Separated MMs

[maravilla]

My MM is separated. (He wasn't when we first got together but then he left.) For many reasons, because he's not divorced yet, we are still undercover:

 

-His wife knows about me but we don't want to rub our relationship in her face.

-I've told a few of my friends and family members about MM but not most of them.

-He's told a few of his friends, and his sister, about me but not other friends. He said he thinks his sister told the rest of his family but he's not sure.

-We don't advertise our relationship around our co-workers etc. But his business partners in his company know he is separated and some of them know we're together. Everyone at my company thinks I'm single.

 

For those reasons we're not a public couple yet and this in-between time is hard on me. When we're together, which is often, or with the people who know about us, it feels like we're a real couple. We get along great and everything is fine. But when we hide our relationship it feels so strange.

 

MM has never really 'hidden' me, I mean, from the beginning we've gone out and about, where people could see us, and he never seemed worried that people would see us. Sometimes they have actually seen us and he hasn't cared. Lately he's started being more 'public' about things- meeting me outside my office and trying to give me hugs and kisses etc., and telling more of his friends about me and having us hang out. Is this normal? I told him we need to stay under wraps until everyone including his wife knows he's separated/divorcing/divorced. I don't want to stay undercover but it doesn't feel right to come out right now before his divorce is underway at least. This time is just so confusing because it feels like we're not a total affair (although I know we still technically are) but we're not a total real couple (even though MM always acts like we are).

 

Is anyone else here with a separated MM? Do you experience this too? I feel happy that he left and we're together but anxious to move on to when we can be a real couple.

[Pokemon]

I am exactly where you are at. He and his wife are separated now but not yet divorced. I've met his Dad, his best friend, and a few of his colleagues know about me but I'm a secret to the rest of the world.

 

I'm at a spot where I just left him, I think it's healthier for both of us, and his divorce issue needs to be resolved or it will just create more resentment and hard feelings that will ruin a very good relationship.

 

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable for leaving, as he has made progression by leaving his wife. But what I know is I can't take it anymore, the questioning, the paranoia if he's leaving the door still open, etc.

[Confused4Now]

My MM is separated. (He wasn't when we first got together but then he left.) For many reasons, because he's not divorced yet, we are still undercover:

 

-His wife knows about me but we don't want to rub our relationship in her face.

-I've told a few of my friends and family members about MM but not most of them.

-He's told a few of his friends, and his sister, about me but not other friends. He said he thinks his sister told the rest of his family but he's not sure.

-We don't advertise our relationship around our co-workers etc. But his business partners in his company know he is separated and some of them know we're together. Everyone at my company thinks I'm single.

 

For those reasons we're not a public couple yet and this in-between time is hard on me. When we're together, which is often, or with the people who know about us, it feels like we're a real couple. We get along great and everything is fine. But when we hide our relationship it feels so strange.

 

MM has never really 'hidden' me, I mean, from the beginning we've gone out and about, where people could see us, and he never seemed worried that people would see us. Sometimes they have actually seen us and he hasn't cared. Lately he's started being more 'public' about things- meeting me outside my office and trying to give me hugs and kisses etc., and telling more of his friends about me and having us hang out. Is this normal? I told him we need to stay under wraps until everyone including his wife knows he's separated/divorcing/divorced. I don't want to stay undercover but it doesn't feel right to come out right now before his divorce is underway at least. This time is just so confusing because it feels like we're not a total affair (although I know we still technically are) but we're not a total real couple (even though MM always acts like we are).

 

Is anyone else here with a separated MM? Do you experience this too? I feel happy that he left and we're together but anxious to move on to when we can be a real couple.

I was a MM who left my marriage....in hopes of being with my xMW. I left in March '08....when I left. I already had talked to an attorney and when I moved out in April of that year she was already served. I'm kinda concerned as you made it sound like it's just separation. Why has he not started the paperwork? Is it a trial separation? When I left I wanted to be done with it as soon as possible. My divorce took 16 months cause I disclosed to my exW that there was another woman. It just complicated things and definitely extended the process.

 

All I can say is be careful....he might be just testing the waters with you and leaving you as his option. His W might also think he's just going through a phase since he hasn't started the legal stuff yet. I can assure you once she has been serve YOU will know for sure.

[maravilla]

I am exactly where you are at. He and his wife are separated now but not yet divorced. I've met his Dad, his best friend, and a few of his colleagues know about me but I'm a secret to the rest of the world.

 

I'm at a spot where I just left him, I think it's healthier for both of us, and his divorce issue needs to be resolved or it will just create more resentment and hard feelings that will ruin a very good relationship.

 

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable for leaving, as he has made progression by leaving his wife. But what I know is I can't take it anymore, the questioning, the paranoia if he's leaving the door still open, etc.

 

I can so relate. I feel like it's so hard that I can't take it but then I think of all he's done to be with me.

[maravilla]

I was a MM who left my marriage....in hopes of being with my xMW. I left in March '08....when I left. I already had talked to an attorney and when I moved out in April of that year she was already served. I'm kinda concerned as you made it sound like it's just separation. Why has he not started the paperwork? Is it a trial separation? When I left I wanted to be done with it as soon as possible. My divorce took 16 months cause I disclosed to my exW that there was another woman. It just complicated things and definitely extended the process.

 

All I can say is be careful....he might be just testing the waters with you and leaving you as his option. His W might also think he's just going through a phase since he hasn't started the legal stuff yet. I can assure you once she has been serve YOU will know for sure.

 

These are all good questions, that bug me.

 

I do think that if he was sure he wanted a divorce, he would just go get one. How hard can it be?

 

It seems that you were more sure and quick about things than my MM is being.

 

He's been separated for a month. He says he's sure he wants to get divorced. Sure he wants to be with me. He said he wanted his wife to file because it's easier that way. I said ewww, I didn't like that because he was the one who wanted out so he should do it, and plus if it's left in her hands it might never get done. After awhile he said I was right and he was beginning to realize that she was never going to want to get divorced even though she knows about me. She is waiting for him to get over it I guess. So he said he knows he needs to file and even though it's hard he'll do it. He went to a lawyer and is providing his lawyer with paperwork from his CPA.

 

He hasn't given me any kind of a timeline as to when he is going to file. I feel certain that if I pressed him or demanded one from him, he would give me one, and he would stick to it. He tells me he needs encouragement. My problem is is that I feel yucky encouraging him to divorce his wife. Yes I participated in an affair with him and yes I want to be with him but I don't want to do it for him or make him do it. I only want him to do it if he's sure. He tells me he's been done with the marriage for a long time in his mind. So why is it so hard for him to be officially done with it, without needing prodding from me? Am I wrong in thinking this way?

