cheating in a sexless marriage

[stillafool]

I'm sorry I didn't have time to read your entire thread, but I think your husband is gay. He may be using you as a beard. If you have never comsummated your marriage, I don't think you are truly married. I don't know why you are even thinking of staying in a marriage for the rest of your life where there will never, ever be sex included. If I were you I would file for a divorce now while you're only 30 instead of waiting until you are too old to move on to someone else.

[You Go Girl]

There's a lot of biased bs written on this thread.

 

1) The man doesn't have morning wood. Now I don't know how she knows this since they have never slept even in the same bed. But let's say she took note on hot summer mornings when she was up and he was still asleep with the sheets thrown off. That's just about the only way she would know, unless he told her.

This is a physical problem, this part only. If he doesn't have morning wood, there's no doubt about it, and that probably means he isn't gay. If he had morning wood, he would get sex from somewhere.

 

2) They have never even slept in the same bed.

This is psychological. He is terribly uncomfortable with the idea of physical intimacy of any kind.

Seriously get him into IC, and flat out ask him if he was ever sexually abused.

 

3) What was his family life like growing up? Are there any hugs between parents and siblings? Is this a family that keeps physical distance?

 

4)He refused to even try to consumate. This is mental. Even if physically unable for some reason, or an extremely low libido, he might have tried out of curiousity. He wasn't even curious? Now how can that be? Not curious to even check out a woman's body? Not curious to know what a bj feels like? Zero curiousity?

People are curious. This is a severe mental block on his part.

I highly suspect child sexual abuse.

[goingstrong]

YGG, You can make it politically correct all you want by calling us biased, but I posted some legitimate medical questions for the OP to consider. If it looks like a duck and acts like a duck, then there is a damn good chance it is a duck.

[Stung]

ok, missed all that. ok, so he has done all this. I'd say then he was making an effort...looks like nothing is working through no fault of his own. If he wasn't concerned or didn't care, he wouldn't have gone to see the doctors.

 

well wouldn't you find this odd and that there is some underlying huge problem here? This isn't just a case of a man that isn't attracted to his wife and simply neglects her...there is a mental or physical problem here.

 

well maybe if you had a problem which you were trying to seek help and nothing was working, and something of no fault of your own..maybe you wouldn't care if your wife went out and boned other people.

 

i would and would suggest that we get a divorce if that were the case with me.

 

I have in fact dealt with residual trauma from something not-my-fault that I had to seek help for, and for some time nothing was working, and I went through a period of celibacy while trying to sort it all out. It was a painful and difficult and confusing time and I don't wish it on anybody.

 

If I had foolishly misled somebody into marrying me at that time by misrepresenting myself as mentally and sexually sound and promising them something I couldn't give, and then denied them sex and affection for four years, neglected their needs when they were begging me to help them, refused to tell them why, only sought professional help at their insistence, rejected all their attempts to come up with a workable solution that would get some of their needs met too, and ignored them when they warned me that they were at the end of their rope and on the brink of cheating on me--well, I can't say I'd be monumentally shocked to find that they had, in fact, cheated on me. I wouldn't be happy about it, I'd be angry and sad, but I'd recognize the huge part that I had played in wrecking the harmony of my marriage by denying and rejecting my partner to an absolutely outrageous extent. I'd regretfully accept that I had ignored all kinds of LOUD cries for help from my partner, and that I had never really made a good-faith attempt to have a healthy marriage with another human being who also had needs.

 

Yes, she should have filed for divorce first. Cheating is always a poor decision and a hurtful one, I have not stated otherwise. But if she has gone through everything she says she has, I'm unwilling to roundly condemn her as an awful person. Such extreme emotional and physical neglect, the loneliness and frustration after four years--I can imagine this doing strange things to a person's psyche, just as his own mysterious experiences have clearly wrought changes on her husband. If this scenario is for real, I just don't think it can be lightly compared to most of the infidelity situations involving more normal marriages on this board.

 

It's a sad story, honestly. The husband here probably either has some trauma he is unable to face and overcome--and I do know what that is like--or there is some basic aspect of his sexuality he is unwilling to own up to. It's also possible that he is one of the 'asexual' people who simply never has had a sex drive. He seems to be trying to shoehorn himself into a socially acceptable marital relationship, but he just can't make himself fit. In truth, I feel for both parties in this weird and untenable situation.

 

OP, again, it's time to dissolve your union. I know you still care about your husband, but this marriage is a torture for you. Surely you can still try to get him help, as his friend? You have already done your time as his beard.

