should I move out ?

[controlledchaos]

hi! i too am from the same religion you are. i now know why i like so many of dreamingoftigers posts!!! it's all so clear :-)

 

i wanted to recommend two books to you or your wife. perhaps you've read them. one is " the peacegiver," and the other is "bonds that set us free." ( i think that's the title. they're both very insightful on the process of forgiveness and moving forward. it sounds like your wife might need some help with that.

 

but, i'd guess there is more to her behavior than your relationship with your family and your actions regarding the incident with your brother and daughter.

 

besides your brief conversation with your bishop have you been back to talk to him? even if just by yourself? even if she doesn't want to go to marriage counseling, she might be willing to meet with you and your bishop?

 

as for addressing her letter. be as respectful of her feelings as you can be. those are HER feelings. she is entitled to her feelings, even if you don't agree with them. let her have and own her feelings, experiences and opinions. let her know you are validating how she feels, you just to work through this and save your marriage if you can. telling her she's wrong in anyway will just push her further away. there was a chance or two my mariage could have been saved ( 15 yrs/ 5 kids). and instead of my H telling me he validated my feelings, experiences, and opinions he told me via letters and face to face that i was wrong. i called them the " all the ways you suck as a human being" letters and talks. because no matter how i felt about something i was wrong for feeling that way. or i got it wrong, or i said it wrong, or heard it wrong, or read it wrong. wrong, wrong, wrong. no faster way to push a woman away.

 

regardless, i think you should have a sit down with your bishop. i meet with mine at least once a month and it feels good to do so. he's said he likes meeting with me because he likes hearing my perspective on things. which is very nice to hear after 15 yrs of being told i don't make sense or am not smart enough to understand or get it.

 

best of luck!!

[uncool]

i wanted to recommend two books to you or your wife. perhaps you've read them. one is " the peacegiver," and the other is "bonds that set us free."

 

even if she doesn't want to go to marriage counseling, she might be willing to meet with you and your bishop?

 

 

At least your husband knew what bugged you about him. At least you made your needs known to him. He sounds like a jerk always telling you it was your fault. I'm sorry for your divorce. I'm glad I'm not that way

 

yes i've read peacegiver... it's a nice story but doesnt relate to my relationship at all because we don't fight like they did in the book. We actually get along ok. The problem is that i'm not allowed to talk to her about our marriage or intimacy. It's all taboo... like I'm a pervert if I even say the word sex. Sex is wrong to her... it's nasty and bad or something. or she gives me the silent treatment or leaves the room if I even try to talk. Absolutely no communication at all. I wish I knew what her needs were... she will not tell me what they are or how to meet them.

 

Yes I've talked to the bish and she has also separately. He won't meet with us together for some reason. He says she won't reveal much to him and what little she has told him he can't discuss w/me. (everything's a freaking secret) He's basically throwing in the towel and telling me to just pray about it. She now avoids meeting with him and ignores his texts and phone calls. She again is avoiding the issue even with somebody else.

[uncool]

I get the feeling that she doesn't want me to leave her but she doesn't want me within a 50ft radius of her either. That's not the kind of marriage I want to be in. She needs some sort of wake up call. Or seriously... I'm out of here.

 

The problem isn't that I'm pushing her away... it's that she's pushing me away. I get hints pretty easy... to the extent that I'm ready to bail. She will not allow me to love her at all. She wants me but she doesn't and I'm tired of playing that game because it hurts me inside and she absolutely refuses to work on anything or talk about anything.

As for now I still have not brought up the fact that I've found the letter. Maybe after the holidays. It was our turn to have thanksgiving at my folks but I canceled it. My mother asked why but I wouldn't tell her (kinda awkward). My wife hasn't asked why... (I wish she would... so I could tell her about how I know about her feelings from the letter)

I just canceled christmas also at my folks but now she's saying how we need to go (the only reason I can think of is so she won't look stupid to my other relatives)

I've tolerated this distant relationship to long and been the "nice guy" to much and it's not working out. I need some sort of marriage policy with some teeth in it and not sure where to start the discipline. Perhaps something that no longer tolerates the game that's being played. Maybe move out to see her reaction (I think it would shock her) and each conversation she has with me about our relationship will earn her having me move back in for a few days or a weekend or something.

[dreamingoftigers]

I get the feeling that she doesn't want me to leave her but she doesn't want me within a 50ft radius of her either. That's not the kind of marriage I want to be in. She needs some sort of wake up call. Or seriously... I'm out of here.

 

The problem isn't that I'm pushing her away... it's that she's pushing me away. I get hints pretty easy... to the extent that I'm ready to bail. She will not allow me to love her at all. She wants me but she doesn't and I'm tired of playing that game because it hurts me inside and she absolutely refuses to work on anything or talk about anything.

As for now I still have not brought up the fact that I've found the letter. Maybe after the holidays. It was our turn to have thanksgiving at my folks but I canceled it. My mother asked why but I wouldn't tell her (kinda awkward). My wife hasn't asked why... (I wish she would... so I could tell her about how I know about her feelings from the letter)

I just canceled christmas also at my folks but now she's saying how we need to go (the only reason I can think of is so she won't look stupid to my other relatives)

I've tolerated this distant relationship to long and been the "nice guy" to much and it's not working out. I need some sort of marriage policy with some teeth in it and not sure where to start the discipline. Perhaps something that no longer tolerates the game that's being played. Maybe move out to see her reaction (I think it would shock her) and each conversation she has with me about our relationship will earn her having me move back in for a few days or a weekend or something.

 

Since you are her husband, it isn't up to you to discipline her in any way. I would personally suggest going onto the Divorce Buster's website. I actually talked to one of the coaches and it has helped tremendously already. She can't stop you from taking good care of yourself and it usually sends a strong message in a marriage plagued by issues. It really sounds like the two of you are really caught up in each other's crap. (You trying to placate her, and her resenting it, maybe feeling trapped into trying to forgive and move past it). When you withdraw, it allows her to see what issues are caused by you and what issues are actually hers. You are right that moving may "shock" her but it also may cause the end of the marriage because stuff like that signals "it's over" or "I can't stand you" or "I just want to embarass you."

[MarriedGuyNTennessee]

It sounds like your wife is obsessed with this whole issue. Perhaps she may also have guilt of her own over the daughter. If months of counseling aren't getting the two of you any closer to at least talking, then it is time for a new counselor. This time, both of you need to attend together.

 

There are people in this world who get so obsessed that they can only function by harboring hate and a grudge. Forgiveness is just not possible to them. Your wife may be one of these people. For her there is only punishment. No atonement is possible. No price is ever enough. She has obsessed over this for so long that it is for her no longer just your daughter, but her herself who was molested in her eyes. By the way your wife is acting about not just sex but all intimate contact with you, it would be interesting to know if she herself were ever molested as a child. If she were, then all the hate and hurt she had repressed for years would come boiling to the front at this assault on your daughter.

 

You need to be in counseling together. I feel for your plight in this, but I really doubt your wife needs anymore trauma to shock her that you disappearing would bring.

 

How has your daughter adjusted to everything? Does your wife control your relationship with her differently than with the other children?

[dreamingoftigers]

It sounds like your wife is obsessed with this whole issue. Perhaps she may also have guilt of her own over the daughter. If months of counseling aren't getting the two of you any closer to at least talking, then it is time for a new counselor. This time, both of you need to attend together.

 

There are people in this world who get so obsessed that they can only function by harboring hate and a grudge. Forgiveness is just not possible to them. Your wife may be one of these people. For her there is only punishment. No atonement is possible. No price is ever enough. She has obsessed over this for so long that it is for her no longer just your daughter, but her herself who was molested in her eyes. By the way your wife is acting about not just sex but all intimate contact with you, it would be interesting to know if she herself were ever molested as a child. If she were, then all the hate and hurt she had repressed for years would come boiling to the front at this assault on your daughter.

 

You need to be in counseling together. I feel for your plight in this, but I really doubt your wife needs anymore trauma to shock her that you disappearing would bring.

 

How has your daughter adjusted to everything? Does your wife control your relationship with her differently than with the other children?

