My Wife Cheated, Im raising His Child!

[KRWA1]

Almost 6 years ago, I put 2 and 2 together and found out my wife was cheating. After questioning her, and years of lying and deception and so on... I gathered that:

 

The affair lasted 2 1/2 years.

It began while I was in Afghanistan.

He was Her Company Comander back in the states (military)

Her mother and Sister helped her conceal the affair after my return.

My youngest son is not mine but his.

 

To this day we are still married (11 years now), however we are going through some EXTREMELY rough times. At the time I forgave her for this horrible mistake and deception of my son being mine. I always had a feeling he wasnt, however I love him like my oldest son. That will never change.

 

For the past 6 years we would argue about this often, mainly because I bring up the issue. I dont really care about the issue of "cheating" anymore, moreso that I just want to ensure my wife was sorry for what she did to me, not sorry that she got caught. Ususally our arguments end up in turmoil mainly because she doesnt want to talk about it. It wasnt until my son was 5 1/2 years old, and I begged her to simply tell me the truth that she finally admitted it.

 

I am not able to move on from her continuous lying about that. But what trully keeps my walls up is that, she continues to lie about the situation.

All I wanted from her after I found out was 2 things. A peternity test, and for her to come to me, and tell me about the situation, and explain that she is sorry. 6 years later, I got neither. She did finally admit that my son was not mine, but she still wont talk to me about it.

 

As much as I love her, and my kids, I think im at the end of the rope. I still believe I deserve at least some respect that she shouldnt have to lie to me about anything. She swears she doesnt lie to me, but as recent as 4 months ago, I found out she lied to me about something totally rediculous and unrelated. Still to this day I wonder if she's sorry about what she did to me, or she's sorry about getting caught.

 

In either case, I cant move forward until I know. So nows the time to either Leave, or stay. Here I am trying to do right by my wife and kids enlight of the situation, but I dont think she can do right by me.

 

Any suggestions?

[fltc]

I have to suggest you leave her, not because of what she did but because it appears from your post that you are unable to forgive her and you are unable to trust her.

 

If I read your feelings correctly I can't imagine you continuing the marriage, if I'm mistaken then please just ignore this.

[dreamingoftigers]

Get into MC.... pronto... you guys are in one unhealthy situation.

 

You are a commendable man for trying to move past this.

[karnak]

If she was sorry for what she'd done I'd probably suggest that you forgive and forget.

 

If she continues to persist in the error then I suggest you bail out. It's likely she'll cheat on you again later down the road.

 

Life taught me that when a person doesn't own to their own mistakes, sooner or later they're bound to repeat them. I know because, unfortunately, I repeated some.

[PegNosePete]

People use this word "mistake", like she accidentally tripped up and fell on his d*ck once a week for 2.5 years. It wasn't a mistake. It was a choice that she made. She chose to have sex with another guy, chose to not use protection, chose to lie about it for all this time, chose to bring her mother and sister into her lying and deception, and chose to lie on the child's birth certificate. None of that was accidental, none of it was a "mistake". It was carefully planned and orchestrated, deceitful actions.

 

If she can't own her actions then she is not sorry, and doesn't deserve forgiveness. It's admirable that you want to forgive her, but if she is not doing the necessary then you're simply a doormat. Thus far, she has not taken any consequences of her actions, so has no disinclination to repeat them. As DoT said, get to MC immediately if you want to save your marriage.

[BentSpine]

You are a commendable man for trying to move past this.

We'll have to disagree on that. In this case, to encourage the original poster to stay in the relationship is as healthy as advicing a lonely woman to seek companionship by freely staring in a porno movie. Now, back to the Original Poster: I fear he is beyond help, but miracles may happen so here goes: We teach people how to treat us through the consequences they experience. You taught her that nothing bad will happen. Actions speak louder than words. I'd also say you have a slightly warped idea of what forgiveness is: I see forgiveness as not wishing bad things will happen to the other party, abstaining from revenge. However, I hold the view that it's possible to both forgive somone while at the same time no longer wishing to be around that person anymore. Forgiveness removes the hatred, but it won't automatically rebuild trust. And without trust you have no relationship. Good luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

We'll have to disagree on that. In this case, to encourage the original poster to stay in the relationship is as healthy as advicing a lonely woman to seek companionship by freely staring in a porno movie. Now, back to the Original Poster: I fear he is beyond help, but miracles may happen so here goes: We teach people how to treat us through the consequences they experience. You taught her that nothing bad will happen. Actions speak louder than words. I'd also say you have a slightly warped idea of what forgiveness is: I see forgiveness as not wishing bad things will happen to the other party, abstaining from revenge. However, I hold the view that it's possible to both forgive somone while at the same time no longer wishing to be around that person anymore. Forgiveness removes the hatred, but it won't automatically rebuild trust. And without trust you have no relationship. Good luck.