 

He did tell me that he is going to have a thanksgiving dinner with his kids at his parents' house and then his kids will have another thanksgiving dinner with their mom with her family. So by then everyone will know they are separated. I thought this was progress and I know it must be hard but it is draining me emotionally. I don't know what to do. What do you recommend, confused4now?

[maravilla]

I should add the following, in his defense, confused4now. He did move out, got a short-term lease and was saying he was looking for a more permanent place. I have an acquaintance who mentioned she was going to start renting her house out because she moved away, and I passed this info on to MM. He was pretty insistent about me introducing him to her (via email) and then he followed up with her and asked her for info. about the place and to look at the place. It won't be available until after thanksgiving but he has his short-term lease place until then.

 

I do think he was testing the waters a bit and now that he likes the water he is moving into deeper territory (from short-term lease to longer lease?). I do feel that he wants to be with me. Yet I feel that he hesitates, and then does things when I take the lead. He has looked at a few other places but I don't think he would have considered anything seriously until I sent him the email from my friend with the house to rent out. I think he looks at it as me saying, please do this so we can be together, and he likes that. The more I help him, the more sure he is that I'm here for him. Is that crazy? Is it going to backfire? I should have your username because I feel really confused!

[whichwayisup]

He wants her to file? Hello..Red flag.

 

Do they have children? If so, then that's an issue too, something that neither of them are ready to do, divorce.

 

I take it he's told you he's leaving/divorcing to be with you? If he is/was truly ready to leave his marriage, he would just do it, like confused did, reguardless of who's waiting for him afterwards.

 

You need to talk to him and find out exactly what's going on. And, how long you intend on waiting for him.

[UntoldStory]

If he is/was truly ready to leave his marriage, he would just do it, like confused did, reguardless of who's waiting for him afterwards.

 

What WWIU said.

[maravilla]

He wants her to file? Hello..Red flag.

 

Do they have children? If so, then that's an issue too, something that neither of them are ready to do, divorce.

 

I take it he's told you he's leaving/divorcing to be with you? If he is/was truly ready to leave his marriage, he would just do it, like confused did, reguardless of who's waiting for him afterwards.

 

You need to talk to him and find out exactly what's going on. And, how long you intend on waiting for him.

 

Yes, he said he wanted her to file, but when I pointed out that that may never happen (and was unfair), he agreed and stated that he will file. Then he went to see a lawyer and that's where things are now.

 

He's asked me if filing separation papers would be enough. I don't understand why he would file separation papers instead of divorce papers? Where we live, separation isn't required before a divorce. I understand it would be moving in the direction of a divorce, but I don't know if it means we could be a real, public couple. If his wife is okay separating and having him date me, then why wouldn't she just file for or insist on divorce? So I'm assuming he wouldn't tell her about me if they just filed for separation. I expressed these concerns to him and he said he's ready to file for divorce. Not separation, divorce.

 

Yes, he's said he's leaving to be with me. At other points he's said he's decided that he's ready to get divorced whether or not I'm there for him on the other side. He will meet someone else if I'm not there for him. Then at other times he's said that if we break up he may go home and try to work on things with his wife, and that he would renew his vows with her. It's like he's all over the map! How can he be talking to me about renewing his vows with his wife when he always says he wants to be with me and he's getting divorced and he hasn't felt married to his wife for a long time? I guess his back-up plan is to renew his vows with his wife. I guess, I have no idea. I tried to ask him about that and he said he just meant that whatever happens he is going to put his whole heart and commitment into it and never cheat again. I guess I can understand that he hasn't been putting effort into his marriage for a long time and that if we don't work out and he goes home, he is going to really try, and he is going to stay faithful instead of finding another OW. But it also made me feel like he was saying, 'whichever one of you I choose, I am going to really love the right way.' Or it actually felt more like he was saying, 'I want to be with you but it's taking awhile and if you get tired of me and we don't work out then I will go back home and really be with my wife the right way.' That's really what it felt like he was saying and I felt like ewww.

 

I know you say to talk to him but I feel like I've talked to him ad nauseam and I still don't understand. That's what led me here, to try to understand what is even going on and if it's normal. He says I think too much and should just relax and let us be us and let things progress as they progress. He says he needs encouragement and support.

 

Maybe he is giving me the go-around. He says and acts so convincingly about wanting to get divorced, yet he hasn't filed. And I don't feel comfortable forcing him to or holding his hand too much while he does it. Is that wrong of me, should I be more supportive? I'm starting to question everything I do and don't do and everything he does and doesn't do, and it feels awful.

 

Yes, they have teenaged children. He has just started bringing them to his place instead of going to their house or picking them up and taking them out and bringing them back. He says his son wants to stay with him three nights a week and his wife agreed to this. He is going to have his lawyer draw this agreement up into the paperwork. (But honestly I don't know if he means separation or divorce paperwork.) I feel like a nag when I question him. Like such a downer. He always acts caring and answers my questions and doesn't seem annoyed but I start to wonder why I even have to ask them and what he would be doing if I weren't asking? And then the things he says conflicts with other things. He always says he wants to be with me and love me but he is inconsistent or non-committal about how ready he is to get divorced, how long it will take, and what he would do if we don't work out (I guess he just doesn't know that part and it shouldn't matter because we are together).

 

Honestly sometimes I just want to step away and see what he does on his own, like pokeman is. But I think he will see that as me backing out and not loving him anymore. I knew this wasn't going to be a bed of roses but I didn't count on being so confused.

[maravilla]

If he is/was truly ready to leave his marriage, he would just do it, like confused did, reguardless of who's waiting for him afterwards.

 

I should add, on this point, that even though he often says he's done with his marriage either way and has been for some time, that it seems to me that in reality he is ready to leave his marriage if and only if he is sure I'll be here for him. (It's rather counter-productive because all of this conflicted talk and action is making me not want to be there for him. )

 

If I said I was done with him, I'm almost positive he'd go back to his wife. He hasn't given me any signs of going back to her, such as going back home (except to see his kids) or talking to her much and he hasn't told me he's unsure. But his non-action and pleas for encouragement shows me he's unsure about divorcing her if I'm not there for him. Is this a bad thing? I mean, he does want to be with me and that requires getting divorced. I don't really have a problem with him getting divorced to be with me but I'm not understanding why he doesn't just do it, then.