 

The bolded are all signs of trauma, it is pretty clear from what you have posted up that she needs specific trauma therapy (check out EMDR), you probably do too.

 

I know that a hard marriage can make you feel like you have to pray minute to minute in order to survive it. If you are going to seperate from your wife, you may want to consider a Healing Seperation to sort out all of your stuff out before making a final decision. Sometimes it is hard to figure out that you can learn how to swim when you are already drowning.

[IzzyB]

I am sorryyou are going through this. Your wife's reactions and behaviors are NOT normal. My guess is that she was abused herself as a child and either does not remember it or has never dealt with it and wont admit it to herself or anyone. If this is not the case, she still has major issues. It is severe dysfunction at best to harbor such strong resentments and make your husband "pay" for 12+ years for an event that he had no control over, and more importantly, has tried to make right, since that time. SHe also appears to lack the understanding that punishing you every day for years on end is also punishing her children and teaching them how to have an unhealthy dysfunctional relationship when they grow up.

At this point, I would advise you to confront her about the letter, let her know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to heal the marriage and work with her and her feelings, BUT you will no longer tolerate her punitive behavior. If she chooses to do nothing then you DO need to move on. Her beating you down honestly serves no purpose. The children need healthy parents, and you deserve a good life and to be loved and cherished. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by exposing that you read her letter. You are trying to save your marriage and since she failed to disclose the reason for her withdrawal of love and affection, its actually a good thing that you found the letter. Your daughter suffered a terrible violation, however, your wife is continuing to perpetuate the damage to you and indirectly to the entire family. How is your daughter supposed to truly move oon when her own mother sets the example that she cant.

 

Take a stand now, no more hiding this. Its like a huge family secret - although its not the abuse thats teh secret anymore, its the wife's punishment and withdrawal resulting from an incident 12 years ago! You cant rebuild your relationship without shedding light on the whole mess, and you are the one who has to do it, she wont.

 

Time for a change.

[Lorelei69]

I can understand her pain w/regard to your brother and his actions. I can understand the transference of anger toward you and your mother - to a point. But after years and YEARS, she has created this toxic situation. This should have been dealt with a long time ago, and the amount that you have done to try and get things rolling speaks to her disinterest in actually fixing things and preferring to wallow.

 

Fell asleep while you were talking to her?

 

Wow. That's freakin cold. Done and DONE right there.

 

I couldn't agree more! Done right there.

 

Lets face it....you are the only person doing any work in this relationship. It isn't right. Stop giving and giving and giving. It devalues who you are ~ you deserve more. If it were me and I'd already tried and tried to have the conversations etc without any cooperation....I would probably write a letter letting her know you have moved out and why; left on your way out the door.

 

A letter is good because you can edit it until you are sure you're saying all the things you want to say, how you want to say them. Let her know you found/read her letter but also bullet point all the things you've tried over the years to make this work. Remind her that a marriage is a partnership. Since she refuses to be your partner, you feel you have no choice but to give her some time and space to figure out how she wants to proceed. Then let her know exactly what you expect should she decide to try and work things out and don't cheat yourself. You deserve her love and respect. You weren't the person who hurt your daughter and you shouldn't be treated like you were. Especially when she hasn't even given you the common courtesy of sharing her heartache with you to try and work through it together. If she isn't willing to be a pillar for you as you have been for her....you gain nothing by staying with her. You only lose self-respect and valuable time in finding someone who will treat you much better. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Distant78]

Dude, you kept the one guy that harmed your own seed in your life and refuse to notice your wife's pain and resentment. That's really disrespectful and degrading. Doesn't matter if you see him only once a year. It shouldn't be at all. If I was her, I would've left you a long time ago. You saw her letter and how she feels and all you care about is when you get to use her for a semen receptacle. If you'd be willing to help her through her hurt and apologize for your ignorance, then maybe the tables would turn around, but to me it sounds like it's too late. Maybe you guys should get a divorce.

[Carrot2000]

Is it possible that your wife is a victim of childhood sexual abuse? Her anger and the fact that the Bishop will not discuss certain things with you makes me wonder if her reaction is a result of some trauma she experienced.

