cheating in a sexless marriage

[Mimolicious]

I know that most people are going to just want to yell at me or tell me I am a horrible person or something, so try to say something constructive with your flaming.

 

I just cheated on my husband of 4 years. Let me explain.

 

 

When I dated my husband he told me he was a virgin, and was waiting for marriage. I respected this. When we got married and didnt have sex for a few months I really considred leaving him. He didnt even want to sleep in the same bed because "sleep is important to him and I may disturb him". We had a lot of issues, and I even ended up in the psych ward for a bit. But I decided that I love him and I want to stay with him no matter what. We have been married 4 years and never had sex, never french kissed, and never slept in the same bed.

 

I FORGIVE YOU!

 

He is simply not interested in sex. He is not attracted to naked ladies, and is bored by anything sexual. Sometimes I get a hug, sometimes a peck on the cheek...this is all.

 

He calls me his best friend and that is how we live

 

Ive been living like this for 4 years. I recently turned 30 and all kinds of strange stuff is going on with me. I am no longer satisfied to just be who I currently am. But I digress...

 

I decided I deserve intimacy. I am a human and I have needs. Turning 30 did something weird to my sex drive. I think about it constantly. Even after I "take care of myself" I immediatly start thinking about men again. I dont even need to watch porn. All I need to do is pop in the DVD of Twilight and Im ready to go.

 

Ive talked about this with him a hundred times. Ive cried to him. I even told him Im thinking of cheating.... do you know what he says...do you know what ALL he says...

 

"You just dont understand how I feel"

 

So, night before last....I snapped. I just snapped.

 

I made a post on craigslist and long story short I met a random guy and gave him oral sex.

 

THIS IS WHERE THE REAL PROBLEM BEGINS! Hone, you can't divorce your H and have more hot action if you're in a body bag. Have you not seen enough rape and murder victims in ref to this? A random guy that can be a serial killer. If he is on craigslist hooking up, how much good can come out of this?!

 

And you know what, I feel bad but I DONT feel bad. This is going to sound like a really really crappy thing to say and Im a really really crappy person to say it...but I loved it. And Im probably going to do it again.

 

Im going to tell my husband about this, I just have to figure out how to do it

 

I just cant live the rest of my life without sex or intimacy or even kissing. God I miss kissing so much. Sometimes I just daydream about kissing all day long.

 

I agree but if your source of hooking up is internet ads, you may not have much of a life afterall. You are seriously bugging! The least ou can catch is an STD.

 

I guess I just needed to let it out - I needed to tell someone.

 

The thing that scares me is how bad I DONT feel. And Im sure this is going to happen again.

 

Should I live my life of "friendship" with my husband ? I love him so bad it hurts, and I dont want a divorce. I just dont know what to do.

 

You don't have a M, you have a friendship. Unless it matters to stay legally married for tax and insurance purposes, I dont why you can't get a divorce. Not like you are going to lose your lover over it. I am actually amazed that it took this long for you to cheat.

 

A girl has needs...

 

Your H, has serious psychological issues. Get him help.

[2sure]

I hope you are not thinking that because you love other things about your H and your relationship that you can "fix" it by

 

Finding sexual fulfillment elsewhere. You cant. First, because sex will not replace the intimacy you do not have.

 

Your H deceived you. The marriage is not working. Do Not rob your soul from yourself or compromise your personal integrity by betraying it and your H.

 

That doesnt lead to anything good.

[Mimolicious]

I dont know why I love him, but I do. It is probably because I feel in love with him before we were married. And I respect so many other things about him. He is a brilliant artist, and he is a teacher ( high school art) We have the same philosophy of life, we are really made for each other in so many ways

 

For years I just denied this... I pushed it out of my head. I basically told myself if this is my only issue Im lucky. All of my other ex's cheated on me, and, for a little while at least, I thought "at least he isnt going to cheat on me"

 

But I really do think it is age and hormones. I get honry again right after I take care of myself, and it is not so much that I want to have sex for the good feeling, but for the physical act of touching and being touched. I miss THE PASSION. I would be satisfied just making out with someone.

 

Ive told him this so many times...about how it is not so much I want to have an orgasm is is that I want to feel the rush of being physical

 

he says... " you just dont understant how I feel "

 

Ive said so many mean things to him the past few months. About the feelings Im having, and the things I want to do. Ive told him im thinking of cheating and Ive told him it will probably happen. And, like Ive said, he says " you just dont understand how I feel"

 

I dont think I could have romanantic feelings for someone else. I immediatly started to hate this guy as soon as he left the room.

