I Did Something This Morning - A Vent...

[Star727]

I found my WH's secret prepaid cell phone and hid it before I left for work today (he is at home on vacation this week).

 

He's having an EA with a fellow coworker of ours for the past 10 years. I found out 2 years ago and he's been struggling with NC with her. We've had many D-Days since. Obviously since I found the secret phone with only OW's name in his contacts, he got the phone to keep in contact with her.

 

Since D-Day we have had little sex, little affection - intimacy in general really sucks. I think a lot of it is him being angry that I'm trying to force him to give her up. There's no reason for him to stay with me if he wants to keep contact with her and I've asked him to decide what he wants to do and he's still with me but only in a roommate existence. Thats not a marital relationship.

 

Right now, I'm so pissed off that I found the phone, I can't see straight. I really hope he will ask me about it when I get home so I can give it to him and at the same time tell him to pack his stuff and leave.

 

I'm lonely and married and sleep with my husband every night. If I have to be this lonely, I'd rather sleep alone. That way I won't get angry.

 

I just can't believe he is still in contact with her. Just can't believe it!!!! Why won't he just leave me and go to her? They've been together for so long, I would think she would be all for him finally coming to her. Why won't he?

 

Why do I have to be so unhappy and stuck with a man who have feelings for another woman? Since D-Day he has had 2 years to get over her and I don't think they've ever stopped talking to each other.

 

I want to walk over to her office and cuss her out so bad, its killing me!!!!!!! She and I have already had a confrontation shortly after D-day and she swore she'd never talk to him again but she was lying. She's lying, he's been doing nothing but lying for the last 2 years.

 

Why, why can't he just leave me alone??????

 

If he leaves, I won't fall apart. I won't get suicidal. I won't get depressed. Living like this is what's making me depressed.

 

Everytime I think about us in the bed and I'm stroking him, trying to get close to him and he's just laying there straight as an arrow, no reciprocation at all. I don't even remember the last time he told me he loved me.

 

He doesnt love me, he doesnt want me intimately. I'm someone who rides to work with him everyday, someone who feeds him and our two kids (age 23 and 18) everyday, we bowl on the same leagues together. But thats about it.

 

I've threatened to divorce him if I find out that he's still in contact with her and now I KNOW HE IS because I found the secret cell phone.

 

I'm venting - I'm pissed - I'm ready to be alone with my kids now.

 

I need to work on myself now. This celibate life I've been living has lowered my self esteem to an all time low. I'm so sexually frustrated that I've been eating too much, gain a lot of weight. I'm so angry now - I havent had a hunger pain all morning. Maybe its the anger thats making that happen.

 

I want to lose weight. Get my finances back on track. And just live my life with my kids and get a puppy.

 

I'm just so pissed that I let him waste 2 years of my life when he could have just left on the 1st D-Day.

 

Well, the OW can have him. Now his problems will be her problems. I won't have to worry about him anymore. He had prostate cancer surgery 5 years ago so he has some ED but he's been blaming that on us not having sex but I don't believe him because he's been taking his Cialis and not doing nothing with me when its in his system so he's with someone.

 

I can't wait to get home to see how he's going to handle this secret phone thing because I checked it and he has paid for alot of minutes on the phone. 845 minutes are on the phone. How much does that cost?

 

He knows that I will kick him out about the phone so I'm not sure how he is going to get me to give it back to him. He'll be too scared to mention it.

 

Should I mention the phone?

 

Whats a good way to handle this.

 

Once this phone his mentioned, our marriage is over so I need a really go way to do this or a good way to handle it if he asks me about it.

 

I'll bet he is turning our house upside down looking for that phone!!!!!

[jthorne]

Oh Star, I remember your previous threads, and I'm so sorry to read this. So very sorry.

 

I guess if you wanted to be vindictive, you could use the phone to text the OW. What you said would be up to you... you could act like your WS, or you could text her to say if she wants to speak with WS, she will have to do something else because you have the phone.

 

Or you could just leave the phone out of it, and tell him when you get home that the M is over. If he was smart enough to sneak around, he should be smart enough to figure out what happened to the phone.

