Separated MMs

[maravilla]

Couple of thoughts...

 

See what I bolded above? Are you saying you basically had to push him to move out?

 

Oh dear....

 

Yes.

 

 

He is going to end up resenting you and being angry that you "pushed" him to move out. He will end up blaming you for making him leave his marriage. The fact that you even feel this way is sad. I guess it is kinda like you having to continue to PUSH him to make any steps forward. And honestly, you shouldn't have to PUSH him to do anything or encourage him. If he wanted to do these things, he would do them without YOU pushing or prodding or even asking him. He should not need you to follow up with him to see if he has done anything.

 

That's exactly what I've been worried about. He wouldn't get into the pool unless I pulled him in, and then I had to pull him out further and further... it started to feel like, if he really wanted in he'd have jumped right in. And nothing was preventing him from high-tailing it back out and then blaming me for getting him all wet! Maybe not the best analogy but it was starting to feel like such a stupid game.

 

 

Also, you mentioned a page or so back that he is feeling his kids out about a divorce Are you kidding? He is asking his kids their thoughts on it? He is getting their input into HIS marriage? He is putting HIS kids in the MIDDLE of this and that is so classless and so cowardly. He has zero integrity or balls, IMHO.

 

I was also starting to get really frustrated and lose faith in him over this fact. I didn't think his kids should be asked their opinion (and I also thought their opinion should be obvious). I had told him that he needed to make up his mind and then inform them, not vice versa. He didn't seem to get these basic concepts.

[maravilla]

I don't care for him.

 

I like you, Maravilla, I think you are very gracious.

 

I don't think your MM deserves you.

 

And this is the main reason: His wife has been a good woman to him. She has been a good mom, and a good wife. She helped nurse him through a serious illness. But what he is doing to her now is callous. Even contemplating surprising her with divorce papers (the way he suggested) is one of the cruelest things I've read on here.

 

If he wants a divorce he should be upfront with her, tell her flat out that there is no chance, and then give her the opportunity to choose to file herself or not. But he is not even going to allow that. As it is he hasn't even told her he wants a divorce! What an evil game he's playing! At best he's just a coward who doesn't have the nerve to tell his wife the truth.

 

Maravilla, earlier in the thread you said he's impulsive. And I think that is what happened with your relationship. That everything about it may have been on impulse. Him dragging his feet is him realizing that a lot is at stake here, namely the only family he's known for the last several years. You are not guaranteed to stick around, and both of you know that. He's balancing on uncertainty right now. But that still doesn't make what he is doing to his wife right.

 

Maravilla, you know that his wife doesn't deserve this treatment, and you sure as hell don't deserve it, either.

 

LisaLee,

 

I read this post on my Blackberry in the bathroom of the restaurant before I told MM I need to be done. It really inspired me because it was really true, and contained everything I'd already been feeling. He's not being nice to his wife, or me. And your theory on him being impulsive was right on too. He just followed me without ever having come up with a plan on how to really be with me and end things with his wife.

 

Thank you.

[maravilla]

he's being extra nice because he can see that you are ready to leave him. now he needs to be sure to be nice so that he keeps you in the position he wants you to stay in - the OW.

 

so when you are happy and require anything of him = he gets mad and pushes you away so you expect nothing.

 

then when you expect nothing and get nothing much - you realize life is too short = then he recognizes you are about to leave him so he tries extra hard to be nice so you stay and put up with his crappy behavior again.

 

that's not nice - that's not loving behavior.

 

i'd bet money he plays the same scene out often enough with his wife too... he's selfish - you do not need to be the target of his selfishness.

 

Very true, good analysis.

 

I don't know why these points don't hit home to me until I read them on LoveShack. Something must be wrong with my brain LOL.

[maravilla]

I posted briefly on my Blackberry last night, so, here's more detail into what happened last night.

 

MM and I went to a restaurant, and as soon as we walk in I see two of my really good friends. They have met MM in a professional capacity but not him and I as a couple. We could tell they were wondering why we were at a restaurant in the evening together. It was pretty awkward. Once we sat down, MM said, 'well at least we weren't holding hands, at least we're in business attire.' I was like ummm I'm pretty sure they realized something is up anyway.

