cheating in a sexless marriage

[eris23]

thank you , You Go Girl, for being understanding and reading the facts

 

Im not so sure these doctors did everything they could. I do know there were blood tests and prostate exams and I even saw a specialist (urologist) . This specialst really spent very little time with us, though, I kind of got the idea he didnt like dealing with ED

 

and that is exactly why I did a BJ It was a combination of wanting to pleasure a man and also not going so far as to have sex. It is like I thought it wasnt as bad ( but it really really really is just as bad )

 

Ive asked him if he was sexually abused and he said no... but be was seriously and seerely teased by other children when he was younger, and his family sheltered him from most things and he was not allowed to watch movies or play cards or these things - as strict christian upbringing as you could imagine. He is no longer a Christain and neither am I, and I dont know if this means anything or not

 

His sexual history is non existant. He told me he masturbated for the first time at 15 but then he only did it once every few months and he hadnt done it since he was 23 or so ( he is now 31 ). He never had sex. He has kissed girls but in the same way he kisses me - just pecks

 

He had never had a serious girlfriend, but he did date other women sometimes and he told me that when he was 18 years old or so he was madly in love with a friend ( a girl ) that didnt love him back. But he said he got over it a year or so later and it didnt bother him anymore and he doesnt care about her anymore. I believe this as we once ran into her in public and all did did was laugh at how she got fat ( immature I know Im just saying he is not still in love with her )

 

Oh, im telling him about this very soon. I wanted to wait until after his best friends wedding I did not want him to miss that.

Edited October 31, 2010 by eris23

[goingstrong]

Jinkies, maybe someone can dig up some answers to this mystery...

[dreamingoftigers]

thank you , You Go Girl, for being understanding and reading the facts

 

Im not so sure these doctors did everything they could. I do know there were blood tests and prostate exams and I even saw a specialist (urologist) . This specialst really spent very little time with us, though, I kind of got the idea he didnt like dealing with ED

 

and that is exactly why I did a BJ It was a combination of wanting to pleasure a man and also not going so far as to have sex. It is like I thought it wasnt as bad ( but it really really really is just as bad )

 

Ive asked him if he was sexually abused and he said no... but be was seriously and seerely teased by other children when he was younger, and his family sheltered him from most things and he was not allowed to watch movies or play cards or these things - as strict christian upbringing as you could imagine. He is no longer a Christain and neither am I, and I dont know if this means anything or not

 

His sexual history is non existant. He told me he masturbated for the first time at 15 but then he only did it once every few months and he hadnt done it since he was 23 or so ( he is now 31 ). He never had sex. He has kissed girls but in the same way he kisses me - just pecks

 

He had never had a serious girlfriend, but he did date other women sometimes and he told me that when he was 18 years old or so he was madly in love with a friend ( a girl ) that didnt love him back. But he said he got over it a year or so later and it didnt bother him anymore and he doesnt care about her anymore. I believe this as we once ran into her in public and all did did was laugh at how she got fat ( immature I know Im just saying he is not still in love with her )

 

Oh, im telling him about this very soon. I wanted to wait until after his best friends wedding I did not want him to miss that.

 

I sympathize with you for going through a sexless marriage, I have been into one for a year and a half (technically sexless). It is very lonely without having someone to touch and touch you back. It is really painful to not have the option to find someone to give you affection either. In my darkest moments I have thought of putting up a craigslist ad myself. But I am staunchly against infidelity.

 

Living like this is wrong in so many ways. It does sound psychological to the point where he has trained his body into unresponsiveness. I would also bluntly ask "Why don't you want to have sex with me." There is clearly a wanting problem. At the very least you would be affectionate with each other.

 

The strict Christian upbringing would definitely play a role in this. Somehow he has been conditioned to think of sex as bad and dirty.

 

Let's look at options:

 

1: Physiologcal: Simply cannot perform. (Why would this mean no affection?)

 

2: Gay: even still if he wasn't getting any at all from an outside source, he would probably get an erection to direct stimulus)

 

3: Addicted to masturbation: this would solidly explain why he was able to stay a virgin until and long past marriage, it would also explain the inability to get it up in front of you, sexual release would have been conditioned to different stimuli. Some chronic masturbators get turned on by the sight of a shower etc.

 

3A: He is a fetishest can possibly only be turned on in the presence of certain circumstances/ objects. Like red shoes or something like that.

 

4: Getting it on the side and not being able to sleep with one's wife: Madonna/Whore complex, is this a possibility?