[uncool]

Dude, you kept the one guy that harmed your own seed in your life and refuse to notice your wife's pain and resentment....... all you care about is when you get to use her for a semen receptacle. If you'd be willing to help her through her hurt and apologize for your ignorance,

Excuse me? Wow you're way off in every way. Your sick and wrong post has nothing to do with my thread.

I didn't "keep" the guy that harmed my seed. Just because his wife and kids are at a huge 100+ person family function that my family is at once a year does not mean I don't hate this bastard, doesnt mean I don't condone what he did. I do not accept this person as if he did nothing to my family. Where are you getting that I don't notice my wifes pain and resentment? Do I need to go track him down, pound his face with a baseball bat kill his wife and children and go to jail just so you people on this board understand that I don't like what he did when he was a 13yr old kid? I totally notice my wifes pain and resentment... it's like a brick wall. I notice it every day for the past 15yrs. I should apologize for my ignorance?... lol. I've been a very nice guy, been willing to help her through thick and thin don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do and I'm totally here to help her with any pain she has. She just won't tell me what it is or how I can help. Every time I try to read her mind I find out that I read it the wrong way. And just because I desire my wife to actually show me any type of affection once in a while... even a freaking hand hold or a damn kiss.... does not justify you thinking that I want my wife as a "semen receptical". Are the rest of your 500+ posts full of this type of sick degrading gross comments?

Thanks to all the mature posters in this thread. I really appreciate you.

[dreamingoftigers]

I wonder too, what in the Hell is wrong with people?

 

I must've missed the post where you said:

 

"My wife (who should let me screw her twice daily and never have anything to say about it) is really mad because I let my brother molest my daughter and now we all go on weekend fishing trips. How dare she feel that way, my sperm should go wherever it wants to!"

 

What the Hell?

 

I hope your wife is easier to reach.

[riley707]

You are too soft a male to be around her. She needs someone who can stand up on their own, for what is right and wrong.

 

Stop bumming about the house asking her for sex. She doens't see you. And given the fact that the communication skills between the two of you are poor enough to have an issue lay festering like that one for 12 years chances are there are other issues and above all, she isn't going to get over it. Period.

 

What are you doing to help yourself? Are you reading? Are you in therapy? You are sexless with a cold wife and walking around like some lost puppy dog.

 

Get some balls, find your true self and tell that woman you are a man and you want to take charge, of yourself, your life and your marriage.

[uncool]

You are too soft a male to be around her. She needs someone who can stand up on their own, for what is right and wrong.

 

Stop bumming about the house asking her for sex. She doens't see you. And given the fact that the communication skills between the two of you are poor enough to have an issue lay festering like that one for 12 years chances are there are other issues and above all, she isn't going to get over it. Period.

 

What are you doing to help yourself? Are you reading? Are you in therapy? You are sexless with a cold wife and walking around like some lost puppy dog.

 

Get some balls, find your true self and tell that woman you are a man and you want to take charge, of yourself, your life and your marriage.

I do stand up for what's right and wrong. I don't bum around the house asking her for sex. The communication skills on my end are top notch... just not her end. I just found out a couple months ago by accident about her issue festering for the past 12years or else I'd have pounced on it back then.

 

Yes I have bought myself several books over the past years and am reading the Calle Zorro program currently (the best one I've bought yet... but the program can't continue until you know the needs of your wife). No I'm not in therapy... maybe I should be if I can convince myself that I'm the one who needs it. She is against couples therapy together. She just doesn't respond well to anybody bossing her around like they own her.... I've tried and it only makes it worse.

[riley707]

Its not that your communication skills are lacking. I'm sure they are top notch, you sound pretty level headed. But the receptors on your wife's head are not in tune with you.

 

You can't say you find out about pent up resentment. If you two were on a communication level that was compatible, the resentment issue would not be there in the first place.

 

I'm saying you are soft because your wife is walking around making every excuse in the book not to deal with you. She in fact, is so weak in her heart that she wants YOU to say you need a divorce so she can let some of this pent up guilt off her chest.

 

By making you the bad guy, she actually feels better about her repressed anger, in a sense it validates the burden she's been carrying alone all these years.