[eris23]

I really wish people would READ the thread before commenting.

 

But than you Stung and a few othrs who are actually commenting on the facts Ive presented, I am really listening and taking in all advice, from everyone even if you dont like what I have done

 

 

I really doubt he is gay, ok, gay people get morning wood

 

He has told me he doesnt get morning wood and he has told me he never gets erections at all. he may find a girl pretty but does not have sexual thoughts about her.

 

We are very open with each other and have had many discussions about this, Ive even encouraged him to watch porn to get excited and he just isnt getting excited.

 

Ive seem him innocently check out other women but its been a long time

 

Ive tried giving him a bj, nothing happens.

 

ive tried everything

 

Honestly except for the sex part we are really great together, I do not doubt that he loves me.

 

I could live without sex from him and i could live with being his friend as long as I can have sex with SOMEONE.

 

I know this sounds horrible, but if Im going to spill my life onto an internet forum I better be honest or it wont help anything

 

As for his family life Im pretty sure he has had a pretty good childhood. I do know he was bullied as a kid by other kids at school, but his family are good people. Ive seen him hug his mom a hundred times. He has hugged ME a million times.

 

He is extremely depressed, and has social anxiety

 

People are saying the meds are causing it BUT IF YOU READ WHAT I ACTUALLY WROTE he didnt start teh meds until 2 years after this problem started so it is impossible for the meds to be a problem as the problem happened before the meds.

Edited October 30, 2010 by eris23

[bentnotbroken]

Okay, I haven't read the whole thing so forgive if this has been asked and answered. Are you sure your husband is a man? I am not trying to be funny, just thought of something that happened in our area awhile back. Man says wife won't consummate the relationship, 4 years later wife is in an accident, husband finds out wife isn't a woman from doctors. It may sound far fetched...but is it possible?

[bestplayer]

I made a therapist appointment on monday, this is the soonest I can get

 

Im going to tell him everything at the appointment

 

Ive decided to tell him we need to seperate, and he needs to take some time to figure out what exacty he wants to do about this once and for all.

 

Honestly, im going to tell him that we can be together if one of these 2 things happen

 

1. we become intimate with each other ( it doesnt have to be intercourse if he cant get it up )

 

or

 

2. I am allowed to have NSA sex with one man. I really honestly wont fall for this dude, as I kind of find the whole idea of this revolting yet extremely erotic

 

 

I guess the truth hurts, and the truth is that even if I never cheat on him again Ill think about it all the time, and that is just as bad as actually doing it

 

I need to have sex, or im gonna die :S

 

Everyone says we are incompatible, and we are

 

but know this.....he loves me HE REALLY LOVES ME. I have NEVER doubted this, we have been though hell together.

 

 

Oh, and I dont think im going to hell....

 

Im just going THROUGH hell

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly , although you cheated , right now it looks like he is kind of ruining your relationship by his lack of concern about your needs . Just curious , what exactly are the excuses he gives you for behaving like that ?

[eris23]

ok, seriously

 

if you guys want to keep asking the same questions over and over without reading what Ive written Im done.

 

Im only going to respond to new and resonable questions from now on

Edited October 30, 2010 by eris23

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

It is very common for medications to cause impotency. I understand that he had this problem prior to medication but he certainly could have had and has a hormonal imbalance. A complete physical and boodwork is required. If all is normal then I would suggest that you look into getting your husband to see a sex therapist. It is certainly worth a try. I wish you luck.

[newlife2010]

It is unbelievable to me that anyone could 'blame' you given the circumstances.

 

There are some who posted to your thread who believe in black and white... "cheating is NEVER okay". While I agree with that in general, I think there are situations that don't apply. Yours is one. The one or two people who have posted to your thread that I disagree with (one who has posted several times in this thread) I believe, from reading many of their posts, are very bitter and angry about their own situation, and can't see beyond that. This person's posts all follow that pattern. It is sad but true.

 

YOU were promised, by your H, something that didn't happen. And it was not something elective... in fact, having intimacy with a spouse (sleeping in the same bed, no less! ) is EXPECTED. As someone else noted, it goes along the lines of food and water and shelter.

 

So it seems to me from your posts that you have tried. That you sought help. That you feel remorse. I don't frankly know WHY you should feel 'remorse', since all you did was try to be a good marriage partner, and you were met with the opposite.

 

Contrary to what a few others here have posted, I don't think that you are responsible for 'fixing' your husband. You were led to believe a very misleading statement by him before marriage. Whatever his reasons are for not being intimate with you... he LIED to you by telling you his value system was responsible and things would be different upon being married.

