meet your needs again.

 

I hope this helps. Oh yeah, I also recently learned, that for every 20 positive things you do that express love in a relationship, one negative thing can erase those 20 positive things. Thats a huge ratio.

[KiloOneOne]

Your first post in the thread clearly indicates that you perceive the role of "husband" to be primarily defined as "provider of personal services" to the wife, in effect, a personal assistant or valet.

 

Hi,

I don't see it like that.. It is my job as a husband to love my wife to the best I can, without smothering, which I think I do. I made vows to this woman.

I guess what I have written casts it in a different light.

Maybe the issue is that whilst I take it very seriously because that's the kind of guy I am.

My wife told me once, you are either 100% or nothing, you dont know how to be anything else and I love that about you... and I am like that.

 

From what I have read, Im doing all the right things naturally, she says she loves me and is in love with me, so why no affection or sex?

I agree i could be do something wrong, but what?

 

I have asked her, I have tried different ways to see if I can get to the bottom of it, Now I just leave it alone and kinda do my own thing... but i fear this is the path to the end and the start of growing apart...but I cant just keep going, like the above poster said... the love bank and all... I have to have some respect back.

Edited October 27, 2010 by KiloOneOne

[BettyBoop]

Maybe she is in love like she says - but it is a very selfish love.

 

Unless you two learn to communicate and be completely honest with each other your marriage is doomed and you will drift apart and have resentment between the two of you.

 

Perhaps it is time to tell her that perhaps she does love you - but not in the way you need to be loved.

 

I agree with the advice to stop treating her like a queen. She is taking it for granted and needs to wake up from the fairy tale. Seriously, if I've been bad or not as loving - my boyfriend doesn't continue to show me love - he quits too. And why shouldn't he? It doesn't feel good to show love to someone who won't reciprocate.

[lucylove]

hello,

i think you need to sit her down and ask her to hear you out. it would probably be advantageous to let her know ahead of time that you have something to discuss, and ask her when would be a good time? sometimes addressing an issue at the right moment can make a lot of difference.

when you have your conversation, tell her you love her and do not want to attack her, but wish to express your own concerns which are very important to you. pause and let this sink in. then ask her to please hear you out, and keep in mind that you are having this conversation because you love her, and cannot let your marriage suffer because bringing up issues of conflict might be difficult. tell her you want to work on your ability to communicate as a couple, so that if either of you ever do have a concern or a problem, you can work it out together. let her know this will work in her favor too, if you guys can figure out a way to discuss issues of contention and find solutions, rather than reasons to fights. also very important that you make it clear she will have an opportunity to speak and you WANT to know her feelings and thoughts, even if you don't like them, so that you can understand her and have a better chance of resolving things. don't say, "you'll get your turn, i'll let you speak" say, "i really want to know where you're coming from too."

state your case in a way which does not put her on the defensive at all. tell her how the circumstances effect you, not how she is screwing up. don't say, "you don't have sex with me as much as you used to." say, "when i make a sincere effort to physically connect and it doesn't happen on a consistent basis, i feel hurt/insecure/upset etc." express your feelings openly without becoming accusatory. this way, she can understand YOU instead of feeling attacked. you may not think you have been aggressive in your previous conversations, but sometimes the way discontent is expressed can sound to the other person like an allegation. especially if they KNOW they've screwed up or feel responsible.

you need to make it clear to yourself, if you haven't already, and to her, that this is something which needs to be worked on. you can't compromise on that. you are not satisfied, and you are feeling taken for granted. you MUST make her see that it doesn't have to be, and shouldn't be on your terms, but that you guys need to focus on addressing this issue. it doesn't work for one person to get their way while the other one is miserable. that is a perfect recipe for resentment. and she needs to know you don't want to resent her, ever, and that is why you are doing this.

you need to tell her why you feel the way you do and how it is affecting your life and your marriage. do not hold back. it is all about how you deliver the message. don't sellout your feelings/thoughts by undermining them.

if one of you gets upset, or she starts to interrupt you repeatedly, end the discussion. say something like, "this is important to me and i want to talk about this, but i can see we're both getting sidetracked by argument. let's do this later."

also give her an opportunity to speak and tell you everything. really try to understand, even if you don't like what you hear. you want to know why this change has happened. the more you listen, you more you will at least be able to pinpoint the problem.

you'll probably need to have multiple discussions. but keep your goal in mind of coming to a point where she realizes that if you have an unmet need that is a problem which both of you must jointly address. you can't be expected to smother your own needs for the sake of peace. you guys both can focus on this, and together work on strategies and efforts each of you can make to get past this. all it takes is patience and communication. don't let something like this sit.

