cheating in a sexless marriage

[Silly_Girl]

It took over 5 years of not even being touched to get to this point..... This journey at this pace will take a long, long, long, long time......

 

True. But this phase has happened pretty quick, in comparison. There's been some action with 3 (I think?) men very recently...

[Lecturer]

I'm now curious of it's troll-likeliness too...

 

On Oct 31 she said she would tell him soon.

 

On Nov 4 she said she had told him. So we can assume it happened sometime over those 4 days.

 

She then said she has already had sex with this other guy in 2 sessions... that is pretty f'ing rapid for someone in her/their situation if you ask me.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm now curious of it's troll-likeliness too...

 

On Oct 31 she said she would tell him soon.

 

On Nov 4 she said she had told him. So we can assume it happened sometime over those 4 days.

 

She then said she has already had sex with this other guy in 2 sessions... that is pretty f'ing rapid for someone in her/their situation if you ask me.

 

I guess once you get a taste of what you have been missing, you go crazy for it. I know I would.

[Dexter Morgan]

well everyone, i told him

 

 

He isnt mad at me or surprised, but he said he is a little dissapointed

 

I know this isnt goint to make a lot of sense, but he is going to let me have sex with other men.

 

then he has another problem that he will just have to deal with then.

 

good for you, you can now go out and have sex with other men!!!! enjoy!!

 

Honestly, this may save our marriage

 

you don't have a marriage. a guy that has such a depression problem and maybe even a medical disorder that he can't become intimate....and a wife that thinks having sex with others as a married woman is ok. no marriage whatsoever. you are just roomies sharing living expenses.

 

 

We wont fight about sex anymore..... we wont fight about me being neglected anymore

 

well...that works for you....and in the meantime, he will be all alone to deal with his problems of depression while his wife is out having sex with other men.

 

 

And we also talked about if a miracle happened and he wants to have sex again itll be just me and him again.

 

ya, sure.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

 

He isnt mad at me or surprised, but he said he is a little dissapointed

 

And we also talked about if a miracle happened and he wants to have sex again itll be just me and him again

 

I hope this works.

 

He's never had sex and certainly not with YOU!!!!!! Don't you get it??? It never was you and him......

 

Disappointed???? How???? The fact that you want sex????

[fltc]

Eris, I did read your posts and I'm concerned about this:

 

"Im not so sure these doctors did everything they could. I do know there were blood tests and prostate exams and I even saw a specialist (urologist) . This specialst really spent very little time with us, though, I kind of got the idea he didnt like dealing with ED"

 

Have you considered other doctors? Did you ask for a recommendation to someone who was willing to deal with ED?

 

I have to agree with you that they didn't do everything they could. If they didn't find a reason I think they should have referred you to someone else.

[eris23]

I'm now curious of it's troll-likeliness too...

 

On Oct 31 she said she would tell him soon.

 

On Nov 4 she said she had told him. So we can assume it happened sometime over those 4 days.

 

She then said she has already had sex with this other guy in 2 sessions... that is pretty f'ing rapid for someone in her/their situation if you ask me.

u

 

 

yeah i understand this seems fake, all i can say is that is if seems fake to you dont reply

 

but I do assure you this is all real and its really happening and this is my life

 

I am afraid my husband is only sayinig I am able to do it becasue he does not want to lose me

 

I am afraid he is going to soon get jealous and then our marraige is over

 

He seems like he is ok with it, he really does

 

I would much rather have sex with this man and keep my marriage going.

 

THe other 2 options are live without sex or get a divorce

 

I want to try

 

and whoever is saying he is having sex just not with me obviously has no idea of what im talking about. He doesnt even masturbate its a physical problem. I think if he just didnt want me and was doing someone else i think wed have other problems by now. He doesnt even go out with his friends that much we are together most of our free time

Edited November 5, 2010 by eris23

[dreamingoftigers]

u

 

 

yeah i understand this seems fake, all i can say is that is if seems fake to you dont reply

 

but I do assure you this is all real and its really happening and this is my life

 

I am afraid my husband is only sayinig I am able to do it becasue he does not want to lose me

 

I am afraid he is going to soon get jealous and then our marraige is over

 

He seems like he is ok with it, he really does

 

I would much rather have sex with this man and keep my marriage going.

 

THe other 2 options are live without sex or get a divorce

 

I want to try

 

and whoever is saying he is having sex just not with me obviously has no idea of what im talking about. He doesnt even masturbate its a physical problem. I think if he just didnt want me and was doing someone else i think wed have other problems by now. He doesnt even go out with his friends that much we are together most of our free time

 

I don't think I could stay without the lack of affection. It would also bother me extremely to not know why.

[wicar1]

I appreciate and understand what youre saying...

 

Why be married, I dont know...he really loves me so much. It may seem like he is gay or asexual or something, but we are so very close

 

i mean we are closer than most mrriages, and we are closer than most best friends

 

I like to talk to him over dinner at night, and I like our routines together

 

we love each other

 

It isnt meeting ANY of his needs, i know what you mean - but it does help in in one big way : we are not going to fight about this anymore

 

we do not fight about anything else really

 

I dont think i could have romantic feeligsn for someone. This guy is someone we both know, and he comes over we have sex and he leaves, we dont speak much to each other.

 

I know it isnt a very good thing, but isnt it better than just giving up completley ???

 

 

 

 

Well it’s good that you've talked to your H about this, yaa and he is ok with you having sex with other men.

 

"Why be married, I don’t know...he really loves me so much. It may seem like he is gay or asexual or something, but we are so very close

 

i mean we are closer than most mrriages, and we are closer than most best friends

 

I like to talk to him over dinner at night, and I like our routines together"

 

-That means you two are not marriage partners but just good friends, who happened to have paper married.

 

"we love each other" - friendship

 

"but it does help in in one big way : we are not going to fight about this anymore

 

"It isnt meeting ANY of his needs" - Yaa it isn't

 

"we do not fight about anything else really" - That is great, no fights between friends

 

"I dont think i could have romantic feeligsn for someone. " - Well I doubt it. I bet you will start having romantic feelings very soon, may be you already have. Most probably you will start building romantic feelings with the guy whom you've have chosen to have sex with. You have to trust me on this .

 

No offense but I've heard a rude saying which says,

You should never have sex with the same prostitute, coz when time goes by, either you will start having feelings for her and will treat her as your wife or she might treat you as her husband.... and yes I've seen it happening in real world, one of my friends is an example.

 

Anyway you are not helping him with this !!! You've not found a solution but just opened another door for more problems.

 

"I know it isn’t a very good thing" - yaa and you know it.

 

Well as far as I know, you better divorce him maintain a good friendship with your him if not sooner or later this will destroy your friendship with him ( your H).

 

Good luck anyway !!

Edited November 5, 2010 by wicar1

[eris23]

I have decided I am not going to live without physical intimacy.

 

It happened for the 3d time tonight and I still feel the same way, it is like the last ditch effort

 

1. I will not live without sex anymore

 

2. My husband does not want a divorce, and i love him too much to make him leave

 

Im going to be my husbands friend and make him dinner and be there for him, and Im going to have passion with someone else

 

I could make him leave and lose him forever, but I just wonder if he would rather do this.

 

Its like the last resort, if he cant handle this Im leaving for good.

 

I HAVE TO AT LEAST TRY TO MAKE THIS WORK !

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Obviously the OP has no intention of trying to understand or do anything constructive about this (if true) sad sad sad situation.....

[dreamingoftigers]

I have decided I am not going to live without physical intimacy.

 

It happened for the 3d time tonight and I still feel the same way, it is like the last ditch effort

 

1. I will not live without sex anymore

 

2. My husband does not want a divorce, and i love him too much to make him leave

 

Im going to be my husbands friend and make him dinner and be there for him, and Im going to have passion with someone else

 

I could make him leave and lose him forever, but I just wonder if he would rather do this.

 

Its like the last resort, if he cant handle this Im leaving for good.

 

I HAVE TO AT LEAST TRY TO MAKE THIS WORK !

 

Eris, can you not see that your tone towards him has changed already? You are already saying that you will "be his friend" and you are going to have "passion with someone else." This sounds so typically like the other adulterous relationships on this board. This no longer sounds like someone is being a sexual surrogate.

 

Once you start having sex with someone, different feelings arise (like passion) and you start to bond with them, whether you like them or not. It doesn't mean you respect them or anything, or that you are going to ride off into the sunset together. It does mean that an adulterous relationship colours your attitude towards your spouse.

 

This is an escape for the problem that still remains: your husband's lack of affection and sexual arousal. You would also need to find out why you tolerated this for so long. It is something other than the fact that you love(d) him. Four years is a bit beyond love to not be cuddling or kissing. Your husband may not be able to sexually function but to not be physically close is the portion that really makes me wonder.

 

Whether or not you get your answer, this seems like an exit affair, even though the marriage was never consummated. The foundation here is completely unstable and you will want to leave soon enough once you realize that you are only having half of a relationship.

[You Go Girl]

Whether or not you get your answer, this seems like an exit affair, even though the marriage was never consummated. The foundation here is completely unstable and you will want to leave soon enough once you realize that you are only having half of a relationship.

 

And this is definitely one of those situations in which two halves don't make a whole.

[eris23]

Obviously the OP has no intention of trying to understand or do anything constructive about this (if true) sad sad sad situation.....

 

I know what you mean

 

but Ive tried it all...he wont budge

 

I agree the marriage is probably over but Im going to at least try

 

I have to try, right ?

 

He seems so ok with it....IDK

 

And my attitude is changing but in a few ways

 

I still LOVE my husband so much it hurts....

Edited November 6, 2010 by eris23

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I know what you mean

 

but Ive tried it all...he wont budge

I agree the marriage is probably over but Im going to at least try

 

I have to try, right ?

 

He seems so ok with it....IDK

 

And my attitude is changing but in a few ways

 

I still LOVE my husband so much it hurts....

 

That pretty much says it all.... Now a question..... If he finally did come clean, admit he is gay (and nothing at all wrong with that), would you then divorce him????

[fooled once]

So where is your H when this other guy comes over to have sex with you? Is he in the house? Does he know when you are meeting up with this guy? Does he answer the door when the guy comes over?

 

Are you practicing safe sex?

[eris23]

So where is your H when this other guy comes over to have sex with you? Is he in the house? Does he know when you are meeting up with this guy? Does he answer the door when the guy comes over?

 

Are you practicing safe sex?

 

its safe sex. my husband goes out to friends and his parents house

 

I mentioned divorce, honestly thought that is what would happen

 

he wont go. he made me promise not to leave him. i talked to him for half hour on the phone tonight. He tells me that I cant leave him, i wont.

 

I couldnt just up and dissapear on him, it kill him

 

amd i want to still live with him

[dreamingoftigers]

its safe sex. my husband goes out to friends and his parents house

 

I mentioned divorce, honestly thought that is what would happen

 

he wont go. he made me promise not to leave him. i talked to him for half hour on the phone tonight. He tells me that I cant leave him, i wont.

 

I couldnt just up and dissapear on him, it kill him

 

amd i want to still live with him

 

Eris, what is it that he wants from your relationship?

 

Does he have any friends/social life?

 

Does he have a fear of abandonment?

[wicar1]

That's good you've worked things with your husband.... but?? What makes me wonder is he wants from your relationship?

 

No offense....but is he trying to show everyone else that he is leading a normal life.... is he a terrorist .... or a serial killer planning something big...... lol ...just kidding...

 

Anyway good luck...hope things will work out as you wish....

[SoulStorm]

Your husband sounds as if he has low T (testosterone) and it affects his sex drive.

 

He also sounds co-dependent and does not like being alone.

 

Sadly you cannot do without physical intimacy. You could have chosen to pleasure yourself rather than having to have another male be physically intrusive to you.

I would speculate that you have already threw the kill switch on your marriage. You are already gone from it.

 

You did not try everything. Everything would have been NOT including a third party to meet your own self gratifying need for physical sex. The part of forsaking all others in your vows has been violated. You could not. You could not sacrifice your need for physical intimacy and stay true to your husband.

He gave you the "ok" to keep you. This man is probably hiding the hurt from you so you will stay.

However..you are already gone. If you can continue to do this to fulfill your own need..then you are gone already.

 

You are saying things like "I still want to live with him" out of guilt. You know it's wrong and no matter how much you try to justify it by blaming it own his low sex drive, ultimately it is you who could not contain yourself.

 

How long do you think this will last? I believe you are already counting the days. Deep down..you know it's over.

[eris23]

I am going to respond to the last few replies. Thank you all for being so supportive. I honestly cant beliee some of the responses on here. I mean I cant believe you all care so much. I evn appreaciate the harsh comments...it is like I know I am wrong, I know it

 

I woke up and I realized I coulndt live without touching a man. I couldnt do anymore. I was honestly starting to get a little perverted in away where I would think about sex all the time and constantly daydream about actually getting to have sex

 

I know this is wrong, but I thought basically that Im going to cheat on him but he cheated on me by tricking me into thinking he just wanted to stay pure until marriage.

 

When we got married it was bad. I was ok till like day 11 or 12 and basically i figured out it wasnt going to happen. But he begged me to stay, cried on his knees

 

And I love him so much, it is too close of a relationship I think

 

I do know it is over, but divorce is going to be so hard, im going to have to find a better job. But mostly i think this is going to kill him

 

Im afraid im going to ruin hus life if i leave him, and I think I am content with living a life with him but also having a friend to be passionate with

 

It is like Im giving it one last try before I have to leave him and break his heart

 

I know I already broke his heart, but he broke my heart too.

 

I can live without intercourse but I cannot live without kissing and being touched

 

i guess im just going to have to see what happens in the next few weeks or whatever

[SoulStorm]

I think I am content with living a life with him but also having a friend to be passionate with

 

 

 

Those first 2 words "I think" already say you are not content.

Don't keep fooling yourself. It is only a matter of time before it's truly over

 

I know I already broke his heart, but he broke my heart too.

 

 

So it's tit for tat? He broke your heart by not having sex with you, so you break his by having sex with someone else?

 

That makes about as much sense a two legged elephant. There is no justification. Just admit that you need to be selfish. At least you can be honest with yourself.

Edited November 8, 2010 by SoulStorm

[dreamingoftigers]

I am going to respond to the last few replies. Thank you all for being so supportive. I honestly cant beliee some of the responses on here. I mean I cant believe you all care so much. I evn appreaciate the harsh comments...it is like I know I am wrong, I know it

 

I woke up and I realized I coulndt live without touching a man. I couldnt do anymore. I was honestly starting to get a little perverted in away where I would think about sex all the time and constantly daydream about actually getting to have sex

 

I understand this because this is how it was when my husband withheld sex from me.

 

I know this is wrong, but I thought basically that Im going to cheat on him but he cheated on me by tricking me into thinking he just wanted to stay pure until marriage.

 

This is a justification.

 

When we got married it was bad. I was ok till like day 11 or 12 and basically i figured out it wasnt going to happen. But he begged me to stay, cried on his knees

 

And I love him so much, it is too close of a relationship I think

 

I do know it is over, but divorce is going to be so hard, im going to have to find a better job. But mostly i think this is going to kill him

 

Being affectionate wouldn't have killed him and he made that choice.

 

Im afraid im going to ruin hus life if i leave him, and I think I am content with living a life with him but also having a friend to be passionate with

 

Are you and he truly happy? Do you not feel that something is missing by not being able to be affectionate with your own husband? It will not work out to compatmentalize these feelings: I "love" this one and "[makelove]" with that one.

 

It is like Im giving it one last try before I have to leave him and break his heart

 

I think perhaps an ultimatum would be more appropriate: "I refuse to live like this anymore, we need to either comprimise with a solution we can both handle or we need to move on to more compatible relationships. If there is something unworkable with me, I NEED to know."

 

I know I already broke his heart, but he broke my heart too.

 

Two wrongs....

 

I can live without intercourse but I cannot live without kissing and being touched

 

I really have no idea why this person married someone he is not interested in touching. Has he ever cleared this up with you?

 

 

i guess im just going to have to see what happens in the next few weeks or whatever

 

DO NOT stand idly by, you will never get the results you want if you do. Make a decision to commit until you cannot do anything more and then leave, or just leave. Being on the fence will gain you nothing in the end but lost time.

 

 

10 characters, how the heck do you multi-quote?

[eris23]

Yes, I agree with what both of you are saying

 

 

I think perhaps an ultimatum would be more appropriate: "I refuse to live like this anymore, we need to either comprimise with a solution we can both handle or we need to move on to more compatible relationships. If there is something unworkable with me, I NEED to know."

 

 

I did this.

 

He wants me to see this guy. He says he knows i have need that should be met. I m afraid he is only saying this because he doesnt want me to leave him. he seems ok, i dont know what he is really thinking

 

i dont know if leaving him would be better or living like this would be better

 

He doesnt want to touch me because he is depressed. I dont mean sad I mean mentally ill. He is very depressed. he has friends and talks to thm often but does not want to go out often. He goes to work and comes home. And we hang out. Thats all we do

 

And I go get kisses and hugs. Dont get me wrong.. He kisses me , closed mouth, sometimes on the cheek sometimes on the lips. once. he may do this once or twice a day

 

He comes up to me and hugs me sometimes, He may hug me for a minute or two, and may kiss me on the cheek

 

 

thats it. 4 years

 

and living without it made me a pervert. And I couldnt control myself.

Edited November 8, 2010 by eris23

[SoulStorm]

And I couldnt control myself.

 

 

This is not a true statement. You could control yourself..you just refuse to do it because you felt "entitled".

But ask yourself what will your entitlement prove in the long run.

 

It would have been better to divorce him.

You have turned him into a cuckold. Whether he asked you to do it or not, have the respect to let him go than to allow him to let you disrespect him.

 

he is only doing it because he is depressed and he doesn't want to be alone.

 

Either way..along with the depression and your infidelity..he is already dead..at least spiritually.