This is so minor, but...

[InternationalPlayboy]

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and together for 15. We never had that discussion where each details his or her list of prior conquests, relationships etc. We knew we weren't virgins when we met and both of us had relationships of varying lengths. Personally, I never cared what she did previously as I'm not the jealous type. When we started dating, we discussed it some but not in any detail. She prefers knowing little about my previous relationships as what little she does know upsets her - she is the jealous type.

 

A few years ago, she admitted to a few recent lesbianish-type dreams and was both embarrassed and turned on by them. Of course, I pried for details because it sounded hot.

 

Some weeks later, while discussing the subject in greater detail she acknowledged she had a brief fling with a female classmate before we met. She ended the relationship she said because it just "wasn't her." Again, I pried for details because it sounded hot. We had some of the best and most frequent sex for the next few months partly because of her admission.

 

But somewhere along the line, my interest in her same sex inclinations kind of put her off. It's not that she gets upset, but she does roll her eyes if I ask a question (the same question) a thousand times. So - I've learned to basically leave it alone.

 

However, this past weekend we saw a movie with a minor lesbian subplot and we both agreed it was pretty steamy. The movie was set in Europe and my wife noted how the scenery reminded her of her college summer backpacking solo in Spain and Italy. She said it was particularly reminiscent of a week where she shared a cabin with couple on a beach in Spain.

 

Now, I'd known she shared the cabin with them - we'd discussed it a couple times over the years and she basically said they offered to share the cabin with her as a means to save money for the rest of her journey. I even met the couple once when they visited the States.

 

Perhaps I was slow because I never thought a thing about it before. But in this new context of the movie (and knowing about her own inclinations) it puts things in a different light...

 

And now I want to ask some questions about it without her rolling her eyes at my perversions or just thinking I'm a dick.

 

Your thoughts?

Edited October 26, 2010 by InternationalPlayboy

[xxoo]

And now I want to ask some questions about it without her rolling her eyes at my perversions or just thinking I'm a dick.

 

Your thoughts?

 

This is really easy. Don't to this:

 

But somewhere along the line, my interest in her same sex inclinations kind of put her off. It's not that she gets upset, but she does roll her eyes if I ask a question (the same question) a thousand times. So - I've learned to basically leave it alone.

 

For a while, she was into it. It ran its course for her (obviously not for you), and she didn't want to "do" that fantasy anymore. You have to respect that and let it go--not push it and bring it up until she is rolling her eyes. Not sexy!

 

Explore it while it is fun for both of you, and then let it go for a while. If you do that, it'll likely come up as a playful topic again in time. You might have some work to "undo" what you've done, with regard to her sharing fantasies and experiences with you now. She might be feeling "if I tell him this, is he going to bring it up incessantly?" Might be best to talk about that directly, and promise you won't

[martini-mae]

For a while, she was into it. It ran its course for her (obviously not for you), and she didn't want to "do" that fantasy anymore. You have to respect that and let it go--not push it and bring it up until she is rolling her eyes. Not sexy!

 

Speaking from someone who's husband kept at her for something similar to this scenario you've posted many years ago~

Nip It Now before it gets out of control.

(I allowed our situation to get out of control, in my hind site, it was very dumb of me because it led to other troubles)

 

As xxoo has said - It was a fantasy & it's run its course. The constant questioning can become very boring & tiresome, especially when one is over it. I personally got to where I felt as if my husband couldn't 'get off' unless we talked about IT. Don't let your wife get to that point.

[Silly_Girl]

Speaking from someone who's husband kept at her for something similar to this scenario you've posted many years ago~

Nip It Now before it gets out of control.

(I allowed our situation to get out of control, in my hind site, it was very dumb of me because it led to other troubles)

 

As xxoo has said - It was a fantasy & it's run its course. The constant questioning can become very boring & tiresome, especially when one is over it. I personally got to where I felt as if my husband couldn't 'get off' unless we talked about IT. Don't let your wife get to that point.

 

Ditto. Been in a similar situation.

 

If it really plays on your mind, and you CAN'T let it alone, maybe at some point (at least a month away) you could say "actually, whilst we're talking about blah blah blah, something occurred to me, do you mind if I ask you about XXXXXXX?"

 

But it shouldn't be allowed to have the potential to ruin anything between you.

