amazinglywow Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 so i wanted to know some insights from mainly the guys here. but girls do help! why is it that my bf doesn't work out our problems, big or small. he just leaves it as it is, and then we just make up, maybe 2 nites later, with a sorry. i just don't know what to do anymore. it aggravates me at times. i'm trying to understand him, but how can i? he doesn't communicate. i don't wanna mess up and hurt his feelings and learn from that. i don't wanna hurt his feelings to begin with. what should i do, what should i say, etc... to get him to open up slowly? and NO! i don't wanna leave him. he's great. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 excellent superlative handle! can you give a specific example? an incident might help demonstrate the dynamic between you two. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Try telling him that YOUR feelings are hurt and you are upset and would like open communication with him, or a reason he does not feel he can trust you with his feelings. You say you make up later with an I'm sorry. Don't 'make' up until you have both discussed it and you are both satisfied with the answers. You are contributing (enabling) this behavior by accepting the "I'm sorry's" as the end of the misunderstanding or problem. How is he supposed to know what you want or feel unless you tell him. And I don't mean tell him what behavior you want from him, but about your feelings and how it makes you feel about certain situations. If my spouse doesn't tell me I won't know, and if I don't tell my spouse either, then nothing will change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazinglywow Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 jenny.... there's so many examples to give, where to start... it doesn't matter. its in every arguement we've ever had. Errol, i try not to make up till we had some sort of communication. but the communication is always one sided. i tell him how hurt i was, my feelings, etc. and he stays silent. what do i do? Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Okay. This is potentially serious. If he keeps this up, it'll push you away. It's more or less what happened in my relationship, I was in your BF's position, I didn't really make any attempt to deal with things. You need to tell him how you feel about what he does and how he does it, or what he DOESN'T do, more importantly. And don't just downplay it, tell him the full truth, tell him that it really bothers you when he doesn't attempt to fix problems, he just blows them off and apologizes. He's in a comfortable pattern, he won't change until he gets smacked upside the head, literally or figuratively. He needs a wakeup call. I'm not saying you need to leave him, but he needs to realize what he's doing otherwise he WILL NOT CHANGE. If all else fails, have me talk to him. I don't want others to fall into the trap I fell into. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazinglywow Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 UCFKevin, sorry to say, i've done all that. i've tried everything. and i'm in desperate need, its been like this for 16 months. and i've been tryin since our very first arguement. i feel so hopeless. i don't know what to do, where to turn. and i don't want to lose him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazinglywow Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 he says that just not him. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 I admire you for not throwing in the towel! Once the "I'm leaving if else..." statement is made, it usually crumbles eventually. Think long term and listen to what he IS saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazinglywow Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 i wouldn't think of throwing in the towel, cause i have been tryin to read inbetween the lines of his silence. and i'm the one doing all the changing for the better in this relationship. but when will i be at peace? Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazinglywow Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 in need of desperate help here! i don't know what else to do, i feel like i've tried everything possible. i feel like i'm being walked all over on. and yet i don't want to leave him. i'm such a fool. its been 4 days, since our silly arguement he won't work out, and i don't miss him. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 think of it like this... a problem is like a pimple. at first it's small, barely noticable. but you see it. then you pull out the mirror that has 300% magnification and it's bigger and bigger, then you start picking at it. the next day you wake up and it's HUGE! eventually it fades away. if you love the guy and you stated he's great. then quit looking at the pimple and quit picking at it. just be glad you have a face. however, you don't have to change your face just because you got a pimple. and for Pete's sake, if it's a silly argument, just forget about it. There's a lot of single people on loveshack that would love to have their relationships back, but walked out because of SILLY ARGUMENTS or STUPID MISUNDERSTANDINGS. I know, I'm one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazinglywow Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 i'm not the one hooked on this silly arguement, he is. he wont talk to me. the 'pimple' story makes sense. i'd like to think of it that way. but why does he not wanna talk, why does he want me to change?? Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Do you think you need to change? So what if he doesn't talk to you. Enjoy the silence and read a good book. Eventually, he'll get tired of his own act. My Dad does this to my Mom about once a year. He sulks and dries up. She just picks up a nice romance book and dreams for a while. Eventually when he comes around, she's ready to make up and make love. Too many of us take a small pimple and turn it into a crater on the face. Act like his "act" doesn't matter. Too many of us don't just shrug our shoulders and say, "So." Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 It sounds like there's nothing left for you to do, to be honest. He doesn't want to change, it seems. What DO you talk about? How does he act when he's around you? I'm very envious of the way you're being about this. I wish my ex fought for me as much as you are with him. Very impressive. It's just a shame he's taking that for granted. I'm serious. PM me and have me email him if it comes to that. I'll scare the dude straight. I'll let him know what he has in store for him if he doesn't straighten up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazinglywow Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 well i think everyone could change for the better. and in relationships, you help each other grow, which i gues is a change. i don't know maybe he has me brainwashed, that i still need to change. i ask him like what are the things i need to change. he says, figure it out yourself. so i'm thinking maybe i hurt him in an aweful way, but i can't think of it. i always apoligize if i have been wrong or hurtful but this time, no clue. and because he doesn't communicate, a lil part of me is scared that he'll get fed up with all this and leave me. afterall its been 4 days. and he's a guy that doesn't ever come running back. in our relatinship or any of his past relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Then don't wait around for him. It's not your fault he doesn't communicate. Never EVER think that. It's his problem. Something HE has to work on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazinglywow Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 UCFKevin, your funny! i don't think he'd listen to a stranger. no offense. i have no problem gettin insights from others. its love what holds me on to him. he acts wonderful around me. does so much for me. a true prince with lies. what would you say in the email to him? Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Don't worry about that. Just know that if whatever I said didn't work, there would be no hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazinglywow Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 the reason why i'm not giving in to the whole email thing. is cause i've tried it through one of his friends and my cousin. he's very defensive. usually all his friends are on my side. that i'm more reasonable. but i guess, its that just him, and i got to accept that he's stubborn. thanks for you help though, i appreciate it, as well as the other posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazinglywow Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 it's his problem he doesn't communicate, but i'm in this relationship too. i don't want to be like him, i don't just want to sit back. i want us to work things out. the first step iwould be to help him communicate. i want to be there for him, unlike him. unless he asks for me not to help him through it, i'll respect that. but to communicate it takes two or more. and i'm in this relationship with him... i should just give in, forget about the communication problems. and if he leaves me, i guess he leaves me. =/ Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Doing nothing is doing something. Sometimes people give us the cold shoulder to get a response. If he gets responses and pleas, then you are rewarding his behavior. Maybe, this is just a guess. I don't know him, but I still think I would pick up a good romance novel, take a warm bubblebath and light candles for myself. There's that old adage, smile, it makes them wonder what you are up to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazinglywow Posted March 4, 2004 Author Share Posted March 4, 2004 NEONINK, maybe your right. i might just be rewarding his behavior. i've done everything possible but sit back and do something of my interest. at times, i wonder if he even thinks what i'm up to or if he does miss me when we're in a situation like this. cause i've seen/heard him have a great time even during our worst arguements. i don't want him to stay home and sob over it. but when he's having too much fun, it makes me wonder, if he cares on fixing the relationship, and how he truly feels for me. i'm just afraid, he won't come back to me, unless i crawl back to him, with, i dunno, another apology over this silly arguement? how many times can i really apologize? if i do call, i don't know what to say anymore. he doesn't work on our problems, he's just gonna think my feelings are a lecture to him. so its useless, and i don't want things to go back to normal as if it never happened. at the moment he's just being ridiculous for not talking to me over something small. so yea, i'll sit back and enjoy this beautiful weather we're finally getting here alone with just friends. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Strength is more attractive than weakness. Most everyone is attracted to the strong and not the weak. By constantly apoligizing for something you didn't do or something not your fault, you appear weak. Of course, he might not come back. There are no guarantees, but be a good person, loving and kind, gentle and caring, compassionate and passionate, sexy, nice, quality, personable, smart, and strong, and you will win. If you have to grovel, is it really love anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazinglywow Posted March 4, 2004 Author Share Posted March 4, 2004 Originally posted by NEONINK If you have to grovel, is it really love anyway? i really what you said! but yea i agree, strength is attractive, thanx so much! i appreciate it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazinglywow Posted March 5, 2004 Author Share Posted March 5, 2004 so i finally broke up with my bf. i can't take this crap from him any longer. its been 16 months of no communication from his part... why would it change all of a sudden right? i'm not gonna go through this 20 more times. so i hope its final. he's nothin but selfish. he says "i want you in my life" and here i am puttin up with all his crap for 16 months. i've changed for the better and get sh*t in return. and i was still tryin to work it out, he's nothin but silent. not even tryin to work it out. i'm nothin but a fool. i have this feeling i'm gonna do what i alwayz do, run back to him.. i gotta have will power right? i'm thinkin of disconnectin my phone. he knows where i live, ... but all he can do is stand outside. i'll take the back dorr out, right? or move and start over? my parents would love that. ugh, i want him permanently out of my life, not even the memories. i want the bad to outweigh the good. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts