GF wants to take a break, LDR, but still loves me

[bobby23]

I met my girlfriend four months ago on a mission trip to Ukraine. It was a very emotional experience visiting orphanages with children with special needs. Apart from that experience I met her and we had a connection right away and built up our relationship up. One thing led to another and I eventually asked her out when we were in Ukraine. Our affection and love for each other grew and it seemed right and meant to be. I am a freshman in college(18 years old) and she is a sophmore (20yrs) The trip ended and we both knew from the beginning that we would be in a long distance relationship for some time. I live in MN and she lives in NYC, the distance has been really hard on us and has made many things difficult. After Ukraine we have seen each other in person a total of 3 times. I visited her right after the trip and this is where we had sex for the time and said I love you. The second time she came to visit me in MN we had a great time and our love grew more and more. She left and it would roughly be 6—8 weeks before I saw her again, I took a trip for her birthday and spent time with her for four days. During that time in between we had some fights and disagreements, we would make up for them but at a distance they really hurt and took a tole. When I visited her on her birthday we had a very good weekend, we were very close and had no issues at all. The weekend went by fast and the next time I was supposed to see her was thanksgiving which was 7 weeks away. After two weeks her phone broke and she had to spend a lot of money for a new one, she doesn’t have a steady income and could not afford the trip to see me during thanksgiving. This really hurt us and sucked, but I was making plans to see her for 3 weeks during winter break. Recently and since I saw her for her birthday we have had some fights, and it feels like the fights come from just having the distance and being sad and frustrated with having to deal with it, and the added stress of dealing with it may be causing the fights. I recently bought my plane tickets to see her for three weeks, we were both really excited and couldn’t wait to get through the 10 week wait. Two days ago we got into this convo and she told me she is hurting a lot and that she doesn’t know if she can do this distance anymore and felt like I was constricting her at times. Last night she told me she wants to go on a break and maybe get back together based on what happens with this time in between me seeing her, and get back together when I go out east for winter break if everything works out well. She said she wants to talk a break because she wants to experience college and not look back and feel she was being held back. She does she still loves me, and she still wants to have a future together when I make plans to come out to the east coast, which I was trying to do for next fall. She just doesn’t want to be bound by a relationship right now but, she says that she wants a future and I am very confused and don’t know what to think. I truly love her, and want to be with her right now. This break is really hard on me, and I am staying strong through the distance and she just gives up. She says that doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone or do anything, and that with the time apart we should keep in mind “do to others what you want them to do to you” in the sense of going off and finding someone else to be with. So hopefully this means she isnt break this up to look for someone else and she doesn’t want me to find someone else. Another important point is that she still wants to talk and keep each other updated with our lives. I am really hurting and have been doing some research and from what I read I should give her distance and not try and talk a lot. IDK what to do or think in this situation, any help or experience is really appreciated. I wanna be with her, I want to get her back and I want to be with her in the future. If you need more information ask any questions please. I need help, my hearts hurting a lot.

[LittleTiger]

Hi bobby, welcome to LS. I'm sorry you're hurting so much and I can understand why.

 

Unfortunately, this seems to be the usual 'LDR is too difficult' scenario. Your girlfriend wants to get on with her life and isn't able to commit herself to your relationship. I'm afraid there isn't much you can do to change her mind.

 

I'm sure she still feels very strongly for you and that's why she wants to keep in touch but LDRs are not for everyone. Even when you are 100% committed to a future with that person it is usually a long and very painful process and some people just don't want to go through that.

 

You are right in saying that it would be better for you cut contact completely. At least for now, until you have healed. The best thing you can do now is to focus on yourself and your life. I know it hurts and I know it doesn't help to hear it but you will recover.

 

If you find writing about your relationship helps, how about posting on the 'breaking up' or 'coping' section of the forum? There are many people there going through the same thing who I'm sure will be able to offer you support.

[aisle_seat]

Tough break, man. You may not want to hear this but you are both very young and haven't been together long. I'm sure the connection you felt overseas was real and carried over to your early time back in the states. But at your ages and not having had a more life experience, the wander lust is a strong drug. You're both in college with lots of people your own age, going to parties, bars, etc. so even if neither of you have the intention of hooking up with other people, it's going to be tough for you two to not want to experience life's possibilities. I think it's a good sign that she's talking to you about this, even though it may hurt, instead of sneaking around and pretending everything's great.

 

I know it hurts like hell but I think you've got to give her what she wants...if you don't she'll resent you and may do what she wants anyway. And that will hurt worse.

