Separated MMs

[maravilla]

Be careful with giving more credit than is due about that lease for a place to live. Leases can be broken. And he sounds like a man with means that's willing to throw away a couple thousand dollars if it will buy him more time with you.

 

True. He is a man like that. I've actually thought about that because he keeps telling me he's interested in renting it and I think, well that's good that he's showing me he's moving forward, but then I have this nagging doubt that says, well, a six-month lease is nothing, and can be broken, and maybe he keeps telling me about it because he's unsure what he's actually going to do. (I've noticed that he'll repeat something confidently over and over and then do the opposite- almost like he's trying to convince himself of something and then it doesn't work.) And this is my friend's house (who moved to another state and is renting it out), so I don't want to drag his indecisiveness into her life too!

[maravilla]

Great post NID, and the part I bolded above is soo true and it's so often used to keep you dialed in and hooked with the promise of more later. That is exactly what xmm did to me and I've saw the same story repeated here plenty of times. Of course my story is a bit unusual in that my xmm ended up not being separated at all, in fact he lied about almost everything so be cautious. I'm not saying that your mm is as big of a liar as mine ended up being but I'm not the first one or the last one that it happens to Marvilla. If you are curious about what happened to me, go read my thread, (have I got a story for you.) Some of them........are very bad apples and I never dreamed that mine would be such a deceitful lying POS as he was to me..........and his BS and the way it was discovered was by the BS and I talking. I see some similarities Marvilla and that is what concerns me about your mm.

 

Ok, I'll read your thread, I'm interested in the similarities. I appreciate your continued help bb07! I'm starting to get a really bad feeling that my MM is just a liar! It's a really crappy feeling.

[maravilla]

Actually you only know what he has told you. She might very much like to have her questions answered, a meeting of the minds can happen.

It could go either way......but also it would most likely make your mm very angry but yet on the other hand you gotta ask yourself, if there is nothing to hide, then why would it bother him so much. More food for thought.

 

I guess my issue is that I know MM hasn't told her the truth; he himself has told me that. So to talk to her would be the ultimate betrayal against MM. And even though I'm willing to walk away and am just trying to gather the courage and resolve, I'm not willing to sabotage him. I was a complicit party in the deceit, and to turn around and spill all, knowing it would only end up hurting him, would make me feel double worse. I don't want him to hurt, I just want to be happy myself.

[BB07]

I guess my issue is that I know MM hasn't told her the truth; he himself has told me that. So to talk to her would be the ultimate betrayal against MM. And even though I'm willing to walk away and am just trying to gather the courage and resolve, I'm not willing to sabotage him. I was a complicit party in the deceit, and to turn around and spill all, knowing it would only end up hurting him, would make me feel double worse. I don't want him to hurt, I just want to be happy myself.

 

 

I get that.........and I'm not pushing you to do that but the reason I mentioned it is because I don't think you can trust what he tells you about her and what she knows and what she will do.

I protected my xmm also because of the things that he had told me that she would hurt him with.....during a divorce. I did that for a long long time, but she (the bs) kept pushing me and pushing me and finally one night I blew on her on a certain social network site because I felt that it was unfair (the things she was saying about me, because they WERE separated), well lo and behold the lies he had told both of us were mind boggling. So my motives were not pure at all when her and I first starting talking but I came to a new understanding about a lot of things and I'm glad both of us found out the truth.

[maravilla]

I get that.........and I'm not pushing you to do that but the reason I mentioned it is because I don't think you can trust what he tells you about her and what she knows and what she will do.

I protected my xmm also because of the things that he had told me that she would hurt him with.....during a divorce. I did that for a long long time, but she (the bs) kept pushing me and pushing me and finally one night I blew on her on a certain social network site because I felt that it was unfair (the things she was saying about me, because they WERE separated), well lo and behold the lies he had told both of us were mind boggling. So my motives were not pure at all when her and I first starting talking but I came to a new understanding about a lot of things and I'm glad both of us found out the truth.

 

Yeah, I think that instead of involving myself with his wife or further involving myself at all in this situation, I need to just walk away and concentrate on me. I'm getting mad at myself for doing all of this. And confused about why I did and why I to this minute remain in it!