someone suggested you are her valet. i find that accusation a bit out of sorts. husbands and wives are supposed to do things for one another. not out of obligation, but out of thoughtfulness. i do things for my husband and go out of my way all the time, because i love him and i WANT to. i don't think that makes me his maid. being considerate and thoughtful of each other keeps the romance alive. as long as both people are displaying their kindness and effort as a result of feeling and not as a result of obligation. so i do not think this is a habit you should drop. but you should make it clear you have needs too. once she sympathizes with those needs, if she really loves you, she will WANT to make an effort for you too, and she will probably find that she benefits from that.

[BlackLovely]

Hello everybody,

I have been a lurker for a while... but now I am in need of some advice.

 

I recently got married, and I feel things are a bit out of balance.

Firstly the old chestnut of "sex" she appears to have lost all interest in that area of our life, matter of fact she had before we got married, but now it worse and I am going through all the usual feelings of "Low self esteem, disappointment, feeling rejected, not worthy etc" I still try and initiate sex, and handle the rejection gracefully, I mean I'm not going to give up, but I don't try as often.

 

I don't pester her or anything like that, and I don't go on about it, and I don't make snide remarks (although Its making me angry) I feel like when I do get it, she is good, but not like before and makes way less effort.

 

Then there is this feeling I have, that I am actually lonely in my marriage, she does not seem to care about my day, or want to interact with me affectionately. When we were dating I really had a feeling of somebody I could go to war with, if you see what I mean? Now I feel like I am on my own.

 

I strongly believe In not giving to get, but I miss her affection. For example: I will always go out of my way, no matter what to help her do something nice for her, whatever whenever, she is my wife / my princess why would I not do that? I always give her feet massages make her stuff be it Tea/Coffee hot chocolate, help with all the household chores we both work. I don't wait to be asked

 

But I get none of the things I used to get back, and its not that I expect it, but I miss it. In some ways it made me feel closer to her, it validated something for me, and made me feel good.

 

I have said to her point blank, but it does not seem to sink in, she is very hard to get through lately, and I just cant put my finger on it, but it hurts, and I feel like I am just her room mate.

 

It just seems like she has almost gone 180 in some things, and I feel like I am getting little back.

 

For the sake of any questions you guys may have:

Things I do:

Always try to be cheerful

Compliment her always

Don't let her walk all over me

Support her thoughts and ideas, give my opinion

Listen to her & not interrupt

Do whatever I can to do something nice for her everyday if possible

Don't carry on arguments, I Just get over it.

I am spontaneous

When we did have a good sex life I always pleasured her, did what she wanted, open to news things... It was good, a two way street.

Help with all household chores

Try to keep myself in good shape

Make decisions, take charge when it right to.

 

I just don't know, maybe she is not onto me anymore, maybe its just a phase... But it sure is not nice being sexually and somewhat mentally rejected by your spouse.

 

I have asked her is everything OK, we have or at least did have a very honest relationship we just came straight out and told each other what we were thinking and we talked, but now any mention of the above usually starts an argument and her telling me she loves me.

 

On one hand I want to write her a letter to tell her what I feel, but I know she will take her new hard nosed approach and probably blow up, which I am not scared off, but I feel it will be counter productive, on the other hand I feel that having to ask for what I feel is the basics kind of means she does not love me any more, and thus whats the point.

 

Any advice please.

Thanks

My opinion is either she is having post wedding depression, or she was never truly in love with you.Some ladies only get married because they think they are supposed to; any man will do for these women.

[KiloOneOne]

Thanks all for the feedback thus far..

I just don't know.... Right now I feel like, if I have to go through this now what does the future hold. I think its BS that I have to feel this pain... I just cant define this love, and by talking to her about it I feel like I am asking her to love me, and at that rate it just does not feel real to me.

 

I feel like I should not have to be having this conversation, I mean why cant she just be like she was... I Know she cant stay the same forever, but its like she is going backwards not forwards and I know telling her this is going to be such a huge deal... Now of-course I love her and I don't want to end our marriage or want her too, but if she does not love me, then she owes it to me, to tell me, let me hurt and then hopefully move on...

 

Some times I think I am stupid, and making a big deal, but then something happens again, and takes the rug out from under me...

 

Sorry I am just venting at the present. Also she keeps calling me really childish names like "oh come here my little marshmallow" I mean FFS I want a wife not a mother.... Is this her seeing me as something else rather than a man/Husband.. I don't react badly to it, I just say "OK, Well don't eat me all at once.." or something like that..