 

Then we were almost done eating and one of his good friends came in! (We have eaten at this restaurant a lot, it's pretty much our spot, and had never seen anyone we know until last night!) His friend had been working with the elections and asked to sit with us while he ate some appetizers. MM suggested we move to the bar, and his friend bought us a drink and they talked about his friend's girlfriend etc.

 

Afterwards MM was like, 'wow, my friend handled that well, he didn't ask how my wife and kids were,' etc. He said, 'People are starting to find out about us and they don't seem to mind.' I told him that this is why he needed to make a decision and make it clear to his wife or me. Because everyone is starting to know we're together except his wife! He went on about how he didn't want to hurt her and it was a big step and I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him honestly everything I was feeling, I tried to be nice about it but I said that him telling his wife it's just a trial separation and telling me he wants to get divorced and be with me is cowardly and not fair to either of us. I said I don't feel comfortable in this situation and I no longer want to help him hurt his wife.

 

By this time we were at his office building as I was dropping him off at his car. He had been listening and eventually agreeing (he said he's a cowardly lion) but then all of a sudden he just got out of my car and shut the door and headed into his building's garage. Without so much as a goodbye!

 

I drove home thinking, wow, so that's it, the end? Is he just trying to put me off to delay the inevitable? Or is that his way of saying okay it's over? It was so confusing and then I started to get mad at him for not being able to wrap up a conversation properly with me. So I called him, this was like half an hour later, we had both gotten to our houses, and told him I wasn't sure what had just happened but, basically, thanks for the memories and to look me up if he's ever single. Looking back I feel bad because I didn't mean to be callous, but I was confused and upset at how he had just walked away from me.

 

By that time I was crying, and he started crying too!, and told me that was a mean thing for me to say. I said I was sorry but I just wanted a proper goodbye. That's when he said he knew this was coming and okay we would take a break while he straightened things out on his end.

 

Then I was really sad and couldn't sleep. This morning he sent me a text message, all cheerfully! He said he agrees that this break is a positive step for us, and each of us. He thanked me, and said good luck and goodbye for now. I didn't answer (I was sleeping because I didn't go to sleep until late) and then he sent another text saying he was going to the gym so he could beat traffic and wanting to know if he can stop by my house to pick up his stuff. He has tons of clothes and work stuff at my house. When I left for work I sent him a text message saying he could stop by and to please leave my key when he left. Then he sent me all these other cheery messages with things like 'I have no regrets,' 'goodbye again for now' and lots of smiley faces. It's the strangest thing! I miss him and I'm feeling sad but I'm focusing on the fact that the relationship in that form was slowly killing me, and that it's better this way, even if it's harder.

 

Thanks everyone for all your help.

[maravilla]

Oh mate! Well done. This is a really good move. It's a good move for all of you involved and most of all it's a good move for YOU.

 

If he proves it, if he comes through for you, you'll be safe in the knowledge that this was unilaterally HIS choice and of HIS making and 100% the right thing for HIM. That will give you two the best start ever. Without that basis I fear... well I am not sure it would have been worth progressing; I think you guys would be deferring heartache and resentment on both sides.

 

What you've done is ensure you have the best chance possible. The rest is up to him. Be proud!

 

Thanks sillygirl. I'd like to think he will do it all on his own of his own choice but I have a bad feeling that he won't. But you're right, that's the only way it could really work anyway.

[maravilla]

He knew it was coming, yet he once again, didn't have the balls to do it himself, just like asking his wife for a D. Wasn't he hoping she would file and ask for a D so he wouldn't have to do it and be the bad guy?

 

Sorry you're hurting.. You did the right thing though, as painful as it was to do.

 

Exactly! I pointed this out to him last night. That I was afraid he knew we needed to take a break but he was afraid to tell me/ hurt me just like he's been afraid to tell his wife what he's really thinking.

 

Yes at first he wanted her to file but that was clearly not going to happen. Even last night he said that if I weren't in the picture he would still get divorced but it would just take a lot longer. I asked how so and he said he would just stay separated until his wife realized he wasn't coming back home and decided to file since then she would know there was no hope. I said, that would be an awful way to live, all of that time her life would be on hold, yours would be on hold, you would still be tied to her legally and emotionally and not able to date or meet anyone new. And he said, why wouldn't I be able to date? He's just clueless! I said, any other girl would have the same issues with you still being married that I do! No one wants to be kept a secret. And if your wife knew you were dating then why wouldn't the divorce be in progress? He said I had a good point.