 

Here is a suggestion. I know this will be hard. But tough love is hard. Do a 180 and start doing stuff for yourself. Go out. Go to a movie. Get new hobby. Anything to take your mind off of her. Show her that you are a man and can do things on your own. She can come with you and enjoy life with you, or she can stay on her side of the bed and sulk.

 

And don't ask her about going out. Say to her, "...listen, I met this group of guys on the internet that go out and talk [ name your hobby here] and we're meeting up this Friday. Just want to give you notice that I'm out that night so don't make plans." See how this sits, and then do it over and over and over again.

 

She'll get the idea that you are working on yourself, and maybe, just maybe she will see it as a hint that she too needs to work on herself.

[uncool]

Here is a suggestion. I know this will be hard. But tough love is hard. Do a 180 and start doing stuff for yourself. Go out. Go to a movie. Get new hobby. Anything to take your mind off of her. Show her that you are a man and can do things on your own. She can come with you and enjoy life with you, or she can stay on her side of the bed and sulk.

 

And don't ask her about going out. Say to her, "...listen, I met this group of guys on the internet that go out and talk [ name your hobby here] and we're meeting up this Friday. Just want to give you notice that I'm out that night so don't make plans." See how this sits, and then do it over and over and over again.

 

She'll get the idea that you are working on yourself, and maybe, just maybe she will see it as a hint that she too needs to work on herself.

I've been doing just this for a little while now. Since my wife rarely accepts the invitation to go out on dates with me I've been to several movies alone this past year. She seems fine with it. She takes the kids to movies without inviting me... so she seems to be fine w/me going alone. I have a large group of friends who like to go out on big group couple dates. We mini-golf, bowl, laser tag, slick track, bumper boats... etc. They invite me and my wife. I know my wife absolutely hates going out w/me... so I go stag while 6 or 8 of my friends all bring their wives. Several of my friends wives are friends with my wife. They ask where she is and their jaws drop when I tell them she's home watching TV. My wife doesnt seem to mind at all that I go alone... in fact I think she likes it. My friends joke that they should bring a date for me next time. They kind of quit inviting me because they think it's awkward. But at least I have fun.

 

For christmas I got us 2 tickets to see her favorite college basketball team. When it came time to leave she said "nah you go ahead"... I'm going to some church craft party with some ladies that she was just invited to. So I gave the tickets away to a friend so he could take his wife.

Last month out of the blue I got up in the morning and went fly fishing to montana with a new group of guys I just met. (I just dove in to this new hobby just the last few months) I didn't give my wife any notice ... I just got up at 6am and left for 5-days... she seemed fine with it.... didn't bother her a bit and she didn't call me on my cell once while I was gone. She said she was glad I had a good time.... nothing more.

I'd kind of like to meet some woman who likes to hang out... just so I could have somebody to hang out with. Would that be cheating?

Edited January 1, 2011 by uncool

[dreamingoftigers]

I've been doing just this for a little while now. Since my wife rarely accepts the invitation to go out on dates with me I've been to several movies alone this past year. She seems fine with it. She takes the kids to movies without inviting me... so she seems to be fine w/me going alone. I have a large group of friends who like to go out on big group couple dates. We mini-golf, bowl, laser tag, slick track, bumper boats... etc. They invite me and my wife. I know my wife absolutely hates going out w/me... so I go stag while 6 or 8 of my friends all bring their wives. Several of my friends wives are friends with my wife. They ask where she is and their jaws drop when I tell them she's home watching TV. My wife doesnt seem to mind at all that I go alone... in fact I think she likes it. My friends joke that they should bring a date for me next time. They kind of quit inviting me because they think it's awkward. But at least I have fun.

 

For christmas I got us 2 tickets to see her favorite college basketball team. When it came time to leave she said "nah you go ahead"... I'm going to some church craft party with some ladies that she was just invited to. So I gave the tickets away to a friend so he could take his wife.

Last month out of the blue I got up in the morning and went fly fishing to montana with a new group of guys I just met. (I just dove in to this new hobby just the last few months) I didn't give my wife any notice ... I just got up at 6am and left for 5-days... she seemed fine with it.... didn't bother her a bit and she didn't call me on my cell once while I was gone. She said she was glad I had a good time.... nothing more.