[newlife2010]

The first instinct all of us had is that he is gay.

 

It is simple. Men are interested in sex with women. Unless they are not. And in that case, they are typically gay (with some relatively rare medical exceptions). It is not typical or in any way normal for a man to be uninterested in sex TOTALLY with women, unless he is a homosexual.

[eris23]

I am not upset people are saying he is gay

 

I am upset that I have explained things 10 times, yet people still ask the same questions over and over

 

Someone said he is gay, i explained why I dont think so

 

Then someone else says he is gay, I explain the situation again

 

I specifically say Ive tried to give him a bj, and in the next post someone asks me if iver ever seen his penis

 

I say he has seen a doctor, then someone asks me if he has seen a doctor

 

whatever

 

And I personally think that an EA would be worse, I could neer have feelings fo anyone - but I understand why other people think otherwise

 

Im not trying to justify my actions, i just need to figure out how to move forward

[Alma Mobley]

I would have told you to read up on asexuality, but the lack of an erection -- ever -- really makes me think it is a physical problem (or maybe he is asexual in addition to having a physical problem...). Were you present when these doctors told your husband that nothing was wrong with him?

[fooled once]

FYI - before I start - you should know that many people read the FIRST post and comment. I see you getting pissy that people aren't "reading your posts". Well, they may not want to read through all the pages before responding. So before getting pissed, just wait and let them read the entire thread.

 

gay people get morning wood

 

WHAT??????? Where did you get THAT information???

 

I am very confused why you are insisting since he doesn't get "morning wood" that something is wrong with him or isn't gay? What does having a morning erection have to do with sexuality (homo or hetero)? Sounds like YOU have mis-information.

 

I have a very hard time understanding you telling him you want sex and he tells you "you just don't understand". Understand what? Do you NOT press the conversation?

 

Regarding depression - I agree - many anti-depressants do completely kill a sex drive.

 

Have you ever thought that maybe he isn't interested in you that way; maybe he just loves you like a friend and you don't turn him on? Maybe he does masturbate. Maybe he has snuck off and given a woman off craigslist oral. Personally, I cannot believe you actually placed an ad and went and gave a BJ to some complete and utter stranger. That is what makes me think this entire thread is not real. WHO does that???

 

I don't get why you are going to tell a therapist the truth, but not your H. Maybe I missed that your H is going with you? I guess you feel that it will empower you to have a therapist there when you tell him what you did.

 

It is up to you to decide if you want to stay in a sexless marriage. I don't understand how you "love him so much" yet were more than willing to go meet some stranger and give HIM oral sex. I mean, how does that even satisfy YOUR needs? I could see you saying you had sex with a stranger, because at least you would get your needs met; but giving a stranger a bj? Not getting how you got off from that.

[goingstrong]

More people would read thread if some posters were not so friggin long winded. Also, the OP never answered if her husband has secondary sexual characteristics such as whether or not he shaves or has body hair. This would rule out alot of things.

[jnj express]

get the book secret lover, by sonya friedman----it may give you a whole lot of insight

[eris23]

Well, what I mean by "gay people get morning wood" is that normally functioning gay people get morning wood, so if he is gay it is not his only problem

 

 

Shaves ? Well, he shaves his face and has the right amount of hair for a 31 year old including a little on his chest.

 

Yes, i press the conversation, it is just circles I get angry and he offers to give me oral sex but only when we are fighting, and I dont want it when we are fighting

 

It would probably happen once a month - a huge fight about no intimacy. He just keeps telling me he has no confidence in himself.

[You Go Girl]

Eris--does he ever masturbate? I am asking because I am wondering if he has any sexual drive whatsoever.

Would he answer that question honestly?

[eris23]

Eris--does he ever masturbate? I am asking because I am wondering if he has any sexual drive whatsoever.

Would he answer that question honestly?

 

He told me he did it when he was a teenager, but the last time he did it was years before we met ( he was 26 when we met)

 

Yeah, I think he is honest with me about everything

 

Except for this sex issue we are really close

[You Go Girl]

So no morning wood, no masturbation, no erections.

This is physical more than anything else. He has no desires.

 

Ask him if he can get an erection should he try to masturbate?

[eris23]

So no morning wood, no masturbation, no erections.

This is physical more than anything else. He has no desires.

 

Ask him if he can get an erection should he try to masturbate?