[LiveWell]

I have to disagree with the others who've posted so far International Playboy.

 

There should be no secrets of this nature between a husband and wife. If you ask and she's not forthcoming, it means she doesn't trust you with the information. The fact that she doesn't want to hear about your past makes no difference, because it's her choice if she doesn't.

 

If you can find a way to get her to open up to you about her past experiences and fantasies, even if they are somewhat shocking (e.g. suspected FFM threesome in the cabin in Spain, etc.), it will greatly enhance the intimacy of your marriage.

 

Let's face it: whatever she did, is done, and can't be changed. Whether or not she's ashamed of it, and whether or not it would anger you to find out about it. That doesn't change the fact that it happened.

 

However, in disclosing it to you, then your wife will be tearing down a wall interfering with true intimacy in your marriage.

 

I feel very very sorry for women who believe they have to keep secrets like this from their husbands, and who obviously don't trust their husbands enough to be fully open and honest with them. Secrets of this kind are extremely harmful in any marital relationship.

[LiveWell]

Playboy, another recent thread you started is quoted below.

 

The issues in both threads are related, even if you can't quite see the relationship.

 

The lack of emotional intimacy in a marriage contributes to the dying down of the sex, although I guess things have pepped up recently--but often that's temporary.

 

When spouses keep intimate secrets from each other, over a long period of time, marital intimacy dies.

 

I feel silly even posting this because I know it's as common as the common cold. But honestly, how do couples that celebrate their 50th anniversary last that frigging long?

 

My wife and I just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary - and we celebrated in style with a night out for dinner and back in bed by 10 p.m.!!! Yes...it was a quite a whirlwind extravaganza. And then she got sick the next morning from the shellfish she ate.

 

Really, our marriage is not that bad - I don't beat her, no one's cheated - but really must it be so incredibly dull? We get along, we share some laughs. But in a lot of ways I feel like we're not even roommates. It's like we're co-workers. Co-workers who have monthly - or maybe even twice-monthly - perfunctory sex.

 

You needn't ask, because I'm sure you can figure out, we have two kids. And they are the joy of our lives because they cost us a ton of money and interrupt us when we're trying to have adult conversations and they keep us from really ever going anywhere we want to go. But, admittedly they are adorable and they will one day bury us if we're nice to them.

 

I don't want to cheat. But good Lord I would love a roll in the hay with someone - ANYONE almost - new. Everyone woman I see - everysinglegodamnwomanisee - I picture nude. Or wonder what she'd be like in bed. They never know - not a chance. I don't flirt. I'm Mr. straight-and-Narrow, Mr. Buttondown. But seriously if any woman I knew even so much as raised an eyebrow toward me, the whole thing would collapse in a second. But I know this and go waaaay out my way to avoid any situation where that could remotely happen.

 

I love sex. I've told my wife this, she knows I love sex. It's possibly the only thing that makes me feel complete. She likes it. But she prefers sleeping, more. I don't blame her, we both have demanding jobs, kids, investments, pets - the whole American friggin' dream. But Jesus just a little strange...Is that so wrong?

 

I've romanced her - I buy flowers, tell her she's beautiful - but at some point it's just like "eh." I know I should do more but I don't even feel like doing that. And trust me - she feels exactly the same way.

 

Well, honestly, I could go on forever like this. But I just needed to vent this somewhere as I believe my head was about to explode.

[Iconoclast]

And now I want to ask some questions about it without her rolling her eyes at my perversions or just thinking I'm a dick.

Your thoughts?

 

So ask.

 

If / when she rolls her eyes, sighs etc., just say "why do you do that, I find it hurtful. I'm just curious, and think it's kinda hot".

 

Christ, you've been married 12 years. It can be talked about, perhaps a little shame, perhaps a little embarrassment, that's life, we all have a past and should feel safe to talk about it in a long term relationship.

[ilovelife75]

Here's a question for you. Suppose the roles were reversed, and you had the dream about a sexual encounter with another man. And suppose, you had had a sexual encounter in real life with a man in your younger days, and you had so much regret or felt embarrassed or ashamed about it, but your wife, thinking that it was "hot" that you had this sexual dream and an actual sexual experiment with another man, kept on you all the time, thousands of times about how hot it was.