I guess if we were being more intimate, I would not take that so badly, but like Id rather her just handle me different and not like a child.

 

Like I said, sorry I am just ranting now...

[lucylove]

Thanks all for the feedback thus far..

I just don't know.... Right now I feel like, if I have to go through this now what does the future hold. I think its BS that I have to feel this pain... I just cant define this love, and by talking to her about it I feel like I am asking her to love me, and at that rate it just does not feel real to me.

 

I feel like I should not have to be having this conversation, I mean why cant she just be like she was... I Know she cant stay the same forever, but its like she is going backwards not forwards and I know telling her this is going to be such a huge deal... Now of-course I love her and I don't want to end our marriage or want her too, but if she does not love me, then she owes it to me, to tell me, let me hurt and then hopefully move on...

 

Some times I think I am stupid, and making a big deal, but then something happens again, and takes the rug out from under me...

 

Sorry I am just venting at the present. Also she keeps calling me really childish names like "oh come here my little marshmallow" I mean FFS I want a wife not a mother.... Is this her seeing me as something else rather than a man/Husband.. I don't react badly to it, I just say "OK, Well don't eat me all at once.." or something like that..

I guess if we were being more intimate, I would not take that so badly, but like Id rather her just handle me different and not like a child.

 

Like I said, sorry I am just ranting now...

 

As you now realize, marriage is hard. You may think that the future is doomed because the beginning is so dark, but i got news for you... the beginning of marriage is the most difficult time, in my opinion. People change after marriage because one or both people has preconceived notions about what marriage really entails that they have never discussed too much with their partner. They have ideas about a change in role, structure, how problems are solved, or some other momentous aspect of the relationship. they expect their partner to hold the same opinion. This is called, having a skewed, subjective attitude. and it happens a lot. people attach a lot of pressure to marriage and they create ideas about who their partner has to be or how their marriage needs to change so that they can ensure it won't fail, instead of just letting the relationship naturally progress, as it did before. It doesn't always happen but it happens a lot. This is why some people say when they married nothing changed and others say the world turned upside down. Now, I am not saying this is DEFINITELY why she has changed, but you do get the idea. I'm saying that marriage changes people sometimes, for some reason, and you have to get to the bottom of those changes that are negative, especially the ones that emerge in the beginning. I am speaking from experience that gives me a lot of assurance your problem has a good chance of being resolved if you guys work on it.

The difference between a good marriage and a bad one isn't whether or not you encounter problems right off the bat (I mean that is almost bound to happen). It's whether or not you work on those problems together. In marriage, sometimes one person doesn't see the problem and the other does. What makes a marriage successful is whether or not both people are willing to take on the hero role when their partner is at a loss and pursue a solution (as well as the partner's realization of the initial problem). You can expect she will return the favor at some point, when you screw up and you don't know it/don't want to see it. And that will happen.

Why should you have to do this? Because you are MARRIED. You made a vow to WORK ON IT. Through sickness and health. This is her sickness, if you will. Work her through it. Married people who are happy in their marriage don't say, "I don't feel like it, why should it be me who talks about this?" They just do it.

You are beginning to do guesswork about her behavior. You bring up doubts over whether she loves you, you say you wonder if she views you as a more of a child because she calls you this or that nickname. Why guess? Why doubt? Why not talk so you know the truth? Pretty soon you will be forced to draw presumptions about where she is coming from, and she will do the same about you. You will become distant and she will not know why, or what she has done. She will suspect you don't care for her. This is why people say to have a good marriage you need to communicate! Nobody but her can tell you what all of it is really about. You need to try to talk to her so you can get some clarity. You are brushing it under the rug and if you keep that up, your marriage will suffer, deeply. If you get to the root of what has changed in her you will see what the problem really is, and then you two can address that.

[GorillaTheater]

My wife told me once, you are either 100% or nothing, you dont know how to be anything else and I love that about you... and I am like that.

 

Yeah? Your wife, is she "100%"? Forget what she says, they appear to be just words. Her actions are saying something else.

 

Time to get your self-respect back. Start by telling her to knock it off with calling you childish names. Figure out where you want your boundaries to be, and enforce them each and every time she steps over them.

[jmargel]

Kilo.. your marriage sounded like mine. After the wedding was over so was the bond/affection between us. She was the same exact way, it then turned into her laying blanket statements on me 'You are such an a*****" but could never give examples.. I noticed her hiding certain things from me as well..