 

I think he knows we are almost over. Last night and this morning he was extra cuddly and 'I love you maravilla' and all of that. I think he's thinking that he knows either I will end it soon or he will. I just have this feeling. It's like we've reached the end of the road and he knows we can't keep going like we've been going. I've made it really clear that he has to get divorced to really be with me, and now I've made it clear that I can't wait any longer and need to leave if he's not ready. I've tried to be as kind to him about it as I can and I think he is finally getting it and finally admitting, at least to himself, that he's not ready to get divorced.

 

I'm glad I pushed him because if I hadn't this would still be dragging out except it would be so far back there... perhaps he might not have even moved out. I can't just let things dangle like that, I'm a person who needs to know what's what and I get frustrated when things feel off. And things have felt off for awhile now. That's why I found LoveShack and I'm really grateful for everyone here who have been helping me. I wanted my answers and I got them from him, in his passive-aggressive, sometimes shady way.

 

Now I just have to find the strength to leave once and for all which is really the hardest part. It's like I'm stuck in this ugly cycle.

 

bb07 I looked through your past posts and tried to find the 'have I got a story for you' thread but I couldn't find it anywhere.

[BB07]

Here is it Maravilla......

[maravilla]

Thanks for the link bb07!

[Confused4Now]

answers and I got them from him, in his passive-aggressive, sometimes shady way.

 

The one thing I did learn is these types for situations do promote passive-aggressive behavior when your the MM/MW. I know cause I did it myself till I came to my senses.

[Carrot2000]

Yeah, I think that instead of involving myself with his wife or further involving myself at all in this situation, I need to just walk away and concentrate on me. I'm getting mad at myself for doing all of this. And confused about why I did and why I to this minute remain in it!

 

This where where individual counseling (IC) can help. Sometimes we need to talk about what we're experiencing with someone who is impartial and can give us a different perspective on things. Friends and family are great, but they want us to be happy and sometimes tell us what we want to hear, not what we need to hear. IC might really help you if you can't really talk to those closest to you because the guy is married. A counselor can help you set goals and come up with a game plan.

 

Don't be angry at yourself, be happy that you're seeing the reality of this situation now rather than a year or two from now!

[maravilla]

This where where individual counseling (IC) can help. Sometimes we need to talk about what we're experiencing with someone who is impartial and can give us a different perspective on things. Friends and family are great, but they want us to be happy and sometimes tell us what we want to hear, not what we need to hear. IC might really help you if you can't really talk to those closest to you because the guy is married. A counselor can help you set goals and come up with a game plan.

 

Don't be angry at yourself, be happy that you're seeing the reality of this situation now rather than a year or two from now!

 

Okay. I'll look one up. Thank you for the suggestion. I do want a game plan and goals!!

[maravilla]

Wow, bb07, that was a crazy story. I feel bad that you were so lied to. How have you been doing since then? I'm so glad you could find out the truth and move on.

[BB07]

Wow, bb07, that was a crazy story. I feel bad that you were so lied to. How have you been doing since then? I'm so glad you could find out the truth and move on.

 

It was rough going for a while.......I won't lie, but I'm doing much better now and I know I'm gonna be alright. I'll admit I had times when I tried to explain it away, trying to make sense of it and trying to find some logical explanation but the truth is.......there wasn't one. Too much damage was done. I still get angry sometimes and I find the anger comes around more than the sadness at this point, but it's normal I'm sure. I think I'll always be too cynical and it will be very difficult for me to trust again, but well who knows.....it might happen.

I'm done with it, with him and I'm good with that! Although I did a lot of wrong things I feel that I did the right thing in the end, for me, for her, so that helps!

[maravilla]

It was rough going for a while.......I won't lie, but I'm doing much better now and I know I'm gonna be alright. I'll admit I had times when I tried to explain it away, trying to make sense of it and trying to find some logical explanation but the truth is.......there wasn't one. Too much damage was done. I still get angry sometimes and I find the anger comes around more than the sadness at this point, but it's normal I'm sure. I think I'll always be too cynical and it will be very difficult for me to trust again, but well who knows.....it might happen.

I'm done with it, with him and I'm good with that! Although I did a lot of wrong things I feel that I did the right thing in the end, for me, for her, so that helps!

 

I'm glad you are doing better and I think all your feelings are normal. What a rough thing to go through! Good for you for moving on!

[maravilla]

So how has your day been today? Any progress?