 

Just thinking about how crazy he was making me and how frustrated I was makes me realize I made the right decision. His life is just a mess right now and I want to have something better than that.

[Confused4Now]

Exactly! I pointed this out to him last night. That I was afraid he knew we needed to take a break but he was afraid to tell me/ hurt me just like he's been afraid to tell his wife what he's really thinking.

 

Yes at first he wanted her to file but that was clearly not going to happen. Even last night he said that if I weren't in the picture he would still get divorced but it would just take a lot longer. I asked how so and he said he would just stay separated until his wife realized he wasn't coming back home and decided to file since then she would know there was no hope. I said, that would be an awful way to live, all of that time her life would be on hold, yours would be on hold, you would still be tied to her legally and emotionally and not able to date or meet anyone new. And he said, why wouldn't I be able to date? He's just clueless! I said, any other girl would have the same issues with you still being married that I do! No one wants to be kept a secret. And if your wife knew you were dating then why wouldn't the divorce be in progress? He said I had a good point.

 

Just thinking about how crazy he was making me and how frustrated I was makes me realize I made the right decision. His life is just a mess right now and I want to have something better than that.

Well BTDT....Like I said he's feeling your anxiety as well as his wife. I know I've been there. Which is why its best to take a break. I'm sure he loves you but he has so much stuff he has to sort out it's not going to happen over night. Like everyone has said if its meant to be it's meant to be.

 

I was at a point where you were at.....and I could see my anxieties of the situation affect my xMW to a point where she wanted to step away. Looking back I was pretty freakin pathetic. Not anymore....I put the focus where it needed to be which was me and that happened something changed. She felt she was losing me...the more I had to do for myself the more she tried to pull me back in. Well I think it got to a point where she saw the control/spell she once had on me going away....so the more she pulled the more I went away. So when it got right down to it she wanted to keep things status quo.....So I don't have much if any contact anymore.

 

I know what your going through and I know your pain....focus on healing...time does heal....

[Pokemon]

Oh maravilla, my heart goes out to you. Partly because we have similar stories, except the BS knows about me and I'm half a year down the road from you.

 

I know this must be so hard. The fact that he's still texting you constantly, trying to get a response out of you shows that it IS affecting him, don't worry about that. I think this guy will be back, but maybe it's time you put your life in check and think about YOU and your goals. Maybe it will take him days or a few weeks, but I think he will pursue you again once he realizes his marriage is a pile of SH*T. But then again, does it matter at this point? You've been putting your life on hold waiting for him, what about taking care of you? Go out and about, contact your gfs, go have fun for a bit to distract yourself. I honestly thought my relationship with MM was over and hr bounced right back, twice. The first time, it was month 6 and we went on NC, took him 4

Whole days to tell his wife and move out. 2nd time, it was month 9 and it took him 3 weeks of NC to realize that. Not saying it will be the same for you, but just hang in there and focus on YOU.

 

Also, as for the kids part, I still have to agree that he has a right to ask them what they feel if he was going to leave. They are very brave kids to be so supportive of their dad!

[Mombot]

My separated man has been separated for 11 years. I have listened to all his reasons he is not D, and some of them sound valid. I think he likes where he is, he works a lot and is 1200 miles from her. This can obviously go on a long time. We have been seeing each other for 2 1/2 years. His children are grown.

She did visit him recently and he told her not to visit again.

Is it complicated with a separated man? Yes and no. Emotionally I still feel like I've got someone else's man sometimes. We spend more and more time together, he lives 200 miles from me and I'm with him now.

Be prepared for nothing happening- I did contact her via email and she replied not to bother her. So I haven't.

You have to ask yourself what you want and how long you'll wait for it.

[maravilla]

Well BTDT....Like I said he's feeling your anxiety as well as his wife. I know I've been there. Which is why its best to take a break. I'm sure he loves you but he has so much stuff he has to sort out it's not going to happen over night. Like everyone has said if its meant to be it's meant to be.

 

I was at a point where you were at.....and I could see my anxieties of the situation affect my xMW to a point where she wanted to step away. Looking back I was pretty freakin pathetic. Not anymore....I put the focus where it needed to be which was me and that happened something changed. She felt she was losing me...the more I had to do for myself the more she tried to pull me back in. Well I think it got to a point where she saw the control/spell she once had on me going away....so the more she pulled the more I went away. So when it got right down to it she wanted to keep things status quo.....So I don't have much if any contact anymore.