 

Long story short she was seeing someone behind my back, an ex. That was 6 years ago and when I ask her now why did she do those things, why did she ruin our first year of marriage and why did she destroy all the trust in our marriage? Her answer was that she took too much at once, moving in, getting married, etc.. she comes from a bad family background as well.

 

Anyway, i'm not saying she is cheating but perhaps she has buyer's remorse? That being said it's not you, it's her. It really is her. It's her lack of maturity and her way to be coping with things. Also the marshmellow statement? That's a lack of respect, and I was like you during the first year of marriage. Now i'm the opposite. I still show my good sides but I will no longer tolerate her disrespect, I won't roll over and piddle on myself when it comes to her. I now have confidence and she sees/and knows it. Those snide remarks are a thing of the past because she knows how I will react to them.

 

You need to gain respect for yourself, your world doesn't revolve around her and don't put your own self-worth into her. Start going out w/ friends, do things w/o her. Don't be the first to say 'I love you', be a little distant. When she asks what is going on just tell her you are doing some thinking and that you don't want to talk about it.. The goal here is to get her to start thinking about what she is doing w/o you having to nag her about it. When you do that, you become the parent and her the child and how many children listen to nagging parents? None.

 

I know where you have been and honestly my marriage isn't any better w/ the affection, etc.. I told her it was false advertising and have already told her that there are women out there that could fill this need. I won't cheat but I also won't stay in an affectionless marriage either.

 

BTW how old are you two?

[slownumbers81]

It sounds like it is possible that your wife may be going through depression, which depression can just be a chemical imbalance. Could you try marriage counseling?

[lucylove]

 

You need to gain respect for yourself, your world doesn't revolve around her and don't put your own self-worth into her. Start going out w/ friends, do things w/o her. Don't be the first to say 'I love you', be a little distant. When she asks what is going on just tell her you are doing some thinking and that you don't want to talk about it.. The goal here is to get her to start thinking about what she is doing w/o you having to nag her about it. When you do that, you become the parent and her the child and how many children listen to nagging parents? None.

 

 

BTW how old are you two?

Playing games to express discontent? I fully agree nagging someone does nothing except possibly exasperate the issue by encouraging more negative behavior but "acting distant" can very well send the wrong message. A happy medium, involving direct, cohesive, non-emotional/non-whiny communication is what will allow the OP to make himself clear. He doesn't need to be pathetic and begging for her submission to him, but he does need to be a man and tell her what he feels. Would you tell a woman, whose husband isn't as available as she'd like, to just play games? Sure, it might get the spouse's attention but it does little to work through the meat of the issue at hand. If they can't communicate about their problems then what kind of marriage is that? Playing games constantly does not deal with what is coming between them. These sound like mere power struggle tactics and the OP seems to be referring to an issue which runs deeper than that. His wife is neglecting his needs; she must hear it clearly from him that he perceives a problem in his marriage. From a woman's perspective, I can tell you from experience that she will definitely notice, but most likely just presume he has a bug up his rear, and she should ignore him because he doesn't want her help.

Edited October 29, 2010 by lucylove

[KiloOneOne]

I have decided that I am going to have to talk to her about this, I don't want to do this right now because ill give her "both barrels" if you know what I mean, I am very upset inside, and I feel my mouth may run if she reacts badly.

 

I need some advise on how best to approach this... Because of my nature of "lets just see if this gets better" when it does not get better I get very negative and say the wrong things, this is my issue not hers and I don't want to make her feel I am attacking her, but I want answers, and I want to know if she has either fallen out of love with me, do I not do it for her, or whatever it is, I am all ears I would rather hear she hates me, then feel like I do.

 

I'm not a bad catch, and I'm not of all that, but now I realise I cant live like this any longer.

 

Last night she was talking about how sad her friend is at work and how she does not want a man. I replied by saying, oh well she is missing out I feel by not wanting a man or a partner. Does she not even want somebody close to talk to, to love, and what about sex.

 

As soon as I said that, she said to me "Say what you mean.. I know you think you have a sexually lame wife, who does nothing for you" I said well that's your issue, I wasn't even thinking that, I am just saying most people want those things right? She then said it again, and I said, I'm talking about your friend not you. I wanted to say well if you know your like that, then why not change the way you are, but the phone rang and we lost the conversation...

 

I just don't know, I am going through many emotions right now, I hate it...

How should I go about talking to her, and getting through to her and finding out what is going on... I mean I am a good calm talker, but on this I am weak, I just don't want a huge blow up over what should be a calm conversation..