 

I wasn't saying that the OP should be staying in the relationship, I said if he wants to save his marriage he would need to get to MC, because the marriage is so unhealthy. I also suggested that he was to be commended for trying to move past the bs she has caused in his life. Despite what must be unimaginable pain, he loves his son and is trying to do the best by his family despite the circumstances. A lot of folks jump ship over a lot less, some for next to nothing at all.

 

I would not recommend staying in a completely unhealthy or irreconcilable marriage, but it appears that he wants things to be healthy and I personally think it is better for families with children to try to change things from the inside to make it healthy again. If that can't happen, then yes, cut away the disease from your life.

[reservoirdog1]

One thing I know for sure, i know she loves you to be with you this long and probably realized her mistakes and how valuable you are to her and so she does not want to talk about it and move own for the future and not the past. She is also probably ashamed for what she has done. She is more focusing about the present not the past and since you keep bringing the situation up you keep the past alive over and over.

That sounds really nice, no doubt about it. But the bolded part is classic blameshifting.

 

He never got much of an expression of apology from her. He had to find out the truth for himself, and confront her with it, for her to come clean. The things he wanted from her (a paternity test and a genuine expression of contrition) were extremely reasonable in the circumstances, but she denied him both of those things. She generally refuses to talk about it, and when she does, she still lies.

 

This suggests to me a few things. Firstly, the extent of what happened was considerably greater than what she admitted to. Secondly, she was sorry that she got caught -- not about what she did.

 

How can he possibly be expected to put this behind him when she continues to lie to him about it, refuses to discuss it with him, and has denied him the very basic things he requested? There's only one person who's continued to draw out the consequences of her shytty behaviour, and that's her. For SIX YEARS. Trust is one of the foundations of a relationship. Where it's been damaged or destroyed by one partner's cheating, it has to be rebuilt. And that can't happen when the cheater continues to lie, conceal and clam up.

 

There are a few other reasons why she's probably continued to stay with him for the last six years, and they have nothing to do with love. (She obviously has little to no respect for him -- her continued lying, refusal to agree to his basic requests, and apparently willing acceptance of his forgiveness demonstrate that amply.) One of those is that she probably doesn't want to be a single parent. I wouldn't be surprised if she still has a piece on side. She has the best of all worlds: a husband and father to the kids who helps shoulder the burden, the illusion of a happy family unit, greater financial security, and a husband she can walk all over because she knows he'll forgive her, even on the basis of her minimal honesty.

 

Oh, and with respect to your use of the word "mistake" to describe her actions: I have to defer to what PegNosePete posted earlier on this thread:

People use this word "mistake", like she accidentally tripped up and fell on his d*ck once a week for 2.5 years. It wasn't a mistake. It was a choice that she made. She chose to have sex with another guy, chose to not use protection, chose to lie about it for all this time, chose to bring her mother and sister into her lying and deception, and chose to lie on the child's birth certificate. None of that was accidental, none of it was a "mistake". It was carefully planned and orchestrated, deceitful actions.

Edited October 27, 2010 by reservoirdog1

[KRWA1]

Thank you all kindly for the suggesstions.

 

Not as fualt or guilt or blame or to lower the standards of the situation, I try to be a fair person.

 

To end this marriage after such a long and painful situation, I truly understand that she's been through hell and back as well. Maybe not "for" me, but in her own way she has.

 

Im a visual person, and sometimes like to describe things in a visual manner. If we were to both die, and she goes to hell, and I went "somewhere" else, I would leave my current position to go find her. As stupid as it sounds, I truly do love my wife, and if MC is what the majority thinks needs to happen, then i'll give it a try. Im not fond of it, but I didnt think I'd be posting my problem on the internet either

 

Thanks again all!

[Dexter Morgan]

If she was sorry for what she'd done I'd probably suggest that you forgive and forget.

 

forget? you think you could forget the fact you are raising someone elses child?

 

he will never forget. forgiveness will be up to him.

 

problem is, she has given him a huge scar for the remainder of his life.....that is, as long as he stays with her.

[NickelbackFan]

First and foremost, i just wanted to tell you how a good person and good heart you have. Some people don't get second chances, even they are truly sorry and admit their own mistake but you on the other hand did. It shows that you truly love your wife.

 

Every person is different in showing how sorry they are because each individual are raised different. If she stays with you until now that really means that she loves you. How did she leave with herself all this lies????????????how did she sleep at night knowing your youngest child is not your own?????????????that goes back with everyone is different.