I'd kind of like to meet some woman who likes to hang out... just so I could have somebody to hang out with. Would that be cheating?

 

It would open a door into a messy situation that is already at the peak of vulnerability.

 

Your relationship is in total emotional divorce. Talk to one of the Divorce Busting coaches, seriously dude. Make sure that when you walk, you have done it all. It does sound like you are going to have to walk, which is unusual when the spouses are still living together in an uneasy truce like this one.

 

I believe that marriage is forever as well.

[uncool]

How old was your daughter at the time? I see that your brother was 13. What exactly did he do? You posted that he fondled her.

 

Several of the posters here seem to be responding to you as if they think your 13 yo brother raped your infant daughter and that is not what I am gathering from what you have posted. But you haven't posted enough specifics for me to know what happened.

 

He was 13 and he fondled her. How old was she? What do you mean he fondled her?

 

I am sure this is hard to think about for you. I wouldn't want to think about it either. But I don't get some of the extreme posts here that others are making and I think they are acting so extreme because they think your brother raped an infant or something that extreme.

Sure I guess I can expound if that will help you all give me suggestions on how to improve my marriage.

My daughter was around 2 or 3 I think. She's almost 16 now and doubt she remembers anything... at least she hasn't mentioned anything or ever acted or behaved out of the ordinary. She's a wonderful well behaved beautiful girl and an honor roll student with very high morals. I'm a proud father. The perpetrator brother used his hand only (no genitals) to explore the area (at least from what he confessed) and no penetration occurred. (not trying to sugar coat it ... just saying rape did not occur) My other brothers daughter was around the same age and was there and involved also. The 13yr old brother confessed to my father a few months later who promptly told me then I told my wife. Law enforcement was contacted and a social worker was sent to my home to visit with my wife while I was at work. Law enforcement interviewed him and did not file charges and nothing went on his juvenile record. My pedophile brother is "not all there" so to speak. I wouldn't call him retarded but he's slow and operates on the level of an 11yr old even though he's 27 now with a wife and kids.

 

All this chit-chat about my daughter and brother is just background info.

I started this thread to get ideas on how to get a bond going with my wife and to perhaps find a way to introduce intimacy back into my marriage and maybe find some ways to have my wife crave her husband like she did when we dated. When we dated she could not keep her hands off me.. Then the wedding cake mysteriously put an end to her libido and it's only been getting worse especially the past 3-years. 10-months ago I asked my wife why she didn't want to be close to me any more. Her response was "I don't know"... and from there I was drifting and had absolutely no clue as to what the hell was going on. So I turned up the heat was dead set on romancing her according to the $100 calle zorro "how to get your wife back" program which requires you to know your wifes needs so you can identify and resolve resentment.. then I got stuck... because she wouldn't tell me her needs nor why she resented me. Then I found her secret letter. Now I'm on this forum.

Edited January 2, 2011 by uncool

[dreamingoftigers]

Sure I guess I can expound if that will help you all give me suggestions on how to improve my marriage.

My daughter was around 2 or 3 I think. She's almost 16 now and doubt she remembers anything... at least she hasn't mentioned anything or ever acted or behaved out of the ordinary. She's a wonderful well behaved beautiful girl and an honor roll student with very high morals. I'm a proud father. The perpetrator brother used his hand only (no genitals) to explore the area (at least from what he confessed) and no penetration occurred. (not trying to sugar coat it ... just saying rape did not occur) My other brothers daughter was around the same age and was there and involved also. The 13yr old brother confessed to my father a few months later who promptly told me then I told my wife. Law enforcement was contacted and a social worker was sent to my home to visit with my wife while I was at work. Law enforcement interviewed him and did not file charges and nothing went on his juvenile record. My pedophile brother is "not all there" so to speak. I wouldn't call him retarded but he's slow and operates on the level of an 11yr old even though he's 27 now with a wife and kids.

 

All this chit-chat about my daughter and brother is just background info.