 

Yeah, ive tried. I dont mean to be too graphic or anything but Ive even tried to give him a Bj while watching porn. Ive encouraged him to try to touch himself, he says he just doesnt want to

 

It is like he is only concerned about our sex life when I get concerned about it, and if i never made a fuss about it wed never even talk about it

 

 

 

. Personally, I cannot believe you actually placed an ad and went and gave a BJ to some complete and utter stranger. That is what makes me think this entire thread is not real. WHO does that???

 

Well I did it, and honestly I did it a bunch of times before I was married. if no one did it craigslist wouldnt exist.

 

Im not justifying my actions, I know I was wrong

 

but If Im making this all up I think id be pretty sick, and would have wasted a ton of time.

 

I can be honest online in a way I cant be honest to my real life friends about this

Edited October 31, 2010 by eris23

[Toodamnpragmatic]

but don't get upset that people are proverbially trying to shake some sense into you.

 

You refused to question it prior to marriage. You understood why you needed separate beds (or is it separate rooms?) after you were married. You accept that you do not kiss, hug or show any affection. You have seen dr's, but don't say whether it was together or even mentioned that you specifically discussed the "problem". You claim to have talked hours and hours with him, but he has given you no answers or been at all honest.

 

You are so in love with him and devoted that you are prepared to go through life without ever having sex,huma touch, children, a family..... You are upset when I mention that developing an EA or PA is perfectly acceptable in this situation....

 

Let me ask.... Do you have any friends? A family? Colleagues? Each and every one of them will tell you that you are both nuts and in need of significant counseling.....

 

With all the issues and what you have gone through, your solution was to post an ad on craigslist and give a random guy a BJ, but not have sex.... I can't even begin to delve into the reasons behind that.

 

Then in a post above you have actually stated he has offered you oral after fights, but not sex?????? Excuse but I am confused.... Have you gotten oral from him ever? If yes, is this common? Does that not turn him on?

 

I will go back to Viagra/Cialis/Levitra.... How about slipping him one.....

 

But fine.... Don't listen to me or anyone else.... But please don't hurt yourself.

Edited October 31, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[eris23]

I dont know why you think im not listening, I only got frustrated that Im answering the same questions over and over, I am very much listening and i dont think anyone is really tying to shake sense into me.

 

but i dont like being called "nuts", that wasnt neccesary

 

We have seen the doctors together, and asked very embarassing questions together - all of the docs said it is emotional and psychological

 

I gave a BJ because that is what I wanted to do. I know this is weird to understand but that is all I can say - it is what I wanted to do.

 

No ive never gotten oral from him - he only offers when we fight about it and i dont want it then. He doesnt offer sex because he cant get it up.

 

yes I have friends - was that suppost to be an insult ? I cant bring myself to talk about this with them. Its embarassing

Edited October 31, 2010 by eris23

[You Go Girl]

Eris, I am listening, and have paid attention to everything you have written.

People--stop telling her she will never have children with this man. If you were paying ATTENTION you would have noticed that she said she can't have kids.

There's always knee-jerk reactions on LS, Eris, ignore it.

A few people will pay attention.

 

It's ok that you gave a bj.

Psychologically--I get it. You wanted validation that you could make a man, ANY MAN, get off with you. Giving a bj gave you that validation, without actually having consummate sex, the kind you've never had with your H. Cheating, but less cheating.

But do please stop putting yourself in harm's way.

 

Her patience people--after 4 frickin years! She's no cheater...this is far beyond that. Her patience is probably beyond 99.99999% of the people on LS to tolerate absolutely zero sex in a 4 year marriage. Get off her back.

Walk a mile in her shoes, or two, or four years before you pass judgment.

[You Go Girl]

I am wondering if these doctors have been wrong. It is entirely possible that he has seen doctors that aren't very good. Did he get his testosterone levels checked? I re-read the entire thread to see if this information was on it, and I saw somebody else asked this question too, but I didn't see the answer and am sorry if I missed it.

 

A psychological problem wouldn't give him a lack of erections, especially morning wood, actually, including at different times throughout the night, to be clinically correct.

I believe, not being a doctor, but that his body would produce the erections regardless of where his mind is at.

 

However, this is definitely psychological too, because he doesn't even appear curious. Men with ED still want sex. So the physical issue wouldn't stop the mental curiousity, and the mental issue wouldn't stop the nighttime erections.

This sounds two-fold, mental and physical.

 

You did say he said he lacks confidence. Well, sure, without erections, who wouldn't lack confidence.

 

The physical can be figured out by hormone testing.

The psychological--ask him if he was ever abused sexually.

I assume you know all of his other sexual encounters? Can you tell us what they are so that we get a full picture of his sexual history?