[lucylove]

I have decided that I am going to have to talk to her about this, I don't want to do this right now because ill give her "both barrels" if you know what I mean, I am very upset inside, and I feel my mouth may run if she reacts badly.

 

I need some advise on how best to approach this... Because of my nature of "lets just see if this gets better" when it does not get better I get very negative and say the wrong things, this is my issue not hers and I don't want to make her feel I am attacking her, but I want answers, and I want to know if she has either fallen out of love with me, do I not do it for her, or whatever it is, I am all ears I would rather hear she hates me, then feel like I do.

 

I'm not a bad catch, and I'm not of all that, but now I realise I cant live like this any longer.

 

Last night she was talking about how sad her friend is at work and how she does not want a man. I replied by saying, oh well she is missing out I feel by not wanting a man or a partner. Does she not even want somebody close to talk to, to love, and what about sex.

 

As soon as I said that, she said to me "Say what you mean.. I know you think you have a sexually lame wife, who does nothing for you" I said well that's your issue, I wasn't even thinking that, I am just saying most people want those things right? She then said it again, and I said, I'm talking about your friend not you. I wanted to say well if you know your like that, then why not change the way you are, but the phone rang and we lost the conversation...

 

I just don't know, I am going through many emotions right now, I hate it...

How should I go about talking to her, and getting through to her and finding out what is going on... I mean I am a good calm talker, but on this I am weak, I just don't want a huge blow up over what should be a calm conversation..

 

Well kudos to you for getting up the nerve to decide to address this head on. And it is admirable that you know your strengths and weaknesses.

you want to get the truth, and root out any possibility of solution and what that may entail, but you don't want to end up in a war zone. Understandable.

 

Since you want to be heard and hear her out, I would agree that you should wait until you are in a calmer state of mind. You might even consider finding an outlet for your frustration that will also help you get your thoughts in order. Write her a letter, for instance, that you have no intention of giving her, in which you explain your discontent and your pain. Then let it sit and when you are feeling more reasonable, go through your letter and break it down into bullet point statements that calmly and clearly take her through what you want her to understand. Make sure you are careful with this letter; she doesn't need to see your fury towards her. So keep it hidden well and dispose of it thoroughly when you're done with it. You might want to rehearse what your most important points are, so you can stay focused. Sometimes it's hard to make your points impromptu when you're discussing such a heavy matter.

 

Begin as I said before, by letting her know how you want to hear her truth, and you want to understand her, even if you won't like it. And also begin by requesting that at some point she hear you out. You may want to start with her so that she doesn't feel pressure to say what she thinks you want to hear. So try your best to side step that. You should probably try to set up some ground rules such as, your common objective is to understand each other. You acknowledge to her that it's obvious you both are experiencing different views or coming from different sides. Your objective is to not convince each other that one of you is right, but just to see if you can be honest with each other, and hear each other out. You acknowledge up front that you don't know this will all be resolved in the first conversation. You tell her you don't want to fight, and if you start to feel you are losing your temper you will be taking a break to calm down.

 

When you are telling her about what you're going through, distance yourself as much as possible from a tone of accusation. Clearly she already feels defensive; you want to take out that sting and make it about loving honesty. So you should say how the circumstances affect you: When you do this/when this happens, I feel..." This makes it about her understanding what you are going through, rather than her being forced to either defend herself or agree that she is wrong (guess which she will pick everytime--that's right, self defense--at least most people will when they feel accused).

 

One other thing... You schedule a time for the discussion to take place. You agree on a time that is good for both of you, when neither of you are tense/tired.

You commit yourself to being heard and to showing her that this is a very serious matter for you. You explain in very open detail why it is important. Why it hurts your marriage, hurts you.

 

Does all that make sense, any questions?

[Mimolicious]

Hello everybody,

I have been a lurker for a while... but now I am in need of some advice.

 

I recently got married, and I feel things are a bit out of balance.

Firstly the old chestnut of "sex" she appears to have lost all interest in that area of our life, matter of fact she had before we got married, but now it worse and I am going through all the usual feelings of "Low self esteem, disappointment, feeling rejected, not worthy etc" I still try and initiate sex, and handle the rejection gracefully, I mean I'm not going to give up, but I don't try as often.

 

See, if we can only see the color of those little flags. Sometimes we think that marriage improves dysfuctionalities and it's totally the opposite.

 

I don't pester her or anything like that, and I don't go on about it, and I don't make snide remarks (although Its making me angry) I feel like when I do get it, she is good, but not like before and makes way less effort.

 

I can see why some people go and cheat. If this is the way you feel... you'll look for it else where!