[nikayla]

Bobby23:

 

I have to agree with aisle_seat. You're right, it must have been a very emotional experience visiting orphanages, but are you sure that what you felt was love? I ask this because at 18 years old, my views on love and expectations were idealistic in comparison to how I view love today. You are a freshman in college, and you will never have the same experience. It seems to me that traveling from NYC to MN may limit your inability to form closer relationships with your classmates, who would be able to offer you so much support during your heartbreak.

 

You also mention that she feels as if you are constricting her? Well, are you? It is so easy to want to skype and talk on the phone with your partner for hours, but you have been taking her academic, social, and work life into consideration? Do you two often end up spending a majority of time together on a daily basis?

 

I think distance may be a good idea for starters, especially since you are hurting deeply. I have always believed that things happen for a reason. This logic has led me to view life beyond rose-colored glasses.

 

I have had a similar experience to you. My first boyfriend and I decided to sustain our relationship during our first year of college. I was eight hours away and enrolled in a time-intensive, competitive program. I was stressed from school, work, and just the everyday hustle n' bustle of campus life. He couldn't understand that because his academic workload was half of mine. I began to resent communicated with him and our conversations transformed into an obligation. I decided to end it. I, too, was crazy and in love, but now that I look back, I realize that my decision is for the best. Education is my number one priority, and I highly value my post-secondary experience. Perhaps you need to figure out what your priorities are, and fine someone whose values align with yours. Good luck!

[bobby23]

So we talked again today, and we clarified the situation a bit. She wants to take a break and figure out her school situation and then go with the flow and maybe get back together. It seems like she still wants me and still wants a future and she says she still loves me. She says she wants to stay in contact and keep each other updated on our lives. I already booked a flight to visit her for 3 weeks during winter break, I made it clear to her that if i come out that I would feel uncomfortable being intimate unless we were back together, she kept thinking I wasn't coming out. . I feel love for her deep down, and I want to be with her. I respect what she wants right now and the space to me is a good thing because then I can focus on college and working which is a lot to handle. Should I wait through this period of time or simply move on? My gut feeling is to find myself, focus on myself but have her on the side and see how things go. She wants to be with me but the distance is hurting her, she says she doesn't want to do anything with anyone else but now that we are broken up can I really trust her? I don't want to wait around and find out she found someone else or hooked up with someone else, because that would ruin all possibilities in the future for anything. IDK what to do, this if the first time anything of this sort has happened to me.

[DonnyWhoLovedBowling]

Ouch. Long distance and college. Tough combo. i hate to say it, but wanting to "experience college" is somewhat synonymous with wanting to "see other people/have casual relationships." which, frankly, is not a knock against your girlfriend. that, to a certain extent, is part and parcel with going to college.

 

I would take some advice from the previous posters. As much as this may feel like the end-all be-all relationship of your life, you both are very young and have not been together all that long. Regardless of the dfecision you choose, it is almost unquestionably not the last relationship of your life. I would consider seriously thinking about whether you might also want to experience college.. In any event, good luck.

[aisle_seat]

I don't think you should go to NY. If you're officially "on a break", then you both should honor that decision. If you reconnect in the future, then so be it but spending 3 weeks together (you would be staying together in NY, right?) in a kind of quasi-relationship is not going to do either of you any good.

[amerikajin]

"Take a break" means "see other people," just so you know. She doesn't want to remain committed to you. In theory, if you can both handle it, this could work, but in reality it almost never works the way people think it should. I think two people are either in a relationship, or they're not.

[bobby23]

We both agreed on this break deal, and said that we aren't gonna see other people, and that before I come out we will see if we can bring this back together. I am not gonna go out if we don't, it's asking for trouble and for stupid things to happen between us. I completely respect her decision now, and do not feel hurt anymore. She says she is doing this for our future, so that there is a possibility for that. The only thing I can do is trust her, and focus on myself right now.

[folieadeux]

We both agreed on this break deal, and said that we aren't gonna see other people, and that before I come out we will see if we can bring this back together. I am not gonna go out if we don't, it's asking for trouble and for stupid things to happen between us. I completely respect her decision now, and do not feel hurt anymore. She says she is doing this for our future, so that there is a possibility for that. The only thing I can do is trust her, and focus on myself right now.

 

Definitely the smart way to go. I agree with the other poster who said you're either in a relationship or not. Anything inbetween is usually too painful and not worth it for all involved. I wish you both the best of luck; you are both SO young and have the world ahead of you. Concentrate on you right now, and everything else will work out the way it's supposed to.