 

If I said I need a break until he is further along the process of divorcing, I'm not sure what he'd do. I think he would go ahead and progress with divorce as long as he knew I was still there waiting to be with him. But he wouldn't know that without checking in on me. I've asked for breaks before and he always asks me my thoughts and whether I'm still into him and before long we're back to normal. I guess if I want to take a break I need to strictly enforce it. Which is hard for me to do for some reason, I guess because I love him and miss him when we're not together. And also because I don't really want a break, I'm not sure what to do, I just know that I'm not happy with the current situation and I'm not sure how long it will last.

 

If I held his hand on the way to the courthouse and helped him fill out the paperwork and found him a place to live or asked him to live with me, I'm pretty sure he'd do it. I kind of feel like that's what my questioning and whining does: makes him do the things he wouldn't be doing otherwise. And that's what's annoying me. I do want him to get divorced, and I understand if the reasoning is to be with me, but I want him to be sure and to do it on his own, although yes I'm here to be with him and want to be with him for real. I don't understand why that's so hard for him to be able to grasp.

[jwi71]

I do think that if he was sure he wanted a divorce, he would just go get one. How hard can it be?

 

It isn't hard - in fact, its insanely EASY.

1) Go to lawyer

2) Ask lawyer to file for D

3) Done

 

He's been separated for a month. He says he's sure he wants to get divorced. Sure he wants to be with me. He said he wanted his wife to file because it's easier that way.

 

His lawyer recommended this? Can I ask what legal advantage he gains by doing so? How is it easier? Easier for whom?

 

I mean, I can't think of a legal benefit for choosing to be the respondent in a divorce...in Texas, its actually a detriment. Can you shed any light on that? If not...ask him what is specifically easier - because it doesn't seem easier for YOU.

 

(Although it IS easier to go back)

 

 

I said ewww, I didn't like that because he was the one who wanted out so he should do it, and plus if it's left in her hands it might never get done. After awhile he said I was right and he was beginning to realize that she was never going to want to get divorced even though she knows about me. She is waiting for him to get over it I guess. So he said he knows he needs to file and even though it's hard he'll do it. He went to a lawyer and is providing his lawyer with paperwork from his CPA.

 

So he has his tax advice and provided the CPA's opinion to his D lawyer. Those are very prudent steps for him to take. Albeit seemingly nonsensical. Think about it a second...he spends money on his CPA to decipher the tax effects of D. He then passes this to his lawyer who will (presumably) draft a divorce decree including the CPA's advice and opinion.

 

And then NOT file it.

 

Huh?

 

He hasn't given me any kind of a timeline as to when he is going to file. I feel certain that if I pressed him or demanded one from him, he would give me one, and he would stick to it.

 

Then do so.

 

Why would you choose to go through this? If you have the influence to dictate a time line then do so. Look, he IS leaving FOR YOU. You can't whitewash it. Stop playing "half-sies" with wanting and encouraging D and then letting him NOT file. Its patently stupid. Tell him he files for D by Monday or he's history. He doesn't NEED long because he already knows his M is dead and he really wants you....right?

 

Otherwise...since you are choosing to allow this to be (by not demanding a time line) then stop whining about it. If you won't stand up for you...who will?

 

He tells me he needs encouragement. My problem is is that I feel yucky encouraging him to divorce his wife. Yes I participated in an affair with him and yes I want to be with him but I don't want to do it for him or make him do it. I only want him to do it if he's sure. He tells me he's been done with the marriage for a long time in his mind. So why is it so hard for him to be officially done with it, without needing prodding from me? Am I wrong in thinking this way?

 

WTF

 

He is certain he wants to be with you and you are certain you want to be with him and NOBODY can FILE?

 

He can't file and you keep telling him to D "only if he's sure".

 

You gotta be kidding me. This is true love? <<shakes head>>

 

He did tell me that he is going to have a thanksgiving dinner with his kids at his parents' house and then his kids will have another thanksgiving dinner with their mom with her family.

 

If everyone knows about you why aren't you going?

Let me ask you this...what family members have you been introduced to as "his girlfriend"? And his W for 100% certain knows you are his romantic soon to be bride right?

 

So by then everyone will know they are separated. I thought this was progress and I know it must be hard but it is draining me emotionally. I don't know what to do.

 

Im confused. I thought he MOVED OUT...how does his family not know? And he told his sister right? And she told everyone right? Why would he move out and NOT tell his family - I mean, even just for their emotional support?

 

This doesn't pass the smell test.

 

What should you do? Dunno. I guess maybe get him to define what encouragement is and do that. One last question...when does what you want and your feelings take precedence of his xW? That's another one to ask him.

[siuys]

I met MM almost 9 months ago, he moved out approx 6 months ago. Our R or A is still a secret. Not to my family and friends, but to his. At the beginning he was all crazy in love and had asked me to move in with him (which would have meant the whole world knowing). I didn't go for that as I suspected he didn't know what he was doing, and he didn't. I believe if he truly wants to leave his M, there is no point in adding more hurt to the equation. And it wouldn't help my potential R with his kids by being the evil witch.

 

Truth is, I manage the whole thing week by week now. I can't make him file for D or anything for that matter. I can only assess the R based on our actions, and how we feel about each other. I don't believe that all will be good once he gets a D, or once everyone knows about us. I think he's simply not there yet. I let the R grow organically. As long as it's growing, and we are having a good time most of the time, I let it be for now. I do have a deadline for myself. Come February I think I will take stock, and make a decision. I will talk to him then. He needs to be separated a year before he can file anyway. I think a R with a separated MM is very challenging and his D or whether or not you're a secret is only a small part of the big picture. I sometimes question if it's worth it at all...

[maravilla]

Thanks for the very honest advice jwi71.

 

 

 

His lawyer recommended this? Can I ask what legal advantage he gains by doing so? How is it easier? Easier for whom?

 

I mean, I can't think of a legal benefit for choosing to be the respondent in a divorce...in Texas, its actually a detriment. Can you shed any light on that? If not...ask him what is specifically easier - because it doesn't seem easier for YOU.

 

(Although it IS easier to go back)

 

I didn't mean his lawyer recommended to let her file. Just that he said it was easier that way. I asked him what he meant and he said that he doesn't want a messy divorce, he wants her to be okay with it and for it to be her idea. Then when I pointed out that that isn't going to happen, he agreed and said he'd file.

 

So he has his tax advice and provided the CPA's opinion to his D lawyer. Those are very prudent steps for him to take. Albeit seemingly nonsensical. Think about it a second...he spends money on his CPA to decipher the tax effects of D. He then passes this to his lawyer who will (presumably) draft a divorce decree including the CPA's advice and opinion.

 

And then NOT file it.

 

Huh?