 

How would that affect you? Think about it for a minute. Would you feel threatened? Would you begin to feel insecure, begin to feel that your wife would become attracted to another man, and fantasize about being with another man rather than you? Would you be able to trust her when having sex with her, would you be thinking "is she thinking about me or the other man". Would it lead you to wondering if you were good enough, handsome enough, strong enough, sexually satisfying enough, attractive enough, smart enough, etc for your wife?

 

 

This is how she is feeling. She is feeling threatened, insecure, and annoyed at your reaction. This was something that was done in the past. Of course it might be "hot" to watch on tv, but in real life, no one wants to feel that their spouse is sexually interested in another person. Give her a break. If she was nagging you about taking out the trash, thousands of times, you would roll your eyes at her, too.

[InternationalPlayboy]

Explore it while it is fun for both of you, and then let it go for a while. If you do that, it'll likely come up as a playful topic again in time. You might have some work to "undo" what you've done, with regard to her sharing fantasies and experiences with you now. She might be feeling "if I tell him this, is he going to bring it up incessantly?" Might be best to talk about that directly, and promise you won't

 

Agreed. I'm not sure it was clear in the original post, but she told me about her fling with another woman about 10 years after our wedding day. But honestly, I'm not that terribly concerned about it and care more about our relationship now than anything she did or didn't do in the past. And frankly, I'm sure my imagination runs wilder than anything she ever did.

[InternationalPlayboy]

Speaking from someone who's husband kept at her for something similar to this scenario you've posted many years ago~

Nip It Now before it gets out of control.

(I allowed our situation to get out of control, in my hind site, it was very dumb of me because it led to other troubles)

 

As xxoo has said - It was a fantasy & it's run its course. The constant questioning can become very boring & tiresome, especially when one is over it. I personally got to where I felt as if my husband couldn't 'get off' unless we talked about IT. Don't let your wife get to that point.

 

Thanks for your advice - I think I'll just let it go...If anything it'd be awkward even bringing it up now unless the conversation just naturally turned that direction. And seriously, it's not that big a deal for me. Just kinda hot to imagine.

[InternationalPlayboy]

Ditto. Been in a similar situation.

 

If it really plays on your mind, and you CAN'T let it alone, maybe at some point (at least a month away) you could say "actually, whilst we're talking about blah blah blah, something occurred to me, do you mind if I ask you about XXXXXXX?"

 

But it shouldn't be allowed to have the potential to ruin anything between you.

 

It certainly doesn't play on my mind or at least not in a bad way. I'm just curious about her life before we met - and not just her sexual life. Of course I know a lot, but it's never enough. This blip is no big deal, no harm done.

[InternationalPlayboy]

I have to disagree with the others who've posted so far International Playboy.

 

There should be no secrets of this nature between a husband and wife. If you ask and she's not forthcoming, it means she doesn't trust you with the information. The fact that she doesn't want to hear about your past makes no difference, because it's her choice if she doesn't.

 

If you can find a way to get her to open up to you about her past experiences and fantasies, even if they are somewhat shocking (e.g. suspected FFM threesome in the cabin in Spain, etc.), it will greatly enhance the intimacy of your marriage.

 

Let's face it: whatever she did, is done, and can't be changed. Whether or not she's ashamed of it, and whether or not it would anger you to find out about it. That doesn't change the fact that it happened.

 

However, in disclosing it to you, then your wife will be tearing down a wall interfering with true intimacy in your marriage.

 

I feel very very sorry for women who believe they have to keep secrets like this from their husbands, and who obviously don't trust their husbands enough to be fully open and honest with them. Secrets of this kind are extremely harmful in any marital relationship.

 

Thanks for your input and I totally understand what you're saying, but I hardly consider these things secrets - they're more ancient history than anything. So what if she had one or two or 200 flings before we met? Whatever works and lead her to me is what matters. Who cares if my old college girlfriend was extremely kinky (but also way psychotic)? Ultimately, it all lead to my wife. These aren't secrets, they're just histories and if anything I find the story - either imagined or real - kind of intriguing because I will never know entirely what happened. I wasn't there.

[InternationalPlayboy]

Playboy, another recent thread you started is quoted below.

 

The issues in both threads are related, even if you can't quite see the relationship.

 

The lack of emotional intimacy in a marriage contributes to the dying down of the sex, although I guess things have pepped up recently--but often that's temporary.

 

When spouses keep intimate secrets from each other, over a long period of time, marital intimacy dies.

