cheating in a sexless marriage

[Trojan John]

Only religion can take a natural biological function and make you feel guilty about it. What an effective control mechanism.

 

The only hell you are going to is the one you create for yourself.

 

The sooner you speak to your husband openly and honestly, the sooner your problems can be resolved -- whether it's divorce or whatever.

 

P.S. Always test drive before you buy.

[Silly_Girl]

Eris, feel some guilt, beat yourself up if need be - because that will help create the energy you need to spur you on. You will cheat more in future, and you'll also probably one day accidentally meet a nice guy (NOT on Craigs list!!) who can meet your needs better than your husband can. So far you've dipped your toe in the water - you're going to be swimming in that ocean before long. I don't fancy that idea much - do you?

 

Your husband possibly didn't deceive you, maybe HE believed all would be well, and he likely WANTED everything to be well. But he let you down when it was clear things were not as they should be in marriage and wouldn't discuss it or work on an action plan with you.

 

Have you spoken to him yet? Will you? If so, when?

[eris23]

Eris, feel some guilt, beat yourself up if need be - because that will help create the energy you need to spur you on. You will cheat more in future, and you'll also probably one day accidentally meet a nice guy (NOT on Craigs list!!) who can meet your needs better than your husband can. So far you've dipped your toe in the water - you're going to be swimming in that ocean before long. I don't fancy that idea much - do you?

 

Your husband possibly didn't deceive you, maybe HE believed all would be well, and he likely WANTED everything to be well. But he let you down when it was clear things were not as they should be in marriage and wouldn't discuss it or work on an action plan with you.

 

Have you spoken to him yet? Will you? If so, when?

 

I made a therapist appointment on monday, this is the soonest I can get

 

Im going to tell him everything at the appointment

 

Ive decided to tell him we need to seperate, and he needs to take some time to figure out what exacty he wants to do about this once and for all.

 

Honestly, im going to tell him that we can be together if one of these 2 things happen

 

1. we become intimate with each other ( it doesnt have to be intercourse if he cant get it up )

 

or

 

2. I am allowed to have NSA sex with one man. I really honestly wont fall for this dude, as I kind of find the whole idea of this revolting yet extremely erotic

 

 

I guess the truth hurts, and the truth is that even if I never cheat on him again Ill think about it all the time, and that is just as bad as actually doing it

 

I need to have sex, or im gonna die :S

 

Everyone says we are incompatible, and we are

 

but know this.....he loves me HE REALLY LOVES ME. I have NEVER doubted this, we have been though hell together.

 

 

Oh, and I dont think im going to hell....

 

Im just going THROUGH hell

 

 

 

 

 

[Silly_Girl]

That sounds like a good plan. Keep strong.

 

And no, you're not going to hell.

[LiveWell]

Actually while I'm generally pretty critical of infidelity this is one of those rare cases where I simply can't be.

 

To me if there has been no sex at all in the marriage it's a sham marriage.

 

Sexual relations between spouses is part of marriage even according to the Bible.

 

I don't know why your h deceived you into this marriage, but there's no other way of looking at it. It's perfectly fine if he wants to be celibate, that's what holy orders are for, not marriage.

 

Aside from your worries about infidelity and lack of sex, which are obviously something that needs to be addressed, there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with your husband.

 

And by "seriously wrong" I don't mean "gay." I don't know if anyone has suggested whether or not he might be a pedophile, but I wouldn't be surprised at all.

 

He sounds just that sick.

 

If I were you, no matter how much you think you love this guy, what you have is not a marriage, and he lied to get you into it.

 

You should get it annulled.

[LiveWell]

Ive loved this man over four years, i just cant stop loving him. i dont want to let him go

 

But he doesn't love you.

 

Let him go.

 

You will never be able to have children with this man. You can never trust this man. He took advantage of your innocence and piety to deceive you into a sham marriage, for his own purposes, which he won't disclose to you, and therefore which must be evil purposes.

[jmargel]

Depression and being on anti-depression meds is probably the reason he feels this way. I was on Paxil a few years ago and it destroyed my sex drive entirely. For a whole year I did not even want to think about sex, the times I really forced myself to (just to see if it still works) I was able to only once and it didn't even feel right.