 

Then there is this feeling I have, that I am actually lonely in my marriage, she does not seem to care about my day, or want to interact with me affectionately. When we were dating I really had a feeling of somebody I could go to war with, if you see what I mean? Now I feel like I am on my own.

 

Ah! She probably feels like now she can unattend her M because she already got to the target. Many people do this.

 

I strongly believe In not giving to get, but I miss her affection. For example: I will always go out of my way, no matter what to help her do something nice for her, whatever whenever, she is my wife / my princess why would I not do that? I always give her feet massages make her stuff be it Tea/Coffee hot chocolate, help with all the household chores we both work. I don't wait to be asked

 

Hey, wanna move in? LOL! Dayum! WTF did I do wrong in life? Oh I know... WAIT! I was YOU! and my xH acted like your W because he was more into palnning his next lie to get away with his OW.

 

But I get none of the things I used to get back, and its not that I expect it, but I miss it. In some ways it made me feel closer to her, it validated something for me, and made me feel good.

 

Hone, at this point you should "EXPECT" it. She is your W, not a chick you just met and can't ask for much. This is rejection not exactly a way to validate anything.

 

I have said to her point blank, but it does not seem to sink in, she is very hard to get through lately, and I just cant put my finger on it, but it hurts, and I feel like I am just her room mate.

 

= Comfortable.

 

It just seems like she has almost gone 180 in some things, and I feel like I am getting little back.

 

For the sake of any questions you guys may have:

Things I do:

Always try to be cheerful

Compliment her always

Don't let her walk all over me

Support her thoughts and ideas, give my opinion

Listen to her & not interrupt

Do whatever I can to do something nice for her everyday if possible

Don't carry on arguments, I Just get over it.

I am spontaneous

When we did have a good sex life I always pleasured her, did what she wanted, open to news things... It was good, a two way street.

Help with all household chores

Try to keep myself in good shape

Make decisions, take charge when it right to.

 

I just don't know, maybe she is not onto me anymore, maybe its just a phase... But it sure is not nice being sexually and somewhat mentally rejected by your spouse.

 

It could be a "phase" or it may be a "face". Does she apply any interest to other things? Like, facebook, texting, emailing?

 

I have asked her is everything OK, we have or at least did have a very honest relationship we just came straight out and told each other what we were thinking and we talked, but now any mention of the above usually starts an argument and her telling me she loves me.

 

Love doesn't neglect. When I love someone I am all over them.

 

On one hand I want to write her a letter to tell her what I feel, but I know she will take her new hard nosed approach and probably blow up, which I am not scared off, but I feel it will be counter productive, on the other hand I feel that having to ask for what I feel is the basics kind of means she does not love me any more, and thus whats the point.

 

Any advice please.

Thanks

 

What does "her new hard nosed" supposed to mean? How long have you 2 dated before you got M? How old are you?

[mem11363]

Kilo,

If you want a healthy marriage you need to learn to mentally prepare for tough conversations and then stick to a short script and stay calm.

 

Actually I don't think you should speak with her about this now. I think you should cut way back on telling her you love her/complimenting her etc. Be friendly and upbeat - be fun to be around - but stop all this non-stop lovey dovey stuff because clearly she is not feeling it. And definitely - with a smile the first time - tell her to call you by your NAME. And the next time she calls you marshmellow - firmly - no smile - tell her you don't like that name - you prefer your name. And don't budge. You have a right to choose how people refer to you

 

 

What does "her new hard nosed" supposed to mean? How long have you 2 dated before you got M? How old are you?

[KiloOneOne]

OK so I had the conversation with her last night.

I tried to explain how important intimacy is to me, and that I feel its a big part of marriage. I tried to explain all the stuff about how it makes me feel closer..etc.

 

I then went on to explain about how I feel rejected, and unwanted.. Not unloved but I felt ugly and I felt scared that she was no longer IN LOVE with me. I was nice and calm.

 

Her reaction was that, she just not feel like it, and that its stupid to compare sex and love, and that its wrong to think that no sex = no love, or that I should learn to feel loved without frequent sex..

She thinks that I just have a high sex drive and that, its my problem..

 

She admitted that she should more affectionate..I admitted that our marriage is not sexless, but twice a month is not enough. She said I always complain about frequency, which I have done in the past, and nothing has changed. Maybe its all my problem!