 

I see what you're saying but I feel intimate secrets and simple forgetfulness are vastly different. And I believe this stems from failing memories more than some cunning deception on her part.

[InternationalPlayboy]

So ask.

 

If / when she rolls her eyes, sighs etc., just say "why do you do that, I find it hurtful. I'm just curious, and think it's kinda hot".

 

Christ, you've been married 12 years. It can be talked about, perhaps a little shame, perhaps a little embarrassment, that's life, we all have a past and should feel safe to talk about it in a long term relationship.

 

Eh, why bother? It's really not that hurtful to me and I don't really obsess over it, just a natural curiosity. And really if it annoys her and it's not that big a deal for me, why waste the time?

[InternationalPlayboy]

Here's a question for you. Suppose the roles were reversed, and you had the dream about a sexual encounter with another man. And suppose, you had had a sexual encounter in real life with a man in your younger days, and you had so much regret or felt embarrassed or ashamed about it, but your wife, thinking that it was "hot" that you had this sexual dream and an actual sexual experiment with another man, kept on you all the time, thousands of times about how hot it was.

 

How would that affect you? Think about it for a minute. Would you feel threatened? Would you begin to feel insecure, begin to feel that your wife would become attracted to another man, and fantasize about being with another man rather than you? Would you be able to trust her when having sex with her, would you be thinking "is she thinking about me or the other man". Would it lead you to wondering if you were good enough, handsome enough, strong enough, sexually satisfying enough, attractive enough, smart enough, etc for your wife?

 

 

This is how she is feeling. She is feeling threatened, insecure, and annoyed at your reaction. This was something that was done in the past. Of course it might be "hot" to watch on tv, but in real life, no one wants to feel that their spouse is sexually interested in another person. Give her a break. If she was nagging you about taking out the trash, thousands of times, you would roll your eyes at her, too.

 

When it comes to these issues, my wife and I are somewhat opposite. She gets a little upset flipping through my old yearbooks and seeing girls I dated, but I haven't thought of old girlfriends in decades. I find her old yearbooks and photo albums humorous and interesting. She claims - and I believe her - that she only masturbated a handful of times before we met. I encourage her to masturbate and ask for all the glorious details when she's done. Were it not for me, she'd never look at porn.

 

Conversely, she would rather not know when I masturbate or how I do it...She finds it filthy - which it is if you're doing it right.

 

But these are soft boundaries, not hard and fast. They change over time as does our sex life together. This marriage is a marathon not a sprint and although the road is bumpier than I'd like sometimes, I know it's all temporary.

[LiveWell]

Thanks for your input and I totally understand what you're saying, but I hardly consider these things secrets - they're more ancient history than anything.

 

If it's something about herself that she knows but is unwilling to open up to you about when asked, esp. something private and intimate, it's a secret she's keeping from you. The fact that it's an old secret (ancient history) just magnifies its significance.

 

 

 

So what if she had one or two or 200 flings before we met?

 

There is no man alive who wouldn't care if his spouse had f*cked 200 guys before she married him.

 

And actually it's not about "numbers," it's about the fact that your wife is refusing, and has always refused, to willingly share certain intimate details of her past with you. It almost doesn't really matter what those intimate details were--you both sound so sexually repressed that whatever she did probably couldn't have been all that shocking. It's about the fact that she still doesn't feel she can trust you with this information, not even after 13 years of marriage, having your kids, and sleeping next to you every night. She does not trust you. Not completely, anyway. That's not necessarily your fault. Lots of women are like this. They do a few "wild" things in their dating days, then when they get married, they have to present some kind of "good woman" image to their spouse. So they repress their sexuality.

 

Part of that repression is keeping secrets from the spouse of past things she has done that presents a different, wilder, more sexually uninhibited side of herself. That's precisely the part that she's hiding from you. Your woman has largely stopped having sex with you not simply because she's tired, but because exactly like many other women in her situation and with her social status, has decided that being sexual just isn't an important part of being a wife. It's also how a lot of bored wives justify cheating on their h's. They compartmentalize "sex" from "spouse." In your other thread, you were talking about your fantasies of cheating, right?

 

What exactly do you think your wife has been thinking about? Do you seriously believe your wife is so different from you that she has not been having similar fantasies, and similar marital dissatisfaction? Boy would you be in for a shock if you could read her mind. Your wife is a prime candidate to be a walkaway wife if you don't get your marriage fixed.