 

Once I got off those meds everything came back to normal after a few months. If he is depressed, how long has he been on these meds? Good chance it's time for a change of that medication.

 

My wife is on anti-depressants and her sex drive is awful. The paxil made me feel like a zombie, it surpressed all the bad emotions that I was feeling and when I got off of them I became suicidal. It wasn't until my body was cleaned of the meds and got through the emotional issues that I was able to function again.

 

Maybe he had a bad childhood? Sexually molested? If he is saying 'You don't understand how I feel' then he is indirectly telling you that something has happened in his past that he has not yet told you. You can't push it out of him, it's something he needs to tell you on his own. He's not trying to punish you by withholding sex. Whatever he thought marriage would cure in regards to his bad past, hasn't.. Therefore he hasn't been able to give you sex.

 

Don't put him on any conditions on leaving/taking him back. I often adovcate telling your spouse when you cheat, however at this point don't. His mental stability could snap if you told him this. Go see the therapist and ASK him (don't force him) to come. Encourage him to see the therapist by himself.

 

I just get the feeling that something really bad happened to him in his earlier years that is causing this.

[goingstrong]

Well first I would address the 800 lb gorilla in the room. You husband sounds like he is not sure of his sexuality and is gay. With that being said, then a marriage to a heterosexual woman that expects to have a typical husband/wife marriage that includes physical intimacy is not going to work...period. Time to cut your loses and move on.

[michelangelo]

His selfishness is extremely cruel.

 

Actually while I'm generally pretty critical of infidelity this is one of those rare cases where I simply can't be.

 

To me if there has been no sex at all in the marriage it's a sham marriage.

 

Sexual relations between spouses is part of marriage even according to the Bible.

 

I don't know why your h deceived you into this marriage, but there's no other way of looking at it. It's perfectly fine if he wants to be celibate, that's what holy orders are for, not marriage.

 

Aside from your worries about infidelity and lack of sex, which are obviously something that needs to be addressed, there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with your husband.

 

And by "seriously wrong" I don't mean "gay." I don't know if anyone has suggested whether or not he might be a pedophile, but I wouldn't be surprised at all.

 

He sounds just that sick.

 

If I were you, no matter how much you think you love this guy, what you have is not a marriage, and he lied to get you into it.

 

You should get it annulled.

[BB07]

My 1st thought when I read the OP's post is why the hell would you stay with someone for 4 years in a situation like that??? Things were already to hell in a handbasket and you just made it worse for yourself.

 

Just pack up and get out, you've got no future with that man and please spare me the "I love him sooo much". Why......why would you love a man who gives you so little?? That isn't love........nor is giving some guy oral.

 

Get yourself out of your self imposed hell on earth and find a man who is normal, obviously your husband is not and if you stay and live that kind of life I gotta ask what is wrong with you?

[scatterd]

I know you said he has been to the doctor but did they check his testosterone levels is he impadent but ashamed to talk about it Have you tried counseling?I hope all will be better and you both will be happy good luck!ps how do you spell impadent/

Edited October 27, 2010 by scatterd

[Dexter Morgan]

He could be gay, I guess. But the fact that he doesnt get morning wood makes me think it is just depression that he reuses to adress

 

Im finding a therapist - today !

 

so rather than initially trying to help him, your solution was to cheat.

 

wow, if I ever have a problem, whether depression or medical, I hope I am with someone who will stand by me and try to help me first.

[Dexter Morgan]

I made a therapist appointment on monday, this is the soonest I can get

 

Im going to tell him everything at the appointment

 

how horrid.

 

you tell him before you go. Only reason you'd wait to tell him at the appointment is because you probably feel the therapist will sympathize with you, and you won't be alone.

 

I guarantee you, he will be hearing this, and sitting there feeling ganged up on.

 

you had the guts to cheat, have the guts to tell him face to face without the humility of finding out in front of a total stranger.

 

 

Ive decided to tell him we need to seperate, and he needs to take some time to figure out what exacty he wants to do about this once and for all.