I started this thread to get ideas on how to get a bond going with my wife and to perhaps find a way to introduce intimacy back into my marriage and maybe find some ways to have my wife crave her husband like she did when we dated. When we dated she could not keep her hands off me.. Then the wedding cake mysteriously put an end to her libido and it's only been getting worse especially the past 3-years. 10-months ago I asked my wife why she didn't want to be close to me any more. Her response was "I don't know"... and from there I was drifting and had absolutely no clue as to what the hell was going on. So I turned up the heat was dead set on romancing her according to the $100 calle zorro "how to get your wife back" program which requires you to know your wifes needs so you can identify and resolve resentment.. then I got stuck... because she wouldn't tell me her needs nor why she resented me. Then I found her secret letter. Now I'm on this forum.

 

Oh so, you aren't just a total whiny douchebad sitting back and demanding sex from your wife:rolleyes:

[Zodiac23]

Uncool, I totally understand where you are coming from. My situation is a little different than yours, as in I do not have the abuse baggage that your wife is secretly holding against you from what I have read. I have been married almost 12 years to my high school sweetheart, we have 2 kids, and early on in our relationship everything was great. We had fun together and our sex life was outstanding. The last 6 years or so not so much. I would say we are currently having sex once every 3 months or so. Right now our kids are at the grandparents house and have been for 5 days and I have seen my wife naked for all of 5 seconds and that only happened because I walked in the bathroom while she was getting in the shower. I love my wife very much and have tried many times to figure out what is going on or how to fix the problem but she never gives a straight answer. So, like I said above I totally understand how you are feeling in regard to not having much if any physical or emotional closeness.

[dreamingoftigers]

Uncool, I totally understand where you are coming from. My situation is a little different than yours, as in I do not have the abuse baggage that your wife is secretly holding against you from what I have read. I have been married almost 12 years to my high school sweetheart, we have 2 kids, and early on in our relationship everything was great. We had fun together and our sex life was outstanding. The last 6 years or so not so much. I would say we are currently having sex once every 3 months or so. Right now our kids are at the grandparents house and have been for 5 days and I have seen my wife naked for all of 5 seconds and that only happened because I walked in the bathroom while she was getting in the shower. I love my wife very much and have tried many times to figure out what is going on or how to fix the problem but she never gives a straight answer. So, like I said above I totally understand how you are feeling in regard to not having much if any physical or emotional closeness.

 

 

dude, go 180 on her.

[Zodiac23]

As you can see I am new to LS so if you could please give a little more detail as to what you mean when you say "go 180 on her".

[uncool]

I couldn't agree more! Done right there.

 

Lets face it....you are the only person doing any work in this relationship. It isn't right. Stop giving and giving and giving. It devalues who you are ~ you deserve more. If it were me and I'd already tried and tried to have the conversations etc without any cooperation....I would probably write a letter letting her know you have moved out and why; left on your way out the door.

 

A letter is good because you can edit it until you are sure you're saying all the things you want to say, how you want to say them. Let her know you found/read her letter but also bullet point all the things you've tried over the years to make this work. Remind her that a marriage is a partnership. Since she refuses to be your partner, you feel you have no choice but to give her some time and space to figure out how she wants to proceed. Then let her know exactly what you expect should she decide to try and work things out and don't cheat yourself. You deserve her love and respect. You weren't the person who hurt your daughter and you shouldn't be treated like you were. Especially when she hasn't even given you the common courtesy of sharing her heartache with you to try and work through it together. If she isn't willing to be a pillar for you as you have been for her....you gain nothing by staying with her. You only lose self-respect and valuable time in finding someone who will treat you much better. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

excellent post thank you and I'm sorry for not seeing it until now. You're right... I'm giving to much.

I have stayed up for hours many nights drafting several copies of different letters. I have a "pissed off" letter, an "i'm leaving you" letter, and a nice "I'm leaving" letter... all drafted up and ready to go. I've written her letters in the past and got zero response. I think she threw them away without reading them cause I have no reason to believe they were ever read.

But I love your post... it gives me some good ideas to some "exit" sentences on my way out the door. My problem is that my home office is located here and would be hard to move all my equipment out.. but I suppose I could.