 

One thing I know for sure, i know she loves you to be with you this long and probably realized her mistakes and how valuable you are to her and so she does not want to talk about it and move own for the future and not the past. She is also probably ashamed for what she has done. She is more focusing about the present not the past and since you keep bringing the situation up you keep the past alive over and over.

 

Also, just because she is the cheater don't think that she is not hurt double times of how you feel. She probably feel so guilty and full of pain each day because of what she done. I know that's how I feel each day, "GUILT" all i want to do is nothing but do good things for my husband to make things up but theres nothing i can say or do to make it up seems like. like this weekend he was here because he had an interview with border patrol and so he spends 2 nights at my place and we went to the chargers games and made some grilled steaks. I bought the tickets for him coz i know it makes him happy his into the chargers. Love to cook for him because i know food makes him happy and still divorcing and at the same time he is telling me that when my baby is born, he will be around. Today is his last day in san diego and his going back to North carolina that is where we are station and he spent his last night at his parents house. Here I am feeling so sick and horrible and hurt coz i know the divorce is in the process and taken care of. I am beginning to realize that maybe i need to not spend more time or talk to him as much because he won't be with me anyways and already meeting girls and getting phone number from girls at the bar. saturday he meet a girl at the bar and i had to pick him up from the bar and around 230 a.m some girl was texting him, so obviously he is looking for some girl to sleep with which he promise that he was not going to hang out at a bar or drink anymore because he end up sleeping with girls when he does get drunk.

He is coming back to visit his parents on december and he said he will spend time with me too? Now do you think that it would be a good idea for me to spend time with him although we are getting a divorce???????????????????????????

My suggestions would be to seek marriage counseling, i don't know where you are from but I know a good one here in San Diego. I have been seeing a marriage counselors although i go alone it really helped me with my pain that i deal with each day and to be in a good direction. I hope this will help you.

 

oh other thing that you wanna observe, is that her action because action speaks louder than words

 

Wow Tam you can surely relate. Didn't you cheat and are pregnant with another man's child ? Wasn't it a military situation. All your posts I have read and it wreaks of "poor me", gas lighting, and blame shifting. You don't know the definition of love so I don't think you should be giving the OP any advice because you and his wife should be best friends.

[LiveWell]

OP,

 

does the military still have firing squads?

[GorillaTheater]

What is love to you?

 

It's many things. One thing it's not is screwing around on my wife.

[NickelbackFan]

yes, that's why i could definitely give an advice because i've been through it and i know how it is like. some people who has not been in the same situation

has a small brain or narrow minded or would not understand this at all.I have compassionate to others because i've been there. And yes i know the def of love. Nickelback you have not been in this situation so you have no right to tell me what and what not i cannot do. I believin change and i know people change and people change if they want too. Everyone is different so don't compare me to other person because that will make you a one way street. What is love to you?

 

What is love ? I will tell you my definition of love. It starts with the most basic component, honesty, honesty is something that is real and tangible and is what makes a relationship or marriage cohesive. Love is also respect, respect for yourself and respect for your partner. Love is compassion, sympathy, real feelings and should directed and meant for one person, that person who you dedicated your life too. That is what love is. And you don't know that I have not been there, I have a lot of life experience, especially in the Marine Corps and especially with infidelity, no I have never cheated in my life, I am a true mature adult and can overcome temptation because I am a strong person. A baby is a blessing and a baby should not suffer for your misgivings, but the actions of your infidelity had an adverse effect on many other people. Although it is only my opinion, once a cheater always a cheater. I am not going to sit here and berate you Tam about what you did, because you have to live in your own skin, cheating in itself is horrendous, but a baby involved throws a curve ball, so just make sure the baby is healthy. I also wonder how your husbands mental health is doing. Because what you managed to accomplish while he was fighting for his country, is in my opinion the worst thing you can do to a person. I would rather have my eyes poked out with hot pokers.

[Untouchable_Fire]

What is love ? I will tell you my definition of love. It starts with the most basic component, honesty, honesty is something that is real and tangible and is what makes a relationship or marriage cohesive. Love is also respect, respect for yourself and respect for your partner. Love is compassion, sympathy, real feelings and should directed and meant for one person, that person who you dedicated your life too. That is what love is. And you don't know that I have not been there, I have a lot of life experience, especially in the Marine Corps and especially with infidelity, no I have never cheated in my life, I am a true mature adult and can overcome temptation because I am a strong person. A baby is a blessing and a baby should not suffer for your misgivings, but the actions of your infidelity had an adverse effect on many other people. Although it is only my opinion, once a cheater always a cheater. I am not going to sit here and berate you Tam about what you did, because you have to live in your own skin, cheating in itself is horrendous, but a baby involved throws a curve ball, so just make sure the baby is healthy. I also wonder how your husbands mental health is doing. Because what you managed to accomplish while he was fighting for his country, is in my opinion the worst thing you can do to a person. I would rather have my eyes poked out with hot pokers.