 

If I remember correctly, you are in a financial position to make it by yourself. That means more than you might realize.

 

While you have been ignoring yourself and focusing on him, he's been focusing on someone else. You don't deserve that, and you know it.

 

I don't really know what else to say. I'm just really sorry that this has continued to happen.

[bentnotbroken]

I would give him that phone back in a million pieces wrapped in divorce papers. 2 years if more than enough time to decide to repair your marriage or leave it. Maybe drop a piece of it off on her desk along with a letter that you will be passing on to her significant other if she has one.

[seren]

Hi Star, so sorry you are going, have gone through this for so long, having said that I wonder why you have stayed for so long, it must be very hard, I couldn't do it.

 

It sounds like you are ready to leave, sounds like there has been no joint attempt to reconcile or to look at what needs to be done to save your relationship.

 

No NC would be a no brainer for me, I would tell him to leave, or leave myself. That way, you can go on to regain your self esteem and live a happy life. Your H can also go onto live a happy life, either with OW or not.

 

I would first ask myself what I wanted to happen next, stay in the house, leave, timescales and a very firm plan for myself and my children, and then act on it.

 

I wouldn't blow, I would simply and calmly tell him that you know there is still contact, that I couldn't continue living a life like you have been and that it ends, today and that means a new life for you.

 

It is easy for me to say this, I would be devastated, but couldn't stay. I so hope you are OK and have support. I wish you peace x I just know someone who has been through the same will be along with advice.

[Patrice]

Just go home and tell him the marriage is over. He didn't have the decency to speak to you about his wants, needs or give any care about yours. You owe him no explanation ... find your peace. Living like that has to be killing your self-esteem. Life is too short ... hang in there.

[Mimolicious]

Wrap the phone in a gorgeous box with a HUGE red bow. Keep a in your face when you give it to him. Ask him to open it in front of you.

Stick a yellow sticky to the phone saying: " PRESS 1 TO CALL SOMEONE WHO CARES or PRESS 2 TO CALL 911. NOW PACK YOUR SHYTE AND GET THE FACK OUT".

 

Babygirl, reading your story takes me to a dark place in time. I promise you, that it will get better. Have the stregth and dont waste any more time like I did! You are right, it is better to sleep alone!!!

 

I wish you well!

[BellaBellaBella]

I wouldn't give him the phone. I hope you turned the ringer off. Let him wonder. Get your ducks in a row and then decide when your cooler.

 

Get legal advise and do it in a planned manner if you chose to end things.

[thomasb]

He probably is turning the house inside out about now. I would have probably called and said just two words,'GET OUT!'

But, I think what you need to concentrate on right now is you. What you want. What you need. First, your health. Mental and physical. A really good antidepressant may help for a while.

[Mimolicious]

She's good. I would have called him from that same phone already. (sorry I don't mean to laugh) people are just sooooo foolish and go through some extreme lengths to conduct their clandestine Bullshyte.

 

I guess it may be what makes the A hot and heavy. I sometimes think that if it wasnt for the "thrills" some of these R wouldn't even exist.

[Star727]

What really pisses me off - if OW was that important to him, why didnt he just leave 2 years ago? I could have been over him by now and possibly in a new and good relationship.

 

I'm so angry right now and I hope I can keep my voice down so the kids won't hear us. As soon as he mentions his phone, I'm going to give it to him and tell him that he and the phone has to leave this house right now since they can't seem to stay out of contact with OW. If he gets smart and start talking shyt, I will totally go off and I really don't want my kids to hear our business but they might...

[Mimolicious]

So can you speak to him now? Are the kids home now?

 

I agree with you. You aint telling me nothing I haven't gone through but people want their cake and eat it too.

[quankanne]

hand it to him, but before you do, dial her number ... and then let them BOTH know, he's gone, and now therefore HER problem. That as a matter of fact, she can come retrieve him and all his crap IMMEDIATELY. Then change the locks on the door.

 

in the meantime, if you've got a joint banking account, you might want to change the passcode or even set up a new account with your share of the money (not saying take all of it, but the money you put into it so that he cannot confiscate what's rightfully the wages YOU earned).