 

She says she is also having problems down below, which I do know about..I have encouraged her to see her to see her physician but she does not make an appointment, so it cant be that a big of deal to her if she is not going to her physician! if something was

 

So the upshot she "Just not feel like it" I guess I cant argue with that? I am not going to beg her to want it, I am prepared to work with her on it. I just find it so strange, because when we met she was so different and I know from her past before me she was quite sexual, so why now with a husband she is now so off sex, that's what i find strange, how do you just go off sex...something you seemed to enjoy so much, leads me to believe it must be me!

This also happened somewhat with my ex, and she cheated on me, I know that my wife is not cheating, she is not like that.

 

If she just said, look baby i don't feel like it at the moment, and re-assured me that its nothing bad, but its just her at the moment, I would be really cool with that. of-course its not ideal, I have before me what I think is the most beautiful woman in the world and I cant make love her with her, but its a whole lot better than feeling like a reject.

 

well I guess she has now done the above, so I am going to concentrate, on trying to work through this, and being maybe more supportive and not thinking about sex. where this will lead is anybodies guess I know I will never cheat i respect & love her to much for that and its just not me. Its about sex with her, that connection which I could not find with AW or a one night stand, as much as I want to have sex. Short of ending my marriage, which I never want to do, then I cant do anything else, and just hope that it comes full circle.

 

Its really so silly, because I thought from OUR past sex life with each other we would never have a sex issue, and thought she would be more understanding of what I am going through, but it must be a huge hurdle for her. And if she just communicated better my feelings could be so different to the situation, I cant believe she does not notice or even know about my needs? if not something is amiss.

 

Maybe I have issues relating to my own insecurities that are making a "possibly normal issue" worse. Perhaps as I am very sexual in nature, I need to put my wife's needs ahead of my own, and stop thinking with my d**k, but she is just so attractive and above all else I love so dearly. I am going to try and not get upset about it anymore. I guess the truth of it if there is anything will become apparent soon, if not it might just really be something she is not feeling at the moment and it will change. Above all if she communicates better I will feel better, and I hope she as understood this.

 

 

we are both in our late 20's

Edited November 2, 2010 by KiloOneOne

[lucylove]

that was a good first start. I hope you will keep talking to her. If this is still an issue for you then you need to keep at the communication. Tell her it is still bothering you and ask her if she thinks if something is really bothering you or her in concern to the relationship, should you not both discuss it until a resolution is made? This doesn't mean she needs to ever agree with you or vice versa, it means you work together through compromise and communication to find a solution that fits you both.

She just isn't feeling it.. that does give you a bit of insight. But now you need to find out why. And what can you do for her to bring the spark back? Have you asked her point blank, what is lacking? See if you can't have a discussion in the future about how to work through this together...what you can do to put her in the mood?

She may feel that sex and love are two different things, you may feel they are essential companions. Find a way to express your view. Let her know that it's ok for her to feel the way she does but you may approach love from a different vantage. You want to open doors, not define narrow entrances. You may need to love without sexual expectation in order to please her; but she made need to love sexually in order to please you. It takes work, communication, and compromise. And it takes two! Do not stop communicating. The more you communicate, the better the marriage will be. That is a definite. Things come up in marriage that will leave you both at a loss if you are not communication experts. Neither of you should be afraid to broach uncomfortable discussions; but you should be afraid of addressing disagreement in an offensive way. It's all about the delivery of the message--once again, COMMUNICATION!!

[mem11363]

If you over-love a woman you kill her desire for you. If you crowd her you kill her desire for you. If you radiate sexual desire at her frequently - when it is clear she is not in the mood you likely create an uncomfortable association with sex in her mind.

 

If you are fun to be with AND you are not so available to her she may desire sex to feel closer to you. If you are always available - always ready to go - you become less exciting/interesting to her.

 

Simple measures are how often:

- you say ILY first

- you initiate hugs/touch

- you initiate text/calls to her during the day

- you approach her to talk after work

 

If it is you/you/you initiating all this you are sending a subtle but powerful message that you need her. THAT comes across as needy/weak and is a turnoff. Wanting is fine/desiring is good/being NEEDY is really bad.

 

Does any of this resonate?

 

OK so I had the conversation with her last night.

I tried to explain how important intimacy is to me, and that I feel its a big part of marriage. I tried to explain all the stuff about how it makes me feel closer..etc.

 

I then went on to explain about how I feel rejected, and unwanted.. Not unloved but I felt ugly and I felt scared that she was no longer IN LOVE with me. I was nice and calm.

 

Her reaction was that, she just not feel like it, and that its stupid to compare sex and love, and that its wrong to think that no sex = no love, or that I should learn to feel loved without frequent sex..

She thinks that I just have a high sex drive and that, its my problem..

 

She admitted that she should more affectionate..I admitted that our marriage is not sexless, but twice a month is not enough. She said I always complain about frequency, which I have done in the past, and nothing has changed. Maybe its all my problem!

 

She says she is also having problems down below, which I do know about..I have encouraged her to see her to see her physician but she does not make an appointment, so it cant be that a big of deal to her if she is not going to her physician! if something was

 

So the upshot she "Just not feel like it" I guess I cant argue with that? I am not going to beg her to want it, I am prepared to work with her on it. I just find it so strange, because when we met she was so different and I know from her past before me she was quite sexual, so why now with a husband she is now so off sex, that's what i find strange, how do you just go off sex...something you seemed to enjoy so much, leads me to believe it must be me!

This also happened somewhat with my ex, and she cheated on me, I know that my wife is not cheating, she is not like that.

 

If she just said, look baby i don't feel like it at the moment, and re-assured me that its nothing bad, but its just her at the moment, I would be really cool with that. of-course its not ideal, I have before me what I think is the most beautiful woman in the world and I cant make love her with her, but its a whole lot better than feeling like a reject.

 

well I guess she has now done the above, so I am going to concentrate, on trying to work through this, and being maybe more supportive and not thinking about sex. where this will lead is anybodies guess I know I will never cheat i respect & love her to much for that and its just not me. Its about sex with her, that connection which I could not find with AW or a one night stand, as much as I want to have sex. Short of ending my marriage, which I never want to do, then I cant do anything else, and just hope that it comes full circle.

 

Its really so silly, because I thought from OUR past sex life with each other we would never have a sex issue, and thought she would be more understanding of what I am going through, but it must be a huge hurdle for her. And if she just communicated better my feelings could be so different to the situation, I cant believe she does not notice or even know about my needs? if not something is amiss.

 

Maybe I have issues relating to my own insecurities that are making a "possibly normal issue" worse. Perhaps as I am very sexual in nature, I need to put my wife's needs ahead of my own, and stop thinking with my d**k, but she is just so attractive and above all else I love so dearly. I am going to try and not get upset about it anymore. I guess the truth of it if there is anything will become apparent soon, if not it might just really be something she is not feeling at the moment and it will change. Above all if she communicates better I will feel better, and I hope she as understood this.

 

 

we are both in our late 20's

[Honorable_Venerable]

Her reaction was that, she just not feel like it, and that its stupid to compare sex and love, and that its wrong to think that no sex = no love, or that I should learn to feel loved without frequent sex..

She thinks that I just have a high sex drive and that, its my problem..

 

With all due respect to MEM, who is a man who talks a great deal of good sense, what he suggests may not do you a ****'s worth of good if your W does not have or see a connection between sex / intimacy / touching and love. If you are fun to be around but aren't always the one to initiate touching etc, it probably won't make her want sex more, since she won't see herself as unloved because of your behaviour. She'll probably get the message that YOU now understand the disconnect between love and sex and have come around to her way of thinking. You could well simply entrench and reinforce her position regarding the fact that sex and love are separate

[KiloOneOne]

Thanks for all the advice so far.

I think there is more going on to this than I first thought.

 

I have noticed that she is now really dressing very differently whilst going work.. I'm sure you all know where I am going with this. Its only a feeling and after being cheated on by my ex GF with somebody she worked with, I could be being over sensitive. Ill see where that goes.. she hasn't started working late yet, or going for drinks randomly, but lets see. I feel terrible for even thinking that, but I am no fool.

 

I show my love for what / who I love, that's just the way I am, I don't think I overly love her but I am going to tone things down anyway. However I feel that if I have to play mind games then and not be me, then I am just a person that women will never love, or i have serious issues and I need help.

 

I don't do anything out of fear of losing her, I am just me. I was brought up to be a gentleman, kind, considerate and caring. I had a very good upbringing. My dad was a true gentleman to my mother. I was taught to be strong, brave, to take responsibility for my actions. I have been no angel in the past but I am well grounded.

 

So what should I do guys? This is hurting me greatly and I'm sorry to admit, but I am very scared of the what the future holds for me. I only wanted to get married once to that special person who I have found, and now it appears (maybe its just me) to be slowly falling apart! but I feel it and I Know it, something has changed, something does not sit right.

 

Some times I wonder, am I looking for something to be wrong... am I writing my own destiny.. Maybe I should sit back and just relax, and let what comes come... I can handle just about anything, but this is cutting me deep.

Edited November 4, 2010 by KiloOneOne