 

Hey... what does this have to do with the original post?

 

Tambobong is the PERFECT person for OP to chat with. She could provide insight and info into his situation that he might not be able to see yet. Or maybe she can just make him feel better about things!

 

Stop Heckling someone who is just trying to share and help!

 

I may not agree with her personal choices either... but right here, right now... she is trying to help a guy, and your derailing that. Just think about it. If you want to continue on... she already has her own thread you can post in.

[GorillaTheater]

Hey... what does this have to do with the original post?

 

Tambobong is the PERFECT person for OP to chat with. She could provide insight and info into his situation that he might not be able to see yet. Or maybe she can just make him feel better about things!

 

Stop Heckling someone who is just trying to share and help!

 

I may not agree with her personal choices either... but right here, right now... she is trying to help a guy, and your derailing that. Just think about it. If you want to continue on... she already has her own thread you can post in.

 

You know, you're absolutely right.

 

Tambobong, I apologize for my part. It was a cheap shot.

[carhill]

Any suggestions?

 

Sure. You don't need her permission to test the son you are raising as your own. Check with a lawyer if you need a legal opinion.

 

Also, check with JAG and see if you can't make the CC's career a bit less lengthly and more stressful. The military takes a very dim view of infidelity amongst its ranks, especially superior/subordinate. I'll bet the CC was/is married too. Nice.

 

The clear imperative is to be proactive. Take positive steps on your own to achieve health. If your W isn't there with you, leave her behind. You took on a tough, dangerous career and have some excellent training you can use to overcome this obstacle. Get started today

[JustJoe]

Sure. You don't need her permission to test the son you are raising as your own. Check with a lawyer if you need a legal opinion.

 

Also, check with JAG and see if you can't make the CC's career a bit less lengthly and more stressful. The military takes a very dim view of infidelity amongst its ranks, especially superior/subordinate. I'll bet the CC was/is married too. Nice.

 

The clear imperative is to be proactive. Take positive steps on your own to achieve health. If your W isn't there with you, leave her behind. You took on a tough, dangerous career and have some excellent training you can use to overcome this obstacle. Get started today

Carhill is right, OP. You need to take charge and bring ALL of this out into the open. If you know who the Dad of the kid is, you need to out him to his superiors and you definitely need to contact JAG about this. Right now you are being a doormat, sorry but it's true. She is hoping that by sweeping it under the rug, it will go away. You also need to tell her that if you don't get complete honesty from her, you will walk. PROTECT YOURSELF, FIRST!!

[NickelbackFan]

Hey... what does this have to do with the original post?

 

Tambobong is the PERFECT person for OP to chat with. She could provide insight and info into his situation that he might not be able to see yet. Or maybe she can just make him feel better about things!

 

Stop Heckling someone who is just trying to share and help!

 

I may not agree with her personal choices either... but right here, right now... she is trying to help a guy, and your derailing that. Just think about it. If you want to continue on... she already has her own thread you can post in.

 

I can post in any thread that I want that is number one. And number two I was not heckling her, she answered my post and asked me a question so get your facts straight. The question is what I thought love is. So before you go running your mouth I suggest you read the posts fully. I am very much aware of her thread and bout her pregnancy, I choose not to post there for personal reasons. I don't think she should be giving advice, it is like one bank robber asking another what to do when he or she is caught red handed.

[FryFish]

OP... Get the ball rolling on all the back child support you are owed.

 

I agree that tamabongs advice is worthless.

[DonnyWhoLovedBowling]

Carhill hit it on the head. If it were me, I'd move for a divorce as soon as possible, although I do think it's commendable to try and work it out for the kid's sake. Personally, I couldn't get past knowing that I was raising someone else's child. What she did and is continuing to do (if she's lying to this day) is unforgivable. I can't imagine anything worse a wife could do.

[amerikajin]

yes, that's why i could definitely give an advice because i've been through it and i know how it is like. some people who has not been in the same situation

has a small brain or narrow minded or would not understand this at all.I have compassionate to others because i've been there. And yes i know the def of love. Nickelback you have not been in this situation so you have no right to tell me what and what not i cannot do. I believin change and i know people change and people change if they want too. Everyone is different so don't compare me to other person because that will make you a one way street. What is love to you?