 

_______________________________________________________

 

 

does anyone know HOW to start the talk ? How can I tell the man that loves me that I cheated on him.... Im afraid the words just wont come.

 

 

You don't know this till you find it! Ok, I hope you didn't think you were going to the dude after a hook-up from Craigslist. You need some professional help or you can fall even into a darker hole.

[eris23]

I am sorry I cannot reply to everyone individually, but I am reading everything and I appreciate everything and I honestly agree with most of what most everyone is saying.

 

I know craigslist is dangerous and, honestly, im not going to do THAT again. I did not want to "like him", i just used him. He wasnt even very nice to me.

 

I do not want to use this as an excuse for anything, but it is almost like I went into a trance. It is like something snapped in my head and i didnt regain composure until I sat dumbfounded on the floor crying my eyes out after he left.

 

I should have been able to control myself, but Im starting to feel cheated. Im starting to feel like he tricked me into marrying him and I deserve sex. I hate feeling like this, I hate the way I feel

 

I certainly didnt think this would fix anything except temporary hornieness.

 

I said to my husband later that day, " what would you do if I cheated on you." All he said is " I wouldnt leave you."

 

divorce..i know...its a hard road ahead.

 

I know this may sound weird, but If I was ALLOWED to have sex, even once a year, Id be ok

 

but now...im really really not ok...

 

i need to tell him soon

[YellowShark]

We have been married 4 years and never had sex, never french kissed, and never slept in the same bed.

 

He is simply not interested in sex. He is not attracted to naked ladies, and is bored by anything sexual.

 

Perhaps he is gay and "in the closet." I am not being flippant, I am only expressing what happened to a friend of mine. Her husband was the same, no sex, no interest in having sex, and she blamed herself.. but she was so in love she put up with it. Yet, several years down the road, he eventually left her for ANOTHER MAN.

 

Frankly I worry about people who have no interest in sex - (unless it's medical) - because it is such a natural, healthy thing between people in love to do.

[Silly_Girl]

Sex once a year would NOT suffice.

 

Your marriage continuing like this will NOT fulfil you for ever.

[Mimolicious]

Perhaps he is gay and "in the closet." I am not being flippant, I am only expressing what happened to a friend of mine. Her husband was the same, no sex, no interest in having sex, and she blamed herself.. but she was so in love she put up with it. Yet, several years down the road, he eventually left her for ANOTHER MAN.

 

Frankly I worry about people who have no interest in sex - (unless it's medical) - because it is such a natural, healthy thing between people in love to do.

 

and even not "in love".

[YellowShark]

and even not "in love".

 

SHA-WING! HA!

[eris23]

I have thought maybe he is gay. But certain things he has said before we were married make me think he is not. Nothing homophobic just silly things about a guy that once hit on him and how he felt weird being around him again.

 

Also, I confronted him with this. I told him I would be ok if he was gay and we BOTH needed to figure out how to be sexually fulfilled and he could have sex with dudes if I could have sex with dudes. No dice.

 

He doesnt get morning erections. We've been to a few different doctors and even a urologist. There is nothing physically wrong with him. They say he is depressed. He now takes antidepressents and goes to therapy, but this is 2 years now, so enough time has passed for him to improve if he was going to...and he still doesnt like sex.

 

He just totally avoids the issue.

[GorillaTheater]

He just totally avoids the issue.

 

Tell him that he has to deal with the issue. That if he doesn't, it's over between you.

 

It's not like status quo is working out too well.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

I decided I deserve intimacy. I am a human and I have needs.

 

so is your husband, and I'm sure one of his needs is to not be betrayed.

 

So you got your needs met, but now his needs are in the crapper.

 

If he has no interest in sex, then why not divorce, then you can shag all you like.

 

 

 

Turning 30 did something weird to my sex drive. I think about it constantly. Even after I "take care of myself" I immediatly start thinking about men again. I dont even need to watch porn. All I need to do is pop in the DVD of Twilight and Im ready to go.

 

Ive talked about this with him a hundred times. Ive cried to him. I even told him Im thinking of cheating.... do you know what he says...do you know what ALL he says...

 

"You just dont understand how I feel"

 

 

 

 

So, night before last....I snapped. I just snapped.

 

I made a post on craigslist and long story short I met a random guy and gave him oral sex.

 

ok, now I'm thinking this is a troll post.

 

And you know what, I feel bad but I DONT feel bad. This is going to sound like a really really crappy thing to say and Im a really really crappy person to say it...but I loved it. And Im probably going to do it again.

 

then get a divorce.