 

Is it possible that your wife is a victim of childhood sexual abuse? Her anger and the fact that the Bishop will not discuss certain things with you makes me wonder if her reaction is a result of some trauma she experienced.

who knows

 

I wrote a post a little farther up with some advice. I hope you try it out and let me know what happens.

your advice states to "make" her listen. This doesn't work with her because she'll get up and leave the room usually. When she finally agreed to listen to me she just layed on the couch in silence and would not respond and may have fallen a sleep... I'm not sure.. but it was like I hadn't even spoken the next day... she just acted really annoyed the next couple days

 

I want to kick her.

how much do you charge?

 

Talk to one of the Divorce Busting coaches

I forked out $150 and talked to some highly decorated relationship counselor over the phone last month. She had degrees from various universities. The end result was that I needed to shrug it off and learn to be happy no matter what and quit being bothered by it. So I'm not really excited to waste more money.

 

Oh so, you aren't just a total whiny douchebad sitting back and demanding sex from your wife:rolleyes:

I'm beginning to wonder ...

 

Uncool, I totally understand where you are coming from. My situation is a little different than yours, as in I do not have the abuse baggage that your wife is secretly holding against you from what I have read. I have been married almost 12 years to my high school sweetheart, we have 2 kids, and early on in our relationship everything was great. We had fun together and our sex life was outstanding. The last 6 years or so not so much. I would say we are currently having sex once every 3 months or so. Right now our kids are at the grandparents house and have been for 5 days and I have seen my wife naked for all of 5 seconds and that only happened because I walked in the bathroom while she was getting in the shower. I love my wife very much and have tried many times to figure out what is going on or how to fix the problem but she never gives a straight answer. So, like I said above I totally understand how you are feeling in regard to not having much if any physical or emotional closeness.

Last time I saw my wifes beautiful body was several years ago. If I was you and had an extra $100 laying around I'd blow it on a program at marriedandhappy dot com that will resolve your particular situation if you can actually get your wife to let you know her needs... this will turn it around for you and tell you how to get your wife interested in you again. I bought this program but it won't work for me until I get over my wife's unique "needs" hurdle.

Edited January 3, 2011 by uncool

[dreamingoftigers]

Uncool, how goes the stalemate?

[Distant78]

Excuse me? Wow you're way off in every way. Your sick and wrong post has nothing to do with my thread.

 

It has everything to do with this thread. To say you aren't selfish is an understatement.

 

I didn't "keep" the guy that harmed my seed. Just because his wife and kids are at a huge 100+ person family function that my family is at once a year does not mean I don't hate this bastard, doesnt mean I don't condone what he did.

 

If you really gave a crap you wouldn't be around him at all. It's that plain and simple.

 

I do not accept this person as if he did nothing to my family. Where are you getting that I don't notice my wifes pain and resentment? Do I need to go track him down, pound his face with a baseball bat kill his wife and children and go to jail just so you people on this board understand that I don't like what he did when he was a 13yr old kid?

 

Nobody asked or demanded that you kill him and his wife and children. But dammit if you really cared you would stay away and take care of the resentment she's been feeling, not begging for a 10-minute nut.

 

I totally notice my wifes pain and resentment... it's like a brick wall. I notice it every day for the past 15yrs. I should apologize for my ignorance?... lol. I've been a very nice guy, been willing to help her through thick and thin don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do and I'm totally here to help her with any pain she has. She just won't tell me what it is or how I can help.

 

You've been noticing it all these years, but aren't doing anything to solve it. You've known her resentment and how she feels and all you do is ignore her. No wonder she's pissed. Just divorce her so she can find someone else that loves her.

 

Every time I try to read her mind I find out that I read it the wrong way. And just because I desire my wife to actually show me any type of affection once in a while... even a freaking hand hold or a damn kiss.... does not justify you thinking that I want my wife as a "semen receptical". Are the rest of your 500+ posts full of this type of sick degrading gross comments?

Thanks to all the mature posters in this thread. I really appreciate you.

 

Gross comments? What the hell are you whining about? How about YOU be mature and do the right thing, instead of trying to make her do what she doesn't want to do. Divorce her so she can be truly happy. She doesn't deserve the type of hypocritical, bounding treatment you're giving her.