Ex has gone cold -- she now ignores me completely

[andrew-bkk]

I posted this question recently in the "second chances" forum. I realize now that I should have posted it here.

 

I'm 46; my ex is 36; our son is 6; the man with whom my ex cheated is 63. We never got married, but we lived together for ten and a half years.

 

The points below are in sequence.

 

1. When I first discovered my ex's cheating, she had this crazy idea that she would continue to live in this house and we would be "best friends".

 

2. When I asked her to move out, she said she was still in love with me and that we would get back together and form the "perfect family".

 

3. When I was rude to her, she was very upset.

 

4. When I stopped phoning her or going to see her at her house, she counted the days that I didn't contact her and then claimed that I had "abandoned" her.

 

5. But when I mentioned that I have brought someone else back to this house, she went cold and has completely ignored me ever since.

 

6. I've been to her house twice over the last two weeks to see our my son, and she acts like I don't exist.

 

Why is this? It seems a bit childish. I've read that ex-girlfriends like to exert control over their previous boyfriends and resent the idea of them moving on with someone else. Is this my ex's problem? Or is she hurt because she now realizes that everything is finally finished? Or is it a combination of things?

 

I need to resolve this issue since my ex and I are parents. We need to retain some sort of communication.

 

Any feedback appreciated.

[karnak]

I'm 46; my ex is 36; our son is 6; the man with whom my ex cheated is 63.

 

???

 

It's very uncommon for a woman to cheat with a guy older than their official partner. Why did it happen?

[andrew-bkk]

???

 

It's very uncommon for a woman to cheat with a guy older than their official partner. Why did it happen?

 

Hi there

 

I just replied to another thread on this forum and gave more details.

 

This is what I wrote (in its original context).

 

And here's a copy and paste version............

 

Hi there

 

Your story is very similar to mine.

 

I'm 46 and my ex is 36. We too were together (without being married) for ten and a half years. When she started cheating a few months ago, our son was five. He has since turned six. The man she cheated with is 63.

 

It's all to do with infatuation and fantasies and immaturity. Oh -- and did I mention money?

 

My ex loves football. In the USA you'd call it soccer. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, think of David Beckham.

 

So anyway, into her life walks this 63 year old man. And he's the coach of the top football team here in Thailand.

 

Imagine the glamour! Imagine the wealth! Imagine the fantasy!

 

And now she's gone.

 

I told her to leave about three months ago.

 

And yeah -- I had all the "we WILL get back together" garbage. And I had all that "we will be best friends" nonsense.

 

None of this works. It's basically a form of control.

 

Initially I was destroyed. But I'm good now. The key is to understand and to adapt and to move on and to let the past go.

 

At first, I too could not accept the OM's role in all of this. It occurred to me that a great solution would be to have him taken out. It's quite easy to arrange things like that here in Thailand. But I never thought about this too seriously, and now I no longer think about it all.

 

Ultimately you will get over everything and come to accept that the past is the past.

 

And remember, your ten year romance brought new life into this world, and I sincerely hope that your offspring is every bit as gorgeous as mine.

 

Have a great day!

Edited October 26, 2010 by andrew-bkk

[iheartboobs]

Wow... could have killed the guy but didn't. That shows a lot of restraint. Personally, I don't think I'd ever have gone that route even if it was an option... but I'm glad it wasn't in any case.

 

My ex wanted to be best friends too, even after I'd found out she'd been sneaking around with someone I knew. It took a little while for her to accept it, but I stuck to my guns, and eventually she understood that friendship between us was never going to happen. After that, she was dead-set on being enemies, so I told her I didn't want that, but if she pushed it I'd make her life hell (complete with examples - you'll have to come up with your own leverage). Finally, she decided we could be civil for our daughter's sake.

 

So, what worked for me was treating the ex like a little kid... I explained the ground rules and consequences in the simplist possible terms and pretty much got her to agree to everything I wanted out of the divorce. If your ex is acting like a child, treat her like one.

[andrew-bkk]

After that, she was dead-set on being enemies, so I told her I didn't want that, but if she pushed it I'd make her life hell (complete with examples - you'll have to come up with your own leverage). Finally, she decided we could be civil for our daughter's sake.

 

Hey dude -- thanks for that.

 

I love your comment about "complete with examples". My guess is you're talking about THE VIDEO. We too made ours. But I'll never put it online as the camera angles are unflattering!