 

When a wife stops having marital sex it usually means she has ALREADY emotionally disconnected from the marriage, sometimes YEARS prior. Your wife hasn't COMPLETELY stopped having sex with you but you both let it get awfully close to that point, and your way of dealing with it was to deflect by fantasizing about affairs (as many people do). That's not helpful to restoring your marriage. Engaging your wife and improving the real communication with her, IS a possible way of restoring that relationship.

 

 

 

Whatever works and lead her to me is what matters. Who cares if my old college girlfriend was extremely kinky (but also way psychotic)? Ultimately, it all lead to my wife.

 

I don't know who cares. But if it's something a person doesn't care about, then if asked, they have no problem talking about it. Your wife doesn't want to do that. That means she cares about it.

 

 

 

These aren't secrets, they're just histories and if anything

 

I find the story - either imagined or real - kind of intriguing because I will never know entirely what happened. I wasn't there.

 

Look you and your wife are at a very critical time in your marriage. It will either get better or it will get worse. You're looking for all kinds of excuses to justify your wife's withholding intimate information from her past from you. That's not going to help your relationship, and ultimately, what you need to be very aware of is that oftentimes when a woman in your wife's position feels she cannot trust her own husband with her most intimate emotional thoughts, feelings, including sexual, including what she did in the past, then she finds another man to have those conversations with. That often leads to emotional affairs and physical affairs as well.

 

That's where you are right now as I see it.

 

Good luck.

[LiveWell]

When it comes to these issues, my wife and I are somewhat opposite. She gets a little upset flipping through my old yearbooks and seeing girls I dated, but I haven't thought of old girlfriends in decades. I find her old yearbooks and photo albums humorous and interesting. She claims - and I believe her - that she only masturbated a handful of times before we met. I encourage her to masturbate and ask for all the glorious details when she's done. Were it not for me, she'd never look at porn.

 

Conversely, she would rather not know when I masturbate or how I do it...She finds it filthy - which it is if you're doing it right.

 

But these are soft boundaries, not hard and fast. They change over time as does our sex life together. This marriage is a marathon not a sprint and although the road is bumpier than I'd like sometimes, I know it's all temporary.

 

A very good relationship building/intimacy exercise for you and your wife to do would be to masturbate together, watching and/or helping each other.

 

If she actually told you she finds masturbation filthy then she has some serious sexual hang ups. These need to be addressed pronto.

[LiveWell]

Also, when she got upset while you were flipping through old yearbooks, looking at pics of prior gfs, I guess, that would have been a perfect time to try to build marital intimacy by exploring her feelings, why she would feel so upset just looking at pictures of old gfs? How could that possibly be perceived by her, as a "threat"?

 

Is it possible she's been looking through her old yearbooks, and having those same kind of feelings, and felt guilty about it?

 

Has she been spending a lot of time on facebook lately?

 

Watch out OP.

 

Your wife sounds like PRIME walkaway wife material.

 

In fact she may have started an emotional affair already.

 

That would explain her losing interest in sex, when a woman like your wife gets involved emotionally with another man, they feel like it is "cheating" on the other man if they have sex with their own husband. I know it sounds ridiculous but that's the way they roll a lot of the time.

 

Have you ever thought of installing a keylogger on her computer and otherwise monitoring her internet/cell phone/txting usage?

[martini-mae]

Here's something I don't understand.

I haven't been posting here long - BUT I'm noticing a pattern.

 

So many posters here take a simple post "This is so minor, but" & have turned it into:

 

Get A Keylogger

Check Her Facebook

She's Keeping Secrets ~ therefore,

She's Cheating She's Cheating She's Cheating

 

I don't get it.

Not every single thing in life or marriage is pointed directly at infidelity.

 

IP: I understand your curiosity. You sound very much like my husband back in the day. He was curious. Said he wanted to live life vicariously thru me. (I was just more outgoing than he was at that time) He asked MANY questions about my past. It's all very innocent ~ Until it is taken to a level where she/I was just uncomfortable & annoyed with your/his constant "curiosity". We all have pasts & it doesn't mean that our spouses have to know every single intimate detail.