 

Honestly, im going to tell him that we can be together if one of these 2 things happen

 

1. we become intimate with each other ( it doesnt have to be intercourse if he cant get it up )

 

or

 

2. I am allowed to have NSA sex with one man. I really honestly wont fall for this dude, as I kind of find the whole idea of this revolting yet extremely erotic

 

ok, #2 is a ridiculous option, unless he truly doesn't give a crap.

 

and if he does #1, hey, that works for you right? But now you are a cheater...what are you prepared to do to make up your betrayal to him if he changes on his end?

 

 

I need to have sex, or im gonna die :S

 

Everyone says we are incompatible, and we are

 

then cheese and rice....GET A DIVORCE!! Spare the poor guy.

 

 

but know this.....he loves me HE REALLY LOVES ME. I have NEVER doubted this, we have been though hell together.

 

all the more reason to let him go

[Lecturer]

Eris, unfortunately a lot of advice in this thread is pretty poor - it is based on emotions (people's pain from being cheated on) rather than logic, and thus it is focusing on the wrong parts of your problem. Also, please don't let yourself be judged by people that simply cannot judge you fairly (ie: a rape trial would never be decided by a jury of rape victims).

 

First, your husband is most likely asexual. There are some people, men and women, who - for various reasons - have zero interest in sex. They still desire companionship, but they never feel any sort of sexual desire for another person. Some asexual people are happy with who they are and do not desire to change. Others see it is an obstacle to a healthy life, and are willing to seek medical help.

 

You said your husband doesn't get morning erections, which makes it sound like this is physiologically based. I'm surprised you said that doctors have found nothing physically wrong, because this INDICATES it is physical based on the common medical test...

 

The typical medical test for male sexual dysfunction is to apply a ring-device to the penis during sleep. The ring measures any increase in size throughout sleep and waking up. This tends to be a reliable means of detecting if it is a physical problem. This lets doctors know whether its a physical problem or not.

 

For your husband, the problem may be MORE than just physical as well (and it likely is, to have dysfunction to this degree). He likely has low testosterone, chronically high cortisol, or some other hormonal anomaly which is contributing to a lack or erotic (mental) desire.

 

Hormonal issues can be tested and treated quite readily (although he'd have to take a pill/pills everyday for the rest of his life). Physiological issues are harder to treat, as the source can be difficult to find. Typically, Viagara or another localized-blood pressure affecting medication are tried to treat the erectile dysfunction. Combing hormonal treatment with one of these meds might be required. If Viagara doesn't help, more serious actions can be pursued, but surgery carries with it certain dangers, so doctors try to avoid it if possible.

 

If there are psychological reasons as well as physical, those are most difficult to deal with. Counselling can help though.

 

 

But, as for you and what YOU can do now...

 

Step 1: Don't beat yourself up about cheating. It is hardly cheating when in your unique situation. You warned your husband.. you tried talking through it.. you did everything you could short of leaving. Sexual interaction is a NECESSITY for humans, almost as necessary as food and shelter. The fact is, the vast majority of people will seek and find it by any means necessary, when frustrated and desperate enough.

 

Step 2: Decide whether you want to tell him or not. Honesty is usually the best policy, but it may not serve any purpose here. A sustainable solution may be found, but admitting what has happened may be detrimental to that. Whether you admit exactly what happened or not, you do need to sit down and have a real, serious discussion in order to find...

 

Step 3: A sustainable solution. Have an open discussion about how the current state is simply not acceptable, and you need to identify your options, and choose one.

 

Many couples, more than you might think, deal with sexual dysfunction by allowing for outside sexual interactions. They feel there is no need to dissolve the relationship simply because of sex, so they get their needs met elsewhere. For this, you need to decide if it sex that you need, or sex with your husband that you need. If it is the latter, then this solution will not work for you. He also needs to be FAIR to you and to himself, and realize that he isn't being fair to you right now. He can't have you and force you to not be sexual for your whole life... he can either let you engage in sex with others while staying with you, or let you go completely.

 

My recommendations:

 

From my point of view, I think the best thing is for him to first acknowledge that things can't stay as they are. Then he can decide if he is willing to seek medical help. If that doesn't help (or he isn't willing to), you and he can together decide if you want to open things to allow you to have sex with others (allowing the marriage to continue), or if you need to dissolve the marriage.