 

I've been in a slump. Same old same old. I was thinking MM was ready to end us too, but over lunch and throughout the day he's seemed to be making sure I'm happy and we're still together. I'm trying to muster up the heart to tell him I'm just done. It's the strangest thing. Logically, I know this is not a good situation for me and I need to get out. But then when I talk to him, my heart gets in the way because I have this deep emotional connection to him that I can't seem to break. I guess I'm pretty miserable today!

[Silly_Girl]

I've been in a slump. Same old same old. I was thinking MM was ready to end us too, but over lunch and throughout the day he's seemed to be making sure I'm happy and we're still together. I'm trying to muster up the heart to tell him I'm just done. It's the strangest thing. Logically, I know this is not a good situation for me and I need to get out. But then when I talk to him, my heart gets in the way because I have this deep emotional connection to him that I can't seem to break. I guess I'm pretty miserable today!

 

M, I don't know if you've ever noticed it in your life, but in most relationships I've had, including platonic, there's often a hint of push-pull. It's subconscious but as one backs off a little, the other often starts to fill the gap, and vice versa. It's weird, I've caught myself doing this even whilst I'm attempting to avoid it! I just wanted to mention it because I know this is a hard place for you to be in, but him being keen/happy/sweet etc is transient. It may be mostly a reaction to you, so I just wanted to suggest taking it with a pinch of salt.

[whichwayisup]

I've been in a slump. Same old same old. I was thinking MM was ready to end us too, but over lunch and throughout the day he's seemed to be making sure I'm happy and we're still together. I'm trying to muster up the heart to tell him I'm just done. It's the strangest thing. Logically, I know this is not a good situation for me and I need to get out. But then when I talk to him, my heart gets in the way because I have this deep emotional connection to him that I can't seem to break. I guess I'm pretty miserable today!

 

Listen to your gut. You know he's acting weird and treating you differently on and off. Don't fool yourself into believing that he now has changed his mind and things are fine. He's humpty dumpty. GO with your gut and hopefully soon you'll get the courage and strength to do what has to do be done.

[maravilla]

Listen to your gut. You know he's acting weird and treating you differently on and off. Don't fool yourself into believing that he now has changed his mind and things are fine. He's humpty dumpty. GO with your gut and hopefully soon you'll get the courage and strength to do what has to do be done.

 

He is humpty dumpty! For him to be telling me last night in his grumpy voice that he agrees with our discussion about taking a break, and then now acting like I'm the best thing since sliced bread... he confuses me. I know this is an emotional, unstable time for him but I just don't trust his words anymore.

[maravilla]

M, I don't know if you've ever noticed it in your life, but in most relationships I've had, including platonic, there's often a hint of push-pull. It's subconscious but as one backs off a little, the other often starts to fill the gap, and vice versa. It's weird, I've caught myself doing this even whilst I'm attempting to avoid it! I just wanted to mention it because I know this is a hard place for you to be in, but him being keen/happy/sweet etc is transient. It may be mostly a reaction to you, so I just wanted to suggest taking it with a pinch of salt.

 

You're right! I think this is what he's doing (and what he's done in the past). When I seriously want to step away, he starts to realize he better agree or else he won't have much of a choice. So he says he agrees. Then he starts to worry about not being together and so he just acts like everything is dandy. It's almost like he's in denial of all the things we've been discussing. Very frustrating. You're totally right about push-pull.

[whichwayisup]

He is humpty dumpty! For him to be telling me last night in his grumpy voice that he agrees with our discussion about taking a break, and then now acting like I'm the best thing since sliced bread... he confuses me. I know this is an emotional, unstable time for him but I just don't trust his words anymore.

 

Then tell him this and let him know it's driving you crazy and affecting you in so many ways, interferring in your daily life, that it would be best for YOU to take a giant step back and give eachother space and time. He needs this badly but doesn't have the balls to say it and follow through. You need it so you can find some peace again, and focus on other things in life rather than just him. Your world now IS him and that's not a good thing.

[maravilla]

Then tell him this and let him know it's driving you crazy and affecting you in so many ways, interferring in your daily life, that it would be best for YOU to take a giant step back and give eachother space and time. He needs this badly but doesn't have the balls to say it and follow through. You need it so you can find some peace again, and focus on other things in life rather than just him. Your world now IS him and that's not a good thing.