 

I don't see where her deciding not to talk about these experiences anymore as being secretive at all. The fantasy has run it's course. Maybe you could make new ones - share some of yours with her

 

I would highly doubt she's cheating. Your posts here don't really point to where you think she's cheating.

[xxoo]

The only "big" issue I see here is that you are asking us these questions instead of your wife. You have some hesitancy about communicating with your wife, and your marriage would undoubtedly benefit if you improved the communication in your marriage.

 

From what I'm reading--

 

Years back she openly shared a memory/fantasy. The two of you had a lot of fun with it, and a lot of hot times in bed. All this is normal and great, imo.

 

Then--that one fantasy ran its course for her, and you missed the signals and kept pressing for more. Either she didn't communicate it well enough, or you didn't listen well enough, or (probably) a little of both. And what started as a fun thing became a wedge between you. It isn't about the fantasies, or the memories. It is about the communication issues--the wedge.

 

So, why didn't you know when the fantasy turned from "FUN!" to "OMG, that again?!" for her? Why did it take you "thousands" of fails to get the message? Can you see how that fantasy might still be something the two of you occasionally enjoy if you could have been more intuned to her interest level?

[InternationalPlayboy]

Here's something I don't understand.

I haven't been posting here long - BUT I'm noticing a pattern.

 

So many posters here take a simple post "This is so minor, but" & have turned it into:

 

Get A Keylogger

Check Her Facebook

She's Keeping Secrets ~ therefore,

She's Cheating She's Cheating She's Cheating

 

I don't get it.

Not every single thing in life or marriage is pointed directly at infidelity.

 

 

I completely agree. I find it a little odd when people post on here "My spouse received a mysterious phone call" and immediately it turns into: "Your spouse is cheating," "Get a Keylogger," "Hire a private eye," "Change your will," "Move out," "Your spouse is keeping a secret family," etc etc etc.

 

Come on, people.

[InternationalPlayboy]

Also, when she got upset while you were flipping through old yearbooks, looking at pics of prior gfs, I guess, that would have been a perfect time to try to build marital intimacy by exploring her feelings, why she would feel so upset just looking at pictures of old gfs? How could that possibly be perceived by her, as a "threat"?

 

Is it possible she's been looking through her old yearbooks, and having those same kind of feelings, and felt guilty about it?

 

Has she been spending a lot of time on facebook lately?

 

Watch out OP.

 

Your wife sounds like PRIME walkaway wife material.

 

In fact she may have started an emotional affair already.

 

That would explain her losing interest in sex, when a woman like your wife gets involved emotionally with another man, they feel like it is "cheating" on the other man if they have sex with their own husband. I know it sounds ridiculous but that's the way they roll a lot of the time.

 

Have you ever thought of installing a keylogger on her computer and otherwise monitoring her internet/cell phone/txting usage?

 

No. She has not looked through her old yearbooks. And I wouldn't care if she has. And no offense to my wife, she was a tremendous nerd in high school. You should see her pictures - they are hilarious.

 

She's never on Facebook. NEVER. If anything, it troubles me how little she is on Facebook. She probably should worry about me since I'm on it far more than her. But that's because I'm a dork and I like making fun of friends from high school and college.

 

I assure you she has not started an "Emotional Affair" because she's not highly emotional to begin with.

 

And no, I have not and will not install a keylogger or monitor her internet cell phone and texting usage because I trust her, she trusts me, we trust each other and stalking a spouse like that is obnoxious, immature and in no way grounded in reality.

 

Although it may work for some.

[InternationalPlayboy]

A very good relationship building/intimacy exercise for you and your wife to do would be to masturbate together, watching and/or helping each other.

 

If she actually told you she finds masturbation filthy then she has some serious sexual hang ups. These need to be addressed pronto.

 

Okay - she does not find masturbation filthy. I was being silly, but she also doesn't want me to tell her every single time "Hey, hun I jerked one out in the shower this morning thinking of dental hygenist..." You know, she's normal - she knows I masturbate but would rather I spare her the details. I, on the other hand, am abnormal because I want every last detail when she masturbates. And this isn't some grand breakdown in communication, though I suspect you believe it is. I'm just a horny, horny guy.

 

The only people without sexual hang-ups were Mary and Joseph. The rest of us are screwed up to some degree.