 

5: Distincly lacking confidence in his member etc. This is also another possibilty, it would explain why he just couldn't perform in front of you, I have recently experienced psychological blocks during sex that stop me from being able to orgasm, it is very difficult to bond under these circumstances.

 

6: Sexual abuse, trauma like this can stop a normal sex life in 10 seconds flat.

 

I have a feeling that you will find out your answer in the next week or so, I have a feeling that there is definitely a huge secret he is keeping from you any which way it goes.

[maybe]

I can't imagine why people are getting so huffy about your "cheating" - you have not even consummated the marriage so officially it isn't even really a proper marriage. A marriage can be dissolved on the basis of non-consummation I think? In any case, of course you want to have sex! In many ways, your partner married you under false pretences - eg: he used the strict religious stuff as a way of avoiding any sex before marriage. Then, after you are married, he shows his true colours! He has behaved extremely badly in my opinion - by "trapping" you into marriage, yet not offering a proper marriage which involves a physical relationship (unless BOTH parties have agreed that this is not part of the arrangement.)

 

Why should you be taking the blame in all this? You have been put in a very akward position and your partner should be ready and willing to discuss all the options available. It should be him apologising to you, not the other way round. Most people would not have been able to put up with a sexless marriage for one month (especially not at the beginning) let alone 4 years!!

[stillafool]

Are people really married if it is not consummated? I am curious, when you two dated prior to marriage did you want sex and ask him for it? Did you ever feel an erection when you kissed and if not did you wonder why not or even talk about it? Did you have a clue that this might happen before you married your husband?

[fooled once]

Yes, the marriage is still LEGAL. I don't think there is a law that says you must have sex in order for the marriage to be legal. I could be wrong, but from a quick google search, there are certain requirements for an annulment and no sex in a marriage. And if you go that route, I believe there is a timeline from what I quickly scanned and again, and it also depends on the state you live in (if you are in the US).

[seren]

I don't condone anyone having an A, ever, the breaking of trust was the worse thing about my H's affair, not so much the sex. But you already know that. I am suprised that there have been no hormone tests, I note that someone asked about body hair growth, I am assuming this is to do with testosterone levels.

The more he feels pressured to have sex, the less he will want to and the worse you will feel (I am assuming) something is missing (intimacy as well as sex). I hope you find a good sexual health counsellor/therapist soon, so that the sexual and emotional parts of your marriage are equal. I am suprised he hasn't expanded on the 'you don't understand' comment he made to you. Did you ask what you didn't understand? Yes anti depressants can cause a lack of libido, but this has gone on longer than him taking them. I suspect hormone problems or that he may repressing his feelings, if neither I suspect he really may be gay.

 

I hope your talk goes well. For you both.

[Dexter Morgan]

I

 

It's a sad story, honestly. The husband here probably either has some trauma he is unable to face and overcome--and I do know what that is like--or there is some basic aspect of his sexuality he is unwilling to own up to

 

well if it is the former, then he is about to have more trauma bestowed upon him.

 

and if thats the case, damn, this poor guy can't win.

 

I'll say it again, I hope I would have someone of different character if something traumatic ever happened to me through no fault of my own.

[Dexter Morgan]

He is extremely depressed, and has social anxiety

 

and now he has someone that has cheated on him. what do you think thats going to do to his depression and anxiety?

 

 

People are saying the meds are causing it BUT IF YOU READ WHAT I ACTUALLY WROTE he didnt start teh meds until 2 years after this problem started so it is impossible for the meds to be a problem as the problem happened before the meds.

 

ok, thanks for the clarification. now tell us how that in any way changes that he needs help and being cheated on is going to push him back even further.

[Dexter Morgan]

I can't imagine why people are getting so huffy about your "cheating" - you have not even consummated the marriage so officially it isn't even really a proper marriage. A marriage can be dissolved on the basis of non-consummation I think?

 

I think so too, and its not too late based on this to get an annullment.

 

 

 

In any case, of course you want to have sex! In many ways, your partner married you under false pretences - eg: he used the strict religious stuff as a way of avoiding any sex before marriage. Then, after you are married, he shows his true colours! He has behaved extremely badly in my opinion - by "trapping" you into marriage, yet not offering a proper marriage which involves a physical relationship (unless BOTH parties have agreed that this is not part of the arrangement.)

 

 

congratulations!! you just described many a situation men have found themselves in when they get married and the sex then stops (and she cuts off all of her hair ta boot:rolleyes:)

 

and yet most would find fault with the man's decision to cheat in that circumstance. so why hold OP to a different standard?

