cheating in a sexless marriage

[You Go Girl]

and living without it made me a pervert. And I couldnt control myself.

 

Nonsense. No self pity-party, no self-stoning judgment.

 

4 years...you're practically a saint. I would have recommended you for sainthood, but you chose at the last minute to get some affection. I'm teasing you!

 

He has for the time being, said that he is ok with the current arrangement. So, go with it.

If at a later date, he isn't ok with it, then you re-evaluate.

Ask him every so often, more in this new stage, almost daily, and later, if this keeps up weekly.

I suppose any arrangement possible can happen in this life. Yours is certainly unusual. But that in itself doesn't mean that it won't succeed. I do admit I think it won't succeed, because I think that you will want a partner to love and to have sex with eventually. Not separately, but both those things in the same person.

However, stranger things have happened I'm sure, than your arrangement. So as long as you both are ok with it, and everybody is getting their needs met, no harm done.

Time will tell....

[eris23]

yea....i can see that too

 

Things are actually starting to gt back to normal. I dont love him like I should but I love him to much to hurt him and leave. ive got to try

 

 

ill keep you guys updated

[lenny]

There are so many things in this whole story that just haven't made sense to me. I've been off and on following it since you first started it and must admit before posting I didn't read all 11 pages but I did read every one of Erin's posts.

 

At the pit of my stomach I just feel you went the wrong way with this. I really feel for you and have no idea how you've coped through this and as well I commend you for surviving up to the craigslist point.

 

The couple things that confuse me are as follows:

 

1. You have no doubts about his absolute love of you and you worry that he can't get by without you (and I assume he is worried about this too since he agreed to the current arrangement) but ... he has never even slept in the same bed as you? If he wasn't able to engage in intercourse himself, he couldn't have held, stroked and kissed you as you pleased yourself or better yet manned the toys? He can't even bring himself to faking his way through a hot and heavy kiss? And this is after you've talked to him about needing this contact.

 

2. He has offered to please you orally but you refused it as it was done in anger yet you posted on craiglist in anger? If you were going to do something as rash as that I would think the easier to go to him in desparation with a "Eat me now!" mad or not rather than giving some anonymous guy a bj.

 

The current path you guys are down I so feel is not one the marriage can survive (and I don't think you think it can either) but I really don't think it needed to come to this.

 

For one thing, I think this has gone on for way to long - should have probably been addressed within the first year. If he was not able to perform for you sexually but loved you enough it would have been taken care of. Even if you guys chose a surrogate man to fulfill this lack, there's no reason he couldn't be in the room with you being the one stroking your hair, kissing you and gazing deeply in your eyes while the penis did his work.

 

This really is such a sad, sad set of circumstances!

[112233]

We have been married 4 years and never had sex, never french kissed, and never slept in the same bed.

 

So is this even a legal marriage?

[Dexter Morgan]

I have decided I am not going to live without physical intimacy.

 

It happened for the 3d time tonight and I still feel the same way, it is like the last ditch effort

 

1. I will not live without sex anymore

 

2. My husband does not want a divorce, and i love him too much to make him leave

 

Im going to be my husbands friend and make him dinner and be there for him, and Im going to have passion with someone else

 

I could make him leave and lose him forever, but I just wonder if he would rather do this.

 

Its like the last resort, if he cant handle this Im leaving for good.

 

I HAVE TO AT LEAST TRY TO MAKE THIS WORK !

 

Ok. Its settled then! Thread over.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am going to respond to the last few replies. Thank you all for being so supportive. I honestly cant beliee some of the responses on here. I mean I cant believe you all care so much. I evn appreaciate the harsh comments...it is like I know I am wrong, I know it

 

I woke up and I realized I coulndt live without touching a man. I couldnt do anymore. I was honestly starting to get a little perverted in away where I would think about sex all the time and constantly daydream about actually getting to have sex

 

I know this is wrong, but I thought basically that Im going to cheat on him but he cheated on me by tricking me into thinking he just wanted to stay pure until marriage.

 

When we got married it was bad. I was ok till like day 11 or 12 and basically i figured out it wasnt going to happen. But he begged me to stay, cried on his knees

 

And I love him so much, it is too close of a relationship I think

 

I do know it is over, but divorce is going to be so hard, im going to have to find a better job. But mostly i think this is going to kill him

 

Im afraid im going to ruin hus life if i leave him, and I think I am content with living a life with him but also having a friend to be passionate with

 

It is like Im giving it one last try before I have to leave him and break his heart

 

I know I already broke his heart, but he broke my heart too.

 

I can live without intercourse but I cannot live without kissing and being touched

 

i guess im just going to have to see what happens in the next few weeks or whatever

 

something tells me the husband has a really good retirement or investment portfolio.

[eris23]

The thread will continute despite your negative feelings toward me

 

And No, There is NO money. we are BOTH teachers

[imagine]

I lecture at a college and sadly endorse your last statement concerning teacher salaries.

[112233]

Seriously, why are you married and ... are you really? If you never had sex I'm pretty sure you're not married.

[delirious]

Do you know what, I don't think this has been mentioned. Your husband may not be gay, he may be impotent and unable to address the issue. I know a couple who totally live like that. Lots of marriages are sexless, but usually after many years. But my guess is that he is actually impotent and is too scared to face it. A possible?? Either way he needs to see a doctor or someone about it for your sake.

[delirious]

I guess once you get a taste of what you have been missing, you go crazy for it. I know I would.

 

AND here we are, the reason why lots of MM find OW. They put up with sexless marriages for years and then WHAM realise what was missing. We all need love and affection - not just sex.

 

I don't know why but it is so shocking the other way around.

[dreamingoftigers]

AND here we are, the reason why lots of MM find OW. They put up with sexless marriages for years and then WHAM realise what was missing. We all need love and affection - not just sex.

 

I don't know why but it is so shocking the other way around.

 

I put up with a sexless marriage for awhile and it was very emotionally draining and hurtful, nonetheless cheating is bull****. It is shocking, but it is also expected at this point. Think about it, as humans we develop attachments to what gives us sexual pleasure. In the case of some men, it is simply "new" and "different" women. In Eris' case her husband isn't and now she has opened the door for other men to do so. She will go crazy on it for awhile.

 

If a MM misses those feelings, he is under moral and ethical obligation to do whatever he can possibly do to revive the marriage and then if all else fails, leave to pursue those options with someone else. Never lower your dignity to suit your mood.

[Chi townD]

Wow, okay! That's 11 pages I really didn't need to read. I normally never post unless I have something to say.

 

Your marriage is over. You say that you love him, he's your best friend, you cook for him but you cuckold him.

 

Do you think his heart is breaking when you walk out the door to get laid. You don't think that he is utterly torn and losing his mind KNOWING that your out being intimate with someone you didn't promise your heart, body and soul too?

 

You say that he visits friends or goes to his family? YOU KICK HIM OUT OF HIS HOUSE AND BRING ANOTHER MAN INTO THE MARITAL BED?!?! How do you even bring it up? " Honey I love you, but you need to leave because 'Johnny' is coming over to give it to me."

 

This man is SEVERELY depressed, and you've lost all respect for him. You aren't saving your marriage. You are throwing gas on it in a match factory. Mark my words, pretty soon his is going to start to resent you. While you're gone on one of your tryst or....you kick him out of the house because your going to get intimate with someone else...he's gonna start thinking that the pain you're causing him isn't worth it. Then again, he may start to think he isn't worth it because he can't satisfy a woman and in his depressed state.......I don't even want to think about it.

 

Have mercy on him and cut him loose. He needs to find out the problems he's having and get well, and then your free to continue to do what you want to do AS A SINGLE WOMAN!

[Bryanp]

You tell your husband to go to a friend's house and then you invite your lover to come over and have sex in your home? This is the ultimate in disrespect and humiliation to your husband. Do you really have to have sex in your home? How can you not see how wrong this is?

[Green]

Are you FAT? is that why you think you can not get another man in a real relationship?

 

All I hear is some one playing the victim. "He told me we would have sex" "I'm getting older and hornier" "I wasn't getting sex and twighlight gets me horny"

 

Twighlight is BS its a story about a plain looking girl who has every one in the town lusting after her.

 

Seriously BE HONEST and LEAVE him. You don't have to tell him about the Craigslist thing just say "It isn't working out you made promises about how this mariage was going to be" YOu might be able to get the mariage anulled...

 

Good luck, Don't cheat, or be dishonest. Seriously it would be easy to just Blame my gf for some rand sht like Lack of sex and just cheat. But I'm honest not for other people but for MYSELF because by being honest I RESPECT MYSELF and comand the same treatment. And if some one lies thats a refelction of their character

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Wow, okay! That's 11 pages I really didn't need to read. I normally never post unless I have something to say.

 

Your marriage is over. You say that you love him, he's your best friend, you cook for him but you cuckold him.

 

Do you think his heart is breaking when you walk out the door to get laid. You don't think that he is utterly torn and losing his mind KNOWING that your out being intimate with someone you didn't promise your heart, body and soul too?

 

You say that he visits friends or goes to his family? YOU KICK HIM OUT OF HIS HOUSE AND BRING ANOTHER MAN INTO THE MARITAL BED?!?! How do you even bring it up? " Honey I love you, but you need to leave because 'Johnny' is coming over to give it to me."

 

This man is SEVERELY depressed, and you've lost all respect for him. You aren't saving your marriage. You are throwing gas on it in a match factory. Mark my words, pretty soon his is going to start to resent you. While you're gone on one of your tryst or....you kick him out of the house because your going to get intimate with someone else...he's gonna start thinking that the pain you're causing him isn't worth it. Then again, he may start to think he isn't worth it because he can't satisfy a woman and in his depressed state.......I don't even want to think about it.

 

Have mercy on him and cut him loose. He needs to find out the problems he's having and get well, and then your free to continue to do what you want to do AS A SINGLE WOMAN!

 

They've never slept in the same bed..... They are not and never have been close to intimate. He lied saying they would be once they got married.

 

Why would his heart break if he doesn't even want to kiss or hug her, if she goes out and has sex? Really and I'm the last one to say it...... What spouse would deny their partner of a hobby or activity that made them happy, that they had absolutely no interest, want or made the minimal effort to try..... yet would put their foot down and say no the spouse is absolutely not allowed to do it.

[Chi townD]

They've never slept in the same bed..... They are not and never have been close to intimate. He lied saying they would be once they got married.

 

Why would his heart break if he doesn't even want to kiss or hug her, if she goes out and has sex? Really and I'm the last one to say it...... What spouse would deny their partner of a hobby or activity that made them happy, that they had absolutely no interest, want or made the minimal effort to try..... yet would put their foot down and say no the spouse is absolutely not allowed to do it.

 

Then why stay in a marriage? You stay married to someone because you love them. So, yes, I believe he does love her but there is something wrong with him. Perphaps is somethinig in his past that is deep seeded. A strict relgious upbringing that taught him that something as beautiful as sex should be frowned upon, maybe he was abused...I'm just throwing ideas out there.

By the way, I never looked at sex as a hobby. Ive always looked at it as a an intimate way to communicate and connect with someone you love. I believe that what the OP is doing is disrepectful, selfish and cruel.

The husband maybe telling her that he's okay with it and may act like he doesn't care for fear of loosing her. But soon, that fear will go away. What's next, she was messing around on Craigs list, now she having sex with his knowledge. Is she gonna have him watch next time to see if that sparks and interest in him? All in the name of saving this marriage!!!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Then why stay in a marriage? You stay married to someone because you love them. So, yes, I believe he does love her but there is something wrong with him. Perphaps is somethinig in his past that is deep seeded. A strict relgious upbringing that taught him that something as beautiful as sex should be frowned upon, maybe he was abused...I'm just throwing ideas out there.

By the way, I never looked at sex as a hobby. Ive always looked at it as a an intimate way to communicate and connect with someone you love. I believe that what the OP is doing is disrepectful, selfish and cruel.

The husband maybe telling her that he's okay with it and may act like he doesn't care for fear of loosing her. But soon, that fear will go away. What's next, she was messing around on Craigs list, now she having sex with his knowledge. Is she gonna have him watch next time to see if that sparks and interest in him? All in the name of saving this marriage!!!

 

That is why this thread is so so so so stupid...... They may actually deserve each other theyu are so dense and stoopid not knowing what to do and how to address the problem.... I earlier claimed this was a spammer and could not actually be a real life situation.....

[Chi townD]

That is why this thread is so so so so stupid...... They may actually deserve each other theyu are so dense and stoopid not knowing what to do and how to address the problem.... I earlier claimed this was a spammer and could not actually be a real life situation.....

 

 

I agree, it's possible. Reads Like a bad soap opera, but if it isn't. Totally screwed up on both ends but I believe that the OP just made it ten times worse. Actually I believe that the marriage is over, they just don't know it yet. They're at a stage now where all they're doing is hurting each other.

[Darth Vader]

I appreciate and understand what youre saying...

 

Why be married, I dont know...he really loves me so much. It may seem like he is gay or asexual or something, but we are so very close

 

i mean we are closer than most mrriages, and we are closer than most best friends

 

I like to talk to him over dinner at night, and I like our routines together

 

we love each other

 

It isnt meeting ANY of his needs, i know what you mean - but it does help in in one big way : we are not going to fight about this anymore

 

we do not fight about anything else really

 

I dont think i could have romantic feeligsn for someone. This guy is someone we both know, and he comes over we have sex and he leaves, we dont speak much to each other.

 

I know it isnt a very good thing, but isnt it better than just giving up completley ???

 

 

I was going to ask you could your husband feel resentful towards you having premaritial sex while he had to wait til marriage (by living in such a strict home life)? This can be a main source of resentment.

 

Secondly, why are you screwing this man in yours and your husbands home? Third, are you screwing this OM in your husbands bed, where he has to sleep at night? Fourth, how do you know your husband hasn't heard you orgasming with your OM?

 

Lastly, are your mind blowing orgasms while you Ride your other man worth hurting your husband, even if your husband says it's ok for you to do this? You realize this isn't Okay with your husband by any means, (and I'm not even mentioning God either)?!

 

Be honest with us about this. Somehow I think you came here just looking for approval to screw around on poor hubby, that's my take on it though.

Edited November 13, 2010 by Darth Vader

[Darth Vader]

I was going to ask you could your husband feel resentful towards you having premaritial sex while he had to wait til marriage (by living in such a strict home life)? This can be a main source of resentment.

 

Secondly, why are you screwing this man in yours and your husbands home? Third, are you screwing this OM in your husbands bed, where he has to sleep at night? Fourth, how do you know your husband hasn't heard you orgasming with your OM?

 

Lastly, are your mind blowing orgasms while you Ride your other man worth hurting your husband, even if your husband says it's ok for you to do this? You realize this isn't Okay with your husband by any means, (and I'm not even mentioning God either)?!

 

Be honest with us about this. Somehow I think you came here just looking for approval to screw around on poor hubby, that's my take on it though.

 

 

Something to add to this, you say that he was in a very strict religous family. Somehow, I think his family may have had your husband fixed permanantly because of him relieving himself(if he were caught). I remember seeing a Law and Order show a few years back, well, there was a man who abused and/or raped women, well after he died, his wife took their son to get him fixed, her logic was so he wouldn't be a monster like his father, but it was a botched job, resulting in him not being able to have an erection. This would be shameful for your husband to talk about. Enough so you wouldn't understand. I have a feeling that this is what the problem is. I'm surprised that you haven't taken him to a doctor to have him examined for signs of surgery in that area. It's not his fault this happened to him. What you're doing is still cheating.

 

Too bad you didn't wait just a little longer before you rode another man!

Edited November 14, 2010 by Darth Vader