 

I know what your going through and I know your pain....focus on healing...time does heal....

 

I do understand where he's at. I wish he could have been more honest with me instead of leaving me to figure it all out on my own, but, I guess that's easier said than done. Your story sounds sad but I'm glad you're doing well now, and thanks for the positive advice! I'm glad to know time heals... right now it feel very hard but I know things have to get better!

[maravilla]

Oh maravilla, my heart goes out to you. Partly because we have similar stories, except the BS knows about me and I'm half a year down the road from you.

 

I know this must be so hard. The fact that he's still texting you constantly, trying to get a response out of you shows that it IS affecting him, don't worry about that. I think this guy will be back, but maybe it's time you put your life in check and think about YOU and your goals. Maybe it will take him days or a few weeks, but I think he will pursue you again once he realizes his marriage is a pile of SH*T. But then again, does it matter at this point? You've been putting your life on hold waiting for him, what about taking care of you? Go out and about, contact your gfs, go have fun for a bit to distract yourself. I honestly thought my relationship with MM was over and hr bounced right back, twice. The first time, it was month 6 and we went on NC, took him 4

Whole days to tell his wife and move out. 2nd time, it was month 9 and it took him 3 weeks of NC to realize that. Not saying it will be the same for you, but just hang in there and focus on YOU.

 

Also, as for the kids part, I still have to agree that he has a right to ask them what they feel if he was going to leave. They are very brave kids to be so supportive of their dad!

 

Wow, I don't think I could ever go back with him while he's still M'ed. I know that is easier said than done but I am just so tired of the back and forth. I told him I want a real relationship or nothing at all. If he was actually filing for and progressing with divorce, I could be there for him, even with all the emotions and drama I know it would involve, but the problem is that he wasn't there yet, or maybe not ever.

 

He asked me what I meant by a real relationship and I was thinking, are you kidding me?! Isn't it obvious? So I explained the obvious. That I want to be a public couple, out in the open, without having to hide ourselves. I want to be able to call him my boyfriend and me his girlfriend. Obviously divorce would need to be underway and his wife and kids would have to know that he was definitely done with the marriage, although I wouldn't want to make things more complicated by flaunting ourselves in front of his wife or confusing his kids. It's just that she would have to know he was on the same page that he was telling me he was on - done with his marriage and available to move on to a new relationship. Clearly he was not at that point and I really don't want to be with him unless he is. I hope I can stick to my guns! Thanks for sharing your story and I hope your own situation has a happy ending.

[maravilla]

My separated man has been separated for 11 years. I have listened to all his reasons he is not D, and some of them sound valid. I think he likes where he is, he works a lot and is 1200 miles from her. This can obviously go on a long time. We have been seeing each other for 2 1/2 years. His children are grown.

She did visit him recently and he told her not to visit again.

Is it complicated with a separated man? Yes and no. Emotionally I still feel like I've got someone else's man sometimes. We spend more and more time together, he lives 200 miles from me and I'm with him now.

Be prepared for nothing happening- I did contact her via email and she replied not to bother her. So I haven't.

You have to ask yourself what you want and how long you'll wait for it.

 

Wow thanks for the advice and for letting me know your situation. It doesn't sound like something I'm up for. Last night he was telling me that he would tell her and file before Thanksgiving and, I know it might sound silly, but I didn't even know if I could wait another few weeks. Because every single minute was taken up with me wondering if he was really going to do it, and there was always the possibility that he would back out after my hopes were so up. So I guess I decided not to have high expectations or make any demands or put any pressure on him, which for me meant just getting out of the way and see what if anything he will do on his own. Because as you say I don't like feeling like I have another person's man and at this point, that's all I had. It stinks that when it's just us together, it feels so real, but really it's not because he is totally still tied to someone else. All the best with your separated MM, I hope things work out the way you want them to!

[2sunny]

picking up his things is his way of trying to have sex one more time. manipulation that works in his favor, if you let him have another conversation alone with you.

 

put his things by the front door and tell him to get them when you're not going to be home (seriously)! either that or make sure you have a dear friend at home with you when he comes by so he can't try to weasel his way back into your life... cause he will - and you might just let him...

 

he can leave the key in the mailbox... personally, i changed the locks on my doors - he will probably have a spare made before he gives you the key back - and that is never good.