[curiou]

Lecturer

 

That was a great post. I agree with everything you said, I think.

[Dexter Morgan]

Step 1: Don't beat yourself up about cheating. It is hardly cheating when in your unique situation.

 

 

uh, what??

 

 

 

You warned your husband.. you tried talking through it.. you did everything you could short of leaving.

 

wrong, looks like she didn't offer him help. Seems to me he has a problem, something he probably needs to see a doctor for.

 

call me crazy, but if I were with someone that needed help, rather than "warn" her, or dictate my terms to her by saying, "if you don't do this, then I'll do this".

 

I think NOW after her cheating she is maybe seeing that he needs help and NOW is looking at going to counseling....but one, counseling may not be the fix, and 2, she plans on dropping the bomb on the poor guy in the counseling session.

 

so I didn't see, based on her initial posts, where she was trying to help him, but rather talk at him and what she'll do if he doesn't become intimate......rather than trying the help get to the bottom of it all......and then if it looks like help is what he needs and he won't get it.......divorce.....don't cheat......and yes, it is cheating.

 

 

Sexual interaction is a NECESSITY for humans, almost as necessary as food and shelter. The fact is, the vast majority of people will seek and find it by any means necessary, when frustrated and desperate enough.

 

thats what seperates those with integrity with those that don't.

 

I was about as sex starved as a man could get in a marriage....didn't see me going out and boning other women.

 

 

Step 3: A sustainable solution. Have an open discussion about how the current state is simply not acceptable, and you need to identify your options, and choose one.

 

so in all your steps, I see nothing about getting him help....just what she wants and how to get it, and how to dictate terms to him.

 

Again, I hope if I ever develop a problem through no fault of my own, that a SO stands by me and tries to help me.......not go out and look for it on the side. I don't call that love in any way shape or form.

 

 

Many couples, more than you might think, deal with sexual dysfunction by allowing for outside sexual interactions.

 

well if she asks him and he allows it, then all these posts will become moot points

 

 

 

They feel there is no need to dissolve the relationship simply because of sex, so they get their needs met elsewhere. For this, you need to decide if it sex that you need, or sex with your husband that you need.

 

she cheated...she already decided its sex and not necessarily with her husband.

[eris23]

than you Lecturer, that made a lot of sense

 

and than you all, really and even you Dexter.

 

Dex, I can see youre in pain from being cheated on, but please actually read the facts of the situation. you keep going off about me not being open sexually and going to the doctor - ive done these things, youre being critical of something youre not understanding. Please read what I have written first and then tell me off

 

well everyone Ive told him to go for awhile. his best frind is getting married Saturday and I dont want to tell him what happened until after that ( he needs his head together about that)

 

So, Ive asked him to stay at his parents and after the wedding we are going to have the talk.

 

 

 

 

OH! and thank you all ,every one of you, im reading it all and you all make msense.

 

i needed help and understanding and youve all helped me much more than you know, even crazy angy Dex gave me a perspective to consider.

 

thank you

Edited October 29, 2010 by eris23
more to add

[road]

You were wrong to have sex outside of the marriage.

 

Whether your husband can't or won't have sex you need to get a divorce.

 

It was wrong for a man to hide that he has no interest in sex so he can get married or has a medical/mental problem.

 

Being this marriage has not been consumated it can be annulled.

[Stung]

 

 

wrong, looks like she didn't offer him help. Seems to me he has a problem, something he probably needs to see a doctor for.

 

 

 

 

 

I was about as sex starved as a man could get in a marriage....didn't see me going out and boning other women.

 

 

.

 

Dexter, OP has stated that she has taken her husband to at least three different doctors, and that he has been in therapy and on medication for two years without ever changing his interaction with her. In addition, she has NEVER had sex nor even french kissed her husband, in more than four years, and her husband refuses to explain to her why or communicate with her effectively about it in any way.

 

While I am against infidelity as a rule it's hard for me to feel a whole lot of outrage at this example.

 

OP, if your husband refuses to/is unable to communicate effectively without counseling/mediation, I suppose telling him in your counseling session is the best choice, although it's not ideal. I agree with the general consensus, it is time to get yourself out of this marriage, which has become a form of mental torture for you. Hopefully you will be able to preserve a friendship with this man you care for, while being able to spread your wings and find real love (with all it's accompanying physical glory) elsewhere.

 

I would advise you to indulge in sex BEFORE marriage next time, in order to gauge compatibility. Good luck.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex, I can see youre in pain from being cheated on, but please actually read the facts of the situation. you keep going off about me not being open sexually and going to the doctor - ive done these things, youre being critical of something youre not understanding. Please read what I have written first and then tell me off

 

 

I never said a word about you being open sexually.....as for helping him see a doctor, was this before or after you cheated?

 

and did he see a doctor? can't recall in the posts if he had, if he refused, or what.

 

either way, it doesn't excuse what you did.

 

 

 

 

well everyone Ive told him to go for awhile. his best frind is getting married Saturday and I dont want to tell him what happened until after that ( he needs his head together about that)

 

So, Ive asked him to stay at his parents and after the wedding we are going to have the talk.

 

 

 

 

OH! and thank you all ,every one of you, im reading it all and you all make msense.

 

i needed help and understanding and youve all helped me much more than you know, even crazy angy Dex gave me a perspective to consider.

 

thank you

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, OP has stated that she has taken her husband to at least three different doctors, and that he has been in therapy and on medication for two years without ever changing his interaction with her.

 

ok, missed all that. ok, so he has done all this. I'd say then he was making an effort...looks like nothing is working through no fault of his own. If he wasn't concerned or didn't care, he wouldn't have gone to see the doctors.

 

 

In addition, she has NEVER had sex nor even french kissed her husband, in more than four years, and her husband refuses to explain to her why or communicate with her effectively about it in any way.

 

 

well wouldn't you find this odd and that there is some underlying huge problem here? This isn't just a case of a man that isn't attracted to his wife and simply neglects her...there is a mental or physical problem here.

 

 

While I am against infidelity as a rule it's hard for me to feel a whole lot of outrage at this example.

 

well maybe if you had a problem which you were trying to seek help and nothing was working, and something of no fault of your own..maybe you wouldn't care if your wife went out and boned other people.

 

i would and would suggest that we get a divorce if that were the case with me.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You have never had a marriage. You sleep in different beds, you don't know if he has morning wood. You have never kissed properly. Have you touched his Penis? Tried a BJ.... This is just so silly.

 

You have seen dr.s, but have you told them you have never had sex or touched in a sexual manner? I promise you that Dr.'s would have something to say to that. Ever hear of Viagra, Cialis, Levitra? This would be a start if you were honest with the doctors. You have also claimed to be religious (he is a good catholic), how about talking to a priest? Was there no pre-marital counceling? How about discussions with his parents.

 

I could go on and on and on.... But I am quite sure he is gay........ and you need to see a counselor and have IC to answer how you can feel the way you do about him and have gone 4 years with out touch......

Edited October 29, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Woman In Blue]

I don't know why your husband just can't admit he's gay. The world is so liberal now - they'll embrace his homosexuality and give he and his a partner health insurance and a baby to raise as their own.

[2long]

First off, let me say that I agree with everything Dexter said above. And don't assume that he or I am in any pain any longer over being cheated on (my W's affair ended years ago). Using this "excuse" for being dishonest doesn't help eris at all going forward - just justifies her poor choice.

 

Eris, unfortunately a lot of advice in this thread is pretty poor - it is based on emotions (people's pain from being cheated on) rather than logic, and thus it is focusing on the wrong parts of your problem. Also, please don't let yourself be judged by people that simply cannot judge you fairly (ie: a rape trial would never be decided by a jury of rape victims).

 

On anonymous forum, where you are also anonymous, how can you verify the "credentials" of the people you're labeling as unable 2 judge eris fairly? How can we be certain you're qualified 2 make judgments?

 

And, for the record, I'm judging eris' choice, and the rationalization's she appears 2 be making going forward, not her person. There's a big difference.

 

First, your husband is most likely asexual.

 

He may be, but without being Drs and having him in a Drs office, this is quite a speculation, and not something eris should base her next choice on.