 

Ok it didn't happen like this. He went to the lawyer first. The lawyer needed his records such as earnings, real estate, etc. So he went to his CPA to get these records, to give to his lawyer. That's what I meant. Sorry for any unclarity.

 

Then do so.

 

Why would you choose to go through this? If you have the influence to dictate a time line then do so. Look, he IS leaving FOR YOU. You can't whitewash it. Stop playing "half-sies" with wanting and encouraging D and then letting him NOT file. Its patently stupid. Tell him he files for D by Monday or he's history. He doesn't NEED long because he already knows his M is dead and he really wants you....right?

 

Otherwise...since you are choosing to allow this to be (by not demanding a time line) then stop whining about it. If you won't stand up for you...who will?

 

 

I don't want to make him get divorced. I fear he may resent me later. He says he wants to do it, so I think he should do it without me having to force him or give him an ultimatum. I would honestly rather walk away than give him an ultimatum. Maybe this doesn't make sense but it's how I feel.

 

 

 

If everyone knows about you why aren't you going?

Let me ask you this...what family members have you been introduced to as "his girlfriend"? And his W for 100% certain knows you are his romantic soon to be bride right?

 

Ahh I guess I'm not writing very clearly. I don't mean that everyone knows about me. Some people know he is separated, some people (fewer) know about me.

 

I know his wife knows about me because she called me and talked to me. I don't know if she knows the extent of us. She knows he had an affair with me and then he moved out. I can't guess at what she is thinking about romantic soon to be bride or anything like that; I'm sure he says as little as possible about me so as not to hurt her more.

 

I haven't been introduced to any of his family members. Honestly I don't want to be until divorce paperwork is filed. That would be too awkward. I've been introduced as his "girlfriend" to several of his close friends, who we hang out with.

 

He says he told his sister he moved out and then he told her about me (two separate conversations). He says this is the same as telling his family and that she said she would help him by letting his family know. I think this is stupid, he should just tell his family himself, but, I guess he feels too bad to do that right now.

 

I don't feel it would be right to attend thanksgiving dinner with his kids even if everyone knew about me. I don't think I should be around his kids until he's divorced. Again it's just how I feel about things; things need to be more concrete before we go bringing his kids into it.

 

 

Im confused. I thought he MOVED OUT...how does his family not know? And he told his sister right? And she told everyone right? Why would he move out and NOT tell his family - I mean, even just for their emotional support?

 

This doesn't pass the smell test.

 

Okay obviously his immediate family knows he moved out, his wife knows about me, his kids don't. I'm not sure why he hasn't told the rest of his extended family, except for his sister. I think he's partly ashamed of his actions and afraid of their reaction. He said they all like his wife and of course would want him to stay with her and keep the family together.

 

What should you do? Dunno. I guess maybe get him to define what encouragement is and do that. One last question...when does what you want and your feelings take precedence of his xW? That's another one to ask him.

 

By encouragement he means that he wants me to stick by him even though it's hard and to tell him that everything will be okay and we'll end up as a real couple, and to help him find a place to live and listen to him etc. I understand all of that but just want him to do it on his own too.

 

Good question about his wife. I know he doesn't want to hurt her feelings and he said she will take divorce very hard. But it's necessary if he wants to be with me. I don't want to whitewash it but I also don't want to make him to do something he isn't ready to do. I think if he isn't ready by now then I need to just take a break until I can see that he is ready on his own, which may never happen. Because I just don't feel comfortable making him file for divorce.

[maravilla]

I met MM almost 9 months ago, he moved out approx 6 months ago. Our R or A is still a secret. Not to my family and friends, but to his. At the beginning he was all crazy in love and had asked me to move in with him (which would have meant the whole world knowing). I didn't go for that as I suspected he didn't know what he was doing, and he didn't. I believe if he truly wants to leave his M, there is no point in adding more hurt to the equation. And it wouldn't help my potential R with his kids by being the evil witch.

 

Truth is, I manage the whole thing week by week now. I can't make him file for D or anything for that matter. I can only assess the R based on our actions, and how we feel about each other. I don't believe that all will be good once he gets a D, or once everyone knows about us. I think he's simply not there yet. I let the R grow organically. As long as it's growing, and we are having a good time most of the time, I let it be for now. I do have a deadline for myself. Come February I think I will take stock, and make a decision. I will talk to him then. He needs to be separated a year before he can file anyway. I think a R with a separated MM is very challenging and his D or whether or not you're a secret is only a small part of the big picture. I sometimes question if it's worth it at all...

 

I'm so glad someone else understands what I'm feeling. And this is pretty much exactly how I feel except that I'm not really okay with just letting it go and seeing what happens. I can't reconcile that with his insistence that he is ready to get divorced. I keep thinking, well maybe he'll file tomorrow, and then he doesn't, so, I'm just deluding myself I guess, although he makes a convincing case for being ready, without actually doing it. Maybe I'm impatient, on the one hand yes divorce is hard and it takes time. But on the other hand, like confused4now pointed out, if he was really ready this whole time he's been saying he's ready, he would have done it. He's told me he wants to get divorced and be with me for months now. I don't understand it.

 

I so agree with you about him not knowing what he's doing. I feel like he's swept away into some kind of cloud and not in touch with reality. I don't think he's trying to purposefully hurt me but by saying one thing and doing or not doing another, and by making conflicting statements, he shows me that he's not as sure as he says he is. And then I feel guilty. I already feel guilty about the affair but I thought that if he fell in love with me and wanted to be with me then it would all be worth it. Now like you I question if it's worth it because I feel guilty like I'm prying him away from his family when he's the one who said he wanted to leave. Sure, if he didn't leave I wouldn't have stayed with him but that's just the way it has to be. I need him to make a decision and stick by it but it's like he's half-made a decision.

 

I also agree with you about not wanting to hurt his wife any more than is necessary and not causing stuff with her and the kids etc. I mean, we were laying pretty low before he left home and now he left home yes but he hasn't filed for divorce so I don't feel it's a proper relationship yet. I don't think we should just start acting like we're together when he hasn't wrapped things up with her yet.

 

Thank you for responding to me, I'm going out of my mind with all these different thoughts and it helps to know I'm not alone.

[siuys]

Hi Maravilla, it is hard to let go and see what happens. But sometimes that is all you can do unless you choose to end it. When you think about it, we all get frustrated because we are here, but we want to get there now. Life just isn't like that. Easy to grasp the concept, hard to live by.

 

Sounds like your guy want to be ready but in reality not quite there yet. If you have a good connection, have a heart to heart and try to take it slower. How long as he been separated? Actions speak louder than words, if he is ready, he will file. But in the meantime, if he is treating you as a valued girlfriend, it's already a lot. He has feet of clay. He won't be able to the consistent and reliable yet. Not by a long shot - my feelings anyway.