 

I guess the big question in my mind is if you've been so unhappy all this time, why are you waiting for HIM to leave? Because a guy who invests in a 10-year extramarital affair but who refuses to commit to either his lover or his spouse is no real prize, IMO.

[Owl]

Use your anger and hurt.

 

Use it as a catalyst for action...to either give him the boot or remove you and your family from his life. It's time, especially after two years of effort, to make a change.

 

Oh, and on the phone...I say use that sucker up. Call your mom, call your dad, call your best friend who lives in Hawaii...might was well get some positive use out of the darned thing.

[GorillaTheater]

Oh, and on the phone...I say use that sucker up. Call your mom, call your dad, call your best friend who lives in Hawaii...might was well get some positive use out of the darned thing.

 

 

You ever want to have a chat with anyone in Tel Aviv or Johannesburg? Now's your chance.

 

But yes, get your ducks in a row as soon as possible. Separate finances, cancel joint credit cards, and talk to a lawyer or three.

[2long]

Is the battery dead? Otherwise, unless you hid the phone somewhere he can't hear it, the first thing he could do is dial the number and listen for the ringer.

 

..unless someone already suggested this...

 

-ol' 2long

[Mimolicious]

PAUSE... Why didn't you take the phone with you? I hope is not a high tech device, nowadays they have tracking software or apps, where you can find your phone (if it's on).

[YellowShark]

The worst part about my EXs 2nd affair was that she knew how much the first affair hurt me. She also made promises to me, and we set boundaries together while in therapy over the first affair.

 

That's the part that made up my mind for me, that she did it again. The second time she had an affair there was absolutely no question how much damage the first affair did to us. It hurt me 100 times worse than the first time that she could be so cruel.

 

So when the second affair happened I was packed and out the door in 4 days flat without negotiation. Sounds like your situation Star727. He just doesn't care and will continue to be in contact with the OW because he is broken inside and obviously a bad partner.

 

Time to let go and say goodbye to this man. It hurts like hell but it's better than being a doormat.

 

Best of luck.

[whichwayisup]

What really pisses me off - if OW was that important to him, why didnt he just leave 2 years ago? I could have been over him by now and possibly in a new and good relationship.

 

I'm so angry right now and I hope I can keep my voice down so the kids won't hear us. As soon as he mentions his phone, I'm going to give it to him and tell him that he and the phone has to leave this house right now since they can't seem to stay out of contact with OW. If he gets smart and start talking shyt, I will totally go off and I really don't want my kids to hear our business but they might...

 

She isn't. HE is important to himself as he's cake eating, having someone on the side and he gets to stay married. He has NO intention of changing this, if he did want to change it, yes he would have left already. I'm sure he's telling the OW "I plan on leaving my wife, but I need to stay for the kids sake, and my wife won't be able to survive without me.." blah blah blah!!!!

 

Good for you for finally having the courage to do something about it.

 

Go to the gym, workout and lose weight - Plus it'll help with your frustration and anger, the pain of it all.

 

YOU will be fine, it'll hurt and there'll be an adjustment period for you all, but trust me, you have it in you to work through this and be stronger than ever!

 

You're a beautiful woman, inside and out!

 

As for your cheating husband ... Wish I was a fly on the wall when he finds out you're done. DO NOT let him manipulate you, or pour on the emotion when he tries to tell you the opposite of what he's doing behind your back.

[Star727]

I'm tired of being a doormat!

 

I have given him time to decide what he was going to do. I have been patient. I have softly talked to him and explained how bad he has broken my heart. We've been married for 24 years. We grew up together. He lived across the street from me. Our families have known each other for over 50 years! I thought we were fine. I thought we were getting back on track. I got him the job he has and he repays me by messing around with someone at the job. She and I were somewhat friendly. We spoke to each other everyday. All that time, my WH has been going to her house, talking to her on the phone.

 

I've waited so long because he kept asking me to wait, give him another chance, trust him, trust our marriage. And I listened to him and did that but it didnt mean squat.