 

You are so right!!

 

I was just thinking about how he always says he's the strong one and he's strong enough for both of us. Yet he waffles and wavers and contradicts himself and his actions contradict his words. I was hoping I could get him to see it my way and we could take a nice amicable break. But even though he does see it my way, at least part of the time, he wants us to stay together. So I'm going to have to be the strong one. I do feel that he knows we need to step back but he can't be the one to initiate it or enforce it. So I'm going to have to do it. It's what I want and need.

[fooled once]

Couple of thoughts...

 

...

 

I'm glad I pushed him because if I hadn't this would still be dragging out except it would be so far back there... perhaps he might not have even moved out. I can't just let things dangle like that, I'm a person who needs to know what's what and I get frustrated when things feel off. And things have felt off for awhile now. That's why I found LoveShack and I'm really grateful for everyone here who have been helping me. I wanted my answers and I got them from him, in his passive-aggressive, sometimes shady way.

 

See what I bolded above? Are you saying you basically had to push him to move out?

 

Oh dear....

 

He is going to end up resenting you and being angry that you "pushed" him to move out. He will end up blaming you for making him leave his marriage. The fact that you even feel this way is sad. I guess it is kinda like you having to continue to PUSH him to make any steps forward. And honestly, you shouldn't have to PUSH him to do anything or encourage him. If he wanted to do these things, he would do them without YOU pushing or prodding or even asking him. He should not need you to follow up with him to see if he has done anything.

 

Also, you mentioned a page or so back that he is feeling his kids out about a divorce Are you kidding? He is asking his kids their thoughts on it? He is getting their input into HIS marriage? He is putting HIS kids in the MIDDLE of this and that is so classless and so cowardly. He has zero integrity or balls, IMHO.

[2sunny]

I've been in a slump. Same old same old. I was thinking MM was ready to end us too, but over lunch and throughout the day he's seemed to be making sure I'm happy and we're still together. I'm trying to muster up the heart to tell him I'm just done. It's the strangest thing. Logically, I know this is not a good situation for me and I need to get out. But then when I talk to him, my heart gets in the way because I have this deep emotional connection to him that I can't seem to break. I guess I'm pretty miserable today!

 

he's being extra nice because he can see that you are ready to leave him. now he needs to be sure to be nice so that he keeps you in the position he wants you to stay in - the OW.

 

so when you are happy and require anything of him = he gets mad and pushes you away so you expect nothing.

 

then when you expect nothing and get nothing much - you realize life is too short = then he recognizes you are about to leave him so he tries extra hard to be nice so you stay and put up with his crappy behavior again.

 

that's not nice - that's not loving behavior.

 

i'd bet money he plays the same scene out often enough with his wife too... he's selfish - you do not need to be the target of his selfishness.

[maravilla]

Well, tonight I drew on the strength of everybody here, because I don't feel like I have much strength! I told him goodbye and thanks for the memories and to look me up if he's ever single.

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

He told me he knew this was coming and he is going to prove to me that he loves me.

 

Okay, well I'm waiting.

 

I feel like my heart is breaking. I really need to stick to this but I don't know how. Please help me.

[Silly_Girl]

Well, tonight I drew on the strength of everybody here, because I don't feel like I have much strength! I told him goodbye and thanks for the memories and to look me up if he's ever single.

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

He told me he knew this was coming and he is going to prove to me that he loves me.

 

Okay, well I'm waiting.

 

I feel like my heart is breaking. I really need to stick to this but I don't know how. Please help me.

 

Oh mate! Well done. This is a really good move. It's a good move for all of you involved and most of all it's a good move for YOU.

 

If he proves it, if he comes through for you, you'll be safe in the knowledge that this was unilaterally HIS choice and of HIS making and 100% the right thing for HIM. That will give you two the best start ever. Without that basis I fear... well I am not sure it would have been worth progressing; I think you guys would be deferring heartache and resentment on both sides.

 

What you've done is ensure you have the best chance possible. The rest is up to him. Be proud!

[whichwayisup]

He knew it was coming, yet he once again, didn't have the balls to do it himself, just like asking his wife for a D. Wasn't he hoping she would file and ask for a D so he wouldn't have to do it and be the bad guy?

 

Sorry you're hurting.. You did the right thing though, as painful as it was to do.