 

I find the book 'How to survive your boyfriend's divorce - loving your separated man without losing your mind' by Robyn Todd very helpful. Maybe something for you?

 

I understand what you're going through, and it's a tough, long road ahead. Will you be able to go the distance? Do you trust what you have will see you through this rough patch? I ask myself these questions. And the answer is depends on which day it is!

 

As long as he's still married, you won't have a 'normal' relationship. And as long as he is not ready emotionally, you won't have a 'normal' relationship either. I try to see it as it is, and accept the limitations for now. I have also let go of what it 'should' be because he is separated, not single and unattached. It will NEVER be normal. Not now anyway.

 

Hang in there.

[maravilla]

Thanks, siuys. He's only been separated for about a month.

 

Perhaps I need to be more patient. He just sent me a text message (randomly, we had been texting now and again today about different things, but not his divorce, and he didn't know I was on this site of course) saying that he is meeting with his divorce lawyer on Friday.

 

I do feel he is doing things to reassure me of his love and to let me know he's headed towards divorce. I don't know why I over-analyze everything and worry so much.

 

Thanks for the book recommendation, sounds helpful.

[maravilla]

Siuys and others,

 

I wanted to add that these are my fears. That he is just testing the water and will go home and my heart will have been dragged all about in the meantime. I'm not sure how rational of a fear this is because I do feel that he wants to be with me as long as I'm here for him. I feel that it's hard on him but that he will do what he needs to do to be with me, just maybe not in my timeline without me forcing it, which I don't want to do. But still the worry is there that he can go back home at any time, until he is divorced. (Well, I guess even then, but I'm pretty sure I would stop worrying about it by then!)

 

Another fear is more rational I think. That more people will start to know we're together and it will affect my professional reputation as we work in the same filed and everyone in our industry knows us, especially him. So everyone knows I'm with this married man and then if he doesn't get divorced I will have caused myself a lot of grief for nothing. This thought really gets to me because I think, if I don't want most people to know what I'm doing, then why am I doing it? Just thinking about that makes me feel like ending it for now, but that's easier said than done. Maybe I shouldn't care what people think about me and maybe I'm a hypocrite for covering up things I don't want other people to know about. But it's certainly on my mind. I can't deny that.

 

Another fear is that he will resent me for making him leave his family. No way to know if this will happen until we're further down the road. But it seems that he hesitates to do things without my help, and I don't want to be blamed for helping him later on if it doesn't turn out like he thinks or if he has a lot of bad feelings he takes out on me. I feel this is irrational and I shouldn't think about it because it hasn't happened and I can't imagine him doing this to me. But who knows right.

 

Lastly there's the possibility that I'm a soft landing. But again there's no way to know until it would happen, and I feel that he is very much in love with me and doesn't want anyone else.

 

I can put most of these fears to rest except the one about acting inconsistently with how I want to be acting. I don't want to be OW anymore and I still am, with the goal of not being OW anymore. I feel like I'm just treading through this muddy place and I can't wait to get to the other side. Thanks for listening.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, he said he wanted her to file, but when I pointed out that that may never happen (and was unfair), he agreed and stated that he will file. Then he went to see a lawyer and that's where things are now.

 

Do you know 100% for sure he's seen the lawyer, or has he just told you he is going to.

 

He's asked me if filing separation papers would be enough. I don't understand why he would file separation papers instead of divorce papers?

Oh man, another HUGE red flag.

 

 

Where we live, separation isn't required before a divorce. I understand it would be moving in the direction of a divorce, but I don't know if it means we could be a real, public couple. If his wife is okay separating and having him date me, then why wouldn't she just file for or insist on divorce?

 

Because then if you two don't work out, he can run back home and work things out with his wife. RED FLAG again.

 

This guy doesn't want to be alone.

 

Do you know how unhealthy it is to end a marriage, all that history, family and friends entwined, a life they created together, to just throw it all away and BOOM, step straight into a new life with someone else so soon? People need time to grieve that life, to be alone and heal.

 

So I'm assuming he wouldn't tell her about me if they just filed for separation. I expressed these concerns to him and he said he's ready to file for divorce. Not separation, divorce.

 

Time will tell..

 

Yes, he's said he's leaving to be with me. At other points he's said he's decided that he's ready to get divorced whether or not I'm there for him on the other side. He will meet someone else if I'm not there for him. Then at other times he's said that if we break up he may go home and try to work on things with his wife, and that he would renew his vows with her. It's like he's all over the map! How can he be talking to me about renewing his vows with his wife when he always says he wants to be with me and he's getting divorced and he hasn't felt married to his wife for a long time? I guess his back-up plan is to renew his vows with his wife. I guess, I have no idea. I tried to ask him about that and he said he just meant that whatever happens he is going to put his whole heart and commitment into it and never cheat again. I guess I can understand that he hasn't been putting effort into his marriage for a long time and that if we don't work out and he goes home, he is going to really try, and he is going to stay faithful instead of finding another OW. But it also made me feel like he was saying, 'whichever one of you I choose, I am going to really love the right way.' Or it actually felt more like he was saying, 'I want to be with you but it's taking awhile and if you get tired of me and we don't work out then I will go back home and really be with my wife the right way.' That's really what it felt like he was saying and I felt like ewww.

 

Yeah ewww. Listen to your gut here. RED FLAG again!

 

I know you say to talk to him but I feel like I've talked to him ad nauseam and I still don't understand. That's what led me here, to try to understand what is even going on and if it's normal. He says I think too much and should just relax and let us be us and let things progress as they progress. He says he needs encouragement and support.

 

If you pressure him and keep pushing/asking for a D, he eventually will do nothing, which is possibly what he's doing now.

 

Doesn't sound like a man who is really ready to walk away and divorce.

 

Maybe he is giving me the go-around. He says and acts so convincingly about wanting to get divorced, yet he hasn't filed. And I don't feel comfortable forcing him to or holding his hand too much while he does it. Is that wrong of me, should I be more supportive? I'm starting to question everything I do and don't do and everything he does and doesn't do, and it feels awful.

 

So, why not tell him goodbye for a while until he offically files and you see proof of it. Focus on you and your life and not be so wrapped up in his. Notice how it's ALL about him. Get used to that.

 

Yes, they have teenaged children. He has just started bringing them to his place instead of going to their house or picking them up and taking them out and bringing them back. He says his son wants to stay with him three nights a week and his wife agreed to this. He is going to have his lawyer draw this agreement up into the paperwork. (But honestly I don't know if he means separation or divorce paperwork.) I feel like a nag when I question him. Like such a downer. He always acts caring and answers my questions and doesn't seem annoyed but I start to wonder why I even have to ask them and what he would be doing if I weren't asking? And then the things he says conflicts with other things. He always says he wants to be with me and love me but he is inconsistent or non-committal about how ready he is to get divorced, how long it will take, and what he would do if we don't work out (I guess he just doesn't know that part and it shouldn't matter because we are together).

 

Something feels off here. Also, I hope you aren't around when his kids are. Not saying you are, but whatever you do, don't push that, to meet them etc..

 

Honestly sometimes I just want to step away and see what he does on his own, like pokeman is. But I think he will see that as me backing out and not loving him anymore. I knew this wasn't going to be a bed of roses but I didn't count on being so confused.

 

So do just that. Back off and leave him be to sort out what he truly wants. Does he just want an affair? Is he saying one and doing another? time will tell with actions.

 

I should add, on this point, that even though he often says he's done with his marriage either way and has been for some time, that it seems to me that in reality he is ready to leave his marriage if and only if he is sure I'll be here for him. (It's rather counter-productive because all of this conflicted talk and action is making me not want to be there for him. )

Saying that and meaning it - Doing something about it is another.

 

He'll only leave if you are there for him. Doesn't sound like a man ready to walk away from his wife and family life. Sorry..

 

If I said I was done with him, I'm almost positive he'd go back to his wife. He hasn't given me any signs of going back to her, such as going back home (except to see his kids) or talking to her much and he hasn't told me he's unsure. But his non-action and pleas for encouragement shows me he's unsure about divorcing her if I'm not there for him. Is this a bad thing? I mean, he does want to be with me and that requires getting divorced. I don't really have a problem with him getting divorced to be with me but I'm not understanding why he doesn't just do it, then.

 

All the more reason to slow things down. He doesn't seem to be madly inlove with you, to move heaven and earth to be with you. He's OK with the status quo, you or his wife, or someone else AS LONG AS HE ISN'T alone. Red flags flappin' in the wind. Again!

 

If I said I need a break until he is further along the process of divorcing, I'm not sure what he'd do. I think he would go ahead and progress with divorce as long as he knew I was still there waiting to be with him. But he wouldn't know that without checking in on me. I've asked for breaks before and he always asks me my thoughts and whether I'm still into him and before long we're back to normal. I guess if I want to take a break I need to strictly enforce it. Which is hard for me to do for some reason, I guess because I love him and miss him when we're not together. And also because I don't really want a break, I'm not sure what to do, I just know that I'm not happy with the current situation and I'm not sure how long it will last.

This is sad and must make you feel insecure. The trust isn't there, probably due to the fact it's been an affair and he's being undecisive, not being honest with you.

 

This screams heartache all over..Sorry.

 

If I held his hand on the way to the courthouse and helped him fill out the paperwork and found him a place to live or asked him to live with me, I'm pretty sure he'd do it. I kind of feel like that's what my questioning and whining does: makes him do the things he wouldn't be doing otherwise. And that's what's annoying me. I do want him to get divorced, and I understand if the reasoning is to be with me, but I want him to be sure and to do it on his own, although yes I'm here to be with him and want to be with him for real. I don't understand why that's so hard for him to be able to grasp.

 

Don't do that. He is a grown man and needs to do this on his own.

 

Back off of the D talk and see what happens in the next month. Pressuring him and asking him constantly is only going to push him away.

Thanks, siuys. He's only been separated for about a month.

 

That isn't long at all. Ofcourse he isn't ready to decide NOW if a D is going to happen.. A D might happen if his wife knew the truth though.. but he doesn't want her to know about you! back up plan all around, this guy has it made either way. How selfish is he!!!!

 

Perhaps I need to be more patient. He just sent me a text message (randomly, we had been texting now and again today about different things, but not his divorce, and he didn't know I was on this site of course) saying that he is meeting with his divorce lawyer on Friday.

 

See if he'll show you any papers on Friday. Proof.

 

Yes be patient, but let's say if a year goes by and this is still on going, or even a 5-6 months, then you need to decide if this guy is worth the hassel.

 

I do feel he is doing things to reassure me of his love and to let me know he's headed towards divorce. I don't know why I over-analyze everything and worry so much.

 

This has to happen in his time frame. He is the one married, the one who has to tell family and friends, talk to the kids, sort things out. The house, the money aspect, etc.. All that isn't easy and even more so since he isn't 100% he wants to D in the first place.

 

Shield your heart.

[siuys]

Maravilla, I'm in a bit of a hurry so will read your recent post later and respond. If he's only been separated for a month, be very patient and work on your strength in dealing with what is to come because he WILL be unstable. Every case is different but a month or two into my MM's separation, he became very unstable and at one stage wanted to give his M another go. That lasted something like a week. He had, and still has A LOT of guilt issues, mourning, self doubt, failure issues, judgment issues to deal with. it's pretty huge so hang on for the rough ride ahead. My MM told me many times that despite all of that, his feelings deep down for me did not change. I didn't believe it because every time he had a dip, i thought it would be going back to his W, or ending our R.... long story short go slow, keep your sanity, give him space, buy the book! Good luck.

[Pokemon]

Um. I think you are in murky waters there.

 

When my MM first moved out to his friend's place, he visited a divorce lawyer and stuff, then said the same thing, "want her to file first", which makes no sense. After 2.5 months, still no action. Then he got the guilts and went back to work it out with his wife. This is a HUGE possibility and you have to be prepared for that.

 

To me, part of me missed his presence then, but a bigger part of me was relieved the ride was over. NOT. His "working it out with the wife" lasted a whole of 3 weeks. After a few good days, she chewed him out for the affair, demanded him to write a check for the amount he spent on me, phone records, STD tests, etc. It drove him insane. Everybody saw that coming Except for him. Idiot..

 

Then he ran back to me for the next 3 months, and that's where we are now. No action for divorce. He made me a promise and deadline to file by Oct 31, but 2 weeks ago told me he couldn't do it.

 

I don't know what the reason is (he changes his excuse everytime). Sometimes it's the kid, sometimes it's the wife. I asked him if I left him, would he go back to the wife. He said no, he wanted to be alone and is depressed. So I left him, and he still is sitting alone.

 

As far as I know, his relationship with his wife has gone down the toilet. The humiliation, betrayal and deception cannot be overcome. The wife's friends and family ALL know he left for a younger woman. What I don't know is why he won't divorce. If it's financial, he sure isn't telling me about it. I know he cuts a check to his wife every month, after expenses, he's left with a 300-400 / mth and has to reach into savings.