[maravilla]

picking up his things is his way of trying to have sex one more time. manipulation that works in his favor, if you let him have another conversation alone with you.

 

put his things by the front door and tell him to get them when you're not going to be home (seriously)! either that or make sure you have a dear friend at home with you when he comes by so he can't try to weasel his way back into your life... cause he will - and you might just let him...

 

he can leave the key in the mailbox... personally, i changed the locks on my doors - he will probably have a spare made before he gives you the key back - and that is never good.

 

I told him to come get his stuff today while I was at work, and not at home. Hopefully he listens. I guess I'll see when I get home.

 

My friend told me he is going to come crawling back. She and I prepared to defend against this, with chick flicks and ice cream. LOL. My plan is to keep myself busy with other things so that I'm not tempted to give into him out of loneliness.

[fooled once]

Well, tonight I drew on the strength of everybody here, because I don't feel like I have much strength! I told him goodbye and thanks for the memories and to look me up if he's ever single.

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

He told me he knew this was coming and he is going to prove to me that he loves me.

 

Okay, well I'm waiting.

 

I feel like my heart is breaking. I really need to stick to this but I don't know how. Please help me.

 

VERY proud of you! As much as you hurt now, image the hurt on Christmas eve or Christmas morning when he is with her and the kids? Image how you will feel then..when he is telling you he wants a divorce, but continues to run back to the marital home "for the kids". Such a crock of poo.

 

 

....I asked how so and he said he would just stay separated until his wife realized he wasn't coming back home and decided to file since then she would know there was no hope. I said, that would be an awful way to live, all of that time her life would be on hold, yours would be on hold, you would still be tied to her legally and emotionally and not able to date or meet anyone new. And he said, why wouldn't I be able to date? He's just clueless! I said, any other girl would have the same issues with you still being married that I do! No one wants to be kept a secret. And if your wife knew you were dating then why wouldn't the divorce be in progress? He said I had a good point.

 

Just thinking about how crazy he was making me and how frustrated I was makes me realize I made the right decision. His life is just a mess right now and I want to have something better than that.

 

See what I bolded?

 

He didn't say "why couldn't WE be together" he said "why wouldn't I be able to date"...as in dating others besides YOU.

 

HUGE HUGE RED FLAG and you just dodged a bullet.

 

He might one day get a divorce, but you are not the one he will end up with. You are his exit affair, his rebound, his soft place to land. He is thinking of DATING others.

 

Stay strong.

 

Do not reply to his texts, because if you do, then all your talk of ending things goes out the window. He will know he can manipulate you into sleeping with him again.

 

Post here when you are feeling tempted to contact him.

 

Call a girlfriend.

 

Turn the TV on.

 

Distract yourself. Maybe even get some counseling to help you deal with why you allowed yourself to be in a relationship with someone where you had to be in control and lead him around.

 

You will come out of this so much stronger and happier ... I PROMISE!!

 

((hugs))

[mustmoveon]

Don't lose yourself in this process. If I worry about an OW, this is what I worry about the most. Its so easy to get lost in all the reasons for this, making sure the divorce is progressing, hearing about how much money she wants and how it may (or may not) impact any future she may have with him, hearing about the kids, the intense highs and lows. I've seen it turn outgoing cheerful women into nasty smug women who are only happy that they still "got him" in the end. You don't want to just end up with him, you want to maintain yourself and your sanity as well.

 

 

I really like what you said here, NoIDidn't. It made me think about how utterly twisted these relationships can be. In a "normal" relationship, at 7 months, you'd be leaving your toothbrushes at one another's places, you might be introducing him to your parents, you'd be settling into a relationship, coupledom, maybe talking about future, kids etc.

 

In these ridiculous (& I'm sorry, I am so worn out by my 2+ years with my MM who I FINALLY ended it with that I have not shared my story here because I'm just so emotionally drained), so-called relationships, there is no opportunity to have a "normal" relationship because we're instead entangled in lawyers, betrayed spouses, angry children, alimony, new leases, divorce lawyers, custody, how to (or not) introduce this person, how much will a divorce cost, will he cheat on you/me? How the hell can we even begin to discover if we're compatible when so enmeshed in such high drama that really is not OUR problem, but his? I say this because I made myself physically & emotionally ILL & angry & bitter & I don't think I will ever truly recover.