 

I have suggested that we go our separate ways many times and he didnt want that. Probably because a break up would make him look really bad. He would look bad to his coworkers, he'd look back to our bowling leagues, he'd look back to our kids and both of our families so I guess he felt he would just stick it out with me and continue with her on the side because doing anything else would be too messy.

 

He takes pride in all the respect he gets from our family, friends and coworkers and he knows people will look down on him if we break up. Why in the world would he take a chance like that? I guess he feels she's worth it. Oh well.

[2sure]

He has not experienced any negative consequences to his actions.

You have.

He simply has had no reason important enough to compel him to change.

See an attorney who will advise you how to make the quickest and most dramatic consequence in your Husband's Life.

 

THEN...you will be having a conversation. But, if that doesnt lead to action - like dividing assets and his moving ...its all just more talk.

[Mimolicious]

I'm tired of being a doormat!

 

I have given him time to decide what he was going to do. I have been patient. I have softly talked to him and explained how bad he has broken my heart. We've been married for 24 years. We grew up together. He lived across the street from me. Our families have known each other for over 50 years! I thought we were fine. I thought we were getting back on track. I got him the job he has and he repays me by messing around with someone at the job. She and I were somewhat friendly. We spoke to each other everyday. All that time, my WH has been going to her house, talking to her on the phone.

 

I've waited so long because he kept asking me to wait, give him another chance, trust him, trust our marriage. And I listened to him and did that but it didnt mean squat.

 

I have suggested that we go our separate ways many times and he didnt want that. Probably because a break up would make him look really bad. He would look bad to his coworkers, he'd look back to our bowling leagues, he'd look back to our kids and both of our families so I guess he felt he would just stick it out with me and continue with her on the side because doing anything else would be too messy.

 

He takes pride in all the respect he gets from our family, friends and coworkers and he knows people will look down on him if we break up. Why in the world would he take a chance like that? I guess he feels she's worth it. Oh well.

 

Well you know what happens now! *I am going to get shyte for this but F it!* All that "pride and respect" that he holds sooooo dearly and close to his heart, is in your power now.

 

If he really cared about "looking bad" he would have been a man and not such a sham. That whole "holy" persona is just a way to manipulate you and keep you in a daze. "Doing anything else would be too messy"? What do you call what he's been doing then?! Interesting.

[YellowShark]

As for your cheating husband ... Wish I was a fly on the wall when he finds out you're done. DO NOT let him manipulate you, or pour on the emotion when he tries to tell you the opposite of what he's doing behind your back.

 

I agree 100%, that's wise cautionary advice.

 

Definitely watch out for the gaslighting Star727. My EX loved to use my insecurity and jealousy from her first affair to "defend" her second affair. She said my so-called "jealousy issues" were ruining our relationship.. when the reality was her affairs ruined our relationship.

 

Like most cheaters who get caught she refused to take ownership for her actions, and needed to blame me - the faithful partner! - to defend what was indefensible.

[Angel1111]

I don't get why you think you have to stay in this relationship, or why you're making this his choice. A ten year affair and he still won't stop seeing her and you're still there? Where's his motivation to stop this behavior?

[kuma]

I'm so sorry. But I'm glad that you found his phone. Now you know the truth. Please take care of yourself. ((hugs))

[quankanne]

Why in the world would he take a chance like that? because honestly? He's got nothing to lose. He screwed around, got busted and then convinced you to stay in the marriage. Those "magic words" and probably some sad puppy eyes did the trick, in his way of thinking, and you went for it. And that justified renewing his effort of cheating on the marriage.

 

at which point, I don't think he's honestly realized what a gut-wrenching decision you've had to make in choosing to stay in the marriage, because it really wasn't about you, you know? You might have scared a little sense into him when he *thought* he was going to lose it all, but then it got swept under the rug (in his eyes) when you fought for your marriage.

 

if this wasn't such a heart-breaking deal for you right now, I could almost wish to be a fly on the wall just to see his response when he realizes he's busted. And that he's done used up his "three strikes" ...

 

as pissed off and hurting as you may be, take pride in the fact that you're making strides in dealing with a jackass who thinks he can pull one over you.