 

As for myself, I'm taking time away from him to re-determine my life goals without him. I cannot put my career and romantic goals on hold because of him. I deserve a shot at a happy marriage, and if someone cuter, single, successful came along tomorrow, I will cut off all strings in less than a heartbeat.

 

You have to figure tht out for yourself too. There's no way I'm becoming that old spinster who gave up her life for a MM.

[maravilla]

Do you know 100% for sure he's seen the lawyer, or has he just told you he is going to.

 

I'm not sure. In fact my gut tells me he's only been speaking with the lawyer on the phone (they know each other in a professional context; referrals and such) and that he is going to meet with him on Friday for the first time. Because previously he told me that he was GOING to meet with him, and then he said he talked to him and he needs such and such paperwork and so then he went to his tax guy (also his friend) to get his paperwork, but he had to tell the tax guy it was to refinance his house because the tax guy is a gossip and he doesn't want everyone knowing his business. Now he just told me he's meeting with the lawyer on Friday. So putting two and two together I gather that he only spoke with him on the phone after telling me he was going to meet with him (granted he never specifically told me he DID meet with him in person... only that he was going to, and then that he talked to him, and later he mentioned that the lawyer called him from the courthouse on his cell phone... ahh I hate that I always have to second-guess what is really going on because I feel like he gives me part of the info. and not all of it. Not saying he lies to me but he tells me what I want to hear and then he spins words so that the positive is emphasized and the negative is not mentioned.)

 

After he told me he talked to the lawyer, I asked him if he asked about custody arrangements. He said yes and that the lawyer said the three day a week plan was good to establish shared custody. I asked him whether his children get a say in it and he said yes, they would have court-ordered sessions with a mediator who would decide what was in their best interest. I thought it was weird that I had to ask him about this because he had been worried about seeing his kids enough. I also thought his answer was kind of conflicting. I feel like I'm super suspicious and paranoid and question everything he says. I don't know if I'm doing that to guard my heart or because I think he's not telling me everything up front and instead just giving me pieces of the truth as we go along. Whatever the reason, I hate being this way.

 

 

Because then if you two don't work out, he can run back home and work things out with his wife. RED FLAG again.

 

This guy doesn't want to be alone.

 

This is true, he doesn't want to be alone for sure. I feel that he wants to be with me but if we don't work out he'll go home with his wife. And if she doesn't want him he'll find a new partner as soon as possible. I know and feel that he loves me but I almost feel like he loves me too much, so that it's needy.

 

Do you know how unhealthy it is to end a marriage, all that history, family and friends entwined, a life they created together, to just throw it all away and BOOM, step straight into a new life with someone else so soon? People need time to grieve that life, to be alone and heal.

 

I guess I didn't think of that as unhealthy. I have thought that he needs time to deal with this on his own and grieve, with me in the picture but not with him clinging to me like this. I was hoping that now that he's having his son over three nights a week that that would give us some more appropriate space and distance and him time with his kids instead of me.

 

 

 

If you pressure him and keep pushing/asking for a D, he eventually will do nothing, which is possibly what he's doing now.

 

Doesn't sound like a man who is really ready to walk away and divorce.

 

Why do you say he will do nothing if I pressure him? I feel that's the only way he might do something, at least for quite awhile. Why do you say it doesn't sound like he's ready to divorce... because he hasn't filed? It's strange because I feel that he does want to be with me and knows that requires divorce, but he isn't ready to get divorced, but he will if I push him because he doesn't want to lose me. I feel like he's very conflicted about getting divorced but instead of sharing that with me he makes it seem like he's very confident about that decision, without actually doing anything (yet).

 

 

 

So, why not tell him goodbye for a while until he offically files and you see proof of it. Focus on you and your life and not be so wrapped up in his. Notice how it's ALL about him. Get used to that.

 

 

To be fair I should say that he is very supportive of me. My career, my interests, a medical condition that I have. He's very loving and interested in my life. But that's as long as he's totally entwined in it. If I were to step away and live my own life and only talk to him now and again while he figures his stuff out, he might not be as interested in me. I mean at first he would chase me but then I think he would start considering going back home because part of why he likes me is that we are so wrapped up in each other and I am basically at his beck and call. I don't mean to sound mean about him but that's how I'm feeling. Perhaps if I told him I wanted a break and really meant it, he would prove me wrong and let me have my breathing room because he loves me. It's the weirdest thing because with all of this going on I still know that he really does love me.

 

 

 

Something feels off here. Also, I hope you aren't around when his kids are. Not saying you are, but whatever you do, don't push that, to meet them etc..

[/quote}

No, I'm not ever there when he's with his kids. I've met them in social/professional contexts before we started our affair and saw them in that same context a couple times during the affair but I have gone out of my way not to see them since (which is easy since he's never at those events with his wife&kids anymore). I don't want to meet them in this context until he is divorced, even though he would want me to. I feel like that would be too confusing for them and not right.

 

 

 

 

He'll only leave if you are there for him. Doesn't sound like a man ready to walk away from his wife and family life. Sorry..

 

 

But if I'm here for him, he is ready. At least that's how it feels.

 

All the more reason to slow things down. He doesn't seem to be madly inlove with you, to move heaven and earth to be with you. He's OK with the status quo, you or his wife, or someone else AS LONG AS HE ISN'T alone. Red flags flappin' in the wind. Again!

 

This concerns me sometimes but then I think, why is it so bad that he doesn't want to be alone? Am I missing something? I can understand not wanting to walk away from all that he has (even though he says his marriage is bad, but, he does have this pre-existing life and house and family) unless he knows it's for love and that I'm going to be there.

 

 

 

Don't do that. He is a grown man and needs to do this on his own.

That's my feeling exactly and what I was trying to express to jwi. I don't want to make him do it or hold his hand too much. I keep thinking that this is what he's been saying he wants to do, so why is it so hard to just do it.

 

Back off of the D talk and see what happens in the next month. Pressuring him and asking him constantly is only going to push him away.

I would like to be able to do this and will try. I hate feeling in the dark. I haven't said anything about it lately because I just got tired of always questioning and feeling like a nag. And that's when he was insistent that he be put in touch with my friend with the house (and he just now sent a text saying he is going to look at it this weekend and that a lot is happening fast... so that's good), and when he told me he's going to see the lawyer on Friday, etc. So maybe you're right, if I'm patient and not pushy then I'll see what he is really going to do.