 

bottom line is, if the marriage wasn't consumated and there is no sex, and no children.....then get an annullment. i mean if the guy has some sort of problem, trauma, depression...whatever the case, then being cheated on sure aint gonna help matters.

 

 

 

Why should you be taking the blame in all this?

 

because the decision to cheat is all hers. they both are responsible for the state of the marriage, and in this case, looks like he shoulders most of the responsibility, whether his problems are through his own fault or not.

 

but the decision to cheat is ALL hers.

[Stung]

 

It is up to you to decide if you want to stay in a sexless marriage. I don't understand how you "love him so much" yet were more than willing to go meet some stranger and give HIM oral sex. I mean, how does that even satisfy YOUR needs? I could see you saying you had sex with a stranger, because at least you would get your needs met; but giving a stranger a bj? Not getting how you got off from that.

 

My guess is that it gave the OP validation that a male desired her and responded to her sexually, meeting an emotional need that has been neglected, more than a physical need.

 

 

congratulations!! you just described many a situation men have found themselves in when they get married and the sex then stops (and she cuts off all of her hair ta boot:rolleyes:)

 

and yet most would find fault with the man's decision to cheat in that circumstance. so why hold OP to a different standard?

 

bottom line is, if the marriage wasn't consumated and there is no sex, and no children.....then get an annullment. i mean if the guy has some sort of problem, trauma, depression...whatever the case, then being cheated on sure aint gonna help matters.

 

 

 

but the decision to cheat is ALL hers.

 

I can't speak for anybody else, and I don't think anybody's hairstyle has any place in the discussion, but I'm not holding the OP to any different standard. If I completely denied my husband sexually for four years, dragged my feet on getting help, and refused to communicate with him about it--if he came to me and told me his needs weren't being met, and he was at the end of his rope, and I ignored him--I would not be surprised if he cheated, as I have already stated, and I wouldn't even particularly blame him, even though I would probably still be hurt.

 

IMO, that is a completely different situation than if we were just in a normal marital low patch for a few months, and having less sex than usual, and he decided to cheat to make himself feel better. Do you not see the differences?

 

I think denying another person sex and affection for years, or forever, is reprehensible. Nobody should be expected to just live forever without sex and affection because somebody else made that decision for them. If I were to decide to stop having sex with my husband but wanted to stay married to him, I would fully expect us to have to hammer out some decisions about how to negotiate an open marriage.

 

Granted, if nothing can be worked out, the ideal answer should be to remove yourself from the situation, not to break vows.

 

This marriage was never consummated, and the couple seem to live more like very friendly roommates. The husband about his sexuality in order to secure the wedding. So I do agree that ending up doing something behind her husband's back was a bad idea and a breach of trust, but in this case it seems more like breaking a promise to a friend, than betraying and undermining the whole world of a husband. Breaking a promise to a friend is bad, too, but in this case it seems like a promise she was tricked into making that she would never have made if she knew the truth behind it. Doesn't he hold some culpability in this?

 

OP, I skimmed a little bit towards the end there, but I don't think you have told your husband yet. What's going on there? How long is it until after the wedding?

 

I would be cautious about just accepting his word that he has never experienced abuse, just because his family seems nice. Many abuse survivors are in denial, and many come from nice families. The abuse could have originated outside the family--priest, scout leader, teacher, neighbor-- or from another branch/generation of the family you haven't met, or his family could simply be good at dissembling. Also, as you are still trying to get to the bottom of this for his sake if nothing else I would reschedule with a better urologist, one who specializes in or is at least open about ED, AND check his medical records to find out whether they've done hormone evaluations. He might need an endocrinologist.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

 

I can't speak for anybody else, and I don't think anybody's hairstyle has any place in the discussion, but I'm not holding the OP to any different standard. If I completely denied my husband sexually for four years, dragged my feet on getting help, and refused to communicate with him about it--if he came to me and told me his needs weren't being met, and he was at the end of his rope, and I ignored him--I would not be surprised if he cheated

 

and it doesn't "surprise" me that violence is committed against cheating spouses either......doesn't make it right. I'm not concerned with whether anyone is "surprised" that she cheated.

 

if someone has a major problem, in this case depression....what do you think some of the possible consequences would be for cheating on someone already in that state?

 

think its gonna cheer him up? ok, she is sexually neglected....we get that....but nobody is thinking of this guy and the outcome to him in an already delicate state when he finds out his wife screwed him over.