[InternationalPlayboy]

If it's something about herself that she knows but is unwilling to open up to you about when asked, esp. something private and intimate, it's a secret she's keeping from you. The fact that it's an old secret (ancient history) just magnifies its significance.

 

 

 

 

 

There is no man alive who wouldn't care if his spouse had f*cked 200 guys before she married him.

 

And actually it's not about "numbers," it's about the fact that your wife is refusing, and has always refused, to willingly share certain intimate details of her past with you. It almost doesn't really matter what those intimate details were--you both sound so sexually repressed that whatever she did probably couldn't have been all that shocking. It's about the fact that she still doesn't feel she can trust you with this information, not even after 13 years of marriage, having your kids, and sleeping next to you every night. She does not trust you. Not completely, anyway. That's not necessarily your fault. Lots of women are like this. They do a few "wild" things in their dating days, then when they get married, they have to present some kind of "good woman" image to their spouse. So they repress their sexuality.

 

Part of that repression is keeping secrets from the spouse of past things she has done that presents a different, wilder, more sexually uninhibited side of herself. That's precisely the part that she's hiding from you. Your woman has largely stopped having sex with you not simply because she's tired, but because exactly like many other women in her situation and with her social status, has decided that being sexual just isn't an important part of being a wife. It's also how a lot of bored wives justify cheating on their h's. They compartmentalize "sex" from "spouse." In your other thread, you were talking about your fantasies of cheating, right?

 

What exactly do you think your wife has been thinking about? Do you seriously believe your wife is so different from you that she has not been having similar fantasies, and similar marital dissatisfaction? Boy would you be in for a shock if you could read her mind. Your wife is a prime candidate to be a walkaway wife if you don't get your marriage fixed.

 

When a wife stops having marital sex it usually means she has ALREADY emotionally disconnected from the marriage, sometimes YEARS prior. Your wife hasn't COMPLETELY stopped having sex with you but you both let it get awfully close to that point, and your way of dealing with it was to deflect by fantasizing about affairs (as many people do). That's not helpful to restoring your marriage. Engaging your wife and improving the real communication with her, IS a possible way of restoring that relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know who cares. But if it's something a person doesn't care about, then if asked, they have no problem talking about it. Your wife doesn't want to do that. That means she cares about it.

 

 

 

 

 

Look you and your wife are at a very critical time in your marriage. It will either get better or it will get worse. You're looking for all kinds of excuses to justify your wife's withholding intimate information from her past from you. That's not going to help your relationship, and ultimately, what you need to be very aware of is that oftentimes when a woman in your wife's position feels she cannot trust her own husband with her most intimate emotional thoughts, feelings, including sexual, including what she did in the past, then she finds another man to have those conversations with. That often leads to emotional affairs and physical affairs as well.

 

That's where you are right now as I see it.

 

Good luck.

 

Okay okay okay - if you read the original post you'll see I only have weak circumstantial evidence anything even remotely sexy happened - YEARS AGO. The rest is all my imagination.

 

There is no significant need for me to bring this up to her, I'm not dwelling on this at all anymore, except on here. It was just a minor thought and figured I'd share it.

 

I understand communication is the key to any healthy relationship yadda yadda yadda, but that doesn't mean I want her grilling me about my first blowjob in my high school auditorium when I was 16 or something. Yes, we need to communicate better, but that doesn't mean I want her phoning me every 15 minutes I'm out of the house and tracking my location. Not because I have anything to hide, but mainly because it would be annoying to me and she would appear desperate which is not very sexy.

 

Likewise, do you think she'd really, really want me getting all worked up and drooling and asking about her (imaginary) threesome from before we even met especially if said threesome never even happened???

 

But, clearly if she doesn't allow me to investigate every minute detail of her life she's cheating on me? If she fails to inform me of a one night stand she had when she was 19 it's a total break down of communication and I should hire a private eye to track her every move? If she doesn't give me the password to every online account she's ever had she clearly hiding something from me and I should file for divorce?

[InternationalPlayboy]

So, why didn't you know when the fantasy turned from "FUN!" to "OMG, that again?!" for her? Why did it take you "thousands" of fails to get the message? Can you see how that fantasy might still be something the two of you occasionally enjoy if you could have been more intuned to her interest level?

 

You seem very levelheaded and spot on in your opinions here.

 

As for the reason why didn't know when good went to bad - well I often keep my brains between my legs. A horrible place for them, really.