 

 

Im going to tell my husband about this, I just have to figure out how to do it

 

I just cant live the rest of my life without sex or intimacy or even kissing. God I miss kissing so much. Sometimes I just daydream about kissing all day long.

 

then get a divorce.

 

 

I guess I just needed to let it out - I needed to tell someone.

 

The thing that scares me is how bad I DONT feel. And Im sure this is going to happen again.

 

then get a divorce.

 

 

Should I live my life of "friendship" with my husband ? I love him so bad it hurts, and I dont want a divorce. I just dont know what to do.

 

doesn't matter if you don't want a divorce...your husband, even with a like of sexual desire, deserves someone that won't do this to him.

 

get a divorce.

[Dexter Morgan]

I think if you tell your husband you are interested in having sex outside the marriage and have already done so, and want to continue doing so, he will be happy and relieved, assuming you can keep it sex-only and not get emotionally involved, and obviously not get pregnant or std's from another man.

 

and because he doesn't seem interested in sex, with the OP, he might just say,

 

"whew, I'm so glad you told me this......cuz I have something to confess to you also....."

[YellowShark]

I have thought maybe he is gay. But certain things he has said before we were married make me think he is not. Nothing homophobic just silly things about a guy that once hit on him and how he felt weird being around him again.

 

There's a river in Egypt, it's called denial.

 

Also, I confronted him with this. I told him I would be ok if he was gay and we BOTH needed to figure out how to be sexually fulfilled and he could have sex with dudes if I could have sex with dudes. No dice.

 

Hmmmmm...

 

He doesnt get morning erections. We've been to a few different doctors and even a urologist. There is nothing physically wrong with him. They say he is depressed. He now takes antidepressents and goes to therapy, but this is 2 years now, so enough time has passed for him to improve if he was going to...and he still doesnt like sex.

 

He just totally avoids the issue.

 

So, you've asked him about having sex with men and he said no. You've tried to have sex with him and he said no. You've been to A) "a few different doctors," B) "a urologist," and for the past two years he's been in C) "therapy" with antidepressants. And still nothing huh?

 

I guess you have to ask yourself eris23 if you can live in a sexless marriage, or one that is 'open' so that you may have sex with men. Otherwise I think as a supportive wife you have done absolutely everything in your power to fix this problem.

[Silly_Girl]

I guess you have to ask yourself eris23 if you can live in a sexless marriage, or one that is 'open' so that you may have sex with men. Otherwise I think as a supportive wife you have done absolutely everything in your power to fix this problem.

 

Indeed. And I think that to 'carry' him further, beyond this point, would be a negative, detrimental process for him. You need to push back - demand he communicates with you openly and with the love you believe he has for you. He has some dealing he has to do, and you simply can't do it for him.

[quankanne]

eris, when someone refuses to address the issue but only can come up with "you just don't understand how I feel," my thought is that that person is in denial about their homosexuality. Because a man with no interest in sex, but who generally likes women sexually, will sometimes find ways to be intimate with his partner simply to "show her" that he loves her (sometimes called mercy sex, and it's not a fun thing. Still, it's an attempt, you know?) ...

 

I'm not an advocate for divorce unless there's actual abuse going on, but in your case, I think it might be the only recourse for you and him because this is not a normal marriage in which there is some level of intimacy going on, it's you and him legally occupying space in the same dwelling and being roommates and friends.

[eris23]

He could be gay, I guess. But the fact that he doesnt get morning wood makes me think it is just depression that he reuses to adress

 

Im finding a therapist - today !

[michelangelo]

Your marriage has not been consummated.

 

Your so-called husband has defrauded you of a marriage.

 

You can remain the exact same kind of friends you are when you part. But then you are free to have a normal sexual life.

[Silly_Girl]

Your marriage has not been consummated.

 

Your so-called husband has defrauded you of a marriage.

 

You can remain the exact same kind of friends you are when you part. But then you are free to have a normal sexual life.

 

In the UK (not sure where Eris is) you need to request an annulment very quickly. I checked this in respect of my boyfriend's marriage.

 

If you have accepted the situation and lived with it for a reasonable period (Eris has), it's not possible to annul.

[michelangelo]

I was not aware the Brits put a time limit on annulment.

 

In that case, if it applies, just divorce.

[Dexter Morgan]

He could be gay,

 

or sometimes in a marriage, like I found out, when one isn't acting interested in sex, its because they are getting it elsewhere.

[freestyle]

I know the gay angle has already been addressed, so I won't go there--

 

Another possibility is Asperger's --your H could be high-functioning, without displaying a lot of obvious symptoms.