 

as I've said, if he doesn't mind that she goes out and gets hers with other men because of his problem....then all of this thread will become moot.

 

 

IMO, that is a completely different situation than if we were just in a normal marital low patch for a few months, and having less sex than usual, and he decided to cheat to make himself feel better. Do you not see the differences?

 

no, I don't. if its THAT bad, get an annullment.....don't cheat on a man that has already obviously have a big share of problems with another one about to be added.

 

 

I think denying another person sex and affection for years, or forever, is reprehensible.

 

I agree....get a divorce.

 

 

Nobody should be expected to just live forever without sex and affection because somebody else made that decision for them.

 

I agree.....get a divorce

 

 

 

If I were to decide to stop having sex with my husband but wanted to stay married to him, I would fully expect us to have to hammer out some decisions about how to negotiate an open marriage.

 

again, if when he finds out he agrees to let her mess around and wants to stay married....then this thread will be put to rest.

[eris23]

well everyone, i told him

 

 

He isnt mad at me or surprised, but he said he is a little dissapointed

 

I know this isnt goint to make a lot of sense, but he is going to let me have sex with other men.

 

Of course I thought he was just saying this because he doesnt want to lose me - and maybe it is true

 

We have had long hours of talks about this, and I am more reluuctant to do it than him, but it is true and it is going to happen.

 

I already know of someone, he doesnt want a relationship either but we have met already for sex 2 times.

 

And my husband is ok with it

 

Honestly, this may save our marriage

 

We wont fight about sex anymore..... we wont fight about me being neglected anymore

 

And we also talked about if a miracle happened and he wants to have sex again itll be just me and him again

 

I hope this works.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hun, it will only work until you discover all of the intimate feelings you have been missing for those years and start to develop an attachment to someone else.

 

Why bother staying married? Why not look at him like he is your roommate? If you guys have next to no physical contact then that is exactly what you are.

 

Would leaving at this point even feel like a breakup?

 

Why would he want an arrangement like this at all? How does this meet either of your needs?

[eris23]

Hun, it will only work until you discover all of the intimate feelings you have been missing for those years and start to develop an attachment to someone else.

 

Why bother staying married? Why not look at him like he is your roommate? If you guys have next to no physical contact then that is exactly what you are.

 

Would leaving at this point even feel like a breakup?

 

Why would he want an arrangement like this at all? How does this meet either of your needs?

 

I appreciate and understand what youre saying...

 

Why be married, I dont know...he really loves me so much. It may seem like he is gay or asexual or something, but we are so very close

 

i mean we are closer than most mrriages, and we are closer than most best friends

 

I like to talk to him over dinner at night, and I like our routines together

 

we love each other

 

It isnt meeting ANY of his needs, i know what you mean - but it does help in in one big way : we are not going to fight about this anymore

 

we do not fight about anything else really

 

I dont think i could have romantic feeligsn for someone. This guy is someone we both know, and he comes over we have sex and he leaves, we dont speak much to each other.

 

I know it isnt a very good thing, but isnt it better than just giving up completley ???

Edited November 5, 2010 by eris23

[seren]

I have profound sympathy for your husband, I simply cannot imagine any situation where I could sleep with someone other than my husband, simply because I love him. I understand what you are saying regards feeling unfullfilled, but, there are other ways of relieving sexual tension or need.

 

The cold way you are having these needs met, just seems so clinical and impersonal, I hope that you don't live to regret it.

 

I have a couple of friends who's husband's have lost the ability to make love because of disability, they have talked about the loss of the sexual side of their marriages, but would never look for that outside their marriage, simply because the hurt for their husband's would be immense.

 

I am not judging you - each to their own. But it just seems so sad, for you both.

[Silly_Girl]

I have profound sympathy for your husband, I simply cannot imagine any situation where I could sleep with someone other than my husband, simply because I love him. I understand what you are saying regards feeling unfullfilled, but, there are other ways of relieving sexual tension or need.

 

The cold way you are having these needs met, just seems so clinical and impersonal, I hope that you don't live to regret it.

 

I have a couple of friends who's husband's have lost the ability to make love because of disability, they have talked about the loss of the sexual side of their marriages, but would never look for that outside their marriage, simply because the hurt for their husband's would be immense.

 

I am not judging you - each to their own. But it just seems so sad, for you both.

 

Seren, I think these circumstances are so extreme, so different from what you or I could comprehend. There is so much rejection here... It must be hard for Eris to feel sexy, feminine, desired, confident etc.

