Borderline Mom cries wolf/cries cancer.

[Shindig]

I have barely spoken with my mother over the past decade or so. She's got an undagnosed borderline personality disorder and has alienated herself from pretty much everyone: her sisters, 2 out of 3 children, her friends, and her now ex-husband by routine practice of "I hate you! Wait, why are you leaving?"

 

She's now in her early seventies and mostly alone. Now she sends an email (she doesn't have my snail mail address or phone number) saying she's got cancer.

 

My sister who is brave enough to put up with mom wants me to help take care of her but I don't even think she's actually sick. She has claimed to be allergic to peanuts for years and my sister claims to find empty peanut butter Girl Scout cookie boxes every season. I can't blame her, those cookies are delicious but why lie about the peanut allergy if only to get attention?

 

I feel like an ******* because I actually don't care, even if she is sick. The only interest I have is making sure my sister isn't saddled with taking care of our mom for another lie.

 

I don't want to get close enough to investigate but it's the only way for me to debunk the situation. I'm trying to figure out how not to become a human lightning rod when I expose the lie or get sucked in if its true.

[D-Lish]

Your sister can find out if it's true or not if she's decided to get involved with your mom's care. There will be a paper trail of doc's visits, medication, and future doc's visits to escort your mother to. If she needs chemo, she'll need an escort to take her to those appointments.

 

If your mom is lying about this, the truth will come out.

 

What does your sis know about the validity of her claim so far?

[Shindig]

My sister is very submissive. It's how she survived our mom's company growing up. The instant mom gets upset my sister copes by being incredibly pliant. She tried to confront mom about the semi-annual empty boxes of peanut butter cookies a couple of times and now my sister says that they're made with soy, per mom's insistence.

 

The attention and sympathy cancer diagnosis receives is irresistible to something as hollow as a borderline personality. I doubt mom has even considered the repercussions of getting caught. You're right that eventually the truth will be apparent but how much time, effort and torture will we go through to get there? Maybe I should write a novel to get my mind off it.

[michelangelo]

So I don't know you, your mom, and so on.

 

However, i want to say that it is pretty sad that when one's mom can only reach out via email to let her daughter know she has cancer.

 

And her daughter's first reaction is to think it is a hoax to get attention.

 

If your mom were normal and she told you she had cancer how would you react? Likely with compassion and empathy.

 

But your mom is NOT normal. You know she is a disturbed person. She is just as sick as a cancer victim (leaving aside whether or not she also has cancer) but your reaction is annoyance that she'll intrude on your life yet again.

 

I am sure that growing up it was difficult to be around a mentally ill person. But now, when your elderly mother may need you, your reactions are still based on your childhood reactions to her poor mental health.

 

Maybe it is time for you to find your way past that and realize her mental illness is as much not within her control as cancer or a broken leg.

 

I'm not suggesting you do anything outside of your comfort zone.

 

However, ignoring your mother and even being annoyed at her for letting you know she has cancer is a pretty big thing to deal with down the road when you reflect on your life's decisions.

 

And if it turns out she is making a pathetic bid for attention and does not have cancer and it is a symptom of her mental illness? Educate yourself about this and maybe try to get her some help for this.

 

Would doing this really harm you?

[quankanne]

while forgiveness is necessary for healing, it doesn't mean throwing yourself in front of a runaway train to acknowledge it, either. Toxic people must be dealt with in a different manner, regardless of WHO it is ...

 

shindig, get verification of your mother's illness. If she's lying, you don't need to take action, other than working on the forgiveness thing so that YOU can live peacefully with your decision. If she's being truthful, know that you are not beholden to providing care for her if you are not trained as a healthcare giver. That's what hospitals and nursing homes are for – your responsibility as a "good" child is to make sure that things are running smoothly so that she gets the care she needs from a qualified source. That might mean helping tie up legal and practical needs on her behalf, it might mean making money decisions, it might mean taking responsibility as legal/medical power of attorney. But don't drive yourself nuts thinking you've got to do it all just to be a "good" child – God gave you certain gifts that can be tapped into right now; he also gave you smart judgement to discern what you are able to handle and what you're not (such as home-health assistance, a nursing home, etc).

 

separate this problem (if it truly exists) from the toxic relationship as best you can, and go from there.

[Shindig]

Michaelangelo, I understand what you're saying. I think that blood relatives get an undeserved special status compared to spouses, for example. If it was my abusive alcoholic ex-husband in question, I doubt many would recommend that I behave charitably instead of defensively. My boss could be a phone call away from mom's bedside claiming I've been stealing her opiates or prostituting myself for drugs (this has happened). It's not just bygones that keep me from my mother, it's genuine concern for the safety and wellbeing of myself, my career, and my family.

 

Yes, if it was anyone with whom I had a genuine mutually enriching relationship, I would be there. This is why my sister's nightly phone calls of anguish break my heart: she's my friend and I care about her.

 

It seems that after mom's second opinion at a holistic practice, my mother has opted to invest her efforts in Eastern medicine instead of Western which escapes the surgeries and chemo typical to cancer treatment. I'm anticipating acupuncture and ginger tea followed by a miracle remission.

 

My sister was allowed to observe the meeting between our mom and the practitioner (but not her yearly mammogram where she claims she was diagnosed and mysteriously without follow-up or biopsy) where mom announced her condition to the practitioner who claimed to feel the negative energy emanating from mom's chest.

[quankanne]

might be time to have your sister consider becoming your mom's medical POA to help her better determine how to best meet her needs. We did that with my dad, even though he was of sound mind up til the day he died – I think he wanted to make sure that his medical directives would be met in the event he wasn't able to tell the doctor point-blank.

 

not sure what wholistic medicine is going to do to cure her of the disease, though I imagine it will be a HUGE mental/emotional boon to her recovery/accepting her illness.

 

It's not just bygones that keep me from my mother, it's genuine concern for the safety and well-being of myself, my career, and my family.

 

it's a rough decision to make when there are blood ties involved, but bottom line is, is it worth the psychological hell dealing with these people on their terms? Because no matter how hard you try to make it palatable, a toxic relationship is still toxic, and just because they're related doesn't mean they necessarily deserve to make your life hell by insisting you "play their reindeer games" ... just my 2 cents

 

shin, how are YOU holding up through all this? Because despite everything else, I can only imagine the word "cancer" sends chills down your spine ...

[michelangelo]

I agree, it is unfair that crazy sets the agenda.

 

However, you can find ways to work around it. But if you can't you do what you can to protect yourself ultimately.

[quankanne]

you can find ways to work around it. But if you can't you do what you can to protect yourself ultimately.

 

first option is to always find a solution that works best for all involved ... but in some cases it's just not possible. It's not that you don't love that family member, but you realize that this person cannot control being a kind of emotional "vampire" who'll suck you dry without a second thought because they need your energy to sustain their drama.

[Shindig]

Mom is paranoid that we would have her committed if she gave up her POA and she's probably right. Also, it's hard to fake peanut allergies and cancer when your medical records are available for review. I don't know enough about holistic medicine to dismiss it off hand but when the woman who called it BS as long as I've known her suddenly embraces it, I'm skeptical.

 

I'm most worried about my sister. She's had a long history of putting up with our mom for a few weeks until the abuse gets too intense and then she literally leaves the country for a few years. I worry about her emotional stability in what smacks of an emotional hostage situation. I've been able to keep up with her by phone every night and she already sounds tired.