 

The relationship begins as a betrayal so the odds are highly stacked against any success at the outset. Do men (and women too, but here I'm talking about men) sometimes fall in love, leave their wives, re-marry their OW & live happily ever after? Yes. I know one couple who both left their spouses & 14 years later they are doing well, BUT I think those are the very rare exceptions & the OW holds out & truly believes she'll be that very rare exception & the odds of success are just about nil.

 

We go into this relationship knowing right off the bat that he's a liar. Sure, his wife doesn't understand him; sure, it's fate, sure you're soul mates (don't they all use the same BS?), but in the final analysis, this "soul mate" has chosen to betray his wife and I finally had to accept the fact that if he could lie to her for so long & with such ease, he HAD to be lying to me too. And of course he was.

 

Marabilla, you are young & I'm betting beautiful & we already know you're smart. He's OLD (for you) & I think he sounds like he's playing both sides of the fence. These men lie as easily as some of us breathe. Words are cheap & easy & because we're the trusting types, we believe what they say & they know this.

 

He wants a beautiful young woman on his arm because it makes him feel good. That health scare probably frightened him & made him all too aware of his mortality & you make him feel alive & young again. But why would a beautiful young woman want to saddle herself with this pile of problems when you've only known him 7 months? You DON'T know him! I know I keep railing on about this, but my BMM (Bastard MM - we have a new acronym) was moving out & bought me a ring at 7 months & he has danced me in circles for 2+ years and I don't think he meant a word of it except in the moment because it gave him what he wanted in that moment. I was gullible, vulnerable, getting older....the perfect fool.

 

I do wish you could take a week away because a break (and NO phone!) gives you a rather startling dose of objectivity. It's almost impossible to stand back from it when he's drowning you in love, promises, lies and problems. You can't think about yourself & your own needs because you're drowning in his.

 

Seriously. When you look 10 years down the road, what do you see with the two of you together? You'll be a beautiful woman in the prime of your life & he'll be 60+ and probably sick and if not sick, well, OLD.

 

He sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis that has something to do with the illness that almost killed him. He's testing the waters; he's still got "it"; a gorgeous young woman wants him - he can't be that old he tells himself.

 

If you had years invested in him and there wasn't a wife who knows nothing, children and a lot of inconsistent & sketchy cr-p coming out of his mouth, I'd maybe go a little softer...., but if I were you at your age & in this situation with everything you've told us, I wouldn't walk away, I would RUN so fast I'd leave skid marks.

 

Sorry to be so vitriolic, but you have become so obsessed with his every move that I fear you're not looking out for YOU. These men are very good at making us worry about them for them and pretty soon YOU get left by the side of the road, or as in my case, threw myself there.

 

The other sad thing I have finally learned is that sometimes love is simply not enough. You love him? So does his wife. And he loved her enough at one point to take vows before God, Queen & country, have 2 children together, be married 16 years & have her nurse him through a deathly illness.

 

You only get one life - make it a good one. You deserve no less. I think you need to kick his can to the curb. IF he's the real deal he'll get his act together very quickly. He's obviously smart & has money, so take care of YOU now & let him take care of his business. Can't you just see yourself in a year with stepkids who hate you, you looking & feeling 10 years older, everyone in court & you thinking, I gave up my wonderful single life for this AND a man I can never trust?

 

If I can save one woman from the road I foolishly took, than I won't regret saying what I just said.

 

Save yourself Maravilla. If he's all he's purported to be, he'll step up to the plate & you will live happily ever after. If he's not, you will go forward without the bitterness & pain these relationships can leave (gee, do ya think? ) and find a man who can give you the love & type of relationship that you deserve. I've never been so battered & bruised by any relationship & I don't want that to happen to you.

 

Sorry to be so outspoken. I just had to say this because you are giving him too much of your energy & love & not taking care of yourself.

 

That was my cosmic kick in the a-s girlfriend!

 

Also, there is a wonderful book you should read called, "Will He Really Leave Her for Me?" It's written by a therapist & it is totally non-judgmental & really gave me insight into his perspective, his wife's perspective, my situation, all the factors & variables involved & it is a terrific read. The author is Rona Subotnik.

 

Hang in there! Don't hate me for being outspoken - I want better for you so you don't wind up busted & bitter like me. :bunny:

[2sunny]

how did it go with him picking up his things?

 

my hope is that YOU are taking care of YOU! you deserve to be happy!