 

AVPD is a possibility as well--(Avoidant Personality Disorder)--a lack of sexual interest is common with both of these conditions, as well as having an inability to understand how someone else is feeling--

 

Withholding affection can do a ton of damage, my heart goes out to you, OP.

[whichwayisup]

I never expected people to be so understanding

 

I am really beating myself up.

 

My biggest problem is that he basically promised me we would have a sex life when we were married, and this is where my feeling of " I deserve sex so I must cheat" feeling is coming from. ( even thought I think this feeling is wrong )

 

I just love him so much, I love him more than anything.

 

Im 30, and will soon be 31,32,33 .... these years for a woman are very sexual ,and im afraid my feelings of constant hornieness are only going to get worse

 

Why doesn't he want sex? Is there something medically wrong with him, something that he hasn't told you about? Did something happen to him when he was younger, sexually abused, or something along those lines?

 

He promised you sex after marriage and hasn't followed through on that.

 

TALK to him, tell him how it makes you feel when he rejects you. Do counselling, sex therapy, anything to try to salvage your marriage.

 

IF he can't do this, counselling and making an effort to have intimacy with you, even cuddling, kissing and fooling around then think about divorce. OR, talk to him about the open marriage thing.

[ilovelife75]

That is what I was going to say whichway. Has your H been sexually abused? Aspergers or APD are good ideas as well but I am really concerned about the sexual abuse. Sexual abuse in childhood in my specialty (I am a therapist). If you need any help, let me know.

 

Your H needs to come clean with what the real problem is, and if he says "you don't understand how I feel", you need to shoot back with, "no I do not understand how you feel because you do not tell me the truth about how you feel other than to say you aren't interested". You need to tell him what you have done, and although the choice was yours to make to cheat, and it was wrong, he has to accept his role in the marriage that lead you to beleive you had no other option.

 

Withholding affection is just as harmful in a marriage. Good luck.

[eris23]

Thank you everyone for helping me with this I assure you I am not a troll this is very real. This happened this morning, i dont know if i mentioned this, it was just this morning

 

and the guilt I am starting to go through right now is devastating. what I did was inexcusable. And you know what ? the guy emailed me asking for #2.

 

Of course I will never talk to this guy again ! Just a stupid college kid. WTF DID I DO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Why doesn't he want sex? Is there something medically wrong with him, something that he hasn't told you about? Did something happen to him when he was younger, sexually abused, or something along those lines?

 

He promised you sex after marriage and hasn't followed through on that.

 

TALK to him, tell him how it makes you feel when he rejects you. Do counselling, sex therapy, anything to try to salvage your marriage.

 

IF he can't do this, counselling and making an effort to have intimacy with you, even cuddling, kissing and fooling around then think about divorce. OR, talk to him about the open marriage thing.

 

we do hug, and I get a kiss, sometimes even on the mouth, but it is closed mouth, dry, and very quick.

 

I dont know where else to tunr. I love him so much but I am so sexually frustrated....I have talked to him about a thousand times !!! I told him I am thinking of cheating !!!!! I tried to be nice, i tried to be understanding, I tried to be everything....i tried everything, HE WONT TALK ABOUT IT

 

Ive loved this man over four years, i just cant stop loving him. i dont want to let him go

 

there is nothing medically wrong, he had a great childhood but he WAS raised in a strict Christian household and has strong morals and was kind os sheltered when it comes to sex and porn and things of this nature. He is also depressed.

 

I did this to a good Christian boy. Im going to hell.

Edited October 27, 2010 by eris23

[reservoirdog1]

there is nothing medically wrong, he had a great childhood but he WAS raised in a strict Christian household and has strong morals and was kind os sheltered when it comes to sex and porn and things of this nature. He is also depressed.

 

I did this to a good Christian boy. Im going to hell.

No you're not. Stop thinking and speaking that kind of bullshyt -- it's not true and it's not helping you.

 

His upbringing is irrelevant. Letting him off the hook for his deception of you because of his upbringing is a cop-out. It's called personal responsibility. He was an adult, and made a decision during your pre-marriage relationship. The decision was to lead you to believe that sex would be a part of your relationship once you were married. He has reneged on that, and you don't even know why, because he refuses to discuss it with you. He could have been honest with you four years ago and told you that he wasn't interested in ever having sex with you, BEFORE he married you and conned you into making a massive life commitment. But instead, he chose to deceive you. He screwed with your emotions and your feelings and hasn't even shown you the respect of being truthful and open with you about why. Frankly, he's a selfish, emotionally stunted douchebag.

 

I'm having trouble seeing how your recent actions weren't pretty understandable in the circumstances.