 

You might have some perspective, but I don't think it's the perspective that the OP is looking for. He doesn't want to know how he can change his wife; he wants to know how he can deal with someone who won't change on her own. Got any advice for that?

 

The issue here is accountability. The wife, according to the OP, continues the same pattern of behavior that has caused him so much pain from the beginning. He expects her to be honest, and she hasn't been. She won't change. She says 'sorry' on the one hand, but doesn't want to be accountable for her behavior. The question is, what do you do when your partner doesn't accept accountability? What do you do when your partner doesn't live up to what you consider to be her end of the agreement?

 

Other than that, OP, I agree with Carhill and JustJoe. Take action. Take command.

[KRWA1]

You might have some perspective, but I don't think it's the perspective that the OP is looking for. He doesn't want to know how he can change his wife; he wants to know how he can deal with someone who won't change on her own. Got any advice for that?

 

The issue here is accountability. The wife, according to the OP, continues the same pattern of behavior that has caused him so much pain from the beginning. He expects her to be honest, and she hasn't been. She won't change. She says 'sorry' on the one hand, but doesn't want to be accountable for her behavior. The question is, what do you do when your partner doesn't accept accountability? What do you do when your partner doesn't live up to what you consider to be her end of the agreement?

 

Other than that, OP, I agree with Carhill and JustJoe. Take action. Take command.

 

Well spoken all!

 

Lets look at this from the way ive been thinking about it. Child support, though it would be nice, is not something I necessarily "need" I can raise this child as my own, even if my wife and I were to divorce. But going after him legally for child support does invite him back into "our" life in a sort, which im not really eager to let happen.

 

If...lets say this goes legal, then he "may" have the right to visit and "control" another piece of my life.

 

If...lets say I "try" to ruin his career, then his wife (yes your right he's married) and kids will suffer that action of mine. I honestly dont want to affect all of these lives for some "revenge"

 

So looking at it from this aspect.... I would like to keep him as far away from me as possible, and goes w/out saying, keep him away from my wife as well hehe.

 

Whats your thoughts on that? Thanks!

[JustJoe]

KRWA1, you can't have it both ways. Either you bring it all out into the open, and let the chips fall where they may, or you keep it under wraps, raise HIS kid as your own, forgive your wife (even though she may do this again) and assume the position. The good news is that you are the one to make the choice, the bad news is that you are the one to make the choice. You are going to get screwed regardless. So do you take it or dish it out?

[wicar1]

Almost 6 years ago, I put 2 and 2 together and found out my wife was cheating. After questioning her, and years of lying and deception and so on... I gathered that:

 

The affair lasted 2 1/2 years.

It began while I was in Afghanistan.

He was Her Company Comander back in the states (military)

Her mother and Sister helped her conceal the affair after my return.

My youngest son is not mine but his.

 

To this day we are still married (11 years now), however we are going through some EXTREMELY rough times. At the time I forgave her for this horrible mistake and deception of my son being mine. I always had a feeling he wasnt, however I love him like my oldest son. That will never change.

 

For the past 6 years we would argue about this often, mainly because I bring up the issue. I dont really care about the issue of "cheating" anymore, moreso that I just want to ensure my wife was sorry for what she did to me, not sorry that she got caught. Ususally our arguments end up in turmoil mainly because she doesnt want to talk about it. It wasnt until my son was 5 1/2 years old, and I begged her to simply tell me the truth that she finally admitted it.

 

I am not able to move on from her continuous lying about that. But what trully keeps my walls up is that, she continues to lie about the situation.

All I wanted from her after I found out was 2 things. A peternity test, and for her to come to me, and tell me about the situation, and explain that she is sorry. 6 years later, I got neither. She did finally admit that my son was not mine, but she still wont talk to me about it.

 

As much as I love her, and my kids, I think im at the end of the rope. I still believe I deserve at least some respect that she shouldnt have to lie to me about anything. She swears she doesnt lie to me, but as recent as 4 months ago, I found out she lied to me about something totally rediculous and unrelated. Still to this day I wonder if she's sorry about what she did to me, or she's sorry about getting caught.

 

In either case, I cant move forward until I know. So nows the time to either Leave, or stay. Here I am trying to do right by my wife and kids enlight of the situation, but I dont think she can do right by me.

 

Any suggestions?

 

I feel bad for you............

 

For the love of god why didn't you dump her as soon as you knew she cheated on you.... She cheats and gives birth to another guy's child.... and her mom and sister helps her in hiding it from you wtf..... the family's full of b****. You must divorce her... Most probably she's still screwing someone behind your back....

 

I think you should do a paternity test to make sure your other children are actually yours..