 

Plenty of men with apparently asexual wives go out and pay to get their needs met and many people consider that to be very reasonable and a good compromise. Whether I agree or not, I see Eris's situation in a similar vein. I don't think she is cold at all. It is clear she cares for her husband and is trying desperately to find a way to survive, whilst still showing him love.

[seren]

Seren, I think these circumstances are so extreme, so different from what you or I could comprehend. There is so much rejection here... It must be hard for Eris to feel sexy, feminine, desired, confident etc.

 

Plenty of men with apparently asexual wives go out and pay to get their needs met and many people consider that to be very reasonable and a good compromise. Whether I agree or not, I see Eris's situation in a similar vein. I don't think she is cold at all. It is clear she cares for her husband and is trying desperately to find a way to survive, whilst still showing him love.

 

I don't think Eris is cold, quite the contrary, I do, however think that sex without feeling is cold to the extreme and that it can have a detrimental effect on a person's self esteem. There is nothing sexy or desirable about 2 people meeting up just for sex. I understand that it must be very hard for her, and yes people go out and pay for sex, I don't agree with that either. I don't think the reason for him not having sex has been discovered and of course that is frustrating and hurtful, for him to agree to his wife meeting someone just for sex will not help any in the long term. I wonder if a sexual health therapist has been approached and at the very least, and explanation for his lack of desire.

[eamherst14051]

I can't imagine any red blooded man saying "yes" to this at all! OMG, please tell me there are not any men out there that accept this. This is all a bad dream

[Silly_Girl]

I think it's really, really sad for both of them. But I'd rather the facts were out there between them. And better there is some communication than not.

 

Eris, how do you feel? How do you imagine you may feel in 5 years time? Or 20 years time? Is this 'it' for you, a good trade-off to meet your needs?

[You Go Girl]

Since we can't get into the mystery H's sexual mind, it's his own job to find peace within himself on the issue, and apparently he has.

If at some later date he desires some hysterical bonding, well, good for him and good for her!

I think Eris, that you should keep communication open with your H on this issue to make sure that he is ok with it and stays ok with it, since he will probably never bring up the subject himself.

He's a grown man. If he wants to be this evasive, or if he has told the simple truth in that he has zero sexual desire, then he has to live with it.

I do feel for you though Eris, because I think at some point you will have a sexual partner that will affect you emotionally, and that is when the battle within you will begin.

Even with non-emotional sex with friends, there will come a time when you will want to be held while you sleep. He is denying you this also. Sex isn't just about copulation in a loving relationship. It's about nurturing, bonding, affection, and the dual-connection of love with your mind mixed with love with your body. This is what she will still never receive, and that is sad.

[Nemicron]

Is he GAY? lol geez. Yea whats the point of even being married if you have like no actual contact with each other. I hate to admit it. But I'm the last person to think cheating is actually ok. But in your case seriously. Go and rape another guy. You have my blessing. lmao

 

You should divorce in my opinion. And I rarely say that. You both deserve to be with someone who you can be truly intimate with. I don't think cheating is ever the answer.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I am flabbergasted that the end result of all this...... Is eris talked to him and he said go get someone to have sex with...... That's it...... He has such repressed issues that there no longer is even the discussion of doing anything to change it.... And Eris is so co-dependent that she thinks he is so so so so perfect in every other way, that she wants to have sex, with absolutely no emotion or closeness and has found someone who is happy to come to their home, f*&k her and then just leave.....

 

I don't know why, but I wonder if this is a troll writing some Psych paper in University/College looking for how people respond to an uncommunicative/unmoving sympathetic figure in an untenable situation.....

[Silly_Girl]

I am flabbergasted that the end result of all this...... Is eris talked to him and he said go get someone to have sex with...... That's it...... He has such repressed issues that there no longer is even the discussion of doing anything to change it.... And Eris is so co-dependent that she thinks he is so so so so perfect in every other way, that she wants to have sex, with absolutely no emotion or closeness and has found someone who is happy to come to their home, f*&k her and then just leave.....

 

I don't know why, but I wonder if this is a troll writing some Psych paper in University/College looking for how people respond to an uncommunicative/unmoving sympathetic figure in an untenable situation.....

 

Assuming the situation is real, it's not resolved. This isn't their ending. This is just part of the journey.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Assuming the situation is real, it's not resolved. This isn't their ending. This is just part of the journey.

 

It took over 5 years of not even being touched to get to this point..... This journey at this pace will take a long, long, long, long time......