 

That isn't long at all. Ofcourse he isn't ready to decide NOW if a D is going to happen.. A D might happen if his wife knew the truth though.. but he doesn't want her to know about you! back up plan all around, this guy has it made either way. How selfish is he!!!!

 

See if he'll show you any papers on Friday. Proof.

 

Well she does know about me. I don't know the extent of what she knows other than she knows we had an affair and she knows he moved out. I agree though that it's selfish for him to keep both of us as back-up plans. He needs to pick a camp and stay in it.

 

 

Yes be patient, but let's say if a year goes by and this is still on going, or even a 5-6 months, then you need to decide if this guy is worth the hassel.

 

Oh my goodness, if he hasn't filed for divorce in 5-6 months then I can't stay his OW. I just can't! I can barely handle this month. If he needs longer to decide or to actually do it then I am going to have to step away until he actually does, because I can't handle this up in the air stuff.

 

 

This has to happen in his time frame. He is the one married, the one who has to tell family and friends, talk to the kids, sort things out. The house, the money aspect, etc.. All that isn't easy and even more so since he isn't 100% he wants to D in the first place.

 

Shield your heart.

 

This is true and precisely why I don't want to pressure him. I feel like I'm more of a distraction than a help to him right now, even though he feels like the opposite.

 

Thanks for all the time you took to help me with my different posts whichwayisup.

[maravilla]

Maravilla, I'm in a bit of a hurry so will read your recent post later and respond. If he's only been separated for a month, be very patient and work on your strength in dealing with what is to come because he WILL be unstable. Every case is different but a month or two into my MM's separation, he became very unstable and at one stage wanted to give his M another go. That lasted something like a week. He had, and still has A LOT of guilt issues, mourning, self doubt, failure issues, judgment issues to deal with. it's pretty huge so hang on for the rough ride ahead. My MM told me many times that despite all of that, his feelings deep down for me did not change. I didn't believe it because every time he had a dip, i thought it would be going back to his W, or ending our R.... long story short go slow, keep your sanity, give him space, buy the book! Good luck.

 

Thanks siuys, I'm wondering if we're dating the same Separated MM ha ha. It really is a roller coaster and I do always fear that he will go back to her but so far he hasn't shown me signs of that and keeps saying he wants to be with me. So that's good at least. I need to get better at accepting the situation and living my own life and just waiting to see what he does. I'm not good at that because I think, there are single guys I could be dating and it wouldn't involve this drama and worry. But then I think, shucks, I don't love any of them like this, and I don't think any of them could love me like this. It's sad but true. I hope it's all worth it in the end. For you and for me!

[maravilla]

 

When my MM first moved out to his friend's place, he visited a divorce lawyer and stuff, then said the same thing, "want her to file first", which makes no sense. After 2.5 months, still no action. Then he got the guilts and went back to work it out with his wife. This is a HUGE possibility and you have to be prepared for that.

 

To me, part of me missed his presence then, but a bigger part of me was relieved the ride was over. NOT. His "working it out with the wife" lasted a whole of 3 weeks. After a few good days, she chewed him out for the affair, demanded him to write a check for the amount he spent on me, phone records, STD tests, etc. It drove him insane. Everybody saw that coming Except for him. Idiot..

 

I've told him that if he goes back home, we're done. He said he understands and that he's glad I said that because it lets him know I want him and I'm serious about him and he likes knowing what I think. I thought that was a strange reaction, but, at least he knows where I stand, and if he goes back, I have to stick to it. Not because I'd hate him... I'm sure I'd be crushed, but I would also understand... but because that would be my answer, and I could finally move on and close that door. Like you say, it would give me a peace to know it was over one way or the other. Not in limboland like now.

 

I think my MM is also aware that if he went home his wife would chew him out and he'd have to do a lot of hard work to win her back and he doesn't want to do that as long as I'm in the picture. But he probably would if he had to- as in, if I left him. He knows it would be part of the picture if he were to go back. He has complained that when he sees her to get the kids she just nags at him and is mean. I feel like, geez, what if she had been all nice and loving? Does what he do about me and us depend on how she acts towards him? I asked him this and he said no, he wants to be with me no matter how she acts, but it just reinforces for him why he is done and why he could never go back even if we don't work out. I guess I can understand that.

 

 

As far as I know, his relationship with his wife has gone down the toilet. The humiliation, betrayal and deception cannot be overcome. The wife's friends and family ALL know he left for a younger woman. What I don't know is why he won't divorce. If it's financial, he sure isn't telling me about it. I know he cuts a check to his wife every month, after expenses, he's left with a 300-400 / mth and has to reach into savings.

 

As for myself, I'm taking time away from him to re-determine my life goals without him. I cannot put my career and romantic goals on hold because of him. I deserve a shot at a happy marriage, and if someone cuter, single, successful came along tomorrow, I will cut off all strings in less than a heartbeat.

 

You have to figure tht out for yourself too. There's no way I'm becoming that old spinster who gave up her life for a MM.

 

What is the age diff if you don't mind me asking? My MM is a lot older than me. 19 years. I never really think it matters with us but I guess it could factor into his thoughts about returning home after his wife and others know he left for someone so much younger. I guess that's the same reason I don't tell a lot of my friends and family about him, because I would feel foolish if we didn't work out and everyone said, well duh, he's married and a lot older blah blah.

 

You sound really strong and well-balanced and I'm sure you'll be fine no matter what your MM decides. Honestly it sounds like you're better off without him. I agree you can find someone else and it's no good to waste your life waiting around on him. Thanks for sharing with me, it helps!

[maravilla]

Is he planning on filing for divorce on Friday, or "just meeting with the attorney"?

 

I don't know, his text message only said that he just got off the phone with the lawyer and they're meeting Fri at 3. It also said that he will talk to me later about the call. So I guess I will find out tonight. Against some people's advice (which I do understand) I'm going to ask him specifically what he plans to do, just so I know and so I'm not confused about what's going on! Then he sent me another text saying he just spoke to my acquaintance who has the house to rent and set up an appointment to see it this weekend, and ended the text with "wowza lots happening."

[Carrot2000]

I hope I don't come off as mean or negative, but I feel like there's a very real possibility that this man will return to his family after the holidays. He has a short-term lease and has already mentioned going home if the two of you don't work out; for a man that's sure about his decision, he sure has set this situation up so that he has an "out" clause in this relationship. Even the mere mention of returning to his wife should be a red flag for you, as his only concern is that he doesn't end up alone.

 

You love him, but don't be a fool for love and don't dismiss your fears. You're thinking of these things for a reason, so trust your gut and don't wear your heart on your sleeve until you see that this man is making moves on his own.