 

This too is superb: "So, what worked for me was treating the ex like a little kid"

 

Your feedback is much appreciated.

[iheartboobs]

Nothing as hilarious as THE VIDEO, I'm afraid... simply that she has her current job because I got it for her and I could lose it for her just as easily, that the car she depends on is solely in my name, that I had proof on my phone that she had fooled around on her new boyfriend (and soul mate ) with me (before I knew anything about the OM), and that if she was just absolutely set on being a bitch, I explained very slowly why I could get full custody of our daughter (I wouldn't, but she doesn't know that and it did the trick).

 

I'm glad I could help, the worst thing you can do with a woman who refuses to act like an adult is to try and treat her like one or expect her to behave like one... that'll get you nowhere.

[Someone Special]

I've been perusing these threads for what seems like eternity getting at least some comfort that I'm not the only one suffering this heartache madness, but when I read your posts it almost sounded like myself!

 

I'm also 46, worked in Thailand for three and a half years, met a nice girl after being there only 3 days (she was doing some survey scam in Sukhomvit, Bkk, after nearly being wiped out in the tsunami), and we went on this fantastic adventure for all the time I was there. I had to come back to the UK (told an English superior empire builder type, of all people, where to stick his job after being treated like s***, and that was the end of that!) and decided to get extra qualifications which is what I'm doing now.

 

Got a 4 year old boy with the Thai girl, just to complicate matters more.

 

Anyway, she, in her wisdom, after months of her saying she will follow me here to the UK, decides to become an aux pair in Southern California, which is where she's been for nearly 18 months! I told her she'd forget about me, but 'oh no' she says, 'never'. She could have come to where I am, although she likes to do things her way and America seemed to be crying out for aux pairs.

 

Well, expect you can guess what happened. Yep, she forgot me. Communication became more and more sparse. The more I complained about the situation, the further away she went.

Now I may as well not exist.

 

She's due to go back to Thailand in about a month (I hope for good), but I have no idea what she's been up to in the USA (yes, my imagination and instincts tell me things, although there have actually been no signs of anything, on the contrary in fact).

 

Andrew, at least Thailand is the best place to be to get over a broken heart and dreams! You're in the right place!

 

Anyway, didn't mean to thread-jack, just understand very well where you're at, although I can't imagine what it would have been like after a 10+ year relationship. I hope you didn't sign anything, not that it would actually legally count for much anyway!

 

Great to hear you seem to have found distractions to aid your recovery.

 

Think I might jump on a plane after my studies and do it all over again (get a much prettier girl next time!), and turn up to see my son with new partner. That might be some sweet consolation after the way I've been trerated!

 

Just strange how the person you knew does indeed die and is reborn again. A bit like a caterpillar into a butterfly.

It'll be me who metamorphoses into the butterfly soon though, and I think you know what that means Andrew.

 

I might even progress to helicopter, lol.

 

Sawadeekhap and chock dee!

[Tiberius]

I posted this question recently in the "second chances" forum. I realize now that I should have posted it here.

 

I'm 46; my ex is 36; our son is 6; the man with whom my ex cheated is 63. We never got married, but we lived together for ten and a half years.

 

The points below are in sequence.

 

1. When I first discovered my ex's cheating, she had this crazy idea that she would continue to live in this house and we would be "best friends".

 

2. When I asked her to move out, she said she was still in love with me and that we would get back together and form the "perfect family".

 

3. When I was rude to her, she was very upset.

 

4. When I stopped phoning her or going to see her at her house, she counted the days that I didn't contact her and then claimed that I had "abandoned" her.

 

5. But when I mentioned that I have brought someone else back to this house, she went cold and has completely ignored me ever since.

 

6. I've been to her house twice over the last two weeks to see our my son, and she acts like I don't exist.

 

Why is this? It seems a bit childish. I've read that ex-girlfriends like to exert control over their previous boyfriends and resent the idea of them moving on with someone else. Is this my ex's problem? Or is she hurt because she now realizes that everything is finally finished? Or is it a combination of things?

 

I need to resolve this issue since my ex and I are parents. We need to retain some sort of communication.

 

Any feedback appreciated.

 

You werent married, therefore she never got to ecert any power of you through her lawyer in divorce court. She has no power to "make you pay" or "get even" in any way, all she can do is to be cold and she is.

 

She might have cheated, but the 2 of you have a son toegether, you should try and make it work.