 

There are some people, men and women, who - for various reasons - have zero interest in sex. They still desire companionship, but they never feel any sort of sexual desire for another person. Some asexual people are happy with who they are and do not desire to change. Others see it is an obstacle to a healthy life, and are willing to seek medical help.

 

This makes sense, but there is still very little 2 go on here, since eris' H isn't participating in this discussion.

 

Step 1: Don't beat yourself up about cheating. It is hardly cheating when in your unique situation.

 

So, she should feel no remorse? No guilt? I'm sure this is just what she wants 2 hear (but not what she needs 2 hear).

 

You warned your husband.. you tried talking through it.. you did everything you could short of leaving.

 

I can tell from this statement that you have never been cheated on by someone you thought had promised 2 forsake all others for you, in sickness and in health and all that stuff. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. The statement, made 2 someone who's just confessed 2 being unfaithful 2 her H, doesn't discourage her from doing it again.

 

I sure know that *I* was told, by my W after d-day, that she had "warned me", she'd "tried talking through it", that she "did everything she could short of leaving"... The first 2 things she said 2 me when the affair started. Great! I should have 'gotten it' from that?? Obviously, she didn't tell me that she was having an affair! The third excuse, and many others like it, was made after I found out about the affair on my own.

 

Know this: eris' H doesn't deserve you helping her justify her bad behavior. He may have a medical problem, yes. They both certainly have a marital problem that is serious enough that eris decided that cheating was a reasonable thing 2 do.

 

But, like I told my W, whether or not she rationalized that she "did all she could" 2 reach out 2 me when she was at risk for an affair (and like I said, much of this she did after she was already having the affair), the bottom line is that, if I wasn't hearing her she needed 2 repeat herself, insist on counseling or, best of all, be completely honest and truthful with me.

 

THEN, if nothing gets through, file for divorce! Then you can post as many craigslist ads as your heart desires. Don't cheat.

 

Step 2: Decide whether you want to tell him or not. Honesty is usually the best policy, but it may not serve any purpose here. A sustainable solution may be found, but admitting what has happened may be detrimental to that. Whether you admit exactly what happened or not, you do need to sit down and have a real, serious discussion in order to find...

 

Like I said about my own si2ation above, no "serious discussion" was ever going 2 be possible until my W was completely honest with me. Anything less than disclosure of the cheating would be cruel manipulation. Period.

 

Many couples, more than you might think, deal with sexual dysfunction by allowing for outside sexual interactions. They feel there is no need to dissolve the relationship simply because of sex, so they get their needs met elsewhere.

 

This kind of arrangement could only be arrived at, fairly, with complete honesty. Until she's honest with her H about why she would want such an arrangement, she's robbing him of his ability 2 make his own choices from a position of knowledge.

 

He also needs to be FAIR to you and to himself, and realize that he isn't being fair to you right now. He can't have you and force you to not be sexual for your whole life... he can either let you engage in sex with others while staying with you, or let you go completely.

 

If this is a real option, he needs 2 know.

 

My recommendations:

 

From my point of view, I think the best thing is for him to first acknowledge that things can't stay as they are. Then he can decide if he is willing to seek medical help. If that doesn't help (or he isn't willing to), you and he can together decide if you want to open things to allow you to have sex with others (allowing the marriage to continue), or if you need to dissolve the marriage.

 

You referred 2 him 5 times in your recommendation.

 

Here's my recommendation: Start over, and recommend things that eris can do, as this is entirely HER problem so long as she is the only one seeking advice. Or, invite her H 2 read and participate in a discussion of HIS issues on loveshack. Then you can make recommendations for both of them 2 consider.

 

-ol' 2long

[goingstrong]

Everybody here is over analyzing...the husband is gay.

 

He is simply not interested in sex. He is not attracted to naked ladies

 

Every heterosexual man is interested in naked ladies...unless he is neutered......... What a minute, that leads to some unasked questions of the OP.....what are you're husbands physical characteristics? Does he have facial/body hair? Does he have other secondary sexual characteristics? ie..does it appear that he has gone through puberty? Your husbands behavior sounds like he is gay -or- that of a pre-pubescent child.

Edited October 30, 2010 by goingstrong