[blinded_27]

Hang in there girl... Looks like we'll be going through similar pain over the next little while... broke it off at the same time roughly, about 7 months worth of lies and hoping... yikes how did it even last that long huh?

 

I have yet to arrange a pick up of his stuff as well.... I want to be there so badly just to have my last few words, but I know it's best to do it the way you did and just cut off contact altogether.

 

Good luck with everything!

[maravilla]

Hi everyone. Thanks for all the helpful posts. mustmoveon, yours was particularly inspiring. I had already broken it off with MM before I read it but it just cemented for me all the reasons I did and why I should be glad. I've been thinking lately that maybe he was having a mid-life crisis. So your post captured that aspect of my thoughts well. And I agree that I was giving him too much of my time and attention.

 

2sunny- he went to my house while I was at work and picked up his stuff and left a bag of the few things of mine that were at his place. After his strange smiley face happy texts he had sent mid-morning/early afternoon yesterday, I haven't heard a peep from him. In the past we've tried to take breaks and he would always cave right away, or the next morning at the most. I'm a bit surprised I haven't heard from him but I think it's a good thing. I really think that a big part of him knew deep down that we needed to end things, or take a break. Whether he's really respecting my wishes or whether he thinks this is good for him too, I'm glad I haven't heard from him. Sadly I'm cynical now and I feel that either he's trying to make me miss him so he can come back on strong soon. But maybe he's glad we're done and he's focusing on his life which is what I want him to do. Or maybe he really is caring about what I need. Whatever the case, I'm glad it's been quiet.

 

I've had so many different feelings in the last 48 hours or so. One minute I'm really sad and lonely and I miss him so much. The next minute, I think a lot about him and about why this happened. I think he is just confused and he was being selfish but he did love me. Those moments are the worst because I feel my tie to him and I just want everything to be good for him and I hope it can work out for us. I tell myself that if we're meant to be he'll come get me when he can really be there for me the right way. But then I know that probably won't happen and I get angry at myself for being delusional.

 

I think the break does give good perspective as you said mustmoveon because I'm such a yo-yo of emotions that I never really got to feel when I was caught up with MM. I'm thinking I really have to feel and think all of this out in order to even know where I'm at and why. So as time passes I'm starting to feel a lot more positive about the break up. I feel like this is what I needed and even when it gets hard I have to remember it's for the best. I was unhappy with what I had with MM and right now I'm still not happy but I feel like I'm on my way there. Whereas before I felt like I was spiraling down and down and down.

 

I just want to thank everyone again for all your support and help. Someone said they hope I did this because it was what I was really feeling and not because of what other people here said. Well, no one said anything I wasn't already thinking or feeling, well, except for greeneyedlady but even those posts help me think about what things in a new way and question them. They helped me realize that yes I love him but that because of the situation I was starting to fall out of love with him and be resentful and frustrated, and none of that is good for our 'relationship.' So if there is ever to be a good 'us' I needed to get out of the current situation and if there isn't to be an 'us' at all then why was I hanging around and complaining.

 

I came here because I felt in my gut that things weren't right. Yeah my MM had left home and was saying he was going to get divorced so in that way I didn't feel like I had the 'normal' story I saw posted here. But I wasn't happy either. I felt it was harder in some ways than when he had been at home, because the closer I felt to him emotionally the more I wanted to be a real couple and that just wasn't happening. Sometimes I start to feel like I was too impatient, it had only been 7 months, only a month or so since he left home and how could I expect him to change everything so quickly? I hear his words in my head telling me to just give him time and trust him and I start to feel like I did the wrong thing. But then I know I was feeling snowed, I was feeling like he was unsure, I didn't like things that were going on and I'm not the type of person who can just sit back and accept things that I don't like in a relationship. So even though he may not have been a monster I know I did what I had to do for me. And I needed you guys to give me the strength to do that or else I would have been miserable longer. Right now even though I miss him and I get sad I'm not miserable and hopeless like I was feeling before. I feel a lot more hopeful than when I was trying to hope against hope that MM and I would work out. Right now I've realized we may not, and all I can do is wait and see, but at least I'm okay with how things are in the meantime, and not trying to wonder why he's over at his family's house, why he hasn't told his wife about us, blah blah. Now I can just worry about me. So thanks again everyone and sorry this has gotten so long and convoluted.